The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s01e09 Episode Script

I want to hear a "hey now.
" Are you with me now? Hold on.
One, two, three Hey now! That's fantastic.
You see these applause signs? Or does that say "applesauce"? No, that says "applause.
" Okay.
Well, come on.
Let's hear it, gang.
Hey now! Beautiful.
Come on, come on, come on! There ya go.
There ya go.
I'm sorry.
I didn't get the messages that you called.
I will fire somebody.
I'll fire somebody.
Would you change Skinner to Baker? You gotta start reading the newspaper.
- It's Baker now.
- I'm not done talking.
I thought we were done with our conversation.
- We'll talk after the show.
- Bullshit.
We're not gonna talk.
You'll be winding down.
We're not gonna talk now because you're gearing up.
We can't talk when you're at home because you're watching the show wincing and moaning.
The only way we'll talk is if I'm booked on the show as a guest.
Fine.
I'll book you.
You're on.
Except then you can't do Arsenio for the next three to six months - That's a decision you have to make.
- That's very funny.
I'm really serious here.
This is our life that I'm talking about, not the audience or the cameras or Have a good time.
I can't do this anymore.
- Five, four, three, two - What does that mean? - I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- What are you talking about? You don't know what you're gonna do? What does that mean? I mean, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Look I'll go do the monologue, I'll cut it short.
I'll come right back, and we'll talk about it then.
Two minutes, okay? I'll cut it short.
- You stay right here.
- Larry Sanders! Please.
Please, we have to get out of here in an hour.
Listen.
Thanks for coming tonight.
We have a wonderful show, real exciting show.
And, of course, I want to start off by mentioning the Republican convention.
How many of you watched? Right.
So did you notice when they panned all the people there there were an assortment of many different kinds of buttons.
Marilyn Quayle had the only one that said, "I'm with stupid.
" All right.
We're going to cut it short 'cause we have a great show.
We've got Billy Crystal, Catherine O'Hara.
Don't flip around.
We'll be right back with a great show.
Stay tuned.
Don't flip around.
- I want to stop the show.
- That can't be done.
What's the problem? Hank's still breathing, isn't he? I want to stop the show.
I was talking toJeannie.
We were talking about our life and she says, "I don't know what I'm gonna do.
" She used those exact words? Those exact words.
Listen to me carefully.
She said, " I don't know what I'm going to do.
" - Hell of a time to drop that bomb.
- Isn't it? Maybe it's my fault.
Maybe I have I'm not that open and communicative at home.
Maybe I have an intimacy Dr.
Ruth is just back from Africa.
I'll book her tomorrow night.
It's not a sexual problem, Artie.
Whatever you say, but I don't want you to be upset.
Tonight we have Catherine O'Hara and the great Billy Crystal.
What the hell are we talking about? I'm going to talk to her.
We've got 90 seconds! You don't know what you're gonna do? Maybe I would go to Chicago and spend some time with my folks.
How long has this been going on? It seems to me that you've been happy.
- When? - You were happy yesterday.
I remember when you were making those toaster waffles, you were very happy.
Don't tell me that I was happy.
I was not happy.
I haven't been happy for weeks, including yesterday when I made the toaster waffles, which, by the way, you like.
- How long will you be in Chicago? - I don't know.
Paula and I just overheard you saying You're going to Chicago? She's thinking of going to Chicago.
How long you going for? - None of your goddamn business.
- We would like to know how long.
Did you overhear the whole conversation? No, nothing.
I didn't hear anything.
Don't worry.
I just heard one word.
The word "Chicago," that's all.
Chicago gets my attention 'cause I like that city and it has a very distinctive-sounding name.
I did Second City in Chicago, too, so I have fond memories.
I did Second City mostly in Toronto, but I also - Chicago reminds me ofToronto.
- Sure.
Oh.
Excuse me.
I have a tickle in my throat.
Look, I can understand how you're frustrated by the fact that my life just consumes our life.
Don't tell me what the problem is.
I am telling you what the problem is.
What is it? It's that your career overshadows our life together.
I thought that's what I just said.
Ten seconds to air.
- Okay, I have to go.
- So do I.
I'll be back in eight minutes.
Will you just wait here? They get you for 8 minutes, and I get you for 90 seconds.
That's pretty much the problem in a nutshell.
Eight minutes.
No flipping.
Thank you.
Welcome back.
- What a good crowd tonight.
- Beautiful crowd.
- Isn't this a good crowd? - Beautiful crowd.
- Isn't this a good crowd? - A beautiful crowd.
Let's get right into my first guest.
I don't mean that literally.
She's a wonderful actress and really a gifted comedienne.
She's one of my favorite performers.
You know her from SCTV and, most recently, Home Alone.
And Home Alone II which is coming out momentarily.
Please welcome Catherine O'Hara.
You look very What's with your feet? Oh, I thought it rolled out.
Do you want to put your feet up there? You may.
You may put your feet anywhere you want.
- I'm sorry.
- No, my show is your footrest.
Think of it that way.
You look very pretty.
- Thank you.
- I haven't seen you in a while.
- You look just beautiful.
- Thank you.
I want to talk to you about several things first of all - Home Alone II, which is coming out.
- Yes, sir.
And tell me a little bit about that.
Well, we lose him again.
- You lose the kid.
- We're obviously, yeah, stupid.
Are they stupid parents? To people who learn from their mistakes, I'm sure, yes.
We left him at home, and he survived.
Now we're gonna throw him to New York.
We basically want to kill him, I think.
Is there likely How many Home Alones can you do? You can't lose the kid when he's in his 30s, can you? I hope I shouldn't say.
- I hope there are plenty more.
- Hopefully there will be a lot.
I think these parents will be put away after this.
Stay tuned.
We'll be right back.
Wonderful, Miss O'Hara.
If only every show could start as nicely as this evening's has.
Effervescent.
Only one word: Effervescent.
Yeah, well, you said it twice there.
Listen, she's going to Chicago.
That's tough, kid.
If they cross two or more time zones, that's a rule of thumb.
Probably gone for good.
Will you excuse me? I'm going to go talk to my wife.
I'll be right back, okay? I just want to say sorry I butted in the middle of whatever was going on with you and Jeannie.
- I'm a big goof.
- No, you were fine.
Don't even think twice about it.
You handled it very nicely, really.
I hope it's not too serious.
No, I'm sorry.
It's hard to balance your career with your relationship.
It's very, very hard.
I think Bo and I are lucky that we're at least in the same business.
- Bo? - My husband.
The guy I keep having to introduce you to.
The last time you met him for the first time was at Chevy Chase's party.
That's right.
Do you get along with him? - Bo? - No, Chevy.
- No.
- Neither do I.
I'm not comfortable.
- Yeah.
- Comfortable.
That's why I married Bo.
Can you picture him hosting a talk show? - Bo? - No, Chevy.
That's weird.
Don't worry.
I'm sure everything's gonna be fine.
You got a great career and home life, and I bet you balance them perfectly.
I'm fucked.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna go talk to her, okay? You know what? I'll stay here.
- Okay, you stay there.
- Unless you want me to No, you don't want me to.
Enjoyed Home Alone.
- Fine work.
- Thank you, Hank.
Look, I want to apologize for my buddy.
I don't know if you felt it, but he was rocky during the interview.
As anyone would be, given what he's going through.
Yeah.
You're right.
What is he going through? Everything's fine.
She was in the bathroom.
I couldn't talk to her.
Back in five! The show is a torturous, miserable hell.
Welcome back.
We're back with Catherine O'Hara.
I know Larry loves you.
This has been a tough month for him.
There's no need to protect him.
This month is normal.
Jeannie, look at the bright side.
You have a beautiful home, great cars.
You never have to worry about paying bills.
Sure, he ignores you, but nothing in life is free.
You guys don't have to try and make me feel better.
In fact, I'd prefer if you don't.
Listen, being married to a celebrity is very difficult.
I've got a friend who's married toJerry Van Dyke.
All he cares about is winning awards.
One time they were doing it, he slipped up and called her "Emmy.
" Good point.
Jeannie, Larry's won three Emmy awards and a People's Choice award.
You are not gonna find many guys who have done that.
Is there a key for this office? You have to understand, Jeannie.
He's been under a lot of pressure.
Every time you turn the channel, he's got a new competitor.
Fuck that.
Every day, all day, all we do is, "Get this for Larry, do that for Larry.
" - It's ridiculous.
- That's the way it should be.
- He's the star of the show, Paula.
- No duh, Beverly.
It's just made him an overly coddled individual, hence her problem.
I'm sure he's not that way at home.
Is he? He must be.
Anyway, it must be wonderful being married to a man like Larry.
What's going on? Nice going, Darlene.
Did these women make you cry? Why are you listening to them? They're just women.
They're projecting their own neuroses on you.
They're all sick.
You don't think they wish they were you? You don't think that? Darlene, by the way, is dating You know who? David Copperfield.
She can't find anything.
And Paula just dates musicians.
That's all she dates.
Six weeks is her longest relationship except when she went on tour with Oingo Boingo.
I think that was eight weeks.
And Beverly, she's seeing a man who won't leave his wife.
I said it.
It's supposed to be a secret.
Do you know that I sleep all day? What? For the last two weeks all day, every day I'm asleep.
Jeannie, what a delight.
Forgive me.
Mr.
Sanders, we are back from commercial in 35 seconds and I'd like to suggest that you use this time to prepare for Billy Crystal, who's a very funny man if he's given the proper questions that set him up for the material he's prepared.
Go ahead.
Fifteen seconds.
Ten and counting.
Hit it! If I may, Jeannie I don't really know you that well.
But I've known Larry a long time.
Larry's a good man, but he is a performer.
And you should try to think of a performer as a small, helpless child.
No, Artie.
I have sex with him.
I'm so sorry.
Not now, Hank, please.
- Red alert.
- Forgive me, Jeannie.
Beverly, escortJeannie backstage, please.
I've got some fine chocolate truffles from Luxembourg right on the monitor.
See you in a mo.
I hope for your sake you're not crying wolf.
You probably haven't noticed, but Larry is really bothered about something.
I think it's either the lighting or the fact that the crew is talking backstage during his interviews.
- He's fighting with his wife.
- About the lighting? About their lives.
My next guest is a talented writer, actor and director.
His new movie, Mr.
Saturday Night, comes out this week.
He's a good friend.
Please welcome Billy Crystal.
I've never had to stay up that long during an intro.
On any guest.
- On any intro of anything.
- How are you? - I am fine.
- Good.
I'm thrilled that you're here again.
Thank you for coming by.
- Nice to be here.
- And you look great.
- You've got a little - This? - Yeah, is that a - It's for a new movie.
- That would be the - No, this is for a different This is for the life story of Pavarotti.
I'm playing him No, I play him as an infant.
And what did he weigh back then, would you suppose? He was about 185.
I'm gonna be beefing up.
- Do you work out at all? - What do you mean? - I take that as an insult.
- No, no.
- I think I look very athletic.
- Your face is a little full.
- We were talking backstage.
- My face is not full.
I'm looking in the monitor right now.
Well, that's distorted.
How's Jack Palance? You've talked aboutJack Palance.
Last time I saw him, he was swimming the Atlantic, I think.
He's an amazing guy, Jack.
I haven't seen him, actually, since the Oscars.
Let me ask you I'll tell you one other thing I miss is Fernando.
Really? These people would love to hear I haven't Catherine, don't you Don't you miss it? Let me get you water.
I haven't done that in about six longer about eight years.
Everyone else was doing it more than I was.
We're going to take a quick commercial break.
- And I'll remember it.
- We'll come back.
We'll do it maybe when we come back.
Stay tuned.
We have more with Billy Crystal.
- Get a new table! - And a new table.
Don't go away.
- What are you doing? - You're killing.
You're asking all of this old stuff.
"You look marvelous"? Did I ask you to do the "you look marvelous"? - Jack Palance? That was last year.
- I didn't realize I asked you that.
I want to talk about the movie.
What, the movie? You've got such a great career.
- Jesus Christ, you're a big star.
- Would you stop it? You do one fucking movie after another.
Take it easy.
I just want to get to the movie.
- What's the matter with you? - I don't know.
I just like theJack Palance stuff.
It's old.
I was frightened you were gonna ask me to do Sammy Davis, Jr.
- Where is your head tonight? - I don't know.
I'm having a big argument with my wife.
- She's backstage.
- You're making a big mistake.
You can't let your personal life bleed into the show.
I have a lot on my mind, but I'm trying to do my job.
I wrote this thing, I directed it.
I got a lot on the line.
- Jesus, you're doing great.
- I'm doing great, yeah.
I haven't seen Janice in a long time.
Jenny's leaving for England.
I haven't been able to spend time with her.
I got this manager, thinks he's a comedy writer, puts his name on everything.
- Jeez, that's awful.
Steinburg? - You don't think it's been hard for me? I was bumped from the first Saturday Night Live.
- I went home.
I rode on a train.
- Don't tell me this story again.
I'm so tired of hearing this story.
I beg of you, don't put me through this again.
Do me a favor.
I just wanna plug the movie, so talk toJeannie, get your head together.
- Okay, I'll go talk to her.
- We can be good for the next segment.
I'll talk to her, come back, we'll talk about the movie.
- God, you're doing fucking great.
- Would you stop? Very funny stuff, and all from the mind of Billy Crystal.
- The show is going great.
- Oh, it's going great.
My life is falling apart.
I'm glad these TV cameras are here to cover it.
This is like the Hindenburg.
When will you start shouting, "Oh, the humanity"? I'm just telling you it's going great.
There's an electricity in the air.
What you're going through is not altogether bad for the show.
Why don't I have an argument with my wife every night? Maybe.
That's up to you.
But all I can tell you is that we've got half the anniversary show right here! What did Jeannie say? Larry, I tried to stop her.
I think she's leaving.
No, lad.
There's only seven minutes left in the show! - Condition red.
- What is it, Hank? Well, this is not an alert.
We have two guests who are concerned about the awkward energy on the show.
Fuck 'em.
What he means is schmooze 'em.
- What? - Let's go somewhere.
That's all that we need to do.
We'll go to Maui.
The Hanau Maui Ranch.
Beverly? This is great.
This'll take care of everything.
Would you book us for two weeks at the Hanau Maui Ranch? - Starting when? - Starting now.
- This coming week? - Fine.
It's sweeps.
We have Schwarzenegger, Roseanne without the husband.
We also haveJulia Roberts.
We have Cher, Aerosmith, the US Olympic basketball stars.
- Did we get the basketball team? - Oh, God! No, book it.
Two weeks in Maui isn't gonna solve anything.
- It will - We're back on the air in 15 seconds.
I can't believe this.
You guys are pathetic.
This is so unprofessional.
You wouldn't catch black folks doing this.
- Doing what? - The man takes charge.
And the woman gets what she wants without making a fuss.
Larry, go on.
You go finish the show.
We only have seven minutes left.
You will watch the show on the monitor.
Go on! Go! But that's exactly how I would have handled it.
Has Larry been drinking again? Back in five! Okay, we're back with Billy Crystal.
Welcome back.
And, gee tell me all about your movie, Mr.
Saturday Night.
It just sounds like a sensational, hilarious movie.
It's the story of Buddy Young, Jr who's a borscht-belt, Las Vegas comedian character that I created about 1982.
- I know that character.
- I always felt this guy had a life.
So, of the characters I've done, he was the most interesting.
He's one of those guys with a rhythm.
They're like machines.
"I come home, I find my wife in bed with my best friend.
So I said, 'L enny, I have to, but you?"' Where's my drummer? See, I need you.
He's one of those kind of guys, and I play him from the age of 31 to 73.
It's really the life story it's sort of like a RagingJew.
It's very much his relationship four, five, six with his brother.
It's his relationship with his brother over the course of comedy as you and I know it from the late '40s to present day.
- It's a great idea.
Good luck.
- Thanks.
I can't wait to see it.
We could look at it.
We have a clip.
The makeup is so remarkable in the sections of the movie when I play him as an old man.
So this is a segment of Buddy and Junior performing in Miami Beach in a condo rec room.
So he's onstage doing what he does in front of these senior citizens, so - Sounds like a funny clip.
- So let's show the clip right now.
We lost the clip.
Have you met my wife? - I was at your wedding.
- That's right.
She's standing over there.
Honey, come and say hi to Billy.
- Hi, Jeannie.
How are you doing? - This is Mrs.
Sanders.
Give her a warm welcome.
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
So good to see you.
This is nice of you.
Wanted you to come on and say hi to everybody.
Hi, Mom.
How's Chicago? That saved us a phone call.
So this is the first time you've been on the show.
- Yes, it is.
- You look beautiful tonight, may I say? Well, thank you.
This is really an opportunity for us to talk.
Yes, it is.
What have you been up to? Well, I've been up to a lot of things.
- A lot of different things.
- Listen, that is great.
I want to know them all, but we won't have time tonight.
Why don't you come back next week, and we'll talk more.
Well, honey, next week is sweeps week.
- I don't want to bump any big guests.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Let me just check that out.
Kim Basinger.
Good-bye.
Hello, Jeannie Sanders.
Tuesday night.
That's very sweet.
I'm sure our ratings will soar.
So that's good.
Kim Basinger can do maintenance that day.
- Tuesday.
Are you in? - I'm in.
Good.
All right.
We can come in together.
Next week.
See you all.
My guests will be Bruno Kirby and Chris Isaak and, of course, Jeannie Sanders.
Good night.
See you all then.
Clear! Delightful! This is the best show we've ever done!