The New Adventures of Old Christine s01e09 Episode Script

Hi.
Reminding myself to sign Ritchie's permission slip bake cupcakes for Parents' Night, new mascara Oh.
Shave things.
Okay.
Yeah, that's it.
Um, thank you very much.
Oh.
Juice boxes.
God.
- Hello? Hey, Christine.
It's me, Richard.
- What? - Richard Campbell.
We were married 10 years, now divorced.
We have a son, Ritchie.
No, I didn't hear the phone ring.
That surprised me.
- I was on the other line.
- With yourself? Pfft.
You don't know that for sure.
Has the cold medicine kicked in? Like I'm still doing that.
What are you doing? Oh.
I'm having anxiety attacks about that damn Parents' Night at Ritchie's school tomorrow night.
Ritchie's room mom asked me to bring cupcakes.
When do I have time to make cupcakes? - So just buy some.
- What are you, nuts? If I show up with store-bought cupcakes the other moms will call Child Protective Services.
You care too much what those other moms think.
Well, Richard, you have to care what other people think.
I mean, until you're old.
Then you can be like your mother.
Wow.
I didn't see that coming around to my mother.
- Nicely done.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
So I was thinking maybe it's time for Ritchie to meet Christine.
Not you, of course.
He's met you, came out of you.
Uh I mean, you know, my new Christine.
Girlfriend.
Are you there? Press the 9 key if you're still awake.
- Yeah, I'm here, Richard.
- So, what do you think? L I I think, good.
I think, great.
I mean, it's about time.
Haven't those two met yet? - I gotta go.
- What happened? You were right.
I'm still on that cold medicine and it just kicked in.
I'm really fading fast, so good night.
Damn it.
Damn it.
I'm still here.
- Oh.
Well, uh, ahem, have a good night.
Matthew? Are you up? Matthew.
It's me.
It's me.
- Hi.
- This better not be about American Idol.
I got a real emergency.
Listen.
Richard wants to introduce Ritchie to his, you know Yeah, you might as well just say it.
New Christine.
Damn it.
Wow.
A new young girlfriend with the same name as you.
That kind of blows.
Yeah, it so blows.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah.
No, no, you know, I just took some cold medicine, um because I have a little uh, cough.
Boy, that cough's really hanging on.
What is it, like six years now? Hey, leave me alone.
I don't make fun of your glaucoma medicine.
Listen, Matthew, Ritchie is not ready to meet his dad's girlfriend.
I know what you're afraid of and he's not gonna like her better than you.
I never liked anyone more than our mom and she made me buy her tampons and cigarettes.
Until about 15 years ago, then she just wanted the cigarettes.
Oh, and air conditioning.
- I don't know how Ritchie's gonna react.
- Well, so stall.
I was dating this girl and I got the feeling she was gonna break up with me so I just never answered the phone when she called.
- For how long? - I think we're still together.
Go back to bed.
You're gonna make your cold worse.
What? Oh, yeah.
Oh, I should go take something.
"Three and a half cups flour.
Sifted.
" Sif Oh, I have Okay.
Set that thing.
Okay.
One.
Two.
Yeah, just a minute.
- Two.
Christine? Yeah, come on in, come on in.
Four.
Wait, what? I hope you preheated that trash can to 375.
Did you come over here to make fun of my cooking? Christine's waiting outside.
What? Why? She's here to meet Ritchie.
- What do you mean? Now? - Yeah.
Last night on the phone, you said it was okay.
No, no, no, I said it was okay at some point, okay? You know, at some point far, far down the line, you know? After books have been read and professionals have been consulted.
I didn't know you were talking about this morning.
We can't do it now.
I'm not ready.
You're not ready? No, I said he's not ready.
You said you.
No.
I said I as in him.
As in I gave birth to him.
You see, Richard, you know what? You don't listen.
No.
Christine, it's okay.
Christine loves kids and I've talked to Ritchie about the fact that I'm dating.
He's okay with it.
Okay, you're right.
It'll be fine.
I'll call him.
Ritchie? Ritchie? Ah.
You know what? He's not home.
- Hey, Dad.
- Ah.
He came back.
Hi.
You shouldn't leave your girlfriend out on the porch.
Someone took my bike from there last week.
- Hi, Christine.
- Dad, who's that? Ritchie, I want you to meet someone.
This is my friend I've told you about.
- Hi, Ritchie.
I'm Christine.
- Hi, Christine.
Hey, Mom, she has your same name.
We're gonna have to work on that.
We'll let Mom keep her name though.
She's had it longer.
So we thought we'd go out for pancakes.
Oh, uh, Ritchie doesn't like pancakes.
- We could get eggs.
- I love eggs.
Problem solved.
- So let's go get some eggs.
- Okay.
- Thank you for this.
- Yes.
Thank you so much.
Okay.
Bye, darling.
Give Mommy a little huggy.
Oh.
Oh, such a big boy.
Goodbye, goodbye.
I love you.
Goodbye, darling.
I adore you.
Am I ever coming back? Yes, of course you are.
- Christine, you're freaking him out.
- Okay.
Sorry, sorry.
Off you go.
Goodbye, darling.
Bye-bye.
Have fun.
I'll just be here, making your cupcakes.
One.
Two.
Keep an eye out for Ritchie.
He and Richard are meeting us here.
You get any information on how it went with the girlfriend? Oh, no, I didn't ask.
- Because you know what I'm not doing? - Blinking? No.
I'm not freaking out, because I've decided to be mature.
They were gonna meet sometime.
That sometime was today.
They met.
It's over.
I have nothing to worry about, because I'm his mom.
Wow, you really are mature.
Here come those moms I was telling you about.
Freeze them out, freeze them out.
Oh, Christine, you made it.
How wonderful.
Oh, yeah, of course I made it.
I wouldn't miss it.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi there.
- Hey.
- I'm Marly.
My daughter Ashley's in the class with Christine's son from her first marriage.
Oh, no.
- That's That's my only marriage.
- Oh, good.
Lindsay, Kelsey third, Sammy fourth, Jackson Pre-K.
This is my brother.
This is Matthew.
- Oh.
Brother.
Okay.
- Okay.
Yeah.
So, what do you do, Matthew? - Oh, I'm a producer.
- No, you're not.
- I'm a product tester.
- What? Stop it.
No, he's my nanny.
He takes care of Ritchie when I'm at the gym.
Oh, good for you.
Work and the gym.
Lots of me time.
Yeah.
Yeah, no wonder you can't make it to school events.
Oh, no, no, no.
I own the gym.
And I'm here at a school event.
And I even made these cupcakes here.
I baked them from scratch.
- Baked? - You made them? Yeah.
And, well, baking probably helps keep your mind off Well, bless your heart.
It's nice meeting you, Matthew.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hey, Ritchie.
Ooh.
Hi, honey.
I'm so glad to see you.
- Gosh, did you have fun? - I had a lot of fun.
Christine's so nice.
- We went out for breakfast.
- Oh.
- And I had an extra-large soda.
- Holy moly.
And then we went to the mall, and I got to have ice cream for lunch.
- Oh.
- It was really fun.
Yeah, you said that.
Oh, that's great.
I really, really, really think that's great.
Blink.
- And she came with us.
- And she what? Oh, hi.
Oh, Christine, he is such a great kid.
We had so much fun.
Well, has anyone ever had as much fun as you had today? We brought doughnuts.
- And they're hot.
- Ooh.
That sounds good.
Not as good as one of your trash-can cupcakes.
- Mom, can I have a hot doughnut? - No, honey.
No doughnuts.
It sounds like you've been eating sugar all day.
And that can give you a headache.
That's what fun does.
It gives you a headache.
- Richard, can I talk to you just for a second? - Yeah.
Okay.
Why is she here? And please don't use the word fun, or I swear to God, I'll push you down.
Christine, there was nothing I could do.
We ran out of time.
- Are you upset that she's here? - Am I upset that she's here? You know, I think there might actually be something wrong with you, Richard.
Okay? It's Parents' Night.
It's for parents.
Chippie Night is later in the month.
Why are you making such a big deal? Are you still worried about those moms? No.
I'm worried about our son.
This is a new school, and we come in here me, the working mother, you, the ex-husband the new girlfriend, the producer brother.
I mean, put a couple of bolts on your neck and we're the freaking Munsters.
That's ridiculous.
No one's even gonna notice that she's here.
You must be Ritchie's mom.
Boy, you look just like him.
- Just a little bit.
- Um, hi, we haven't been introduced.
I'm actually Ritchie's mom.
- I'm Christine Campbell.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I just assumed.
No, no, no, that's such an easy mistake to make.
I mean, it's Parents' Night.
Generally, you don't think of Parents' Night as being open to the community at large.
But since we're all here, I've made these nametags just to avoid any uncomfortable situations.
I'm going to get a doughnut.
Oh.
Okay, well, you know what? These cupcakes are homemade in case you're interested in that, but you're not.
That's fine.
Mom, is it okay if I show New Christine my artwork? I'd love to see your artwork, Ritchie.
Once they put my art up in a mall.
Cool.
Yeah.
So bringing the new girlfriend to Parents' Night.
How'd you get pants on over walnuts that big? What? I don't see why it's such a big deal.
You know, I think there might actually be something wrong with you.
Oh.
Is that lizard eating one of my cupcakes? Oh, no.
We tried, but he wouldn't go near it.
Christine, Ritchie is such a great artist.
- Yeah, I know that.
- Mom? - Yeah? - Can I have a doughnut now? No.
No more sweets.
I told you we shouldn't have asked her.
Attention, parents, can I get you all around here for a few moments? I wanna bring you up to speed about our planned curriculum for the remainder of the year, and answer any questions you might have.
The doughnuts are almost gone.
Please, can I have one? Ritchie, the answer is no.
All right, come on.
Let's go and see what Mrs.
Belt has to say.
I wanna stay here with Christine.
Ritchie, I think you should go with your mom.
I don't want to.
I'd rather stay here with you.
No, no.
That's fine.
That's totally okay.
But when somebody asks you what's the planned curriculum gonna be you're not gonna know, and I'm not gonna tell you.
Look at this.
The kids are gonna have pen pals in Third World countries.
- What a sweet idea.
- Oh, shut up.
Well, thank you, everyone.
Now, please, take a look around our classroom enjoy some of our yummy desserts.
I think I saw hot doughnuts over there.
Mrs.
Campbell? - Are? Are you all right? - Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine, Mrs.
Belt, thank Well, actually, I'm just a little bit worried about Ritchie.
He just met his dad's girlfriend for the first time and he might be having a rough time with it.
Are you having a rough time with it, Mrs.
Campbell? Yeah, Mrs.
Belt, I I certainly am.
Hey, are you sure you're okay? Oh, yeah, Matthew, I'm fine.
I mean, Mrs.
Belt just seemed like she needed a hug so - At least Ritchie seems to like her.
- Well, yeah, of course he likes her.
She's all 28 and well-rested.
- Yeah, she is cute.
- Am I cute? Don't do that.
God, it was bad enough when she was New Christine.
Now she's Fun Christine? I mean, I can't even imagine what that makes me.
Of course he wants to be with her tonight.
She's all sunshine and smiles and you're all tension and teeth.
Well, what am I supposed to do? I mean, just break all the rules let him eat sugar all the time, you know, just so he'll like me? That's what you do with me and I like you.
All right.
- Hey, Ritchie.
- What? If you're still interested, you can have a cupcake.
Heh.
Can I have a doughnut? Well, but the cupcakes are homemade, really, with love and organic eggs while the doughnuts are made with lard by strangers in hairnets.
But if you want a doughnut, you can have one.
- Have two.
- Really? Sure.
It'll be fun.
- Can I have another one? - Yeah.
What the hell, a little sugar never hurt anyone.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry about your tummy.
You think you can make it to the bathroom now? What happened, pal? Are you okay? - Mom made me eat four doughnuts.
- Christine.
Come on, pal.
Let's go splash some water on your face.
Oh.
Christine.
Hi.
Uh, yeah, I was just Do I smell like cigarettes? It's because There was this group of guys smoking out there and I just walked through, like, a big cloud of it.
And now I feel like I smell Okay, I smoke.
Oh, uh, that's okay.
I take cold medicine to go to sleep.
I take sleeping pills and cold medicine.
Uh, are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, divorce sucks and I'm a terrible mother, but I'm fine.
You know, it could be worse.
My husband doesn't even show up to these things.
Your kid's got his dad and his uncle, his dad's girlfriend and you.
That's a lot of people showing an interest.
My kid would kill for that.
- Are you being nice to me? - You know, mothers have to stick together.
- What are you doing? - Christine was smoking.
- I was looking for you.
- Well, you found me.
I don't like that.
Oh.
Is he okay? Is he still barfing? Well, he stopped, and then he started again.
And then he stopped, and then he started again.
Then he stopped, then he really started.
- I'm not very good - I got it.
I got it.
Christine? I know I shouldn't have come tonight.
I just really wanted to spend some time with Ritchie.
He's such a big part of Richard's life and you're such a big part of Richard's life.
Well, sometimes I get a little bit jealous of you.
- You're jealous of me? - Yeah.
I think that's why I'm so mean to you.
Well As long as we're being honest, I should say I accept your apology.
Mommy, I feel sick.
Oh, honey, I'm coming, sweetheart.
I'm coming.
I have to go.
My kid needs his mommy.
But you've been very nice to my son and Ritchie seems to like you very much, so that's the important thing.
So I guess I should say I accept your apology.
Yeah, and I was trying to be fun, but being fun isn't really my job.
My job is to take care of you.
So from now on, I'm gonna stick to that.
That doesn't mean that we can't have fun.
We can, just not all the time, because there's a time for fun Could you stop talking, please? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
Yeah.