The Upshaws (2021) s01e09 Episode Script

1
Bennie, Bennie, Bennie.
This girl just brought in her car,
check out her headlights.
Man, I'm busy. Let Duck handle it.
I was trying to be classy, man.
She got big titties!
Don't you got a woman at home?
Yeah, at home. Come look!
Man, I'm trying to get
my wife back, man.
Damn! We sure that's one woman?
Look like somebody bumped
her and set off her airbags.
Oh, man. She's blessed twice.
Poor thing ain't seen
her feet since preschool.
Tony, what's wrong with you?
Good morning, Regina.
[HESITATING] Morning.
That's somebody's daughter.
What are you doing here?
Watching you be you.
[BENNIE] Don't be jealous.
You know can't nobody come
close to the Pointer Sisters.
Could you just point your ass to a pen?
I need you to sign these
life insurance forms.
Okay, wait a minute
Why are you telling me here?
You miss me.
[SIGHS]
Yeah, you wanna see me
in my uniform, don't you?
Ain't nobody turned on by a
grown-ass man in a onesie.
Oh, you still all mad.
I thought we had a good
time at Maya's recital.
[SCOFFS] One good night
does not erase a lifetime of stupid.
Now, in order to keep our current rate,
we have to have another physical.
Oh, we can do that physical right now.
What you want me to do,
turn my head and cough?
Mmm. It's the romance I miss most.
Oh, come on.
The insurance company is sending
a physician to the house
tonight at 6:00, so be there on time
with nothing but salad on your breath.
Salad?
Do Funyuns count?
[VOCALIZING]
Solid as a rock ♪
[VOCALIZING]
Solid ♪
And, Miss Upshaw,
your job still requires
you to sit most hours?
Yes, but I hate my new boss,
and anger burns calories.
And, Mr. Upshaw, your alcohol
consumption is still one beer a week?
If that, even. Ain't that right, babe?
Yeah. I do a biblical drink
every now and then.
Mmm-hmm.
And smoking?
Cigarettes or weed?
- I do a little puff here on
- Neither.
Neither.
Write down "neither."
[BENNIE HESITATES]
Weed is cool.
I mean, look, they barely even
lock us up for it anymore.
[SCOFFS] Tell that to my cousin Richie.
Uh
Okay, almost done. I just need
Mr. Upshaw's blood pressure.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Kroger's was having a sale,
so I picked you up a couple
more jugs of vodka.
I make my own hand sanitizer.
You're fine. We factor in the lies.
We're having our life insurance
exam, so now's not a good time.
You heard her. Go home, you used Q-tip.
Can you even get coverage if you
ain't worth shit to begin with?
Hmm. It's a little high.
Let me try again.
I want a tattoo.
The hell?
Whoa.
Nope.
Nothing too tacky, just my lower back.
I still wanna be able to get a job.
Girl, you are 13.
Oh. And I've been thinking
about birth control.
What? Say what now?
Wow. I didn't even have to
pump the cuff that time.
This is what you get when there's
no male role model in the house.
[SCOFFS] You? Role model?
You can't be the only man
in their lives, Lucretia.
Why you need birth control?
You better not be doin' nothin'.
Ew. I'm not. I just want one of
those little cases to show off.
Everybody at school thinks I'm a baby.
Well, thank God.
You just forget them fast-behind
girls at your school.
Well, I'm sick of it.
And since I didn't inherit
the big-boob gene
Get her out of here, Lucretia.
[IMPERCEPTIBLE]
Aunt Lucretia, when did you get boobs?
Shut up, Bennie.
Well, I have all I need.
And a touch extra.
Even accounting for interruptions,
your blood pressure is out of range.
Is there an underlying condition
I should know about?
Yeah. George Floyd.
My pressure's still high
from Emmett Till, brother.
Say that.
So, will our rates go up?
'Cause we really can't
afford that right now.
With his numbers, we can't even
afford to cover him right now.
Come on, man. Help a brother out, man.
Where your cousin at? Let me
put some money on his books.
Look
the best I can do is
call this an anomaly
and retest you in two weeks.
Oh. Thank you. We'll
take that, thank you.
[SIGHS] All right.
You heard him. The diet
starts today, Bennie.
Exercise and clean living.
Well, is you gonna take me back?
What does that have to do with this?
If we're not gonna be together,
why should I bust my ass
to get you your money?
All right?
Now, and if I die, how much
y'all gonna get anyway?
Four-hundred thousand.
Damn! Rustle some papers
before you answer it.
I don't care if it's ten cents
or a million billion dollars.
Life insurance, it ain't for
us, fool, it's for the kids.
And after all the shit you
put this family through,
some kale and a damn push-up
ain't too much to ask.
Fine.
Four-hundred thousand, huh?
We are not faking your death.
Maya, put your shoes on. Your
aunt's taking you to school today.
No.
No? You're not the sassy kid.
Maya, I don't know who you
think you talkin' to, but, uh
I don't have time for this. Shoes.
I said no!
And I said put your shoes on
before me and you have a real problem.
Okay, calm down. Calm down.
It's too early in the morning
for Forest Whitaker eye.
I just cannot with this little girl.
Everything is a frickin' fight.
She is turning into such a little
Uh. Come on. Momma never called us that.
Well, not to our face.
That's 'cause we never tried it.
And Momma had a mean left.
She has been acting out ever
since I threw Bennie's ass out.
Well, you wanted him gone.
And I support that.
Okay, ready for school.
Oh, hell no.
Back it up, back it all the way up.
It's just a smoky eye.
God.
Okay, you go scrape
the paint off the Joker,
I'll handle baby girl.
We we have a special relationship.
I should've punished Bennie by
throwin' my ass out the house.
Sweetheart, will you
put these on for me?
No.
But I'm Auntie Cretia.
So?
So you know I don't play.
Shoes.
Make me.
With pleasure.
- I hate these shoes!
- I don't care.
Leave me alone!
Did you just kick me?
I don't have to listen to you.
You're not my mom.
You're no one's mom.
Oh, oh. So that's how we playin' it?
Santa Claus is not real.
What?
And your momma is the tooth fairy.
Lucretia!
You better work on your left.
Man.
I don't know how Regina think
I'm gonna lose this weight so fast.
Yeah, that's a tough break.
Hey, you can start by switching
to non-alcoholic beer.
No, that stuff is all chemicals. Huh!
That's why I care about
what goes in my body.
Don't nobody want no
nasty-ass O'Doul's, Duck.
Regina likes it.
Why don't you let me train you?
Getting healthy ain't hard.
All you gotta do is eat
less and move more.
That's how I stay fit.
You mean fit into the building?
[LAUGHING]
Davis, you look like a big Black Buddha.
And, Tony, you look like a
black belt with arms and legs.
Look, it ain't my fault
we have good metabolism.
The men in my family can eat
whatever they want until they're 60.
And then they balloon up?
Nah, we just die.
[LAUGHS]
See? That's a sad reality for
a lot of Black men in America.
That's why I'm trying to eat right.
No mayo.
Hey, Duck, you really think
you can get my numbers down?
Oh, easy. Remember me before prison?
I was Tony in the front,
Davis in the back.
Built like a Big Wheel.
We'll get started tomorrow then.
We gonna get started today.
So, who are you seeing now?
I'm seeing a couple of guys.
Nothing serious.
I mean, there is this one
guy I'm kind of vibing with.
Vibing? Who you vibing with?
Nobody.
Well, I know now.
Come on.
Sip some tea with your momma.
It's spill the tea.
And there's nothing to spill.
I'm just dating a little.
Okay, well, I might know somebody.
What kind of gay are you?
- Ma.
- Oh, Regina.
I am cool, all right?
I've been tightening up my gay game.
What's your flavor?
See, the gays are very nuanced.
Unlike your approach.
You gonna make the boy
go back in the closet.
Hey!
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
What do you want?
You know my name's still
on the mortgage, right?
Whose isn't?
No, I came to get my exercise stuff.
What, your unicycle
and your big red nose?
Well, I admit it is nice to see you
doing what you said you would do.
It happened.
He finally ran out of bullshit.
[LAUGHING]
Boy, it's Friday night.
Shouldn't you be out
hangin' with the fellas?
Instead, you here hangin' with
America's Next Top Beagle.
Quick poll.
Anyone who can sleep here
tonight, raise your hand.
This the only finger that's dry.
All right, all right, your weights
are up in the bedroom.
Hey, um
Wanna talk to your dad while he's here?
What about that moment made you
think I wanna come out to him?
Because he's your father,
and you can't fully live
your truth until he knows.
I gay-googled that.
Ma, come on.
This man has the emotional
intelligence of a puppy.
Can you imagine the shit
I would get if he knew?
I can hear him now when
I drop off a package.
"Here comes Gay-PS!"
No, you're father's not that clever.
He would just call you
RuPaul and keep it moving.
He's a very simple man.
Listen, he loves you, all right?
Come on, the man spent
thousands of dollars in packages
just to see you.
I would give him a chance.
Your mom's right. You should tell him.
- Seriously?
- His blood pressure's high.
This might finally finish him off.
That's not funny, Lucretia.
I wasn't making a joke, Regina.
Well, girls, how did we like
Mommy's new meat loaf recipe?
That was meat?
It was meat enough.
Just clear the table. Maya, homework.
Homework is stupid.
[SCOFFS]
Maya, what you gonna
do tomorrow, huh, baby?
You just gonna show up and fail?
It's first grade. I'll bounce back.
Come here. What is going on with you?
- Nothing.
- Uh-uh. No, okay?
I know that you're upset
about me and your dad.
No.
Then why are you acting out?
Giving me all kind of attitude
and not wanting to go to school?
I don't want to go to school
'cause I'm being bullied.
For real? Oh, thank God.
I mean, no, no, no.
I mean, oh, no!
Who is bullying my baby?
Wynter Owens.
She makes fun of my clothes,
copies my homework,
makes fun of my name
She calls my May-ugh.
[EXCLAIMS] I'm stealing that.
How long has this been going on?
A couple weeks.
A couple of week
Well, thanks for the
heads-up, public school.
Hold up, does Wynter have
a sister named Summer?
I think so.
Dude, that family is messed up.
I heard that the mom does drugs
and that the dad lost
his job at the Safeway.
Where did you hear that?
Savannah. She's tapped in.
Okay. All right.
Now, Maya, baby, I am very sorry
that you are dealing with that.
But acting out at home
is not the answer.
The answer is you have to have empathy.
Empathy.
That something I can hit her with?
No, empathy is understanding that
Wynter only bullies you
because of her own pain.
Then why can't she knock
her own juice on the floor?
I know, I know.
I'll call your teacher tomorrow, okay?
But you, you just ignore her, okay?
And she will realize that bullying you
is not gonna help how she's feeling.
Kumbaya, my Lord ♪
Kumbay ♪
My bad.
I like to sing when I do the dishes.
[GROANS]
Damn, Duck, shouldn't we
be working out in a gym?
You think I had a big, fancy
gym when I was on the inside?
You got everything that you
need to exercise right here.
Look, we can do pull-ups on the lift.
- Yeah.
- All right?
We got weights right here.
- Look at that.
- Oh, yeah.
This whole place is a obstacle course.
- Let's get it!
- [GRUNTS]
[ROARS]
Aw, come on, Duck! What the hell?
Duck, them little-ass shorts.
What is this?
Sweatin' With Inmate 13225?
Come on, man. These
are my workout shorts.
- Aw, man.
- All right, man, I hope you stretched.
Why do you have a shank?
Laps.
- Hey, don't start
- Come here!
You better get your naked
bald-headed ass away from me!
I'm telling you, get back!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
Here. Sign.
I can't lift my arm. You do it.
What's with you?
Oh, Duck had me in there doing
some prison-punk workout.
Why you gotta say shit like that?
Like what?
Nothing.
Hey. Why don't you train with me?
Think you can handle boxing?
[SCOFFS]
Any fool can throw some shit
in a box and tape it up,
that ain't a workout.
A boxing gym.
Oh, sure. Okay, you wanna
box with your old man?
You kidding? I'd love
a chance to hit you.
Well, come on then.
Hey, May-ugh.
Nice shirt. Ponies are for babies.
My mommy said you're just being
mean because your mommy likes drugs.
What?
Maybe your parents wouldn't
fight if your daddy had a job.
[MOUTHING] Damn!
[MAYA] It's okay.
You'll see that bullying me won't
get your brother out of jail.
Why can't people exercise
with their clothes on?
Why are you wearing a helmet?
You already dead between the ears.
Nice, father and son.
Hey, man, why you love-tappin' me?
Just keep your chin down.
Hey, I been boxing before you was born.
Oh, before I was born?
So, like, ninth grade, then?
[GRUNTS]
Keep your chin down.
Okay.
Lucky shot.
No, ain't no lucky shot.
You just throwin' them
sissy-ass punches.
Why you gotta be such a asshole?
Man, I'm just clownin'.
It ain't my problem
'cause you all sensitive.
When is something ever
gonna be your problem?
Hey, we fightin' or chattin'?
Send your friend to jail, his problem.
Steal Mom's money, her problem.
Even how you'll react, my problem.
React to what?
[GROANS]
You got a gay son.
Kelvin?
Me.
I'm gay.
Okay.
You.
So, that's why your
uniform's always tight.
Great.
Here comes the typical Black
man homophobic bullshit.
Hey, man. I'm just clownin', all right?
That's how I deal with things.
Just give me a minute to
process it.
How long?
Kinda always.
I didn't put words to it until college.
When you gonna tell your momma?
She already knows.
Man, I wish you hadn't a told me.
Oh, okay.
I see how it is.
I should've stomped you after
the cheap punch you threw.
But I can't hit you now,
'cause it's a hate crime.
Damn, dude. Laugh.
I'm funny.
[CHUCKLES] That was
supposed to be funny.
Wait, so, you cool?
Yeah, I'm cool.
What kinda father you think I am?
No, I mean for real, man.
I don't care who you with.
I still love you, son.
Yeah. I can tell.
I know damn well you can.
And ain't nothing changed, all right?
It ain't what I had planned
but it's cool.
Now that you gonna be
in the parades and
part of all the rainbows
and wearing them shoes with the
wheels on the bottom of 'em
are you gonna be nicer to me?
You still gonna be you?
Are we sure about this?
You wanna be a baby forever?
[COUGHS]
O'Doul's?
Oh, snap, that's Irish. They don't play.
I'm a little drunk just from the fumes.
[EXHALES]
That's that good burn.
Ugh. This smells like my uncle.
[COUGHS]
Oh, yeah. It's hittin' me.
Me, too.
You know, I think I got the munchies.
If I get sick, will you hold my hair?
Uh-uh. Don't be a sloppy bish.
Hey, Aaliyah, so I need for you to
Is that a beer?
Savannah made me do it.
Oh! So now you a lyin' bish, too?
Give me that. Y'all
have lost your minds.
And where did you even
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
- Mommy!
- Not now, baby.
But I did empathy like you said,
and they haven't found Wynter.
What do you mean, "found" her?
["AMAZING GRACE" PLAYING SOFTLY]
[SOBBING] Wynter,
we know you're out there.
Mommy loves you.
Hey, I love her, too.
Really? Now?
Mommy, shouldn't we
tell them what happened?
Uh, yeah, we will, baby.
Just as soon as Mommy figures out how.
Just sway and sing, baby.
Hey. I did some recon.
Nobody knows Maya ran her off.
We're supposed to be
keeping a low profile.
And where did you get that shirt?
I donated 50 bucks to
the flashlight fund.
It's called hiding in plain sight.
Why do they have to
play the music so loud?
What's up with her?
She drank an O'Doul's
and now she's hungover.
- O'Doul's doesn't have
- [EXCLAIMS]
Just let her feel the pain.
Hey.
You ever gonna drink again?
No, Mommy.
Damn right.
One day someone's gonna
sell you some oregano.
Regina. There you are.
What the hell happened to your eye?
Bernard told me he was gay.
And you said some ignorant
shit, and he hit you?
No, he did that first.
No, he and I are cool.
Really?
I got the whirlies.
Can I go sit out in the car?
We are attending this vigil as a family.
But why do I have to suffer
just because Maya made Wynter disappear?
You know what happened to Wynter?
This girl knows what happened to Wynter.
No. No, she doesn't.
She doesn't know anything.
She just said that your
girl's the reason Wynter left.
Hey, man, my daughter didn't do shit.
Yes, I did, Daddy.
Mommy helped me.
Hey. No, look, hey.
Real talk, where is this
kid? 'Cause I'll back you.
No, Wynter was bullying Maya,
and apparently my advice was confusing.
Okay, what did you tell her?
To have empathy.
Empathy? Shit.
I'd have told Maya to knock
that little girl's ass down.
Hey, this little girl punched Wynter.
- I'm sorry, what?
- What's wrong with you?
[CLAMORING]
[BENNIE] All right, hey, hey, hey!
Everybody back up!
Luckily, I got a full clip, all right?
I'll shut all this shit down.
You brought a gun to
a candlelight vigil?
I'm not walking into a
public school unarmed.
Is that how you got that black eye?
Poor little Wynter fighting you off?
No, my son hit me because he
thought I hated gay people.
Can we please stop yelling?
Some of us are hungover here.
Hungover? I can't leave
the house for nothin'.
I will fill you in later.
I know you will.
And I hope she ain't
been in my good whiskey.
Everyone, good news. They found her.
They found Wynter. She's fine.
[SIGHS]
Oh, so you just gonna flick
off your little light?
Without so much as a "my bad"?
It's just loud and wrong.
Loud and wrong.
Come on, y'all.
[EXHALES]
[EXCLAIMS] That almost got ugly.
Well
Maybe having Maya handle Wynter
wouldn't have been such bad advice.
I mean, she'd have been suspended,
but at least we wouldn't have been here.
- Yeah.
- Man, this parenting shit? [EXCLAIMS]
It was a lot easier when
we could each take a kid.
I'm telling you. [CHUCKLES]
You know, uh
a little heads-up about
Bernard would've been nice.
It wasn't my secret to tell.
Yeah.
I'm proud of you, though.
Being okay with it.
Nah, but I'm not okay with it.
You said you were cool.
I told him I was fine, and, um
I wanna be fine,
but is he gonna have boyfriends?
And be kissin' guys in front of me?
I don't know if I'm
ready for all of that.
Hey.
He doesn't need that from you.
I mean [SCOFFS]
His life is gonna be hard, even now.
I know that. And that's why
I said that I was cool with it.
But I don't know.
[HESITATES] That's a lot.
It's a lot for me, too.
Shit. [HESITATING]
Can we help you?
Oh, we need the car keys.
[REGINA SIGHS]
Look, I need back at the house.
Uh, Bennie.
This whole Bernard thing
just got me rattled.
Man [SIGHS]
I know that I missed a
big part of my son's life.
[SCOFFS] That ain't 'cause of us.
But the shit that I'll miss
for Aaliyah and Maya will be.
Look, I'm not asking you to
forgive me for what I did.
I'm not even asking to
get back in the bedroom.
But I need to be back in the house.
That's the first time that
you've asked to come back
for something other than you.
I just wanna be more than
life insurance money.
Well, I can smell the weed
and the liquor on you,
so we ain't even gonna get that.
I just found out my son was
gay, okay? Give me a minute.
Hey, I got the skinny.
Wynter's grandma kidnapped her
to get her away from the parents.
Congratulations,
y'all aren't the most messed-up
people in the school.
There's the flashlight lady,
I'm gonna get my money back.
So can I come back home?
What you mean, it's for the next vigil?
What, y'all snatching
kids on a schedule?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]