The Nanny s01e09 Episode Script

Oh, good morning, everyone.
Oh, Miss Fine, another stunning yet inappropriate breakfast ensemble.
You like? They were having a big sale at Victoria's Secrets.
I bought some other stuff, too, but that's my secret.
Did you save the catalogue? / You can have it after I'm through.
Niles.
/ Well, Mother's Day is just around the corner.
Uh-huh Good morning, everyone.
Miss Fine! What? It was buy one get one free.
Ah, that must be my return call from Osaka.
No, it's Eddie.
He's calling me to say good morning.
Well, I've lost my appetite.
Gee, you know with all the overseas calls you make, I hope you get free mileage with you long distance.
How delightfully bourgeois.
/ Bourgeois with a free-be to Bermuda.
Thank you, Niles.
/ Not so fast.
It's for Miss Fine.
Miss Valerie Torello.
/ Val is on my business line? Well it could be an emergency.
Val, what's the matter? Who died? Ahh Danny my ex is taking Heather Biblow to Puerto Rico.
Miss Fine, nobody cares about your boyfriend's vacation.
Ex-boyfriend, sir.
/ And I care deeply.
Oh, Val, I'm getting some beeps here.
Wait a minute.
Oh, that must be Osaka on the other line.
Hang up, hang up.
Val, it's Japan calling for Mister Sheffield.
I gotta hang up.
Whose water broke in Macy's? / Just, just give me that Moshi, Moshi.
Val, will you please hang up? No, I don't get free mileage on my long distance.
Moshi, Moshi.
Nothing.
You must have lost him.
/ Me? Me? / Yes, you.
Couldn't be.
/ Then who? Miss Fine, let's just make on simple rule, can we? You keep your personal life out of my business.
So what you're saying is, if you've got a business meeting, I should keep my personal feelings out of it and let you go out in that tie? Let's just review.
Business.
Personal.
Business.
Personal.
Let's have none of this.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to.
He's changing the tie.
Daddy, guess where we're going? Sweetheart, we're in the middle of work.
Who taught you to barge in like that? Yoo-hoo, Mister Sheffield.
/ Ah, it's all coming back to me.
Please, I'm on the phone! Well, I hope it's nothing personal, 'cause he'll snap your head off.
Do you want something? / A: I like your tie.
B: I need some money.
I'm taking Gracie shopping.
It's time I learned to coordinate my separates.
She's growing up right before my eyes.
Meanwhile, you're wearing on Mary Jane and one saddle shoe.
I dare to be different.
Go change.
Soon she'll be ready for the home-shopping network.
So, I'm off to go on duty.
You need anything while I'm out? Yes.
A leading man.
/ Oh, who doesn't? Believe me, if they sold them at Labels For Less, I'd have one on layaway already.
Yes, I'll hold.
Nanny Fine, a synthetic fur.
How very p.
c.
of you.
What? / P.
c.
as in politically correct.
Oh, well, actually it's J.
C.
, as in Penney.
Your outfit is nice, too.
/ Of course, dear.
It's an Adolfo.
As in Hitler? Yes, I'm still here.
So he is interested.
Splendid.
Let me run it by Mister Sheffield.
Yes.
Kiss, kiss.
Love you.
Ciao.
What a phony.
Well? / You'll never guess who I've talked into starring in our new show, pending a meeting with you of course: Brock Storm.
Brock Storm?! / Never heard of him.
You never heard of Brock Storm? / Yes.
We've established that.
He plays Doctor River Shane on One Day After Another.
He's on the cover of Soap Digest.
I'll leave you my copy in your bathroom.
Maxwell, I'm telling you, Brock is big.
And we need a box office draw.
Star's Deli already named a sandwich after him.
The Brockwurst.
My God, I've eaten him.
He is good.
He is perfect.
He's beyond perfect.
When Trista went into pre-mature labor, after the plane crash, despite his two broken arms, Brock delivered her baby.
How? / With his teeth.
I'm telling you, he is the most perfect man in the world.
He's playing a part, Miss Fine.
It's an act.
Hence the term actor.
Oh, no.
No one can act that good.
He is truly sensitive.
When he cries, snot comes out of his nose.
Oh, the man is gifted.
You're doing fine, Oklahoma.
Oklahoma.
O-K-H-L-O-F No wait.
Who needs to spell when you look like that? Oklahoma.
Yo! Oh, that's marvelous! Bravo.
And so very loud.
You do know I'm meeting with other producers.
Andy has invited me out to his place in Southampton for the weekend.
Andy Lloyd Webber? / Uh-huh.
And there's no spelling in his show.
Remember, Brock, there's only one maiden voyage to Broadway, so take the ride with a producer that can guarantee you the epitome of style, taste and class.
I don't know what I ate for lunch.
Oh yeah, quiche.
Will you excuse me a minute? Miss Fine, we're still in the middle of our business meeting.
Oh, is that today? Oh gee, if I would have known, I would have dressed.
Come on kids.
Come on over.
Your father has someone he wants you to meet.
Uh, Brock, these are my children.
Brighton, Grace and Maggie.
Hello.
/ Hello.
Hello! We never should have let her out of the attic.
And this must be your gorgeous wife.
No.
This is my less than subtle nanny, Miss Fine.
Fran to you.
Or mon amour whichever.
Darling, je vous aime beaucoup Frere Jacques, dormez vous Miss Fine, a moment? Yes? Get out or I'll hurt you.
Got it.
Well, if you'll excuse me.
Oh, just one last thing.
All the while that you were selflessly raising your son Eric, while his mother, Cheree, was gallivanting all over Spring Valley, did you know that he wasn't your biological child? Yes, I've always known.
You are a god.
And a doctor.
I gotta lie down.
I do apologize.
But I'm sure you must get that sort of thing all the time.
/ Yeah.
Cool, huh? So shall I call your agent? / Sure.
I'll need top billing.
Big letters.
More money than anyone else.
Oh yeah, and the nanny.
Can you believe he wants my nanny? Let him get someone else to take care of his children.
Maxwell, he doesn't have any children.
Then what does he want with my nan? Oh.
God, this is boring.
Brock hasn't even moved since the last commercial.
Shh.
That's because he's in a coma.
Look, he's gonna drool again.
The man is a master of bodily fluids.
But nothing's happening.
That's because you don't know how to watch.
See how Nurse Judy is clutching the I.
V.
pole? So she's dizzy.
/ So she's pregnant.
And Brock's the father.
/ I thought he was in a coma.
Plus he's had a vasectomy.
Is that man virile or what? What's a vasectomy? / Uh, it's elective surgery, honey.
Like when C.
C.
went to Switzerland and came back without her thighs.
Did C.
C.
have a vasectomy? No.
No, honey.
I hear she's given a few.
Niles? / As if I have nothing better to do than be at his beck and call.
As if we were his servants.
Oh, yeah.
/ Oh, yeah.
No, no, no.
I, I will not.
I cannot make Miss Fine part of this deal.
Oh, Maxwell, grow up.
/ It's unconscionable.
It's, it's morally bankrupt.
/ It's show biz.
What took you so long? / I fell, sir.
But I think I'm all right now.
I'll walk it off.
Maxwell, darling, I'm begging you.
We just have to do it.
I find the whole idea repulsive.
Way to play hard to get, sir.
Niles, get your mind out of the gutter.
Vacating the gutter, sir.
We're talking about Brock Storm.
He'll only do the show if I set him up with Miss Fine.
Well it's not like she won't be thrilled with the prospect.
She glommed on to him like a refrigerator magnet.
Yes, that's, that's true enough.
She was rather taken with him.
So actually you'll be doing her a favor as opposed to say, pimping her.
Thank you, Niles.
Always there for you, sir.
Oh, oh Oh, I can't believe how cute all the men are.
Cute but so dysfunctional.
A lethal combination, ladies.
Miss Fine, Mister Sheffield would like to speak with you in his office.
Oh, what did I do? If he asks you anything about my fall, just play along.
All right, I'll do it, but I won't like it.
Where have I heard that before? Oh, Miss Fine, do come in.
I'm sorry.
But who knew nail polish remover would eat off the finish.
What finish? / Nothing.
Miss Fine! / Oh, Maxwell, lighten up.
Sit down, Miss Fine.
Fran.
Franala.
Oh now I'm really scared.
What would you say if I arranged dinner this evening for you and Brock Storm? Wait.
Is this a hypothetical question, or are we wasting time when I should be putting the electric rollers in my hair? Roll away, Miss Fine.
/ Oh my god! A date with Brock Storm?! I can't believe you would do this for me.
Oh, well, you know / It's our pleasure.
We just want you to have a good time.
A very good time.
Not that good a time.
/ We want her to have a good time.
Have as good a time as you want, but no more.
Well, I'll just play it by ear.
Oh, thank you, Mister Sheffield.
Oh, thank you, Miss Babcock.
That was close.
See? That wasn't so bad, was it? Knock, knock.
It's Franala.
/ We missed you.
Uh, would Brock by any chance have the hots for me, and, and it would be better for you and your show if I went out with him? Miss Fine, how could you imply / Shut-up, C.
C.
! Yes, yes, it's true! We're sacrificing you to Brock to close our filthy business deal! All right.
.
Uh-oh.
/ What? A date with Brock, now wouldn't that be mixing business with personal? You know.
Maxwell, what is this? And why are you doing it with her? Oh, just some silly rule I made.
What say we forget that rule? Oh, no.
Rules are rules.
Rules are made to be broken.
I don't know.
Forget the rules! I hate the rules! New rule! No rules! I want you to mix business with personal.
I want you to call Val on my business line.
Invite her over, have a party! Here, take my credit card, redecorate the house! All right.
Maxwell, if you don't mind, I think I'll handle the negotiations with Brock's agent.
Oh, honey, the secret to putting on blush is less is more.
The exact opposite of hair spray.
Oh, isn't it amazing how our lives are completely the same? I mean, you're going out with the hottest soap star, and I'm dating Eddie.
It's scary.
Come on, where's my lipstick? How do I look? Like my Aunt Shirley before her cataract surgery.
Here, sweetie.
Fran, can I borrow some perfume? / Oh, sure, help yourself.
No.
That's my scent.
You take the Charlie.
A few drops strategically placed on the pulse points.
Here, here and one right between the eyes.
The eyes? Yes.
The brain is the sexiest organ.
Right, Val? Where's Val? / Oh, what a walk-in.
If it had a bathroom, you could sublet.
Did you smell the padded potpourri hangers? Please.
I had to take an antihistamine.
Oh, come in.
Miss Fine, Mister Storm's blown in.
Oh, my god! I can't believe my best friend's going out with Brock Storm! Okay, everyone.
Let's just calm down.
He's just a person.
It's just like any other date.
Now I'm gonna go down and I'm gonna say hello to Mister Brock Storm.
That's all.
Don't start with me, Niles.
So, Brock, now that you're in a coma on the show, aren't you afraid of being killed off? I'll recover the minute we settle my contract.
/ Uh-huh.
Why? What have you heard? Ah, Brock, I've just got off the phone with your agent, and I think we'll be able to strike a deal.
Fabulous! / Yes, well, the negotiations are going Oh, I'll tell you later.
Hi, Brock.
Darling, you look spectacular.
Which makes me look even better.
Brock, I want you to meet my best friend, Valerie Torello.
Go ahead, Val, embarrass me.
Oh, Mister Storm, it's such a thrill to shake your hand.
Was it as good for you as it was for me? Two seconds.
That's a record.
Well, I hope I dressed okay, Brock.
I didn't know what we were doing.
Anything you want.
/ Oh Ah, mon amour mon amour Take a picture.
Take a picture.
Is it just me or is he the phoniest human being on earth? Would that be counting Miss Babcock? Oh, Mister Sheffield, this is the most exciting night of my life, and I owe it all to you.
Oh, you don't owe me anything.
You don't owe him anything either.
Nothing is owed.
Don't wait up.
Is everything all right, sir? Oh, of course.
She seems Fine with the arrangement.
Indeed.
She was floating on air.
/ Hot air, I might add.
Sir, are you worried that she'll have a bad time or a good one? You know, Niles, you're starting to get on my nerves.
All in a day's work, sir.
That was a delicious meal, wasn't it? I never knew Happy Hour could be so filling.
Do you think my hair looks better parted on the right or the left? Well, let's see, you had it parted on the left for the nachos.
And then you switched it for the buffalo wings.
Am I right? / Uh-huh.
Why don't you split the diff and part it down the middle? Uh, Kaleeb, there's my mansion now.
Why don't you just drop me off at the corner? Driver, keep driving.
What's your rush? It's a school night.
/ It's the shank of the evening.
And your eyes beckon me to the shore where I will crash on you lips.
You said the same thing to Nurse Judy and now she's hanging on an I.
V.
pole.
Well, it's time for some intensive care.
And the doctor is in.
That's it.
You know, I have a good mind to report you to Soap Opera Digest.
You are nothing like Doctor River Shane.
No.
But I'm exactly like his evil twin.
Oh, Mister Sheffield.
/ Oh What are you doing down here? Were you waiting up for me? Of course not.
I was just reading a book, that's here somewhere.
Is she home yet? / Go back to sleep.
So how was your evening with Brock? Oh, don't ask.
The guy was only interested in one thing.
Hello.
My father was finally right.
I feel like such a loser.
/ You can't blame yourself.
The man's a cad.
I'd like to ring his / Peanuts? He took advantage of you naivete and complete lack of sophistication.
Don't forget incredible stupidity.
/ Right.
Oh, what am I doing here? Take this away form me.
This could easily turn into a ten-pound binge.
I hold myself completely responsible.
I let my own self-interest compromise your virtue.
Oh, are you adorable? Oh, now, Miss Fine, let's not misconstrue.
We don't want to mix business with personal.
Oh, you're not starting on that jag again, are you? We're living together, sort of.
Some of this is bound to happen.
/ Yeah, I suppose.
You know, it's the strangest thing, but when you went out that door with him this evening, I thought if something terrible were to happen I would actually care.
Don't gush.
Look at us, a couple of nut eaters.
Oh, Mister Sheffield, I hope I didn't screw up you play.
Well, frankly, after the way Brock treated you this evening, I'm not sure I'd care to work with him anyway.
Oh, too bad, too.
Because now he could really hit those high notes.
Goodnight, Mister Sheffield.
Does that mean she kicked him in the / Goodnight, Brighton.
Does 'shamageggy' have two g's or three? That's not a word.
/ You never heard of shamageggy? Oh, you never met my cousin Ira.
Now let's see, the double word score makes thirty and the 's' turns moron into morons, carry the naught.
Fifty-seven points.
Where's the bag? No, absolutely not.
I don't want another soap star.
They might be big box office, but there must be another way to go.
If you hear some beeps, I'm expecting a call from Val.
/ Oh, this is Val.
Fran, I'm stuck.
What do I do next? Let me see.
Gently push the pony tailer through the back of the pony to create a hairdo that will epitomize fantasy and femininity.
/ Ow! Please.
I'm trying to watch One Day After Another.
Oh look, they've replaced Brock Storm.
I wonder what happened? How do you spell eunuch?