The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e09 Episode Script

I do not always go after unavailable men.
Oh, really? Richard.
Richard's not unavailable.
He's just not calling me back right now.
James.
That tanorexic had so many wrinkles.
How was I supposed to know she's his girlfriend and not his mom? How about Sean? Oh, Sean He's been transferred to a minimum security prison.
I got a letter from him.
He says he can receive conjugal visits now.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.
Well, speaking of unavailable, what are we doing here? Orange mocha frappuccino shots.
We're doing shots! This place is amazing.
I'll be right back.
Everyone is so nice.
Does he know? No, not a clue.
To being straight and clueless.
Straight and clueless.
Cheers.
Too sweet.
All right, bitches.
Let's dance.
Dance off! I don't think I've seen a girl spread her legs that far before.
That's what Richard stoplik said in the fifth grade, which was about the last time I hit that.
I'll tell you what.
For every time you hit that, I'll buy you a shot.
Oh, yeah? Gonna cost you, baby! I always thought it was enthusiasm.
No, the secret to a good blow job is eye contact.
Yes.
God, I love gay bars.
You pick up the best sex tips.
And I love these shoes.
Ostrich, right? Yes.
Finally a man who appreciates true beauty.
So what about hummers? My favorite! So I said, "girlfriend, to get the guy, "you've got to be the last woman standing.
" Oh, my God.
Rule number 2.
That is exactly what I told Sam the other week.
So how about anal? Check it out.
Whoa! As much as I'm sure you've enjoyed slamming your vagina into the floor, I think it's time to retire dancing.
Let's go.
No! No! I wanna stay here with Max.
Mark.
It's cool.
Um, I can take her home later.
She's in safe hands.
Yes, I am.
Hey! Oh, hi.
Are you sure you're going to be okay with him? Yes, I'll be fine with my new gbf.
Your what? Gay best friend.
Duh! Go! All right.
Bye then.
Jello, hookers! You're Women just don't get it.
They don't get it.
You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Ah, you're You're a good looking guy.
You must get a lot of women.
You guys are nice.
You guys are so nice.
I love this place.
How come you guys aren't wearing any shirts? Welcome.
I love the whole modern minimalist look you're rocking here.
Thanks.
I have that same table.
Design within reach? Knock off.
Don't tell anyone.
Sit.
Sit.
I'll open up a bottle of wine.
Oh! You know that I used to get them free but then the wine clerk showed me his weenie and it was this big.
Little.
Been there.
Not done that.
Right? Fucking tiny! Ow! I'm fine.
Okay.
Yeah.
Up.
Up.
Up.
Up.
Oh, oh boy.
Okay.
Enough of that.
Okay.
How about you just stay here, and I'll get us some water.
Okay, but it won't taste as good.
Just a break.
I'm sorry.
I usually hold my liquor better than a tween starlet on the fourth day of a bulimia binge.
I don't feel as drunk as I did 10 seconds ago.
Good.
Then I hope you're alert enough to remember this.
Aren't you gay? If what you mean by gay is happy to be here, then yes.
I thought that you don't like to Does it feel gay to you? It feels happy.
Would you believe me if I told you I've never had sex on my floor before? Really? I don't believe you.
So wait, is he gay or not? The bruise on my ass would say not.
But no straight man knows that much about sucking cock.
What? They don't.
So how are you supposed to tell the difference? I guess you just assume they're bi until they give us reason to think otherwise.
Like, if he's eating pussy, you can assume he's straight.
But if he's not down for the pie, then He might be gay.
Right? Thank you.
Thank you.
Isn't he great? Isn't he gay? What? No.
We had sex this morning.
Did he munch the muff? So there's a chance that really cute gay guy who just started at my office could be straight? There's always a chance.
So how do I tell? Listen You approach it like a prosecutor.
Burden of proof is on you.
I'm really glad they put us together on this project.
Yeah, I'm glad you're here.
I heard this girl's a real bitch.
Yeah, she is.
Do you not like girls or something? Just the bitchy ones.
Who do I have to blow to get a cup of coffee around here? That would be me.
Do you not know to pour coffee? Oh, sorry.
Well, first of all, congrats on the book.
Devon and I will make sure that your launch party goes off without a hitch.
I told my agent that I hate doing this publicity shit, so Well, don't worry.
It'll be painless.
I was thinking something minimalist to show off your photographs.
A stark white gallery decorated with orchids and maybe a signature drink? A hybrid between a mojito and an apple Martini? Sounds totally gay.
Have you even seen my book? Hmm? I take pictures of chicks showing off their tits and their tats.
Seriously, is that the best that you can come up with? Or we can do something more rock and roll like in a tattoo shop? Serve beer on tap? I love it.
Tits, tats and pabst blue ribbon.
What could be better? No pabst, Stella.
I am not a hipster, asshole.
Winning.
Oh, fuck my life.
Okay.
He talks about orchids and mojitinis but he loves cheep beer.
What the hell is he? Sometimes it's hard to tell.
Sienna once hooked up with a guy who had one of those creepy porcelain doll collections.
You can't just scratch the surface, you have to dig deeper.
How deep? Deep.
Check his search history.
Is he looking at gay porn or sports? Listen in on his conversations.
Yeah, it was the sweetest little pussy I've ever seen.
Is he bragging about the poon he just scored or planning a trip to a bed and breakfast? The cutest cat ever.
Observe his behavior.
Does he check out a nice pair of tits? Or is he looking at a guy's bits? It is impossible to tell.
This guy may be truly bisexual.
Well, you can always try and fuck him and see what happens.
It might be the only way.
The event is tomorrow night.
With plenty of pbr on tap, it might be my best chance.
Ooh, free drinks.
Can I invite mark? Sure.
Cool.
Hey, maybe I should ask Tyler, too.
He can sniff out a gay guy a mile away.
You really think you need the competition? Yeah, I can totally meet you after.
No, that's in the opposite direction.
Where do you live? Really? I know that building.
Well, how about the Korean karaoke place on the corner? With all the '80s songs.
Great.
I'll see you then.
New boyfriend? Nah, just this gay guy I'm fucking.
Don't even try to make sense of this one, opie.
Call me crazy, but if he's fucking you doesn't that mean he's not gay? Shut up.
Don't ruin the fantasy.
Hey, my pen.
Now, this might be the perfect amuse-bouche but it's just missing a hint of citrus.
Do you like an amused bouche? I like to eat.
Do you? Ooh.
I'd like a taste of that later tonight.
I give up.
That's him over there.
What do you think? Hmmm.
The jeans say gay-gay-gay but the shoes say straight.
Stop agonizing and start propositioning.
This party is a goddamned disaster.
What're you talking about? The place is packed.
People are happy and most of all, they love your photographs.
This place is filled with douche bags.
I think I just saw a guy wearing a members only jacket unironically.
Tragical.
Yes.
Indeed.
And we're running out of beer.
So everyone's going to be drinking your disgusting wine which I told you not to buy but you bought anyway.
I'd rather be tattooing my labia than staying one more minute at this party.
But my agent told me I had to.
So Fuck my life.
What a bitch.
What a cunt! Oh, my God.
Yeah, right? She's fabulous.
I'm gonna go see if she wants to be my new bbf.
Your what? Bitchy best friend.
Traitor.
Anyway Hey, where's mark? I thought you said you invited him.
I did.
But he had a late meeting so we'll be getting together after the party.
Getting together like getting together? Get together like his tongue will be getting together with my vag.
Speaking of which, when are you gonna pounce? I'm gonna wait till the party dies down.
Then, I'm going to take him into the back and see which way his door swings.
Hey.
Well? Is he or isn't he? I don't know.
I can't find him.
Really? I thought I heard the sweet sounds of Booty slapping in the back.
I just assumed it was you and Devon.
You think Devon's back there with someone? I haven't seen him in like 20 minutes.
You wanna find out whether it's a he or a she? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh! Oh, God.
Ride me.
Best party ever.
Yeah! Hey! Get the fuck out! Close the fucking curtain.
He really is an equal opportunity whore.
That's gross.
Shut the fuck up and call me John Wayne.
John Wayne.
John Wayne.
Fuck me, John Wayne.
Fuck me, John Wayne.
John Wayne.
Switch.
Wrong hole.
Oh, fuck.
Sorry.
Okay, go.
That's my Neigh! Oh, neigh! Neigh, yeah! Oh, neigh! Fucking neigh for me.
Neigh! Oh, fuck.
Ride me to the sunset.
Yeah, oh.
Ride me to the sunset.
Side saddle.
Side saddle.
Side saddle.
Side saddle.
Side saddle.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
You're so hot.
You're so hot.
Great.
He must've left.
There goes my best chance.
Best chance for what? Where've you been? We ran out of ironic hipster beer so I went to the store but Looks like everyone bolted as soon as the tap ran out.
Yeah, except for that tattooed bitch who's having sex with my gay plus one in the stock room.
No shit? No shit.
Just ask him.
God, you have nothing to lose.
Hey, Devon.
Hey.
I, um I was wondering I really enjoyed working with you.
I've enjoyed working with you, too.
Can I just ask you a question that I've been wondering about for a week or so? Okay.
Are you gay or straight? If you really wanted to know why didn't you just check my relationship status? You didn't cyber-stalk him first? I just That's usually your first line of attack.
I tried.
He's not online.
Oh, my God.
Everyone's online.
What's his last name? Kennedy.
Here.
Were you spelling it correctly? How many ways are there to spell? Oh, I guess.
What does it say? Oh.
In a relationship with Chris dellegrino.
Guy Chris or girl Chris? I don't know because Chris has no profile pic.
No! Yeah, well this game of gay, not gay has been real but I think I'm gonna go and surprise mark at his place.
Oh, great.
Have fun fucking your gay guy.
Will do and thank ya.
- Neigh! Neigh! - Oh, neigh! I really like your shoes.
Yeah, you can borrow 'em.
Yeah, I can.
Oh, my God.
Oh yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, oh.
I can see the sunset.
I can see the sunset, John Wayne.
Lizzie.
Um, I thought you were supposed to meet me at the bar in an hour.
Yeah, I know.
The party went lame.
So I decided to surprise you instead.
Let me in.
Oh, no.
I'm not fully dressed.
I've seen you undress before, silly.
Come on.
What the fuck is this? What're you wearing? You look like you've been working on a car.
I didn't have enough time to change before you came over.
You went to work like that? Oh, Jesus.
You're not gay, are you? It was just an act to get laid? Oh, shit.
You know I'd almost respect you if I Wasn't so disgusted with the fact that I actually fell for it.
Lizzie.
I'm never picking up a straight guy at a gay bar again.
At least you know yours is straight and dtf.
I still have no idea whether Devon prefers hot dogs or tacos.
You notice something? What? It's just us.
Despite everything that we do, it always ends up just you and me.
Don't blame the rules.
Imagine how fucked up things would be without them.
Oh my poor little slunts.
Why so sad? I thought I found the perfect guy.
Gay in every way.
Except the one that counts.
Turns out, he's just an off-the-rack straight guy.
Take heart.
There's a little gay in all of us.
Although, Fiona had a lot of gay in her last night.
Ew.
So does that mean you're bi? Please.
Bisexuality is but a brief stop over on the way to gaytown.
But you said Just because I bust a nut in a snatch instead of having an ass-gasm, does not change the fact that I'm a card-carrying 'mo.
Chill, ladies.
I've got just the new thing for you to try.
No more gay bar drinks.
They're too sweet.
The worst heartburn from the last one.
Me too.
Not even if they're free? - Done.
- Okay.
It's an aquapolitan.
It's grapefruit and cranberry juice.
Sugar, mint, tabasco sauce, club soda, vodka, ice, champagne and lime.
Wow.
The only way to make this drink gayer is to stir it with your penis.
Bottoms up.
To heartburn.
Oh, wow.
Ah, Tyler, did you actually stir this with your penis?