The Oblongs (2011) s01e09 Episode Script

Oblongs, Oblongs Down in the valley where a chemical spill Came from the people living up on the Hill There's a family by the landfill with hazardous foam In their happy glowing home Oblongs Welcome, all, to the opening of firefly season.
l've loved catching fireflies since l was no bigger than a finger puppet.
Bob, we haven't had fireflies in the valley for ages.
The air's too toxic for living things.
But this year, we're supposed to get those new Africanized fireflies.
They glow brighter, live longer, and six of them can kill a dog.
Yo, Chef Talkie-Too-Much! Food me! Okay, who wants a grade-C meat burger? You can taste the slaughterhouse floor in every bite.
How about we start with some ice cream? Look! Fireflies! Hallelujah! Okay, kids, grab your jars.
l'm gonna catch more than all of you.
Bob, while the children are gone l thought we'd start our own tradition in every room of the house.
You're on your own, kids! Stay out as late as you want! Behold.
They approach.
Mine is gagging.
This one's squirting from both ends.
Look.
Up in the hills.
We can't go up there.
Those are rich people's fireflies.
l think not.
Fireflies belong to any man with a spring in his step and a crusty mayonnaise jar.
-This is lame.
-Yeah, let's go kill things on computers.
-l saw Mom naked! -What about Dad? -Finally, we can experience the magic.
-Told you he was gay.
Hey, valley pukes! Get your paws off our insects! l've said it before, and l'll say it again, get them! Oh, crud.
They got away.
l still have so much pent-up hostility.
My therapist says it's not good to keep that inside.
That could lead to transference and acting out.
Here.
Chuck this through a window.
Noble Amistad.
Ready to set sail.
This time, returning slaves to their homeland.
Righting the wrong-- What a night.
l could get used to this firefly crap.
l hope Biff and Chip weren't too traumatized by our hot Dutch love.
-l see them! -Scrub your corneas! l'm trying! l guess l'll go see where that stupid Skippy Henderson left our paper this morning.
-Darn you, Skippy! -Screw you, Mr.
Oblong! Oh, well.
Gadzooks! Boys, were you in the hills last night? -As you well know, we weren't.
-Much to our disgust.
There's a thing called knocking you might wanna explore.
-On the kitchen door? -Never mind.
Milo, were you wreaking havoc in the hills last night? Moi, reeking? That, sir, is an insult! Well, somebody was.
What we need is the immediate accuracy of television news.
Those valley kids brutalized this gentle soul and destroyed a defenseless slave ship and all the tiny plastic brothers onboard.
-I think you mean African-Americans.
-Shut up, candy-ass.
Now, to deal with these valley hoodlums I'm appointing a new czar of children's services.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mrs.
Hubbard.
I don't know her first name.
Thank you, mayor.
There's only thing those valley kids need.
The good book and what's inside.
Behold! The piece of the lord.
Sorry.
l've got a good feeling about this Mrs.
Hubbard.
l think things are gonna be okay.
-Okay, movie.
-Four words.
First word.
Like Water for Chocolate! -Yes.
-Jeez, Bob could you make it any easier? Hello.
l'm Czar Hubbard.
l'm visiting all the valley homes.
Here's your complimentary proper-parenting gift basket.
Well, thank you.
Enjoy your senility.
A gift basket? For us? Come in, come in.
-Care for an Oreo? -Just the white part.
Hi, lady.
Your knees is wrinkly.
What a doll! Note to self: Little girl has sprouted horn.
So, what's in the parenting basket, Hubbard? -l got a Breathalyzer.
-l got some saltpeter.
-Trade you.
-Done.
l love nothing more than parenting tips from a barren spinster, but it's getting late.
Just one question before l go.
Do you know a Helga Phugly? No one answers the door at her home.
Very suspicious.
Helga Phugly? Nope, never heard of her.
l smell a liar.
l smell mold.
-Helga? -Why won't she let us in? Let me try.
Pizza boy.
Give it, give it! That was a dirty trick.
We just came by to warn you.
Mrs.
Hubbard's asking questions about you.
Okay.
You warned me.
Thanks.
Now get out of my vestibule.
Helga, why are you acting so weird? Look, it's dinner, and my parents are really big on family togetherness time.
Goodbye.
Don't let the door hit your butt on the way out.
l am so sick of the ass jokes.
-She didn't even offer us a chilled beverage.
-See you guys later.
l've got something to do that's not checking up on Helga.
Dinner is delicious, Mom.
My day? lt was wonderful.
Thanks for asking, Daddy.
She's crazier than l am.
Helga, what's going on? Where are your parents? -They're.
They're.
-They're where? They went on vacation a year ago and they never came back! Your head is really heavy.
Come on, Helga, l'm sure your parents didn't abandon you.
-They're probably just dead.
-What could happen to them? They just went to the south of France.
Oh, l hear that's quite lovely.
How could anybody walk out on an adorable waif like me? Yeah, anyway, who's been taking care of you? No one.
l've been living on unsold wedding cakes from the bakery dumpster next door.
l don't think that's very healthy.
l'm fine.
l eat all the major food colors.
Red, white.
Mostly white.
Helga, you can't live like this.
Your roof is leaking, and with all due respect your ass is getting huge.
-We gotta tell somebody.
-No! Please, you can't tell anyone about this.
lf Mrs.
Hubbard finds out, they'll put me in an orphanage.
Okay, but we gotta get this place cleaned up and you can't just keep eating cake.
Don't worry.
l eat other things.
Quick! Get my net! lt's a juicy, meaty crow.
Hi, Dad.
Still working on the old project? Yep.
lt's not easy building an exact replica of the Kon-Tiki.
l've been working on her for 1 7 years but it'll all be worth it when l sail this baby around the world.
-How much have you done? -So far l've managed to cut up that pile of wood over there.
Wasn't the Kon-Tiki made of reeds? Well, l'll be.
Glad we caught this in time.
According to Mrs.
Hubbard's manual a family should offer thanks for their meal.
Just seeing you all keep it down will be thanks enough for me.
Why don't l just read the prayer in the manual? "Dear white male god please send down a cleansing fire to rid us of the mud races.
" Lordy, this seems just a tad insane.
Let's just eat.
l'm not hungry.
l think l'll take my food somewhere and share it with someone.
-Who? -Gotta go.
Bye! -Milo seems nervous.
-And no appetite.
He's like this burnout at school.
Crackhead Lenny.
Yeah, what a total wastoid.
He steals tools from shop, never eats.
He's all sweaty and jittery.
-Can he sleep over this weekend? -Sure.
He sounds nice.
Thanks for the hot chow, Milo.
Your mother should be beaten with an oar.
lt takes some getting used to.
Tell you what.
l have a cookbook.
You pick up some stuff at the market and l'll prepare a nutritious dinner for two.
And if you're good, maybe l'll make you something.
lt's a joke! We both know l don't eat that much.
lt feels good to laugh again.
Wanna go in the family room and watch TV? l haven't fit through that door since l blossomed into a woman.
No problem.
lt's so nice to have a man around the house.
That was fun.
What else can't you fit through? Fluffy! My poor little kitty! l wonder if there's still marrow in these bones.
Only one way to find out! l'm worried about our children.
When we were growing up, we never even heard of taking drugs.
We grew up in the '60s.
Drugs were everywhere.
No, dear, l think you're wrong.
Hi, Dad.
Well, that's alarming.
l made some lemonade for my big, strong man.
-Thanks.
-You look so hot.
Why don't you take your shirt off? With all the rocks on your lawn, l could lose a nipple.
Goodness.
You're giving me the vapors.
l've smelled your vapors.
That's my cue.
See you! Milo, wait! We never talk anymore.
Couldn't we just sit on the veranda and hold each other? All right, but no moaning this time! lt gives me the willies.
So, what's going on after school? Well, there was a murder on my street, and the chalk outline is still there.
We can play hopscotch.
He already has plans, you ho! -Easy.
-l don't like you two hussies macking on my man.
Oh, no, she didn't just call me a ho! Helga, l'm not your man.
l'm keeping your secret, but you gotta lighten up.
You're gonna leave me, aren't you? Everyone l care about leaves me! Fine.
l'll stay in this loveless relationship out of pity.
Oh, goody.
That kid's on opium.
l know it.
He sneaks out at night.
He's been stealing my tools.
Probably building a crystal-meth lab with his biker buddies.
You're buying into this Mrs.
Hubbard paranoia.
Milo's a good boy, and the Mongols are my friends.
l had to tell somebody.
Every time l try to leave, she cries, and it's not normal tears.
They're all thick and greasy.
l can't believe her parents just left her.
l'm trying to track them on the lnternet but l keep getting sidetracked by porn.
-Poor Helga.
-Poor Helga? Poor me! Someone else has to go over there tonight.
l'm whipped, and l don't even know what that means.
l'd go, but my mom makes me brush her hair until she falls asleep.
She's stealing my childhood.
l'll go, Milo.
l'm sure l can cheer Helga up with my upbeat spirit and concomitant positive energy.
Friendship calling! Hip-hip-hello, Helga! Milo sent me.
He told our secret? lf this is a bad time, l.
Pickles is right.
Milo has too much sense to eat drugs.
l've never seen so much crack! Oh, well, that tears it! That's it! Party's over! Mikey, if you wanna smoke crack, do it at your house.
Okay, see you.
Milo, no more fooling around.
l want you to take me to your drug stash.
Okey-doke.
Not your prescription drugs.
l'm talking about the bad kind.
Dad, there's enough in there to drop Elvis.
ls that who your supplier is? This Elvis? All right.
Bend over.
This is gonna hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
That tickles! Well, l can see you're too high to feel pain.
You just go to your room till you crash or whatever it is you hopheads do.
l won't be ignored, Milo.
l really think Milo has gone off the deep end.
He should know better than to become a slave to an addictive substance.
l think you're wrong, Bob.
l checked Milo thoroughly.
The only tracks he has are in his underwear.
Oh, Pickles.
Anyway, l think we need professional help.
You did the right thing by calling.
We don't wanna lose another precious little life to drugs.
-Jiminy! -You crazy old buzzard! Sorry.
Reflex.
Thank God Milo's not here.
He's probably out huffing roofies at some rave.
l know where he is, but it's gonna cost you.
Cost you absolutely nothing.
Nobody move.
Don't shoot, or l'll kiss him again! She's not bluffing! She'll do it! Her lips are like sharkskin.
Sweetie, thank God you're okay! And you're not a junkie head.
You're under arrest for kidnapping, little girl.
Cuff her, J.
J.
l'm trying, sheriff.
Wait, you can't arrest her.
Her parents abandoned her.
-She just needs love.
-What she needs is a salad.
l'm sorry you're in jail, Helga.
Unfortunately, they're going to try you as an adult based on your weight.
They say they might drop the charges if they could find my parents.
Can you give us any clues about where they might be? Well, the last time they sent me money some of it was red, and some of it was blue.
Great, they must be in Candyland.
Well, that's just silly, dear.
They don't have money in Candyland.
lt's a barter system.
They'd probably send her gumdrops or maybe candy canes.
-My poor baby.
-Phugly.
-You made bail.
-My parents! They must've come back! Mommy! -You bailed her out? -That's right.
l've decided to adopt her.
l wanna give her a nice home and raise her self-esteem.
Lord, cleanse this vile heathen of her wicked, disgusting ways.
l really don't like where this is going.
Let's get the hell out of here.
We can't let Helga be adopted by that shriveled old lunatic.
Maybe another family could adopt her.
-How about us? -No! l mean, no.
l'd prefer not to.
Maybe Mrs.
Hubbard will make a good mother to Helga.
She did write this wonderful parenting manual.
Oh, Bob, that thing's a load of crap.
Parenting isn't about suspicion.
lt's about love and nurturing and manipulation.
You can't learn that from a book.
l think the good people at Publish Yourself Publications might disagree with you.
Afternoon, brothers and sisters.
Care to make a donation? We're sending Bibles into space.
l'm teaching Helga how to proselytize.
She's learning how to turn tricks? Hey, nobody's soiling my future daughter, long as she's wearing this baby.
The "Forni-Guard 2000"? l'm wearing one too.
You really think you need that? There's a lot of immigrants out there.
-Helga, do you want her to adopt you? -Oh, yes.
l like sharing a bed with Mother H.
ls that graffiti on your eyes? -What? -Gotta go! Space needs bibles.
Good lord.
That old biddy is nuts.
Bob, she's still here.
Mom, we've gotta stop this! Don't worry.
l've got an idea.
No judge will give custody of a child to an unfit mother.
Beat that, Chuck Heston.
What the devil? l'm sorry.
This will be over in a sec.
lt's to embarrass you.
That's it! Work it, baby! Oh, you're a bad boy, aren't you? All right, now lose the thong! No.
That's enough.
Sorry.
My whip.
lt's a rental.
l agree.
This is some pretty sick smut but what does it have to do with this case? -Pickles, these are all of me! -l'm sorry, baby.
You just looked like such a tasty snack.
And this was taken during my bath time! Does anyone else have anything to add before l make my decision? Your Honor, l request that we be granted custody of Helga and allowed to raise her in a ramshackle tree house without electricity or toilet facilities.
You know, hearing it out loud, it's not sounding so good.
Respectfully withdrawn.
l've reached a decision.
Custody of the Phugly girl is hereby granted to Mrs.
Hubbard.
Wait! You're out of order! And you're out of order! And you're out of order! This whole damn court's out of order! -What are you blabbering about? -Sorry, l'm not quite right.
Your Honor, l found Helga's real parents.
Helga, darling.
Mommy! Daddy! Where have you been? On our way home from Europe, our plane crashed on an ice floe.
All search parties had given up but thanks to the lnternet queries of this noble, melon-headed boy-child we were rescued not 24 hours ago.
Oh, Helga, we were determined to make it back to you even when the food ran out and we were forced to eat all the other passengers.
-That must've been horrible! -Oh, you can't imagine.
Helga, l brought you a necklace of their teeth.
Nice.
Now, that's a good parent.
Helga Phugly, l leave you to the care of your mother and father.
Thanks, Milo.
You made us a family again.
Hey, it's my job.
l'm a kid.
Let's go home, sweetie.
l'm so happy to see you.
Yeah, you look good enough to eat.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]