The Tick (2001) s01e09 Episode Script

Not yet.
Surprise!
Aah!
Tick!
Oh, I'm sorry, comrades,
I thought we were
being ambushed.
"Hassy one year 'nersary."
"Hassy one year 'nersary!"
It's "Happy anniversary."
Oh. You shouldn't have.
Yes, you really
shouldn't have.
So, what are we celebrating?
The day we met,
don't you remember?
Not really. No.
Sure you do.
I ended up in the hospital.
You made me go out
and fight Apocalypse Cow.
Oh, yeah, that 50-foot tall,
fire-spewing bovine.
She was a sticky wicket.
Apocalypse Cow.
Apocalypse Cow,
Apocalypse Wow!
Arthur is broken!
Give me 200 ccs
of tender loving care, stat!
Okay, what've we got?
Shock, contusions,
possible neck injury,
Second-degree
teat-singeing.
Firebigcow
Apocalypse Cow, chum,
the worst kind.
Nurse, set us up
for full x-rays, head and chest.
Yes, doctor.
Say, do you think
you could soup him up a bit?
Excuse me?
Maybe give him a metal arm
with a laser in it
or something?
At first I was sure
it had all been a dream.
That was comforting.
But then
It was
just horrible!
It had all happened.
Ma'am, there is
a mummy right behind you.
It was real
Oh, no!
No good can come of this.
Which meant
that the Tick was real,
and he was
in my living room.
Fancy.
"We need one of those."
Ahem.
Good morning, Arthur!
I am the wild blue yonder,
the frontline
in the never-ending battle
between good and not so good.
Together with my stalwart
sidekick Arthur
and the magnanimous help
of some other folks I know,
we form the yin
to villainy's malevolent yang.
Destiny has chosen us.
Wicked men, you face the Tick.
You know,
I'm not sure, really.
I was over there for a while,
then I was in the kitchen,
then I just wandered
around for a bit.
I ended up here.
I'm taking stock
of our secret headquarters
apparatus,
making a list
of everything we have
at our disposal
in our 2-man war against evil.
I believe the talking box
will come in handy.
Aw!
"Talking box."
Oh, I dug
through your crime library.
What?
So many villains.
A newspaper-clipping monument
to this city's dire needs.
These are mine.
They're private!
Yes, and alphabetized,
color-coated
in those plastic tabs
Clearly another one
of your special talents.
It must be added
to our list of resources.
Aw.
"Arthur's driving obsession
to organize."
Yes, I'm anal retentive.
Fine.
Believe me, I would
change that if I could.
Good lord, man!
Retain that anus!
One day its fruit
may be the only thing
that stands between us
and total oblivion.
I don't know about you,
Arthur,
but if some guy brought up
my anus the first time
he came into my apartment,
I would kick him out.
Believe me, I tried.
Tick, about us
and total oblivion
I'm not sure I'm ready
for all this.
I didn't realize everything
was going to move so fast.
Well, neither did I.
I've only been in the city
for 24 hours.
I've already got
a secret headquarters
and a sidekick who flies,
no less.
See, now this is
what I'm talking about.
Who said that I was
your sidekick?
Who said that this is
our secret headquarters?
Arthur, I know
that our buddy picture
is just beginning to bud,
but I think it's time
we grappled with the core
of your being.
What?
I sense resistance.
Look, can you blame me?
It's all happening so fast.
I quit my job.
That may have been
a mistake.
Then, boom! I'm burned
by a giant cow.
I wind up in the hospital.
You know, there was
this guy that I worked with
Metcalfe.
He decided to quit his job
and try the superhero thing.
Good for him.
Yeah, well, apparently
it didn't work out so well.
Apparently now he needs
a machine to poop.
That's unfortunate.
Who are you?
You're in my house.
I don't even know you.
You know me, Arthur.
You always have.
I'm the you
you want to be.
The only thing stopping you
from being me is you.
That doesn't make
any sense.
Come now, chum, let's deal
with the problem at hand.
You want to be a superhero,
but you're afraid.
It's really
Believe me, I understand.
I've heard of fear,
and I've seen its effects.
It's no good.
Arthur, don't let
fear's bad apple
spoil the barrel
of your virtue.
Virtue?
Yes, virtue, man.
You're fat with it.
When it comes to love
for your fellow man
you're a fat, fat fatty!
And if you don't let some
of that love out soon,
you're going to puff up
and explode!
You know what? We can talk
about this later.
I'm going to go out,
get a bite to eat,
you know, clear my head.
Check. Right behind you.
That is when Arthur decided
unequivocally
that we were a team,
and we've been like this
ever since.
Thick as thieves,
well, you know,
without all the stealing
and marauding and so forth.
Hang on, Tick.
I hadn't decided anything.
Oh, well, that was the day
when the four of us
all became
one big happy family.
Happy? Yes, well,
I seem to recall.
Janet hating you, Tick.
Janet?
Ahem. Janet?
What?
I've asked you five times.
You haven't given me
an answer.
Okay, can you see
that I'm busy?
Yes, and I respect that.
I just need to know.
Can you drive me
to the mechanic?
I need to pick up
the Manuelmobile.
I told you
I would drive you
when I am done.
Okay, good. So we're agreed.
Who else was present
at the scene of the disaster?
Oh! Did I tell you I had
this Tick guy checked out?
No.
Yeah, I tapped every source
I had: FBI, CIA, Interpol,
the Vatican Black Book.
No one knows
anything about him.
Not one trace.
Apparently he doesn't exist.
Not existing
Yes, that is suspicious.
What weapons were used
to combat the assailant?
He threw a dump truck
at Apocalypse Cow.
A dump truck!
Yeah, dump trucks are heavy.
What time do you think
we might head over there?
Because I think
they close at 5:00.
Everything was going fine.
I had everything covered
till this big blue idiot
blows in from nowhere and
turns everything upside down.
Anytime before 5:00
is good for me.
Step one:
We need an arch-enemy,
the most powerful, deadly,
and brilliant
criminal mastermind
we can find.
Someone who will burn
his fetid midnight oil
hatching up 1,000 plots
to annihilate us.
Someone within easy
commuting distance
would be a plus.
Yes, I'll have
the number 3, please.
For here?
No. To go, please.
Captain Liberty! Batmanuel!
Hey, it's the new guy.
Sure, you can sit here.
Perhaps you two
can help.
I need a nemesis,
the bigger the better.
The biggest,
if possible.
What, do you think you're just
going to roll into town
and clean up our mess
for us?
Yes, I do.
Ha, ha, ha!
Well, you're just great.
Maybe someone should
introduce you to a real
supervillain, Tick,
and stop all this
fooling around.
Well, yes, that sounds right.
Lay it on me.
I did not hate you.
I just
Well, this
is embarrassing.
Please.
We're all friends.
Well, now.
I didn't know you,
and I was
a little jealous,
and, frankly, I was just
trying to kill you.
Let me see.
Ha, ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha!
King Hurl.
No, wait. He's in prison
in Mexico City.
Rats.
Oh, well, here we go.
Here we go.
Ha, ha, ha!
Ho, ho, ho!
Electronimo.
Ooh! Electronimo!
Damn it. He opened
a casino with his wife.
Eh, they're
all lightweights, anyway.
Now, Tick, I think
someone of your caliber
should go
straight to the top.
You just point the way,
little lady.
Ha! The Terror!
No, no, Janet,
don't even joke
about a thing like that.
What? I'm not joking.
You're not joking,
are you, Tick?
No, ma'am.
No, no. The Terror's
not a good choice, Tick.
Sure he is.
He's the biggest supervillain
of the 20th century.
That is what you want,
isn't it?
Abso-doodle.
Janet, no.
Don't "Janet" me.
Here. It's the number
to The Terror's
private phone line.
You should give him
a call.
Sounds perfect.
No. No!
Gimme that!
Hey, whoa, there,
grabby!
Tick, we are not
calling The Terror.
He's the worst
arch-criminal in history.
He's been obliterating
superheroes for decades,
superheroes who knew
what they were doing.
That's my napkin.
Order!
Tick!
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, here you go.
Tick, let's go.
Yes, let's go,
indeed.
I-I just can't do it!
The tiny bubbles
Tiny bubbles
In the waves
Makes me feel happy
Makes me feel
Ahem. Heterosexual.
I can't believe you
actually called The Terror.
I can't believe
I haven't been reimbursed
for the purchase
of this cake.
Oh.
You know, Batmanuel's
hard-earned savings
don't grow on trees.
Here. Happy?
Happy that I must
humiliate myself
to be reimbursed
for the purchase of a cake?
That was a 10.
Uh
Just keep the change.
Huh?
Are you my wife?
No.
What year is it?
2001?
That's a lot.
Huh?
Hello?
A-ha! There you are,
hiding deep underground,
plucking the strings
of your dark web of fear
like a spidery harpo.
Hello?
Terror, you now
face the Tick
and his fearless
sidekick Arthur.
We'll put an end
to your reign of terr
Your reign of you!
I just took
my drowsy pills.
Ha! Evil never sleeps,
mister.
Oh, leave me alone.
I'm 112 years old.
I'm done.
Don't be
an Adolf Quit-ler.
You can't talk
to me like that!
Yes I can, Quit-ler.
I'm The Terror!
Blah, blah, blah.
The world gasps
at the mention of my name!
Big deal.
You think you can
take me on, do you?
You got that right,
you big weenie!
Bah! I'll fold you
into my wallet
and spend you
on a whore!
I say "ha" again.
A hollow threat.
I am the swift arm
of justice,
and she's got a bee
in her bonnet, buddy.
That tears it!
I'm going to tuck you in
for a dirt nap, you betty!
You don't scare us,
Terror.
We've got right
on our side.
Whoop. Gotta go.
Huh? Huh?
Was that The Terror?
Yes, but
Ohh, The Terror!
We've got him
on the ropes, chum.
You called him
on my phone?
Well, isn't that
what it's for?
Tick, it's my phone
caller I.D.!
Now he can find out
exactly where I live.
He can do that?
Yes, of course
he can.
The magnificent beast
What other strange powers
must he possess?
No, no, no!
Give me that! Hello?
You're going to have
a bootprint for a face,
do you hear me,
princess?
I'm coming to get you
and your pansy sidekick
Arthur, too.
Ha, ha, ha!
Giving the Tick
The Terror's phone number
was like giving a child
a loaded gun, pointing at me.
I'm sorry!
I was just a little
Hormonal.
Rally, Arthur, rally.
I should
brush my teeth.
I'd like to die
with clean teeth.
That is no way to talk.
Well, hygiene is
very important to me.
No one ever said the job
was going to be easy,
Arthur.
We'll be facing
every conceivable sort
of adversity,
but inside
that wretched nut of doom
lies the life,
the very life
that you've always wanted.
Come on, chum!
Don't be a crybaby,
be a try-baby.
And that's when
I convinced you to form
an inseparable bond
of anti-villainy.
I had an Auntie Villainy.
She lived in Queens.
She liked cake.
Actually, I still
had not decided.
Oh, don't be modest,
chum.
Your mind may not
have been made up,
but your heart was.
I could tell
by the way you unleashed.
That glorious
high-pitched battle cry.
Oh, the gnashing
of his knifey teeth,
the flames shooting
from his nostrils
He was 10 feet tall
if he was an inch.
He wasn't 10 feet tall!
He was seven feet tall
if he was the day.
He was a head
shorter than me.
You're making this up.
No, I'm not.
I'm making it good.
Ha, ha, ha!
You've been paralyzed
by my terror gas.
Now you're
at my mercy.
Ha, ha, ha!
No, we're not.
Huh? Huh?
Wrong skull.
You can't win, Terror,
because we
are not afraid.
Wow. You got old.
Huh?
I mean, I know you've
been around for a while,
but, wow!
You're extra old.
Aah! Aah!
You know, maybe we should
wait until you feel better.
I'll drop you
like a bad habit!
Really, is there anyone
you want us to call?
Bite me. Aah!
Well, that's
a little disappointing.
He stands triumphant,
yet another fallen fiend
behind him.
You can tell
just by looking at him
that he's got some pretty
heavy things on his mind.
What are you
talking about,
and who are you
saying it to?
Was I talking?
We are not triumphant.
All we did
was crank call an old man
and give him
a heart attack!
Well, it wasn't plan A,
but it did the trick.
The Terror
is almost dead
Deserves
to be dead
But instead
of relishing your victory,
you whisked him
off to the hospital.
Hindsight is 20/20.
Hindsight?
You mean sight
that comes out of your
You're crazy.
Hey, don't knock crazy,
Arthur,
and don't you think
that wrinkled party in there
is down for the count.
When you get in bed
with evil incarnate,
it always
takes the covers.
Wow.
He is old.
Arthur.
Arthur, wait.
Flatline.
Come on,
you little red bastard.
Give me a pulse.
Ooh! That's pretty good.
Ha, ha, ha!
If you'd told me
in the first place
that you
couldn't drive me,
I would have taken a cab,
okay, or a taxi.
I'm sorry. I didn't realize
how late it was.
I'll take you tomorrow.
Tomorrow is not tonight, okay?
And how am I supposed
to get home from here?
I will drop you off, okay?
Give me five minutes.
I just found out that
the Tick and The Terror
both wound up in the hospital.
What? I've got to check it out.
Batmanuel had
to take the subway
three times that night.
Oh, please.
A superhero on the subway
is very embarrassing.
I almost
got mugged, you know.
Almost? Someone
hit you over the head
and took your wallet.
I will not debate semantics
with you, kewpie doll,
especially since
it was I
who first went
eyeball-to-eyeball
with The Terror
that night in the hospital.
Vending machine coffee.
It's come to this.
Got one!
Now, somebody give me
a rib-spreader
and a bottle
of hydrochloric acid!
Ha, ha, ha!
Put me out
of my misery, chum.
When did you realize
about us?
I'll tell you.
I needed some time
to sort out my thoughts.
Everything was
happening so fast.
I wandered into the superhero
recovery ward,
and there I saw
my friend Metcalfe
Remember, the guy who
needed a machine to poop?
I'm going to need a machine
to poop that friggin' cake!
That cake is made
from the finest flour.
Do not denigrate
that cake.
Anyway, I realized
what had been stopping me
all this time
from committing
to being a superhero.
You were right, Tick.
Deep down,
I was still scared.
I almost get killed
a lot.
You get used to it.
Life is a quantity
versus quality issue.
Arthur, were you happy
when you were normal?
No.
Do you
want to help people?
Yes.
I don't see
how you have a choice.
You've been called,
Arthur,
No matter
what the price,
No matter
what the cost.
Look at me.
I need a machine to poop,
but that's not
going to stop me.
I'm going to get
right back out there.
Granted, this machine
will be a bit of a burden,
but you can't let fear's
bad apple
spoil the
Aah!
Ahh. Good save.
And that's
when I did it.
That's when,
for the first time,
All by myself,
I stood up to evil.
Hey, stop it!
Mind your beeswax,
pudgy!
Ohh!
Hey, you don't do that!
You don't throw blood
at a person!
Yes, I do.
I'm The Terror!
I'm famous.
Ohh. No!
Aah!
Oh, that
sounds promising.
Hands off my sidekick,
spotty devil!
Aah!
Well done, Arthur.
Well done.
You fought The Terror
both externally
and internally.
I did. You're right.
Of course.
You heard the call,
and you answered it.
Feels pretty good,
doesn't it?
Yeah.
I guess it does.
Hello?
I got
the poison lobster.
Oh, well,
this won't do at all.
Hey. You're
You're a nice guy.
To Tick.
I think you avoided
the big question, Arthur.
You know,
they're right, chum.
You can toast me
till I'm burnt and crummy,
but, please,
on this first anniversary
of our duodom,
answer the query.
When exactly
did you decide
to make
the leap of faith?
Okay, okay.
It was when I realized,
Tick,
that even though
you were dangerous,
homeless,
and potentially insane,
you were also right.
We beat
the worst supervillain
in human history,
admittedly, somewhat
after his prime
Okay, way, way
past his prime
But, still,
we emerged triumphant.
It was then
that I realized
we were destined
to be a duo.
Could you run that
by me again?
I am sorry,
but I wasn't listening.