The Sopranos s01e09 Episode Script
Boca
You woke up this morning got yourself a gun your mama always said you'd be the chosen one she said you're one in a million you've got to burn to shine but you were born under a bad sign with a blue moon in your eyes when you woke up this mornin' all that love had gone your papa never told you about right and wrong but you're, but you're looking good, baby i believe that you're a- feelin' fine shame about it born under a bad sign with a blue moon in your eyes so sing it now woke up this morning you got a blue moon got a blue moon in your eyes? ? Yeah you say you woke up this morning the world turned upside down lord above, things ain't been the same since the blues walked into town but you're, but you're one in a million'cause you got that shotgun shine shame about it born under a bad sign with a blue moon in your eyes, yeah woke up this morning got yourself a gun got yourself a gun got yourself a gun come on.
Come on, dog.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Go get it.
Look at this.
Look at this plastic.
And there's weeds.
It looks like tobacco road.
Nobody gets down here.
Anthony! Those dogs are wild dogs.
Cemetery dogs.
They'll take your hand off.
Come over here.
Say a hail mary for your grandfather.
Lay off.
He's a kid.
So he should neglect his elders? Just like his father.
Yeah, real scamp.
Yeah, my son, the mental patient.
Remember those trips to the shore? Me and tony used to ride the waves? - I taught him how to bodysurf.
- My son was brought up right.
He needs a psychiatrist for what? To talk about his sex life? Enough.
I hate it as much as you do.
Anthony! Those dogs could start foaming at the mouth.
Hey, grandma.
How come youse not supposed to breathe in the cemetery? Who says? It's a joke, for christ's sake.
Say "why?" 'Cause you'll make the dead people jealous.
Pick it up! Pick it up! Who's got the ball? - Who's got the ball? - Oh, my god.
Meadow, look out! Come around, come around! Up, up, up! Cover'em through! - I can't watch.
- Yes! - Atta girl, meadow! You're a brick wall, baby! Brick wall! Good save! Come on, now! Come on! That was close.
Pretty good.
Look at you at girl's soccer, tony.
What do you want from me? My only son's a couch potato.
- Red, five! - What are you, yellow card happy? Rough play, my ass! Oh, come on! Hi, honey.
Got get'em, baby.
This fat kid is such a sneak with that elbow! Coach says next year chiara is gonna be one of his stars.
Come on, falcons! Let's pull it out, for christ sake! Heather dante! - A hundred bucks for a goal! - What's with ally today? She's sleepwalkin' out there.
She eats at our house three nights a week.
I know she's got the energy.
That tackle was all ball, asshole! Yeah, zebra, i'm talkin' to you! You blow that whistle one more time, i'm gonna stick it up your fuckin' ass! Get off the field! Now! Get off the field or your team is gonna forfeit the game! I'm goin'.
You fuckin' son of a-- get off the field! You're a hell of a guy.
Falcons! Falcons, heads up! Red 42, 42! Push! Ally! Come on.
Come on, al! Yes, yes, yes! Did i tell you? Did i tell you? He's a brilliant coach.
He's a beautiful, brilliant genius.
Yeah.
You in love with him or what? Frankly, yes.
If he steers chiara through to a college scholarship, i'll blow the guy at midfield.
Oh, you will? How's cheffing at dimples? You gotta come sample the salad bar.
We got a special chemical brightener.
Keeps the lettuce crisp.
How nice.
Oh, yeah.
It's beautiful.
The offer's still there.
You wanna make a little money, you put some out on the street, at two points, we split the interest.
Nice.
I can't do the math, ton'.
I'm an artiste.
Get outta here.
Good job, girls! Absolutely, yeah.
You do that so well, coach.
Thank you.
You did a hell of a job, coach.
Welcome to the bada bing.
Everything's on the house.
Brandy! Come here! I want you to meet somebody.
- This guy coached college.
- Get outta here.
Division 1- a! Nay, that's boonie state.
Besides, art, the time has come to stop moving my wife and deena like pawns every time somebody ups the ante.
Anyway, now many chances does a man get to coach his own daughter? What do they say? "Money isn't everything.
" Hear, hear.
- It's the kids that are important.
- Cheers to the falcons.
Continued success.
Brandy, why don't you give the coach a deluxe tour of the vip lounge? What? Oh, guys.
Jesus, we said a beer.
Oh, whoa-- no, i-- uh, thank you, but i don't think so.
Aw, jesus christ.
Okay, brandy, go, uh, sit on a tuffet.
Coach, it's on the house.
- What the fuck are you doin' here? - Who's he? My girl's soccer coach.
You got somethin' for me? For one thing, every car you see in your rearview mirror is not a fed.
Mikey palmice went out and got a major manhattan p.
I.
Mikey palmice thinks someone here is rattin' for the government.
What else is new? What else? My colleague over at organized crime task force gets chatty after, uh, caffeine drinks.
Names of people whose fiscal interests intersect with your own.
Shit.
I'm still trying to find out if you've been named.
But these people, they are keeping these indictments very, very internal, tony.
For all i know, they got a folder withmyname on it, and if i was smart, i wouldn't be here.
I rest my case.
As it is, i'm up the street on a rape/homicide.
What i need now, is to see a liquor license, sir, if you don't mind.
So anybody wonders why i was here, or for the lie detector test-- cha- cha, show him the liquor license.
Don't touch the girls.
How you doin'? Bada bing.
Arthur bucco! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hello? - What, you gonna stay in that bar all day? I'm shootin' a little pool.
I'll rack'em up for you.
I thought we were supposed to be painting the trim on the patio.
I bought the primer and i've been scraping.
- You have.
- Arthur, i could really use your help.
All right.
Sure.
Honey, i'll be right home.
This fuckin' guy lays down the law, ton'.
Fuckin' blisterin'.
I'll be right home, honey.
I've gotta be getting home too.
Shelly'll be looking for me.
It's quite the lifestyle you got here, though.
See you later, coach.
Okay.
Different strokes.
Melvoin, frolov, schneider and archide.
I'm sorry.
He's in a meeting.
Can i take a message? What's goin' on with the feds and their fuckin' indictment? Just put it right down there.
Here's the bill.
The book is off from the 14th ward.
I don't wanna minimize your position, corrado.
Two prior convictions.
That places you in jeopardy of sentence under the habitual offenders statute.
I'm payin' you four an hour to hear shit that's already eatin' my insides? Who had the peppers and eggs? Over here.
That's what i should've had.
I'd be happy to surrender mr.
Soprano? You can be assured of my full cooperation? You'd rather they kicked in your front door in the middle of the night? It's a target letter, corrado.
I wasn't getting anywhere, so i asked them point blank what your status was.
Just testing.
That's what a good lawyer would do.
- They'd let me know when it was appropriate.
- I may just start paying taxes.
- Fuckin' funny.
- i'm sick and tired of sittin' around here on my hands.
I'm gonna get outta here.
Down to boca with your lady friend? - What the fuck you know? - Works for the joint fitters union, didn't somebody say? Runs their, uh, labor management fund outside the fed's oversight.
If you can't get your friends jobs, what's the purpose of attaining success? The wheels of justice turn slowly.
Take her to florida.
Develop a tan.
- Where's the key to the partners' crapper? - Top right- hand drawer.
Junior, we're working out of our fuckin' lawyer's office.
Is that right? I didn't want to say anything, but this government's case? If there's a leak, it's in tony's boat.
You wanna tell me my nephew's in bed with the justice department, just say it.
Don't stammer around like a fuckin' spastic.
There's something fucking wrong with that guy.
I feel it in my gut.
I'm worried about you, skipper.
I'm sorry, mikey.
You're a good boy.
Fuck this.
I'm goin' to boca.
Deena, when you guys showed up to verbum dei last year, i thought,"soccer.
Give me a break.
" But your dad makes it seem like this, i don't know, metaphor.
Yeah.
Yeah, dad's pretty cool.
You guys, where's al? She was supposed to loan me a cig.
I'll come with.
Al? Ally! Al! If you're smoking, you owe me five dollars! Al? Ally? Ally? - Ally, what are you doing? - Ally! Oh, my god! Ally! Ally! Oh, my god! Her parents split up.
That's why she spends all her time at our house.
But the kid was born with a silver spoon.
Teenage girls are under a lot of stress.
I know this kid.
She's great.
Was it a genuine suicide attempt, or was it a suicidal gesture? "Small cutting" is the clinical term.
What's "large cutting"? O.
J.
In the missing tracksuit? It's a cry for help.
Ah.
Her mother says she tried this before.
A couple times.
What else is going on in your life? Life is putting the prozac to the test.
It's all that business that keeps popping up in the news? I'd rather talk about my daughter.
Principal says girls in sports, they do better.
They don't take the drugs, they don't get knocked up.
But now this shit.
If my daughter ever tried to kill herself-- oh, god! Last week i called you a whore.
I might've been overstatin' the case a little bit.
Oo- hoo.
Mr.
Soprano.
Miss sanfillipo.
I have a check here for you to sign.
Twenty grand.
For research and development into furthering the art and science of metal and ceramic joint fitting.
Where does our research and development take us this time? I was thinking boca raton.
My, my.
You read my mind.
I'm all packed, baby.
I gotta talk to my cousin.
Uh, mr.
Soprano? What? I was waitin' to talk to jerry about how i could use some, uh, wiggle room on this mall job i got in north bergen.
Then i saw you here.
And i thought, "what the hell? I may as well ask the man himself.
" Let's you and i meet.
I can pass my recommends onto my cousin.
Hey, mama livia, how are you? Do you remember me, larry boy barese? Well, i know who you are! You lit an apartment house on fire and scared your mother half to death.
Mama's moving in here on the fifteenth.
I like your shoes, larry boy.
Mama hasn't been well in her mind.
Last week she threw a jar of artichokes at me.
She better not throw any artichokes at me! Ma, how you doin'? - Remember larry? - Water under the bridge.
Yeah.
We're gonna take a walk.
We'll be right back.
You should get some shoes like his.
I'll tell you somethin', tony.
You've always been a fuckin' genius.
But this last move is the best move you ever did.
The feds are never gonna surveil an old folks home.
That's why i got six truckloads of bootleg polident comin' in.
Hey, jimmy.
How you doin'? There he is.
Did you get your mother settled into a suite? They're not sure they're gonna accept her.
They wanna see my financial statement again.
So this office supply chain comin' up from virginia.
What's the deal on them? I spoke to them.
I think they're gonna listen to reason on minority hiring.
You been to games? What've they got? What the fuck? Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Knees high, colgiavani! Eyes ahead! Energy, girls, energy! I know we're all upset about all that's been going on, but we still have a season left! Come on! Let's go! Hey, coach.
Hey, fellas.
Uh, sorry, but practice is closed today.
I'm trying to keep the team focused.
What're you doin'? You're leavin' us? After two fuckin' years? I told that reporter to wait until after sectionals before he put that in the paper.
Coach, look at my little girl out there.
- You're breakin' her heart! - Believe me, art.
I am hugely conflicted.
But rhode island doubled my salary! They're giving my daughter a full ride! What could i do? - They made me an offer i couldn't refuse.
- You haven't heard ours.
Come on, sil.
Look, buddy, i got a family too.
I happen to have a daughter who loves playing soccer very much.
Just kiddin' about the offer thing.
Hey, nobody blew a whistle! Let's not get lazy out here! Come on! - Why don't you go fuck yourself? - Excuse me? Hey, med, want me to tell your father-- this is my field.
Why don't you give me ten laps around the goals! Whatever.
Make that 20.
Anybody else wanna mouth off? Good! Come on! Let's circle up for keep- away! Let's go! Over here! Get in a big circle! Go! Come on! Move it! Out here! I need some people out here! Come on! Let's go! Gimme your glass.
Who would've ever thought we could've been this contented? I did.
As soon as i saw you, i knew.
You're a sweetheart.
If only they knew the other side of you.
They'd eat me for breakfast.
Mmm.
I've been lookin' at some real estate.
Some nice houses on the market.
Maybe you'd like something bigger.
No, corrado.
This is our place.
You know how long we been comin' here? Sixteen years.
And every one of them good.
How's junior, junior? Hmm? He's catching some shuteye.
Oh.
You're such a powerhouse.
When you kiss me down there, you're like a great artist.
You got a real instinct for it.
Pass me the red peppers.
You know the thrill you give? Just keep it to yourself, okay, roberta? Yeah.
All to myself.
Corrado? Yeah? Why the big secret? About what? Oral sex.
What's so terrible about pleasing a woman? You always have to talk about everything.
I wanna know why! It's complicated.
Yeah.
But why? Why? Because they think if you'll suck pussy, you'll suck anything.
Oh, you're kidding.
It's a sign of weakness.
And possibly a sign that you're afinocch'.
A fag? That's ridiculous.
How would the two even translate? What are you gonna do? I mean, i don't make the rules.
Hey, it's not big lifestyle choice, shylockin'.
My aunts quintima and gemma.
They got money out earnin' on the street.
It's like bein' a banker.
You help people.
Chiara broke down in tears when she heard the coach was leaving.
You don't wanna talk about it, fine.
No, i-- i gotta go pick up carmela at her sister's.
Let me ask you a question.
Why does your wife hate me? Charmaine doesn't hate you.
Yeah.
You lie like i play the french horn.
What? Look at the fuckin'faccim over here.
Wearing a cap in a nice restaurant like this.
That's one of the things i hated most when i had my restaurant.
It's values today.
Standards are crumbling.
Would it have killed this coach to stick around until my kid graduates? Then let him stay four years for chiara.
Hi.
That burns my ass.
Where you goin'? That would be great.
- Take your hat off.
- Excuse me? They don't sell hot dogs here.
They took the bleachers out two years ago.
It's my hat.
I'll wear it where i want.
How you doin'? - Thank you.
- Look at him.
Douche bag.
Good for you! Um, send them a bottle of montepulciano.
And, uh, get the license plate of these two guys sittin' behind artie.
Get the valet to do it.
They look like cops.
I hear a voice well, look who's here! Hi! Tony, look who's here! Alphonse, how you doin'? Good.
Yeah.
You feelin' better? Gonna miss that left foot of yours.
Tony.
No, it's okay, mr.
Soprano.
I'm gonna play.
No shit.
Pardon my french there.
You sure, ally? Yeah, i-- i had a long talk with coach hauser and-- i'm gonna play.
That's all.
- I told her she didn't have to.
- Just said she wanted to.
- Yeah.
- Did coach pressure you, ally? No, mrs.
Soprano.
He would never do anything like that.
How's he gonna pressure her? He didn't have thecoglione to stick around.
Dad.
What? It's what we all wanted.
Okay.
Right? Long as everything's, uh-- look, we're trying to watch this, guys, okay? Kick ass, girls.
Right? Good night.
Listen, roberta.
What i said earlier? Mm- hmm.
I'm serious.
You discuss that with anyone, we're gonna go ten rounds.
We just skimmed 20 thou off the development fund, and you're worried about a littlelecca fica? Will you keep it down? All right.
I'll tell everyone you're a good kisser.
I just won't say where.
That's my reputation you're playin' with.
Honey, my lips are sealed.
Not too sealed, right? Visual on corrado soprano and female travel companion, Hey, hey, hey! How's my boy today, huh? Go, go, go! I'm lookin' for, uh, coach hauser? That's me.
Petey! Come here! A little somethin' from your friends at the bada bing club.
Brand new, surround sound, hdtv compatible.
- Well, tell them thanks, but-- - this fucker's gettin' heavy.
If this is about rhode island, tell your friends it's a done deal.
I already signed.
I don't know what it's about, but the tv stays here.
Put it down.
No! I mean it! Pick it up! Get the goddamn thing off my property! Look, pal, i don't think you quite understand.
Oh, i understand only too well.
You tell your friends i know all about them.
If you did, you'd do what they want.
Is that a threat? How quickly things change.
Let me tell you something, guido-- my name is clarence.
I have friends in law enforcement, and they would call this extortion.
Come on.
You tell those assholes don hauser will not be intimidated! I will not be threatened or bribed! I go where i want to when i want to! Hey! All day, every day, Oh, and those nights.
Bobbi, you are so lucky with this guy.
You have no idea.
He's a sweetheart underneath it all.
I wish i could get lou to be like him.
More sensitive, if you know what i mean.
That coral looks good.
I don't understand why i always have to ask him for oral sex.
Not like you and your corrado.
Bebe, listen.
I know we always used to yak about our sex lives.
I think it would be better if we didn't anymore.
Okay.
I mean it.
Sure.
It's just you're lucky, that's all.
- So, ma, you gonna come to the big game? - Game? What game? Miss meadow's soccer team is goin' to the sectionals.
- Nobody tells me anything.
- Everybody hear me just tell my mother about the game? Can anybody think of anything else to talk about except soccer? All right.
Uncle jun', how was boca? Wonderful.
I don't go down enough.
That's not what i heard.
About what? Nothing.
I'm sorry.
I-- i don't know what i'm talkin' about.
- Last time, aunt bobbi bought me a live piranha.
- You believe that was a piranha.
That woman is not your aunt! Livia, i warned you.
Stata zit'.
Bobbi's a sweet, sweet girl.
- What the hell's the matter with you? - what did i say? This wife of yours.
She's got the giggles.
- Can i be excused? - We just sat down.
- How are you gonna play tomorrow, you don't eat? - He's right.
You need protein.
- No, i don't because i quit.
- You quit.
What are you talkin' about? With ally back, you can go to the state.
A girl slits her wrists and you can think about is a game? It wasn't like friggin' cobain.
It was just a little suicidal gesture.
- Come back here! - You're not excused! Oh, let her go.
Go ahead, honey! Ma! Why don't you butt out? Only time you act like a grandmother is when you wanna score some points.
I will not eat in this house.
Junior, take me home.
- I'm not finished.
- Youmangia, uncle jun'.
She'll come back.
The stukas and messerschmitts.
They have command of the skies.
The stuka is quite a formidable weapon.
I don't know.
I'm glad meadow quit.
That coach pushes them to the brink.
It's unhealthy.
Well, what do we mean when we talk about commitment? And that asshole.
He thinks he can just walk away? Watch it, cowboy.
Don't start.
What was with you and uncle jun' tonight? You better not get in that coach's face.
Tell me about uncle jun'.
No, no, stop it! Stop it! I can't, i can't.
Yes, you can.
I know you want to.
All right.
Okay.
Gabby dante's cousin and bobbi go to the same nail parlor.
And-- your uncle-- no, i shouldn't say.
I shouldn't! Come on.
Okay, okay! Okay.
Well, let's just say your uncle has acquired a taste for her.
Uncle jun' gives head.
World- class.
The old man's whistlin' to the wheat field? Don't be disgusting.
He's a bushman of the kalahari! That's why i don't tell you anything.
'cause you don't know when to stop.
Oh, my god, if this ever gets out.
Like you don't do it, or any of your friends.
Bunch of hypocrites.
Hey.
What goes on in this bedroom stays here, and you know that.
Once a year? I can resist the urge to gossip.
Arthur? You're home? The grease in that "fryolater.
" I'm gonna smell like a cheap french fry for the rest of my life.
So this is why we scrimp and save to send our kids to that school, huh? So that you can have our name just dragged through the mud? What? Shelly hauser called me this afternoon.
Your friends sent somewayos down there with a stolen tv set to try and bribe the coach.
From your friends at bada bing.
As if a tv set is gonna get somewhere with a man like coach hauser! A tv set? Arthur, do you honestly believe that they're gonna stop there? They tried bribing this man.
What's next? Always with the extreme scenarios.
No, come on, arthur.
Tell me.
What's next? You grew up in the neighborhood.
Don't pretend like you don't know what tony soprano is capable of.
Who is it? I found your dog.
What? No, you're mistaken.
My dog is upstairs.
Golden retriever, blue nylon collar? Honey, who is it? Evenin', ma'am.
He has our dog.
Where's petey? I thought he was locked in.
Yeah, come get him.
I wouldn't want petey to get hit by a car.
Petey, petey! You okay? Come here.
What, no reward? Just kiddin'.
I'm an animal lover.
You okay, boy? Med, you can cheer up about the coach, 'cause i got a feelin' he's gonna reconsider the big move.
- Tony! - Did you do something? What could i do? Point is he's gonna stick around and finish what he started with the girls, that's all.
That's it.
Well, did i tell you? You need to develop some appreciation'cause you got people all around you tryin' to help you and all you do is bitch and moan! I see this coach tryin' to abandon his team.
I see your friends gettin' worked up.
So i try to do somethin'! Is that why you think we're so upset, dad? Because a coach that most of us can't even stand is leaving? So, w- what difference does that make? You don't have to love him to be successful.
Catfish hunter hated billy martin.
Bill parcells, his guys, they can't stand him till they start to win! Coach hauser had sex with ally! What? That's why she cut herself.
That's why i've been practically living at her house.
All right, hold on a minute.
Maybe-- with ally? Meadow, this is horrible.
This is also a very serious accusation.
- What exactly did ally say? - That they had sex! More than once! That she's not a virgin anymore! All right.
Ally's a very pretty girl.
Maybe there was-- maybe there was some confusion.
Maybe she wanted to look like she was sophisticated in you guys' eyes.
Dad! What? Tony! What if this had been meadow? What kind of confusion? A girl that age, the coach should not have been in any position where there's even a remote possibility of confusion! I'm losin' my fuckin' mind here.
Tony, go downstairs, will you, please, so me and meadow can talk? Jesus fuckin' christ! God, now what did i do? Meadow.
Mom, i only told so he wouldn't make coach hauser stay here.
Meadow, this is a horrible, horrible thing.
Mom, she's in love with him, but he won't leave his wife.
Leave his wife? Meadow! Now, meadow, he didn't touch you, right? No, but what about deena? If she finds out about her father, it'll totally destroy her life.
Just tell dad to let him go anywhere he wants, okay? Come here.
Oh.
Moldonado and his brother, they'll handle it.
Mal owes me a solid.
No.
No hired help.
This is personal.
Very glad to hear you say that.
I'll give him a real after- school special.
You outta your fuckin' mind? What? I know you kidnapped the coach's dog and all that other shit.
But if you do one more thing-- aw, shut up, arthur.
You know, you're five fuckin' time zones behind your own ass.
No, i'm fuckin' serious.
You hear me, tony? - You're serious? - Yeah.
You wanna hear serious? You wanna know what your wonderful fuckin' coach did? He fucked little ally vandermeed and who knows who else he fucked.
What are you talkin' about? "Fucked"? - That's crazy.
- That's why that kid slit her wrists, youstunad'.
And my daughter should know this shit, should have to think about that filth? No.
No.
That self- righteous prick put his dick in my little girl's soccer teammate.
She's in eleventh grade, for christ's sake.
Oh, my god.
Chiara.
He drove her home from the supermarket one night.
- Oh, my little girl.
- Fuckin' degenerate son of a bitch.
He deserves to die.
Betrayin' children? Artie, believe me, he ain't gonna be doin' that shit no more.
I guarantee you that.
He's in the pro shop! I don't need a cart! Nobody told you to put my nephew under surveillance.
I know, junior.
I know.
I just wanted to be on the safe side, and i'm glad i did.
Because your nephew is not just hangin' out at that titty bar and goin' to his daughter's soccer games.
Go ahead.
Twice last week he goes toward the medical center, then they lose him.
A girlfriend.
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
He's seein' this russian slit, very open.
Your nephew is talking to the feds.
Where else would he be goin' where it would require such precautions? And what the fuck else would be the big secret? What am i, a swami? Hey.
Silvio! You're lookin' good.
I like that hat.
Mikey palmice.
How you feel? You shanked it, sil.
I still got the coach on my mind.
We got fresh air, sunshine, a beautiful day.
Forget about that shit.
- Thank god for golf some days.
- I'm trying to concentrate here.
- Did you get any golf in down in boca, uncle jun'? - Fuckin' manners! Please! So you play, uh, manatee or what's the name of the other one? Will you let the man tee off? You yap worse than six barbers.
If you'd have shut up during that game against mountain lakes, you wouldn't have missed that fuckin' fly ball.
I was ashamed to face my friends.
Good mikey.
Better.
What do you mean,"better"? Well, you know, it'sbetter.
- Whoa, junior! - "Whoa, junior" what? Uncle junior's into muff.
What? Oh, did i say "muff"? I meant "rough.
" Good shot.
What's that smell? Did you guys go to a sushi bar? What the fuck's he talkin' about? I don't know.
I thought you were a baccala man, uncle jun'.
What are you doin' eatin' sushi? You're fuckin' runnin' off at the mouth, you know that? South of the border? Down mexico way listen, my friend.
At least i can deal with my own problems, unlike some i know.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Take it however you want.
Don't bullshit with me.
Guys, guys.
We here to play golf or what? Come on.
South of the border? Where the tuna fish play arthur.
Everybody's just so upset.
The mother's on sedatives.
She's completely unable to deal.
The father was in europe somewhere.
They haven't reached him.
The little girl, ally, she thinks it's all her fault.
Lousy bastard.
He's not gonna get away with this.
You got that right.
What? Hand me that bottle of bug be gone, will ya? Arthur, what? Somethin' goin' on, artie? Your mobster friend gonna do somethin' crazy? If i had any balls, i would do it myself.
Arthur, you do have balls.
That's why you're not like him.
Fuck it.
Fuck the world! Artie, this isn't makin' some slob take his hat off.
This is beating a man to death or cutting his balls off or what? You can't tell me coach hauser doesn't deserve it! Okay, but-- listen to you.
Think about what you're saying.
Yeah, you tell me.
Who's worse? Tony soprano or that child- molesting fuck? I trusted him.
I'd like to rip his heart out of his chest! Jesus christ, arthur.
I cannot believe you only think about yourself! Myself? Myself? I resent that, charmaine! Junior, what the fuck? What's the matter? What? That bullshit with the sushi? Nah, i-- i don't know what he was talkin' about.
He, uh, he babbles.
What was that? You're another one! Me? Hey, he completely lacked respect.
Sick and tired of having to make excuses for him all the time.
- It isn't right.
- It's'cause he's a fucking mental weakling.
- I know.
- You don't know shit, mikey! He's seein' a psychiatrist, for christ's sake.
How about that, huh? My nephew is seein' a psychiatrist.
Makes me wanna cry.
- No shit? - Indictment's being prepared.
He's spilling his guts.
- I fuckin' knew it.
- No, you didn't fuckin' know it! I just told you.
God knows how much of our family business he airs.
If the place is bugged-- that stuff's not admissible.
It's that, uh, that, that doctor/patient privilege, just like us and melvoin.
Melvoin's a lawyer.
He's in the fuckin' ballpark.
Suppose this shrink gets scared or somethin'? Do you remember those fuckin' escovedo brothers, whoever the fuck, in california? They whacked their parents? Their shrink was in a fuckin' witness chair.
Shit.
Anthony wants to play games, okay.
I taught him games.
I taught him how to play baseball.
You talking about clippin' him? Nobody would slap my wrist if i did.
There's guys in prison that have done half the damage this prick has.
The judicial system has gotten much better in dealing with sexual predators.
Oh, yeah.
Let's impeach him.
If you're telling me of intent to harm this person, i must warn you of my duty to alert law enforcement.
I don't know why i tell you anything.
I'm interested in why you feel punishing this man falls upon you.
- Well, it sure doesn't fall upon you.
- What do you mean? What would you do? You'd call the cops, who'd get some judge who'd give him psychiatric counseling.
So maybe he could talk about his unhappy childhood and we could have sympathy for the fuck'cause he's the real victim here, right? You know what you do? Stick your head in the sand'cause that's what people like you do.
Discredit psychology all you want, but i continue to ask the question: Why do you think you, anthony soprano, always has to set things right? Hey, paulie.
Is tony in? Tony! - Artie! - Hey, ton', i gotta talk to ya.
- Kinda busy right now.
- I gotta talk to you.
All right, we'll, uh, finish later, all right? Come on in.
Hey.
It's about, uh, the thing.
You know what? Nothing's happened yet, has it? Just gotta make the call.
I'm savorin' the moment.
- You gotta call it off.
- Don't worry about it.
You got nothin' to do with it.
You don't go nowheres near this.
I don't care about that! It's wrong, tony.
You can't do it.
It's wrong? Oh, what he did isn't? I'm beggin' you.
I hate the guy too.
What do you wanna do, artie? You wanna call the cops? Here.
Here's the phone.
They'll arrest him, right? He'll get out in two fuckin' years, move to saskatchewan.
Then you know what he'll do? He'll teach girls' soccer, and he'll start all over again.
You don't think i wanna rip him apart like a fuckin' chicken? I drove by his house.
I almost got out.
But you didn't.
Something happens to him, who's it gonna help, huh? His daughter? That girl? No, you, tony.
And silvio and me and whoever.
It's just gonna make us feel better.
So don't even think about calling this justice.
Leave it to the cops.
Let me ask you a question.
Who the fuck do you think you are comin' in here, talkin' to me like this? Now your boyfriend is finished.
You deal with it.
Okay? Tony, don't do it.
This is me asking you.
Why don't you get the fuck outta here? Come on.
Get the fuck out! Go! Let's go.
Come on, come on.
Oh, yeah oh, yeah dewayne, dewayne woke up yeah yeah yeah dewayne corrado.
I was worried! You usually call me when you're this late.
I bought us some barbecued chicken, some salad and some lemon meringue pie.
But i got so hungry, i had a piece.
Did i tell you to keep your mouth shut? What? Did i tell you to keep your goddamned mouth shut? No, corrado, don't hit me! You stupid, fucking, blabbermouth cunt! I don't understand.
Get your pencils and your crap and the rest of your shit and don't be here tomorrow! Oh, no, corrado, don't leave! I love you! I am so sorry! No, corrado! Yeah.
You there at the place? Is he in the house? Yeah.
Fuck it.
Walk away.
Just fuckin' walk away.
Don't do it.
Fuck! All right.
Leave it alone.
Yeah, no problem.
Son of a bitch.
Lynn, we are here live as colleagues and neighbors were shocked to hear of charges brought against donald hauser, coach of the verbum dei high school girls' soccer team.
Alerted by a student friend of the alleged victim, whose name cannot be revealed because of her age, police issued a warrant for hauser's arrest this evening.
Tony.
In my hometown tony, jesus.
Where i live you smell like lord calvert.
Tony.
We don't talk we all get together any kind of weather and we do the camel walk what is with you tonight? Tony, what is this? Oh, jesus.
Mixed with alcohol.
Oh, tony, that's wonderful.
- Happy trails.
Here, let's get you to bed.
- Carmela.
Carmela.
I didn't hurt nobody.
Call the shrink.
Tell her the town's gonna go to the fuckin' mormons.
I hear a voice from the back of the room i hear a voice cry out you want something good yeah, come on a little closer by the front of the stage i said come on a little close wanna see your face you see, i met a devil namedbuena buena and i feel all right now i have to tell ya i thinks it's time for me to finally introduce you to thebuena, buena, buena good, good, good
Come on, dog.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Go get it.
Look at this.
Look at this plastic.
And there's weeds.
It looks like tobacco road.
Nobody gets down here.
Anthony! Those dogs are wild dogs.
Cemetery dogs.
They'll take your hand off.
Come over here.
Say a hail mary for your grandfather.
Lay off.
He's a kid.
So he should neglect his elders? Just like his father.
Yeah, real scamp.
Yeah, my son, the mental patient.
Remember those trips to the shore? Me and tony used to ride the waves? - I taught him how to bodysurf.
- My son was brought up right.
He needs a psychiatrist for what? To talk about his sex life? Enough.
I hate it as much as you do.
Anthony! Those dogs could start foaming at the mouth.
Hey, grandma.
How come youse not supposed to breathe in the cemetery? Who says? It's a joke, for christ's sake.
Say "why?" 'Cause you'll make the dead people jealous.
Pick it up! Pick it up! Who's got the ball? - Who's got the ball? - Oh, my god.
Meadow, look out! Come around, come around! Up, up, up! Cover'em through! - I can't watch.
- Yes! - Atta girl, meadow! You're a brick wall, baby! Brick wall! Good save! Come on, now! Come on! That was close.
Pretty good.
Look at you at girl's soccer, tony.
What do you want from me? My only son's a couch potato.
- Red, five! - What are you, yellow card happy? Rough play, my ass! Oh, come on! Hi, honey.
Got get'em, baby.
This fat kid is such a sneak with that elbow! Coach says next year chiara is gonna be one of his stars.
Come on, falcons! Let's pull it out, for christ sake! Heather dante! - A hundred bucks for a goal! - What's with ally today? She's sleepwalkin' out there.
She eats at our house three nights a week.
I know she's got the energy.
That tackle was all ball, asshole! Yeah, zebra, i'm talkin' to you! You blow that whistle one more time, i'm gonna stick it up your fuckin' ass! Get off the field! Now! Get off the field or your team is gonna forfeit the game! I'm goin'.
You fuckin' son of a-- get off the field! You're a hell of a guy.
Falcons! Falcons, heads up! Red 42, 42! Push! Ally! Come on.
Come on, al! Yes, yes, yes! Did i tell you? Did i tell you? He's a brilliant coach.
He's a beautiful, brilliant genius.
Yeah.
You in love with him or what? Frankly, yes.
If he steers chiara through to a college scholarship, i'll blow the guy at midfield.
Oh, you will? How's cheffing at dimples? You gotta come sample the salad bar.
We got a special chemical brightener.
Keeps the lettuce crisp.
How nice.
Oh, yeah.
It's beautiful.
The offer's still there.
You wanna make a little money, you put some out on the street, at two points, we split the interest.
Nice.
I can't do the math, ton'.
I'm an artiste.
Get outta here.
Good job, girls! Absolutely, yeah.
You do that so well, coach.
Thank you.
You did a hell of a job, coach.
Welcome to the bada bing.
Everything's on the house.
Brandy! Come here! I want you to meet somebody.
- This guy coached college.
- Get outta here.
Division 1- a! Nay, that's boonie state.
Besides, art, the time has come to stop moving my wife and deena like pawns every time somebody ups the ante.
Anyway, now many chances does a man get to coach his own daughter? What do they say? "Money isn't everything.
" Hear, hear.
- It's the kids that are important.
- Cheers to the falcons.
Continued success.
Brandy, why don't you give the coach a deluxe tour of the vip lounge? What? Oh, guys.
Jesus, we said a beer.
Oh, whoa-- no, i-- uh, thank you, but i don't think so.
Aw, jesus christ.
Okay, brandy, go, uh, sit on a tuffet.
Coach, it's on the house.
- What the fuck are you doin' here? - Who's he? My girl's soccer coach.
You got somethin' for me? For one thing, every car you see in your rearview mirror is not a fed.
Mikey palmice went out and got a major manhattan p.
I.
Mikey palmice thinks someone here is rattin' for the government.
What else is new? What else? My colleague over at organized crime task force gets chatty after, uh, caffeine drinks.
Names of people whose fiscal interests intersect with your own.
Shit.
I'm still trying to find out if you've been named.
But these people, they are keeping these indictments very, very internal, tony.
For all i know, they got a folder withmyname on it, and if i was smart, i wouldn't be here.
I rest my case.
As it is, i'm up the street on a rape/homicide.
What i need now, is to see a liquor license, sir, if you don't mind.
So anybody wonders why i was here, or for the lie detector test-- cha- cha, show him the liquor license.
Don't touch the girls.
How you doin'? Bada bing.
Arthur bucco! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hello? - What, you gonna stay in that bar all day? I'm shootin' a little pool.
I'll rack'em up for you.
I thought we were supposed to be painting the trim on the patio.
I bought the primer and i've been scraping.
- You have.
- Arthur, i could really use your help.
All right.
Sure.
Honey, i'll be right home.
This fuckin' guy lays down the law, ton'.
Fuckin' blisterin'.
I'll be right home, honey.
I've gotta be getting home too.
Shelly'll be looking for me.
It's quite the lifestyle you got here, though.
See you later, coach.
Okay.
Different strokes.
Melvoin, frolov, schneider and archide.
I'm sorry.
He's in a meeting.
Can i take a message? What's goin' on with the feds and their fuckin' indictment? Just put it right down there.
Here's the bill.
The book is off from the 14th ward.
I don't wanna minimize your position, corrado.
Two prior convictions.
That places you in jeopardy of sentence under the habitual offenders statute.
I'm payin' you four an hour to hear shit that's already eatin' my insides? Who had the peppers and eggs? Over here.
That's what i should've had.
I'd be happy to surrender mr.
Soprano? You can be assured of my full cooperation? You'd rather they kicked in your front door in the middle of the night? It's a target letter, corrado.
I wasn't getting anywhere, so i asked them point blank what your status was.
Just testing.
That's what a good lawyer would do.
- They'd let me know when it was appropriate.
- I may just start paying taxes.
- Fuckin' funny.
- i'm sick and tired of sittin' around here on my hands.
I'm gonna get outta here.
Down to boca with your lady friend? - What the fuck you know? - Works for the joint fitters union, didn't somebody say? Runs their, uh, labor management fund outside the fed's oversight.
If you can't get your friends jobs, what's the purpose of attaining success? The wheels of justice turn slowly.
Take her to florida.
Develop a tan.
- Where's the key to the partners' crapper? - Top right- hand drawer.
Junior, we're working out of our fuckin' lawyer's office.
Is that right? I didn't want to say anything, but this government's case? If there's a leak, it's in tony's boat.
You wanna tell me my nephew's in bed with the justice department, just say it.
Don't stammer around like a fuckin' spastic.
There's something fucking wrong with that guy.
I feel it in my gut.
I'm worried about you, skipper.
I'm sorry, mikey.
You're a good boy.
Fuck this.
I'm goin' to boca.
Deena, when you guys showed up to verbum dei last year, i thought,"soccer.
Give me a break.
" But your dad makes it seem like this, i don't know, metaphor.
Yeah.
Yeah, dad's pretty cool.
You guys, where's al? She was supposed to loan me a cig.
I'll come with.
Al? Ally! Al! If you're smoking, you owe me five dollars! Al? Ally? Ally? - Ally, what are you doing? - Ally! Oh, my god! Ally! Ally! Oh, my god! Her parents split up.
That's why she spends all her time at our house.
But the kid was born with a silver spoon.
Teenage girls are under a lot of stress.
I know this kid.
She's great.
Was it a genuine suicide attempt, or was it a suicidal gesture? "Small cutting" is the clinical term.
What's "large cutting"? O.
J.
In the missing tracksuit? It's a cry for help.
Ah.
Her mother says she tried this before.
A couple times.
What else is going on in your life? Life is putting the prozac to the test.
It's all that business that keeps popping up in the news? I'd rather talk about my daughter.
Principal says girls in sports, they do better.
They don't take the drugs, they don't get knocked up.
But now this shit.
If my daughter ever tried to kill herself-- oh, god! Last week i called you a whore.
I might've been overstatin' the case a little bit.
Oo- hoo.
Mr.
Soprano.
Miss sanfillipo.
I have a check here for you to sign.
Twenty grand.
For research and development into furthering the art and science of metal and ceramic joint fitting.
Where does our research and development take us this time? I was thinking boca raton.
My, my.
You read my mind.
I'm all packed, baby.
I gotta talk to my cousin.
Uh, mr.
Soprano? What? I was waitin' to talk to jerry about how i could use some, uh, wiggle room on this mall job i got in north bergen.
Then i saw you here.
And i thought, "what the hell? I may as well ask the man himself.
" Let's you and i meet.
I can pass my recommends onto my cousin.
Hey, mama livia, how are you? Do you remember me, larry boy barese? Well, i know who you are! You lit an apartment house on fire and scared your mother half to death.
Mama's moving in here on the fifteenth.
I like your shoes, larry boy.
Mama hasn't been well in her mind.
Last week she threw a jar of artichokes at me.
She better not throw any artichokes at me! Ma, how you doin'? - Remember larry? - Water under the bridge.
Yeah.
We're gonna take a walk.
We'll be right back.
You should get some shoes like his.
I'll tell you somethin', tony.
You've always been a fuckin' genius.
But this last move is the best move you ever did.
The feds are never gonna surveil an old folks home.
That's why i got six truckloads of bootleg polident comin' in.
Hey, jimmy.
How you doin'? There he is.
Did you get your mother settled into a suite? They're not sure they're gonna accept her.
They wanna see my financial statement again.
So this office supply chain comin' up from virginia.
What's the deal on them? I spoke to them.
I think they're gonna listen to reason on minority hiring.
You been to games? What've they got? What the fuck? Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Knees high, colgiavani! Eyes ahead! Energy, girls, energy! I know we're all upset about all that's been going on, but we still have a season left! Come on! Let's go! Hey, coach.
Hey, fellas.
Uh, sorry, but practice is closed today.
I'm trying to keep the team focused.
What're you doin'? You're leavin' us? After two fuckin' years? I told that reporter to wait until after sectionals before he put that in the paper.
Coach, look at my little girl out there.
- You're breakin' her heart! - Believe me, art.
I am hugely conflicted.
But rhode island doubled my salary! They're giving my daughter a full ride! What could i do? - They made me an offer i couldn't refuse.
- You haven't heard ours.
Come on, sil.
Look, buddy, i got a family too.
I happen to have a daughter who loves playing soccer very much.
Just kiddin' about the offer thing.
Hey, nobody blew a whistle! Let's not get lazy out here! Come on! - Why don't you go fuck yourself? - Excuse me? Hey, med, want me to tell your father-- this is my field.
Why don't you give me ten laps around the goals! Whatever.
Make that 20.
Anybody else wanna mouth off? Good! Come on! Let's circle up for keep- away! Let's go! Over here! Get in a big circle! Go! Come on! Move it! Out here! I need some people out here! Come on! Let's go! Gimme your glass.
Who would've ever thought we could've been this contented? I did.
As soon as i saw you, i knew.
You're a sweetheart.
If only they knew the other side of you.
They'd eat me for breakfast.
Mmm.
I've been lookin' at some real estate.
Some nice houses on the market.
Maybe you'd like something bigger.
No, corrado.
This is our place.
You know how long we been comin' here? Sixteen years.
And every one of them good.
How's junior, junior? Hmm? He's catching some shuteye.
Oh.
You're such a powerhouse.
When you kiss me down there, you're like a great artist.
You got a real instinct for it.
Pass me the red peppers.
You know the thrill you give? Just keep it to yourself, okay, roberta? Yeah.
All to myself.
Corrado? Yeah? Why the big secret? About what? Oral sex.
What's so terrible about pleasing a woman? You always have to talk about everything.
I wanna know why! It's complicated.
Yeah.
But why? Why? Because they think if you'll suck pussy, you'll suck anything.
Oh, you're kidding.
It's a sign of weakness.
And possibly a sign that you're afinocch'.
A fag? That's ridiculous.
How would the two even translate? What are you gonna do? I mean, i don't make the rules.
Hey, it's not big lifestyle choice, shylockin'.
My aunts quintima and gemma.
They got money out earnin' on the street.
It's like bein' a banker.
You help people.
Chiara broke down in tears when she heard the coach was leaving.
You don't wanna talk about it, fine.
No, i-- i gotta go pick up carmela at her sister's.
Let me ask you a question.
Why does your wife hate me? Charmaine doesn't hate you.
Yeah.
You lie like i play the french horn.
What? Look at the fuckin'faccim over here.
Wearing a cap in a nice restaurant like this.
That's one of the things i hated most when i had my restaurant.
It's values today.
Standards are crumbling.
Would it have killed this coach to stick around until my kid graduates? Then let him stay four years for chiara.
Hi.
That burns my ass.
Where you goin'? That would be great.
- Take your hat off.
- Excuse me? They don't sell hot dogs here.
They took the bleachers out two years ago.
It's my hat.
I'll wear it where i want.
How you doin'? - Thank you.
- Look at him.
Douche bag.
Good for you! Um, send them a bottle of montepulciano.
And, uh, get the license plate of these two guys sittin' behind artie.
Get the valet to do it.
They look like cops.
I hear a voice well, look who's here! Hi! Tony, look who's here! Alphonse, how you doin'? Good.
Yeah.
You feelin' better? Gonna miss that left foot of yours.
Tony.
No, it's okay, mr.
Soprano.
I'm gonna play.
No shit.
Pardon my french there.
You sure, ally? Yeah, i-- i had a long talk with coach hauser and-- i'm gonna play.
That's all.
- I told her she didn't have to.
- Just said she wanted to.
- Yeah.
- Did coach pressure you, ally? No, mrs.
Soprano.
He would never do anything like that.
How's he gonna pressure her? He didn't have thecoglione to stick around.
Dad.
What? It's what we all wanted.
Okay.
Right? Long as everything's, uh-- look, we're trying to watch this, guys, okay? Kick ass, girls.
Right? Good night.
Listen, roberta.
What i said earlier? Mm- hmm.
I'm serious.
You discuss that with anyone, we're gonna go ten rounds.
We just skimmed 20 thou off the development fund, and you're worried about a littlelecca fica? Will you keep it down? All right.
I'll tell everyone you're a good kisser.
I just won't say where.
That's my reputation you're playin' with.
Honey, my lips are sealed.
Not too sealed, right? Visual on corrado soprano and female travel companion, Hey, hey, hey! How's my boy today, huh? Go, go, go! I'm lookin' for, uh, coach hauser? That's me.
Petey! Come here! A little somethin' from your friends at the bada bing club.
Brand new, surround sound, hdtv compatible.
- Well, tell them thanks, but-- - this fucker's gettin' heavy.
If this is about rhode island, tell your friends it's a done deal.
I already signed.
I don't know what it's about, but the tv stays here.
Put it down.
No! I mean it! Pick it up! Get the goddamn thing off my property! Look, pal, i don't think you quite understand.
Oh, i understand only too well.
You tell your friends i know all about them.
If you did, you'd do what they want.
Is that a threat? How quickly things change.
Let me tell you something, guido-- my name is clarence.
I have friends in law enforcement, and they would call this extortion.
Come on.
You tell those assholes don hauser will not be intimidated! I will not be threatened or bribed! I go where i want to when i want to! Hey! All day, every day, Oh, and those nights.
Bobbi, you are so lucky with this guy.
You have no idea.
He's a sweetheart underneath it all.
I wish i could get lou to be like him.
More sensitive, if you know what i mean.
That coral looks good.
I don't understand why i always have to ask him for oral sex.
Not like you and your corrado.
Bebe, listen.
I know we always used to yak about our sex lives.
I think it would be better if we didn't anymore.
Okay.
I mean it.
Sure.
It's just you're lucky, that's all.
- So, ma, you gonna come to the big game? - Game? What game? Miss meadow's soccer team is goin' to the sectionals.
- Nobody tells me anything.
- Everybody hear me just tell my mother about the game? Can anybody think of anything else to talk about except soccer? All right.
Uncle jun', how was boca? Wonderful.
I don't go down enough.
That's not what i heard.
About what? Nothing.
I'm sorry.
I-- i don't know what i'm talkin' about.
- Last time, aunt bobbi bought me a live piranha.
- You believe that was a piranha.
That woman is not your aunt! Livia, i warned you.
Stata zit'.
Bobbi's a sweet, sweet girl.
- What the hell's the matter with you? - what did i say? This wife of yours.
She's got the giggles.
- Can i be excused? - We just sat down.
- How are you gonna play tomorrow, you don't eat? - He's right.
You need protein.
- No, i don't because i quit.
- You quit.
What are you talkin' about? With ally back, you can go to the state.
A girl slits her wrists and you can think about is a game? It wasn't like friggin' cobain.
It was just a little suicidal gesture.
- Come back here! - You're not excused! Oh, let her go.
Go ahead, honey! Ma! Why don't you butt out? Only time you act like a grandmother is when you wanna score some points.
I will not eat in this house.
Junior, take me home.
- I'm not finished.
- Youmangia, uncle jun'.
She'll come back.
The stukas and messerschmitts.
They have command of the skies.
The stuka is quite a formidable weapon.
I don't know.
I'm glad meadow quit.
That coach pushes them to the brink.
It's unhealthy.
Well, what do we mean when we talk about commitment? And that asshole.
He thinks he can just walk away? Watch it, cowboy.
Don't start.
What was with you and uncle jun' tonight? You better not get in that coach's face.
Tell me about uncle jun'.
No, no, stop it! Stop it! I can't, i can't.
Yes, you can.
I know you want to.
All right.
Okay.
Gabby dante's cousin and bobbi go to the same nail parlor.
And-- your uncle-- no, i shouldn't say.
I shouldn't! Come on.
Okay, okay! Okay.
Well, let's just say your uncle has acquired a taste for her.
Uncle jun' gives head.
World- class.
The old man's whistlin' to the wheat field? Don't be disgusting.
He's a bushman of the kalahari! That's why i don't tell you anything.
'cause you don't know when to stop.
Oh, my god, if this ever gets out.
Like you don't do it, or any of your friends.
Bunch of hypocrites.
Hey.
What goes on in this bedroom stays here, and you know that.
Once a year? I can resist the urge to gossip.
Arthur? You're home? The grease in that "fryolater.
" I'm gonna smell like a cheap french fry for the rest of my life.
So this is why we scrimp and save to send our kids to that school, huh? So that you can have our name just dragged through the mud? What? Shelly hauser called me this afternoon.
Your friends sent somewayos down there with a stolen tv set to try and bribe the coach.
From your friends at bada bing.
As if a tv set is gonna get somewhere with a man like coach hauser! A tv set? Arthur, do you honestly believe that they're gonna stop there? They tried bribing this man.
What's next? Always with the extreme scenarios.
No, come on, arthur.
Tell me.
What's next? You grew up in the neighborhood.
Don't pretend like you don't know what tony soprano is capable of.
Who is it? I found your dog.
What? No, you're mistaken.
My dog is upstairs.
Golden retriever, blue nylon collar? Honey, who is it? Evenin', ma'am.
He has our dog.
Where's petey? I thought he was locked in.
Yeah, come get him.
I wouldn't want petey to get hit by a car.
Petey, petey! You okay? Come here.
What, no reward? Just kiddin'.
I'm an animal lover.
You okay, boy? Med, you can cheer up about the coach, 'cause i got a feelin' he's gonna reconsider the big move.
- Tony! - Did you do something? What could i do? Point is he's gonna stick around and finish what he started with the girls, that's all.
That's it.
Well, did i tell you? You need to develop some appreciation'cause you got people all around you tryin' to help you and all you do is bitch and moan! I see this coach tryin' to abandon his team.
I see your friends gettin' worked up.
So i try to do somethin'! Is that why you think we're so upset, dad? Because a coach that most of us can't even stand is leaving? So, w- what difference does that make? You don't have to love him to be successful.
Catfish hunter hated billy martin.
Bill parcells, his guys, they can't stand him till they start to win! Coach hauser had sex with ally! What? That's why she cut herself.
That's why i've been practically living at her house.
All right, hold on a minute.
Maybe-- with ally? Meadow, this is horrible.
This is also a very serious accusation.
- What exactly did ally say? - That they had sex! More than once! That she's not a virgin anymore! All right.
Ally's a very pretty girl.
Maybe there was-- maybe there was some confusion.
Maybe she wanted to look like she was sophisticated in you guys' eyes.
Dad! What? Tony! What if this had been meadow? What kind of confusion? A girl that age, the coach should not have been in any position where there's even a remote possibility of confusion! I'm losin' my fuckin' mind here.
Tony, go downstairs, will you, please, so me and meadow can talk? Jesus fuckin' christ! God, now what did i do? Meadow.
Mom, i only told so he wouldn't make coach hauser stay here.
Meadow, this is a horrible, horrible thing.
Mom, she's in love with him, but he won't leave his wife.
Leave his wife? Meadow! Now, meadow, he didn't touch you, right? No, but what about deena? If she finds out about her father, it'll totally destroy her life.
Just tell dad to let him go anywhere he wants, okay? Come here.
Oh.
Moldonado and his brother, they'll handle it.
Mal owes me a solid.
No.
No hired help.
This is personal.
Very glad to hear you say that.
I'll give him a real after- school special.
You outta your fuckin' mind? What? I know you kidnapped the coach's dog and all that other shit.
But if you do one more thing-- aw, shut up, arthur.
You know, you're five fuckin' time zones behind your own ass.
No, i'm fuckin' serious.
You hear me, tony? - You're serious? - Yeah.
You wanna hear serious? You wanna know what your wonderful fuckin' coach did? He fucked little ally vandermeed and who knows who else he fucked.
What are you talkin' about? "Fucked"? - That's crazy.
- That's why that kid slit her wrists, youstunad'.
And my daughter should know this shit, should have to think about that filth? No.
No.
That self- righteous prick put his dick in my little girl's soccer teammate.
She's in eleventh grade, for christ's sake.
Oh, my god.
Chiara.
He drove her home from the supermarket one night.
- Oh, my little girl.
- Fuckin' degenerate son of a bitch.
He deserves to die.
Betrayin' children? Artie, believe me, he ain't gonna be doin' that shit no more.
I guarantee you that.
He's in the pro shop! I don't need a cart! Nobody told you to put my nephew under surveillance.
I know, junior.
I know.
I just wanted to be on the safe side, and i'm glad i did.
Because your nephew is not just hangin' out at that titty bar and goin' to his daughter's soccer games.
Go ahead.
Twice last week he goes toward the medical center, then they lose him.
A girlfriend.
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
He's seein' this russian slit, very open.
Your nephew is talking to the feds.
Where else would he be goin' where it would require such precautions? And what the fuck else would be the big secret? What am i, a swami? Hey.
Silvio! You're lookin' good.
I like that hat.
Mikey palmice.
How you feel? You shanked it, sil.
I still got the coach on my mind.
We got fresh air, sunshine, a beautiful day.
Forget about that shit.
- Thank god for golf some days.
- I'm trying to concentrate here.
- Did you get any golf in down in boca, uncle jun'? - Fuckin' manners! Please! So you play, uh, manatee or what's the name of the other one? Will you let the man tee off? You yap worse than six barbers.
If you'd have shut up during that game against mountain lakes, you wouldn't have missed that fuckin' fly ball.
I was ashamed to face my friends.
Good mikey.
Better.
What do you mean,"better"? Well, you know, it'sbetter.
- Whoa, junior! - "Whoa, junior" what? Uncle junior's into muff.
What? Oh, did i say "muff"? I meant "rough.
" Good shot.
What's that smell? Did you guys go to a sushi bar? What the fuck's he talkin' about? I don't know.
I thought you were a baccala man, uncle jun'.
What are you doin' eatin' sushi? You're fuckin' runnin' off at the mouth, you know that? South of the border? Down mexico way listen, my friend.
At least i can deal with my own problems, unlike some i know.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Take it however you want.
Don't bullshit with me.
Guys, guys.
We here to play golf or what? Come on.
South of the border? Where the tuna fish play arthur.
Everybody's just so upset.
The mother's on sedatives.
She's completely unable to deal.
The father was in europe somewhere.
They haven't reached him.
The little girl, ally, she thinks it's all her fault.
Lousy bastard.
He's not gonna get away with this.
You got that right.
What? Hand me that bottle of bug be gone, will ya? Arthur, what? Somethin' goin' on, artie? Your mobster friend gonna do somethin' crazy? If i had any balls, i would do it myself.
Arthur, you do have balls.
That's why you're not like him.
Fuck it.
Fuck the world! Artie, this isn't makin' some slob take his hat off.
This is beating a man to death or cutting his balls off or what? You can't tell me coach hauser doesn't deserve it! Okay, but-- listen to you.
Think about what you're saying.
Yeah, you tell me.
Who's worse? Tony soprano or that child- molesting fuck? I trusted him.
I'd like to rip his heart out of his chest! Jesus christ, arthur.
I cannot believe you only think about yourself! Myself? Myself? I resent that, charmaine! Junior, what the fuck? What's the matter? What? That bullshit with the sushi? Nah, i-- i don't know what he was talkin' about.
He, uh, he babbles.
What was that? You're another one! Me? Hey, he completely lacked respect.
Sick and tired of having to make excuses for him all the time.
- It isn't right.
- It's'cause he's a fucking mental weakling.
- I know.
- You don't know shit, mikey! He's seein' a psychiatrist, for christ's sake.
How about that, huh? My nephew is seein' a psychiatrist.
Makes me wanna cry.
- No shit? - Indictment's being prepared.
He's spilling his guts.
- I fuckin' knew it.
- No, you didn't fuckin' know it! I just told you.
God knows how much of our family business he airs.
If the place is bugged-- that stuff's not admissible.
It's that, uh, that, that doctor/patient privilege, just like us and melvoin.
Melvoin's a lawyer.
He's in the fuckin' ballpark.
Suppose this shrink gets scared or somethin'? Do you remember those fuckin' escovedo brothers, whoever the fuck, in california? They whacked their parents? Their shrink was in a fuckin' witness chair.
Shit.
Anthony wants to play games, okay.
I taught him games.
I taught him how to play baseball.
You talking about clippin' him? Nobody would slap my wrist if i did.
There's guys in prison that have done half the damage this prick has.
The judicial system has gotten much better in dealing with sexual predators.
Oh, yeah.
Let's impeach him.
If you're telling me of intent to harm this person, i must warn you of my duty to alert law enforcement.
I don't know why i tell you anything.
I'm interested in why you feel punishing this man falls upon you.
- Well, it sure doesn't fall upon you.
- What do you mean? What would you do? You'd call the cops, who'd get some judge who'd give him psychiatric counseling.
So maybe he could talk about his unhappy childhood and we could have sympathy for the fuck'cause he's the real victim here, right? You know what you do? Stick your head in the sand'cause that's what people like you do.
Discredit psychology all you want, but i continue to ask the question: Why do you think you, anthony soprano, always has to set things right? Hey, paulie.
Is tony in? Tony! - Artie! - Hey, ton', i gotta talk to ya.
- Kinda busy right now.
- I gotta talk to you.
All right, we'll, uh, finish later, all right? Come on in.
Hey.
It's about, uh, the thing.
You know what? Nothing's happened yet, has it? Just gotta make the call.
I'm savorin' the moment.
- You gotta call it off.
- Don't worry about it.
You got nothin' to do with it.
You don't go nowheres near this.
I don't care about that! It's wrong, tony.
You can't do it.
It's wrong? Oh, what he did isn't? I'm beggin' you.
I hate the guy too.
What do you wanna do, artie? You wanna call the cops? Here.
Here's the phone.
They'll arrest him, right? He'll get out in two fuckin' years, move to saskatchewan.
Then you know what he'll do? He'll teach girls' soccer, and he'll start all over again.
You don't think i wanna rip him apart like a fuckin' chicken? I drove by his house.
I almost got out.
But you didn't.
Something happens to him, who's it gonna help, huh? His daughter? That girl? No, you, tony.
And silvio and me and whoever.
It's just gonna make us feel better.
So don't even think about calling this justice.
Leave it to the cops.
Let me ask you a question.
Who the fuck do you think you are comin' in here, talkin' to me like this? Now your boyfriend is finished.
You deal with it.
Okay? Tony, don't do it.
This is me asking you.
Why don't you get the fuck outta here? Come on.
Get the fuck out! Go! Let's go.
Come on, come on.
Oh, yeah oh, yeah dewayne, dewayne woke up yeah yeah yeah dewayne corrado.
I was worried! You usually call me when you're this late.
I bought us some barbecued chicken, some salad and some lemon meringue pie.
But i got so hungry, i had a piece.
Did i tell you to keep your mouth shut? What? Did i tell you to keep your goddamned mouth shut? No, corrado, don't hit me! You stupid, fucking, blabbermouth cunt! I don't understand.
Get your pencils and your crap and the rest of your shit and don't be here tomorrow! Oh, no, corrado, don't leave! I love you! I am so sorry! No, corrado! Yeah.
You there at the place? Is he in the house? Yeah.
Fuck it.
Walk away.
Just fuckin' walk away.
Don't do it.
Fuck! All right.
Leave it alone.
Yeah, no problem.
Son of a bitch.
Lynn, we are here live as colleagues and neighbors were shocked to hear of charges brought against donald hauser, coach of the verbum dei high school girls' soccer team.
Alerted by a student friend of the alleged victim, whose name cannot be revealed because of her age, police issued a warrant for hauser's arrest this evening.
Tony.
In my hometown tony, jesus.
Where i live you smell like lord calvert.
Tony.
We don't talk we all get together any kind of weather and we do the camel walk what is with you tonight? Tony, what is this? Oh, jesus.
Mixed with alcohol.
Oh, tony, that's wonderful.
- Happy trails.
Here, let's get you to bed.
- Carmela.
Carmela.
I didn't hurt nobody.
Call the shrink.
Tell her the town's gonna go to the fuckin' mormons.
I hear a voice from the back of the room i hear a voice cry out you want something good yeah, come on a little closer by the front of the stage i said come on a little close wanna see your face you see, i met a devil namedbuena buena and i feel all right now i have to tell ya i thinks it's time for me to finally introduce you to thebuena, buena, buena good, good, good