The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s01e09 Episode Script

What? I didn't understand a word of that.
I know you have pantyhose on your head, but that doesn't even sound like English.
Let me just do the halfway thing.
They're not pantyhose.
- They're stockings.
- There's a difference? Pantyhose are so gay.
Do I look gay? - You don't look gay - Exactly.
- But more gay than if you didn't have pantyhose on your head.
Whatever.
Just give me the money.
Um, I don't want to do that.
- Really? - What do most people say? All right.
Money hand now, fast or stab.
All right.
You know what? Let's not do that.
Here you go.
- Take it.
- Thank you very much.
See you later there, chump.
You've just been mugged.
Uh, shit.
I think the power's out.
This is, uh this is awkward.
Still stuck.
Mm-hm.
Feel free to take the pan stockings off.
There you go.
Stockings, yes, thank you.
Maybe I will take them off.
Just try not to look right at me.
So how do you enjoy the whole stabbing and mugging lifestyle? It's not as fun as you think.
- Really? - I mean, there's a lot of blood, a lot of screaming, a lot of worry, a lot of stress.
You ever try to buy a loaf of bread with blood on your money? - It's not easy.
- You ever think of a career change? - Yeah, all the time.
- You know what they say you gotta do what you love.
What do you love to do? To be honest with you, my dream job is I always wanted to be one of those guys in the subway with a guitar they sing, they get handouts.
That's your dream job? That seems like that would be the pinnacle for me.
Why don't you go for it? Get a guitar.
I can't afford a guitar.
This money I got from you, that's gonna go to more stockings.
You know what? I got to tell you this.
I have a guitar I used to play.
- I could lend it to you.
- Really? If it could turn your life around - Are you serious? - Why not? That is the nicest thing anybody who I've ever mugged has done for me.
I consider you a friend.
That's really cool of you.
I should probably get the mugging money back - in light of this.
- No.
No no no.
That happened when we had that whole mugger-victim relationship.
Stop living in the past.
- Wow, this is great.
- Look at me.
- All set.
- Mm-hm.
- You know what you're gonna play? - Not sure.
I might do "Love is a Battlefield.
" - Yeah? - That might be it.
- The Pat Benatar song? - Yeah.
That can't be the whole set.
Well, I know another one.
You know two songs.
You should've mentioned this before you started a whole new career.
- You just seemed so gung-ho.
- You know two songs.
I got caught up in the excitement.
Okay, what's the other one? "Monster Mash.
" What? I know the song.
Randy.
Come on, Tim! You know what? I'm gonna have to stop you.
- What's up? - We got problems, Randy.
You can't go on today with that.
- What else do you got? - I've written a few of my own songs, - but they're personal.
- You've written songs.
- Yeah, they're personal.
- That's why people are gonna love it.
- They want to hear your stories.
- You think? Sharing with the audience instead of playing "Monster Mash" over and over? I think that's a good trade-off.
- Hey, Tim.
- Oh.
Hey, Amy.
Amy, this is Randy.
Randy, Amy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I'm lending him my old guitar.
- Do you guys work together? - Work? No.
Uh, Randy mugged me this morning - He mugged you.
with a knife.
But then you brought him here - to our apartment.
- Sounds like a weird chain of events when you string it together.
And now he knows where we live.
Amy, please.
You guys are like family.
I would not steal from my family.
Especially 'cause you got shit here.
I mean, there's just nothing here.
It's crap.
Who'd want this shit? Yuck.
I can't even believe you have it.
Okay, Randy, here we go.
I'm gonna start you off with your first dollar.
- The first of many.
- Thanks, Tim.
Thanks again.
Uh, hi, everybody.
Uh, really nice to meet you all.
Thank you all for coming.
At the encouragement of my very very good friend Tim - that's him over there - Thank you.
- I'm gonna sing some original songs for you, stuff from my own life experiences.
This first song is called "Lovely Lady.
" It's about a woman I never got the chance to get to know.
Here we go.
# Lovely lady # # You look so good tonight # # I know it's wrong # # But it feels so right # # I'm gonna stab you, bitch # # On the subway tonight # # I'm gonna stab a bitch # # Gonna stab a bitch # # Gonna stab a bitch on the subway tonight # # Could it be you? Could it be you? # # Who am I gonna stab? Nobody knows # # Yeah # # Gonna stab a bitch.
# Thank you.
That's about stabbing bitches.
Next time, could be you.
Thank you.
- Tim, where'd everybody go? - L I don't know.
Maybe the train came? It didn't, but Randy, are all the songs about stabbing? Yeah, well, there's one that's about choking, but there's stabbing in that too.
That was a bizarre set.
"Stabbed a Bitch in the Subway" - and "Monster Mash.
" - Tim, you know, I tried.
I'm gonna go back to mugging.
- No.
- I can't deal with the rejection.
- Randy, this is sad.
- Thank you for everything.
- I feel awful.
- What are you two boys talking about? Hey, Debbie, my friend Randy's trying to launch a singing career, but no one liked his music.
Aw.
Well, first things first.
- Hello, Randy.
- Hi.
What did you sing? A lot of stabbing, stabbing and knife songs.
- Oh, you're an artist.
- Mm-hm.
A lot of grassroots music.
He was asked to stop.
Some people can really relate, you know, - if you've been stabbed.
- Most people can't.
Very few people seemed to be singing a long.
Listen, sugar, on the subway people mostly, they just want to hear music that makes them feel good.
They want to think about tropical vacations and rum drinks and coastal winds.
Yeah, you never touched on any of the coastal winds.
I mean, it's an idea, but it's not I don't know.
It's not me.
Stab? A song about stabbing someone at a nice resort area? No no no.
You talk about stabbing a mango while you pour a rum drink.
- Tim, what do you think? - I think you should run with this.
- Make it your new shtick.
- Shtick? Yeah, wear a Hawaiian shirt.
A Hawaiian shirt? Better yet, no shirt.
Wear no shirt, flip-flops, some shades - Flip-flops? have a drink in your hand.
- People'd go crazy for that.
- Yeah, why not? It's a whole different direction.
- I could be the laid-back guy.
- Yeah.
- Laid-back guy.
- Forget the subway.
Go to Central Park or something.
Central Park? That's a great idea, Tim.
My God, how could I ever repay you? You could literally repay me the money you mugged.
What are you talking about? You mugged me.
You remember that, right? - That was so long ago.
- That was this morning.
How often are you gonna bring this up? Wow.
- That is a laid-back guy.
- Look at this? - I like the new shtick.
- Oh man, thank you.
- It's working.
- Okay.
- Good luck, pal.
- Thanks thanks.
Um, hey listen, everybody.
Gather around, everybody.
He's gonna sing for you.
Come close, come close.
Come closer.
I'm gonna play some feel-good tunes for you right now, but first I just want to thank my friend Tim right there.
He pretty much turned my life around and he's pretty much my best friend in the whole world.
- Don't say that.
- Well, it's the truth.
Tim, this song is for you, you stupid son of a bitch! I didn't know he was gonna sing this! You guys seem like good friends.
Are you like his mentor? - Yeah, we're pretty close.
- Cool.
Not sure why he's singing the Pina Colada song to me.
Oh, I love this song.
I love the laid-back vibe.
That was my idea.
I gave him the guitar.
- I set a lot of this up.
- Oh, it's so good.
I coordinated the whole thing.
Where do I know that voice from? I tell ya, it's a real great feeling being out here singing for you people and not stabbing you all in the face.
Holy shit! That's the guy who mugged me and stabbed my sister! - No no.
- No, yes! No, he's the one who sang beautiful songs to your sister.
You guys stay here.
I'll go get a cop.
- No, get a drink.
- Hey hey! She's getting a cop, Randy.
Hey, bitch, just come back and relax - and enjoy yourself! - Oh my God! - No, Randy - Relax! - Oh, man.
- Folks, this isn't working.
I'm gonna get out of here.
I really appreciate you guys listening to me.
- Tim, I'm gonna keep the guitar.
- No no.
And the rest of you, hand over your cash or I'm gonna stab everybody.
- No no no no.
- Stabbing.
Don't cut me! Here's $50.
Thank you.
I'll take that.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- No, Randy.
You are really killing the laid-back shtick.
I know, I know, but things change.
I have a great idea.
This is a great lure.
Yeah, I lure people in with the guitar and then I stab 'em, take their money.
It's a great idea all thanks to you, Tim.
Goodbye! All righty then.
Should we disperse? - All right, where is he? - He's gone.
- He's long gone.
- But this guy set the whole thing up.
- He's the mastermind.
- Yeah, he's friends with him.
- Oh, you are? - He's his mentor.
- No.
- Are you an accomplice to this crime? - No.
- You said you set it up.
Yeah.
Brought the guitar.
Set it up meaning I chose the location and the wardrobe.
Explain it downtown, asshole.
Will you at least acknowledge the irony that I got mugged twice in one day and I'm being arrested? In order to acknowledge the irony, I would have to learn two new words today.
I'm not gonna do that.
Amy, before you say "I told you so," I just want to encourage you to lock the front door and do not let Randy in if he comes to return the guitar.
He will probably stab you.
Hey, boss.
- Tim, Tim, come on in.
- Rodney said you wanted to see me? Listen, how do you feel about going on a little business trip? - Are you kidding? - No.
- I'd love it.
- I know.
I've never been on a business trip.
You deserve it.
It's time you went.
That's great.
Where am I going? Is it the London office? - No, not London.
- That's the main headquarters, right? You're warm, but that's not the one.
- Amsterdam? - Take a guess.
Somewhere in Europe? - Here's a little hint.
- Yeah? - Gordon Jump.
- Gordon jump? What does that mean? - You got it? - No.
Venus Flytrap.
These aren't characters from "WKRP - in Cincinnati," are they? - Bang! Cincinnati! You're going to Cincinnati, Ohio.
How was I getting warmer before? I mean, if you're traveling east get a globe, figure it out.
Who who am I traveling with? - Want to know who you're going with? - Yes, someone fun? Yeah, fun.
Marty.
- The guy in accounting? - Party Marty.
Marty, come on in here! - Oh, man.
- Here's Marty.
Hi.
Hey, Tim.
- Hey, Marty.
- You're my new travel buddy.
- I've never heard that phrase used.
- Travel buddy.
No, we're just going to Cincinnati together.
Look, you should know I ruptured a disc in my back.
- Okay.
- Yeah, it's not that important.
- Why are you telling me that? - It doesn't really affect you.
And also, my bowels act up sometimes.
So you know if I make a mistake in my pants, it's good to have someone around to help me with that.
All right.
I guess this'll be a fun fun trip.
Well, I can't imagine it will, but who knows? Bring something to read, Tim.
Wow, this is exciting.
Traveling the globe for an international corporation I hope you're not jealous, Amy.
I can't take you on the trip.
They made that clear.
- I'm not jealous, Tim.
- It's just me and Marty.
No, I'm happy for you.
You sound jealous.
I mean, I'm packing a bag in front of you.
I feel bad.
Tim, you're going to Cincinnati - Yeah? with an old man.
- And - I pretty much wouldn't go on a trip like this if you paid me.
If I paid you money, if I wrote you a check, - you wouldn't go? - It sounds like the worst trip ever.
All right, now it just sounds like you're getting defensive.
Call me at the hotel if you get Ionely.
- That probably is not gonna happen.
- No? - I have plans with Julie tomorrow.
- Oh.
Um, she's gonna come over for a little pre-party.
We're gonna go to Club 212.
Come to think of it, the pants that I'm wearing, they don't have pockets.
You've chosen the pants already? - They're tight.
The phone doesn't fit.
- Yeah.
No, but have fun in Ohio.
Okay, Marty.
I guess we gotta we're gonna do this.
- This is gonna be a good one.
- You think? - I know.
- I hope so.
- It's my first business trip.
- That's great! I can still remember my first business trip.
- Really? - It was back in 1972.
An overnight trip to Cleveland.
- Hmm.
- Took the bus.
I guess that's a good trip.
It was a good trip.
I must've banged Come again? - Tim, I'm not gonna lie to you.
- 10 whores? - I'm a different man on the road, Tim.
- To say the least.
This is gonna be great.
Me and you on the loose in Cin City.
- No, what's happening to you? - Cin City.
- That's not a nickname.
- It's a nickname for Cincinnati - Going to Cin City.
Here we come.
- Nobody calls it that.
- Are you with me? - I'm not at all.
- You're gonna be.
- Marty, let's just relax.
- Why don't you sleep? - I can't.
I would need to take something and I don't want to be medicated when we land, 'cause then I'll be out when I need to be up and out when we go in.
We get those bitches.
Cin City, here we come! Werewolves of Cin City! Marty, stop howling.
Let's get up in here.
Let's get busy with this.
- Marty - I'm gonna get it in and mess you up.
Bring on the bitches.
Wow, this is a whole different Marty, isn't it? - This is the Marty.
- Excuse me, sir.
I'm gonna need you to sit down.
Oh, okay.
I'm happy to sit.
- Thank you.
- I cannot make promises for Marty Jr.
He is very excited right now.
Mm-hmm.
Are you Marty Jr? Am I Marty Jr? No.
The way the conversation's been going, I've got to assume it's his penis.
- That was an interesting flight.
- To say the least.
- Banned for life.
- They say they're banning you for life, - but they don't do that.
- They don't? - Customer's always right.
- I don't think you were right.
- Tim? - Yeah? Here we are.
The Ho-liday Inn Express.
That's pronounced Holiday Inn.
No.
Ho-liday.
Because the place is packed with hos! It's really not, Marty.
That's what's in there and if you play your cards right, you'll be packed inside.
You get my drift? You've got an answer for everything, don't you? And it's always dirty.
Wow, it's not really packed with hos.
- It will be.
- You know what? One drink, then we're gonna run through the presentation.
- Tim, we're not here - One drink.
- We're not here for the presentation.
- That's exactly why we're here.
We're here for the ladies - hot Ohio lady action.
- No.
We're not here for that reason.
Barkeep, I'd like one red-headed slut and a stiff nip you like a stiff nipple? - Me? - A stiff nipple! And excuse me, what would you like? - Ladies? - No, that's somebody's mom.
Marty, you're spending a lot of money.
Are you gonna be able to write this off? Tim, on business trips, everything can be written off.
- How? - You just need to be creative.
- Not that.
- Anything.
- Slippery nipples and sluts? - See this shirt? - Do you see it? - Yeah.
This shirt I purchased for this trip.
You know how I'm writing it off? - "Shirt"? - No.
- "Business apparel"? - No.
- No? - "Cab to Kinkos.
" - That's a cab to Kinkos.
- Yeah.
Be creative and you can have a little fun on these trips.
- No, Marty.
- Come here.
I can't say this loudly.
- Yeah? - One time I bought a brick of coke - No, you didn't.
- I did and snorted it off the ass of the concierge girl at the Radisson.
This is why we never meet the sales projections.
Ask me, how did I write that off, the brick of coke? - How did you write it off? - Yeah.
- "Cab to Kinkos.
" - Cab to Kinkos.
How did I not know that? You can write anything off with that.
You're in good hands.
I know what I'm doing.
I guess you do.
You've thought this through.
- I'm your travel buddy.
- I just want this meeting to go well.
- As do I.
- We're talking about everything - but the presentation.
- Cin City, Tim, rules are different.
Fellas, we're coming up on 9:00 p.
m.
You know what that means: Last call! It looks like the rules are that the bars close - at 8:30.
- Let's move this party elsewhere.
Bartender, two bottles of vodka.
- Charge it to this guy's room.
- No.
And give yourself a $40 tip.
No, don't do that.
You know what? Let's rehearse.
Let's find a quiet place to talk - and run through it.
- Okay.
- That'll make you happy? - It will.
All right.
I know the perfect spot.
Marty, I think the business center would've been a better choice.
You can do business in here.
- Not really.
- You can.
- Marty, it's a hot tub.
- Get in.
We have a big presentation in the morning.
What am I gonna say? I'll start the meeting.
I'll introduce everyone and then you'll do whatever.
You'll say some stuff about 4th quarter results and global expansion and blah blah blah blah blah.
Marty, it's not blah blah blah.
- I gotta - Wear a nice tie and splash on cologne, that's all that matters.
Get in the tub.
- They don't care what I say? - Have some booze.
- Get in the tub.
- You have consistently bad advice.
That's subjective.
Come here.
- Tim, I'll make you a deal.
- Yeah? You get in the hot tub, you have one drink and then we'll do a quick rehearsal.
- Promise? - I promise, absolutely.
All right.
I'm getting in the tub.
Ahh.
Don't make those noises while I'm in there.
Sorry.
- Wow, this is relaxing.
- See? Two dudes in a tub.
You are learning how to mix business with pleasure.
- I am.
- That's what I'm about.
You gotta hop in the tub.
You gotta take your pants off and hop in the tub.
It's symbolic.
Hopping in the tub is mixing it up.
Sometimes you gotta stand up on the plane and howl.
Eh works for me.
Right? You gotta mix business with pleasure.
You need to mix presentations with coke.
with blowjobs.
Now you're taking it too far.
It all has to blend in, Tim the yin and yang of life.
- Mmn.
- I really I get you now.
I really do.
I get you.
I could see behaving like you on the plane next time.
I really could.
- A toast to business.
- To business.
- L I gotta go.
- What happened? - What happened? - I gotta make a bathroom run.
There's one thing that doesn't mix all my medication and all the crap I've been drinking.
- My bowels are all messed up.
- Bowels? By the way, if Raquel and Linda show up, just offer them a drink.
Raquel and Linda? - Oh, hey, are you Marty? - No, I'm Tim.
- Marty had to run.
- Oh.
- But I guess he called you guys? - Yes.
Great.
What a fun idea this was, - meeting by the pool.
- I guess so.
- Listen, I know he called you guys - Yes.
but I don't want any kind - of blowjob or rimjob.
- Whoa.
I certainly don't want to be banging anybody out by a hot tub at a Holiday Inn.
I assume I assume you guys are the hookers? You're the hookers that Buddy, we're the clients.
- Tim, hey.
- Hey.
Let me sorry.
Do you mind if I just dive right in to this, we just eliminate the small talk? I just wanted to say thanks for sending me on that trip.
Oh, you're welcome.
You really represented us well.
- Thanks.
- From what I understand, Marty invited the clients back to the hotel for a drink.
- Yeah, that was Marty's deal.
- It was his idea? What I understand was when the clients got there, you were naked in the hot tub bottle of vodka in each hand, fake chest hair taped to your chest, hair in a beehive just waiting for a bunch of prostitutes.
- Is that accurate? - Aspects of it are.
I may have embellished the beehive business.
Um, no, I was can I be honest here? - Please.
- Marty is not the guy you think he is.
- Tim, Marty wasn't there.
- Wasn't where? He wasn't there.
He wasn't in the jacuz' when you were there with the vodka and the hookers.
We know from his expense report that at that very moment that you were in there "networking," he was in a cab on his way to a Kinkos.
His expense report says that.
Yes, the receipt's right here.
The poor guy was he was back and forth to nine different Kinkos during the course of eight hours in the middle of the night.
You can't argue with these receipts, can you? You can't argue with the receipts.