Those Who Can't (2016) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Why are we here after dark? Well, I didn't set the schedule.
Tammy did.
- [Scoffs.]
- Probably to make my life hell.
I missed a brewery opening tonight.
There's two more afterwards.
I was just hanging out, playing a little one-on-none game of horse.
Well, I found a disturbing anonymous letter on my windshield, written by someone claiming to be a former Smoot student.
All right, I settled out of court with that kid.
Yeah, his nose was broken, but they re It probably wasn't him.
It was probably that kid you "accidentally" on purpose pushed down the stairs.
Ooh.
Or maybe it's that albino kid you ran over in the parking lot.
You remember that? It was snowing, and you know it was snowing.
- He has red eyes.
Okay! - How about we stop guessing? How about that? Okay? The letter reads, "Principal Quinn, Mr.
Shoemaker, Coach Fairbell, Mr.
Trebin, and Mr.
Payton made my life hell at Smoot, so now I bring the hell to you.
So there.
" Yeah, that sounds like a Smoot student, all right.
Yeah.
So, what did the police say? I wanted to make sure we were all in agreeance before I made the call.
Yeah, we're in agreeance.
It's a death threat.
Call the cops.
- What are you doing? - Okay.
Calm down.
Well, the phone is dead.
Use my cellphone.
Oh, God.
There's no signal at all.
Hey, what's the e-mail for the police? - 911@help.
cop? - [Laughs.]
Okay.
Well, my computer's not even working.
Okay.
So you're saying the land line, our cellphones, and the internet are all down? That's pretty weird.
It's okay.
There's no reason to freak out.
[Generators shut off.]
[Gasps.]
How about now? Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through Okay, all right.
The janitors probably just locked us in here From the outside With a chain And a padlock.
- Guys, there's somebody out there.
- What? You guys, I'm telling you, he was right there.
Hey.
Calm down.
You're scaring the little one.
[Girl giggles.]
What are those? - Oh.
- [Chuckles.]
My new Kpop sneaks.
I just got 'em.
They were $218.
94.
Shipped straight from Korea.
They're the New York Good Times Rock 'n' Roller edition.
Check it out Every time I jump Freedom Tower! Did that shoe just say, "Freedom Tower"? [Laughs.]
God, you're an asshole.
Loren: Money well spent.
Okay, look.
Enough about Fairbell's admittedly very, very cool sneakers.
Can we please get out of here? Okay.
- Aah! - Jesus! Come on! Don't do that! I almost shit my pants! Thank God I found you guys! This is crazy.
Are any of your cellphones working? No.
Nothing is working.
Okay.
Admittedly, that is pretty spooky, but we're not completely out of options.
Abbey, have you checked any other doors? They're all locked.
I was just going down the science hallway.
There's an emergency exit there that is always open.
I use it to sneak outside to smoke wee To s-stop kids from smoking weed.
- Oh.
- Good save.
- Are you pushing? - I'm pushing! - Come on! - Chained! Okay.
Well, nobody freak out.
Just a door that's never locked is locked.
Yeah, the janitor probably checked out early, right? I mean, they love to spend that $5.
50 an hour at Dave & Buster's.
- Loren: That's true.
- [Wood creaking.]
- Is Trebin still here? - Dan? We missed you at the mandatory meeting, bud.
Billy: There you go, Fairbell.
Nice and brave of you.
Dan? There's nobody in here.
Fairbell: Uh, guys? Hey, cool hand.
Dan, if this is your idea of a joke, it's really sick.
I don't think it's a joke.
Trebin is the least funny person I know.
I don't know.
I went out drinking with him one time, and he cried the entire time.
It was pretty funny.
Wasn't it, Trebin, you funny guy? [All scream.]
Oh, my God! [All screaming.]
[Screaming loudly.]
Loren: Come on, Fairbell! I am done trying to rationalize any of this, all right? What the hell is going on around here? Trebin's name was one of the names in the letter, so someone tell me right now that this is just a dream! I bet it's my dream.
I have scary dreams like this all the time after I watch "Charmed.
" Just pinch me, and I'll wake up.
Ohh! I said pinch! - Aah! - Hey, I'm sorry.
Maybe it's your dream.
Oof! What are you doing?! Well, if it was my dream, that's what I would do.
- Ohh! - Oh, God! We're still here.
It's not Shoemaker's dream.
Ohh! Jesus, Abbey! It's not my dream! Maybe it's your dream.
I should hit you.
No, no! I want Quinn to hit me.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll I'll do it.
Oh, come on, Quinn.
Hit me like a man.
Wake me up.
I know.
Okay.
Oh.
Oww! Aah! Oh, Christ! That was amazing! Well, that's all of us.
This is clearly not a dream.
This is real, and Trebin's dead.
I'm out of here! - Loren! - Wait! Abbey: Hit me again, Quinn! Statue of Liberty! [Girl giggles.]
Oh, come on! [Sighs.]
How did that not work? Hey there, friend, that's school property.
How about we just take a nice, deep breath? You take a breath, Quinn.
I'm not dying in here.
Billy: Well, if you don't, then I lose the office pool.
Calming hug! Calming hug! - Out of my way, Shoemaker! - Loren! Quinn: Get him! Help! Help! Billy: Loren, come on! Help! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Loren! Center yourself, okay? Soon, our friends and our loved ones are gonna notice that we're missing, and they're gonna alert the authorities.
Friends and loved ones.
Who here has anyone at home who's gonna miss them? Huh? You, Quinn? Fairbell? Abbey? Shoemaker? My wife will be cashing in my life-insurance policy by morning.
See? No one loves us, you guys.
Face it we're The Goonies.
I'm out of here.
Wait.
We can't split up.
That's the first mistake people make.
I'll go to the roof.
I'll jump off.
I don't care if I break both my legs.
Better than dying here! Better than dying here! Quinn: No! Loren! [Generators shut off, all scream.]
[Wet farting.]
Fairbell, was that your shoes? No.
[Chickens clucking.]
Wait! You're not thinking straight, best friend! I'm gonna do it.
Wait.
No.
No! No! No, no! Quinn, I'll just jump and lean into the fall.
Navy S.
E.
A.
L.
S do it all the time.
- I'll be fine.
- Listen to yourself.
You're gonna break every bone in your beautiful body.
Not if I use two chickens to float me down.
Think about it Like in cartoons.
If they flap even a little bit, it'll slow my descent.
You know what? That's crazy enough, it just might work.
You bet your ass it is.
You should grab two of my hardier hens.
I recommend Gertrude and Isabelle.
- Where are they? - Well, they're in the back there.
- You got to look for them.
- I don't see them.
Oh, wait a minute.
No, not again! God damn it, Quinn.
Don't you do this.
- I'm so sorry, Loren.
- Come on.
You are a huge danger to yourself, all right? You're gonna be much safer in there with the chickens.
- Except for Tong Po.
- What? He's a Thai Fighting Cock.
I got him on Craigslist in the "Unpleasant Finds" section.
Do not look him in the eye.
What? Quinn! God damn it, you bastard! I mean, best friend! Hey, best friend! [Breathing heavily.]
Oh, there you guys are.
Okay.
What You look like a mean lady.
These were the only clothes in the lost and found.
Hey, you're the new Shit Jeans.
I am not the new Shit Jeans.
- [Laughs.]
- Whatever, Shit Jeans.
Okay, whatever! Ha ha ha ha! What are we doing? What's going on? Okay.
Change of plans.
We're gonna find something to cut through the chains on those doors.
Oh! You know what? Last time I got handcuffed to the bleachers, Quinn had to go to the shop room to get a special saw.
Oh, the shop room.
Okay, let's go.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, why didn't I think of that? How far away is that? "Badonks"?! You're, like, one of the most popular girls in school.
Shut up, Fairbell! - Wait! - [Sighs.]
Way to go, Abbey.
That's very brave of you.
Just find something to cut the chains.
Hey, can we build a birdhouse? - Shh! - Sorry.
Can we build a birdhouse? Dude, I'm serious.
I am telling you again to shut up! Do not tell me to shut up.
[All scream.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Stupid Terry! What are you even doing in here?! God, the shop kids are fixing him after the last stabbing.
[Pounding on door.]
[All scream.]
Oh, my God! I will slap you! I will slap your face! [All panting.]
Guys? Abbey? Fairbell? Trebi oh, that's right.
Guys? Hello? Hello? - [Sighs.]
- Looks like he's gone.
This is definitely that kid from the letter.
What'd you do to him? Well, I don't know.
I'm mean to a lot of kids.
And before you judge me, I pushed almost 30% of my kids into junior college, and that's not counting the coast guard numbers.
America love me! - [Girl giggles.]
- Metrocard-o! - Your shoes are gonna get us killed.
- Sorry.
You know what? I may have just figured out a way to get us out of here.
A helicopter? Yeah! No, you idiot.
The air ducts.
- No, no.
No, nope.
- What? What? N-o-o.
Last time I was up there, I almost got killed.
What do you think's gonna happen to us if you stay down here? Now, you're just gonna get up there, you'll find your way out, and then go look for a policeman or a grown-up.
Guys, I think that we should stay together.
I think you should shut your mouth.
You shut it.
Okay? Get up.
Come here.
Saddle it in.
Put your hand in the saddle.
Get up! Really? Oh, God! God, your dick smells like a cat's yawn.
[Breathing heavily.]
[Grunting.]
[Imitating proximity sensor beeping.]
[Beeping speeds up.]
Do you guys remember that from the movie? He's doing that thing from "Independence Day.
" That's from "Aliens.
" "They mostly come out at night.
Mostly.
" [Breathing heavily.]
Appletini! [Girl giggles.]
[Grumbles.]
[Bang!.]
Ohh! Fairbell has never actually done anything right, so we should maybe think of another pl Abbey? [Grunting.]
Oh, God! There's a room full of them! Ugh.
What? Who? There's like hundreds of them! They have, like, Uzis and, like, ninja swords! Now Uzis? No one uses Uzis anymore.
I have a child.
I can tell when you're exaggerating, Fairbell.
[Abbey screaming.]
Abbey! Abbey! Oh, God! Hey, slow down.
I can't run that fast in my badonks.
[Both screaming.]
I'm going backwards! I'm going backwards! Help me stay up! Oh, God! That is a very progressive outfit.
Shut up, Quinn! Where where is Loren? I had to lock him in the roof coop.
It's for his own good.
Now tell me right now, what is going on?! There's, like, a-a guy with a mask, - and he's chasing us all.
- I saw it! There's like a hundred of these, like, masked killers.
[Abbey screams.]
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- Okay.
- That came from the library.
Okay.
Let's go.
Quinn, your cock is in the way.
Oh, my God! It's Tong Po! Oh, Jesus.
I just want you to know that I respect your dominance, and I respect you as a warrior and a champion.
And we humbly ask you for safe passage into the word museum.
How does that sound? [Clucking.]
[Laughs.]
It worked! Did you see that? We can go in.
[All screaming.]
Well, hello there, best friend.
Did you miss me? Okay, Loren, I'm very sorry, but I just did what I thought was right in the moment, okay? - What happened to your face? - I got Tong Po'd.
I don't know if you ever tried to pick a lock with a live rooster, but it's not as easy as it sounds.
God, you look like seal.
And you look like you should be getting fingered in a minivan.
I had an incident earlier with the He pooped himself.
- [Laughing.]
- He pooped his pants! Shut your mouth! I did not poop my pants.
Hey, speaking of Shit Jeans, where's Abbey? Probably in there.
Very brave of you.
Abbey? [All scream.]
[All breathing heavily.]
[All scream.]
Quinn! Quinn, what the hell are you doing?! I'm taking a stand! I'm not gonna run anymore.
I've been running for far too long, and that ends tonight! I will not be scared anymore! Okay.
But why are you taking your clothes off? Because if I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go out like Tong Po naked and fighting.
Wow! [Epic music plays.]
Quinn: Aaaaaaah! [All scream.]
Aaaah! [All screaming.]
[Screaming continues.]
Oh, my God, Geoffrey.
What, did you steal somebody's perm wig? What is going on in here?! Relax, Mr.
Quinn.
It's a senior prank.
Greatest senior prank of all time! Yeah.
Isn't it hilarious? Guess I'm pretty funny after all.
Dan, I'm sorry.
I couldn't help myself.
It's okay.
And, Leslie, you're encouraging this? Oh, you betcha.
Chen promised me half of all the YouTube ad sales.
Oh, yeah.
I've always fancied myself as a more relevant Eli Roth.
Et tu, Brute? I'm sorry, Quinn, but I wanted to see Loren squeal like a little bitch.
- [Laughs.]
- Got to admit, it is a hell of a show.
And they had it coming.
Those guys are the worst.
Okay.
They're not the worst.
How about that one time when they planted heroin in my locker? Or exploited my HPV? Yeah, and didn't one of them run over an albino kid with a car? Chen, it was snowing.
Well, this is boring, so I'm gonna take them for another chase.
Tagged out for Bryce! Yeah! - Yeah! - [Laughing.]
I can't get this thing off.
Quinn, why are you desecrating that flag? Abbey, you're in on this whole thing? Yeah.
The kids knew that I would be down with it, so they came to me.
I'm sort of the cool teacher here.
No, I thought that was Loren.
No, nope.
It's me.
Always been me.
Check it! [Men screaming.]
Shoemaker, come on! Oh, my God.
Come on, Shoemaker.
God damn it, I can't bend my knees.
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
What is happening? Abbey's head got cut off! Hey.
We'll grieve when we get out of here, all right? Up until that point, we'll fight our way out if we have to.
Hey, wait.
That's my first compass from elementary scho Christ, Shoemaker, did you have to cut them so short? Can you do me next? I've always wanted some Khaki Dukes.
I cut them short because we are going to survive.
Okay? They were stupid, we're smart, and that's why they're dead.
No wonder they got Trebin early.
The weakest gazelle is always taken first at the watering hole.
Exactly.
Okay, look, I get it An old-fashioned prank.
Good job.
I love Ashton Kutcher.
When they lost that car, that was hilarious.
But this this is too far, okay? So we're gonna shut this down.
[All protest.]
Yes, we're shutting it down.
Look at Quinn.
When he got naked, did you see his body? Do you think he'd survive? No muscle mass? He looked like a giant baby.
Yeah, he even smells like a baby.
Oh, he wouldn't shut up about wanting to be my best friend when we were on the roof.
I was about to jump just to get rid of him.
Actually, maybe it's not over.
Maybe it's just begun.
[Laughter.]
Yeah! Okay.
So it's settled.
We use Quinn's beard oil to make torches, and then we all head for the sewer.
Is this really our best plan? - Shawshank.
- Ninja turtles II: Secret of the Ooze? - [Distorted voice.]
- And then there were three.
"But not all of you have to die," said he.
Just one.
Who will be the lamb for my slaughter? Fun? Choose one to die, and two will live, or fail, and all your lives you'll give.
Bring your sacrifice to the gym.
You have five minutes.
Send him.
That was pretty good.
Oh.
Mm.
Better take my finger off.
Hey, Fairbell, can Shoemaker and I have a minute? Just a second.
Yeah.
Sure.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Okay.
So, I think we're in agreeance that - No doi.
We don't even have to say it.
- Perfect.
Hey, Fairbell? Buddy? Want to go for a walk? - [Whistles.]
- Yeah, sure.
Come on, boy.
Let's go outside.
Let's go.
Come on, buddy.
- Want to go in the hallway again? - Come on, buddy.
There you go.
Go first.
Attaboy.
What should we do about that crazy voice? We should probably come up with a plan.
Maybe later.
Maybe you should just think about some of your favorite memories, Fairbell.
Oh, that's easy.
All my favorite memories involve you guys.
Remember that time we were stuck in the school, and Shoemaker pooped his pants and had to wear badonks? - You mean from like a minute ago? - Yeah.
Please don't let that be your last favorite memory, Fairbell.
It won't be, but we should think of a plan.
Oh, maybe some other time.
Hey, unrelated Who's your next of kin? I guess that would be You guys.
You're basically my family.
This this is getting rough.
Okay, let's walk in silence.
How about that? Okay.
If you two won't think of a plan, I will.
Can you not walk and plan at the same time? No, 'cause then all my plans would involve walking.
[Chuckles.]
I love you guys.
Okay, I said quiet! It's like taking a dog to the vet.
It's worse than taking a dog to a vet.
Oh, God.
Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm sorry! Fairbell! Fairbell! What are you doing?! I asked you guys a million times to come up with a plan, and all you wanted to do was talk about memories! Fairbell! You open this door, you traitor! I mean, best friend! Fairbell! Open the door, best friend.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna think of something.
Fairbell, you smart, stupid son of a bitch! Open the door! I said only one! For fun.
Yeah, well, there's two of us, you psycho! And we've been through too much tonight to throw in the towel now, so you're gonna have to go through both of us! [Choking.]
You like that, you freak bitch?! - [Choking.]
- I'm sorry! Can't sucker punch someone and say you're sorry! I have a family! Cut it out, you two! It's over! What?! Quinn? It was you the whole time? It was just a joke.
It's the senior prank.
This is all a prank? Yeah, I found out myself not that long ago after being very naked.
I tried to shut it down, but Then I heard what you Actually thought of me.
Well, I don't apologize, especially after all this shit.
Loren, is that how you feel? It was in the heat of the moment, Quinn.
I wasn't thinking straight.
So We're still best friends? - [Sighs.]
- Yes, we're best friends.
At school.
Just at school.
- Girl power! - Well, great.
- [Girl giggling.]
- Then it is finally over.
[All screaming.]
You stabbed me! Quinn? Fairbell, what the shit?! I thought I was saving you guys! Wait.
You still have a head? - [Laughter.]
- [Screaming.]
I'de be pissed but at least Quinn got stabbed so And I'm so sorry about that but based on everything I knew, I, thought I was doing the right thing.
Wanna apologize.
I'm sorry for the sucker punch.
Lets call it even for me trying to gouge out your eyes with my teeth Hey, I'm sorry for locking both of you guys in there while I figuring out my plan but it worked, right? - Yeah fuck off.
- You fuck right off.
You just fuck off.
Well, I hope everyone learned a valuable lesson in karma today.
Hope you enjoyed the payback losers.
He is the coolest kid in school.
[chicken clucking.]
[screaming.]