The Onion News Network (2011) s01e09 Episode Script
Real America
This is the "Onion News Network," better news, better viewers.
Here are some of the stories on our news radar, right now.
On our news radar, right now.
Military officials have announced success in bombing an Afghan wedding of a couple that really didn't belong together.
President Obama has begun getting advice from a wise, old white house janitor.
And a holstein has taken best in show at the westminster cow show.
Prepare for a full body scan.
You're entering the "Fact Zone.
" [ Music .]
I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Let's get right to our top story tonight.
Congress, today, reauthorized funding for Facebook, the massive online surveillance program run by the CIA.
According to department of homeland security reports, Facebook has replaced almost every other CIA information gathering program since it was launched in 2004.
After years of secretly monitoring the public, we were astounded so many people would willingly publicize where they live, their religious and political views, an alphabetized list of all their friends, personal email addresses, phone numbers, hundreds of photos of themselves, uh, and even status updates about what they were doing moment to moment.
It is truly a dream come true for the CIA.
Much of the credit belongs to CIA agent, Mark Zuckerberg, who runs the day-to-day Facebook operation for the agency.
The decorated agent, code named "the overlord," was recently awarded the prestigious medal of intelligence commendation for his work with the Facebook program, which he has called, which he has called, quote, "the single most "powerful tool "for population control "ever created.
" "Ever created.
" Among the biggest successes of the Facebook program of the Facebook program is operation Farmville, which the CIA credits with pacifying as many as 85 million people after unemployment rates rose dramatically.
Other features, such as the suggested friends window, have been instrumental in allowing government agents to infiltrate deeper into the friend networks of suspected dissidents.
For some expert analysis now on the story, let's check in with the "Fact Zone's" first responders.
Jason, you have written extensively about the Facebook program.
Why is it so effective? Why is it so effective? Well, one of the key reasons is that the CIA has been so thorough in convincing the nation that constantly sharing information about everything that you're doing is somehow desirable instead of deeply unsettling.
You know, the critics are saying that with the national debt being so high, is this really the time to be spending even more money on spy programs? Well, actually, the Facebook program saves the CIA money.
That's right.
Uh, like the maps application, where you list every place that you've been, whether it's the state or a country or oh, right, with the little pins that show where you visited.
Yeah.
I like that.
That kind of information would've taken the CIA months of going through, uh, hotel receipts and plane tickets to figure it all out.
The manpower that Facebook saves is huge.
Yeah, absolutely-absolutely.
And-and the calendar feature even lets the CIA know where you're gonna be in advance, so that's a right.
So, now if they wanna pick you up for questioning, all they have to do is see which events you RSVPed yes to and then send their agents to be waiting for you.
That's how they got my brother.
So effective.
But, guys, with all the focus on the Facebook program, is it taking away from some of the other CIA programs, like the Twitter initiative? Oh, yeah.
The funding for that should be cut entirely.
Right.
Four billion tweets and not one useful bit of data was ever transmitted.
Oh, well, that's true.
Now, is this trend of social network information gathering dangerous? I me "the New York times" revealed that Al-Qaeda has designed four square to identify popular locations for bombing.
Actually, Brooke, that's been, uh, discredited as any kind of real threat.
The people that use that site are people that no one would mind seeing bombed anyway, so oh, I didn't know that.
Really, the-the only thing the CIA has to be concerned about is people losing interest in Facebook and moving on to a new social network site, like the Chinese site Wanbe.
I love Wanbe.
Are you guys on Wanbe? Oh, Wanbe, yeah.
It's so much more fun than Facebook.
Than Facebook.
I love that one.
I love that you can earn friend points the more state secrets that you post.
You know, I've got a lot of contacts in the state department.
You know, I think I could really rack 'em up.
You should post 'em up.
I should.
I should.
All right, first responders.
Thank you so much, as always.
You know, I am, of course, a big fan of any social networking site.
It allows me to interact with my fans without having to see, hear, or smell them.
Well, it's taken months of preparation, of preparation, but it's finally here.
Today marks the first day of Washington's historic summit with real America.
The meeting between diplomats from dc and representatives of real America is hoped to quell long simmering tensions between the two powers.
We've got a long way to go until we're as close with real America as we are with allies like Canada or the uk, but this is a starting place.
Washington is going into the talks with one goal to convince the Americans to halt their near constant barrage of negativity against everything Washington tries to do.
America, on the other hand, is seeking a formal apology from Washington for failing to accomplish anything at all since the civil rights act of 1964.
I'm looking forward to traveling to real America and trying some of their regional delicacies like velveeta cheese and box juices.
We in Washington simply wish to extend an olive branch and offer the real Americans a friendly hello, or as they would say in their native language, "how are ya'll doin'?" As a gesture, congress also allocated $1,500 congress also allocated $1,500 to buy, quote, "comfy sweat pants "and track suits "for some representatives.
" Apparently, that is the traditional garb of real Americans.
I backpacked through real American once when I was just out of college.
I count that among the three mistakes I've ever made in my life.
All right, let's head over now to Tucker hope at the recon wall for today's daily briefing of other important stories that we're watching.
Tucker.
Tucker.
Thanks very much, Brooke.
Let's get right to it.
I'm gonna take you to New York, where state senator Matthew osgood is under fire from colleagues for accepting an insultingly cheap bribe.
Osgood allegedly promised an FBI informant lucrative state contracts in exchange for $3,000.
New York officials were, of course, outraged.
Three thousand dollars is a crime.
Matthew osgood brought shame on New York, a glorious state that shouldn't be sold out for any less than $250,000 and a large boat.
And across the country, proponents of gun rights are celebrating today following a supreme court decision to uphold a citizen's right to carry a gun at head level in public.
While critics have long claimed the practice is dangerous, gun advocates say holding a gun at head level at all times is necessary for self-defense.
A man can't feel safe unless he knows his gun is pointed at every other man's temple.
I'm a single mom, so I-I can't take chances with my baby's safety.
The nra is hoping that this ruling will push the courts to recognize other gun owner rights, such as the right to put a gun in someone's mouth while crushing their throat with his boot.
And in some more supreme court justice news, the beltway is buzzing after Stephen Breyer was spotted crying yesterday outside of a doctor's office, leading to a frenzy of political speculation that the associate justice might have an incurable disease, which would require president Obama to nominate someone new to the nation's highest court.
Dc wonks have vowed to be more careful than last year when they misdiagnosed justice Kennedy's head cold as possible tuberculosis and Scalia's food allergy as the German measles.
As the German measles.
Nonetheless, a "Washington post" columnist predicated that if it's aids, Breyer could potently serve another five years, but if it's lung cancer, Obama will have to make a new appointment before summer.
Brooke.
Thanks, Tucker.
So, what's your guess for Breyer? I'm gonna go with lymphoma.
Uh, I was gonna say cardiovascular disease, but I think you're probably right, Brooke.
It's probably lymphoma.
Tucker and I love to play this game.
Well, we need to take a short break, right now, but you can always stay connected to the "Onion News Network" online.
Right now, on our website, you can see the full text of the labor department's of the labor department's new jobs report that's revised the unemployment rate upwards to 72% after finding that millions of Americans were listing podcasting as a job stay with us.
You're back in the "Fact Zone.
" I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Thanks for staying with us.
We'll repay the favor with valuable information.
As you know, I make it my business to fight for those who can't fight for themselves.
Here's what's in my sights tonight.
I'm sick of people telling our nation's deejays what to do.
In song after song, musicians feel they have the right to tell deejays to turn that record up, play that song for me, or spin that track for my shorty.
It's downright disrespectful.
If you want to ask a deejay to play a particular song, would it be so hard to say, "hello I'm Beyonce.
"Would you mind putting on the "song that I'd like to hear?" Deejays are demeaned enough as it is.
The last thing they need is Kesha demanding that the deejay blow her speakers up, Rihanna telling the deejay to put the song on the replay, and Madonna telling the deejay what to put on because she, quote, "wants to dance with her baby.
" And while I'm at it, recording artists of America, you also don't have to scream at people to shake it on the dance floor.
They've come to a dance club of their own volition.
It's safe to assume they're planning to dance.
There's absolutely no call for barking orders at them to get their hands in the air like some kind of musical gestapo.
And that's what's in my sights.
And that's what's in my sights.
Well, this next story is the sort of good news that makes everyone smile.
A brave High School student in Denver, Colorado is being called a hero by many conservative blogs and commentators today after patriotically failing his Spanish class.
Jean Anne Whorton takes us "beyond the facts.
" As soon as Kyle Johnson heard about his school's policy of requiring students to take a foreign language to graduate, he knew it was un-American.
You know, I just basically thought Spanish sucked.
What's the point? I'm American.
I speak American.
Rather than go along with the policy, Kyle began boycotting his Spanish homework and leaving his tests blank.
Kyle also lost one of his Spanish textbooks and bravely spilled a Mountain dew all over another.
Do you see yourself following in the footsteps of great Americans like Thomas paine or Paul revere? Uh, yeah, totally.
I've never heard of those guys, but, um, I'm not gonna do any Spanish shit, and no one's gonna make me.
But like many other patriots throughout history, Kyle's views did not always make him popular.
His classmates dismissed him as obnoxious and a moron.
His teacher even punished him for his principled stand against Spanish.
How did you find the strength to keep going when people tried to silence your message? Um, you know, I don't really care what they think.
Like, they're a bunch of faggots, so, uh, they can all blow me.
Rather than be forced to learn a foreign language on American soil, Kyle eventually stopped going to Spanish class entirely and courageously began spending that time in the convenience store parking lot down the street from his school, trying to convince homeless people to buy him cigarettes.
Kyle, everyone at the "Onion News Network" were so inspired by your patriotic fight that we actually created a petition against your Spanish teacher.
Over 80,000 viewers signed it.
Due to that extreme pressure, your school was forced to fire senorita Miller today.
Really? That's awesome.
She sucks.
Thank you, Kyle Johnson, for reminding us that it's not just our troops who are fighting every day for our freedom.
From "beyond the facts," I'm Jean Anne Whorton.
I'm Jean Anne Whorton.
Very sweet.
Kyle reminds me of myself at that age, except I was living in Russia, training to be a boxer.
Well, there is some good news today for fans of "former warlord.
" Our sister network, the onion broadcasting channel, announced that the megahit announced that the megahit reality show, which follows deposed serbian war criminal Zeljko Goran in his new life in suburban America, in suburban America, will be back for a second season.
In a lucky break for millions of fans, OBC's top lawyers found a loophole in international law to prevent Zeljko's extradition to the hague to stand trial for the death of more than 10,000 Bosnians.
Uh, we're very pleased by today's outcome.
Zeljko could've faced life in prison for the alleged murder of all those people, which would've been tragic for the American television viewing public.
The OBC legal team's victory means we can now all look forward to more zeljko antics.
More zeljko attitude.
You disrespect me.
I blow your head off.
And, of course, more Sergi.
No, you live in America now.
And let those girls out of the basement! I don't wanna let 'em out of the basement.
I wanna move to Serbia, so I can News of Zeljko's release already has fans gearing up for season two.
For season two.
And Goran even dropped by "today now" this morning to talk about his lucky break and promote the upcoming season of "former warlord.
" Oh, now, I understand this week's show is gonna be the wildest yet.
Yes.
The network, uh, plans this week to move a family of Bosnians next door.
I don't want to give anything away, but I kill them.
Very, very exciting! Sounds like a lot of fun.
And I'm not saying that as an employee of the same parent company.
I'm saying it as a lover of great tv programming who can't wait to tune into the OBC on wednesdays at 8 P.
M.
Starting next week.
And we're getting an update now about those ongoing diplomatic meetings between Washington and real America.
Apparently, talks have broken down completely.
Have broken down completely.
The "Onion News Network's" Jane Carmichael joins us now, live, from wizard bowling lanes in ewing, Virginia, where the summit is taking place.
Jane, what's going on? Brooke, representatives of real America stormed out of the negotiations a few moments ago after a heated argument over the issue of taxes.
Essentially, real America does not want them, while Washington does.
A historic sticking point.
That's right.
And the talks really seem to have spiraled from there.
A representative from real America apparently brought up the 2008 bailout of the financial sector after its gross negligence and toll booths, claiming both were unfair and, quote, "suck balls.
" Oh, those are harsh words, Jane.
And how did Washington respond? Well, they said the real Americans were misunderstanding how the fees were being used and then directed them to a website, which they said explains their budgeting procedures and allocations.
However, the real Americans complained the website is basically useless since it is written in a Washington language that is incomprehensible to most real Americans.
Yeah.
That's very unfortunate.
By then, things were very heated.
The real Americans began demanding more holidays, began demanding more holidays, specifically, uh, more eating holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.
There was loud agreement with this from the real American camp.
The representatives from Washington then just started repeating over and over that they heard the real Americans and felt their pain.
Oh, no.
And that's when all decorum went out t window, Brooke.
Went out t window, Brooke.
There was screaming, threats of violence, a scuffle broke out, and senator McCullough was injured after being bitten by real American representative George Petkin, a carpenter from Tucson.
Very, very sad that it's turned into this kind of thing, Jane.
Yes, it is.
All right, Jane Carmichael with a great report on, uh, the latest happening with that.
Thank you, Jane.
We'll come back to you for further updates.
We have to take a quick break now, but before we go, here's tonight's "Fact Zone" trivia challenge.
Who was the 11th president of the United States? And we need to know for later in the broadcast, so please email Tucker hope directly.
Now, don't go anywhere, or the bomb we've put in your skull will detonate.
We'll be right back.
You're back in the "Fact Zone," the last stronghold of truth in a land of deception.
Don't forget.
Tomorrow night, right here on the "Fact Zone," we'll be talking to the new president of Botswana, who's vowed to use the powers of the presidency to escape Botswana.
To escape Botswana.
But right now, we have some breaking news coming into the "Fact Zone," live.
Three midwestern states still suffering the effects of the recent high fructose corn syrup spill appear to have been hit with another tragedy.
A fire at a Clifton farms barbecue flavoring plant is spewing massive plumes of toxic hickory flavored smoke over much of Southern Iowa.
Over much of Southern Iowa.
These satellite images are just coming in now, and that reddish brown haze that we're seeing there is thick, suffocating barbecue flavoring.
So far, we've only gotten a few viewer photos from inside the affected area.
From inside the affected area.
It looks almost impossible to see through the deadly, zesty haze.
We're being told that it smells like a delicious backyard grillout but, in fact, contains such high dosages of salt and preservatives that it's deadly.
Authorities say, tragically, that 18 people have already succumbed to rich, smoky deaths.
The "Onion News Network's" don Abrams joins us now via satellite phone from just outside Leon, Iowa, near the perimeter of the cloud dime.
Yes, I can hear you, Brooke.
What is the scene like out there? Scrumptious but awful, Brooke.
Every breath you take here, your throat is coated with the taste of worcestershire sauce, cayenne pepper, brown sugar.
Hundreds have collapsed from the lack of oxygen inside the lusciously spicy yet honey sweet cloud, and many are suffering from medical experts here on the ground are calling "sauce lung.
" All right.
We're getting some footage now of rescue crews evacuating survivors from the cloud.
It looks like a pretty horrific scene out there.
Yes.
Now, we know that there is still a lot of the high fructose corn syrup on the ground there.
Yes.
It's making things much worse.
The smoky barbecue flavoring is mixing now with the standing pools of sweet corn syrup in ditches, yards, creating a mouthwatering yet deadly glaze for ribs and chicken legs.
This is leading people to exit their homes in an attempt to baste cuts of meat, and many are losing consciousness.
All right.
Well, our thoughts are with you, don.
Just stay safe out there.
The barbecue cloud is the worst food related disaster in this country since the 1997 chili's flavor explosion, which leveled six square blocks of irvine, California, leaving 58 people dead.
Leaving 58 people dead.
And in medical news, a survey of the nation's hospitals discovered a disturbing rise in incidents of a deadly medical condition called "shaken manchild syndrome," which affects men in their late 20s to 30s who still live at home.
For more, let's go to Stuart Adams with "the lab report.
" If you're the parent of a manchild, you know how frustrating it can sometimes be the piercing sound of his video games waking you up at 2 in the morning, his insatiable hunger and inability to cook anything for himself, the messes he makes.
Psychologist Dr.
Natasha mills says that, for some parents, the stress can be overwhelming.
Something will set them off, uh, such as their manchild will tell them that they don't know how to tie a tie, even though they're almost 30.
They'll start shaking them, and shaking them, and yelling, and saying, "what the hell "is wrong with you? "Why don't you get a real job "instead of working part-time "at a board game store?" "At a board game store?" The results of shaken manchild syndrome are devastating.
Trauma caused by the brain colliding with the inside of the manchild's skull can lead to cognitive disabilities, making it even more unlikely he'll finally marry the girl he's been having the girl he's been having a long distance online relationship with for six years, or it can even lead to death.
Or it can even lead to death.
It's extremely upsetting.
These manchildren are carefree, happy.
They have some of their lives ahead of them.
Ahead of them.
There is hope, however.
Many states are now forming manchild protective services agencies to educate parents about the issue.
He's not spilling cereal all over the couch or leaving his beard clippings in the bathroom sink intentionally.
He truly does not know what he's doing.
For "the lab report," I'm Stuart Adams.
All right, let's head over now to Tucker hope for a look at what happened on this day in history.
Tucker.
Thank you very much, Brooke.
It was on this day in 600 bc that the first settlers landed in Japan, seeking a place to freely enjoy tentacle rape pornography.
Tentacle rape pornography.
At the time, the Japanese lived in mainland China, where they faced persecution from a government that found their love of watching teenage girls forcefully violated by squid monsters to be distasteful.
A brave villager, Katsushika Jimmu, knew his people would never have peace to masturbate to masturbate to horny cephalopods until they had their own country.
He led the Japanese to build a ship, and they loaded it with food and tentacle porn to sustain them over a difficult ocean voyage.
After many days, they discovered a vast, pristine island pristine island and named it Japan, and named it Japan, which translates to mean tentacle caressed cervix.
Jimmu was crowned emperor and proclaimed, and proclaimed, "it is the unalienable right "of all free men "to masturbate to illustrations "of crying girls, "tied up in bizarre bondage, "being penetrated "by multiple dripping tentacles.
"This land of Japan "shall live forever "and be a refuge "for such perverts.
" "For such perverts.
" These days, the youth are more into animated demon rape, but tentacle porn still has a very important part of Japanese life, even today.
Of Japanese life, even today.
The Japanese flag represents a vagina torn apart by a monstrous, pulsating tentacle.
Also of note, it was on this day five years ago that the last historian who knew what the war of 1812 was about died.
And on this day in 1845, our 11th president, James k.
Polk, issued the first postage stamp.
Thanks to @2dan4you on Twitter for coming through with that name.
Brooke.
Thanks, Tucker.
All right, we have to take a quick break, right now.
But first, let's check the results of the "Fact Zone's" online instapoll.
Our question this hour what do you think of the military spending two billion dollars to develop cool new sunglasses? New sunglasses? Sixty-four percent of you said sunglasses for our soldiers are a necessary expense.
Twenty-nine percent said that's not even that bad of a deal for really nice sunglasses.
And seven percent of you initially thought they should spend the money on body armor but changed your minds when you saw how cool the sunglasses really were.
The sunglasses really were.
All right, now don't try to leave the "Fact Zone.
" Our guards shoot to kill.
Prepare to be scrubbed with disinfectant.
You're reentering the "Fact Zone.
" We're getting an update now from ewing, Virginia, where talks between Washington and real America broke down earlier.
Our sources are telling us that an envoy from corporate America has just arrived on the scene and brought both parties back to the bargaining table to solve the dispute.
It's important during these political disputes to remind everyone who is actually in charge.
Corporate America is looking forward to a swift and profitable, uh, resolution to their talks.
Well, that does it for the "Fact Zone," but keep waiting the "Onion News Network," where the cressbeckler stance is coming up next.
Jode, I hear that you're doing some endorsements these days.
Hell, yes! commercial.
them! all right, it should be a great show, jode.
I'm Brooke Alvarez, from everyone here at the Fact Zone, good night.
Here are some of the stories on our news radar, right now.
On our news radar, right now.
Military officials have announced success in bombing an Afghan wedding of a couple that really didn't belong together.
President Obama has begun getting advice from a wise, old white house janitor.
And a holstein has taken best in show at the westminster cow show.
Prepare for a full body scan.
You're entering the "Fact Zone.
" [ Music .]
I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Let's get right to our top story tonight.
Congress, today, reauthorized funding for Facebook, the massive online surveillance program run by the CIA.
According to department of homeland security reports, Facebook has replaced almost every other CIA information gathering program since it was launched in 2004.
After years of secretly monitoring the public, we were astounded so many people would willingly publicize where they live, their religious and political views, an alphabetized list of all their friends, personal email addresses, phone numbers, hundreds of photos of themselves, uh, and even status updates about what they were doing moment to moment.
It is truly a dream come true for the CIA.
Much of the credit belongs to CIA agent, Mark Zuckerberg, who runs the day-to-day Facebook operation for the agency.
The decorated agent, code named "the overlord," was recently awarded the prestigious medal of intelligence commendation for his work with the Facebook program, which he has called, which he has called, quote, "the single most "powerful tool "for population control "ever created.
" "Ever created.
" Among the biggest successes of the Facebook program of the Facebook program is operation Farmville, which the CIA credits with pacifying as many as 85 million people after unemployment rates rose dramatically.
Other features, such as the suggested friends window, have been instrumental in allowing government agents to infiltrate deeper into the friend networks of suspected dissidents.
For some expert analysis now on the story, let's check in with the "Fact Zone's" first responders.
Jason, you have written extensively about the Facebook program.
Why is it so effective? Why is it so effective? Well, one of the key reasons is that the CIA has been so thorough in convincing the nation that constantly sharing information about everything that you're doing is somehow desirable instead of deeply unsettling.
You know, the critics are saying that with the national debt being so high, is this really the time to be spending even more money on spy programs? Well, actually, the Facebook program saves the CIA money.
That's right.
Uh, like the maps application, where you list every place that you've been, whether it's the state or a country or oh, right, with the little pins that show where you visited.
Yeah.
I like that.
That kind of information would've taken the CIA months of going through, uh, hotel receipts and plane tickets to figure it all out.
The manpower that Facebook saves is huge.
Yeah, absolutely-absolutely.
And-and the calendar feature even lets the CIA know where you're gonna be in advance, so that's a right.
So, now if they wanna pick you up for questioning, all they have to do is see which events you RSVPed yes to and then send their agents to be waiting for you.
That's how they got my brother.
So effective.
But, guys, with all the focus on the Facebook program, is it taking away from some of the other CIA programs, like the Twitter initiative? Oh, yeah.
The funding for that should be cut entirely.
Right.
Four billion tweets and not one useful bit of data was ever transmitted.
Oh, well, that's true.
Now, is this trend of social network information gathering dangerous? I me "the New York times" revealed that Al-Qaeda has designed four square to identify popular locations for bombing.
Actually, Brooke, that's been, uh, discredited as any kind of real threat.
The people that use that site are people that no one would mind seeing bombed anyway, so oh, I didn't know that.
Really, the-the only thing the CIA has to be concerned about is people losing interest in Facebook and moving on to a new social network site, like the Chinese site Wanbe.
I love Wanbe.
Are you guys on Wanbe? Oh, Wanbe, yeah.
It's so much more fun than Facebook.
Than Facebook.
I love that one.
I love that you can earn friend points the more state secrets that you post.
You know, I've got a lot of contacts in the state department.
You know, I think I could really rack 'em up.
You should post 'em up.
I should.
I should.
All right, first responders.
Thank you so much, as always.
You know, I am, of course, a big fan of any social networking site.
It allows me to interact with my fans without having to see, hear, or smell them.
Well, it's taken months of preparation, of preparation, but it's finally here.
Today marks the first day of Washington's historic summit with real America.
The meeting between diplomats from dc and representatives of real America is hoped to quell long simmering tensions between the two powers.
We've got a long way to go until we're as close with real America as we are with allies like Canada or the uk, but this is a starting place.
Washington is going into the talks with one goal to convince the Americans to halt their near constant barrage of negativity against everything Washington tries to do.
America, on the other hand, is seeking a formal apology from Washington for failing to accomplish anything at all since the civil rights act of 1964.
I'm looking forward to traveling to real America and trying some of their regional delicacies like velveeta cheese and box juices.
We in Washington simply wish to extend an olive branch and offer the real Americans a friendly hello, or as they would say in their native language, "how are ya'll doin'?" As a gesture, congress also allocated $1,500 congress also allocated $1,500 to buy, quote, "comfy sweat pants "and track suits "for some representatives.
" Apparently, that is the traditional garb of real Americans.
I backpacked through real American once when I was just out of college.
I count that among the three mistakes I've ever made in my life.
All right, let's head over now to Tucker hope at the recon wall for today's daily briefing of other important stories that we're watching.
Tucker.
Tucker.
Thanks very much, Brooke.
Let's get right to it.
I'm gonna take you to New York, where state senator Matthew osgood is under fire from colleagues for accepting an insultingly cheap bribe.
Osgood allegedly promised an FBI informant lucrative state contracts in exchange for $3,000.
New York officials were, of course, outraged.
Three thousand dollars is a crime.
Matthew osgood brought shame on New York, a glorious state that shouldn't be sold out for any less than $250,000 and a large boat.
And across the country, proponents of gun rights are celebrating today following a supreme court decision to uphold a citizen's right to carry a gun at head level in public.
While critics have long claimed the practice is dangerous, gun advocates say holding a gun at head level at all times is necessary for self-defense.
A man can't feel safe unless he knows his gun is pointed at every other man's temple.
I'm a single mom, so I-I can't take chances with my baby's safety.
The nra is hoping that this ruling will push the courts to recognize other gun owner rights, such as the right to put a gun in someone's mouth while crushing their throat with his boot.
And in some more supreme court justice news, the beltway is buzzing after Stephen Breyer was spotted crying yesterday outside of a doctor's office, leading to a frenzy of political speculation that the associate justice might have an incurable disease, which would require president Obama to nominate someone new to the nation's highest court.
Dc wonks have vowed to be more careful than last year when they misdiagnosed justice Kennedy's head cold as possible tuberculosis and Scalia's food allergy as the German measles.
As the German measles.
Nonetheless, a "Washington post" columnist predicated that if it's aids, Breyer could potently serve another five years, but if it's lung cancer, Obama will have to make a new appointment before summer.
Brooke.
Thanks, Tucker.
So, what's your guess for Breyer? I'm gonna go with lymphoma.
Uh, I was gonna say cardiovascular disease, but I think you're probably right, Brooke.
It's probably lymphoma.
Tucker and I love to play this game.
Well, we need to take a short break, right now, but you can always stay connected to the "Onion News Network" online.
Right now, on our website, you can see the full text of the labor department's of the labor department's new jobs report that's revised the unemployment rate upwards to 72% after finding that millions of Americans were listing podcasting as a job stay with us.
You're back in the "Fact Zone.
" I'm Brooke Alvarez.
Thanks for staying with us.
We'll repay the favor with valuable information.
As you know, I make it my business to fight for those who can't fight for themselves.
Here's what's in my sights tonight.
I'm sick of people telling our nation's deejays what to do.
In song after song, musicians feel they have the right to tell deejays to turn that record up, play that song for me, or spin that track for my shorty.
It's downright disrespectful.
If you want to ask a deejay to play a particular song, would it be so hard to say, "hello I'm Beyonce.
"Would you mind putting on the "song that I'd like to hear?" Deejays are demeaned enough as it is.
The last thing they need is Kesha demanding that the deejay blow her speakers up, Rihanna telling the deejay to put the song on the replay, and Madonna telling the deejay what to put on because she, quote, "wants to dance with her baby.
" And while I'm at it, recording artists of America, you also don't have to scream at people to shake it on the dance floor.
They've come to a dance club of their own volition.
It's safe to assume they're planning to dance.
There's absolutely no call for barking orders at them to get their hands in the air like some kind of musical gestapo.
And that's what's in my sights.
And that's what's in my sights.
Well, this next story is the sort of good news that makes everyone smile.
A brave High School student in Denver, Colorado is being called a hero by many conservative blogs and commentators today after patriotically failing his Spanish class.
Jean Anne Whorton takes us "beyond the facts.
" As soon as Kyle Johnson heard about his school's policy of requiring students to take a foreign language to graduate, he knew it was un-American.
You know, I just basically thought Spanish sucked.
What's the point? I'm American.
I speak American.
Rather than go along with the policy, Kyle began boycotting his Spanish homework and leaving his tests blank.
Kyle also lost one of his Spanish textbooks and bravely spilled a Mountain dew all over another.
Do you see yourself following in the footsteps of great Americans like Thomas paine or Paul revere? Uh, yeah, totally.
I've never heard of those guys, but, um, I'm not gonna do any Spanish shit, and no one's gonna make me.
But like many other patriots throughout history, Kyle's views did not always make him popular.
His classmates dismissed him as obnoxious and a moron.
His teacher even punished him for his principled stand against Spanish.
How did you find the strength to keep going when people tried to silence your message? Um, you know, I don't really care what they think.
Like, they're a bunch of faggots, so, uh, they can all blow me.
Rather than be forced to learn a foreign language on American soil, Kyle eventually stopped going to Spanish class entirely and courageously began spending that time in the convenience store parking lot down the street from his school, trying to convince homeless people to buy him cigarettes.
Kyle, everyone at the "Onion News Network" were so inspired by your patriotic fight that we actually created a petition against your Spanish teacher.
Over 80,000 viewers signed it.
Due to that extreme pressure, your school was forced to fire senorita Miller today.
Really? That's awesome.
She sucks.
Thank you, Kyle Johnson, for reminding us that it's not just our troops who are fighting every day for our freedom.
From "beyond the facts," I'm Jean Anne Whorton.
I'm Jean Anne Whorton.
Very sweet.
Kyle reminds me of myself at that age, except I was living in Russia, training to be a boxer.
Well, there is some good news today for fans of "former warlord.
" Our sister network, the onion broadcasting channel, announced that the megahit announced that the megahit reality show, which follows deposed serbian war criminal Zeljko Goran in his new life in suburban America, in suburban America, will be back for a second season.
In a lucky break for millions of fans, OBC's top lawyers found a loophole in international law to prevent Zeljko's extradition to the hague to stand trial for the death of more than 10,000 Bosnians.
Uh, we're very pleased by today's outcome.
Zeljko could've faced life in prison for the alleged murder of all those people, which would've been tragic for the American television viewing public.
The OBC legal team's victory means we can now all look forward to more zeljko antics.
More zeljko attitude.
You disrespect me.
I blow your head off.
And, of course, more Sergi.
No, you live in America now.
And let those girls out of the basement! I don't wanna let 'em out of the basement.
I wanna move to Serbia, so I can News of Zeljko's release already has fans gearing up for season two.
For season two.
And Goran even dropped by "today now" this morning to talk about his lucky break and promote the upcoming season of "former warlord.
" Oh, now, I understand this week's show is gonna be the wildest yet.
Yes.
The network, uh, plans this week to move a family of Bosnians next door.
I don't want to give anything away, but I kill them.
Very, very exciting! Sounds like a lot of fun.
And I'm not saying that as an employee of the same parent company.
I'm saying it as a lover of great tv programming who can't wait to tune into the OBC on wednesdays at 8 P.
M.
Starting next week.
And we're getting an update now about those ongoing diplomatic meetings between Washington and real America.
Apparently, talks have broken down completely.
Have broken down completely.
The "Onion News Network's" Jane Carmichael joins us now, live, from wizard bowling lanes in ewing, Virginia, where the summit is taking place.
Jane, what's going on? Brooke, representatives of real America stormed out of the negotiations a few moments ago after a heated argument over the issue of taxes.
Essentially, real America does not want them, while Washington does.
A historic sticking point.
That's right.
And the talks really seem to have spiraled from there.
A representative from real America apparently brought up the 2008 bailout of the financial sector after its gross negligence and toll booths, claiming both were unfair and, quote, "suck balls.
" Oh, those are harsh words, Jane.
And how did Washington respond? Well, they said the real Americans were misunderstanding how the fees were being used and then directed them to a website, which they said explains their budgeting procedures and allocations.
However, the real Americans complained the website is basically useless since it is written in a Washington language that is incomprehensible to most real Americans.
Yeah.
That's very unfortunate.
By then, things were very heated.
The real Americans began demanding more holidays, began demanding more holidays, specifically, uh, more eating holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.
There was loud agreement with this from the real American camp.
The representatives from Washington then just started repeating over and over that they heard the real Americans and felt their pain.
Oh, no.
And that's when all decorum went out t window, Brooke.
Went out t window, Brooke.
There was screaming, threats of violence, a scuffle broke out, and senator McCullough was injured after being bitten by real American representative George Petkin, a carpenter from Tucson.
Very, very sad that it's turned into this kind of thing, Jane.
Yes, it is.
All right, Jane Carmichael with a great report on, uh, the latest happening with that.
Thank you, Jane.
We'll come back to you for further updates.
We have to take a quick break now, but before we go, here's tonight's "Fact Zone" trivia challenge.
Who was the 11th president of the United States? And we need to know for later in the broadcast, so please email Tucker hope directly.
Now, don't go anywhere, or the bomb we've put in your skull will detonate.
We'll be right back.
You're back in the "Fact Zone," the last stronghold of truth in a land of deception.
Don't forget.
Tomorrow night, right here on the "Fact Zone," we'll be talking to the new president of Botswana, who's vowed to use the powers of the presidency to escape Botswana.
To escape Botswana.
But right now, we have some breaking news coming into the "Fact Zone," live.
Three midwestern states still suffering the effects of the recent high fructose corn syrup spill appear to have been hit with another tragedy.
A fire at a Clifton farms barbecue flavoring plant is spewing massive plumes of toxic hickory flavored smoke over much of Southern Iowa.
Over much of Southern Iowa.
These satellite images are just coming in now, and that reddish brown haze that we're seeing there is thick, suffocating barbecue flavoring.
So far, we've only gotten a few viewer photos from inside the affected area.
From inside the affected area.
It looks almost impossible to see through the deadly, zesty haze.
We're being told that it smells like a delicious backyard grillout but, in fact, contains such high dosages of salt and preservatives that it's deadly.
Authorities say, tragically, that 18 people have already succumbed to rich, smoky deaths.
The "Onion News Network's" don Abrams joins us now via satellite phone from just outside Leon, Iowa, near the perimeter of the cloud dime.
Yes, I can hear you, Brooke.
What is the scene like out there? Scrumptious but awful, Brooke.
Every breath you take here, your throat is coated with the taste of worcestershire sauce, cayenne pepper, brown sugar.
Hundreds have collapsed from the lack of oxygen inside the lusciously spicy yet honey sweet cloud, and many are suffering from medical experts here on the ground are calling "sauce lung.
" All right.
We're getting some footage now of rescue crews evacuating survivors from the cloud.
It looks like a pretty horrific scene out there.
Yes.
Now, we know that there is still a lot of the high fructose corn syrup on the ground there.
Yes.
It's making things much worse.
The smoky barbecue flavoring is mixing now with the standing pools of sweet corn syrup in ditches, yards, creating a mouthwatering yet deadly glaze for ribs and chicken legs.
This is leading people to exit their homes in an attempt to baste cuts of meat, and many are losing consciousness.
All right.
Well, our thoughts are with you, don.
Just stay safe out there.
The barbecue cloud is the worst food related disaster in this country since the 1997 chili's flavor explosion, which leveled six square blocks of irvine, California, leaving 58 people dead.
Leaving 58 people dead.
And in medical news, a survey of the nation's hospitals discovered a disturbing rise in incidents of a deadly medical condition called "shaken manchild syndrome," which affects men in their late 20s to 30s who still live at home.
For more, let's go to Stuart Adams with "the lab report.
" If you're the parent of a manchild, you know how frustrating it can sometimes be the piercing sound of his video games waking you up at 2 in the morning, his insatiable hunger and inability to cook anything for himself, the messes he makes.
Psychologist Dr.
Natasha mills says that, for some parents, the stress can be overwhelming.
Something will set them off, uh, such as their manchild will tell them that they don't know how to tie a tie, even though they're almost 30.
They'll start shaking them, and shaking them, and yelling, and saying, "what the hell "is wrong with you? "Why don't you get a real job "instead of working part-time "at a board game store?" "At a board game store?" The results of shaken manchild syndrome are devastating.
Trauma caused by the brain colliding with the inside of the manchild's skull can lead to cognitive disabilities, making it even more unlikely he'll finally marry the girl he's been having the girl he's been having a long distance online relationship with for six years, or it can even lead to death.
Or it can even lead to death.
It's extremely upsetting.
These manchildren are carefree, happy.
They have some of their lives ahead of them.
Ahead of them.
There is hope, however.
Many states are now forming manchild protective services agencies to educate parents about the issue.
He's not spilling cereal all over the couch or leaving his beard clippings in the bathroom sink intentionally.
He truly does not know what he's doing.
For "the lab report," I'm Stuart Adams.
All right, let's head over now to Tucker hope for a look at what happened on this day in history.
Tucker.
Thank you very much, Brooke.
It was on this day in 600 bc that the first settlers landed in Japan, seeking a place to freely enjoy tentacle rape pornography.
Tentacle rape pornography.
At the time, the Japanese lived in mainland China, where they faced persecution from a government that found their love of watching teenage girls forcefully violated by squid monsters to be distasteful.
A brave villager, Katsushika Jimmu, knew his people would never have peace to masturbate to masturbate to horny cephalopods until they had their own country.
He led the Japanese to build a ship, and they loaded it with food and tentacle porn to sustain them over a difficult ocean voyage.
After many days, they discovered a vast, pristine island pristine island and named it Japan, and named it Japan, which translates to mean tentacle caressed cervix.
Jimmu was crowned emperor and proclaimed, and proclaimed, "it is the unalienable right "of all free men "to masturbate to illustrations "of crying girls, "tied up in bizarre bondage, "being penetrated "by multiple dripping tentacles.
"This land of Japan "shall live forever "and be a refuge "for such perverts.
" "For such perverts.
" These days, the youth are more into animated demon rape, but tentacle porn still has a very important part of Japanese life, even today.
Of Japanese life, even today.
The Japanese flag represents a vagina torn apart by a monstrous, pulsating tentacle.
Also of note, it was on this day five years ago that the last historian who knew what the war of 1812 was about died.
And on this day in 1845, our 11th president, James k.
Polk, issued the first postage stamp.
Thanks to @2dan4you on Twitter for coming through with that name.
Brooke.
Thanks, Tucker.
All right, we have to take a quick break, right now.
But first, let's check the results of the "Fact Zone's" online instapoll.
Our question this hour what do you think of the military spending two billion dollars to develop cool new sunglasses? New sunglasses? Sixty-four percent of you said sunglasses for our soldiers are a necessary expense.
Twenty-nine percent said that's not even that bad of a deal for really nice sunglasses.
And seven percent of you initially thought they should spend the money on body armor but changed your minds when you saw how cool the sunglasses really were.
The sunglasses really were.
All right, now don't try to leave the "Fact Zone.
" Our guards shoot to kill.
Prepare to be scrubbed with disinfectant.
You're reentering the "Fact Zone.
" We're getting an update now from ewing, Virginia, where talks between Washington and real America broke down earlier.
Our sources are telling us that an envoy from corporate America has just arrived on the scene and brought both parties back to the bargaining table to solve the dispute.
It's important during these political disputes to remind everyone who is actually in charge.
Corporate America is looking forward to a swift and profitable, uh, resolution to their talks.
Well, that does it for the "Fact Zone," but keep waiting the "Onion News Network," where the cressbeckler stance is coming up next.
Jode, I hear that you're doing some endorsements these days.
Hell, yes! commercial.
them! all right, it should be a great show, jode.
I'm Brooke Alvarez, from everyone here at the Fact Zone, good night.