The Riches s01e09 Episode Script

Previously on The Riches.
Do you really think Dad has a plan? He stole the money.
Ma lost the money.
And now we're here in a dead guy's house.
We're gonna get caught, Di.
You know what happens if they find us? Know what happens to me? I go back to prison.
Once again, I listen to you, and this is all turned to shit! No, I wanna know if you're getting high.
- You know those little pills we like to share? - Yeah.
Do you think people like us have a little problem? I wanna know how you got clean.
You've been gone two days, Doug, same as the money.
People betray you, don't they, Doug? Dad, you stole 40 grand from the guy's safe.
That Hugh guy can't prove anything.
It don't matter.
He can still fire us.
That's why we gotta get it back.
So we gotta find a mark who's rich, greedy and stupid enough to wanna drop a load without thinking twice.
You got Rudy Blue to invest $500,000 in Panco? Could sell the hair off a dog, couldn't you? Maybe I should make you a partner.
Good mornin', Doug.
Know what I'm gonna say? Guess.
- I have no idea.
- Yeah, but guess.
- Well, you're in love with me.
- No.
Got a present for you.
Lookee here.
- "Employee of the Month, Doug Rich.
" - Pretty cool, huh? It's for the Rudy Blue thing.
And that's bronze-plated, man.
I never had an employee of the month before.
So I get you 500 grand, and you get me a plaque.
What? Not enough? Well, what the hell else you want? Gold watch? One of those iPod Nano things? Well, I was hoping for- No, I was expecting, you know, uh, a share.
- Share of what? - Share of this.
- You wanna be a partner? - A partner.
That's what you offered me when I bagged Rudy Blue.
That's what I went to law school for.
That's why I've slaved all my life.
No- Shit, Doug, I said I'd think about it.
- Think means "think.
" - Oh.
Well, I thought about it too.
It seemed a really good thought.
I wanna be a partner, Hugh.
I wanna sign partnership papers with a Panco pen.
I wanna learn the Panco secret handshake.
I wanna get the keys to some partners-only executive bathroom where the origami is cut out of origami shapes.
I wanna wipe my ass with a swan, Hugh.
Not even I get to wipe my ass with a swan, Doug.
Okay, man.
I'm gonna marinate it over, weigh the pros and cons.
Let you know real soon.
In the meantime, you need to invite me to a dinner.
- A dinner? - Exactly.
A dinner.
You invite me over.
I check out your house your friends, your family, see if you're partnership material.
Right.
Well, my house.
You don't wanna come to my house, 'cause my family is very boring at the dinner table.
We practice boringness.
A restaurant would be much more lively.
Hell with a damn restaurant.
You're gonna be my partner, I wanna know your life.
- I need to know how you do it.
- How we do it? How you live.
What kind of booze you drink.
You can tell a lot by the quality of a man's alcohol.
For all I know, you live in a damn igloo with 10 frozen babes.
Well, very close.
- Tomorrow at 8:00? - Tomorrow at 8:00.
I will call frozen babe number one, make sure our alcohol is up to snuff.
Bottle of tequila and some Grand Marnier.
And, um- - And you got any French champagne? - How much do you want? A case.
I'm havin' a party.
What's your mama's birthday? Is she pretty? Try that.
It's, uh, August 14.
Uh-uh.
This don't feel lucky, no.
- Try my birthday.
- Okay.
No, my birthday never works, except for that one time I didn't bet on it.
True.
Sad, huh? I need a number.
I need a number.
Let's see.
Oh! Just give me a little luck here.
- Um, let me see.
Let me see.
- 24210.
That is not a lucky number.
- Hi, Chunky Kay.
- Oh, Dahli.
Dahli, Dahli, Dahli, Dahli! Oh.
It's nice to see you.
You said you'd call.
Why haven't you called me? - Well, I've been busy.
I meant to.
- Oh.
- You've been out for, what, a while now, right? - I was trying to get settled.
Where y'all live now? Oh- See, I'm not living where I said I was gonna live.
Um, we're not in the R.
V.
No more, and, uh, my life- Well, the whole thing's kind of been unpredictable since I got out.
So are you sayin' you broke parole? - Well yeah.
- Oh, honey.
- Your parole officer doesn't even know where you are? - I'll send him a postcard.
It's all good, it's good.
It's been good.
It's been great, you know.
- Things are lookin' up.
- Is this your car? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm- I'm- I just lease it.
Oh, girl.
It is beautiful.
You know what? Let's go get a cup of coffee.
- I want you to tell me everything.
- Oh-Yeah, sure.
Let's go get a cup of coffee.
There's a place down the street.
Okay, cool.
So you'll meet me there? Yeah, I'll meet you there.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Dahli.
Start the car, Dahlia.
Drive away.
Just drive away.
Shit.
- Hey, Chunky Kay? - Yeah? I got a better idea.
You wanna ride with me? Why don't you come to my house for a visit? Okay.
Oh, this is my home.
Oh, my God.
This is like- Rich people live here.
It's like Cinderella.
It's a dream.
Is it yours? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, it's mine.
You're not trickin' me, are you? - I mean, you're not really the maid or somethin' like that? - No.
The nanny? Maybe some lady's comin' home soon? Uh, I'm-I'm the lady.
I'm the lady.
- Wow.
- Hey, you're right.
It is a dream.
Remember how discouraged you used to be crying yourself to sleep every night? And I told you, things would be looking up.
- Yes, you did.
- I was right, wasn't I? Yes, you were.
Wow.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh! This is bigger than our cell.
No! Our cell was at least two of those.
Oh, they're so beautiful.
Of course, they don't fit.
I tell you, Dahli, it's bigger than my room right now.
- What do you mean? - It's a temporary situation.
I rent a fold-out couch from a very nice lady.
- You-You don't even have a bed? - Somebody else rents the bedroom.
But I only pay $300 for the couch.
I'm out of prison now, and I've gotta find my own way.
Well, uh, yes, you will.
- Can I ask you somethin'? - Yes, you can.
How did you go from prison to all this? I mean, how is that possible? Oh, I didn't do nothin'.
I mean, it was Wayne.
Since when is your husband rich? Well, he went to law school when I was locked up.
In just two years, he got all this green? He went to law school on a fast track.
And then he got a real good job right when he left.
And he also made some real good investments.
That's him now.
So, baby, we got 24 hours to figure out how the Riches throw a damn dinner party.
- Baby, we're up here! - What's this? Oh, that's cashmere.
- Oh! - Yeah.
I'm the same, Chunky.
I'm rich, but my heart ain't no different.
Wayne, this is Chunky Kay.
She was my cellie in prison.
And she's a real good friend of mine.
Hi, Wayne.
- I'm sorry.
Chunky- - Chunky Kay.
That's what everybody calls me, 'cause I used to be real chunky.
Then I did theJenny Craig.
Well, uh, nice to meet you, Chunky Kay.
It's so funny to meet you, 'cause I know everything about you.
I mean, Dahli's told me so many great things, like what a man you are.
That's what we do in the joint.
We tell stories about how life was before.
- Can I use your bathroom, sweetheart? - Sure.
Well, you are a man, baby.
- Why is she here? - I ran into her.
It's fate.
What did you tell her? I didn't tell her nothin'.
She gonna stay for dinner, she gonna go home.
She lives an hour away.
I can't always be livin' in fear, Wayne.
I didn't even tell her I was a Traveller.
I mean, she my friend.
I tried to leave her in the liquor store.
I couldn't do it.
Are you happy, Dahli? I mean, with my family, I guess.
You don't have your braid no more.
- No.
- Mmm.
Good.
It's prettier now.
Yes, I know it's last-minute, but that's the point.
It's a last-minute dinner party.
That's what they call it.
It's immediate.
It's in the moment.
Excellent.
Our next-door neighbors will be gracing us with their presence.
- Whoo! Great! - Okay, so it's tomorrow night at 8:00.
Okay, bye.
But no one else is coming.
Frankly, we don't know anyone else.
We could always try strangers.
Yes, and speaking of strangers, where the hell is your mother? You said she was with her friend.
She is.
She's with her old friend, Chunky Kay.
I'm sorry, but doesn't anybody else think the name Chunky Kay is hilarious? - Better than "Fatty Kay.
" - She was Fatty Kay, but then Jenny Craig got involved.
We really shouldn't make fun of Mom's friend.
We're not making fun of her.
That's her name- Ms.
Chunky Kay.
If I was to call her Ms.
Slightly Heavy Kay, then that would be making fun ofher.
But she prefers Chunky.
That's how she introduced herself.
Hey, Wayne.
We had such a great time.
We bought dinner.
This is my old friend Chunky Kay.
I like a little ice and lots of Mountain Dew, please.
When you can't have booze, like me, you get real particular about your drinks.
Let's see how this is here.
Mmm! That's perfect, Wayne.
You are a great bartender.
- And you are a very pretty girl.
- Wow, thanks.
- I mean it.
- No, I just-You know, I don't- - I don't really care about looks much, so- - Beautiful people never do.
Life is funny like that.
- Can I ask you a question? - Hit me.
What were you in prison for? Maybe that's private, Sammy.
There's nothing private about me.
You-all are like my family.
In fact, just call me Aunt Chunky.
Okay, Aunt Chunky.
Yeah, that sounds good, Aunt Chunky.
I committed a murder, Sam.
My husband used to beat me real bad.
So one day, I killed him on accident.
You killed him on accident? I pray to God for forgiveness every time I see a certain kind of knife.
- So you went to prison for murder? - No.
Car theft.
Lady Luck was on my side, and I would've gotten away with it too until I got caught in a car I didn't own.
That was God's way of saying, "You don't have to go so far, Chunky.
Take it easier next time.
" - Good point, God.
- Yes.
God made an excellent point.
So was Dahlia all right in prison? Yes.
She was all right.
The first day I spent with your mom, I knew she had personality.
You know what your mom did in prison to earn money? - What? - Palm readin'.
You know, telling people what they're gonna do in life.
Life line, money line, how many kids they were gonna have.
You would be surprised at how many fortunes she came up with for them.
Then one day, I went to the library checked out a book and realized she was wrong about the whole thing.
She made the whole thing up.
When she came into the Joint, I wasn't bored no more.
It was like I got to be in her light, you know? Yeah.
Dahli, I gotta leave.
You have got such a great family but I gotta go.
What you talking about? We-We haven't even eaten yet.
I gotta get home.
If I come late - Britney and K-Fed'll take my spot on the couch.
- Who? The other tenant's pit bulls.
I mean, they're nice dogs, but I can't control 'em.
And if they fall asleep on the couch, then I end up sleeping on the floor because I'm scared they'll bite me.
They already bit me once.
Look.
Oh, my God.
That's awful.
Shit, you really got bad luck, man.
- You ever try throwin' salt? - Throwin' salt? - Girl, that is some sort of old wives' tale.
- No, no, no, no.
It works.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Let's think about your luck changin'.
- Throw salt.
- Is that how you got this house? Yeah, kind of.
So let's try it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
That in there.
I'm gonna do it too with ya.
- Okay, stand on one leg.
- Uh-huh, one leg.
- Close your eyes.
Lean on me.
- Lean on you.
Don't fall over.
Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky! One, two, three! Throw it! - Goddamn it! - Oh! - What the hell are you doing? - It's salt.
- What are you throwing salt at me for? - Trying to find some luck.
- Go wash your eye out, baby.
I'm- Oh, I'm sorry about that.
- Goddamn it! - Hey, are you okay? - Kiss my ass! Don't go.
Oh, Chunk, don't go.
Come on.
Don't go.
Don't leave me here.
Please, baby.
You gotta stay.
We got so much room here.
I don't wanna send you home 'cause of Britney and K-Fed.
The dumb-ass dogs are gonna bite you.
It's retarded.
Are you sure your husband won't mind? I mean, the man's got an eyeful of salt.
Aw! Not the first time.
Wayne, I'm excited about this dinner party, you know? I mean, I even went to the library and I found a book by Emily Post on how to throw a- a real fancy buffer dinner.
I got a real good recipe.
I'm gonna cook it up as best I know how.
But I have a right to have a friend.
- So would you stop bein' so friggin' paranoid? - I am not paranoid.
I am completely good-humored and relaxed.
- You are? - Mm-hmm.
- You are? - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'm just high-strung.
- You think? - I'm sensitive, you asshole.
- Some mushroom boat? Think we can make a mushroom boat? - I think you're mad at me and you're Just not expressing it.
Well, she is a risk.
And she is a little freaky.
And I think she's on drugs.
Not to be critical.
Well, what makes you say that? Just a feeling I got.
She's my friend, Wayne.
When you go to prison, people beat the shit out of you for nothin'.
I was lucky Chunky was my cellie.
She lived there a long time before I got there.
There was this one chick, she was like three cells down from us.
And I don't know why, but she hated me.
She tried to kill me.
But Chunky stepped in, and that bitch never bothered me again.
She was noble.
Man, she was noble, like a noble warrior in the shittiest-ass situation you could imagine.
She protected me.
She saved my life.
And now, she's here in my house.
She's alone, and she's having a bad time.
At least in prison, you don't have to fight a dog for a bed.
- She is in there looking at Sam's mural.
- So? - Probably just thinks it's a pretty picture.
- Oh, yeah.
Chunky Kay is clearly a lover of art.
So she's gonna stay here all day? You want her at the dinner party? - Why do you keep asking me this? I told you she was goin'.
- Oh, yeah? - When? - She got a job, baby.
She is the weekend supervisor at a sewage treatment facility.
Don't you make fun of her.
I'm not making fun of her.
When I was little, I too wanted to supervise sewage on the weekend.
- It's the best job she could get.
Come on.
- I know, I know.
- She's gotta be there by 2:00.
- Good.
- So she'll be out of here by noon? - She's gonna go.
- She'll be gone by noon.
- Okay.
- So you can quit sweatin' it.
- I'm not sweatin' it.
I'm very calm.
- Gonna get groceries.
- Okay.
Don't forget my pork rinds.
Bye-bye.
What are y'all doin' with all these boxes? Oh.
We're just unpacking, you know? We never really moved in.
- We just moved the stuff we had around.
- Yeah.
Who is Douglas Rich? Um, he is a friend of Dad's, actually.
And he just left his diploma at your house? He's on vacation, so we're just looking after a couple things.
We should probably take better care of that, 'cause ifhe comes back - he'll be pissed off about the thing- - That's a good idea, Cael.
We'd better clean up this house good today for real.
- What's the big deal? - Dad's boss is comin'.
- If he likes us, he'll make Dad a partner.
- Wow.
- What's that mean? - Yeah, what does that mean? It means instead of having just a piece of the pie, we might own the whole bakery.
- So you need to make a good impression? - Yep.
He's real curious about us.
Wants to see how we live.
- Then we need to keep goin'.
- Chunky Kay, I wish you'd sit down.
- You're workin' too much.
- Mm-mmm.
I wanna help.
I worked all my life for people I can't stand.
Why can't I do some work for someone that I love for a change? Besides, cleaning is fun for me.
I'd make a pretty good maid if someone was to take a chance on me.
- Who wants to be a maid anyway? - I do.
- No, you don't.
- Sure, I do.
I come pretty cheap, and I'm very good at, uh making order out of, you know, chaotic situations.
Well, I think you could do just about anything you put your mind to.
I just want a job that I can make a living on, Dahli.
Supervising sewage on the weekend don't pay my bills.
Oh, hey.
Chunky Kay, you're still here.
Wayne, take off your shoes.
Chunky just mopped the floor.
Thought you had to get to work by 2:00.
- Oh, the time has slipped up on me.
- Oh, dear.
- Should I call you a cab? - Yeah, sure, if you want to.
Great.
Might wanna get your things.
What the hell are you doing? Just huntin' for my White Shoulders, Wayne.
Right.
Well, your taxi's here.
Are you ready to go? Don't you rush me.
- Listen, let me pay you.
- For what? For helping us get ready for the party.
I don't want your money, Wayne.
You-all are like family.
I give my family money all the time.
That's too much.
No, that's just the right amount for special help.
Special help? You know, the help that comes in, helps out and then leaves.
Are you trying to bribe me? $500 would go a long way to getting you off that couch.
How dare you try to bribe me! Did it ever occur to you that your best friend in prison might not be your best friend in real life? Wayne, why are you so against her? I'm not against her.
I like her.
I mean, what's not to like? She's in there sniffing glue.
- God knows what else she sniffs.
- How do you know? - 'Cause I saw her.
- Well, okay.
Oh, man, all right.
She sniffs glue.
She's sniffin' glue! If you just got out of jail, maybe you too would sniff a little glue from time to time.
You know? Who are you to say that it makes her a bad person, you know? Maybe it just makes her a stressed out person or a person with problems that you don't understand.
- I don't give a shit! - She is a danger! She can threaten our way of life here.
Wayne- Oh, baby.
We got so much.
We are thrivin' here.
The thought keeps comin' into my head: What are we gonna do now with all this good fortune? What are we gonna do now with all this good fortune? Are we just gonna keep it to ourselves? We gonna build a big old wall around us so that nobody could ever get in to threaten what we got? There's a big old wall around Edenfalls.
You want to build one around our house? What's next? Maybe you wanna build one around our minds? - You know that's not what I want.
- It's not what I want either.
Take a risk, baby.
Come on.
Nothin' risked, nothin' gained.
Isn't that what we do? That's how we live.
We are different from buffers, Wayne.
We live here but that don't change the fact that in our souls, we are different.
And all I'm sayin' is every so often, it might be nice to share.
Just to give a little to someone who really needs it.
I wanna give her a job.
I wanna give her a great-payin'job.
I do.
All right.
Flowers, asparagus.
I got my book.
Oh, my God.
The salad.
Oh, I need a salad! You gotta have salad.
Shit! Gotta have a salad! Oh! Oh, my God.
Is it hot in here? Everything's ready in the dining room, ma'am.
Don't call me ma'am.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Look at that uniform.
Man, this whole maid thing's really weirdin' me out.
Don't all the rich people around here have maids just like me? Yeah, but, you know, I don't wanna be one of them.
I don't care, Dahli.
If I don't work for you, I gotta work for somebody.
Either I wear a uniform, or I don't make jack.
- Okay, just don't call me "ma'am.
" - Yes, I am.
I'm gonna call you "ma'am" because I don't wanna slip up - and say the wrong thing at the party.
- No, no, you're right.
In front of other people, Wayne is Doug and I'm Cherien.
- Knock, knock! - Nina! - I'm here to help.
- Oh, I'm so happy you're here.
Well, I know that, uh, the domestic sciences - is not exactly your forte.
- No.
Could you put this in the fridge and preheat the oven to 375, honey? - Yes, ma'am.
- Oh.
Yeah, Nina, this is- this is- The maid.
- How you doin', ma'am? - Hangin' in there.
Could you, uh, make us a drink, honey? - Anything, straight up, in a large glass.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah, yeah, for me too.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Okay, what's-what's that? - Frozen dinner rolls.
Heat 'em up.
- Nobody knows the difference.
And- - What else? Shoot! She's great.
Uh, using paper napkins? - Is that bad? - Well, it ain't exactly classy.
- Oh, shit.
- Ma'am? - Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Could you find us some real cloth napkins, honey? - Yes, ma'am.
So, look at you.
You got yourself a maid.
I got- I got a maid.
It's- It's okay.
- Vodka gimlet? - Oh.
- The glasses are chilled.
- Oh, all the better.
- Don't get frostbite there, Jim.
- Vodka gimlet.
How very Douglas Sirk.
- Come in, come in.
- Doug Rich.
Cherien, our guest ofhonor has just crossed the threshold in our humble abode.
Oh, now, Doug, you forget.
I'm a humble man.
- Well, Hugh, would you care for a cocktail? - Nina, Jim.
- What do you got? - We have martinis, dry or dirty.
We have Manhattans and vodka gimlets.
I'll take a dry, Doug.
See, martinis, vodka gimlets, that's a classy way to go.
I'm not down with all that mai tai, fruity Cosmo shit.
- The glasses are chilled.
- Chilled? Oh, chilled.
Well, in that case, thank you.
- You got a maid, Doug? - Yes, we've got a maid for special occasions.
Her name is Cicatrice.
Cicatrice? Isn't that French for "scar"? No.
So, tell me, what do you think of your employers, Cicatrice? - Excuse me, sir? - Doug and Cherien.
Are they cheap? - Uh- - Of course we're not cheap, Hugh.
We pay everyone who works for us extremely well.
Who said that's the right answer, Doug? Don't interrupt.
Oh, I got an idea.
I got an idea.
Cicatrice, I want you to think of three adjectives that describe Doug and Cherien.
And if I like your adjectives and I like my dinner, I'm gonna make Doug here a partner.
If I don't, he's out on the street.
- Ooh! - Well, let's see.
Oh, that's okay, darlin'.
Don't tell me now.
Think about it.
Get back to me by the end of the night.
I don't think I'm doing so well out there.
Oh, well, no, you're doing just great, honey.
You look all professional and everything.
God knows I am so not a cook.
So the blond guy is the boss? Yeah.
- He kind of put me on the spot out there.
- He did? Nah.
Don't mind him.
He's the boss, but, you know, he's a human being.
He was a big old drug addict all down on his luck.
Then he had a business idea.
He was all hungry and persistent and shit and made a billion dollars.
If he can do it, anyone can.
All I'm sayin' is, you know, you just gotta follow your bliss.
I've got some good business ideas, but I just never had the nerve to act on 'em.
Okay.
Uh, will you serve the oysters Rockefeller, please? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
It's just a barrette.
In all these years, I never made anybody else a partner before.
But now I'm thinkin' maybe it'd be nice to have another dog to run with somebody to share the responsibility, share the load.
See, the thing is, how do I know you're the right guy? I'm a loner by nature.
- I mean, you know my life story.
- Yes, you've told me many times.
- Oysters Rockefeller? - Oh, sure, sure.
You got my adjectives yet? I started out broke.
I started out cleaning septic tanks for a living.
I saved every penny I earned cleaning up other people's shit.
And the first thing I did- Folks thought I was crazy.
I went out, I bought a used septic tank.
I bought it, slapped a little paint on it, polished it up.
Sold it for twice what I paid for it.
Went from septic tanks to sewer lines to spec houses.
Real estate king.
That's how I went rags to riches.
That's what makes Panco so special.
I built that company off the sweat of my back.
- I'll tell anybody who wants to listen.
- I wanna listen.
- You do, huh? - Yeah.
'Cause I'm broke, but I got a business plan, and believe me, I know how to sweat.
Cicatrice- What's your business plan, honey? It's okay.
I don't wanna disturb your night.
- That's very kind of you, Cicatrice.
- No, no, no.
You're not disturbin' me.
I'm open to givin' business advice to anybody at all.
What you got, honey? - Okay.
Okay.
- Good for the nuts.
This is a business plan that I have been waiting to discuss with the right individual.
- It's about rabbits.
- Cicatrice- Mmm, mmm, mmm! Rabbits, huh? Maybe there's a few facts you don't know about rabbits.
They got a very good meat, very tasty, low in fat.
They got a good, white, meaty-tasting meat.
In the same way that people eat turkey now they're gonna eat rabbit in the future.
I'll tell you why.
Turkeys lay an egg every so often when they're in the mood but rabbits, they multiply like rabbits.
You get what I'm sayin'? Oh, my God.
I don't know how she cooks or cleans, Doug but damn, she is funny.
Oh, ho, ho! Rabbit- Rabbit bur- Rabbit burgers- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Bunny burgers.
Ra- Rabbit burgers! Hey, hey, hey! How many times you spin that salad? Hey, hey, be gentle there.
- You're lucky you didn't break that plate.
- You're not my employer, ma'am.
- Oh, boy.
- Cicatrice, is everything all right? - Everything's fine, ma'am.
- Okay.
Okay.
Well, I think dinner is ready.
Oh, I can't possibly do that.
Can you slice the pork? Thank you.
I can't do that.
- More wine, anyone? - Me.
I want some.
I'm still waitin' on my adjectives, Cicatrice.
What you got so far? Huh? Oh, hello there.
Who's this pretty lady? Hey- And where's your other son, Doug? Didn't you say you have two? This is my son, Hugh.
This is Sam.
- Uh, I hear he loves the theater.
- Oh, yes, he does.
We are actuallyjust, um, on our way to the school play after we finish eating.
Isn't that right, Sam? Well, sorry, partner.
I didn't recognize you as a member of the "B" team.
- What's the "B" team? - Boys.
The boys'team, kid.
So what-So what is- Is that- Is that pork? What's that you're carvin' on there, Cicatrice? I thoughtJews didn't eat pig.
- Huh? - Well, you know it's not kosher.
- What? - You know, darling.
Kosher? Kosher.
Sometimes I think she has a complete block on the word "kosher.
" - Everybody knows kosher.
- So why are you serving pork? That's exactly the point, Jim.
Cherien and I belong to a sect ofJudaism that eats mainly pork um, to make up for theJewish people that don't eat pork.
That's why they were thrilled and overjoyed when we decided to marry.
Had pig at our weddin', pig on the honeymoon.
- Pig at the bar mitzvah.
Remember that? - Mm-hmm.
Too bad it's not rabbit.
Everybody eats rabbit, right? Nobody has a problem with that.
And-And I hear they multiply like rabbits.
Isn't that right? I have a problem with it.
I would never eat rabbit.
I've eaten rabbit in a restaurant.
Rabbit soup.
Or was it venison? I find the idea of eating a peaceful animal like the rabbit to be morally repulsive.
- You think I'm repulsive? - I was just referring to those who butcher peaceful animals.
Well, at least I'm not gay.
- Oh! Cicatrice.
- Who's gay? Who's gay? - I do not think that that is the way the household help- - Who's gay? Should speak to a guest.
Well, maybe I don't want to be the maid no more.
And maybe I quit, Dahli.
Well, I gotta take a leak.
I'll be back.
Don't you be followin' me in there, Jimmy.
A nice Southern girl like myself needs to get herself a cool glass of vodka before she loses her temper in public.
That was awful! PoorJim.
And she called me "Dahli.
" Don't worry about that.
Nobody noticed.
Maybe you should go upstairs and talk to her and calm her down.
Oh.
You know what? You- You take Sam and go to Brent's house.
Di Di, please.
Okay.
Come on, Sam.
Let's take a field trip.
- I think I hear laughing.
- You kiddin'? I love that.
- Ah! - Jesus Christ, Chunky! What's wrong with you idiots? Shut the goddamn door! Oh! Oh.
Missed some.
Oh! Oh, Doug.
Mmm! I like that maid of yours.
She knows how to take a joke.
Little too into the rabbit thing.
But she's just trying to get by.
People used to laugh about me and my septic tanks too.
Yeah.
Cicatrice is a wonderful person with an unbeatable personality.
- Do I look high? - Are bears Catholic? I am.
Guess you could say I fell off the wagon.
She offered it to me like candy, and I could not refuse.
So does snortin' some kind of white powder mean I ain't sober no more? Last time I checked.
Well, what the hell! Let's just, uh- Let's just go ahead and sign this thing.
- You wanna make me a partner right now? Right here? - Why the hell not? In business, we sleep where we shit.
You're lucky, Doug.
I had my doubts about you.
Cicatrice came up with some good adjectives.
She did? What were they? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh! That's between me and Cicatrice.
Come on.
Right there on the dotted line.
- Let's not do this right now.
- You don't wanna be my partner anymore? - Yes.
No, I do.
- Well, then stop with the sad sack attitude.
Sign the damn thing! Wait.
You're right.
You're right.
Better idea.
Let's do it with a toast, huh? Oh! Let the good times roll, huh? - Why'd you get him high? He'd been sober eight years.
- Because he deserved it.
He's a son of a bitch.
Cherien.
Now, the lovely Cherien.
The lovely Cicatrice.
All right.
Now, the reason we're all here tonight- Everybody take a sip.
Mmm.
Not bad.
Doug here's gonna scribble his signature and then the naked dancin' will begin, and- There you go, Doug.
Time to sign your life away.
Oh.
You wanna hold the pen, Jimbo? What's that supposed to mean? It's supposed to mean I should take the writing utensil and sign.
Come on.
- Come on.
Go to it.
- Yes.
What the hell you waitin' for? The last page.
Gotta sit.
- Okay, honey? - Oh, he's fine.
He's fine.
He's just kinda savoring the moment, huh? When you sign something like this, you know you've arrived.
Yes.
I'm not sure where but I've certainly arrived at that place.
You don't have to.
Right-Right here.
It's okay.
You don't have to.
Oh, shit, Doug.
Takin' so long, I'm gettin' dizzy.
Do you know what I mean, Jim? Hold the pen? I bet you wanna hold my pen, don't you? Wait a minute.
Wait a m- What? What'd I say? Maybe later.
What a horrible dinner party.
Does it matter? If my husband's gay? Doesn't matter to me.
Well, you're not his wife.
I should run away from here and never come back.
I thought you loved it here.
Well, I love the guard at the gate part.
And I love the way people can see our houses from one curve in the highway way off in the distance.
And when they catch a glimpse, they say to themselves "Who in the hell would pay two million dollars just to have them one of them stupid mansions up there behind a gate?" And the answer is every single one of'em.
They're green with jealousy.
I love that part.
Nina, can't you just pretend he's straight? All those alpaca conventions think they were just about fur quality and leg hairs? I've been pretending for 18 years, Doug.
Not bad.
Everybody went home except for that Hugh guy.
He's tweakin'.
This is your family, ain't it? Yeah.
What does it mean? I don't really wanna tell you.
You didn't do too good with my secrets tonight.
- Nobody knows nothin'.
- I'm still disappointed.
- In what? - Well, in you.
That is not fair, Dahli.
My life is harder than yours.
It's not easy being alone.
It's not easy being somebody's maid.
Yeah, I know.
I think you should go home now.
You mean I'm not gonna work for you no more? Mm-mmm.
I can't take care of you.
I can barely take care of myself.
That's selfish, Dahli.
So I'm just gonna leave with no money, no nothin'? You want money? Yeah.
I need it.
- How much you want? - How much you got? There's 2,000.
$2,000? - That's a lot, Dahli.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
It's almost midnight.
Huh.
Clock's busted.
It's always 11:59 around here.
You want some? No.
I'm tryin' not to.
Well if you decide you do want some, I'll just leave it right there for you.
Don't.
So stop me then.
- I'm gonna go.
- Can I have a hug? No, Dahli.
You know I'm no good at good-byes and I don't wanna hug you and be sad.
Take the money.
Leave the I.
D.
- She left? - Just you and me, Dahlia.
And little Mr.
Phone Happy.
Is that what she was to you? Drug buddy? What's he doin' anyway? Looking for the ghost in the machine.
I wanted to be a partner.
I got to be a partner.
There is my partner lying on the ground.
Something about it makes me sick to my stomach.
Well, we're turnin' into buffers, baby.
Ain't we?