Thirtysomething (1987) s01e09 Episode Script

1 We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year Then he smiled at me Pa rum pum pum pum Me and my drum Good tidings we bring to you and your kin Good tidings for Christmas And a Happy New Year Pa rum pum pum pum Comfort and joy, comfort and joy Oh tidings of comfort and joy Okay, one week.
We understand.
Yeah, no problem.
Happy Holidays, Mr.
Gold.
- Merry Christmas.
- Happy Hanukah.
Why did we say yes? Because we're can-do guys.
And because it's Christmas.
And because if we don't take this stupid pregnant aerobics campaign, then Nancy's gonna have to sell her beautiful blonde hair, and I'm gonna have to sell my watch.
Mike, I don't wanna sell my watch.
A week? This always happens.
It's impossible.
I got it.
Okay, look, you see big, big lights, right? Pregnant aerobics, right? And there's about 100 women and they're all like It's like a chorus line, right? And they're sitting there and it's, like And you hear that song I get no kick from champagne Whatever that thing is, you know.
Da da da da, you know, alcohol And you land on this one woman and she goes But I get a kick out of you - Is that good? - You know what this means? This means the whole office is gonna have to work during the holidays.
So we'll bribe them.
We'll give them bonuses like little chocolate Santas and stuff.
And a photographer? Where are we gonna find a photographer during the holidays? Hmm.
Who you gonna call? Come on.
If we don't finish those pictures of Michael, Hope won't have a present.
Wait, I'm almost done.
And the crowning touch.
A Barbie doll? Wait, isn't Barbie a WASP? Yeah, it's nondenominational.
Meet Lauren, Barbie's Jewish princess friend.
Help me out here, Gare.
She comes with her own dream house.
No kitchen.
No bedroom.
Yo! The door was open.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
So where's the fire? - Usual place.
- Under our butts.
You mean the pregnant aerobics thing? Yeah, we're doing the shoot 4:00 Wednesday.
Pregnant aerobics, isn't that dangerous? Only when they wrestle.
So you'll be there, right? Is that why you're here? Hey, babe, I'm always working for you.
4:00 Wednesday.
Elliot, let's go.
Michael, what if I'm busy? - Are you? - Yeah.
Queen Elizabeth is on her way over.
She needs some new headshots.
- That's not the point.
- The point is it's a job.
It's money, okay? Yeah, and you assume I'm doing nothing, so you don't give me any notice.
From now on, I won't.
I swear.
Yeah, right.
Just get us through this one, okay? Please? Okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Great.
Just close your eyes.
It'll be over before you know it.
That's what I tell Nancy.
- It's cold in here.
- The skylight's broken.
Oh.
Thanks, Liz.
- See you.
- See you later.
See you later.
Thanks! Good for you.
Oh, yeah, I sure showed him, huh? Him and his stupid suspenders? I was great.
I was really strong.
Why is it always like this? It's always, "Hey, Elliot, here's a really crappy job.
"Who's cheap? Who will do what we say? "Who's always available? "Dick Avedon.
Nah, nah.
Somebody more local.
"What about What about Melissa?" I'll be in the darkroom.
Michael, I'm not dancing with Stewart Pilser.
Period.
Hey, Pilser, give me back the three bucks.
Pray, what am I? Three bucks for a hora? Five for a slow dance? Six.
No, just kidding.
Seven.
No, just You know what? I think I want to dance.
- You do? - Yeah.
With Lori Pearlman.
Five golden wedding rings Four calling birds, three French Can I ask you a question here? - Is there more eggnog? - Yeah, in the fridge.
Why is it that female bonding always includes vanilla extract? - Anybody want more? - Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
- What exactly are they doing? - Playing Platoon.
Elliot let them watch it with him.
Excuse me.
Ethan! Okay.
Here's the dough.
Here's the dough.
And I need cookie cutters.
Cookie cutters.
They're here.
Okay, let's see.
Candy canes.
Christmas trees.
You know what they should have? They should have cookies shaped like batteries.
Christmas with kids is only batteries.
This one makes little sales slips.
Depression.
Michael Did I hear Man, I gotta get going.
- Sorry.
See you later.
- Bye.
Come on, you guys.
Get your coats on.
And a partridge in a pear tree She didn't make one cookie.
Who does she emulate? - Hi.
- Hi.
Bye.
We're out of here.
Merry Never mind.
- Bye, Hope.
- Bye.
Deck the halls with Michael Steadman Fa la la la la, la la la la I can't think what rhymes with Steadman Fa la la la la, la la la la You're cheery.
Something wrong? No.
It's that time of year.
It's just a reflex.
Oh, yeah? Where's Janey? Sleeping.
- Place looks great.
- Thanks.
My mom sent these ornaments and presents.
Yeah? "Hope, Darling, Daddy and I just wanted to make sure.
Janey had a real Christmas.
" Mother meant well.
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
I think there's something in here for me.
Oh, this is great.
This is the reversible yarmulke I wanted so badly.
- Honey, did you tell them? - Michael! Some people And I'll admit, very deeply troubled people But some people actually really like Christmas.
Like me.
You know what? I can teach you how to like it.
We could hang tinsel on our naked bodies.
Um Oh, intimacy.
Sorry.
Michael? Michael? Michael, look at me.
You have it.
What? The face.
What face? The holiday face.
It's like this.
- That's my face? - Now, Michael Christmas is supposed to be a happy time.
It'll just be us.
It'll be our first Christmas with Janey.
It's supposed to be a good time.
A Christmas Carol wasn't written by Kafka.
So please, can we forget the face? Please? Huh? Please? I'll try.
You do the cookies.
I'll get Janey out of the manger.
Okay.
She's gonna be the angel.
Of course she is.
On top of our tree? Tree? I thought we worked that out.
Michael, you can't hang candy canes on a ficus.
You don't think that'd be pretty? - Hope! - Coming.
- Honey.
- I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be I'm trying, Hope.
It's just Just what? You haven't set foot in a church since I've known you.
You haven't set foot in a temple.
No.
So what's it matter? It's important to me.
Hope? Can we talk about it later? I gotta go bake cookies.
Honey, this is Melissa.
She's going to take your picture.
Oh, Sarah, he's beautiful.
9 1/2 pounds.
30 hours of labor.
Michael Adam Sax.
You like the name? I like the name.
Mom, Melissa and I went to camp together.
Everyone just ignore me.
I'll try to get a few shots.
Mom, give Nana the baby.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is that your first great-grandchild? Michael.
Yes.
All you've got is your family.
What you have are the people you love.
Take Nana's picture.
Later.
Hey, I thought I had this job.
Melissa, this is my cousin Andy.
- Hi, Andy Aronson.
- Melissa Steadman.
Hi.
Are you the Sarah.
You can't be.
I mean, the Andy Aronson? I I have been so inspired by you.
I mean, by your work.
Oh, you've ripped me off? Should I buy lunch? Well, I've ripped Hockney off, and I don't buy him lunch.
Anyway, we're talking about you.
- Me.
- Yeah.
Oh, I'm just "Have Nikon, will laminate.
" So thanks.
- For what? - For talking to me.
Why are you thanking me for talking to you? Well, because you're you, and I'm just A photographer just like me.
How can you tell that? Because I saw your work up there.
I saw how you listen.
A good ear is just as important as a good eye he said pompously.
Oh, God, I'm late.
I'm doing a shoot for my cousin, and I've eaten all your potato chips.
Yeah, I noticed.
Say, listen.
If you're not doing anything later, why don't you come by the Hill Gallery? I'm having a show.
Do you know it? Yeah, I know it.
Well then, come by, and bring your stuff, and I'll look at it, and you can meet Sheldon Hill.
I'll try.
Great.
Between 6 and 8.
- 6 and 8.
- Right.
- Okay.
- Great.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Forward and back, and forward Okay, mommas, let's drift and float, and drift and float.
Keep that circle in, out, and up.
Step side and front, step back.
Hi, Michael.
- Front, side, back.
- You're late.
What is this? This is great.
- Melissa - Michael, I think I'm in labor.
Melissa, let's find out what they want.
Michael, you have to just let this happen.
Melissa, they want brochure shots, okay? We want a campaign.
Michael, you can't pose something like this.
You can't.
It's too good.
It's bold.
- Trust me.
- Okay, mamas, let's drift.
You're going to love it.
Whoo! - It's here.
I know it's here.
- It's here.
It's here.
We've been here for 15 minutes, Elliot, there are 9 trees.
Every year, this is where I get my tree every year.
Mike, Mike, look at this.
You love this tree? - I love this tree.
- Elliot, measure the tree.
Your ceilings are only 8 feet high.
No, this is 8 feet.
I need this tree.
- This is it.
- You want that tree, you got that tree.
- Great.
- You want smaller? I got smaller.
- No, thanks.
- I'll make you a deal on two.
It's okay.
Here.
We'll just take this tree right here.
Merry Christmas, 60 bucks.
Okay, great.
You lend me? - Bless you, my son.
- Yeah.
You guys don't get trees, huh? We gotta talk about it, me and Hope.
Ugh.
This is so weird.
I love Christmas.
I do.
I used to.
I used to love it with Hope.
- But now - A tree's not just a tree? Right.
You know, I see this tree, I see it in my living room, I see my grandfather rising up from the grave and having another heart attack.
- Now there's Janey.
- Yeah.
What do I want to tell her about who I am? You know? What if she totally loves this? I don't know where that leaves me.
God rest ye merry gentlemen Let nothing you dismay - Michael, listen.
- I'm listening.
Isn't it beautiful? Very nice, yeah.
You don't even hear them.
Of course I do.
Honey, what are you doing? Cleaning up.
I was wrong, Michael.
I shouldn't have put this stuff out.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let's talk about this, okay? We can talk about this.
Honey, you're tired, you've been working too hard, it's okay.
Just tell me.
I just want Janey to have what I had.
Lights and reindeer and a window to watch for Santa.
I mean, for all I care, Santa can be a nice Jewish boy.
I just don't want us to be scared of giving her all that because we don't know what we want.
You know what I mean? I'm home.
Hope you're printing the Michael pictures, because if you're not, Hope's not getting a Christmas present.
You are, aren't you? - Yeah.
- Can I come in? Sure.
- Hi.
- Hey.
How am I doing? - Great.
- Yeah.
Getting pretty good at this, huh? Oh, you're brilliant.
So, tell me, tell me, come on.
Tell you what? Did you talk to him? That guy at the gallery? Oh, I didn't get a chance.
There were a lot of people there.
Look, I promised Michael and Elliot I'd get these proof sheets by tomorrow, so let's get started, okay? - Okay? - Yeah.
Okay.
I love this.
I love this.
I love this right here.
- Oh, that's my favorite one.
- How did you get that? I don't know, I just saw it.
Mike, take a look at this.
Nice.
Well, you know, they may be a little I don't know, they could be just a little - Beautiful.
- Absolutely.
- Beautiful? - Not just some of them, all of them.
- You think? - I think.
Well, you know, when me and Gare get done printing them I also think they stink.
What? I maen, for what we need, they're just They're just too good, right? - Too good? - Dear Mr.
Van Gogh, if this is your idea of what a sunflower looks like, you ought to have your eyes checked.
Come on.
We've got to show these to a client.
He's not an art critic, he's just You said they're beautiful.
He might love them.
But I don't work for me.
So, what do we do here? We reshoot, right? - I'd like to think about it.
- Elliot, we don't have time.
- I'd like to think about it.
- We don't have time to think about it.
What if I don't want to? Okay.
I need the job.
I need the money.
You want nice-nice, Michael, fine.
I will turn your stomach with nice-nice.
Always working for you, babe.
I gotta eat.
Did we order lunch? No.
So, where are the takeout menus? I'll decide.
I hate your taste.
It's coming on Christmas They're cutting down trees They're putting up reindeer And singing songs of joy and peace Oh I wish I had a river - I could skate away on - Please leave a message.
Or be a creep.
Hi, it's Andy Aronson.
Sorry you missed the show, but I'm here for a few more days Hello? Oh, hi.
Yeah, sure, great.
Now, this one I think I messed up a little bit.
I think I used the wrong lens.
Tell me more.
What? Just talk to me more about your work.
Well, none of it is finished yet.
What exactly, then What are you trying to do? What I'm trying to do Well, it's like when I see pictures, what's always bothered me about them I mean, even about the really good ones Is they never really show you where someone starts from.
You know, why they have the face they do.
And I wanted to try to show that.
Keep going.
Not that I'd ever be able to really do it fully, but, you know, I wanted to try.
I think that you show a lot in your work.
You want to get that? No, I've got a machine.
Keep praising me.
Use adjectives.
I guess what I mean to say is that you're there for the moment.
You simply let people behave, and that takes an incredible amount of patience, to be able to do this.
Well, I'm a great waiter.
I mean, I'll wait and I'll wait and I'll wait.
Melissa, it's Michael.
We're waiting for the new proofs, so call me and we can figure this thing out.
One more question.
When did you last have a show? Camp Muchkeewas, age 13.
The critics were bitterly divided.
Think you're ready for another? But I have one more question.
Yeah.
Is this a man or a woman? - I don't know.
- Oh.
So you know his work? Know it? I wish we could afford it.
Hope, you sure you want me to take all these cookies? Please, you're doing me a favor.
So, come on, you met him.
Andy? Yeah.
I love his stuff.
You do? That's great, because he likes mine.
What? Wait.
You mean it? Well, what did you show him? Oh, I showed him everything.
I showed him the street work, the urban portraits, that series on Michael.
He's not here, is he? He's upstairs.
He's gonna want to hear all about this.
Honey! Lis, you must be so Are you excited? - You must be crazy.
- Oh, it's nothing yet.
What? What's nothing yet? Oh, hey, look at this.
Look at this.
You know this Christmas-Hanukah thing? I think you ought to let Janey decide.
Yeah.
Give her a knish, give her a candy cane, see which she goes for.
Melissa.
Come on, tell him.
Can I go first? I'd like just to say I'm sorry.
I think I was a major doofus yesterday.
And I think I went a little overboard.
Michael, it's okay.
I did the reshoot.
I survived.
Great.
Okay.
Want some tuna? Come on, take a little tuna.
All right, I will take it.
I will take the tuna.
And yesterday, about those pictures, it's okay that you didn't like them, Michael.
Because there's someone else who did.
I know, Elliot really Yeah, Elliot liked them.
And Andrew Aronson.
He liked them, too.
Remember I told you that I met him? What did he say? Tell me everything.
Well, he said that No, wait a minute.
Wait.
I don't want to blow it.
I don't want to put a jinx on it.
Aunt Edna.
Phe, phe, oy oy oy.
Okay, for the next six seconds, there is no evil eye in this room.
- Talk.
- Okay, well, he thinks I'm not bad, I might even be good.
Not to mention real good, not to mention a show, possibly, maybe, God willing, I hope.
Okay, that's five seconds, no jinx, not to mention great news.
It is, isn't it? You think it is? - Yeah.
- So, what's he like? What's he like? Well, he's like his images, his compositions, all his work, it's like I know him here.
Right here.
Yeah, but what kind of a guy is he? He's just this guy.
- So - So.
How old is he? Oh, 40, 42.
Yeah? Where does he live? Hotels, I guess.
How many times has he been married? Five.
Ten.
I don't know.
What is this? I'm just saying you don't know him all that well.
Michael, what are you doing? Nothing.
I'm just saying consider the guy's motives, that's all.
Well, I don't think I have to.
I mean, you've done that for me already.
I mean, you've let me see that in your eyes, there's only one way a man like that could ever be interested in me.
So should I thank you now? Or should I just leave? Wait.
I think I'll leave.
- Michael? - Yeah? Michael, what do you believe in? We never talk about it.
I know we say we're going to.
Okay.
You.
Me? Right.
Is that all? That's not enough? No, no, that's great.
I mean, you believe in me.
Great.
Great.
Uh, can you hand me the towel? What time is it? 6:00.
Ah, we gotta get a move on.
- Michael? - Yeah? - Janey.
- What? Is the sitter late? No.
No, Michael.
Janey.
What's she gonna believe in? She's a baby.
You don't know what I mean.
You can't wear those.
They have a hole in them.
What about you, Hope? - What? - What do you believe in? I asked you first.
Oh, so this is totally me.
I didn't say that.
Well then, tell me.
I really want you to try, because we maybe have a problem here.
Well, you know, I used to know.
I mean, it was easy.
It was It was what? I don't know.
Heaven.
Harps and angels and Okay, harps and angels.
Okay.
But you don't know now? Well, because it's changed.
I mean, it's you, it's Wait, me? Wait, wait.
I've changed it? How? Because it feels weird to me that we should have a Christmas tree? Which is what you want.
That's fine.
But what about me? Because I don't see you polishing any menorahs, Hope.
You sure? Really.
It's okay.
'Cause if you want a Coke or some tea or something, just call room service.
We could go out.
You know, I usually skip lunch, but if you want a salad or something, we could go No, I don't want to go out, it's cold out there.
I think L.
A.
finally has gotten to me.
Well, L.
A.
will do that.
Right.
So? Pictures.
And you're really sure that you don't want to take off your coat and your gloves and your hat? Oh.
Oh, okay.
So I've never seen this one before.
Tell me about this one.
What's this? Oh, that's my Aunt Edna at my Uncle Murray's funeral.
Long lens, she didn't know.
Of course, I was incredibly guilty about it.
- Good.
- Good? I mean, it's only right to feel guilty.
Only not so guilty that it stops you from getting the picture.
Don't quote me.
What are these? Oh, skip those.
That's just a job I did for my cousin.
It's not really, you know, mine.
Okay.
I figure we should choose, I don't know, let's say ten, ten really different ones so we can show Sheldon a real variety.
- Okay.
- Okay.
This one.
I'm nuts about this one.
And this one.
You with me? Yeah, so far.
And this.
And What, you don't like that one? No.
I mean, yes, I like them all, very much.
Okay, but we have to narrow it down.
Right.
What? Nothing.
I was just just thinking.
About this one? That you don't think it would work for Oh, no.
No, not at all.
No.
I think you've got a great eye, and And what? And great eyes.
Oh, God.
If that wasn't the most obvious I'm talking the most embarrassingly obvious line anybody's ever said in this world, all right? I should get back on an airplane and go back to L.
A.
and sit under some orange tree or something.
Is that why I'm here? No, absolutely not.
It's not.
So let's just All right, let's just pretend that I never said it, okay? Yeah, okay, but you did.
So, um, you did.
Look, it's out and it's over with, and Where you going? I'm gonna go for cigarettes.
Cigarettes.
I just want to go down and get some cigarettes.
You know, I'll be - Look, it's nothing.
- What's nothing? You're kidding.
No.
Okay.
Look, how was I supposed to know he was gonna go out? I was gone for ten minutes.
I just went to get cigarettes.
I thought you didn't smoke.
I don't.
I mean, you carry important negatives around all over Philadelphia? Michael, I was bringing them over here.
Look, I am really sorry.
Fine.
Fine.
I'll call the client and I'll say, "We're killing ourselves here", we're working through Christmas, and we misplaced the work.
" We'll get the negatives back.
- Right, right.
- I will.
And how do I even know they're right? - You could trust me.
- Right.
I could.
Just what makes you so sure they're right, huh? Did Andy Aronson tell you? - Shelley, where's my lunch? - It's coming.
Look, if you don't like them, I will do them again.
I will do them and do them till you like them.
- I mean, I'll make sure - Melissa, Melissa.
Get the stuff, okay? I have work to do.
Michael.
So now you're punishing me? Well, when you screw up.
Oh, this is nothing new.
Boy, you just love this, don't you? You just love it.
I mean, you've got me exactly where you want me.
I make one little mistake, and that makes you feel really good Oh, is that how I feel? You don't see yourself, Michael.
- I see you.
- No.
No, you see this pathetic little red-haired schlup.
No friends, no boys, you gotta pay people to dance with me.
Poor Melissa.
If Mikey's not gonna be nice, who is, huh? You see this this case.
Well, when you act like this, I do.
Who asked you? Are you my father? No.
You my brother? No.
You're my cousin.
Why do you want to take care of me? Forget it.
It's not your job.
It's mine.
You're fired.
Who hired you? Don't you turn this back on me, okay? You screwed up.
- Got your - Keep it warm.
Eat your lunch, Michael.
I find you work.
Oh, great.
Oh, here it comes.
I'm not grateful enough.
Oh, Melissa, I don't care about that.
Yeah, you want to hear it? You do.
You want to hear it? I am grateful.
I am so grateful.
Melissa, I have people out there who work for me.
- We all work for you, Michael.
- I know that means nothing to you.
- You're right.
- But it does to me.
So when I give you work, when I count on Use me! When you use me! Oh, see, see? It's my fault, my fault, it's never your fault.
It's you, Michael.
It's you.
And that's why I'm grateful.
Because where would I be, every time someone shows any interest in me, where would I be without you to remind me that I am nothing? Huh? Thanks, Michael.
Thank you for that.
Thank you for that.
Don't you turn this back on me.
No! Don't you turn this back on It's beautiful.
Look, Janey, it's snow.
Yeah.
You've never seen snow before, huh, have you? But it's cold, yeah.
You want to touch it, don't you? You like snowflakes, huh? Look look look.
You want to count them? How many are there? They're pretty hard to count, aren't they? Yeah, and there's so much of it, you can't even count it.
Yeah, and no two are alike.
Just like people.
And because it's so beautiful, you want to catch one and hold onto it forever.
But you can't.
Yes.
Your finger tastes good.
Look at the snow, huh? Do you want to give me a kiss? I love you.
You want to see some more snow? Mr.
Aronson please.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Did he leave a forwarding number? Thank you.
- What time is it? - It's 4, I already told you.
- And stop pacing.
- I'm not pacing, this is waiting.
- Where is she? - I told you that too.
When did she leave? Fifteen, twenty minutes ago.
Okay, and she was gonna get the negatives and she was gonna come right back.
Oh, yeah, damn, I totally forgot.
She said she was stopping by the Liberty Bell to ponder the nature of freedom.
I'll get that.
Hi.
Is Melissa here? 'Cause she left this.
Oh, you guys crossed.
Listen, she'll be right back.
Um, my name's Gary.
I'm her assistant.
- I'm Andy Aronson.
- Yeah, I figured, man.
Listen, you want to come in and have some tea or something? No, that's fine.
I've got to catch a plane.
Just give her this, okay? And tell her the next time she's in L.
A.
just No, don't say that.
I hate people that say things like that.
What should I tell her? That she's good.
That she's really good.
And if she ever needs reminding, my number's on my card in there.
Okay? Yeah, sure, definitely.
I'll tell her.
Have a good trip.
- So, that's Andy Aronson.
- That's incredible, man.
He really thinks Melissa's great.
- Seems to.
- Seems to? God, I'm starving.
Look what she's got in here.
She's got film and capers.
Four jars of capers.
You think she got a deal? Michael, come on, you gotta admit, this is pretty incredible.
All right, I gotta go to the office.
This guy is a terrific photographer.
Listen, when Melissa comes back, just tell her - Michael, listen - What? What? - What if this Aronson guy's right? - What if he is? What if she does break out, she becomes, like, this terrific photographer? - I hope that happens.
- She doesn't need you and Elliot to throw her your schlock work anymore.
Schlock work.
Oh, Shepherd.
I know that what we do is not exactly Melville.
But it's highly creative.
Right.
Hey, I'm a creative guy.
Listen, I know that.
All I'm saying is that maybe she's doing exactly what you wish you could.
Why don't you get back to your creative hotbed here, huh? I wish I had a river so long I would teach my feet to fly Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on Melissa? Melissa, what's the matter? Nothing.
Nothing? You stormed out of there like I'm helping Aunt Rivka.
I'm taking out the pot roast.
Listen, don't knock it.
You know, Aunt Rivka's recipe was crucial to the development of the Manhattan Project.
Here, Michael.
Happy Hanukah.
A Bic pen.
You'll need it.
For filling out all those business school applications.
How'd you find out? Your mother was bragging to Uncle Murray.
He was so proud, he's reserved a place for you in Murray's Knits and Casuals.
You know, Melissa, I'm graduating from Penn in the spring.
I have to think about my life.
You know your life, Michael.
You're a writer.
- Come on.
- A wonderful writer.
No, no, no.
You can't count on that.
What, so you're ready to be one of them? One of the pre-thises and pre-thats? Yeah, maybe that's what I am.
Maybe.
But are you going to give up before you even try? I thought we knew each other.
I thought I knew you.
Oh, Melissa, what do you want me to do? No, wait a minute.
What do you want me to do? Melissa? What do you want me to do? Elliot's mother.
It's kind of a tradition we go there for Christmas Day.
Great.
I mean, she does all the work, right? Right.
Well, she loves Christmas.
Honey, honey, be careful with those scissors.
Oh, and her house smells so wonderful, like pine cones.
Really, I'm gonna have to take those away from you.
Then we open our presents, and Elliot builds a fire, and we'll sing, and then I try to get her to even consider AA, and then we go home.
Look, Mom.
Oh, that's beautiful, sweetheart.
What is it? It's my present for Santa.
Really? What is it? It's a machine gun, so Santa can kill people.
Oh.
Look, Hope.
Yes, that looks just like a real gun, Ethan.
Yes.
So, um, have you and Michael, you know Figured out December 25th? No, of course not.
Are you giving each other presents? Well, I've sort of been hinting around for a pony, but I don't think I'm gonna get it.
Oh.
What are you giving him? Oh, look, it's snowing again.
No, I swear.
Every year at the school pageant, I was the Christmas angel.
Really, I was.
With these chicken wire wings, and I had, like, this big reindeer hat.
And snow on my hair.
Yeah, right.
And I was the Hanukah orthodontist.
I had this enormous night brace hung with candy canes.
Gary, don't try and cheer me up.
I've just blown my entire life.
I'd like to be alone to enjoy it.
Bye.
Feel better anyway.
Yeah.
Gary! Gary! What? I've been rejected.
Is that great? By the Hill Gallery.
Listen.
Listen to this.
"Although we're full up for the spring show, "I found your work fascinating and hope you will bring me anything you do in the future.
" What a beautiful rejection.
I love this rejection.
You know, rejection is very underrated.
Do you know what this means? I will tell you what this means.
- Andy.
Andy did this for me.
- No, Melissa.
He really believed in me, Gare.
- Melissa, Melissa.
- What? - What? - It was Michael.
It was Michael, Melissa.
Michael? I would like to see the entire staff in my office right away.
Which means immediately.
Come on, everybody, let's go, in here.
Which means Which means I want some real work done around here for a change.
And I don't want excuses and I don't want complaining, I just want everybody to get their butts in motion and outta here in five minutes, because we are taking a Christmas vacation, and I mean a long one, I mean fa-la-la-la-la, is that clearly understood? Yes, Mr.
Steadman.
Yes, Mr.
Steadman.
If the pregnant aerobics people want a campaign for Christmas, they're just going to have to sit on Santa's lap and ask for one, because Because Merry Christmas and get out of my face.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you, kind sir, ever so.
Does this mean I have to buy you, like, a really expensive gift? Oh, Elliot, each day with you is a gift.
Your goodwill, your loving kindness.
So, come, dear friend.
Join me in a glass of nog.
You feeling all right? So what would you say if I said we'll go with Melissa's first shoot? Ooh, you mean all that arty stuff? So, what'd you get Nancy for Christmas? Paper towels.
She's always running out.
What'd you get Hope? No, wait wait wait.
Ta-da.
Open it.
Pez? Yeah.
See, you press Santa's little head here, and you get Pez.
Okay, okay, I stole it off Elliot's desk.
I didn't have time to go shopping.
- Give it back if you - No no no.
I mean, Pez.
Pez.
- Pez.
- Wow.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Will you wait here for a sec? I want to surprise her.
Okay.
Come here.
Where'd you get this? It's coming on Christmas They're cutting down trees They're putting up reindeer And singing songs of joy and peace Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on