The Orville (2017) s01e09 Episode Script

1 [JOURNEY'S "ANY WAY YOU WANT IT" PLAYING.]
All night, all night Oh, every night So hold tight Hold tight Ooh, baby, hold tight She said any way you want it That's the way you need it Any way you want it She said any way you want it That's the way you need it Any way you want it.
- [APPLAUSE, WHOOPING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Commander Grayson, everybody.
Come on, how terrific is she, huh? That's just great.
All right, coming up next, we have Lieutenant Commander Bortus.
- Where is Bortus? - I am Bortus.
JOHN: W-W-W-Wai-Wait.
You actually sing? Well, get on up here, big guy.
Let's show everybody what you can do.
- Good luck.
- Come on! -Yeah! -Whoo! [WHOOPING.]
Lieutenant Malloy taught me this song.
I will now sing it.
[CELINE DION'S "MY HEAR WILL GO ON" BEGINS.]
- Yeah! - [CHEERING.]
You will be silent! Is this is this happening? I-I [INTRO CONTINUES.]
- [ELECTRONIC BEEP.]
-MAN [OVER COMM.]
: Bridge to Captain.
We're receiving a high-priority message from Admiral Halsey at Union Central.
[SIGHS.]
: Send it to the briefing room.
I'm sorry to interrupt you during your off hours.
No, no.
Your timing was actually perfect.
Are you familiar with the Navarian-Bruidian conflict? Over Lopovius? Sure.
You might have to refresh my memory.
They're two races who have been fighting over the planet Lopovius forever.
They each say they colonized it first.
They've got some bloody history, and they're on the brink of war again which would be a disaster, because they're right on the border of Union space, and you can bet - they'll drag their allies into it.
- How can we help? An ancient artifact has been discovered on Lopovius.
The Bruidians and Navarians have agreed to allow it to be examined for residual DNA by a neutral Union archaeologist.
If either species' DNA signature is found, that race can lay claim to the planet.
I got to say, that sounds kind of shaky.
Do we really think the loser will honor the agreement? I'm skeptical, too, but that's what they say.
They've agreed to have the Orville host while they await the results.
The artifact is currently aboard the USS Olympia.
You will rendezvous with her in orbit of Lopovius, where you'll take on board a forensic archaeologist who will perform the tests.
And the Navarians and Bruidians are each going to send an ambassador and staff.
Pretty combustible scenario.
They loathe each other, so be very careful.
But that being said, as long as they're there, we'd love you to take one last run at informal peace talks.
The best option would be if they could share Lopovius.
Well, we'll do our best.
[SIGHS.]
: I know you will.
What about accommodations? Remember, these guys hate each other.
I can put them on C and G decks on opposite sides of the ship, which should lower the risk of them running into each other unsupervised.
-Perfect.
All right, let's try not to screw this up.
Gordon, set a course for Lopovius, and engage - quantum drive.
- Aye, sir.
Hard to believe that little planet is the cause of so much conflict.
Shuttle bay reports the archaeologist is arriving now.
All right, let 'em know we're on our way.
What's his name? ALARA: They're sending a personnel file.
I'll let you know as soon as I have it.
Send it to our comms.
Aye, sir.
[GASPS SOFTLY.]
Oh, my God.
What is the matter? Aw Ensign Brooks, put a hold on the shuttle.
The shuttle just docked.
[QUIETLY.]
: Crap.
It's Darulio.
The guy she cheated with? The one with the stuff coming out of his head? - How did you know about that? - You told me.
Oh.
Yeah.
Uh That's him.
That's our forensic archaeologist.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe this.
How-how is this happening? Yeah, I know.
Awkward situation.
I am so sorry.
Look, I've been digging on Lopovius for the past six months.
I just heard on the way over here it was gonna be you guys.
If I'd have had more time, I would have recused myself.
Well, I'm sorry you didn't have more time.
Look, Ed Can I call you Ed? I We've never actually met.
Well, you were screwing my wife at the time, so I guess we all kind of just forgot our manners.
Oh, for God's sakes, don't make this worse.
No, no, no, Kel, it's fine.
He's entitled to his feelings and the space to express them.
Look, can I just cut through some of this? I think we can all agree that the end of the bloodshed on Lopovius would be a wonderful thing.
And I think that's bigger than the three of us.
I'm just saying I'm here to work.
What about you guys? [ED TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Fine.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Hey, hey, guys.
Alara, show Darulio here to his stupid lab.
- [PRESSES BUTTON REPEATEDLY.]
- Ed? Were you just trying to shut the doors? No, I was not.
I know what you're thinking, but don't you even put this on me.
[CHUCKLES.]
: I cannot believe you slept with that guy, - I really can't.
- Here we go.
Is me apologizing for the 900th time somehow gonna make a difference? Did you hear what he said just now? He goes, he goes: I am entitled to my feelings and the space to express them.
My God, thank you for lighting me on fire and then giving me permission to be in pain.
You know what? I really don't like your tone right now.
Oh, I'm sorry, Kel, are you uncomfortable? Are you? Well, you know what you should do? You should [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN.]
[CHUCKLES.]
: Whoa.
Top brass alert.
Captain.
Commander.
- What's up? - Hello.
[ED SIGHS.]
We should get some music in these elevators, huh? A little soundtrack to our lives.
What do you think? Yeah.
We'll look into it.
Sweetness.
You know, I got some playlists I could send you.
Oh, yeah, it closes for you.
What do you want to do, Ed? Is-is there anything to do? Is there another forensic archaeologist specializing in ancient Lopovian pottery in this star system who you haven't had sex with? No? Then I'll be fine.
Yeah.
You seem fine.
[DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN.]
Your quarters are right next to the lab.
There's a food synthesizer in there, and there are lab techs standing by if you need anything.
Amazing.
So you know Kelly and Ed? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Did you guys, like, go to school together? Oh! Oh, man! I am so sorry! No, no, it's my fault.
I'm an idiot.
- Yaphit, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
It's all good.
What is all this stuff? It's nothing.
Just some stuff.
Uh, hey, can I get that back, please? -Hmm? Oh.
I'm so sorry.
- Uh - Just put it anywhere, guy.
[CHUCKLES.]
: You don't have to find my G-spot.
There you go.
Nice work.
Okay, I'll see you guys later.
And we're done with all of his shots.
What a brave little guy you are, Topa.
Thank you, Dr.
Finn.
Bortus, will you be home for dinner? I have already told you, we have an important diplomatic assignment - I must work late.
- Very well.
We will just spend another night by ourselves.
- [TOPA FUSSING.]
- [BORTUS SIGHS.]
- You guys having a rough time? - All we do is fight.
Klyden will not stop eating, the child never sleeps, and we have not resumed normal relations.
Why do people have babies? Well, the first year's tough.
You guys'll find a rhythm.
[SIGHS.]
Excuse me.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
- Oh, my God.
- Dr.
Claire Finn, - these are for you.
- Yaphit, I'm extremely busy.
Look, I'm gonna go for broke I'm here to ask you out to dinner, and I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
Then we have a problem because "no" is the only answer I have for you.
Well, let's see if you still feel that way in five minutes.
Hey, little girl I wanna be your boyfriend Sweet little girl - Yaphit.
- I wanna be your boyfriend Yaphit, stop it right now.
This is a medical facility, and you are - way out of line.
- Look, just give me a chance, huh? I really care about you.
I see how warm you are.
I see what a good mother you are to those awful boys.
I see how smart and funny and wise you are.
And I I love you.
Okay? I love you.
Yaphit, the answer is no.
Look, you've been coming in here for months pulling this crap.
If it happens again, I'm gonna submit a formal complaint.
Now go! All right.
I had to give it my best shot.
I won't bug you again.
[SNIFFS.]
Oh, hey.
Hey.
I just wanted to check in and see how it's going.
Oh, really well so far.
The detail in these carvings is really something.
When do you think you might have some information? Well, these scans will have to be analyzed, and if we find any residual DNA, that'll have to be cross-referenced against present-day samples of both species, so few days? Sounds good.
You didn't have to come all the way down here just to get a status update.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, um I do have something to say.
I really regret what happened between us, and it's never gonna happen again.
I've put a lot of time into rebuilding my relationship with Ed.
Oh, you two are back together? No.
Oh, God, no.
He would never trust me in that way again.
I meant as professionals.
I just want to make it clear.
Wha Wha-What are you doing? You just had a stray hair.
Oh.
Thanks.
What's different? - You look great.
- I gave up sugar.
And I'm doing an hour of headstand meditation a day.
- Really? - Mm.
You can totally tell.
I mean, the whites of your eyes are, like, super white.
Really makes your skin pop.
Oh, thanks.
It's all circulation, yeah.
And it really helps with everything.
Mental focus, clarity, you know, muscle tone.
Sex drive.
Yeah? Oh, God, you know, it is just so hard to take care of yourself on the ship.
It's, like, where's the me time, you know? Where is the you time? Captain, the Bruidians have arrived, and the Navarians are approaching.
However, the shuttle bay is reporting there is no one there to receive them.
Kelly's supposed to be down there.
Where is she? Internal scan shows her in her quarters.
What the hell? [DOOR CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
Kel? [KELLY LAUGHS.]
Kelly, the Bruidian ambassadors - are here, and there - [KELLY GASPS.]
Oh, no.
I [SIGHS.]
Ed, hang on.
I can explain.
I don't need it explained.
You're a sexual jihadist! Lower your voice and calm down, okay? I can explain.
Oh, am I yelling? Am I yelling? Are you worried people are gonna hear that you banged Darulio again when you were supposed to be in the shuttle bay preventing a war from starting? Are you insane?! Look, I thought we talked about this, okay.
We can both see whoever we want, isn't that what we agreed? Oh, come on.
You're not gonna pretend that that is not completely out of bounds? I like him, Ed, okay? I can't help it.
And guess what.
I have the right to like - whoever I want.
- Oh, come on.
You're not Whoa! We all have to stop meeting like this.
[ED SIGHS.]
[BEEPS.]
[KELLY SIGHS.]
So, did you have a chance to talk to anyone about getting music in these elevators? You know what, Dann? Why don't you make that your project, huh? Why-why don't you look into that? Will do, Cap'n.
[ELEVATOR WHIRS TO A STOP, DOORS WHOOSH OPEN.]
You are all barbarians! The planet is ours, and your colonies are a blatantly hostile incursion! ED: What's going on? They went from zero to furious in two seconds.
And that's your justification for the killing of innocent civilians?! What are we supposed to do when you attack our supply lines in order to starve us out?! Starvation would be too noble a death for your kind.
- Hey! No! - ED: Oh, hey, hey, hey, guys! Guys, guys, relax, okay? Just take a breath, all right? I know traveling's a bitch, but calm down.
We're gonna get you all to your rooms and squared away.
Bruidians, we have salt water for bathing in your quarters.
Navarians, we've programmed our food synthesizers to serve Cavellian Spiceroot for dinner.
Thank you, Captain.
Very thoughtful.
Now, look, I know you've both agreed to honor the results of the archaeological tests, but that means one of you loses big.
So here's what I'm proposing.
Why don't we meet tomorrow and just talk, see if maybe there's a way for you both to peacefully share the planet, just so we can say we tried? [BRUIDIAN AMBASSADOR SIGHS.]
Fine.
Agreed.
Look at that.
We're making progress already.
Terrific.
All right, so why don't you guys head to your rooms, relax, have a drink? Uh, minibar's on the house, so go bananas on those M&M'S, huh? All right.
Okay, so what happened exactly? I don't know.
I went to the lab to tell him there was nothing between us anymore, but then I looked into his eyes, and I guess I forgot how gorgeous he is.
Gorgeous? Really? Those aqua blue eyes against that deep blue skin? Ridiculous.
My mom redid our bathroom in those colors.
- I guess it's nice.
- Chardonnay.
He has this magnetism.
And then, the next thing I knew, we're back in my quarters.
- Wow.
- It's just [SIGHS.]
It's hard to explain.
It's like a drug.
Was it like that with Ed? Totally different.
Ed's the kind of guy you could send out - for tampons and bagels.
- Hmm.
And he always made me laugh.
That sounds nice.
Yeah, sure, but Darulio It's just this super intense sexual desire, and this rush every time I see him.
He's all I can think about.
So much so that you forgot about the arrival of the delegates.
Oh, it's fine.
It all worked out.
You know, I think the first time around with Darulio, all I could think about was how badly I messed up with Ed.
And maybe I was so busy feeling guilty that I missed something.
Missed what? That I'm in love with him.
Darulio's the one.
He's my soul mate.
Should I get bangs? How the hell could she do this again? How-how is this happening? Yeah, it's not ideal, but, I mean, it's not like you and Kelly are still together, so, - technically, she didn't even - No, Gordon.
We're not together because of that guy, okay? There is no way to spin this where her judgment is not completely off the damn scale.
Okay, well, you know what? Maybe just focus on the peace talks, huh? - That's a good distraction, right? - No.
You know what? I'm firing that guy.
We'll get a new archaeologist.
It'll be a minor delay.
But he is gone.
Darulio is gone.
Pack up your crap.
You're fired.
- What? - You're gone.
Right now.
What you did was beyond unprofessional.
It's your ship.
I don't want to cause any trouble.
You don't want any trouble.
That is [LAUGHING.]
: My God, that is hilarious.
- Well, it's too bad, because we're really making some progress here.
You-you want to see something cool? Do I want to see something cool? Have you heard anything I just said? Yes, I heard all of it.
And you're absolutely right to be angry.
I-I have no excuse, other than the fact that I come from a culture where it is considered rude to turn down sex.
But if you want to kick me out, I totally get it.
But I'd love to show you something first.
Come have a look.
[ED SIGHS.]
What? What am I looking at? Ancient DNA.
Maybe 30,000 years old.
Is it Bruidian or Navarian? Incomplete.
I need to do some computer analysis to see if there are any markers.
Well, how was it preserved? This artifact? Turns out it's a birthing bucket.
The DNA was found in the remnants of placenta recovered from inside of it.
- You're kidding.
- We should know whether there are any genetic markers in 36 hours.
Well, good.
Hopefully, that'll give us some time to broker some peace.
So, I should just give my notes to the next archaeologist.
Is that cool? You know, um, what'd you say, 36 hours? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Why don't you just stay, you know? I mean, it's We can work through this like adults.
For the sake of the peace.
If that's what you're comfortable with.
Do you, um Do you maybe want to get a drink later? Like, we could meet in the mess hall, you know.
Something like that.
Just, no-nothing crazy.
- Just-just a drink.
- Just totally cazh? Yeah, just totally, whatever, you know.
- 8:00? - Love it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Groov-ay.
[LAUGHS.]
Why did I? I don't I don't know why I just said that.
Groov-ay.
I I've never said that before in my life.
That's not how I talk.
I don't say those things.
That's [LAUGHS, GROANS.]
- I'll see you there.
- Yeah.
[DOOR CHIMES.]
Claire? I got off early today.
Can I come in? I'm gonna give that a big yes.
So this is your place.
This is it.
This is where the magic happens.
- What's that? - Oh, well, that's my bed.
Here, I'll show you.
Ah, it's nice just to be able to spread out at the end of a long shift.
[GIGGLES.]
Tickles.
And what is this? - Is this you and your mom? - Kind of.
My species reproduces by mitosis.
That used to be my mom, but now it's me and my brother.
He got the looks, obviously.
Yaphit.
Yeah? Do you want to kiss me? What? I, uh Yeah, totally.
I'd like that a lot.
Oh.
What, uh what made you change your mind? Forget about that.
Where do we go from here? Want to go for a swim? [INHALES.]
- [DOOR CHIMES.]
- Come in.
Hi.
What's up? Oh, hey.
Glad you're here.
I want to show you something.
Hey, how did it go with Darulio? Did you send him packing? Oh, you know, it turns out he's almost done with his work, so I just figured might as well leave it, you know? Really? I mean, y-you seemed pretty pissed.
Yeah, you know, we got to talking, and it turns out he's a pretty cool guy.
Like, really cool, actually.
We're having drinks in a half hour.
You're meeting for drinks.
Yeah.
I mean, it's just just drinks, you know.
It's no big deal.
It's not like we're getting married or anything.
[LAUGHS.]
- What? - Check this out.
Wait, are-aren't you supposed to be mediating the peace talks? What do you think? You're gonna wear that to drinks? - You hate it.
- Very much so, yes.
God, you know, I just I want to show some personal style.
You know? Darulio has such great style, and I just want to step up to that level.
You seem like you're really into him.
Not into him.
Okay.
But, it's like, what if I was? You know, what if I was? Why couldn't I be? Hey, you can be whatever you want, man.
I just want you to be happy.
I just didn't know you were I'm not into him, okay? But it's like, why do we have to be so rigid? You know, why do we have to have all these rules and labels and things? It's like, why-why do we have to put people in boxes? You know? Why-why even call a box a box? I think it's just easier to have words.
Easier for who? Not the box.
Maybe the box wants to do its own thing.
You ever think of that? Okay, I'm-I'm confused.
Do you want to bang Darulio? Bang, be banged, but why you so hung up on labels, man? You know what? You're the problem.
You are the problem.
You know what, instead of frantically labeling people all day long, why don't you take a look in the mirror? Huh? Do that for a change.
God, you should be happy for me.
I don't Wait.
What time is it? Oh, my God.
I'm late.
Listen, you gonna be up later? 'Cause I'm gonna give you a call.
All right? Talk to you soon.
[DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN AND SHUT.]
I'm telling you, she's acting really weird.
It's like she's not even herself.
Could be drugs.
- Our first officer is not on drugs.
- Uh, wake up.
This whole ship's on drugs.
Excuse me.
I would like to know when we can expect the results of the tests on the artifact.
They should be available soon.
Neither your captain nor your first officer have responded to my messages.
Is it your custom to ignore your guests? There's Captain Mercer now.
I'm sure he can give you any updates you may need.
Captain, I have been trying to reach you for two hours.
My people are becoming restless.
Look, just hang tight.
We'll have some info soon.
The Bruidians are openly hostile to us.
We do not wish to remain on the same vessel with them - any longer than we must.
- Look, just relax.
Okay? We'll have this whole thing sorted out - in no time.
Excuse me.
- [STAMMERS.]
Hey.
Hmm.
So, I'm standing - in this huge line for the bathroom - Hey there.
Hey.
Have a seat.
Kelly's just in the middle - of telling a story.
- Oh.
- Great.
- Anyway, so I overhear my Interspecies Diplomacy professor bragging to a bunch of people about how he thought I wanted - to hook up with him, and - With Professor Fincher? - Yes! The same.
- What? Such a scumbag, right? - So, then I walk up to him - Yeah, yeah.
You pushed him in the pool.
She pushed him in the pool.
Revenge! Girl power! Yay! Oh, my God.
I've heard this story, like, a thousand times.
So, how was the rest of your day? Ed, what are you doing here? Darulio and I made plans to have a drink, so that's starting now.
Our drink plan.
Well, why don't we just all have a drink, then? Sure.
Well, actually, we had some stuff that we wanted to discuss.
Um Oh, by the way, the Navarians are getting kind of cranky over there.
Maybe you could go distract them with your breasts.
You know what, I'm gonna grab us a drink.
- Everybody want a round? - Sure.
I'll have what you're having.
What are you doing? Are you messing with me? Is this punishment? Wow, what a narcissist you are.
No, this is not punishment.
I happen to think he's a cool guy.
You think he's a cool guy? Yeah, that's what I said.
Are you wearing cologne? So? Did you pluck your eyebrows? No.
Oh, I know these moves.
These are your stupid moves.
- You used them on me.
- What are you talking about? The accidental hand touching? The excessive grooming? I hate to break it to you, but you're not his type.
Well, we'll just see about that, won't we? Oh, this is gonna be so sad.
Yeah, maybe for you.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey.
- Here you go.
Let's have a toast.
- Ah.
To old friends.
To new beginnings.
Commander, the Bruidians are asking to speak with the bridge.
Put them through.
Good day, Ambassador.
I trust you slept well last night.
Where is the captain? I am Lieutenant Commander Bortus.
Captain Mercer is attending - to other matters.
- We have reason to believe that the Navarians are exerting an influence over the test, and I have not been able to reach Captain Mercer or Commander Grayson.
I assure you, no one is getting special treatment.
I want to speak to Captain Mercer.
I will look into the matter and contact you soon.
Bridge out.
Where are the captain and the commander? The last time I saw them, they were in the mess hall.
But, sir the commander's been acting very weird lately.
Weird? Well, she's, like, obsessed with Darulio.
- It's all she talks about.
- You know, Ed's been acting really strange with Darulio, too.
He seems kind of into him.
What do you mean "into him"? I mean, into him.
Your statement is confusing.
Has the captain entered Mr.
Darulio in some fashion? Not yet.
Marcus, Ty.
What are you guys doing on the bridge? My mom's been locked in her office for hours, and she won't answer the door.
[DOOR CHIMES.]
Claire, are you in there? Oh, my God! [SIGHS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
All right.
Now, what can I do for you? What the hell did I just walk in on? Yeah, you're lucky I'm so easygoing.
There's a little thing called privacy, you know.
Claire, we are in sickbay.
And you were just doing I don't know what with Yaphit.
You hate Yaphit! Alara, I just never gave him a chance.
But when I finally allowed myself to take down my walls, I realized what an idiot I've been.
Yaphit and I are soul mates.
We're going to get married.
Yeah, a lot of soul mates around here lately.
My God! You should be happy for me.
I'm in love.
[OVER COMM.]
: Bortus to Lieutenant Kitan.
Hang on.
Just stay right there.
[SIGHS.]
Go ahead.
The Bruidians and the Navarians are both threatening to withdraw from the agreement and to settle their conflict in battle.
Oh, great.
The computer shows the captain and the commander near Science Lab 1, but they are not responding.
I'm on my way there.
Tell the delegates to stand by.
Are you all done in there? I want to go for round two.
Yaphit, listen to me.
You are not to have any contact with Claire until I figure out what's going on.
- Understand? - Hey, man, the jelly wants what the jelly wants.
Not today.
I am giving you a direct order.
Go back to your quarters, and do not answer the door.
Wait, wh-why? Because I said so! You have beautiful hands.
Thank you.
Well, based on the computer's progress, we should have our answers very shortly.
[SIGHS.]
You're a genius.
[DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN.]
Hey, Dar.
Hey, listen, I know it's your last night here, and since you have to work late, I made us a little dinner.
Some sandwiches.
Banana bread.
- Bottle of rosé.
- That is so sweet.
Oh, it's just like the dinner I made for you when you were studying for your officer's exam.
This isn't your dry-ass banana bread, Kelly.
This is my own recipe.
I thought maybe we could have a little picnic, - just you and me.
- Oh, sounds great.
But I-I thought we were gonna watch a movie.
Oh.
W-Well, Ed was being so thoughtful, and I'd hate for all that good food to go to waste.
- Okay.
- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN.]
Commander, the delegates are at the boiling point.
I really think now's the time for that mediation.
Oh, they've been squawkin' since they got here.
- They'll be fine.
- Sir.
I really think it's important.
Besides, I need to talk to Darulio, anyway.
There's been a technical issue with his security clearance.
It's fine.
We'll go.
Ed didn't have any other plans, anyway.
All right, fine.
- Dinner in my quarters after? - Deal.
Yes! Alara to Isaac.
Do me a favor and escort the delegates to the conference room.
ISAAC [OVER COMM.]
: Yes, Lieutenant.
Okay, what the hell's going on here? What are you talking about? I want to know what you're doing to the captain, the commander and Dr.
Finn.
They're all acting like insane teenagers, and it started when you came on board.
Talk.
Okay, you got me.
Once a year, members of my species go through heat.
We release a pheromone though our skin to help us attract mates.
It's transferred through touch.
I didn't mean to affect Ed and Kelly, but it probably happened when we shook hands in the shuttle bay.
And now they're both in artificial, crippling love with you.
Oh, there's nothing artificial about it.
They're experiencing feelings.
Chemically induced feelings, I grant you, but feelings nonetheless.
And what about Claire? Why is she all into Yaphit? I tripped over Yaphit in the corridor.
His gelatinous membrane must have absorbed my pheromones, and then he transferred them to the doctor somehow.
He was bringing her flowers.
A gelatinous life-form as a Retepsian pheromonal carrier.
[LAUGHS.]
Could you believe it? Oh, so this is all just a big joke to you.
Look, it's harmless.
The worst thing that happens we all have great sex.
- It'll pass.
- When? A few days.
You do realize that if the Bruidians and the Navarians go to war, it's all your fault.
Girlfriend, you are making way too big a deal of this.
We're going to sickbay.
Now.
- You're a snake.
- Hey, it's not my fault Darulio likes me better than you.
That's because he doesn't know what a piece of crap - you really are.
- [BEEPS.]
[BOBBY GOLDSBORO'S "THE STRAIGHT LIFE" PLAYING.]
Sometimes I imagine myself You know, there really is some justice in all this.
I wind up with the guy who you cheated with - during our marriage.
- Yeah, and when he finds out what a terrible decision he's made, he'll jump ship just like I did.
You can't hurt me right now.
You cannot hurt me.
I'm way too happy.
And you may as well be happy for me, instead of acting like a total bitch.
Sometimes my thoughts may find me in Mexico Drinking tequila, going out of my mind Having a ball on a couple of bob Hey.
I got 'em to put the music in.
Leaving the straight life behind If there's any songs you guys want to I'm sorry, but do you just ride up and down the freakin' elevator all day?! Is that your freakin' job?! She comes to me softly with crackers and beer - You're all good, man.
- Winking and blinking And blowing Sorry to keep you guys waiting.
[SIGHS.]
So, lots to catch up on, huh? - What's the latest? - That is what we would like to know.
Where are the results of the test on the artifact? They'll be ready soon.
Just be patient.
We have been patient enough! You have ignored our inquiries since we came aboard! The Navarian claim to Lopovius must be cemented! Over our bloodied corpses.
We shall be happy to accommodate.
We will make it our prime objective to wipe out your entire world, down to the last living creature.
You know what, I'm sorry, I have to interrupt here for a second, because I cannot hold this in any longer.
I have met the most amazing guy.
And you know how when you meet someone, you just have to share it with the whole world Enough! This mediation is a sham! You can expect the arrival of the Bruidian Fleet.
It will be met with a superior force.
Well, I got a date.
Well, that's it.
Nothing at all in the Union medical database.
It would appear so.
Thank you for your help, Nurse Park.
Guys, I'm telling ya, it wears off.
You're dismissed.
And confined to quarters until further notice.
[CHUCKLES.]
You guys are being so silly about this - You can walk or I can carry you.
- All right, I'm going.
Isaac to bridge.
We have analyzed a sample of Mr.
Darulio's pheromone, and there appears to be no known antidote.
- Acknowledged.
- JOHN: Commander, we got company.
Bruidian warships, 7,000 kilometers and closing.
Looks like their entire fleet.
Magnify image.
Scanners are showing a second fleet farther out.
Also headed our way.
- The Navarians.
- Looks like it.
Raise deflectors.
Oh, man, this is not good.
Isaac, where is the captain?! Internal scan shows he is in his quarters.
Bortus to Captain Mercer.
[OVER COMM.]
: Bridge to Captain Mercer.
- Please respond.
- [WHISPERS.]
: Don't answer, don't answer, I'm not here, I'm not here.
- And it's too late, baby - Bridge to Commander Grayson.
Now it's too late - Bridge to Commander Grayson.
- Though we really did Try to make it.
Those fleets are about to destroy each other.
I love your big blue head.
But shouldn't you be on the bridge? Ugh.
I'm always on the bridge.
This is where I want to be right now.
But you're the captain.
And there's a war starting out there.
The only thing I'm captain of right now is your taut physique.
Now get over here.
Here they are, Commander.
Order your fleets to stand down immediately.
My fleet will stand down when the last enemy ship is destroyed.
For once, I'm in agreement.
Your Union has been entirely useless in this affair.
We will handle it ourselves from here.
We cannot afford to have this conflict escalate.
Stand down.
Lieutenant, confiscate their communication devices - and confine them to quarters.
- Aye, sir.
Sir, it may be possible to reconfigure and extend our deflectors to create a partial barrier between the two fleets.
That would buy us some time.
Contact Engineering.
Isaac to Chief Newton.
How much time would be required to configure the deflectors to the following specifications? I can do it fast, but only with Yaphit.
He's the only one who can get to those conduits quick enough.
Lieutenant Yaphit, report to Engineering.
YAPHIT [OVER COMM.]
: On my way, sir.
Mr.
Darulio.
I know, I'm under house arrest, but please just hear me out.
There may be a way that I can help.
Where are you going? Claire! I'm, uh, I'm on my way to Engineering.
What are you doing with that weapon? Why haven't you called me? I've left you, like, 900 messages.
Um, yeah, well, I was told What, you just want to slime all over me and then kick me to the curb? Why haven't you called me back? Claire, I-I really have to get to Answer the question.
ISAAC: Sir, the fleets have opened fire on each other.
Chief Newton, what is the status of the deflectors? Sir, we're still waiting on Yaphit.
He never made it to Engineering.
Commander, permission to open a wide-band channel to both fleets.
- Lieutenant? - Trust me.
Do it.
You're on, guys.
Bruidian fleet, stand down and return to the home planet.
Navarian fleet, stand down as well.
I've reached an agreement with the Bruidian ambassador.
An agreement? Come on, you can tell them the truth.
Well, I I don't want them to know before my parents know.
Oh, my God.
You're going to make me cry.
GORDON: Sir, both fleets have disengaged.
They're heading away.
Well, everything looks good, Captain.
How you feeling? Uh, I'm fine.
Little weirded out, but otherwise fine.
- How about you? - Same.
I'm not looking forward to seeing Yaphit again, - I can tell you that much.
- Yeah.
Nurse Park, I'm putting a special commendation on your record.
The medical computer did the work, sir.
I-It was just a souped-up version of Mr.
Darulio's pheromone.
All we had to do was embed it in the Bruidian's sweat glands, and it was love at first sight.
The only hard part was getting them to shake hands.
All right, I think you're cleared for duty.
Thanks, Doc.
[DOOR CHIMES.]
Come in.
[ED SIGHS.]
Listen, I Can we just not talk about it? Ever? You know, I was gonna ask you the same thing, but I was afraid I'd sound like a dick.
You don't.
Well, even so I'm sorry.
Well, we have a more immediate problem anyway.
What happens when the pheromone wears off? The ambassadors are in love now, but in a few days they'll remember they hate each other again.
Not necessarily.
I just finished my analysis.
It turns out the DNA in the artifact is both Bruidian and Navarian.
They have a common ancestor.
They both have a claim to Lopovius.
They'll have to share it.
Well, that makes things a lot easier.
Yes.
Can I just say - that I feel kind of - Darulio.
Thank you for your report.
The Olympia has just arrived, and there's a shuttle waiting for you.
Okay.
Darulio, wait.
A year ago, when we met were you in heat then? Maybe.