The Proud Family: Louder and Prouder (2022) s01e09 Episode Script

(SQUEAKING)
(SQUIRREL SCREAMS)
Okay, ladies and Michael,
did everyone get their dress
for my quinceañera?
Well, my dad said he's not buying one,
so I'm just wearing
my mama's wedding dress.
Me, too, girl.
All I got is my church dress.
I got the pattern
and I made mine from scratch.
That's not the dress, Zoey.
It's not?
Well, it's what I got.
Well. Now, you're an usher.
You're really not gonna
like mine, LaCienega.
Maya, that's terrible,
you look like you're going
to a BLT protest.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
So, who's gonna be at this function?
Yeah. Is your cousin LaBrea comin'?
(LAUGHING) 'Cause she is so funny.
I hope not.
Remember the talent contest
at your party last year?
(YODELING)
-MICHAEL: Girl, no!
-(ALL LAUGHING)
It wasn't funny.
She sounded like a sick cow.
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
Okay, I gotta go.
Don't forget, we have a hair appointment
in Ms. Gina's in a half an hour.
And get rid of those disgusting outfits!
(DOORBELL CHIMING)
I'm coming.
(GASPS) LaBrea?
(ANGELIC YODELING)
(SCREAMING)
(SINGING) The Proud Family What?
You and me will always be tight
Family every day and every night
Even when you start acting like a fool
You know that I'm lovin'
Every single thing you do
I know I can always be myself
When I'm with you
more than anybody else
Every single day
that I'm headed off to school
You know there's no one
I love as much as you
-The family
-The family
Proud family
They'll make you scream!
They'll make you wanna sing!
It's a family thing, a family
A proud, proud family
Proud family
They'll push your buttons!
They'll make you wanna hug 'em
A family, a family
Proud, Proud family
Proud, Proud family
(SCREAMING RESUMES)
Cousin LaCi.
LaCienega, why are you screaming?
LaBrea! (GASPS)
-Is that really you?
-(GASPS)
Titi Sunset.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
By the way, you look amazing.
(SCOFFS) She better, as much as I've spent
on personal trainers and tofu.
-Titi Melly!
-(BOTH SIGH)
(KISSING)
Oh, Nena. Let me look at you.
(GASPS) Ah.
Just like your tía.
Melrose.
Sunset.
(KISSING AND GIGGLING SARCASTICALLY)
(BOTH SIGH)
Oh, I thought you renovated.
We did. We took out five loans.
Oh! This is cute.
(SIGHS) Where's Mom and Dad?
Driving up tomorrow,
they didn't wanna come,
but I convinced 'em.
Mom, I need money, I'm meeting everyone
at Ms. Gina's hair salon.
Ms. Gina's? (SCOFFS)
I can't even get a reservation there.
How'd you do it?
She's Suga Mama's friend.
-So this should cover everyone.
-(GASPS)
Ooh! And take your cousin with you.
She's probably too tired.
Oh, LaCi, see, I'm fine.
I need my hair done, too.
Then it's settled.
LaCienega, mi reina,
make sure you're back before dinner.
-(KISSES)
-(GROANS SOFTLY)
I will, Mommy.
Oh, and no snacks before dinner.
LaCienega, wait up.
-Hey, girl.
-Hey, LaCienega.
We didn't think you were coming.
Who's your friend?
That's not my friend.
That's my cousin LaBrea.
LaBrea.
(YODELING)
What?
-Honey, the glow up is real.
-LaBrea, you look good, girl!
DIJONAY: What're you on, that low carb?
Nice to meet you, I'm Maya.
I didn't know you before but remember,
you're beautiful regardless.
Por favor, can you please
stop gassing her up?
-Today is about me.
-(TIRES SCREECH)
Penny, if y'all don't stop lollygagging,
I'm going home,
I'm missing my stories and Papi, too.
Come on now. Stop fooling around.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
SUGA MAMA: Gina! (CHUCKLES)
That my girl.
Thank you for squeezing my girls in.
Well, as long as they are
not squeezed in before me.
I've been here for six hours.
Oh, relax, Martha,
you know you don't wanna go home
to those bad grandkids of yours.
Mmm-hmm.
So, this squares us up, Suga, right?
Well, that's until next week when I take
you and your bougie friend's money again.
I'm the top queen, baby.
We'll see about that, Suga.
Just make sure you leave that cheatin'
mutt of yours in the car next time
-and that giggling old Papi too.
-(BARKS)
-(GROWLS)
-Okay. Who's the quinceañera girl?
Me! And I picked out
the perfect hairstyle for everyone.
Oh.
That's interesting.
But hey, it's your day, child.
-Ooh.
-Ugh.
-If you insist.
-It's all right.
It's your day.
Yes, I insist.
It's my quinceañera!
You guys, what about this one?
(GASPING)
Ooh!
MICHAEL: Now, that's a statement.
It says, "I'm 15 and I'm grown, boo."
PENNY: You're so dramatic, Michael.
It does not.
All right, all right, it's settled.
I'll see you ladies tomorrow.
Tomorrow? I thought
you were squeezing us in
I am. Tomorrow.
Trust me, you don't wanna
make Martha and her girls mad.
(GROWLING)
Zang.
KG, how much is this costing me?
Not that much at all, Mr. B.
I got a great deal for you.
Five thousand dollars?
No, get rid of all this stuff.
Use your phone.
(CHATTERING)
What's with the signs, Oscar?
For what you're paying,
I gotta get something.
What are you talking about?
I paid you good money to be here.
I'll put a stop on that check.
(WHISPERING) Chips, ix-nay on the ign-say.
(GROANS)
So, Felix, who's gettin' hitched?
No one is getting married,
it's a quinceañera.
A quesadilla?
A quinceañera.
A quinceañera is a 15th birthday party.
You know, coming of age.
Are you kidding me?
All this money you spending?
Thank goodness my Penny
is never gonna come of age.
-Trudy, look who's here.
-(GASPS)
Melrose.
Tracy, so nice to see you again.
It's Trudy.
No, Tracy suits your you so much better.
So, there's no theme, Sis?
It's "A Night In Paris," Sis.
Oh. Really? Well, I've been to Paris
and this doesn't compare.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Then,
I doubt you have ever been.
(LAUGHS) More times than you
or your phony French accent.
(GASPS)
Sacrebleu! (MUTTERS ANGRILY)
Yeah, he's definitely Paris, Texas.
But don't worry, Sis.
It's all cute.
Well, except for ese DJ viejo.
-(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
-(CHUCKLES)
Matteo and I are booking Doug E. Fresh
to DJ LaBrea's quinceañera.
The theme, "A Night In Mykonos."
Except we're actually going to Mykonos,
not playing pretend in our backyard.
Mira, hypocrita. Dos caras, te voy a
-Take it easy, Sunset.
-(GROANS)
"Matteo and I this," "Matteo and I that."
They're divorced!
-She's your sister.
-(PANTING)
And godmother to your daughter, let it go.
Oscar.
Have you been working out?
-Wow.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
You can call me Snack Master
or Snack Mack.
And yes, I've been
thinking about working out.
On second thought, leave her to me.
-Come with me, "Snack Master."
-(SCREAMING)
I didn't say I was working out,
I said I was thinking about it.
Mademoiselle Boulevardez,
I will not tolerate her.
I quit!
-What did you do now, Melrose?
-(CHUCKLES)
I simply stated that Matteo and I had
a six-layer cake for LaBrea's christening,
which is the absolute minimum
for fabulous.
Oh, that.
That That's not the main cake.
The main cake has 15 layers.
The minimum for phenomenal. (CHUCKLES)
Ooh. "Phenomenal" costs,
Mademoiselle Boulevardez.
And I am changing the theme to,
"Diamonds Are Forever."
Diamonds? Oui, oui, mademoiselle.
That's truly going to be phenomenal.
And also, non-refundable.
FELIX: Sunset, come here.
What are you doing?
This is just her 15th birthday party.
That's all.
That's what you said about
her christening, her confirmation,
her elementary school graduation.
Well, I'm not losing this one, Felix.
Figure it out!
Lose what?
I'm the one losing.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
MICHAEL: Ugh.
(CLAPPING) Stop, stop, stop.
It may be LaCienega's quinceañera,
but it's my rep that's on the line.
And you two-left-feet-having, no-rhythm,
bumbling basics are not going to ruin it.
Uh, hold up, who you calling a basic?
What did you expect?
The music and choreography are trash.
Look, I created the choreography
and if you can't do it,
maybe you don't need to be in the show.
MAYA: You know what? I don't
wanna be in the show. Okay
LABREA: ¡Cállate!
Look, all you need to do
is switch up the dance a little bit,
get rid of that tacky song
and everything will be fine.
What if you did this?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
-Yes. That's what we need to be doing.
-ZOEY: That's it!
I've been trying to tell LaCienega,
but you know she's stubborn.
-(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
-No! We're doing my choreography.
Besides, you're not a dancer,
so I'd appreciate it
if you keep your ideas to yourself.
I'm sorry, prima.
I was just trying to help.
That wasn't very nice, LaCienega.
It's my quinceañera, Penny. Not hers.
So, you guys can either dance my steps
or cha-cha your tired butts outta here.
(MICHAEL SIGHS)
Okay. You heard bossy LaCi,
five, six, seven, eight.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
(LAUGHING) Stop it, stop, LaBrea.
Stop it! Girl, I'm ticklish.
(DIJONAY SCREAMS)
(GIRLS SCREAM)
(INDISTINCT)
Get off me, Dijonay.
That wasn't funny, LaBrea.
Come on, LaCienega. It was a joke.
Well, I'm not laughing.
Everybody go to bed.
Can you turn on a night light, please?
No!
Okay. I'm out.
Too much drama for me. Peace.
Me, too.
I can't handle the dark or the darkness.
I left my green tea mask at home anyway.
Zang. I was finally going to get to sleep
in a bed, all by myself.
(BED SQUEAKING)
(GRUNTING)
(AIR HISSING)
What's going on, LaCienega?
Nothing, I'm fine, Penny.
Look, LaCienega. You can talk to me.
Okay. Maybe not.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)
Zang, ladies. Y'all looking fine.
Y'all want a group picture?
-Yes!
-Yes.
Make sure you get my good side.
Yeah!
-(MICHAEL LAUGHS)
-MAYA: All right!
Hey. I thought I told you
to take this stuff back, KG.
Mrs. B told me not to.
Ten thousand dollars?
(FELIX SCREAMING)
Huh? (EXCLAIMING)
Good evening, sirs.
Can I offer you a Proud egg roll?
That depends, Peabo.
What did Proud put in it?
Could be anything, knowing Mr. Proud.
But whatever it is, I'm sure it's expired.
-OSCAR: Would you get out of here?
-(CLATTERING)
I assure you, we use only the finest
ingredients here at Proud Snacks.
What, Oscar? Horse meat?
"Horse meat?"
-Those rumors are just that. Rumor
-(NEIGHING)
(HOOVES CLOPPING)
-(NEIGHING)
-(CHATTERS)
Hey! What are you doing, Chevrolet?
It's Mr. Chevelle!
It's about to be, "Mr. I got my butt
whipped by the Snack Master,"
if you don't stop tossing my snacks.
Was that a threat, monsieur?
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) 'Cause don't let
the accent fool you, homeboy!
Trudy!
-(SNIFFS)
-Hey, Melrose! Where's Mom and Dad?
Don't worry. They're on their way!
That's what you said an hour ago.
Did you think I'm lying? Is that it?
No, no. (LAUGHS)
I'm just concerned, okay
What you need to be concerned about are
these Proud Snacks. They're disgusting!
She's lying!
-(HISSES)
-(NEIGHING)
Monsieur Boulevardez,
Mademoiselle Rihanna has arrived
and would like to know
where the dressing room is.
Whatever stadium she's performing in next.
If I'm not mistaken,
she is performing here next.
-Oh, Sunset!
-(SOBBING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
It's the LaCienega Boulevardez
quinceañera
and I'm the K-I-D, the Kid Capri!
-(CROWD CHEERING)
-Rihanna and Kid Capri?
(BOTH SOBBING)
How can anybody pay for this?
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands
together for LaCienega's own,
-The Quinci Crew!
-(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
-(CROWD CHEERING)
-(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(GASPS)
LaCienega, if I've done anything
to upset you, I didn't mean to.
This is your day.
I'm sorry.
Hey, prima, this is for you.
(SWEETLY) Oh, you didn't have to.
(RUDELY) Yes, you did.
(CROAKS)
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
Melrose, I talked to Mom and Dad.
You told them I cancelled the quinceañera?
How could you?
You know, you know.
They're They're just old.
They must have misunderstood me.
(AIRHORNS BLARE)
Ladies and gentlemen, show some love
for the marvelous, the spectacular,
the beautiful LaCienega Boulevardez.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Fireworks!
Oh, those better be from Mexico.
-(AIRHORN BLARES)
-Party people in the place to be,
make some noise
for the LaCienega Boulevardez.
(ALL GASP)
(GASPS)
Where is she?
PENNY: She's gone.
Mi reina! Felix, where's my baby?
LaBrea, is this some sort of prank?
If it is, she didn't ain't tell anybody.
We need to call Five-O.
-(POLICE SIREN SOUNDS)
-We are Five-O.
And judging by
the smoking ruby chunk glass,
I'd say this is a crime scene.
Everybody out!
Hey, Penny. I've got something.
Check this out. This is my drone footage.
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
(SCREAMING IN SLOW MOTION)
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
(PENNY GASPS) That's LaCienega!
Where did she go?
(SCREAMS)
I know where that is.
Mom, can we talk?
-I think I found
-Not now, Penny.
-But, Mom, I really need to
-I said, not now, Penny.
(GROANS)
Look y'all, check this out.
-We found LaCienega.
-(ALL GASP)
Did you tell my dad?
I tried to tell my mom.
They didn't want to hear it.
We gotta go get her ourselves.
But how we gonna get
all the way over there?
My bus pass done expired!
Wait a minute!
You know we can't ride these
without helmets.
Yo, yo! Got those helmets,
got those S&P helmets here.
Come on. Buy one, buy one.
(LACIENEGA SCREAMING)
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
(PENNY GASPS) There she is.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
I don't wanna die!
(SCREAMING) Oh, my gosh!
I'm so scared! (GASPS)
Oh! Help me! I don't wanna die!
Don't worry, LaCienega!
-We're gonna save you!
-"We", who, boo?
All we have to do is start the ride
and lower her down, slowly.
-(SCREAMS) Oh, my gosh! Somebody help me!
-Okay. That's not gonna work.
KG, can't your drone grab her?
It's pretty high, but I'll try.
(AUTOMATED VOICE)
Welcome to Suga Mama's Drop of Doom.
What is that smell?
What just happened?
DIJONAY: Sorry!
I was just trying to make things better.
Just let go!
I can't! I'm caught by my hair!
Cut it then!
Even if I would do something that stupid,
-I don't have any scissors!
-(CROAKS)
Don't you dare cut my hair.
Who are you talking to, LaCienega?
LACIENEGA: There's a frog
on my shoulder, with scissors.
Where did you get the scissors?
That's Sapo!
Tell him to cut your hair! Trust me!
No, I don't trust you!
You're the reason I'm up here!
I know! And now I'm gonna be
the reason you get down.
-(CLANGS)
-(GASPS)
(SCREAMS) Oh, my gosh!
LaCienega! I know I've been mean to you
all these years and played tricks on you.
But please believe me when I say,
if you let go, you will be safe.
She's been mean to LaCienega?
That mine, LaBrea.
(GASPS)
(LACIENEGA SCREAMS)
LaBrea! Help!
Oh, snap.
Well, that explains everything.
Explains what?
I'm, like, more confused
than when I watched Tiger King.
(SCOFFS) I'm still not doing it.
-(CLANGS)
-(SCREAMS)
I didn't want to be mean.
I was jealous of you
and Tía Sunset's perfect relationship,
your perfect friends,
your perfect quinceañera.
What do you mean "perfect"?
Your quinci's gonna be in Greece.
No, it's not!
My mom is lying!
I'm not even having one!
We're broke!
You're not broke!
FitgurlMel is your personal trainer!
Not since my Mom's check bounced.
I'm wearing three fajas
because my mom wouldn't let me come
if I wasn't skinner than you.
(GASPS)
-Really?
-Yeah!
And I thought if
If I attach that rocket to your back,
I could get rid of you.
(LACIENEGA SCREAMS)
And that way, I could take your place
and live with Tía Sunset.
Wow. Girlfriend is on some
single white female type stuff.
No offense, Zoey.
None taken. I agree.
LaCi, can you please
find it in your heart to forgive me?
And if you can, you know
I would do nothing to hurt you.
Please, cut your hair.
I wouldn't do it.
(CROAKS)
(CREAKING)
(LACIENEGA SCREAMING)
(GASPING)
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
I'm so scared!
LaCienega, are you okay?
Yeah, because I thought
single brown female
-was gonna do you in.
-(POLICE SIRENS APPROACH)
There you are! My baby.
Hey, Mommy, Daddy. How did you find us?
We're detectives, dear child.
It's what we do.
The question is,
how did you kids find her?
We're friends.
It's what we do.
So, what's going on? What happened?
Apparently, LaBrea's crazy self
Saved me.
Wait. My LaBrea?
LaBrea, LaBrea?
Impossible.
Yes, Titi Melly.
I stood too close to a firecracker
and the next thing I knew,
I was hanging from Suga Mama's dentures.
But LaBrea talked me down.
Right, LaBrea?
Yeah, yeah. Right.
I totally talked her down.
Well, let's get back to the party
before somebody has to talk me down.
'Cause there's about $1,000 worth
of shrimp that's about to go bad.
And if they go bad, everybody goes bad!
(ALL LAUGHING)
(AUTOMATED VOICE)
Welcome to Suga Mama's Drop of Doom.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Papi, where is Kid Capri?
We're paying him a lot of money.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(WHIMPERING)
Nobody replaces my Papi.
Not on the ones and twos.
KID CAPRI: I'll get you free videotapes.
You don't want problems with me.
We all good, right?
I know you got a VHS player, right?
No, boo, I got Betamax.
No!
I'm Kid Capri!
-(AIRHORN BLARES)
-(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Look, LaBrea told me what really happened,
and I had no idea the kind of pressure
I was putting on that girl.
I've been doing the same thing to her
that Mom used to do to us.
(LAUGHS) It's crazy, right?
It's, uh
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
That's no excuse.
Look, I apologize about everything.
Ever since the divorce,
I've just been really stressed
and taking it out on everyone.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
I wish we could be like we used to be.
I want my little sister back
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
(HORN BLARES)
(PAPI SPEAKING SPANISH)
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
-(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)
-(CROWD CHEERING)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
(CROWD CHEERS)
(GASPS)
I'm really gonna miss you.
Miss you too, LaBrea,
and I'll be sure to unblock you
on all my social media.
Don't forget Memorial Day, okay?
LaBrea and I planning a big spread.
Aren't we, LaBrea?
Yep! And no tofu.
(LAUGHS)
Then we'll be there.
Love you, big sis.
Bye, LaCienega.
Bye, Tía Sunset.
Bye, big, nice house. Bye, neighborhood.
Sunset, I've been going over the numbers
and I'm gonna have to get another job.
You're gonna have to get another job.
Papi, you're getting a job!
Daddy, thank you.
That was the best quinceañera ever.
I love you.
You've been going over what, Felix?
Nothing. As long as my baby is happy.
I mean we did spend her college fund,
but as long as she's happy.
(LAUGHS) Shut up you, big lug.
(MOANS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)