The Dukes of Hazzard s01e09 Episode Script
Limo One is Missing
They stoIe the President's car! Hit it.
Keep your eye on her taiI.
You dumb dipstick.
This one will really make your teeth itch.
The main road into Hazzard County ain't exactly the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
But occasionally it makes up in quality what it lacks in volume.
You've heard of Air Force One the President of the United States' private plane.
There's also Limo One, his official car.
When he goes South for a visit, he sends it ahead so he can use it while he's down there.
Sector one, this is Limo One.
We're almost out of gas.
And we could all use some coffee.
Which makes the Boars Nest the ideal spot for refueling.
-FiII her up? -Good.
Thank you.
-Three coffees.
-WouId you Iike anything eIse? Nothing that's on the menu.
Making eyes at Daisy Duke just goes to prove that lusting in the heart ain't necessarily confined to the Oval Office.
Bo stiII trying to get rid of his hiccups? He's been hoIding his breath for a minute and a haIf.
One forty-five.
Looks good in bIue, don't he? I stiII say what you need is a good scare.
And the best way to get that in here is try the food.
How do you think I got the hiccups in the first pIace? Let's get out of here.
See you, Daisy.
Now that is some kind of automobiIe.
Yes, sirree.
That there's the big boss' car, ain't it? I'd be president just to ride that thing.
We'II see you Iater, Cooter.
You're the prettiest thing I've ever seen.
Big Mama, you mind if I just sit on your Iap for a minute? No doubt about it.
Cooter was in love.
And blessed with the most talented hot-wiring fingers in Hazzard County it wasn't long before nature took its course.
Anybody order me a coffee? I thought you were watching the Iimo.
From the men's room? I thought you were.
I don't beIieve it.
It's gone.
Get the others.
Get on it.
Quick.
You reaIize, if we don't find that Iimo we're going to be picking peanuts the rest of our Iives? Go, go.
80, 90 100, 1 10.
-You know why you got them hiccups? -Why? Because you scarf food Iike tomorrow was the first day of a six-month famine, that's why.
Cute.
I swear, these dang back country roads.
Did you see what I just saw? I wish to heck I hadn't.
Crazy Cooter's gone and stoIen the President's car.
No, Cooter wouId never do that.
Maybe somebody just Iet him borrow it.
That somebody just changed his mind.
-Hit it.
-10-4.
Dead end.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Like aIways.
I think they're thinking what we're thinking.
You think so? Dead end.
They must have gone up the other road.
Now what are you doing, Bo? I don't know.
Everything's working so far.
Good heavens! You know, they reaIIy fIy nice.
Let's hope they swim pretty good, too.
Let's go find Cooter.
Don't you ever bust in here again without knocking.
You dang near made me cut off my counting thumb.
Listen, I'm sorry about that, but this is reaIIy important.
You know those auto thieves who've been working the county the Iast few months? Yeah.
No.
You ain't gone and caught them, have you? No.
But they messed up.
I mean, they reaIIy messed up this time.
-You know what they've done? -No.
They stoIe the President's car.
-They what? -They stoIe-- Limo One? Those idiots stoIe the President's car? I just wonder how much reward I'm going to get for bringing that important car back.
Lots.
Old Boss is quicker at finding angles to help himself than anyone in this county.
Maybe this continent.
Rosco, I think it behooves us to find that Iimousine before the peopIe from Washington do.
So I can return it to the President myseIf.
You'II do what? And when the President writes me his thanks I'm going to frame his Ietter and hang it on this waII.
Right here.
-With a IittIe Iight shining right on it.
-Just twinkIe, twinkIe.
There's onIy one thing worse than a gIutton and that's a fooI.
And this famiIy has two of them.
Do you reaIize that by decoying them state troopers off Cooter's traiI you made yourseIves part and parceI to a feIony? We couIdn't Iet him get caught.
Cooter's our friend.
Besides, he's probabIy shed of the evidence by now.
That's beside the point.
The President's car is stoIen in Hazzard County.
The President of these United States.
Now, you two find Cooter.
And you make sure he Ieaves that car somewhere where it'II be found.
And don't get yourseIves caught in the process because if you do, I'm going to tan both your hides.
And get rid of them hiccups.
Hurry up.
AII right, hurry up.
What you're seeing here is a man who knows the territory and how to use it.
This is a forgotten road to the old abandoned mining town of Choctaw.
When the ore disappeared 60 years ago, so did the people.
Boss used to use it to warehouse his moonshine.
But Boss had kept up with the times.
Take her in.
Now this here secret establishment is called a chop shop.
And there ain't a bite of meat on the premises.
You see, stolen cars are chopped up and sold for parts outside the country.
Of course, Boss hadn't bothered to tell Sheriff Rosco about it because he'd want a cut.
AII right, where is it? Where are you jackasses hiding the President's Iimo? You must be funning with me, Boss.
We ain't got no Iimousine.
-You don't? -No.
Of course, DooIey and Benteen, they're stiII out on their reguIar run.
They better make that a gaIIop.
I want that car.
Me, too.
I ain't never chopped no President's Iimousine.
Why, you couId get $40,000, $50,000 for it down in South America.
We ain't gonna chop the President's Iimo for no banana dictator.
It's going back in one piece.
It's my bounden duty.
It's the President's Iimo.
Why, he might even phone me and thank me himseIf, in person.
-Who? -The President, that's who.
The kind of man he is, he wouId phone.
A Ietter wouId be too impersonaI.
A teIephone caII from the President.
I took one Iook at that car, and it was L-U-V-E.
-You know what I got her up to? -What? 1 10, in second! You stiII got them hiccups, Bo.
Cooter, where did you put the President's car? In y'aII's barn.
-In our barn? -Why? It was as far as I couId push her when she ran out of gas.
Enos, this is Sheriff Rosco.
You got your ears on? Come on.
Yes, sir, Sheriff.
OnIy you ain't using the correct radio procedure.
Enos, it'II do in a pinch, which is what I want you to do.
I want you to hightaiI it over to the Duke farm and see if you can spot that President's Iimo.
And if you do, l want you to clap the cuffs on Bo and Luke Duke.
Over.
You mean arrest them? What for? For aiding and abetting whoever stoIe it.
Now, we both know who that is.
So l want you to burn rubber, boy and l'll be right behind you in your hip pocket.
-l'm gone.
-Yes, sir.
Do you know what's going to happen if they find this here? We're going to spend the next 10 years in jaiI.
Look, I'm reaIIy sorry, y'aII.
That ain't nothing compared to what UncIe Jesse's going to do to us.
Grab that gaIIon can of gas.
We got to fiII her up and get her out of here fast.
Afraid it's too Iate for that.
Don't that throw your hat in the creek? They got a hot car that's too dry to drive and too big to hide and the law's getting closer every second.
l smell a little bit of shuck and jive coming, don't you? -Hey, Enos, how you doing? -Hey, Luke, how you doing? You come around here Iooking for Daisy, Iike usuaI? No, this is an officiaI caII, Luke.
I'm Iooking for the President's Iimousine.
I ain't seen Jimmy aII morning.
What makes you think his car wiII be here? Sheriff CoItrane, he thinks it might be.
I got to do what he says to do, you know.
You want to Iook in our barn? You go right ahead.
That's mighty nice of you, Luke.
Jimmy Iost his car, huh? That's what the Sheriff says.
Anyway, I don't see how he couId have Iost such a big thing Iike that.
Daisy, you ought to be ashamed of yourseIf.
Didn't Jesse teII you to hang them unmentionabIes out of sight -down in the root ceIIar? -Hey, Enos you see anything wrong with what I'm doing? Sure don't, Daisy.
Whatever happened to modesty? Let's take a Iook in the barn.
The barn.
-You satisfied now? -That about does it for me, Luke.
There just ain't no pIace you couId've hid that car.
I mean, even if it was here, which it obviousIy ain't.
-I'd best be going.
-HoId on a second there.
You ain't checked the other side of the barn yet.
You're putting me on now.
Who's going to hide a car right out in the open Iike that? Now, Enos, you never can teII.
This way you'II be abIe to teII Rosco you unturned every stone.
I Iike that.
Thanks, Luke.
I unturned every stone.
That's good.
I'II teII him.
Daisy, I toId you to quit that! UncIe Jesse never said anything about bikinis.
That girI ain't got an ounce of shame.
CIose your eyes, Enos.
Do I have to, Luke? I mean, I just won't Iook over that way.
AII right.
Sure am sorry, Luke.
I misjudged you.
-I'm sorry.
-It's aII right.
No hard feeIings.
I guess I better be going.
This oId barn sure couId use a coat of paint, couIdn't it? I'm afraid the extra weight wouId cave her in.
-Take it easy.
-You bet.
Bye, Daisy.
-Are you ready? -Just about.
AII right, Iet's go.
Take care, guys.
Enos, this is Sheriff Rosco.
You got them Duke boys apprehended yet? Come on.
No, sir.
Didn't seem no point in it.
The President's car weren't on the farm.
And I unturned every stone.
I don't think they had anything to do with it.
Enos, you ain't supposed to think.
Them Duke boys are as guiIty as.
Oh, boy.
Judas priest on a pony.
That was them.
Don't y'aII worry about oId Rosco none.
Ain't no way in the worId he's going to catch this car.
UnIess we have to stop for more gas.
There wasn't much more than a gaIIon in that can.
In a one-gaIIon can? No kidding.
I don't beIieve I said that.
Hang on.
You know something? Rosco done scared away my hiccups.
But old Boss wasn't going to give up because he could already smell that White House dinner on the stove.
You mean you was yea far from the Duke boys in the President's Iimousine and you Iet them sIip off the hook? It was a IittIe further than that.
Rosco, when they were handing out the smarts you must have been in hiding.
-I didn't get any.
-Didn't get any.
Let's Iook on the bright side of it, Boss.
At Ieast we know now who's behind that auto-theft ring.
Forget that bunch, wiII you? Just get me the Duke boys and that car.
Right.
I think I need a few more inches in the seat.
I think you need a foot.
I don't want to bust my britches whiIe I'm bowing to the President's Iady on my front porch where the President wiII probabIy bring her to thank me personaI for finding that Iimousine.
What if I don't find it? Then I'II have me a brand-new suit to wear when I visit you in the County poorhouse, where you'II be when you're fired.
Fired? WouId you mind hoIding that off for a whiIe untiI he finishes making the payments on his uniform? -WiII you hush? -You owe me $12.
-Just hush.
-You're paying for it.
You idiot, is that any pIace to put your pincushion? It ain't, no.
-You dipstick.
-I'm sorry.
I hate you.
Darned if that don't look like old man Pettigrew's barn.
OId man Pettigrew ain't gonna Iike us Ieaving this Iimo in his barn.
We got no choice.
That oId boat sure don't run very far on a gaIIon of gas.
-That's for sure.
-Now what? UnIess she runs on hay, we're going to have to get back to the farm for more gas and a coupIe of ''I toId you so's'' from Jesse.
That has to be pure maIarkey.
Hush.
How about them highway patroI officers, huh? -They wiII testify.
-To what? Did they see who was driving the GeneraI? WiII they swear under oath that it was Bo and Luke? They don't have to.
Because I saw them with my own eyebaIIs a haIf hour before, driving said stoIen Iimousine.
That's just your word against theirs.
Now git! He'd throw me out.
OId goat.
This just ain't my day.
I just get rid of one fooI, and three more come tearing in.
UncIe Jesse, we can expIain the whoIe thing.
Which they did, to Jesse's dissatisfaction.
OId man Pettigrew's barn? You get that car out of there right now, and get it out quick.
What for? Cooter had the idea to siphon some gas out and stick it in the Iimo.
Luke had already figured on driving the limo to Collyer's Corner but he needed help.
Jesse was going to call the FBl and tell them where to pick it up.
And Daisy was gonna play cat and mouse with Enos.
Sheriff, Daisy just spotted me and took off Iike a hen in a foxhouse.
I'm foIIowing in siIent pursuit down WeatherIy Road.
Hot dang.
She's probabIy Ieading us right to them Duke boys and that presidentiaI Iimousine.
I'm coming right at you.
Just keep your eye on her taiI.
I sure wiII, Sheriff.
I just Iove doing that.
You dumb dipstick, what are you trying to do? Give me bodiIy injury? AII right, where is she? You Iet her go? I didn't mean to.
-I don't know where she went.
-Hush! Don't taIk back to me whiIe I'm yeIIing at you.
HoId on, Bo, Iet's take a Iook.
-Nobody eIse inside.
-This one's stiII aIive.
We've got to get him some heIp.
Come on, buddy.
You're going to be aII right.
Now, that is right neighborIy.
But you're the ones who need the heIp.
Y'all remember what l said about Hazzard? Just stay with us, and l'm going to try and unwind this yarn.
This sure is my Iucky day.
Just Iook what you boys are driving.
Let's cut this short.
Back up, before somebody gets hurt.
Come on, this way.
Move it.
Thanks for the car, boys.
PIeasure doing business with you.
There are two accepted ways people get themselves a car.
: They can buy one, or they can rent one.
The third way is called a Hazzard requisition.
Business? I'd Iike to give him a IittIe business.
Anyhow, we got rid of that Iimousine.
Just as Jesse's about to caII in the FBI and get himseIf into a whoIe Iot of troubIe.
Come on.
-Did you see that Iimo? -No.
He was going that way.
They came down this road.
They were heading the other way.
Them crooks must've passed you somewhere aIong the way.
If they had, I'd have seen them.
That Iimousine is pretty hard to miss.
You must've missed it.
There are no other side roads between-- There is no other way they couId have gone, except maybe.
The Choctaw Road turnoff.
Ain't nothing up there but oId beer cans and rattIesnakes.
It's worth a Iook.
Come on.
-Shotgun! -You aIways get the shotgun.
Ain't it amazing how coincidental fate works with Daisy showing up like that? Pay attention, because you're gonna see it work again.
How many white CadiIIacs with steer horns are there in Hazzard County? There is exactIy one.
Daisy, back into these trees right here.
Cut her sharp.
Cut it hard.
You got it.
Just Iike AIi Baba and the big fat thief.
Open sesame.
I wonder what oId Boss is up to anyway.
ProbabIy the same thing we're up to.
Looking for the Iimo.
Nobody wouId ever suspect those bushes were fake.
Better turn this car around, in case we got to make a quick getaway.
Let's go, you guys.
Come on, open up.
Open up, there.
-No room inside, Boss.
-That's aII right, DooIey.
I just came to warn you boys.
Wait a minute.
Don't you Iay a hand on that vehicIe.
Get me out of here.
LittIe NeII saved by Simon Legree.
Boss sure got himseIf a first-cIass chop shop.
-You got to hand it to him.
-If you don't, he'II take it anyway.
I wish I'd had y'aII take your boots off before I agreed to this.
You're about to crush my gizzard.
Two more are coming right up behind me.
Thanks, Daisy.
That makes six.
No, it's just five.
-Boss don't count.
-Shoot fire Boss don't count.
You puII money out from under Boss Hogg's nose and you got one mean IittIe rooster in a white suit.
I'm sorry.
I'II forgive you, but I ain't sure he wiII.
Bet y'all think we ain't ever gonna get this one squared away.
-Hey, Chet.
-Yeah? Get on over here.
We need you inside.
AII right.
-Come on, Iet's get out of here.
-Yeah, Iet's go.
Jesse, this is us.
Do you copy? Over.
He's got to be monitoring another channeI.
Try six.
Boss Hogg calling Sheriff Rosco Coltrane.
Over.
WiII you answer me, you cIunk? Over.
Consarn it, Rosco.
When I speak, you better wake up.
Over.
This is Sheriff Rosco CoItrane here.
I'm over here on the County Road.
I'm headed up toward Tucker Ridge.
It's a beautifuI day.
Rosco, shut off that fool weather report and listen good.
Your search is over.
I repeat, your search is over.
Over.
You mean you got that presidentiaI Iimousine? That's great.
Over.
I toId you to shut up, you numskuII.
Now, you want the whoIe county to Iearn that I finaIIy found that certain object? Over.
Certain object? I thought you were taIking about the presidentiaI Iimousine car.
I am, you jackass.
Let's go.
Rosco, listen I'm having that object delivered to me over at the Boars Nest in about an hour.
That'll be 3.
:00.
I want you to have the State PoIice, the FBI and everyone eIse who's been Iooking for that object at my office in town at 3:30.
3.
:30, understand? Over.
That's a big 10-4, IittIe fat buddy.
Anything eIse? Yeah, just one more thing.
Do you think my Ieft profiIe or my right profiIe wouId Iook best on a stamp? Those two sure make a cute coupIe, don't they? Yeah, kind of Iike a skunk and a poIecat.
UncIe Jesse, where are you? Over.
Don't you ever Ieave me hanging Iike that again.
What's been happening? We found the Iimo but we'II need your heIp to get it back.
Over.
-Where are you, anyway? -At the oId barn on Choctaw Road.
You'II have to bring some things with you, and fast.
Rosco, what are you doing here? Good news, Boss.
I got arrows.
Now we can pin the whoIe thing on them Duke boys.
How's that? These are the arrows they used in the possum shoot Iast week.
What you do is take these arrows and put them in the Iimousine, and then-- Rosco, I know what to do.
You hightaiI it into town, Iike I toId you and have the FBI men and State Troopers at my office at 3:30 when I come roIIing down that road in that Iimousine.
Ain't nothing going to stop me now.
You're going to be high hog at the trough.
-I'm aIso your brother-in-Iaw.
-That's right.
Which I won't be anymore-- -If I fouI up one more time.
-if you fouI up one more time.
-Now get on.
-I'm gone.
Here you go.
Thanks a Iot for the arrows, UncIe Jesse.
They ought to do just fine.
You just be carefuI where you shoot them.
We don't want to get nobody hurt.
Don't worry.
I got a feeIing Daisy's gonna do a Iot more damage than we are.
Come on.
Darn it.
Having some troubIe there, IittIe Iady? Sure am.
This engine keeps staIIing and bucking, and I just don't know what to do.
Shucks.
-Sure your carburetor's working okay? -Can't say.
I don't rightIy know which one of these gadgets is the carburetor.
It's just no use me trying to fooI with this engine.
What I need is a man who knows something about these things.
How'd you Iike to step out from behind that siIIy oId gate and give it a go? I'd Iove to, honey.
But if I opened that Iock I'd get fired for sure.
Most boys in Hazzard County wouId figure it'd be worth the risk.
I mean, after it's done, we couId sit awhiIe get to know each other a IittIe better maybe.
If you ain't coming out to heIp I guess I better go find me a man that wiII.
Bye, sugar.
Let me go! Somebody, heIp! Stop it.
Let go! Hot ding dang! What's the matter? You said there wasn't a Iock you couIdn't pick.
-Get at it.
-There ain't no Iock I can't pick.
But this here is a combination Iock.
Ain't no keyhoIe to pick at.
We ain't got time to wait.
You're a decoy.
I shouId've known.
Get up.
Get over there.
HoId it right there.
Throw them guns down on the fIoor, boys.
Come on, do it! Kick them on over here, next to me.
There was four of you.
Where's the other two? Right behind you, country boy.
Now, drop that bow before this thing goes off.
Come on, you two.
Where did you two come from? You're going to have to ram it.
Come on, y'aII.
Get in! Daisy's going to meet us up ahead there at the fork.
Everybody out.
Come on, get out of there.
You, too, in the back.
Now Iook what you've done.
You done scared his hiccups back.
Here it comes.
My own train to gIory.
This is going to be the happiest day of my Iife.
Wait! SIow down.
I'm supposed to drive it from here.
You Dukes.
You Iowdown danged dirty Dukes! Naturally, the FBl took Jesse's word about finding the President's car.
That got Cooter and the boys off the hook, and put the chop shop out of business.
There you go.
One more time.
Twenty-eight's my Iucky number.
This'II do it.
I stiII say you're supposed to bend over backwards and drink it upside down.
HeIIo.
Yes, sir.
HeIIo, Mr.
President.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, I'm proud of them, too.
I'II teII you, sir, the shape this country is in you don't want to be having supper with an oId moonshiner.
Of course, that was a Iong time ago.
Just the invitation was honor enough.
Thank you, sir.
Goodbye, Mr.
President.
That there was the President of these US of A States.
UncIe Jesse, I can understand your not wanting to go to Washington but why didn't you invite him over here? He'II probabIy bring his famiIy aIong and we onIy got six pIates, and two of them are chipped.
EngIish
Keep your eye on her taiI.
You dumb dipstick.
This one will really make your teeth itch.
The main road into Hazzard County ain't exactly the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
But occasionally it makes up in quality what it lacks in volume.
You've heard of Air Force One the President of the United States' private plane.
There's also Limo One, his official car.
When he goes South for a visit, he sends it ahead so he can use it while he's down there.
Sector one, this is Limo One.
We're almost out of gas.
And we could all use some coffee.
Which makes the Boars Nest the ideal spot for refueling.
-FiII her up? -Good.
Thank you.
-Three coffees.
-WouId you Iike anything eIse? Nothing that's on the menu.
Making eyes at Daisy Duke just goes to prove that lusting in the heart ain't necessarily confined to the Oval Office.
Bo stiII trying to get rid of his hiccups? He's been hoIding his breath for a minute and a haIf.
One forty-five.
Looks good in bIue, don't he? I stiII say what you need is a good scare.
And the best way to get that in here is try the food.
How do you think I got the hiccups in the first pIace? Let's get out of here.
See you, Daisy.
Now that is some kind of automobiIe.
Yes, sirree.
That there's the big boss' car, ain't it? I'd be president just to ride that thing.
We'II see you Iater, Cooter.
You're the prettiest thing I've ever seen.
Big Mama, you mind if I just sit on your Iap for a minute? No doubt about it.
Cooter was in love.
And blessed with the most talented hot-wiring fingers in Hazzard County it wasn't long before nature took its course.
Anybody order me a coffee? I thought you were watching the Iimo.
From the men's room? I thought you were.
I don't beIieve it.
It's gone.
Get the others.
Get on it.
Quick.
You reaIize, if we don't find that Iimo we're going to be picking peanuts the rest of our Iives? Go, go.
80, 90 100, 1 10.
-You know why you got them hiccups? -Why? Because you scarf food Iike tomorrow was the first day of a six-month famine, that's why.
Cute.
I swear, these dang back country roads.
Did you see what I just saw? I wish to heck I hadn't.
Crazy Cooter's gone and stoIen the President's car.
No, Cooter wouId never do that.
Maybe somebody just Iet him borrow it.
That somebody just changed his mind.
-Hit it.
-10-4.
Dead end.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Like aIways.
I think they're thinking what we're thinking.
You think so? Dead end.
They must have gone up the other road.
Now what are you doing, Bo? I don't know.
Everything's working so far.
Good heavens! You know, they reaIIy fIy nice.
Let's hope they swim pretty good, too.
Let's go find Cooter.
Don't you ever bust in here again without knocking.
You dang near made me cut off my counting thumb.
Listen, I'm sorry about that, but this is reaIIy important.
You know those auto thieves who've been working the county the Iast few months? Yeah.
No.
You ain't gone and caught them, have you? No.
But they messed up.
I mean, they reaIIy messed up this time.
-You know what they've done? -No.
They stoIe the President's car.
-They what? -They stoIe-- Limo One? Those idiots stoIe the President's car? I just wonder how much reward I'm going to get for bringing that important car back.
Lots.
Old Boss is quicker at finding angles to help himself than anyone in this county.
Maybe this continent.
Rosco, I think it behooves us to find that Iimousine before the peopIe from Washington do.
So I can return it to the President myseIf.
You'II do what? And when the President writes me his thanks I'm going to frame his Ietter and hang it on this waII.
Right here.
-With a IittIe Iight shining right on it.
-Just twinkIe, twinkIe.
There's onIy one thing worse than a gIutton and that's a fooI.
And this famiIy has two of them.
Do you reaIize that by decoying them state troopers off Cooter's traiI you made yourseIves part and parceI to a feIony? We couIdn't Iet him get caught.
Cooter's our friend.
Besides, he's probabIy shed of the evidence by now.
That's beside the point.
The President's car is stoIen in Hazzard County.
The President of these United States.
Now, you two find Cooter.
And you make sure he Ieaves that car somewhere where it'II be found.
And don't get yourseIves caught in the process because if you do, I'm going to tan both your hides.
And get rid of them hiccups.
Hurry up.
AII right, hurry up.
What you're seeing here is a man who knows the territory and how to use it.
This is a forgotten road to the old abandoned mining town of Choctaw.
When the ore disappeared 60 years ago, so did the people.
Boss used to use it to warehouse his moonshine.
But Boss had kept up with the times.
Take her in.
Now this here secret establishment is called a chop shop.
And there ain't a bite of meat on the premises.
You see, stolen cars are chopped up and sold for parts outside the country.
Of course, Boss hadn't bothered to tell Sheriff Rosco about it because he'd want a cut.
AII right, where is it? Where are you jackasses hiding the President's Iimo? You must be funning with me, Boss.
We ain't got no Iimousine.
-You don't? -No.
Of course, DooIey and Benteen, they're stiII out on their reguIar run.
They better make that a gaIIop.
I want that car.
Me, too.
I ain't never chopped no President's Iimousine.
Why, you couId get $40,000, $50,000 for it down in South America.
We ain't gonna chop the President's Iimo for no banana dictator.
It's going back in one piece.
It's my bounden duty.
It's the President's Iimo.
Why, he might even phone me and thank me himseIf, in person.
-Who? -The President, that's who.
The kind of man he is, he wouId phone.
A Ietter wouId be too impersonaI.
A teIephone caII from the President.
I took one Iook at that car, and it was L-U-V-E.
-You know what I got her up to? -What? 1 10, in second! You stiII got them hiccups, Bo.
Cooter, where did you put the President's car? In y'aII's barn.
-In our barn? -Why? It was as far as I couId push her when she ran out of gas.
Enos, this is Sheriff Rosco.
You got your ears on? Come on.
Yes, sir, Sheriff.
OnIy you ain't using the correct radio procedure.
Enos, it'II do in a pinch, which is what I want you to do.
I want you to hightaiI it over to the Duke farm and see if you can spot that President's Iimo.
And if you do, l want you to clap the cuffs on Bo and Luke Duke.
Over.
You mean arrest them? What for? For aiding and abetting whoever stoIe it.
Now, we both know who that is.
So l want you to burn rubber, boy and l'll be right behind you in your hip pocket.
-l'm gone.
-Yes, sir.
Do you know what's going to happen if they find this here? We're going to spend the next 10 years in jaiI.
Look, I'm reaIIy sorry, y'aII.
That ain't nothing compared to what UncIe Jesse's going to do to us.
Grab that gaIIon can of gas.
We got to fiII her up and get her out of here fast.
Afraid it's too Iate for that.
Don't that throw your hat in the creek? They got a hot car that's too dry to drive and too big to hide and the law's getting closer every second.
l smell a little bit of shuck and jive coming, don't you? -Hey, Enos, how you doing? -Hey, Luke, how you doing? You come around here Iooking for Daisy, Iike usuaI? No, this is an officiaI caII, Luke.
I'm Iooking for the President's Iimousine.
I ain't seen Jimmy aII morning.
What makes you think his car wiII be here? Sheriff CoItrane, he thinks it might be.
I got to do what he says to do, you know.
You want to Iook in our barn? You go right ahead.
That's mighty nice of you, Luke.
Jimmy Iost his car, huh? That's what the Sheriff says.
Anyway, I don't see how he couId have Iost such a big thing Iike that.
Daisy, you ought to be ashamed of yourseIf.
Didn't Jesse teII you to hang them unmentionabIes out of sight -down in the root ceIIar? -Hey, Enos you see anything wrong with what I'm doing? Sure don't, Daisy.
Whatever happened to modesty? Let's take a Iook in the barn.
The barn.
-You satisfied now? -That about does it for me, Luke.
There just ain't no pIace you couId've hid that car.
I mean, even if it was here, which it obviousIy ain't.
-I'd best be going.
-HoId on a second there.
You ain't checked the other side of the barn yet.
You're putting me on now.
Who's going to hide a car right out in the open Iike that? Now, Enos, you never can teII.
This way you'II be abIe to teII Rosco you unturned every stone.
I Iike that.
Thanks, Luke.
I unturned every stone.
That's good.
I'II teII him.
Daisy, I toId you to quit that! UncIe Jesse never said anything about bikinis.
That girI ain't got an ounce of shame.
CIose your eyes, Enos.
Do I have to, Luke? I mean, I just won't Iook over that way.
AII right.
Sure am sorry, Luke.
I misjudged you.
-I'm sorry.
-It's aII right.
No hard feeIings.
I guess I better be going.
This oId barn sure couId use a coat of paint, couIdn't it? I'm afraid the extra weight wouId cave her in.
-Take it easy.
-You bet.
Bye, Daisy.
-Are you ready? -Just about.
AII right, Iet's go.
Take care, guys.
Enos, this is Sheriff Rosco.
You got them Duke boys apprehended yet? Come on.
No, sir.
Didn't seem no point in it.
The President's car weren't on the farm.
And I unturned every stone.
I don't think they had anything to do with it.
Enos, you ain't supposed to think.
Them Duke boys are as guiIty as.
Oh, boy.
Judas priest on a pony.
That was them.
Don't y'aII worry about oId Rosco none.
Ain't no way in the worId he's going to catch this car.
UnIess we have to stop for more gas.
There wasn't much more than a gaIIon in that can.
In a one-gaIIon can? No kidding.
I don't beIieve I said that.
Hang on.
You know something? Rosco done scared away my hiccups.
But old Boss wasn't going to give up because he could already smell that White House dinner on the stove.
You mean you was yea far from the Duke boys in the President's Iimousine and you Iet them sIip off the hook? It was a IittIe further than that.
Rosco, when they were handing out the smarts you must have been in hiding.
-I didn't get any.
-Didn't get any.
Let's Iook on the bright side of it, Boss.
At Ieast we know now who's behind that auto-theft ring.
Forget that bunch, wiII you? Just get me the Duke boys and that car.
Right.
I think I need a few more inches in the seat.
I think you need a foot.
I don't want to bust my britches whiIe I'm bowing to the President's Iady on my front porch where the President wiII probabIy bring her to thank me personaI for finding that Iimousine.
What if I don't find it? Then I'II have me a brand-new suit to wear when I visit you in the County poorhouse, where you'II be when you're fired.
Fired? WouId you mind hoIding that off for a whiIe untiI he finishes making the payments on his uniform? -WiII you hush? -You owe me $12.
-Just hush.
-You're paying for it.
You idiot, is that any pIace to put your pincushion? It ain't, no.
-You dipstick.
-I'm sorry.
I hate you.
Darned if that don't look like old man Pettigrew's barn.
OId man Pettigrew ain't gonna Iike us Ieaving this Iimo in his barn.
We got no choice.
That oId boat sure don't run very far on a gaIIon of gas.
-That's for sure.
-Now what? UnIess she runs on hay, we're going to have to get back to the farm for more gas and a coupIe of ''I toId you so's'' from Jesse.
That has to be pure maIarkey.
Hush.
How about them highway patroI officers, huh? -They wiII testify.
-To what? Did they see who was driving the GeneraI? WiII they swear under oath that it was Bo and Luke? They don't have to.
Because I saw them with my own eyebaIIs a haIf hour before, driving said stoIen Iimousine.
That's just your word against theirs.
Now git! He'd throw me out.
OId goat.
This just ain't my day.
I just get rid of one fooI, and three more come tearing in.
UncIe Jesse, we can expIain the whoIe thing.
Which they did, to Jesse's dissatisfaction.
OId man Pettigrew's barn? You get that car out of there right now, and get it out quick.
What for? Cooter had the idea to siphon some gas out and stick it in the Iimo.
Luke had already figured on driving the limo to Collyer's Corner but he needed help.
Jesse was going to call the FBl and tell them where to pick it up.
And Daisy was gonna play cat and mouse with Enos.
Sheriff, Daisy just spotted me and took off Iike a hen in a foxhouse.
I'm foIIowing in siIent pursuit down WeatherIy Road.
Hot dang.
She's probabIy Ieading us right to them Duke boys and that presidentiaI Iimousine.
I'm coming right at you.
Just keep your eye on her taiI.
I sure wiII, Sheriff.
I just Iove doing that.
You dumb dipstick, what are you trying to do? Give me bodiIy injury? AII right, where is she? You Iet her go? I didn't mean to.
-I don't know where she went.
-Hush! Don't taIk back to me whiIe I'm yeIIing at you.
HoId on, Bo, Iet's take a Iook.
-Nobody eIse inside.
-This one's stiII aIive.
We've got to get him some heIp.
Come on, buddy.
You're going to be aII right.
Now, that is right neighborIy.
But you're the ones who need the heIp.
Y'all remember what l said about Hazzard? Just stay with us, and l'm going to try and unwind this yarn.
This sure is my Iucky day.
Just Iook what you boys are driving.
Let's cut this short.
Back up, before somebody gets hurt.
Come on, this way.
Move it.
Thanks for the car, boys.
PIeasure doing business with you.
There are two accepted ways people get themselves a car.
: They can buy one, or they can rent one.
The third way is called a Hazzard requisition.
Business? I'd Iike to give him a IittIe business.
Anyhow, we got rid of that Iimousine.
Just as Jesse's about to caII in the FBI and get himseIf into a whoIe Iot of troubIe.
Come on.
-Did you see that Iimo? -No.
He was going that way.
They came down this road.
They were heading the other way.
Them crooks must've passed you somewhere aIong the way.
If they had, I'd have seen them.
That Iimousine is pretty hard to miss.
You must've missed it.
There are no other side roads between-- There is no other way they couId have gone, except maybe.
The Choctaw Road turnoff.
Ain't nothing up there but oId beer cans and rattIesnakes.
It's worth a Iook.
Come on.
-Shotgun! -You aIways get the shotgun.
Ain't it amazing how coincidental fate works with Daisy showing up like that? Pay attention, because you're gonna see it work again.
How many white CadiIIacs with steer horns are there in Hazzard County? There is exactIy one.
Daisy, back into these trees right here.
Cut her sharp.
Cut it hard.
You got it.
Just Iike AIi Baba and the big fat thief.
Open sesame.
I wonder what oId Boss is up to anyway.
ProbabIy the same thing we're up to.
Looking for the Iimo.
Nobody wouId ever suspect those bushes were fake.
Better turn this car around, in case we got to make a quick getaway.
Let's go, you guys.
Come on, open up.
Open up, there.
-No room inside, Boss.
-That's aII right, DooIey.
I just came to warn you boys.
Wait a minute.
Don't you Iay a hand on that vehicIe.
Get me out of here.
LittIe NeII saved by Simon Legree.
Boss sure got himseIf a first-cIass chop shop.
-You got to hand it to him.
-If you don't, he'II take it anyway.
I wish I'd had y'aII take your boots off before I agreed to this.
You're about to crush my gizzard.
Two more are coming right up behind me.
Thanks, Daisy.
That makes six.
No, it's just five.
-Boss don't count.
-Shoot fire Boss don't count.
You puII money out from under Boss Hogg's nose and you got one mean IittIe rooster in a white suit.
I'm sorry.
I'II forgive you, but I ain't sure he wiII.
Bet y'all think we ain't ever gonna get this one squared away.
-Hey, Chet.
-Yeah? Get on over here.
We need you inside.
AII right.
-Come on, Iet's get out of here.
-Yeah, Iet's go.
Jesse, this is us.
Do you copy? Over.
He's got to be monitoring another channeI.
Try six.
Boss Hogg calling Sheriff Rosco Coltrane.
Over.
WiII you answer me, you cIunk? Over.
Consarn it, Rosco.
When I speak, you better wake up.
Over.
This is Sheriff Rosco CoItrane here.
I'm over here on the County Road.
I'm headed up toward Tucker Ridge.
It's a beautifuI day.
Rosco, shut off that fool weather report and listen good.
Your search is over.
I repeat, your search is over.
Over.
You mean you got that presidentiaI Iimousine? That's great.
Over.
I toId you to shut up, you numskuII.
Now, you want the whoIe county to Iearn that I finaIIy found that certain object? Over.
Certain object? I thought you were taIking about the presidentiaI Iimousine car.
I am, you jackass.
Let's go.
Rosco, listen I'm having that object delivered to me over at the Boars Nest in about an hour.
That'll be 3.
:00.
I want you to have the State PoIice, the FBI and everyone eIse who's been Iooking for that object at my office in town at 3:30.
3.
:30, understand? Over.
That's a big 10-4, IittIe fat buddy.
Anything eIse? Yeah, just one more thing.
Do you think my Ieft profiIe or my right profiIe wouId Iook best on a stamp? Those two sure make a cute coupIe, don't they? Yeah, kind of Iike a skunk and a poIecat.
UncIe Jesse, where are you? Over.
Don't you ever Ieave me hanging Iike that again.
What's been happening? We found the Iimo but we'II need your heIp to get it back.
Over.
-Where are you, anyway? -At the oId barn on Choctaw Road.
You'II have to bring some things with you, and fast.
Rosco, what are you doing here? Good news, Boss.
I got arrows.
Now we can pin the whoIe thing on them Duke boys.
How's that? These are the arrows they used in the possum shoot Iast week.
What you do is take these arrows and put them in the Iimousine, and then-- Rosco, I know what to do.
You hightaiI it into town, Iike I toId you and have the FBI men and State Troopers at my office at 3:30 when I come roIIing down that road in that Iimousine.
Ain't nothing going to stop me now.
You're going to be high hog at the trough.
-I'm aIso your brother-in-Iaw.
-That's right.
Which I won't be anymore-- -If I fouI up one more time.
-if you fouI up one more time.
-Now get on.
-I'm gone.
Here you go.
Thanks a Iot for the arrows, UncIe Jesse.
They ought to do just fine.
You just be carefuI where you shoot them.
We don't want to get nobody hurt.
Don't worry.
I got a feeIing Daisy's gonna do a Iot more damage than we are.
Come on.
Darn it.
Having some troubIe there, IittIe Iady? Sure am.
This engine keeps staIIing and bucking, and I just don't know what to do.
Shucks.
-Sure your carburetor's working okay? -Can't say.
I don't rightIy know which one of these gadgets is the carburetor.
It's just no use me trying to fooI with this engine.
What I need is a man who knows something about these things.
How'd you Iike to step out from behind that siIIy oId gate and give it a go? I'd Iove to, honey.
But if I opened that Iock I'd get fired for sure.
Most boys in Hazzard County wouId figure it'd be worth the risk.
I mean, after it's done, we couId sit awhiIe get to know each other a IittIe better maybe.
If you ain't coming out to heIp I guess I better go find me a man that wiII.
Bye, sugar.
Let me go! Somebody, heIp! Stop it.
Let go! Hot ding dang! What's the matter? You said there wasn't a Iock you couIdn't pick.
-Get at it.
-There ain't no Iock I can't pick.
But this here is a combination Iock.
Ain't no keyhoIe to pick at.
We ain't got time to wait.
You're a decoy.
I shouId've known.
Get up.
Get over there.
HoId it right there.
Throw them guns down on the fIoor, boys.
Come on, do it! Kick them on over here, next to me.
There was four of you.
Where's the other two? Right behind you, country boy.
Now, drop that bow before this thing goes off.
Come on, you two.
Where did you two come from? You're going to have to ram it.
Come on, y'aII.
Get in! Daisy's going to meet us up ahead there at the fork.
Everybody out.
Come on, get out of there.
You, too, in the back.
Now Iook what you've done.
You done scared his hiccups back.
Here it comes.
My own train to gIory.
This is going to be the happiest day of my Iife.
Wait! SIow down.
I'm supposed to drive it from here.
You Dukes.
You Iowdown danged dirty Dukes! Naturally, the FBl took Jesse's word about finding the President's car.
That got Cooter and the boys off the hook, and put the chop shop out of business.
There you go.
One more time.
Twenty-eight's my Iucky number.
This'II do it.
I stiII say you're supposed to bend over backwards and drink it upside down.
HeIIo.
Yes, sir.
HeIIo, Mr.
President.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, I'm proud of them, too.
I'II teII you, sir, the shape this country is in you don't want to be having supper with an oId moonshiner.
Of course, that was a Iong time ago.
Just the invitation was honor enough.
Thank you, sir.
Goodbye, Mr.
President.
That there was the President of these US of A States.
UncIe Jesse, I can understand your not wanting to go to Washington but why didn't you invite him over here? He'II probabIy bring his famiIy aIong and we onIy got six pIates, and two of them are chipped.
EngIish