The Muppets (2015) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Seriously, Miss Piggy, you can't have a bottle of Piggy Water sitting on your desk during the show.
- It's an unpaid advertisement.
- I'm trying to get it off the ground, Kermit.
It's such a great product.
When you open it up, it has lipstick on the rim as if I took a sip of your water.
Despite the fact that people love drinking from a used bottle, you cannot promote it on the air.
But I need this.
I lost a lot of money on my shower gel.
It's still a mystery to me why nobody bought "Hogwash.
" - Hmm.
- Yeah.
"30 grams of fat?" It's water.
And we're back with Joseph Gordon-Levitt! Now, I understand you started out as a child-actor.
- Mm-hmm.
- Why'd you give that up? Uh well, I got older.
What, are you crazy?! Don't admit that on TV! Uh, are we gonna sing or what? Oh, if you can keep up with me, old man.
Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars In other words, hold my hand In other words, darling, kiss me And cue the moon.
- Fill my heart with song - Where's the moon? Uh, Sweetums, lower the moon.
Uh, something's wrong.
He can't hear me.
- I need the moon.
Go go find Sweetums.
- O-okay, I'm on it.
- Hello? - You are all I long for, All I worship and adore Sweetums! - Oh-oh? - Oh, hey, Gonzo.
Sweetums, you missed your cue to lower the moon! Well, I sneezed, and my headset broke.
Ah-ah-choo! Aah! Whoa! - Gonzo! Uh, hang on! - Oh! Fly me to the moon, let me play among the Stars Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars Sweetums, Gonzo, what are you doing? Oh, my gosh! Gonzo, look out! Oh, no.
Ohh.
If I could only get this - Ah! - Careful! Fill my heart with song Whoa, whoa, whoa! You are all I long for, all I worship and adore - Gonzo, what are you doing? - Aah! Look out! Please be true Aah! Ah.
Hot, hot, hot! Aah.
Aah.
- Oh, no! - Ohh! - Oh, oh, oh, oh oh! - Gonzo! Gonzo, are you alive? Gonzo! That was awesome! Ooh! Yeah! Unh! Hmm.
Time to get things started.
Ha ha ha! - How could you screw up my song like that? - Hmm? You are on my list! Aaaah-choo! Same goes for you, too! No! Oh, you can get on my list by breathing loud, showing weakness, eating BLTs with the "B", or ruining my song.
How do you get off my list? Buy some Piggy Water! Ah.
It's buttery good.
I was right there standing next to Gonzo when he was yanked up in the air! It could have been me! I could have died! Why was I spared? What is my purpose? Well, based on that story, it is not telling stories.
Yeah, remember, Scooter man, it's poker night on the stage, so bring a big wad of bills.
Si, si, it is emasculating to cash one of your checks with the kittens on it.
Yes, Scooter's a lot of fun to play poker with, okay? - Oh, he's pretty easy to read, too.
- Si, si.
When he has a good hand, he mumbles things like, um "Jeepers, this is golly swell.
" Yeah.
"Oh, no.
This can't be good.
" "Don't blow this, Scooter.
" "Oh, look.
I got all clovers.
" Look, I can't play poker.
- This was a wake-up call.
- Well And not the usual kind where Mom comes in and plays a James Taylor tune until I gently stir awake.
Sorry, guys.
I got to go think about how I've been living my life.
But you can't just Oh, we need another schnook to fleece.
- What's a "schnooktofleece?" - A patsy to swindle.
- Patsytoswindle? - Guy to rob.
Guytorob? Does anyone speak English around here? - Hey, yo.
- Thank you for coming, Joey.
Oh, my pleasure.
I've always wanted to learn how to play poker.
Yeah, and I've always wanted to teach people how to play poker Ah, specifically rich people who don't know how to play poker.
All right, who's picking the good stuff out of the Chex Mix?! The only thing left in here are these stupid brown discs.
- Are you in or out? - I'm out of everything but these brown discs! I fold! So, uh, Gonzo.
How are you feeling after that fall? Seems like you might have broken your nose there in like a thousand different places.
No, no, my nose is the only bone in my body I haven't broken.
That's why it looks so good.
- You know, I'm out.
- Yeah, me, too.
You know, The Great Gonzo here well, he used to be a daredevil.
Yeah, base jumping, motorcycles through fire, boarding a plane before his zone was called.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh! I found a cheese twirl! Okay, come on, come on, come on.
Let's go.
Pepe, are you in? Si, I'm in like turtlenecks and gold chains.
All right.
I still think about the stunt that got away.
I was gonna shoot out of a cannon across cactus gorge.
Si, si.
But just as he's about to light the fuse, he lost his nerves.
God, I'd like to have a shot at doing that stunt again.
Gee, Gonzo, I didn't realize you still wanted to do a jump like that.
Listen, if it means that much to you, I'll make it happen on the show.
Oh, Piggy's so mad at me.
She'd never let me do it.
You have any idea what it's like to be on her list? Are you serious, Gonzo? It's me.
I know what it's like to be clinging to the hood of her car when she's doing 50.
Okay, enough chit chat.
I feel like I'm in a hair salon here.
I'm calling.
I got a flush.
Flush, huh? Okay, so is that better than three of one thing and two of another? - Ohh! - Unbelievable, okay?! How'd you do this? That, my dear prawn, is called acting! You're looking at the guy that played Bruce Willis in the future playing himself in the past or something like that.
I never quite understood the plot.
But the point is, people don't care about plots.
You know what they care about? Acting! Now give me that muppet money.
I got to go.
- We'll settle up later.
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Somebody tackle him! Hey.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, lock the door! - No.
- Hm? Whatever it is, no.
She's in the middle of a beauty treatment, which, ironically, is not pretty.
Deadly, please.
We dated for years.
We've both seen each other at our worst.
I-I was wrong.
That's the worst.
I told you, Kermit.
Piggy, what are you doing to yourself? Just a little tune up for the shoot of my new Piggy Water label.
I look fabulous flat, but when you bend me around a bottle, - everything spreads.
- Mm.
Aah! - Oh, my God! - Eh I-it's called nasal electro-contouring.
It shocks the muscles - so those hooligans learn to behave.
- Oh o-okay.
Well, ah, listen.
I was thinking the show could use something splashy, like a big stunt.
And, you know, Gonzo was a daredevil.
Maybe we could shoot him out of a cannon? Gonzo? I'm not giving of any of my airtime to that Aah! freak.
He's on my list.
Er Piggy, couldn't you give the list a rest? Haven't you ever heard of "forgive and forget?" Who said that? Whoever if it was, I'm putting them on my list.
Aah! Well, er, what if Piggy Water promotes the jump? Absolutely not.
- Keep talking.
- Well Piggy? She's entered what we call "the glamor coma.
" Draw up the agreement, I'll put a pen in her lifeless hand, and we'll get to lunch at a decent hour.
Good plan.
Is that real moon or just a department store one? Ain't no real moon.
Not since the '70s.
- Hey, guys.
- Whoa.
- Hey, there.
- Hey, um Uh, you mind if I, uh, come in for a second? - Come on.
- Sure.
Oh, like, sure.
Just hang your aura on one of those hooks over there.
Um, looks like the third one's free.
Uh okay.
Um, so, uh, anyway Uh, after my brush with death yesterday - Mm? - it hit me I've been playing it safe my whole life.
I want to start living more like you guys.
You know, on the edge.
- Righteous.
- Well, here's what you do leave home at the rapacious age of 14 - Yep.
- and make your way down to Tupelo, Mississippi.
There you'll find a voodoo princess named Tianna who will give you a gold tooth and lessons in the rhythms of love.
- Mm.
- Yeah, but leave home at 14? Why, what, you think the boy's got access to a time machine? O-oh, hey, you know what? My friend Eddie, he lives out in the desert.
- You can give him a call.
- Mm-hmm.
He got a time machine.
Yeah, he lets me use it on weekends.
I climb in there on Friday.
When I get out, it's Saturday.
The whole thing takes about a day.
Yeah.
Uh, well, these are all great suggestions, guys, but, um, I was kind of hoping for something I could do today before lunch.
Oh, you know, you should let me, like, pierce your ear.
I never noticed, but you have great lobes.
Hey.
An earring.
That is pretty edgy.
I mean, Chad from my spin class has one.
And the way he rides, you could tell he doesn't give a hoot.
I'll do it! Oh, lean into it boys.
The Great Gonzo's put on a few LBs since the glory days.
I can't believe this is really happening.
I'm gonna get to do my dream stunt.
Okay, okay.
Here's a daring stunt for you take the stairs every once in a while.
Give that a shot.
Uh, I just want to say thank you, Gonzo.
I mean, you're doing this for all of us who don't get to live out our dreams.
- Hmm.
- I always wanted to be a Chicago bear.
I didn't know you played football.
Oh, I-I-I didn't.
I just wanted to live in Chicago.
Good food, good people, no pressure on the body image.
And I always dreamt of serving in America's congress.
But I can't even get elected to the board of my condo association.
So what if I won't share my fabric softener in the laundry room? I bought it! Hey, uh, w-what's your dream, Chip? - Me? - Yeah.
Oh, I don't have a dream.
Oh, I have a dream, all right.
I want to bring people joy by tap dancing across the world.
Ah! And that's after only three lessons.
There's the man of the hour.
The lights are on the roof, the network's running promos, and people are gonna live tweet.
Kermit, would you say something that makes him gasp so this zipper has a fighting chance? I got Dave Grohl to sing "Learn To Fly.
" - I love that guy! - There we go.
Kermit, how in the world did you get Piggy to sign off on this? Well, it wasn't easy, and, uh, I hate to say this, but you're gonna have to put on a new suit.
Well, that's a small price to pay for the return of The Great Gonzo.
Uh, actually, it's "The Great Gonzo, ah, brought to you by Piggy Water.
" - Hmm.
- That's your name now.
Uh "even answering the phone and stuff.
" Oh, thank you so much, Kermit.
This is the happiest day of my life.
Well, I-I just hope you can pull it off - without hurting yourself.
- If you're talking about the suit, I doubt it.
It's become part of him now.
- Hmm.
- It is tight.
Oh, boy.
Okay, this is happening.
This is happening.
Ow! Oh, oh, man.
That's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.
Ow.
How's it look? Um, that was just the ice to numb the area.
Oh.
Ice.
Yes.
Good idea.
Yes, numb the pain.
Thank you.
Silly me.
Ice good! Okay, deep breath in.
And, like, hold your head still.
Okay, I can do this.
I can do this.
Ah! Ah.
Oh.
Whoa.
So, like, do you want me to do this? Yes, I just don't have any control over my head.
Oh, I got ya, kid.
These hands have been playing keyboard for many years.
I think I can hold a little melon-top like you.
- O-o-okay.
Yeah, just, uh - Not a problem.
- No! Aah! No, no, no! - Whoa! Ah! No! No, no, no, no! Whoa! - Whoa.
Man.
- Oh, wow.
Ha! Hyah! - Hyah! Ha! - Whoa! Get him! Get him! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Where'd he go? - Man, I don't know.
Peace, little dude! Oh, good.
You came.
I didn't think you got my text.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I just walked upstairs for the first time in years.
Phew! How goes it? We've been doing tests of your jump, and the results of the findings are fascinating.
Here.
Let me show you with this replica made of fruit.
I agree.
We should have made you out of twinkies and ding dongs considering how difficult it was for you to squeeze into your suit.
Anyway, our research has shown that unless the cannon shoots you out at precisely 83.
7 miles per hour, the following will occur.
Whoa.
So what are you saying? Unless everything goes perfectly, I'll be a fruit smoothie? Of course not.
You'll be a flesh and blood smoothie.
- Haha! - Presto! Science! - Mm.
- Oh, ooh! - Oh, there you are.
- Oh.
You wanted to see me, The Great Gonzo brought to you by Piggy Water? Oh, oh, yes.
Yes, Sam.
You know, I'm super-excited about the jump - Mm, mm-hmm.
- But the daredevil's code does compel me to tell you that there's sort of a 99.
9% chance that this ends with a violent explosion of fur.
- So if you - How exciting! Uh, so the network has no objection to people of all ages watching that kind of carnage? Carnage? No! That's healthy fun! It's what keeps the lights on around here.
All I ask is that when you hit the wall and explode, you do not curse.
So you're not gonna call this off? Never! You are an inspiration to us all.
In fact, last night, I shared my fabric softener with Tom in 5B.
Nice guy.
Four kids.
I'm babysitting Saturday night.
Not sure how that happened.
Hmm.
Anyway, we're all counting on you, Gonzo! Break a leg! Hey, uh, good luck with the big jump.
Thanks, Rowlf.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- What? - Uh, I'll just have another diet coke.
- All righty.
- Hey, buddy.
- Oh, no, is it time? - Hmm? I mean, oh, no, is it time? Look, Gonzo, I think you should call off the stunt.
Call off the stunt? What why? Well, I don't think you want your name associated with Piggy Water.
You know, the FDA is investigating if it has the right to be called water at all.
- Hmm.
- I heard it might fall into the category of sauce.
But everybody's counting on me to live out their dreams.
You know what my dream is, Gonzo? That my friends know they can tell me anything and I'll never judge them.
Wow, Kermit.
- That is a very boring dream.
- Hm? But you know what? You're right.
- I am gonna call it off.
- Yeah? - Because I don't want to be a sell-out.
- Mm.
- It's not because I'm scared or anything.
- No, no, no, no.
But, um, still, if you were scared, it'd be okay.
- But I'm not.
- But if you were.
- But I'm not.
But I'm not.
- But if you were.
But if you were.
A little bit.
I know.
Thanks.
- Uh-oh.
Hmm? - Uh, hey, guys.
Ah, I just want to tell you how sorry I am about yesterday.
You guys were trying to help me, and how did I repay you? By causing disturbance in your cool hang-out place.
- No.
- What are you talking about? - We thought it was fun, man! - Mm-hmm.
That was an awesome display of - strength and fortuition.
- Yeah.
Wh wh you guys aren't mad at me? Aw, are you kidding, boy? You can come in here any time and toss the wild man around like that.
Yeah! Toss again! Toss again! - Yeah! - You know, Scooter, like, when you first came in here, your aura was its usual yellow, but after you left, it was like this bright indigo, like something was awakened in you.
Really? You know, I'm kind of proud of myself.
I left my comfort zone and lived on the edge.
You guys aren't gonna tell my mom, are you? So, for those of you just tuning in, The Great Gonzo's cannon stunt, brought to you by Piggy Water, has been canceled due to weather conditions.
The wind is now officially on my list.
Huh.
I didn't notice any bad weather.
Well, you also didn't notice you were in your neighbor's apartment until the police showed up and caught you taking a bath.
So you guys remember how we did it in rehearsal? Oh, we like to do it different from rehearsal.
Okay, well, then why did we even rehearse? Oh, 'cause if we don't rehearse, then there's nothing to do it different from.
Who wants to put fruit on - their Turkey sandwich? - You know what? Actually, I dig that.
For sure.
So here to sing "Learn To Fly," which made a lot more sense when somebody was flying, ladies and gentlemen, Dave Grohl! Run and tell all of the angels This could take all night Think I need a devil to help me get things right - Hook me up a new revolution - Rock star.
That's my dream, Pepe.
- 'Cause this one is a lie - Si.
The fame, the ladies.
- The ladies.
- Mm.
But I'd trade all of that - For the ladies.
- for the ladies.
- Now I'm looking to the sky to save me - Ooh, ooh Looking for a sign of life Looking for something to help me burn out bright - I'm looking for a complication - Great song, huh? Yeah.
Do you think I could have made that jump? Honestly, if anyone could have done it, it would have been The Great Gonzo.
- back home when I learn to fly - Ah-choo! Seriously? - There goes my blowout.
- Sorry! Well, at least somebody felt the wind in their hair, huh, Gonzo? Uh, Gonzo? - Looking to the sky to save me - Oh, no.
- Oh-oh, good grief.
- Looking for a sign of life - Looking for something - Oh, no.
- To help me burn out bright - Oh.
Oh.
Gonzo! See you on the other side, Kermit! I'm looking for a complication - Whoo! - Looking 'cause I'm tired of trying Make my way back home when I learn to fly high Make my way back home - When I learn to fly - Yeah! I did it! You did it! Yay! I'm Gonzo The Great.
No! You're Gonzo The Greatest! Aww! Whoo-hoo! Ohh.
Oh, my God.
This Piggy Water is delicious! Oh.
I've been waiting years for this, Animal.
Now we see who best.
Oh, what's that? A bell? Time for school.
Oh, yeah? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah! - You win.
- You win.