The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s01e09 Episode Script

Boys, I'd love to go to the Halloween party tonight but I can only go with one of you.
Okay.
Tough luck, Carlton.
Beat it, see you, scram, sayonara, peace out.
And so long, screwy.
Not so fast.
I don't even know you.
Count your blessings.
Now do you see, miss? This is an example of the difference between the two of us.
I mean while Carlton snaps at every opportunity to take a cheap shot I'm the kindest, gentlest soul you'll ever want to meet.
Melinda, I'm nice to all people.
Young and old.
Like a couple weeks ago, Carlton's grandmother visited.
Who kept her company? Not Carlton.
Me.
What are you doing up so late? Child, I had to get up and get breakfast started.
I don't know what you all got that Geoffrey for.
- Five-card draw? - Yeah, I'm with it.
You know granny, I really like you.
You and grandpa, you have fun.
You tell jokes.
- You all bust me up.
- Thank you, son.
Hey, look, granny, it's late, everybody's asleep.
You can level with me.
Uncle Phil's adopted, right? Oh now, we're real proud of Zeke.
Did you know he won "The Young Farmers Of America Pig Raising" trophy? No.
I didn't know that, but I'd love to have some details about that.
Won it four years running.
They had to retire his slop bucket.
Slop bucket? I can't wait till he wakes up.
Respect your elders, son.
See, I beat you.
You know, he was the first black president of the Young Farmers.
- Was that like a big thing? - Oh, my, yes! I beat you again.
That was awfully sweet of you to play cards with her.
Sweet? Well, some would say that, but it was just me being my thoughtful self.
Reality check.
This guy is far from thoughtful.
He's the most selfish, irresponsible person I have ever met.
A few weeks ago, I went on a car trip, and this guy caused all kinds of trouble.
Plans for Palm Springs.
One: Work on golf swing.
Two: Review SAT practice book.
Three: Ask Mr.
Furth about a summer internship.
Four: Get the stick out of your butt! Way to go, Will.
You almost made us crash.
What are you think you're doing here anyway? Come on.
Just relax.
Pretend I'm not even here.
Gladly.
What you eating? For crying out loud.
Can I have some? All right, Will.
I'll share my snack with you on one condition.
When we get to Palm Springs, you'll behave like a proper gentleman and try to maintain some sense of decorum and etiquette.
- Understood? - Yeah.
Good.
What do you say to an Oreo? I say, "What's up, Carlton?" He hid in the back seat? It got worse.
Because of his antics, we got arrested and thrown in jail.
He's only telling one side of the story, Melinda.
When we were in jail, this boy cracked.
I had to do everything in my power to try to hold him together.
This is terrible.
I'm ruined.
I'll be kicked out of the glee club, I won't get into Princeton.
I won't be admitted to the bar.
Neither will I.
The cops took my fake ID.
Come on, man, don't give me that my-dog-is-dead face.
- Come on.
Let's sing.
- I'm not singing.
This is just retarded.
Come on, man, let it go.
You'll feel better.
Melinda, I've been charitable so far, but now's the time to take off the gloves.
You don't know what a date with Will is like.
One evening, not so long ago, Will was walking a young lady home Yo, I told you, babe.
A date with me is a night to remember.
What'd you think of dinner? Dinner? It was just a Slurpee.
I did that for you, baby.
Keep that body of yours slim, trim, and ready for action.
Well, your hamburger and fries sure did look good.
Baby, that's man food.
It's getting awfully late, Will.
Shouldn't we take a cab? Well, that's awfully expensive, baby.
Let's just walk down this dark alley.
All right, punk.
Your money or your girlfriend.
- My brother, you're making this too easy.
- Will! Unhand her! And who are you? Banks.
Carlton Banks.
One second, Melinda, please.
Carlton, what the hell was that? That never happened.
It could have.
Besides, when we made this bet there was nothing in the rules that said no lying.
Well, you know, two can play at that game.
Hey.
What were you two talking about? I was just asking Carlton how long he's been a pathological liar.
And he said ever since he was the emperor of China.
- You mean, the story wasn't true? - Of course not.
I'll tell you what a typical night with me is like Master William, you have a visitor.
A Mr.
Jackson.
Come on, G.
I don't have time for these interruptions.
I got homework forever.
Tell Michael I'll have to work on his dance steps later.
That's Bo Jackson.
Yo, what's up, babe? Watch the handshake, man.
There goes baseball season.
My fault.
What you need, man? Well, i'm throwing this formal dinner party and Bo don't know what to serve.
No problem.
Let me hook you up with my resident fun expert.
- Hey, yo, Heav.
- You rang? Bo Jackson, Heavy D.
- Yo.
- Yo, Bo.
Tell Heav your problem.
I'm throwing this formal dinner party.
And when it comes to cooking, Bo don't know diddley.
I think that's pronounced diddley, diddley, diddley, diddley, diddley, diddley.
Heav, show Bo around the kitchen.
No problem.
Follow me, your running backness.
Thanks so much for letting me be your close and personal friend.
Back at you, babe.
Hello.
Hey, Will, what's up man? This is Malcolm.
Yo! What up, home? Listen, i'm going on this date tonight.
And I really want to impress this girl, and I was wondering if maybe I could tell her I know you? Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm I mean, look, I understand your instinct but you shouldn't try to impress a girl with who you know.
It's much better that she like you just for yourself.
If she gets to know the Malcolm I know, I don't think she'll be able to resist.
Thanks a lot, Will.
Man, i don't know what I would do without you as a close, personal friend.
- Peace, man.
- Hey, peace, babe.
Master William, you have another visitor.
Come on, G, please.
I got to get my homework done.
Terribly sorry, sir, but he's otherwise engaged.
But I happen to be his close, personal friend.
Will, I got a serious problem.
Tonight I'm supposed to go in the studio and finish up this record.
I can't find the lead singer.
This is real important to me.
I need your help this time, man.
First of all, let's check our ego at the door.
- Q, I saved your butt before.
- I know.
That Thriller thing.
Q, as always, you need a singer, I'll get you a singer, man.
Yo, what's up, man? This is Prince.
I got Quincy Jones over here.
Dude is in pain.
Could you come right over? All right.
In a minute, babe.
- Who was that? - Oh, a close, personal friend.
Mr.
Al B.
Sure.
- What's going on, man? - Yo, what's up? I'm glad you could come on such short notice.
- I need a big favor.
- Anything for you.
- Quincy Jones, Al B.
Sure.
- AI B.
Hey, Quincy Jones.
What's happening? - Yo, y'all get to work on that track.
- Let's do it.
Will, 8:30, I've got to see A Different World.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, man.
I love that show.
Really? - Hey, yo, K.
- What? What's happening, babe? I want you to meet a couple of close, personal friends of mine.
Quincy Jones, Al B.
Sure.
Kadeem Hardison.
Man, this dude knows everybody.
Yeah, that was a kind of slow night for me.
So come on, what's up? - Come to the party with me.
- No, come to the party with me.
Guys, guys, listen, you have both made such good cases for yourself it makes it even harder to choose.
So, I'm going to have to go with basic raw, physical attraction.
What time should I be there, Carlton? Welcome back to Croissants Aplenty.
I didn't order What kind of a croissant is that? It's peanut butter.
And it's on the house.
Looks like it's been on the floor.
You look a little down.
Did you lose the contest to your friend? Yeah.
Who'd have guessed it? Especially in a place this well lit.
Strange things happen on Halloween.
Don't remind me.
I got to go to that party tonight on the solo tip.
Don't feel too bad.
There's bound to be at least one other guy there without a date.
Yeah.
You know, Cindy, you're probably right.
Master William, there were three phone messages for you.
From a Miss Karen, a Miss Judy, and a Miss Trisha.
What did they say? "How desperate do you think I am?" "Not on your life.
" And, "Ha ha ha ha ha "ha.
" So, why did the security guard stop you, Hilary? It seems I fit the description of a shoplifter they've been trying to catch.
What was the description? I don't know exactly, but it's fair to guess that "stunning" was part of it.
Eugene said he was sorry.
Who is Eugene? The security guard.
Hilary invited him to the party.
Why did you do that? It seemed to speed up the paperwork.
Before the party starts, I think I'll go up and get some rest.
Wait a minute.
Philip, you didn't get a costume.
You went to that silly gadget store.
I didn't buy a silly gadget.
I bought a stapler.
Only three pencils remain.
Proceed to stationery store immediately.
Everyone go get ready.
I'm going to put my costume on now.
What is it, Hilary? A gorgeous Yves Saint Laurent dress.
Scary.
I just got off the phone with Melinda, my date.
She's coming as Mrs.
Santa Claus.
I hope that doesn't conflict with what your date will be wearing.
For your information, I have a date.
What's her name? Janet Girlie.
Geoffrey, isn't this a fabulous party? The entire Brat Pack is here, plus two Twin Peakers.
Oh, Miss Ashley.
You look absolutely splendid in your costume.
I wanted to come as a ballerina but I guess a short guy with a mustache is the next best thing.
Carlton.
White face and lipstick.
Boy, you're living out all your fantasies tonight, huh? So, sore loser, is your date here yet? She'll be here.
Will, for your information, the skeleton over there is Elizabeth McGovern and the unicorn standing next to her is Kevin Bacon.
And they both wish you would stop hitting on them.
Why did you come as Elton John? I'm supposed to be Superfly, Hilary.
Well, your super fly's open.
Trick or treat! Can I take a look inside those bags, please? What kind of outfit is that for a Halloween party? I'm going as Comfortable Man.
Is that a comic-book hero? Sort of.
He has superhuman bill-paying powers so he gets to dress however he likes.
Love that costume, Daddy.
Oh, no.
Well, Philip, do you know who I'm supposed to be? I don't care.
You look fantastic.
What are you looking at, clown? Oh, look.
There's Kiefer Sutherland talking to River Phoenix.
What happened to your date, Carlton? Did she hit her head and her eyesight come back? She's powdering her nose.
I can understand your bitterness, Will.
The party's almost over, and you lost the bet.
Ladies and gentlemen Cinderella.
Hello.
Is my prince here? Hello, Will.
Do I know you? Give a guy your last peanut-butter croissant he forgets you in a minute.
Cindy? The waitress? That's right.
Baby, that hairnet was doing nothing for you.
Will, can I be your date tonight? Baby, forget tonight.
Let's block out the next 50 years.
Why did you decide to come? Well, when the two of you showed up at the restaurant I thought you were just a couple of macho clods.
But when you came back, you were so sweet.
I guess I'm a sucker for a sad puppy.
This doesn't affect our bet, Will.
I still found a date first.
Stop it! Let go of me, you creep! Eugene, what are you doing? I thought our agreement was you could come to my party but you couldn't falsely arrest anybody.
This isn't a false arrest.
This is the shoplifter I mistook you for.
This girl's a kleptomaniac.
- My silverware.
- That's my watch.
My date.
Let this be a lesson to all of you.
You don't have to break the law to have a happy Halloween.
Good night, now.
Will, may I have this dance? Yeah, baby.
Your prince is in effect.
Where do you live? I live with my stepmother and her two daughters in Encino.
So, do you work every night? Yeah.
I have to stay at the cafe and wait for everyone to leave, and sweep up.
Where'd you get this fly costume at? Well, I was sweeping up, and an old lady came in and she It's a long story.
Oh, no.
I didn't know it was so late.
I've got to go.
Cindy, wait! I'm sorry, Will.
Her slipper.
Could it be? I've been touched by magic.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I dropped my shoe.
Maybe I should try some of those insole thingies.
Listen, here's my number.
Call me tomorrow.
I can't believe Carlton went to sleep.
Why couldn't he help us clean up? If you found out the only person in the world that would go out with you was mentally deranged, you'd go to bed early, too.
Trick or treat! I'm sorry, we're out of candy.
How come you guys came so late? We were watching Matlock.
I got something better than candy.
A scary story.
It was a cold, dreary, wintry night.
October 31 was the date.
There was a couple of little kids dressed just like you trick or treating in Bel-Air around 8:00.
Now, normally Bel-Air was safe and sound.
But this year, things were ill.
But, as on every Halloween, the parents sent their kids out not knowing this year it wasn't chill.
There was a rude awakening in this Bel-Air town no more tranquility or peace.
Not Jason, Michael Myers, or Freddie Krueger but this monster was called the Bel-Air Beast.
This monster was dreadfully ugly and he bothers you when you're all alone.
A face like nothing you've ever seen before and he reeks of Polo cologne.
He stalks his victims slowly, with the world's most terrible breath.
But he doesn't use an axe or a chain saw he talks his victims to death.
So if you see this monster run and don't look back, kids.
This monster's called the Bel-Air Beast and, oh, my goodness, there he is!