The Tick (1994) s01e09 Episode Script

[Alarm buzzing.]
[Sign buzzing.]
[Propeller whirring.]
- That was my last 50 cents.
- You know, I have a theory about this.
- I really wanted those chips.
- It's a worldwide conspiracy.
[Rumbling.]
- [Alarm buzzing.]
- Hold that thought.
[Metal clinking.]
Big dog.
[Crashing.]
[Zapping.]
Really big dog.
So you were saying conspiracy? Worldwide, I got evidence.
Hmm, you may have something there.
Let's go get those chips.
[Beeping.]
- Did you set the timer? - Yes.
- Did you press start? - Yes.
- And you're sure the door's closed? - Yes! - Did you set the timer? - Tick, it's no use.
It's broken.
We might as well put the pizza back in the fridge.
[Grunts.]
Oh, now the door's stuck.
Step aside, Arthur.
I have a knack for fixing things electrical.
Oops! [laughing.]
Not to worry.
So that's your knack? - One must always try, Arthur.
- It's all right.
It was broken anyway.
We'll get another one tomorrow.
Splendid, chum.
This looks like a job for legal tender.
Ah, excellent.
You have returned with yet another piece of my sinister puzzle.
Give me the device.
[Laughs.]
Yes! [Growling.]
No, dog.
No, I don't wanna play.
Come on, quit it.
Whoa! [Panting.]
Here, my little sister, take this and plug it into I know, I know.
You don't have to 'splain.
You're always 'splaining and 'splaining.
It goes right here.
Amelia, you are such a child.
- Oh, here it comes.
Lots of 'splaining.
- [Toy squeaking.]
You don't know what it's like to be a criminal mastermind.
You don't understand the pressure I'm under.
To have to think evil thoughts up all the time.
Oh! There's another one.
Mm-hm.
[laughs.]
Good.
Now, where was I? - [Amelia.]
Evil thoughts.
- [Boy.]
Yeah, evil thoughts.
But, to understand me, you've got to understand the criminal mastermind mentality.
We prize one thing above all else.
And do you know what that is? - [Growling.]
- [Squeaking.]
[Clears throat.]
Do you know what that is? Yeah, brains.
[Laughing.]
Yes, brains! Lovely, beautiful, thinking brains.
[Glass squeaking.]
How many other kids mastered quantum physics before they could walk? Or built their first particle accelerator during kindergarten? Or or have their very own mega-multi-devastator cannon? It's wicked.
And let me tell you, when I get that last part, I'll be doing some big, big evil.
- [Growling.]
- [Squeaking.]
Dog, in the morning, you're gonna fetch me a microwave oven.
The dimwits that manufactured it have no idea of its many evil settings.
Got it? [Propeller whirring.]
[Boy.]
Rows an rows of useless consumerjunk.
Dog, stop at the next salesman you see.
Excuse me, sir, but coul you tell me where microwave ovens are locate? Huh? Oh Down 40 aisles and make a left.
"You are here.
" Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Being here is a lot like being lost, Arthur.
Yeah.
I always hate coming to these giant mondo-stores, but they have the best prices.
Not a problem.
We merely have to find the proper "here," and microwaves will follow.
Off to find the elusive "here," my friend.
The thrill of the hunt is on.
There, maybe there, perhaps that way.
[Laughing.]
Oh, what fun.
Great.
One left.
What a bargain.
Ah, life is good.
[Boy.]
That's the one, og.
I gotta have that one! Fetch! Hey, dog, that's ours.
We saw it first.
Egad, is that your brain? [Growling.]
I don't think he's gonna give it back.
Well, then we have a problem because I'm not giving it back either.
[Stammering.]
Hey, you big blue jerk! Let go! I got plans for this microwave.
Well, we've got many a TV dinner to heat unevenly ourselves.
OK, then.
Prepare for the wrath of Charles.
- [Growling.]
- [Grunting.]
Like a wolf! Help! Tick! Help! Arthur's being attacked by major-name-brand appliances.
Help, Tick.
I can use help any time now.
Oh, fickle fate, so would that I could clone myself.
Take that, objects of modern convenience.
And this and that! [Laughs.]
Cool! Evil wins again! And this and that and a whole lot more of this.
Uh, Tick, I think you can stop now.
You know, for a cord this long, $10.
8 is really quite a bargain! [screams.]
So how will you be paying? Cash, check or credit card? [Sighs.]
Credit card.
Definitely credit card.
I'm starting to suspect this is more than a simple shopper's tiff.
Evil is afoot.
Ah, the city reservoir.
Now, if I can just control my fall enough I'll be able to land in the water.
Must use every muscle in sinewy concert to guide my freefall.
Oh, yes.
Looking good.
Oh, looking very good.
Tick! Are you all right? Physically or spiritually? Hurry, hop in the cab.
I can see the robot.
We can still catch him.
I must now leave your warm embrace, earth mother.
Duty calls.
Four, five, six and tip.
Thanks.
What manner of evil hideout is this? It's so so nice.
Hello? Hello, boys? Please, come on in.
We've been expecting you.
Little Charles has always been unusually bright.
[Man.]
Almost too bright, some might say.
[Munching.]
So let's see if we have this right.
You nice folks are the parents of the villain that owns that robot dog? You mean Skippy? He was a darling puppy we gave to Charles for his birthday.
[Man.]
We were hoping it would distract him from this "evil" thing he's so into.
But Skippy met with an unfortunate car-chasing accident.
He had this habit of chasing cars that were heading toward him and well Mm, I can see how that would be a problem.
Hm.
- Thanks, these are great.
- You're welcome.
But that didn't get Charles down.
He just threw a few parts together, a bit of brain-transplant surgery, and Skippy was as good as new, if somewhat different.
[Man.]
Then he got the idea to do it to himself.
I mean, that transparent dome head.
- [Arthur.]
Transparent what? - [Woman.]
Oh, that's right.
You haven't met Charles yet.
Ah, some kids get their ears pierced, others it's a unique haircut.
Charles likes people to see his brain.
Would you like another shake? - Yes, please.
- Yes, please.
Crisis, crisis, crisis! Charles, crisis! That bug man is talking to Mommy and Daddy.
[Singsong voice.]
I am displeased.
An that's Charles on his favorite blanket.
Is that an aorable tushy, or is that an aorable tushy? Oh, man, I hate it when she tells those stories.
I'll put a stop to this.
Those super fools have got to go.
[Tick.]
Well, let me tell you, I think what you have is basically a goo boy.
Perhaps a ta more twiste than most, but a goo boy.
I on't think there's anything wrong with him that a big hug wouln't fix.
[Woman.]
Oh, I on't think that's the problem.
[Grunting.]
Hug this! You're not gonna hurt the funny bunny man.
He's not a bunny.
He's a moth.
And yes, he goes too.
- No! - Amelia, let me explain something about evil.
Please, no more 'splaining! [Tick.]
Hey, Charles.
You in there? The Tick would like to "rap" with you.
- [Sputtering.]
- [Sputtering.]
- Well, hello there, little man.
- Don't call me little, obnoxious dip.
Oh, now, now.
No need to get worked up.
You know, Chuck, I might be a big, old superhero, but I think I know where you're "coming from.
" Pre-adolescence is a rough ride for anyone.
Oh, for sure, man.
Let me go get my act together.
Wait right there, dude.
I'll be back.
I really think I'm getting through.
I have a knack with kids.
Not like your knack with microwaves, I hope.
You know, you can be quite cryptic sometimes.
Evil, evil, evil, come on, evil, evil.
Oh, this would be a great time for an evil thought.
Uh! Dog! Get down there and make mincemeat of those two.
[Growling.]
[Toy squeaks.]
Steady, Arthur.
Animals smell fear.
Let me do the talking.
So we meet again.
Skippy, is it? Ah, yes.
That's a nice doggy toy you have.
I hear there's exciting developments in the field of rubber squeak toys.
[laughs.]
I think we're gonna wish he kept that toy in his mouth.
- [Chomping.]
- [Grunting.]
Attention, interlopers.
Yo, you guys are really pushing me to new heights of evilness.
I would thank you if I wasn't so evil! 'Cause only someone as evil as me would pull the moon out of it's orbit and smash it into the Earth.
[Both muttering.]
He's doing it.
He's gonna smash the moon into the Earth.
- That little monster.
- Don't be silly, Arthur.
This is just his youthful cry for help, his cry for a a hug.
Don't worry, Charles.
There's someone in this big, crazy world who understands, who's willing to help, who's willing to hug.
Ooh, man.
He gives me the creeps.
Oh, well.
I won't let that wreck my big moment.
'Cause I'm beside myself with evil.
There's only one thing to do.
Put my hands on my hips and laugh.
[Laughing.]
[Laughing.]
That's it, laugh! Laugh with me.
[Laughing.]
[Both laughing.]
[Man on raio.]
Massive tial waves are being reporte, panic in the streets.
The moon has been knocke out of its orbit an is on a collision course with Earth.
It's the en, it's the en.
Sweetheart, I think Charles may be going just a little bit too far.
Yes, dear.
I believe you're right.
It's time to put our collective parental foot down.
- [Chomping.]
- [Both muttering.]
Charles.
Charles.
Charles, you put the moon back this minute.
[Woman.]
Listen to your father.
He's right.
- No.
- Charles, I said put the moon back.
And I said no.
Charles, your mother and I are very, very disappointed in you.
But due to our commitment to progressive and modern parenting, we'll trust you to work this out for yourself.
He's smashing the moon into the Earth, and you let him work it out? You don't have kids, do you? You have to try to see things from their point of view sometimes.
This is the '0s.
We're sure that Charles' desire to smash the moon into the Earth is a normal part of his development and that it's just a phase that will pass.
Soon, we hope.
Now, don't you or your sister be late for supper.
Hey, this is pretty serious.
- [Grunts.]
- [Growling.]
Stop it.
Stop it.
Bad dog.
Bad dog, bad dog Whoa! Come on.
Stop toying with him, Skippy.
Finish him off, and I'll reward you with a new batch of doggy toys.
[Barking.]
Whoo! That boy's logic wigs me out.
[Growling.]
Aha! Providence once again smiles on the blue one.
If I can just reach the object of Skippy's affections Whoa, whoa, whoa! [Straining.]
Ha! Here, boy.
Does Skippy want to play? [Barking.]
OK, doggy.
Uh, Tick It's time to play fetch.
Tick! [Screaming.]
[Laughing.]
No more dentists, no more flu shots, no more homework.
[Laughing.]
Charles, crisis! [Charles.]
What? Oh! How dare you come in and defile my secret domain.
I dare because I care, Charles.
The Tick is one happening guy.
Please.
Would you stop it with the hip talk? - You don't like it? - No.
- Not earlier? - Not ever.
Huh.
Well, in that case, then, put the moon back, demon waif! - Make me.
- But you're gonna destroy the Earth! Well, hey, Tick, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
That's evil for you.
Ah! I'll break a few eggs with you, you little brat.
Oh, big man.
Pick on the brainy little kid.
[Skippy growls.]
Can I get off this train now, please? [Grunting.]
Dog, destroy him.
Only a microsecond to make my move.
Think.
I could No Maybe No, that only works on ducks.
Ducks! Oh, good one.
I shall duck.
[Rumbling.]
[Giggling.]
That was fun.
Let's do it again.
[Rustling.]
Dog? Is that you, boy? [Gasps.]
Breathing is good.
I want to make a habit out of it.
Dog? Skippy? Are you all right? [Howls.]
Ah, don't worry, Skippy.
I'll save you.
[Metal clinking.]
There.
I hope this works.
It has to.
Skippy, speak to me, boy.
Speak to me! [Skippy barking, panting through speaker.]
Yay! Skippy's OK! Yipee! Uh, Arthur, is this a warm moment, or should we be disturbed? Well, you're in some pretty deep water.
Cleaning this mess up is definitely coming out of your future allowance.
By the look of things, that'll take about ten years.
Ten years? Mom how am I gonna rebuild my lab? It's not fair.
It's all his fault.
[Chuckling.]
Well, if reinforcing family values is my fault, then I think my super-shoulders can bear the brunt of that blame.
- Right, Arthur? - I guess.
Ah, yes, grateful.
Grateful because the family unit is the glue, the mucilage, the various safety-tested adhesives that keep the fabric of our society together.
Bless that big, sticky quilt that blankets this land of ours in caring and sharing.
Little man, have we learned our lesson? - Oh, yeah.
You bet.
- Great.
Hup!