The Middleman s01e09 Episode Script
The Obsolescent Cryogenic Meltdown
You texted, I came.
Do you love it? The batter of the bulge pancake house? Well, in the pantheon of places i'd like to be taken by a gentleman caller You don't find the promise of luftwaffles and panzer cakes irresistible? While I do admire the culinary genius who thought to forge the human drama of the allied struggle against nazi germany with the goodness of all day breakfast I didn't bring you here for the pancakes, dubs.
You didn't? I may be a starving musician, but give me a little more credit.
Well, thank god, because, technically this is our third date, and while things have been known to happen on third dates, the batter of the bulge pancake house isn't exactly a deal maker.
Though the thought of "things happening" has occasionally occurred to me since we met, it's not why I brought you to this bunker of maple syrup and mortar fire.
Hold these, if you please.
- Why am I standing up? - Step this way, please.
But I was just about to order a cruller named after the invasion of crete! Just a couple more steps, porsche dubster.
What's with the quarters? All your questions will be answered right now.
Sweet mother of nolan bushnell.
- It's gut wrencher 1.
- It's gut wrencher 1! The goriest side-scroller in history, banned in 17 countries, the only arcade game ever to be denounced by both tipper gore and the dalai lama.
They only made 150 of these before it all went set-top.
But only the coin-op edition has the additional four levels of sheer carnage that the home edition did not have.
This is my favorite.
How did you know? Because you're made of awesome.
Oh, my god, tyler, I Don't get all mushy on me, princess.
I came to play.
Come on, shoot him! He's at 60 percent! Keep him off me, I gotta get the scud missile.
Come on! He just chopped off my leg! I'm going as fast as I can.
Oh, he took my other leg! That's it, tyler ford shall smite you! All right, I got this one, fordo.
wow.
We just destroyed the th level bloodlust catamite.
Yeah, with a scud missile.
And it only took 18 dollars in quarters to finish the game.
Ida, what the? Quite the minx, isn't she? Story of o! Turn it off! Full surveillance, standard operating procedure whenever a middleman starts a meaningful personal relationship.
Wendy's like a little sister to me.
Sorry, it's in the manual, I gotta do this.
- This is horrifying! - No choice, pal.
Part of the job.
We do not abuse our surveillance privilege like that.
Wimp.
The Middleman Season 01 Ep 09 absolutely not, I totally delivered the killing blow.
If I hadn't shot that scud into its catamite behind, you'd still be at the controls and legless.
I totally warmed him up for you.
Gut wrencher 2 on the emulator tonight? Like you have to ask.
bye.
So things went well at the pancake house? They had a coin-op gut wrencher 1.
Say no more.
I just wish I wasn't having such a difficult time of this.
Sex, waffles and videogames? What am I missing? Can you keep a secret? Have I told anyone about that thing with the blueberry pudding pops and the elliptical machine? It's my mutant power.
Can you make fire with your mind? 'Cause that would explain some things.
No.
Every time I'm in a relationship with someone, I can always see how it's gonna end.
Oh, come on.
That's japanese game show crazy.
It's true.
We've roomed and now you tell me about your mutant ability? With great power comes great responsibility.
What about ben? If you'd known that he would videotape your breakup and put it on the internet I knew it would involve film.
What about tyler? How's that gonna end? That's the problem.
I don't know.
Not only do you have a mutant ability, you have a mutant ability that isn't even working.
And it's freaking me out.
Over the years I've gotten used to knowing that my relationships were doomed and why and it's weirdly comforting.
That makes no sense.
But after three dates and a videogame carnage-inspired hookup, I still have no idea about tyler.
I just don't know what to do.
Proceed, you dolt.
- I knew you wouldn't understand.
- Oh, I understand that you're groping for an emotional escape hatch because of what happened with ben and steve and rodney and tommy tam.
Just keep this to yourself, ok? Hello, ladies.
I need some caffeine action post-haste.
Anvil drank all my coffee again.
Hey, noser.
Wendy thinks she has this ability that tells her when and how all her relationships are going to end.
Lacey! That just sounds to me like a coping mechanism to avoid intimacy.
All right, that's enough.
You've got to stop looking for the emotional rip-cord, dub-dub, or you're gonna find out that your parachute's really a backpack.
What's that even mean? Uh, dubbie Hey.
- "Hey?" - yes, hey.
Uh, there's something you and I need to discuss.
It involves your middlewatch and the real time situation recording archive.
Oh, that thing in my watch that records everything I Oh, my god.
You saw me and tyler! Dubbie, there is watching and there is seeing.
And I did not watch, but I did see.
It was a split second, really.
Of course, part of the training means I can memorize a crime scene with nothing more than a glance.
Aw! Gross! There's something called code 86.
It's a protocol we have in place to shut down the recording archive should a member of the organization require privacy of a personal nature.
Why didn't you tell me before? I didn't think you'd need it this soon.
Can we just talk about something else or solve a crime or something? You're in luck.
Someone just melted a jewelry store downtown.
Melted? Like butter.
Let's go.
I'm Dr.
Alexander scott.
This is my associate, kelly robinson.
We're with the pentagon.
When will you have a name? I'm sorry, ma'am, a name? Of the man who came to my jewelry store, melted the back wall and stole seven figures in precious necklaces.
All I need is a name.
Are you former kgb, by any chance? No.
Can you describe the perpetrator? Looked like andy warhol.
Long black overcoat, wayfarer sunglasses, thick red scarf and store-melting ray gun.
You give us a name, we pay you handsomely.
Are you sure you aren't former kgb? Positive.
What kind of wing-nut are we talking about? The kind who could kill millions, take down cities, countries and even puppy dogs and playgrounds and one whose mo seems strangely, uncannily familiar to me.
Strangely, uncannily familiar? Dubbie, this calls for swift and decisive action.
It's a good thing we're taking swift and decisive action.
No really, this is a level of ass-kickery I've never experienced before.
In the immortal words of bertolt brecht, "hungry man, reach for a book.
It is a weapon!" brecht was a communist.
Dubbie, you are looking at the middlelore.
Every foe the middlemen have faced over the centuries is recorded and stored here.
Ah! Here's an oldie the domino.
You had a cuban supervillain? Lithuanian.
Tried to create a domino effect to knock down all the buildings in the city.
Check this guy out.
The fabulous face.
He tried to replace everyone in the white house with evil doubles.
And he succeed, though no one seemed to notice at the time.
And here's Dr.
Solaris, who tried to taint the water supply with a boredom toxin.
Which someone seems to have used on you.
Can I run something personal by you? Of course, dubbie.
You know tyler.
The guy you and ida The one you were supposed to be keeping an eye on but instead wound up having a code 86 with? Yes.
He's so perfect in so many ways.
And everything's going so great Ah, limerence.
That's a funky name for a villain.
That's the scientific term for romantic love.
If you're in it, you'd better enjoy every bit of it because it doesn't last.
I would be enjoying it, if it wasn't for my mutant ability.
Your psychological tests would have shown us any extra-human I don't mean anything like that.
I guess what I mean is, uh, intuition.
Every time I get into a relationship, I can always visualize how it's going to end.
And with tyler, I can't.
It's totally killing me.
You have any idea what that's like? No.
It sounds like something out of one of those hateful independent films.
This is exactly why I stick to westerns.
Why did I think you were gonna be any help? Dubbie, love is simple.
You have it or you don't.
Everything else is either delusion or self-sabotage.
Fragments of moon rock! The candle.
I knew the mo rang a bell.
It has to be he.
The candle, formerly professor lloyd cramden, ph.
D, until he was driven mad by the death of his family in a freak ice rink meltdown and vowed to design a weapon that would subject the entire world to his private pain.
Ida, I need you on the heydar.
We think the candle has returned.
The candle? Formerly professor lloyd cramden? Too late, toaster.
We know the back story.
We haven't seen hide nor hair from him since 1969.
We have reason to believe he's returned.
I need a cross-referenced list of news and information on data platforms relating to any developments that might pertain to the name, technologies or known associates of the candle.
What's with the space age bachelor pad music? Ida, did you just disobey a direct order? Ida! What's happening? I guess this is as good a time as any to ask.
Where's that door lead to? Among other things, the middleman's cryogenics vault.
Cryogenics? He ordered me to do this.
He told me to unfreeze him if the candle ever reared his ugly head again.
who? Wendy watson, boss, allow me to present, all the way from 1969 You can call me the middleman.
Someone has exactly five seconds to tell me what's going on before I call the sexual harassment hotline.
- How long have I been under? - Forty years.
This is amazing.
I always knew 02stk had the technology to cryogenically freeze middlemen O2stk? Organization too secret to know.
It's our little joke.
Like you and I had.
Wthwwf.
Whoever the heck we work for? Whatever they're called, they can make us into middlesicles when they feel like it? I did this to myself, sticks.
With the order that ida thawed me whenever my arch-nemesis, the candle, emerged from hiding.
Wow.
This is an honor.
You must be the new model.
Take that, would you? - Boss? - yes? Sorry.
Old habit.
Perhaps we should call our new friend by the year he was frozen.
Sixty-nine.
I have your uniform freshly pressed And waiting for you.
You're an angel, ida.
Well, like the man said, lead, follow, or get out of the way.
I knew the candle faked his death.
It was the only way he could shake my tail.
Sheer elegance in its simplicity? - Bad guys still saying that? - Like a broken record.
If the candle has come back, you can bet he's shopping around for a supply of balthorium-g, but he isn't counting on me, his original adversary.
Still young and burning for the fight.
What's balthorium-g? Balthorium-g is the fuel he uses to power his melting ray.
- Aw, phooey.
- Phooey? What is that? It's a polite way of saying.
Oh.
Since when are we polite? Ah.
My old uniform.
I've always said the clothes make the man.
Or woman.
He's looking at me all pervy, isn't he? Of course not.
I can feel it.
Actually, I am.
I bet you've got spectacular stems.
I'm wondering why you don't show them off.
We should discuss strategy.
Three steps ahead.
We take out an ad in thethrifty nickel under the name "harry lime.
" when the candle reads that I'v egot balthorium-g for sale, he'll have no choice but to answer.
You think an elite super-villain reads thethrifty nickel? The supermarket classified newsletter? You fear men won't take you seriously, that's why you hide that shapely body under that muu-muu.
I hide my ass-kicking, sensei ping trained body because this is the required uniform.
Is that what you told her? What kind of nancy boy makes a hot, spicy spanish girl hide her stuff in a sack? I can pick my own uniform? You bet your sweet brioni.
It's too early to rule out a copycat.
This might not be the candle.
I'll have ida run a scan for the balthorium-g.
The candle always talked to his fences in code through thethrifty nickel.
A lot of things are different now.
Please.
I'm not some comical throwback to the summer of love.
I know my way around.
All sorts of new technologies that you may not be Like what, the heydar? I had one.
- Well, the internet, e- mail - Had it! - Cell phones? - Had to retire them.
Brain cancer thing.
Trust me, nellie, old cats never change their stripes.
It's gonna be thethrifty nickel.
I don't have to wear this coat? You can wear whatever you like, schatzi - Fresh.
- Thank you.
Ida, how is it that I've been frozen for 40 years, but you haven't aged a day? Oh, stop, ya old flirt.
- Ida, get on the heydar.
- Ida, get on the horn to Sorry.
He was my boss first.
So, what's it gonna be, hot stuff? The thrifty nickel.
Oh, and I'm gonna need a bottle of hai karate, as well.
there can be only one middleman.
You may want to make yourself scarce.
The lions have some pride business to work out among themselves.
I can pick my own uniform? Tyler? Hey.
Lacey let me in.
But don't worry.
I only spent the first ten minutes rifling through your underwear drawer.
And now I'm testing your oven.
We have an oven? It's the metal box where you store the extra paint.
I thought you'd appreciate coming home to an anchovy pizza with a side of ranch.
That's my favorite.
You mentioned it during the story about your botchedquinceañera.
Of course, I didn't expect you home so soon.
Am I the only one getting the awkward vibe? No, there's an awkward vibe.
Hey, look, sex is one thing, but cooking? If it's too soon, I get it.
No, that's not what I mean.
- I just - Oh, no.
You know about me.
You read it on the web or heard it at one of the clubs.
Just come out and say it, dreams of monica.
Dreams of monica? The neo-hippy jam band hit? The number one song? That's not what this is about? I assumed you googled me.
No, I didn't.
But I'm totally gonna.
Oh, brother.
Uh I was the lead guitarist in casanova charlie.
Awesome.
Wait.
Shouldn't you be richer? And less groomed.
And on valtrex.
Should i? I should be lots of things.
But I left the band after monica, my monogamous and herpie-free girlfriend, and I broke up.
"i only have dreams of monica she's the night I long for she's the light I see i'm working on a second verse.
monica left me for that d-bag bass player and I walked away from the band before they hit it big - it's catchy.
- Yeah.
Whoever I go out with, they eventually find out and I just become tyler the not-a-rock-star, and when the novelty wears off, I'm just tyler, the-martyr who-gave-it-all-up- To-take-the-moral-high-road.
You know what? The more I get to know you, the less I want to know how it ends.
What does that mean? I don't see anything in the middlelore that explains how the candle went about acquiring his balthorium-g.
- Jaguar.
- Like the feral cat? The brazilian fashion model I was "entertaing" instead of updating the middlelore.
The candle will come to us.
Relax.
I got your hai karate and a fifth of fleming's commander jamaica rum.
Ida, please run the search I've been requesting for the past two hours.
Right after you mix me up a cuba libre.
Fine.
I'll do it myself.
If only to prove no evil was ever thwarted by lounging on a pelt and sipping moonshine.
Talk to me.
Why, yes, this is harry lime, and I am looking to unload some balthorium-g.
Don't be stingy on the sauce, ida.
You don't really think the candle's gonna fall for this lame sting, do you? A stakeout can be a valuable bonding exercise and this is an excellent opportunity to Fire and brimstone! We do not smoke in the middlemobile.
Why not? Is there something combustible in here? Only my temper when I see a man willingly invite cancer into his body.
Cancer? Everyone knows the surgeon general is a red dupe.
I bet wendy would enjoy a cigarette.
She's a girl who knows how to get crazy.
Oh, did you have another code 86? It ain't a code 86 if you don't activate the protocol.
This was more like a hot night at the boom-boom burlesque.
- Oh, lord! - Don't be square, baby.
Studies show women have a boost in intelligence after the physical act of love.
What this group needs are stakeout treats.
Pick me up some jelly babies while you're out there, hazel.
So, who is the lucky stallion? The only guy I'm thinking about is the candle.
He's not here yet.
- You don't know that.
- Oh, yes I do.
I can sense him.
An arch-nemesis isn't just an adversary.
He's the ying to your yang.
Yes, that's buddhism, sweet pea.
And I've learned to anticipate his every ying.
I can tell your boss isn't really the type to have these sorts of chats with you, bu I'm just gonna lay it down straight.
Have all the fun you want with your guy but cast him aside before you fall in love.
- You don't believe in love? - Of course I believe in love.
That's what we fight for.
So the world can love.
Unfortunately, we're not the world.
I've seen it before.
Everyone starts this job the same way.
Wide-eyed idealists thinking they can have it all.
Save the day and get the girl.
But it always ends the same way.
How does it always end? With the love of your life eviscerated by some super-genius in a cape and a body sock.
That happened to you? That's how it ended with my first wife.
And the third and fourth.
What about the second? She left me for a super-villain.
- That sucks.
- Yeah.
You sweat the satin, share some laughs, then she gets her face melted off by some ray gun wielding beatnik.
The candle! I'm gonna ask you one question.
You have three chances to answer.
Where is the candle? I told you.
The candle's dead.
That's one.
Here's your second shot.
Where is the candle? There's, like, a hundred people who can verify it.
His funeral was packed with friends and family.
His granddaughter read a poem she wrote.
Ask her.
Or his priest.
A super-villain with a priest? To me he was just kindly Mr.
Mccandle, the cardigan-wearing old guy from the neighborhood.
My dad died when I was little.
The candle killed him? No.
Cancer.
He was a smoker.
Mom need help around the house, and he was really handy.
Sometimes while he was fixing the garbage disposal or whatever he'd tell me stories about how he was a super-villain before he found jesus.
I thought he was kidding.
But this weird thing happened.
He melted your house? He gave me a letter.
He told me not to read it until he was dead.
After the funeral, I read it, and he told me how I could find his melting ray, and how to use thethrifty nickel to find balthorium-g.
He wanted you to continue his work? Wanted me to donate it to science, see if they could find out how to use it for good.
Come on, a guy leaves you a melting ray, you're not gonna steal some things? The whole thing is just Sheer elegance in its simplicity.
Listen up, you damned, dirty hippie.
This is your last chance.
Put him down! I'll put him down, all right! What the hell is that? The thing that's gonna bash in your commie flower-child head if you don't tell me where the candle is! - Like I said, he's dead.
- Liar! Enough.
No.
He sings or he picks up his own teeth with broken fingers.
We need to speak outside.
Don't you know how to conduct an interrogation? Who you save the world from? Kittens? It's over.
He's lying but you're too much of a little girl to see it! You served this organization with pride and honor.
And I thank you for your service.
What is that? The chance to retire with dignity.
Step aside.
You're out of line.
Middleman only uses violence When the fate of the world is at stake.
Yeah! You got the first one for free.
Sorry, sugar buns.
There can only be one middleman and he's it.
This middleman, this sword of the people, rest in the fond sheath of retirement Sharp as the justice he did once and will forever champion.
Pugnantes malos ne hos pugnetis and now, a passage from my poem, the unbroken chain.
Why don't we just skip it? Very well.
We'll proceed with the watch presentation.
Interrodroid? Take it in, honey.
This too can someday be all yours.
Our issues aside, a middleman who makes it to retirement is breathing rarefied air.
I admire you.
You entered a middleman, you leave a civilian.
For the record, please state your name.
My name is guy goddard.
Choke on it.
Hello, lacey.
Hi Strange but alluring man with broad shoulders who inexplicably knows my name.
Can I help you? Why, yes.
You can help by offering the name of the scent gracing that milky white skin of yours.
Turpentine, papier mché, fake blood and hot glue.
I'll just call it heaven.
Guy goddard.
My friends call me "god.
" lacey thornfield.
But, yet, you already inexplicably know that.
Not so inexplicable.
I work with your roommate.
Guy? What are you doing here? At present, i'm looking for some hooch.
Hey! You stay away from my roommate.
I meant a drink.
Oh.
Fatboy's farm apple wine.
Swanky.
To snuffing out the candle.
Guy.
You gotta give it up.
Really? Because after that sham ceremony, I hit the whisper stream hard.
I got results, and I got a plan.
Does your plan involve realizing that the candle's dead? Think I'm gonna spend the rest of my days like an unfrozen caveman, marvelling at your brave new world of drive-through coffee and online porn? This situation stinks, dollface.
A million dollars in jewels were taken and that kid can't account for them.
He said he gave them to a fence.
Sure he did, but pour this into your jigger.
There's a huge amount of money floating out there.
Now add a splash of this.
Lord jeremiah purcell, the eurotrash arms merchant, just brought 4,000 angstroms of balthorium-g into the country.
Finally, add this pickled onion.
It takes one angstrom to wipe out an entire city.
The perfect gimlet of melt-ageddon.
Not if we sneak into lord jeremiah purcell's vault and place a tracker in the vessel holding the balthorium-g.
If I'm right, we catch the candle red-handed.
I'm wrong, and the candle is dead, no one will be the wiser.
Maybe you are right, but I can't just go behind the middleman's back.
Your boss thinks i'm a loose cannon.
He won't believe a word I have to say.
And while he dithers, 4,000 city-melting angstroms of balthorium-g are going to be out there in the open.
Wendy, being a middleman in traing is about more than just replacing us should we die.
It's keeping us honest, making us see the other angle.
How do we sneak in? Tonight, lord jeremiah purcell is hosting a nefarious bunch of scoundrels and ne'er-do-wells for a game of cards.
Cards? Great.
I'm in.
Not so fast.
Have you ever played shibumi? It's a wicked, soulless game.
Each player is dealt a full deck of cards.
Every card has its own name.
There's 589 unique physical and verbal challenges to every hand and if anyone shows the slightest ignorance of the game's byzantine rules, they are decapitated by lord jeremiah purcell's manservant, the speechless, thoughtless brute, govinda.
I killed an 86th level bloodlust catamite on gut wrencher 1.
I think I can handle your little card game.
Deal.
Now, you're gonna have to learn two things in the next 15 minutes, how to play shibumi and how to dress like a real woman.
This is how a real woman dresses? I don't make the rules, twiggy, I'm just The middleman.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our game.
I'd like to introduce our newest player, the american gambler harry rule and his dissolute lover, the contessa caroline di contini.
??? anatol gogol, also known as the monocle, count manzeppi, the scot, and, of course, the icy vilma schnipp.
I, lord jeremiah purcell, will call the game, and as always my manservant, the speechless, thoughtless brute govinda will keep the players honest.
Mr.
Rule, every player has brought a rare and priceless artifact as their stake.
What have you brought to our table? The missing 18 and a half minutes.
Weren't you a popsicle in '72? Time travel.
I spent five days in the 70's back in '66.
Dealers! The cards! Your play, Mr.
Rule.
No pressure.
the official schematics for the lunar landing soundstage.
Read 'em and weep.
Fifty-two of a kind! If you'll excuse me, i'll run off to the little boys' room and the lady will take over my hand.
Welcome to the game, countess.
Tuts beat slims, cats beat tuts.
Double rainbow.
Brava.
Two mannequins.
Three mannequins.
Four mannequins? No mannequins.
No way, no how.
She's called your bluff, miss schnipp, and that means a siege! Anatol gogol takes the siege.
A glue stick? A cheat among us! Govinda! Now! No one dies on my watch.
Seize her! Dubbie, duck! - Thanks.
- Don't mention it.
- How did you know - Been watching out for you all along.
I'd be a cruddy middleman if I didn't assume guy would come at you with some proposal.
Guys like guy, they never quit.
Now, where is he? Ripley's believe it or not! guy! He melted my hand.
The candle? He really is alive? - And the balthorium-g? - Oh, he took it all.
Four thousand angstroms before I could put the tracer in.
Yeah, he, uh, said he was gonna melt the moon.
Oh, phooey.
Yeah.
Phooey.
Hold still, E woobie.
Pan down the puppy dog eyes, ida.
This isn't the hand that rocks the cradle, if you know what I mean.
Don't get fresh with me, pony boy, I might actually have to take you up on something.
Guy.
I owe you an apology.
I take back what I said.
I wish I could take back what happened.
We're soldiers.
We knew the risks.
I should have known that being a middleman isn't something you turn off.
Don't let's start liplocking just yet.
People.
Me losing a meathook 'cause I couldn't stop scratching the itch is a drag, so let's talk about something more interesting.
The candle is out there, and I know exactly where he's taking that balthorium-g.
Snake island.
What is that, near dead man's bluff? Right below the devil's throat.
I'm glad to see you've done your homework.
I was just being snarky.
October of '69, right before the candle vanished, rumor had it he was building the world's largest melting ray.
I'm betting aardvarks-to-asses that he's loading up that moon-melting weapon with the 4,000 angstroms of balthorium-g from lord jeremiah purcell's nefarious mansion.
Not if we destroy that melting ray.
ida? Use the heydar to scan the pacific ocean and look for snake island, alleged home of the candle.
Roger that.
Guys, I hate to rain on anyone's parade, but the middlejet only has room for one, so am I on secret island lair strafing duty or what? Chickie baby's never been to a supervillain island lair has she? Sweetie, when a bad man builds a home for his world-destroying ray, the first things he buys Automated missile defense package.
Barrier mines.
Android guards to protect the island after the supervillain has died.
And a lot of scandinavian furniture.
How do we get to the candle's lair? Maybe scotty can beam us down.
It's an obscure reference to a canceled television show.
I'm sure you've never heard of it.
Actually, I do have a plan.
The dsv-4600 middlesub.
The 4600.
We haven't really used that in quite a while.
Better take it out of mothballs.
Only its asbestos will deflect the island's defense system.
Right.
Then it's settled.
We're off to snake island.
In the cancer sub? - Hey.
- Hey, tyler.
I'm about to knock on your door.
Can you hear that? Oh man, now I feel even worse than before.
You're not home, are you? I'm so sorry.
And the tone of your "i'm sorry" leads me to believe you're not gonna be here any time soon.
Noser has a key.
You could let yourself in and cook me another meal and leave it in the fridge.
Don't tempt me.
My gazpacho refrigerates like a snow-nado.
- A tornado made of snow? - You know it.
Why are you being so cool? Because I love that you have a job you love and are good at.
You do what you have to do and when you get back, i'll still be around.
Really? Wendy.
Maybe tomorrow you'll leave me for some d-bag bass player or maybe we'll wake up 70 years from now on the front porch of some florida old folks community rubbing vicks on each other.
Tempting! What I'm saying is, i'm in this, and I'd be a pretty cruddy guy if all it took to get me out of it was a late night at work.
- I'll talk to you soon.
- Later.
Don't worry, I'll get you back home in one piece.
Must be difficult for you, having original recipe around, taking control.
He's hardly original anything.
He's one in a long line.
As am i.
Doing our job.
Our job means he's wearing a hook the rest of his life.
Why does he do it? Why do you? Seriously.
You can't retire happily, you can't love Can't love? Halls of montezuma, dubbie! Who told you that? He did.
And you took his word for it? He said it was impossible.
Love isn't an impossibility for us.
It's an impossibility for him.
Then why aren't you with anyone? My choices are my own.
And make no mistake.
I've loved and been loved.
If true love shows up at your doorstep, and you drive it away, that's on you, not the job or anything else.
This place looks deserted.
Don't be fooled.
The candle's melting ray could be anywhere and ready to fire at any minute.
I have a question.
Why are you guys in wetsuits, and I'm in this honey ryder thunderball nightmare? Honey ryder's from doctor no.
Ah, you make me sick.
Scandinavian furniture.
There are three exits out of this chamber.
We'd better split up.
Earthquake? I believe that's a third stagebalthorium-g electromechanical turbine going though its initiation sequence.
We better hurry.
You take that corridor.
I'll take this one.
That one's yours, sweet thing.
I'll call when I find the ray gun.
Shores of tripoli! - The melting ray, that's the sound of - I know.
But it's too late, we have to go back.
Too late for what? I'm sorry.
Your middleman, he's dead.
This was a trap.
The candle melted your boss, now he's melting the island.
We go back.
- He can't be.
- But he is.
We can't just leave him here.
The candle melted him! I'm going down there.
I have to see for myself.
Sorry, toots.
But the only thing more dangerous than an attractive woman is an intelligent woman.
- You killed him.
- No.
It wasn't me.
The candle's weapon, that's what did him in.
The candle? There's no guards here, there's no henchmen.
You couldn't stand being put out to pasture so you lured us here, figured you could use your old arch-enemy's weapon to make it look like an ambush.
There is no candle.
This is your plan.
I did what I had to do.
You stole the 4,000 angstroms of balthorium-g - You melted your own hand.
- There can only be one middleman.
You thought you could replace him as a hero and have me as your sidekick? My plan is Sheer elegance in its simplicity.
That's right, guy, the bad guys are still saying that.
No.
I'm not the bad guy.
We can't both do the job.
This is the only way.
Why don't you finish what you started and shoot me? You'll never be the man he was.
You're not the middleman.
You're the candle, a coward who kills people with his melting ray.
My god.
What have I done? Don't make a move! There's still a chance to save him, I swear.
Wendy! You have to shut off the melting ray! - You can't.
- Why not? I defeated the candle so many times by shutting down his melting ray in the last minute, that he built this model without an off switch.
Once you turn it on there's no going back! What are you doing? Don't worry.
My plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity.
There's something I need to do very badly.
What's that, dubbie? Snake island will always be remembered as the field where the candle and the middleman had their ultimate confrontation.
I can't think of a more fitting memorial.
Is that gonna be the official story? I think so.
I thought middlemen told the truth and nothing but the truth.
I am telling the truth.
It's only the facts I'm changing.
I know I'll never be as much fun as he was, ida.
Yeah.
He was snappy dresser too.
He did know how to dress well.
Unlike, say, uh Crack wise all you want about my eisenhower jacket, dubbie, but ??? it's named after a man who led soldiers through harsh times against the darkest of evils.
This jacket says something about About me, the man I choose to be.
So what does this uniform say about me, other than you're my boss? If you feel you need to make a change, then make a change.
- But make it count.
- Really? I think you've earned it.
This gazpacho is amazing.
Well, you know, making great soup is like my mutant power.
That's your mutant power? That, and I can set fires with my mind.
Why? What's your mutant power? You know what, tyler ford? I don't think I have one.
Is everything? Yeah, but can you just hold on for one Ok, where were we? Like the watch is the only surveillance we have.
Really, ida
Do you love it? The batter of the bulge pancake house? Well, in the pantheon of places i'd like to be taken by a gentleman caller You don't find the promise of luftwaffles and panzer cakes irresistible? While I do admire the culinary genius who thought to forge the human drama of the allied struggle against nazi germany with the goodness of all day breakfast I didn't bring you here for the pancakes, dubs.
You didn't? I may be a starving musician, but give me a little more credit.
Well, thank god, because, technically this is our third date, and while things have been known to happen on third dates, the batter of the bulge pancake house isn't exactly a deal maker.
Though the thought of "things happening" has occasionally occurred to me since we met, it's not why I brought you to this bunker of maple syrup and mortar fire.
Hold these, if you please.
- Why am I standing up? - Step this way, please.
But I was just about to order a cruller named after the invasion of crete! Just a couple more steps, porsche dubster.
What's with the quarters? All your questions will be answered right now.
Sweet mother of nolan bushnell.
- It's gut wrencher 1.
- It's gut wrencher 1! The goriest side-scroller in history, banned in 17 countries, the only arcade game ever to be denounced by both tipper gore and the dalai lama.
They only made 150 of these before it all went set-top.
But only the coin-op edition has the additional four levels of sheer carnage that the home edition did not have.
This is my favorite.
How did you know? Because you're made of awesome.
Oh, my god, tyler, I Don't get all mushy on me, princess.
I came to play.
Come on, shoot him! He's at 60 percent! Keep him off me, I gotta get the scud missile.
Come on! He just chopped off my leg! I'm going as fast as I can.
Oh, he took my other leg! That's it, tyler ford shall smite you! All right, I got this one, fordo.
wow.
We just destroyed the th level bloodlust catamite.
Yeah, with a scud missile.
And it only took 18 dollars in quarters to finish the game.
Ida, what the? Quite the minx, isn't she? Story of o! Turn it off! Full surveillance, standard operating procedure whenever a middleman starts a meaningful personal relationship.
Wendy's like a little sister to me.
Sorry, it's in the manual, I gotta do this.
- This is horrifying! - No choice, pal.
Part of the job.
We do not abuse our surveillance privilege like that.
Wimp.
The Middleman Season 01 Ep 09 absolutely not, I totally delivered the killing blow.
If I hadn't shot that scud into its catamite behind, you'd still be at the controls and legless.
I totally warmed him up for you.
Gut wrencher 2 on the emulator tonight? Like you have to ask.
bye.
So things went well at the pancake house? They had a coin-op gut wrencher 1.
Say no more.
I just wish I wasn't having such a difficult time of this.
Sex, waffles and videogames? What am I missing? Can you keep a secret? Have I told anyone about that thing with the blueberry pudding pops and the elliptical machine? It's my mutant power.
Can you make fire with your mind? 'Cause that would explain some things.
No.
Every time I'm in a relationship with someone, I can always see how it's gonna end.
Oh, come on.
That's japanese game show crazy.
It's true.
We've roomed and now you tell me about your mutant ability? With great power comes great responsibility.
What about ben? If you'd known that he would videotape your breakup and put it on the internet I knew it would involve film.
What about tyler? How's that gonna end? That's the problem.
I don't know.
Not only do you have a mutant ability, you have a mutant ability that isn't even working.
And it's freaking me out.
Over the years I've gotten used to knowing that my relationships were doomed and why and it's weirdly comforting.
That makes no sense.
But after three dates and a videogame carnage-inspired hookup, I still have no idea about tyler.
I just don't know what to do.
Proceed, you dolt.
- I knew you wouldn't understand.
- Oh, I understand that you're groping for an emotional escape hatch because of what happened with ben and steve and rodney and tommy tam.
Just keep this to yourself, ok? Hello, ladies.
I need some caffeine action post-haste.
Anvil drank all my coffee again.
Hey, noser.
Wendy thinks she has this ability that tells her when and how all her relationships are going to end.
Lacey! That just sounds to me like a coping mechanism to avoid intimacy.
All right, that's enough.
You've got to stop looking for the emotional rip-cord, dub-dub, or you're gonna find out that your parachute's really a backpack.
What's that even mean? Uh, dubbie Hey.
- "Hey?" - yes, hey.
Uh, there's something you and I need to discuss.
It involves your middlewatch and the real time situation recording archive.
Oh, that thing in my watch that records everything I Oh, my god.
You saw me and tyler! Dubbie, there is watching and there is seeing.
And I did not watch, but I did see.
It was a split second, really.
Of course, part of the training means I can memorize a crime scene with nothing more than a glance.
Aw! Gross! There's something called code 86.
It's a protocol we have in place to shut down the recording archive should a member of the organization require privacy of a personal nature.
Why didn't you tell me before? I didn't think you'd need it this soon.
Can we just talk about something else or solve a crime or something? You're in luck.
Someone just melted a jewelry store downtown.
Melted? Like butter.
Let's go.
I'm Dr.
Alexander scott.
This is my associate, kelly robinson.
We're with the pentagon.
When will you have a name? I'm sorry, ma'am, a name? Of the man who came to my jewelry store, melted the back wall and stole seven figures in precious necklaces.
All I need is a name.
Are you former kgb, by any chance? No.
Can you describe the perpetrator? Looked like andy warhol.
Long black overcoat, wayfarer sunglasses, thick red scarf and store-melting ray gun.
You give us a name, we pay you handsomely.
Are you sure you aren't former kgb? Positive.
What kind of wing-nut are we talking about? The kind who could kill millions, take down cities, countries and even puppy dogs and playgrounds and one whose mo seems strangely, uncannily familiar to me.
Strangely, uncannily familiar? Dubbie, this calls for swift and decisive action.
It's a good thing we're taking swift and decisive action.
No really, this is a level of ass-kickery I've never experienced before.
In the immortal words of bertolt brecht, "hungry man, reach for a book.
It is a weapon!" brecht was a communist.
Dubbie, you are looking at the middlelore.
Every foe the middlemen have faced over the centuries is recorded and stored here.
Ah! Here's an oldie the domino.
You had a cuban supervillain? Lithuanian.
Tried to create a domino effect to knock down all the buildings in the city.
Check this guy out.
The fabulous face.
He tried to replace everyone in the white house with evil doubles.
And he succeed, though no one seemed to notice at the time.
And here's Dr.
Solaris, who tried to taint the water supply with a boredom toxin.
Which someone seems to have used on you.
Can I run something personal by you? Of course, dubbie.
You know tyler.
The guy you and ida The one you were supposed to be keeping an eye on but instead wound up having a code 86 with? Yes.
He's so perfect in so many ways.
And everything's going so great Ah, limerence.
That's a funky name for a villain.
That's the scientific term for romantic love.
If you're in it, you'd better enjoy every bit of it because it doesn't last.
I would be enjoying it, if it wasn't for my mutant ability.
Your psychological tests would have shown us any extra-human I don't mean anything like that.
I guess what I mean is, uh, intuition.
Every time I get into a relationship, I can always visualize how it's going to end.
And with tyler, I can't.
It's totally killing me.
You have any idea what that's like? No.
It sounds like something out of one of those hateful independent films.
This is exactly why I stick to westerns.
Why did I think you were gonna be any help? Dubbie, love is simple.
You have it or you don't.
Everything else is either delusion or self-sabotage.
Fragments of moon rock! The candle.
I knew the mo rang a bell.
It has to be he.
The candle, formerly professor lloyd cramden, ph.
D, until he was driven mad by the death of his family in a freak ice rink meltdown and vowed to design a weapon that would subject the entire world to his private pain.
Ida, I need you on the heydar.
We think the candle has returned.
The candle? Formerly professor lloyd cramden? Too late, toaster.
We know the back story.
We haven't seen hide nor hair from him since 1969.
We have reason to believe he's returned.
I need a cross-referenced list of news and information on data platforms relating to any developments that might pertain to the name, technologies or known associates of the candle.
What's with the space age bachelor pad music? Ida, did you just disobey a direct order? Ida! What's happening? I guess this is as good a time as any to ask.
Where's that door lead to? Among other things, the middleman's cryogenics vault.
Cryogenics? He ordered me to do this.
He told me to unfreeze him if the candle ever reared his ugly head again.
who? Wendy watson, boss, allow me to present, all the way from 1969 You can call me the middleman.
Someone has exactly five seconds to tell me what's going on before I call the sexual harassment hotline.
- How long have I been under? - Forty years.
This is amazing.
I always knew 02stk had the technology to cryogenically freeze middlemen O2stk? Organization too secret to know.
It's our little joke.
Like you and I had.
Wthwwf.
Whoever the heck we work for? Whatever they're called, they can make us into middlesicles when they feel like it? I did this to myself, sticks.
With the order that ida thawed me whenever my arch-nemesis, the candle, emerged from hiding.
Wow.
This is an honor.
You must be the new model.
Take that, would you? - Boss? - yes? Sorry.
Old habit.
Perhaps we should call our new friend by the year he was frozen.
Sixty-nine.
I have your uniform freshly pressed And waiting for you.
You're an angel, ida.
Well, like the man said, lead, follow, or get out of the way.
I knew the candle faked his death.
It was the only way he could shake my tail.
Sheer elegance in its simplicity? - Bad guys still saying that? - Like a broken record.
If the candle has come back, you can bet he's shopping around for a supply of balthorium-g, but he isn't counting on me, his original adversary.
Still young and burning for the fight.
What's balthorium-g? Balthorium-g is the fuel he uses to power his melting ray.
- Aw, phooey.
- Phooey? What is that? It's a polite way of saying.
Oh.
Since when are we polite? Ah.
My old uniform.
I've always said the clothes make the man.
Or woman.
He's looking at me all pervy, isn't he? Of course not.
I can feel it.
Actually, I am.
I bet you've got spectacular stems.
I'm wondering why you don't show them off.
We should discuss strategy.
Three steps ahead.
We take out an ad in thethrifty nickel under the name "harry lime.
" when the candle reads that I'v egot balthorium-g for sale, he'll have no choice but to answer.
You think an elite super-villain reads thethrifty nickel? The supermarket classified newsletter? You fear men won't take you seriously, that's why you hide that shapely body under that muu-muu.
I hide my ass-kicking, sensei ping trained body because this is the required uniform.
Is that what you told her? What kind of nancy boy makes a hot, spicy spanish girl hide her stuff in a sack? I can pick my own uniform? You bet your sweet brioni.
It's too early to rule out a copycat.
This might not be the candle.
I'll have ida run a scan for the balthorium-g.
The candle always talked to his fences in code through thethrifty nickel.
A lot of things are different now.
Please.
I'm not some comical throwback to the summer of love.
I know my way around.
All sorts of new technologies that you may not be Like what, the heydar? I had one.
- Well, the internet, e- mail - Had it! - Cell phones? - Had to retire them.
Brain cancer thing.
Trust me, nellie, old cats never change their stripes.
It's gonna be thethrifty nickel.
I don't have to wear this coat? You can wear whatever you like, schatzi - Fresh.
- Thank you.
Ida, how is it that I've been frozen for 40 years, but you haven't aged a day? Oh, stop, ya old flirt.
- Ida, get on the heydar.
- Ida, get on the horn to Sorry.
He was my boss first.
So, what's it gonna be, hot stuff? The thrifty nickel.
Oh, and I'm gonna need a bottle of hai karate, as well.
there can be only one middleman.
You may want to make yourself scarce.
The lions have some pride business to work out among themselves.
I can pick my own uniform? Tyler? Hey.
Lacey let me in.
But don't worry.
I only spent the first ten minutes rifling through your underwear drawer.
And now I'm testing your oven.
We have an oven? It's the metal box where you store the extra paint.
I thought you'd appreciate coming home to an anchovy pizza with a side of ranch.
That's my favorite.
You mentioned it during the story about your botchedquinceañera.
Of course, I didn't expect you home so soon.
Am I the only one getting the awkward vibe? No, there's an awkward vibe.
Hey, look, sex is one thing, but cooking? If it's too soon, I get it.
No, that's not what I mean.
- I just - Oh, no.
You know about me.
You read it on the web or heard it at one of the clubs.
Just come out and say it, dreams of monica.
Dreams of monica? The neo-hippy jam band hit? The number one song? That's not what this is about? I assumed you googled me.
No, I didn't.
But I'm totally gonna.
Oh, brother.
Uh I was the lead guitarist in casanova charlie.
Awesome.
Wait.
Shouldn't you be richer? And less groomed.
And on valtrex.
Should i? I should be lots of things.
But I left the band after monica, my monogamous and herpie-free girlfriend, and I broke up.
"i only have dreams of monica she's the night I long for she's the light I see i'm working on a second verse.
monica left me for that d-bag bass player and I walked away from the band before they hit it big - it's catchy.
- Yeah.
Whoever I go out with, they eventually find out and I just become tyler the not-a-rock-star, and when the novelty wears off, I'm just tyler, the-martyr who-gave-it-all-up- To-take-the-moral-high-road.
You know what? The more I get to know you, the less I want to know how it ends.
What does that mean? I don't see anything in the middlelore that explains how the candle went about acquiring his balthorium-g.
- Jaguar.
- Like the feral cat? The brazilian fashion model I was "entertaing" instead of updating the middlelore.
The candle will come to us.
Relax.
I got your hai karate and a fifth of fleming's commander jamaica rum.
Ida, please run the search I've been requesting for the past two hours.
Right after you mix me up a cuba libre.
Fine.
I'll do it myself.
If only to prove no evil was ever thwarted by lounging on a pelt and sipping moonshine.
Talk to me.
Why, yes, this is harry lime, and I am looking to unload some balthorium-g.
Don't be stingy on the sauce, ida.
You don't really think the candle's gonna fall for this lame sting, do you? A stakeout can be a valuable bonding exercise and this is an excellent opportunity to Fire and brimstone! We do not smoke in the middlemobile.
Why not? Is there something combustible in here? Only my temper when I see a man willingly invite cancer into his body.
Cancer? Everyone knows the surgeon general is a red dupe.
I bet wendy would enjoy a cigarette.
She's a girl who knows how to get crazy.
Oh, did you have another code 86? It ain't a code 86 if you don't activate the protocol.
This was more like a hot night at the boom-boom burlesque.
- Oh, lord! - Don't be square, baby.
Studies show women have a boost in intelligence after the physical act of love.
What this group needs are stakeout treats.
Pick me up some jelly babies while you're out there, hazel.
So, who is the lucky stallion? The only guy I'm thinking about is the candle.
He's not here yet.
- You don't know that.
- Oh, yes I do.
I can sense him.
An arch-nemesis isn't just an adversary.
He's the ying to your yang.
Yes, that's buddhism, sweet pea.
And I've learned to anticipate his every ying.
I can tell your boss isn't really the type to have these sorts of chats with you, bu I'm just gonna lay it down straight.
Have all the fun you want with your guy but cast him aside before you fall in love.
- You don't believe in love? - Of course I believe in love.
That's what we fight for.
So the world can love.
Unfortunately, we're not the world.
I've seen it before.
Everyone starts this job the same way.
Wide-eyed idealists thinking they can have it all.
Save the day and get the girl.
But it always ends the same way.
How does it always end? With the love of your life eviscerated by some super-genius in a cape and a body sock.
That happened to you? That's how it ended with my first wife.
And the third and fourth.
What about the second? She left me for a super-villain.
- That sucks.
- Yeah.
You sweat the satin, share some laughs, then she gets her face melted off by some ray gun wielding beatnik.
The candle! I'm gonna ask you one question.
You have three chances to answer.
Where is the candle? I told you.
The candle's dead.
That's one.
Here's your second shot.
Where is the candle? There's, like, a hundred people who can verify it.
His funeral was packed with friends and family.
His granddaughter read a poem she wrote.
Ask her.
Or his priest.
A super-villain with a priest? To me he was just kindly Mr.
Mccandle, the cardigan-wearing old guy from the neighborhood.
My dad died when I was little.
The candle killed him? No.
Cancer.
He was a smoker.
Mom need help around the house, and he was really handy.
Sometimes while he was fixing the garbage disposal or whatever he'd tell me stories about how he was a super-villain before he found jesus.
I thought he was kidding.
But this weird thing happened.
He melted your house? He gave me a letter.
He told me not to read it until he was dead.
After the funeral, I read it, and he told me how I could find his melting ray, and how to use thethrifty nickel to find balthorium-g.
He wanted you to continue his work? Wanted me to donate it to science, see if they could find out how to use it for good.
Come on, a guy leaves you a melting ray, you're not gonna steal some things? The whole thing is just Sheer elegance in its simplicity.
Listen up, you damned, dirty hippie.
This is your last chance.
Put him down! I'll put him down, all right! What the hell is that? The thing that's gonna bash in your commie flower-child head if you don't tell me where the candle is! - Like I said, he's dead.
- Liar! Enough.
No.
He sings or he picks up his own teeth with broken fingers.
We need to speak outside.
Don't you know how to conduct an interrogation? Who you save the world from? Kittens? It's over.
He's lying but you're too much of a little girl to see it! You served this organization with pride and honor.
And I thank you for your service.
What is that? The chance to retire with dignity.
Step aside.
You're out of line.
Middleman only uses violence When the fate of the world is at stake.
Yeah! You got the first one for free.
Sorry, sugar buns.
There can only be one middleman and he's it.
This middleman, this sword of the people, rest in the fond sheath of retirement Sharp as the justice he did once and will forever champion.
Pugnantes malos ne hos pugnetis and now, a passage from my poem, the unbroken chain.
Why don't we just skip it? Very well.
We'll proceed with the watch presentation.
Interrodroid? Take it in, honey.
This too can someday be all yours.
Our issues aside, a middleman who makes it to retirement is breathing rarefied air.
I admire you.
You entered a middleman, you leave a civilian.
For the record, please state your name.
My name is guy goddard.
Choke on it.
Hello, lacey.
Hi Strange but alluring man with broad shoulders who inexplicably knows my name.
Can I help you? Why, yes.
You can help by offering the name of the scent gracing that milky white skin of yours.
Turpentine, papier mché, fake blood and hot glue.
I'll just call it heaven.
Guy goddard.
My friends call me "god.
" lacey thornfield.
But, yet, you already inexplicably know that.
Not so inexplicable.
I work with your roommate.
Guy? What are you doing here? At present, i'm looking for some hooch.
Hey! You stay away from my roommate.
I meant a drink.
Oh.
Fatboy's farm apple wine.
Swanky.
To snuffing out the candle.
Guy.
You gotta give it up.
Really? Because after that sham ceremony, I hit the whisper stream hard.
I got results, and I got a plan.
Does your plan involve realizing that the candle's dead? Think I'm gonna spend the rest of my days like an unfrozen caveman, marvelling at your brave new world of drive-through coffee and online porn? This situation stinks, dollface.
A million dollars in jewels were taken and that kid can't account for them.
He said he gave them to a fence.
Sure he did, but pour this into your jigger.
There's a huge amount of money floating out there.
Now add a splash of this.
Lord jeremiah purcell, the eurotrash arms merchant, just brought 4,000 angstroms of balthorium-g into the country.
Finally, add this pickled onion.
It takes one angstrom to wipe out an entire city.
The perfect gimlet of melt-ageddon.
Not if we sneak into lord jeremiah purcell's vault and place a tracker in the vessel holding the balthorium-g.
If I'm right, we catch the candle red-handed.
I'm wrong, and the candle is dead, no one will be the wiser.
Maybe you are right, but I can't just go behind the middleman's back.
Your boss thinks i'm a loose cannon.
He won't believe a word I have to say.
And while he dithers, 4,000 city-melting angstroms of balthorium-g are going to be out there in the open.
Wendy, being a middleman in traing is about more than just replacing us should we die.
It's keeping us honest, making us see the other angle.
How do we sneak in? Tonight, lord jeremiah purcell is hosting a nefarious bunch of scoundrels and ne'er-do-wells for a game of cards.
Cards? Great.
I'm in.
Not so fast.
Have you ever played shibumi? It's a wicked, soulless game.
Each player is dealt a full deck of cards.
Every card has its own name.
There's 589 unique physical and verbal challenges to every hand and if anyone shows the slightest ignorance of the game's byzantine rules, they are decapitated by lord jeremiah purcell's manservant, the speechless, thoughtless brute, govinda.
I killed an 86th level bloodlust catamite on gut wrencher 1.
I think I can handle your little card game.
Deal.
Now, you're gonna have to learn two things in the next 15 minutes, how to play shibumi and how to dress like a real woman.
This is how a real woman dresses? I don't make the rules, twiggy, I'm just The middleman.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our game.
I'd like to introduce our newest player, the american gambler harry rule and his dissolute lover, the contessa caroline di contini.
??? anatol gogol, also known as the monocle, count manzeppi, the scot, and, of course, the icy vilma schnipp.
I, lord jeremiah purcell, will call the game, and as always my manservant, the speechless, thoughtless brute govinda will keep the players honest.
Mr.
Rule, every player has brought a rare and priceless artifact as their stake.
What have you brought to our table? The missing 18 and a half minutes.
Weren't you a popsicle in '72? Time travel.
I spent five days in the 70's back in '66.
Dealers! The cards! Your play, Mr.
Rule.
No pressure.
the official schematics for the lunar landing soundstage.
Read 'em and weep.
Fifty-two of a kind! If you'll excuse me, i'll run off to the little boys' room and the lady will take over my hand.
Welcome to the game, countess.
Tuts beat slims, cats beat tuts.
Double rainbow.
Brava.
Two mannequins.
Three mannequins.
Four mannequins? No mannequins.
No way, no how.
She's called your bluff, miss schnipp, and that means a siege! Anatol gogol takes the siege.
A glue stick? A cheat among us! Govinda! Now! No one dies on my watch.
Seize her! Dubbie, duck! - Thanks.
- Don't mention it.
- How did you know - Been watching out for you all along.
I'd be a cruddy middleman if I didn't assume guy would come at you with some proposal.
Guys like guy, they never quit.
Now, where is he? Ripley's believe it or not! guy! He melted my hand.
The candle? He really is alive? - And the balthorium-g? - Oh, he took it all.
Four thousand angstroms before I could put the tracer in.
Yeah, he, uh, said he was gonna melt the moon.
Oh, phooey.
Yeah.
Phooey.
Hold still, E woobie.
Pan down the puppy dog eyes, ida.
This isn't the hand that rocks the cradle, if you know what I mean.
Don't get fresh with me, pony boy, I might actually have to take you up on something.
Guy.
I owe you an apology.
I take back what I said.
I wish I could take back what happened.
We're soldiers.
We knew the risks.
I should have known that being a middleman isn't something you turn off.
Don't let's start liplocking just yet.
People.
Me losing a meathook 'cause I couldn't stop scratching the itch is a drag, so let's talk about something more interesting.
The candle is out there, and I know exactly where he's taking that balthorium-g.
Snake island.
What is that, near dead man's bluff? Right below the devil's throat.
I'm glad to see you've done your homework.
I was just being snarky.
October of '69, right before the candle vanished, rumor had it he was building the world's largest melting ray.
I'm betting aardvarks-to-asses that he's loading up that moon-melting weapon with the 4,000 angstroms of balthorium-g from lord jeremiah purcell's nefarious mansion.
Not if we destroy that melting ray.
ida? Use the heydar to scan the pacific ocean and look for snake island, alleged home of the candle.
Roger that.
Guys, I hate to rain on anyone's parade, but the middlejet only has room for one, so am I on secret island lair strafing duty or what? Chickie baby's never been to a supervillain island lair has she? Sweetie, when a bad man builds a home for his world-destroying ray, the first things he buys Automated missile defense package.
Barrier mines.
Android guards to protect the island after the supervillain has died.
And a lot of scandinavian furniture.
How do we get to the candle's lair? Maybe scotty can beam us down.
It's an obscure reference to a canceled television show.
I'm sure you've never heard of it.
Actually, I do have a plan.
The dsv-4600 middlesub.
The 4600.
We haven't really used that in quite a while.
Better take it out of mothballs.
Only its asbestos will deflect the island's defense system.
Right.
Then it's settled.
We're off to snake island.
In the cancer sub? - Hey.
- Hey, tyler.
I'm about to knock on your door.
Can you hear that? Oh man, now I feel even worse than before.
You're not home, are you? I'm so sorry.
And the tone of your "i'm sorry" leads me to believe you're not gonna be here any time soon.
Noser has a key.
You could let yourself in and cook me another meal and leave it in the fridge.
Don't tempt me.
My gazpacho refrigerates like a snow-nado.
- A tornado made of snow? - You know it.
Why are you being so cool? Because I love that you have a job you love and are good at.
You do what you have to do and when you get back, i'll still be around.
Really? Wendy.
Maybe tomorrow you'll leave me for some d-bag bass player or maybe we'll wake up 70 years from now on the front porch of some florida old folks community rubbing vicks on each other.
Tempting! What I'm saying is, i'm in this, and I'd be a pretty cruddy guy if all it took to get me out of it was a late night at work.
- I'll talk to you soon.
- Later.
Don't worry, I'll get you back home in one piece.
Must be difficult for you, having original recipe around, taking control.
He's hardly original anything.
He's one in a long line.
As am i.
Doing our job.
Our job means he's wearing a hook the rest of his life.
Why does he do it? Why do you? Seriously.
You can't retire happily, you can't love Can't love? Halls of montezuma, dubbie! Who told you that? He did.
And you took his word for it? He said it was impossible.
Love isn't an impossibility for us.
It's an impossibility for him.
Then why aren't you with anyone? My choices are my own.
And make no mistake.
I've loved and been loved.
If true love shows up at your doorstep, and you drive it away, that's on you, not the job or anything else.
This place looks deserted.
Don't be fooled.
The candle's melting ray could be anywhere and ready to fire at any minute.
I have a question.
Why are you guys in wetsuits, and I'm in this honey ryder thunderball nightmare? Honey ryder's from doctor no.
Ah, you make me sick.
Scandinavian furniture.
There are three exits out of this chamber.
We'd better split up.
Earthquake? I believe that's a third stagebalthorium-g electromechanical turbine going though its initiation sequence.
We better hurry.
You take that corridor.
I'll take this one.
That one's yours, sweet thing.
I'll call when I find the ray gun.
Shores of tripoli! - The melting ray, that's the sound of - I know.
But it's too late, we have to go back.
Too late for what? I'm sorry.
Your middleman, he's dead.
This was a trap.
The candle melted your boss, now he's melting the island.
We go back.
- He can't be.
- But he is.
We can't just leave him here.
The candle melted him! I'm going down there.
I have to see for myself.
Sorry, toots.
But the only thing more dangerous than an attractive woman is an intelligent woman.
- You killed him.
- No.
It wasn't me.
The candle's weapon, that's what did him in.
The candle? There's no guards here, there's no henchmen.
You couldn't stand being put out to pasture so you lured us here, figured you could use your old arch-enemy's weapon to make it look like an ambush.
There is no candle.
This is your plan.
I did what I had to do.
You stole the 4,000 angstroms of balthorium-g - You melted your own hand.
- There can only be one middleman.
You thought you could replace him as a hero and have me as your sidekick? My plan is Sheer elegance in its simplicity.
That's right, guy, the bad guys are still saying that.
No.
I'm not the bad guy.
We can't both do the job.
This is the only way.
Why don't you finish what you started and shoot me? You'll never be the man he was.
You're not the middleman.
You're the candle, a coward who kills people with his melting ray.
My god.
What have I done? Don't make a move! There's still a chance to save him, I swear.
Wendy! You have to shut off the melting ray! - You can't.
- Why not? I defeated the candle so many times by shutting down his melting ray in the last minute, that he built this model without an off switch.
Once you turn it on there's no going back! What are you doing? Don't worry.
My plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity.
There's something I need to do very badly.
What's that, dubbie? Snake island will always be remembered as the field where the candle and the middleman had their ultimate confrontation.
I can't think of a more fitting memorial.
Is that gonna be the official story? I think so.
I thought middlemen told the truth and nothing but the truth.
I am telling the truth.
It's only the facts I'm changing.
I know I'll never be as much fun as he was, ida.
Yeah.
He was snappy dresser too.
He did know how to dress well.
Unlike, say, uh Crack wise all you want about my eisenhower jacket, dubbie, but ??? it's named after a man who led soldiers through harsh times against the darkest of evils.
This jacket says something about About me, the man I choose to be.
So what does this uniform say about me, other than you're my boss? If you feel you need to make a change, then make a change.
- But make it count.
- Really? I think you've earned it.
This gazpacho is amazing.
Well, you know, making great soup is like my mutant power.
That's your mutant power? That, and I can set fires with my mind.
Why? What's your mutant power? You know what, tyler ford? I don't think I have one.
Is everything? Yeah, but can you just hold on for one Ok, where were we? Like the watch is the only surveillance we have.
Really, ida