The Jellies (2017) s01e09 Episode Script
The Invasion
1 [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ ALL PANTING .]
Cornell, look up! Ouch! What the hell, Malik? You bit me! Oops.
Wrong sport.
You cheatin'.
You just want to win so you can be a trophy.
[ GROANS .]
You're always cheating, Cornell.
I feel bad for your future wife.
She's a whore! Whatever, dude.
This game is stupid, man, 'cause we, as a collective, suck and are losers and are gonna have kids, and they're gonna grow up to become losers, too, and we gonna be homeless, 'cause we suck, and I'm going home.
What's up with Cornell? I don't know.
He just left You was there, right? Daaaang, since he left, we don't have enough people to play invisible soccer anymore.
[ DIRT BIKE REVS .]
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ TIRES SCREECH .]
'Sup? Wow! Dirt Bike Kid! Bored? Yeah, we're pretty bored.
Sucks.
Yeah, we wish we could have some fun.
Fun? Yeah! Come.
That sounds awesome.
[ ROCK MUSIC RESUMES .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
Who's at my house? Oh, no.
Maybe it's cops.
[ BUSHES RUSTLE .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
Oh.
Cornell, meet your parents.
What?! Your real parents.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
We were just getting to know your birth parents, P.
D.
and Pam Gorf.
It's great you guys get to meet finally Boy, please, them 16 years wasn't short for him.
They found us again after our appearance on "The Jerry Show.
" They also moved around the corner.
I know this must come as a shock to you, but here we are so how are you? I know this is all overwhelming You don't have to say anything.
[ MUSIC INTENSIFIES .]
[ MUSIC STOPS .]
Look, I got a book club coming, so y'all gonna have to take this somewhere else.
At least, take him out to eat or something.
Great idea! What do ya say? Uh, sure? We have a daughter, too, if you want to take her.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
Ah, the food's great, Cornell.
I see why this is your favorite.
No, it's the best.
And here's the best part The chocolate cake!! And here's our famous Annie Mae cake.
Oh, my God! Thank you! Oh, no.
No, thank you.
[ CHUCKLES .]
We're both very allergic to chocolate.
We'll just take the check.
Wait If you're both allergic, does this mean I am, too? [ GASPS .]
Oh, no.
I've eaten so much chocolate cake.
It's too late.
I'ma die! [ BREATHES HEAVILY .]
Ah, don't worry.
You seem fine.
It could've skipped a generation, but I wouldn't risk it.
[ DEMONIC VOICE .]
But you should never eat chocolate again like ever.
[ NORMAL VOICE .]
Seriously, it's not good for you.
[ CHUCKLES .]
You've turned into quite the young man in our absence, Cornell.
I only wish we'd had gotten to know you sooner.
Me, too! There's so many things I've wanted to know.
Well, buddy, whenever you have a question, feel free to fire away So, where you guys from? Well, I'm from a small town Why'd you put me up for adoption? It's kind of a long story What took you so long to find me? Technology these days is How old y'all? Well, I'm 43, and Why didn't you guys want me?! Is it 'cause of the birthmark on my nipple? [ DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ MUSIC STOPS .]
Hey, whaddya say we get out of here, and you come check out our house? I would love to! Uh, I should ask my parents first, though.
We are your parents, Cornell.
I know.
No, don't stop.
Don't stop! [ TIRES SCREECH .]
Oh.
Uh [ LAUGHS .]
We're here.
[ DOOR CREAKS .]
Welcome.
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS .]
Wow.
You don't have shit in here, dude.
What are we gonna do? Well there's four guys here.
Man, this is more boring than that time I watched my hair grow in the mirror.
[ GRUNTS .]
Come.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ ALL GASP .]
[ ELECTRICAL CRACKLING .]
Wow.
This photo is deep.
It speaks to me.
P.
D.
: Yeah.
Kind of a funny way how I even got into it.
I started out as a marine biologist at first, then found my true calling, which was Christian rock.
Then we got pregnant with you, and Pam said it's best to give you up.
We have a record deal on the line.
That's what Jesus would do.
So, we did, and I went on a world tour after, and the rest is history.
You know Mayor Leonard? [ CHUCKLES .]
Yeah.
He's a friend of mine from back in the day.
You look so different in this photo from the rest of 'em.
I was under a lot of stress at the time, especially Actually, it's in every photo from this one on.
It's almost like another person t Who wants to play some basketball? I got to be real with you This is just awesome! Whatcha thinking about, Dirt Bike Kid? Jump.
Jump? Jump what? People.
Amazing.
How many do you need? Five.
Five people? Five hun Five hungry people? I'm hungry people, so is that me? [ ALL GASP .]
[ DEMONIC .]
You guys want something to drink? This has been great.
Two more points, and I take you home? CORNELL: [ THINKING .]
Wait.
Is my dad missing a dick? Hoo-hoo! Great block, son! I knew you had it in ya.
Um, I got to pee pee.
I knew ya had it in ya! [ ENGINE REVS .]
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS .]
Okay, see, the dirt bikes themselves are symbolic for a metaphor of oppression.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, so what I think is, we film them, right Mm-hmm.
escaping Mm-hmm.
okay, into the air.
Mm-hmm.
Quentin Tarantino's filming, Garden's performing, Bow Wow is here.
He's hiding and pretending no one sees him.
Maybe we should invite Cornell over.
Nah.
Nah.
Yeah, you're right.
He'd probably be a buzzkill anyway.
[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ WHIMPERS .]
[ SOBS .]
[ BEEP .]
[ RINGING .]
[ WHISPERING .]
Reggie, where are you? Yo, I'm on a dirt-bike path with 499 other people.
Dirt Bike Kid is about to jump over all of us to break the world record for jumping over 499 people! Listen to me, Reggie.
After I left you guys, I ended up meeting my real birth parents.
But these people is just weird, man, and I'm starting to wonder if they really are who they say they are.
Oh, my God.
It's a hot dog truck here! [ REGGIE SHOUTS .]
Reg, I need your help.
[ SIZZLES .]
Oh, man.
[ DEMONIC MOANING .]
Guys? Guys? Mrs.
Pam? [ GASPS .]
[ GROANING, GRUNTING .]
[ SCREAMS .]
Aaaaaaaaaah! Oh, Cornell.
I was hoping you wouldn't find out this way.
But don't be afraid, son.
This is totally normal.
Stay the hell away from me, whatever you are! Come on, buddy.
This is This is me.
Cut the crap.
[ GASPS .]
We're done beating [DEMONIC VOICE.]
around the bush.
We've tried your way.
The whole pretending- to-be-parents was just a waste of time.
Now, give us the key.
Key? I don't have no key.
Your father created a disease to wipe our our kind.
The only cure in existence is in this case that's locked from a very unique key.
Now lift up your shirt, you pansy.
Whoo-hoo! There it is! Hmm.
On second thought, let's just kill him and take it ourselves.
[ BOTH GROWLING .]
[ SCREAMS .]
What the hell is that doing here?! What, this? [ GROWLS .]
Come on, buddy.
Just take it easy.
Y-You in my house! Don't don't disrespect me.
[ SCREAMING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
[ BUBBLING .]
[ WHIRRING .]
[ SCREAMS .]
[ DRUM ROLL .]
[ ENGINE REVS .]
[ WIND WHOOSHING .]
Reggie!! [ TIRES SCREECH .]
[ CROWD MURMURING .]
[ ALL GASPING .]
[ METAL CRASHING .]
[ ENGINE SPUTTERS .]
I'm fine.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Yeah! Oh, my God! Are you okay? No! You won't believe what happened! [ GROANS .]
I'm talking to Dirt Bike Kid.
Okay.
So sorry about our friend.
- Out.
- Sorry, Cornell.
Looks like he wants you to get the hell off his property.
- All.
- All of us? But we had such a great day.
I thought it would lead to a sleepover.
Now.
So, after I left you guys and went home, there was these two people at my house claiming to be my parents.
[ CELLPHONE CLACKING .]
And when I opened their bedroom door, they were taking off their human costumes, and they were giant praying mantises that tried to kill me, and [ MUFFLED .]
What's what's going on? Ugh, stop lying for attention.
Nobody cares! Thanks a lot for ruining our hot dog party.
Praying mantis bullshit.
Yeah, I was trying to get some [ TIRES SQUEAL .]
[ DEVICE BEEPING .]
[ CRACKLE .]
[ DISTORTED GROWLING .]
VOICE: Is the job done? you guys need help? Hello? [ INDISTINCT GROWLS .]
[ DEVICE CRACKLES .]
[ VEHICLE APPROACHING .]
[ TIRES SCREECH .]
Get in the car! What? Time is wasting.
Get in the car.
I'd really rather not.
This is for the fate of the whole world, nigga, the whole world! Get in the car! [ TIRES SCREECH .]
My parents are praying mantises.
Are praying mantises.
I know.
I've been tracking them for months now.
It's going down exactly how I prophesied.
We are moments away from the end of the world as we know it.
Oh, no! "Oh, no," yes is right.
What if I told you that the aliens have been secretly living amongst us here on Earth, and what if I told you Are you asking me or telling me? Bitch, don't interrupt my monologue.
I hope my parents and Ky are okay.
Don't worry.
I got your parents safe and sound back at my house.
Thank god.
What about Ky? Don't worry.
I got your parents safe and sound back at my house.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
Mom.
Dad.
I missed you.
Damn it.
You back already? We're so glad you're home.
Ain't none of y'all at home.
This is my house.
Now come on so I can explain why I'm always right and y'all should never doubt.
We running out of time.
BARRY: I don't understand how you made all of this off the money we get paid at work.
Huh? How much you get paid? Well, damn.
You just be spying on everybody? Well, you never know who's out to kill me.
Now what if I told y'all that I managed to make contact with aliens from another planet.
Wait, are you asking or telling me? That's the same thing I said.
Y'all just a family of idiots.
I see.
A few months ago, I was searching for other intelligent life-forms that black lives could matter to, so I sent a signal into outer space.
It was a J.
Cole record.
And I immediately got a message back.
[ SNARLING, GROWLING .]
J.
Cole trash.
How dare you disrespect our race.
What's wrong with J.
Cole? I kind of like him.
I tried to send them some good stuff like Marvin Gaye, but it was too late.
They made up their minds and I realized things could take a turn for the worse.
And, Cornell, your real father had something to do with trying to stop it.
The album is basically a forewarning, exposing the aliens' plan and how they chose first to infiltrate the government where they can easily kill our people on site without question.
So they got the police department, too.
Nah.
My intel suggests they're gonna attack today at the mayoral debate.
Oh, my God.
We've got to save Mervin.
[ ALARM BLARES .]
Damn.
They found me.
Who are they? CIA.
They trying to do me like they did Freddie.
- Freddie? - Hampton! Come on.
[ WEAPONS FIRING .]
Follow me.
[ TOILET FLUSHES .]
Okay.
Now that was close.
Now I have a friend named Chocolate who can help us, I think.
Why does that sound so famil Oh, she's the stripper you always visit.
Look, things are about to get really dangerous, so I think you guys should get out of here while me and Cornell go on.
No.
There's no way I'm putting my boy in danger.
Let him go.
He needs to be a man.
He ain't have no summer job, so this is fine.
Don't worry, Daddy.
I'll be okay.
Okay, Mervin, Mayor Jenkins, this final round of the debate will determine who will be the mayor for the next 4 years.
And the last question is, "Who are you?" Mervin.
Who am I? I'm a man who wants justice.
I'm a strong, smart, heterosexual whale with You's a bitch.
That's who you is.
Am I right, New York? Yo, word is bond, son.
He a liar, B! He frontin'! Straight clown, son.
! [ LAUGHTER .]
You know what, you're right? I am frontin'.
Let me tell you who I really am.
I'm Mervin Collins, a homosexual whale, and I'm gay as roller skates.
I can't pretend anymore.
I'm willing to stick my ass out there because I believe that to have a strong connection with you all, I need you to trust me and know I am not hiding anything from you.
That there is Marcus.
[ APPLAUSE .]
[ SNIFFLES .]
Aw.
That's so sweet, Mike.
They make such a cute couple.
Real talk, dude I pipe this nigger, B.
So this is who I am, and if you vote me for mayor, I will make it okay for everybody to be who they are, too.
We should not be treated different just because we are different.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Oh, I see how you rocking.
You wanna be all honest.
Well I'ma be all honest, too.
I know y'all thought Mayor Leonard Jenkins was just a cool-ass gangsta that would grip up on that thing even when you ain't got no thing, but the truth is I am a praying mantis, nigga.
[ LAUGHTER .]
That's right.
Laugh.
Because as soon as I'm done with this maniacal planned speech, I'ma turn everybody into sandwiches.
[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY .]
[ TIRES SQUEAL .]
[ CHUCKLES .]
Mm.
Madame Chocolate, you have visitors.
So what brings you out here, Sammy? It's going down.
The praying mantis are here and about to invade our planet.
I was right.
Yeah, you were.
And speaking of that, I found this.
There was a man who wrote this book about it, saying the praying mantis species has been living amongst us for years, and how he began to study them, find their weaknesses to defeat them.
To cover his tracks, he encrypted his blueprint in music, so he staged himself as a Christian rock singer under the name P.
D Gorf, of course.
And if you break it down, the name is an anagram for the poison dart frog, the one true natural predator of the praying mantis insect.
Supposedly, the last song on his album, "How to Kill Them," lays it out for us how to kill them.
Every time I play it, it's just blank.
Unless [ GIBBERISH .]
Hmm.
It sounds like we need to find a prince so you can kiss him and turn him into a frog.
Why can't we just go get a frog.
Because that ain't what the song says.
That's right.
Your boy, Mayor Leonard Francis Jenkins is a praying mantis.
Ha! I had all y'all fooled.
Y'all some dumbasses.
Hey, homey, you lying.
You ain't no alien.
Get up off that stage.
[ CROWD SHOUTING .]
Oh, yeah? Y'all don't believe me? Yo, should I show them that thing? Yeah.
Show them show them that thing, dude.
Ah! [ CRACKING .]
Nigga! [ SCREECHING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
[ WHIRRING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
That time I really did have that thing! [ CRUNCHING .]
[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY .]
[ SCREAMING .]
Are you sure the book meant this "Prince"? You know where to find another prince? Ahhhhh! It's Prince.
I have got to get a selfie.
Is you crazy? You post a pic like that, and a swarm of praying mantis will be up in our asses.
[ SIGHS .]
You are such a killjoy.
Shh.
Just hurry up and kiss him so we can save the world.
What the hell are you doing? I'm a stripper.
How else am I supposed to kiss? Ooh! Awesome! You did it, Chocolate.
You did it! Ribbit.
Anybody up for a game of basketball? Not now, Prince the frog.
We got some business to handle.
MAYOR LEONARD: It's time for everybody to respect me and my authority.
What's good? Pow! [ LAUGHS .]
PRINCE FROG: Ooh! Ribbit.
Sounds like you and your friends versus me and the Revolution.
[ LAUGHS .]
I see you don't know who you messing with.
[ CHIRPING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
[ BUZZING .]
[ ROARS .]
Damn.
I think we gonna need backup.
Time to send out the black signal.
[ WARBLING .]
- Who runs the world? - Girls.
Save lives, nigga.
As-salamu alaykum, my brother! Su woo! What's crackin', cuz! Ye is in the building.
DAVID DUKE: Not so fast.
We saw the black signal, too.
Prince the frog, attack! [ YELLING .]
Out of my way.
[ SCREAMING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
[ ROARS .]
[ SHOUTING .]
J.
COLE: Come on, y'all! Hey.
Hey.
Hey, y'all! Everybody, stop, please! Oh, my God.
It's J.
Cole.
Look, I never meant for my music to cause a deadly galactic war with praying mantises.
I make music to make people feel.
I write from my heart and soul.
You still trash! Ahh! [ GRUNTING .]
Ah! Oh! Well, well, well.
If it isn't Chocolate.
Or should I say, "P.
D.
?" What? Oh, so you not gonna tell them? Wait, what's going on? Look, the praying mantis thought they'd killed me, and I knew once they found out they didn't, they'd come back, and I had nowhere to hide the key to the box, so I attached it to your belly button.
To keep us safe, I put you up for adoption and went deep undercover in the area.
I went to a doctor named X who turned me into this, making it easier to do odd jobs around Walla Walla to keep my eye on you.
Samuel and I thought it'd be best if I got a job at a strip club so that we could talk and no one would suspect anything.
Sammy, Spike, and I had been working on this case for 15 years.
We knew this day would come so we got prepared.
Man, what is you trying to say? Get on with it.
Yeah.
What are you saying? Cornell, I am P.
D.
Gorf, your papa.
Oh, shit.
It's a squirrel.
Ha! That's what I call a distraction to get to my Uber.
UBER DRIVER: Uber.
Ah, dios mio! Don't let him get away.
Where my dogs at? [ DOGS BARKING .]
OMINOUS VOICE: [ LAUGHS .]
Y'all know it ain't no party without me.
[ XZIBIT THEME MUSIC PLAYS .]
It is time to end this.
Ooh! [ ZAP! .]
Ahh! - We did it! - Thanks, Sammy.
Don't thank me.
Thank Prince the frog, Chocolate, DMX, and the niggas who thought to even write this.
[ WHIRRING .]
[ ZAP! .]
MAN: Ay hemie, that's my hot deg! [ LAUGHTER .]
[ ALL PANTING .]
Cornell, look up! Ouch! What the hell, Malik? You bit me! Oops.
Wrong sport.
You cheatin'.
You just want to win so you can be a trophy.
[ GROANS .]
You're always cheating, Cornell.
I feel bad for your future wife.
She's a whore! Whatever, dude.
This game is stupid, man, 'cause we, as a collective, suck and are losers and are gonna have kids, and they're gonna grow up to become losers, too, and we gonna be homeless, 'cause we suck, and I'm going home.
What's up with Cornell? I don't know.
He just left You was there, right? Daaaang, since he left, we don't have enough people to play invisible soccer anymore.
[ DIRT BIKE REVS .]
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ TIRES SCREECH .]
'Sup? Wow! Dirt Bike Kid! Bored? Yeah, we're pretty bored.
Sucks.
Yeah, we wish we could have some fun.
Fun? Yeah! Come.
That sounds awesome.
[ ROCK MUSIC RESUMES .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
Who's at my house? Oh, no.
Maybe it's cops.
[ BUSHES RUSTLE .]
[ LAUGHTER .]
Oh.
Cornell, meet your parents.
What?! Your real parents.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
We were just getting to know your birth parents, P.
D.
and Pam Gorf.
It's great you guys get to meet finally Boy, please, them 16 years wasn't short for him.
They found us again after our appearance on "The Jerry Show.
" They also moved around the corner.
I know this must come as a shock to you, but here we are so how are you? I know this is all overwhelming You don't have to say anything.
[ MUSIC INTENSIFIES .]
[ MUSIC STOPS .]
Look, I got a book club coming, so y'all gonna have to take this somewhere else.
At least, take him out to eat or something.
Great idea! What do ya say? Uh, sure? We have a daughter, too, if you want to take her.
[ LAUGHTER .]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
Ah, the food's great, Cornell.
I see why this is your favorite.
No, it's the best.
And here's the best part The chocolate cake!! And here's our famous Annie Mae cake.
Oh, my God! Thank you! Oh, no.
No, thank you.
[ CHUCKLES .]
We're both very allergic to chocolate.
We'll just take the check.
Wait If you're both allergic, does this mean I am, too? [ GASPS .]
Oh, no.
I've eaten so much chocolate cake.
It's too late.
I'ma die! [ BREATHES HEAVILY .]
Ah, don't worry.
You seem fine.
It could've skipped a generation, but I wouldn't risk it.
[ DEMONIC VOICE .]
But you should never eat chocolate again like ever.
[ NORMAL VOICE .]
Seriously, it's not good for you.
[ CHUCKLES .]
You've turned into quite the young man in our absence, Cornell.
I only wish we'd had gotten to know you sooner.
Me, too! There's so many things I've wanted to know.
Well, buddy, whenever you have a question, feel free to fire away So, where you guys from? Well, I'm from a small town Why'd you put me up for adoption? It's kind of a long story What took you so long to find me? Technology these days is How old y'all? Well, I'm 43, and Why didn't you guys want me?! Is it 'cause of the birthmark on my nipple? [ DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ MUSIC STOPS .]
Hey, whaddya say we get out of here, and you come check out our house? I would love to! Uh, I should ask my parents first, though.
We are your parents, Cornell.
I know.
No, don't stop.
Don't stop! [ TIRES SCREECH .]
Oh.
Uh [ LAUGHS .]
We're here.
[ DOOR CREAKS .]
Welcome.
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS .]
Wow.
You don't have shit in here, dude.
What are we gonna do? Well there's four guys here.
Man, this is more boring than that time I watched my hair grow in the mirror.
[ GRUNTS .]
Come.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ ALL GASP .]
[ ELECTRICAL CRACKLING .]
Wow.
This photo is deep.
It speaks to me.
P.
D.
: Yeah.
Kind of a funny way how I even got into it.
I started out as a marine biologist at first, then found my true calling, which was Christian rock.
Then we got pregnant with you, and Pam said it's best to give you up.
We have a record deal on the line.
That's what Jesus would do.
So, we did, and I went on a world tour after, and the rest is history.
You know Mayor Leonard? [ CHUCKLES .]
Yeah.
He's a friend of mine from back in the day.
You look so different in this photo from the rest of 'em.
I was under a lot of stress at the time, especially Actually, it's in every photo from this one on.
It's almost like another person t Who wants to play some basketball? I got to be real with you This is just awesome! Whatcha thinking about, Dirt Bike Kid? Jump.
Jump? Jump what? People.
Amazing.
How many do you need? Five.
Five people? Five hun Five hungry people? I'm hungry people, so is that me? [ ALL GASP .]
[ DEMONIC .]
You guys want something to drink? This has been great.
Two more points, and I take you home? CORNELL: [ THINKING .]
Wait.
Is my dad missing a dick? Hoo-hoo! Great block, son! I knew you had it in ya.
Um, I got to pee pee.
I knew ya had it in ya! [ ENGINE REVS .]
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS .]
Okay, see, the dirt bikes themselves are symbolic for a metaphor of oppression.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, so what I think is, we film them, right Mm-hmm.
escaping Mm-hmm.
okay, into the air.
Mm-hmm.
Quentin Tarantino's filming, Garden's performing, Bow Wow is here.
He's hiding and pretending no one sees him.
Maybe we should invite Cornell over.
Nah.
Nah.
Yeah, you're right.
He'd probably be a buzzkill anyway.
[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ WHIMPERS .]
[ SOBS .]
[ BEEP .]
[ RINGING .]
[ WHISPERING .]
Reggie, where are you? Yo, I'm on a dirt-bike path with 499 other people.
Dirt Bike Kid is about to jump over all of us to break the world record for jumping over 499 people! Listen to me, Reggie.
After I left you guys, I ended up meeting my real birth parents.
But these people is just weird, man, and I'm starting to wonder if they really are who they say they are.
Oh, my God.
It's a hot dog truck here! [ REGGIE SHOUTS .]
Reg, I need your help.
[ SIZZLES .]
Oh, man.
[ DEMONIC MOANING .]
Guys? Guys? Mrs.
Pam? [ GASPS .]
[ GROANING, GRUNTING .]
[ SCREAMS .]
Aaaaaaaaaah! Oh, Cornell.
I was hoping you wouldn't find out this way.
But don't be afraid, son.
This is totally normal.
Stay the hell away from me, whatever you are! Come on, buddy.
This is This is me.
Cut the crap.
[ GASPS .]
We're done beating [DEMONIC VOICE.]
around the bush.
We've tried your way.
The whole pretending- to-be-parents was just a waste of time.
Now, give us the key.
Key? I don't have no key.
Your father created a disease to wipe our our kind.
The only cure in existence is in this case that's locked from a very unique key.
Now lift up your shirt, you pansy.
Whoo-hoo! There it is! Hmm.
On second thought, let's just kill him and take it ourselves.
[ BOTH GROWLING .]
[ SCREAMS .]
What the hell is that doing here?! What, this? [ GROWLS .]
Come on, buddy.
Just take it easy.
Y-You in my house! Don't don't disrespect me.
[ SCREAMING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
[ BUBBLING .]
[ WHIRRING .]
[ SCREAMS .]
[ DRUM ROLL .]
[ ENGINE REVS .]
[ WIND WHOOSHING .]
Reggie!! [ TIRES SCREECH .]
[ CROWD MURMURING .]
[ ALL GASPING .]
[ METAL CRASHING .]
[ ENGINE SPUTTERS .]
I'm fine.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Yeah! Oh, my God! Are you okay? No! You won't believe what happened! [ GROANS .]
I'm talking to Dirt Bike Kid.
Okay.
So sorry about our friend.
- Out.
- Sorry, Cornell.
Looks like he wants you to get the hell off his property.
- All.
- All of us? But we had such a great day.
I thought it would lead to a sleepover.
Now.
So, after I left you guys and went home, there was these two people at my house claiming to be my parents.
[ CELLPHONE CLACKING .]
And when I opened their bedroom door, they were taking off their human costumes, and they were giant praying mantises that tried to kill me, and [ MUFFLED .]
What's what's going on? Ugh, stop lying for attention.
Nobody cares! Thanks a lot for ruining our hot dog party.
Praying mantis bullshit.
Yeah, I was trying to get some [ TIRES SQUEAL .]
[ DEVICE BEEPING .]
[ CRACKLE .]
[ DISTORTED GROWLING .]
VOICE: Is the job done? you guys need help? Hello? [ INDISTINCT GROWLS .]
[ DEVICE CRACKLES .]
[ VEHICLE APPROACHING .]
[ TIRES SCREECH .]
Get in the car! What? Time is wasting.
Get in the car.
I'd really rather not.
This is for the fate of the whole world, nigga, the whole world! Get in the car! [ TIRES SCREECH .]
My parents are praying mantises.
Are praying mantises.
I know.
I've been tracking them for months now.
It's going down exactly how I prophesied.
We are moments away from the end of the world as we know it.
Oh, no! "Oh, no," yes is right.
What if I told you that the aliens have been secretly living amongst us here on Earth, and what if I told you Are you asking me or telling me? Bitch, don't interrupt my monologue.
I hope my parents and Ky are okay.
Don't worry.
I got your parents safe and sound back at my house.
Thank god.
What about Ky? Don't worry.
I got your parents safe and sound back at my house.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
Mom.
Dad.
I missed you.
Damn it.
You back already? We're so glad you're home.
Ain't none of y'all at home.
This is my house.
Now come on so I can explain why I'm always right and y'all should never doubt.
We running out of time.
BARRY: I don't understand how you made all of this off the money we get paid at work.
Huh? How much you get paid? Well, damn.
You just be spying on everybody? Well, you never know who's out to kill me.
Now what if I told y'all that I managed to make contact with aliens from another planet.
Wait, are you asking or telling me? That's the same thing I said.
Y'all just a family of idiots.
I see.
A few months ago, I was searching for other intelligent life-forms that black lives could matter to, so I sent a signal into outer space.
It was a J.
Cole record.
And I immediately got a message back.
[ SNARLING, GROWLING .]
J.
Cole trash.
How dare you disrespect our race.
What's wrong with J.
Cole? I kind of like him.
I tried to send them some good stuff like Marvin Gaye, but it was too late.
They made up their minds and I realized things could take a turn for the worse.
And, Cornell, your real father had something to do with trying to stop it.
The album is basically a forewarning, exposing the aliens' plan and how they chose first to infiltrate the government where they can easily kill our people on site without question.
So they got the police department, too.
Nah.
My intel suggests they're gonna attack today at the mayoral debate.
Oh, my God.
We've got to save Mervin.
[ ALARM BLARES .]
Damn.
They found me.
Who are they? CIA.
They trying to do me like they did Freddie.
- Freddie? - Hampton! Come on.
[ WEAPONS FIRING .]
Follow me.
[ TOILET FLUSHES .]
Okay.
Now that was close.
Now I have a friend named Chocolate who can help us, I think.
Why does that sound so famil Oh, she's the stripper you always visit.
Look, things are about to get really dangerous, so I think you guys should get out of here while me and Cornell go on.
No.
There's no way I'm putting my boy in danger.
Let him go.
He needs to be a man.
He ain't have no summer job, so this is fine.
Don't worry, Daddy.
I'll be okay.
Okay, Mervin, Mayor Jenkins, this final round of the debate will determine who will be the mayor for the next 4 years.
And the last question is, "Who are you?" Mervin.
Who am I? I'm a man who wants justice.
I'm a strong, smart, heterosexual whale with You's a bitch.
That's who you is.
Am I right, New York? Yo, word is bond, son.
He a liar, B! He frontin'! Straight clown, son.
! [ LAUGHTER .]
You know what, you're right? I am frontin'.
Let me tell you who I really am.
I'm Mervin Collins, a homosexual whale, and I'm gay as roller skates.
I can't pretend anymore.
I'm willing to stick my ass out there because I believe that to have a strong connection with you all, I need you to trust me and know I am not hiding anything from you.
That there is Marcus.
[ APPLAUSE .]
[ SNIFFLES .]
Aw.
That's so sweet, Mike.
They make such a cute couple.
Real talk, dude I pipe this nigger, B.
So this is who I am, and if you vote me for mayor, I will make it okay for everybody to be who they are, too.
We should not be treated different just because we are different.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Oh, I see how you rocking.
You wanna be all honest.
Well I'ma be all honest, too.
I know y'all thought Mayor Leonard Jenkins was just a cool-ass gangsta that would grip up on that thing even when you ain't got no thing, but the truth is I am a praying mantis, nigga.
[ LAUGHTER .]
That's right.
Laugh.
Because as soon as I'm done with this maniacal planned speech, I'ma turn everybody into sandwiches.
[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY .]
[ TIRES SQUEAL .]
[ CHUCKLES .]
Mm.
Madame Chocolate, you have visitors.
So what brings you out here, Sammy? It's going down.
The praying mantis are here and about to invade our planet.
I was right.
Yeah, you were.
And speaking of that, I found this.
There was a man who wrote this book about it, saying the praying mantis species has been living amongst us for years, and how he began to study them, find their weaknesses to defeat them.
To cover his tracks, he encrypted his blueprint in music, so he staged himself as a Christian rock singer under the name P.
D Gorf, of course.
And if you break it down, the name is an anagram for the poison dart frog, the one true natural predator of the praying mantis insect.
Supposedly, the last song on his album, "How to Kill Them," lays it out for us how to kill them.
Every time I play it, it's just blank.
Unless [ GIBBERISH .]
Hmm.
It sounds like we need to find a prince so you can kiss him and turn him into a frog.
Why can't we just go get a frog.
Because that ain't what the song says.
That's right.
Your boy, Mayor Leonard Francis Jenkins is a praying mantis.
Ha! I had all y'all fooled.
Y'all some dumbasses.
Hey, homey, you lying.
You ain't no alien.
Get up off that stage.
[ CROWD SHOUTING .]
Oh, yeah? Y'all don't believe me? Yo, should I show them that thing? Yeah.
Show them show them that thing, dude.
Ah! [ CRACKING .]
Nigga! [ SCREECHING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
[ WHIRRING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
That time I really did have that thing! [ CRUNCHING .]
[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY .]
[ SCREAMING .]
Are you sure the book meant this "Prince"? You know where to find another prince? Ahhhhh! It's Prince.
I have got to get a selfie.
Is you crazy? You post a pic like that, and a swarm of praying mantis will be up in our asses.
[ SIGHS .]
You are such a killjoy.
Shh.
Just hurry up and kiss him so we can save the world.
What the hell are you doing? I'm a stripper.
How else am I supposed to kiss? Ooh! Awesome! You did it, Chocolate.
You did it! Ribbit.
Anybody up for a game of basketball? Not now, Prince the frog.
We got some business to handle.
MAYOR LEONARD: It's time for everybody to respect me and my authority.
What's good? Pow! [ LAUGHS .]
PRINCE FROG: Ooh! Ribbit.
Sounds like you and your friends versus me and the Revolution.
[ LAUGHS .]
I see you don't know who you messing with.
[ CHIRPING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
[ BUZZING .]
[ ROARS .]
Damn.
I think we gonna need backup.
Time to send out the black signal.
[ WARBLING .]
- Who runs the world? - Girls.
Save lives, nigga.
As-salamu alaykum, my brother! Su woo! What's crackin', cuz! Ye is in the building.
DAVID DUKE: Not so fast.
We saw the black signal, too.
Prince the frog, attack! [ YELLING .]
Out of my way.
[ SCREAMING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
[ ROARS .]
[ SHOUTING .]
J.
COLE: Come on, y'all! Hey.
Hey.
Hey, y'all! Everybody, stop, please! Oh, my God.
It's J.
Cole.
Look, I never meant for my music to cause a deadly galactic war with praying mantises.
I make music to make people feel.
I write from my heart and soul.
You still trash! Ahh! [ GRUNTING .]
Ah! Oh! Well, well, well.
If it isn't Chocolate.
Or should I say, "P.
D.
?" What? Oh, so you not gonna tell them? Wait, what's going on? Look, the praying mantis thought they'd killed me, and I knew once they found out they didn't, they'd come back, and I had nowhere to hide the key to the box, so I attached it to your belly button.
To keep us safe, I put you up for adoption and went deep undercover in the area.
I went to a doctor named X who turned me into this, making it easier to do odd jobs around Walla Walla to keep my eye on you.
Samuel and I thought it'd be best if I got a job at a strip club so that we could talk and no one would suspect anything.
Sammy, Spike, and I had been working on this case for 15 years.
We knew this day would come so we got prepared.
Man, what is you trying to say? Get on with it.
Yeah.
What are you saying? Cornell, I am P.
D.
Gorf, your papa.
Oh, shit.
It's a squirrel.
Ha! That's what I call a distraction to get to my Uber.
UBER DRIVER: Uber.
Ah, dios mio! Don't let him get away.
Where my dogs at? [ DOGS BARKING .]
OMINOUS VOICE: [ LAUGHS .]
Y'all know it ain't no party without me.
[ XZIBIT THEME MUSIC PLAYS .]
It is time to end this.
Ooh! [ ZAP! .]
Ahh! - We did it! - Thanks, Sammy.
Don't thank me.
Thank Prince the frog, Chocolate, DMX, and the niggas who thought to even write this.
[ WHIRRING .]
[ ZAP! .]
MAN: Ay hemie, that's my hot deg! [ LAUGHTER .]