Tiger & Dragon (2005) s01e09 Episode Script

1
FASCINATION
JUMP
Hello, I am Jumptei-Jump.
My favorite suits are jumpsuits.
There is a word called dekigokoro.
It means that a weak person
does something bad on impulse.
When there is a crack in your conscience,
evil slips into it.
I know I've got to work harder…
Ginjiro,
do you know why they say
they need to work harder?
They only say that
because they're not working hard
and they need to tell themselves
to work harder.
The ones who actually work hard
don't say those things.
They just work harder.
Why did you turn it off?
-We were watching.
-Ginjiro, are you working hard?
I…
Not…
really.
You're supposed to work hard!
These days, young people
who don't work or go to school
are called NEETs.
It's an illness of the mind.
Maybe I'm a NEET.
What?
I don't feel like
doing anything these days.
Seeing the other kids looking for jobs…
Maybe I shouldn't just go be a yakuza.
There's no job I really want.
I can just do nothing.
You're at it again.
After you graduate,
you must focus on being a yakuza.
Leave your name
in the history of Ryuseikai.
But do I want to leave a name as a yakuza?
Stuff like golf bores me,
so I'll sit at home doing nothing.
Working part-time isn't my thing.
I have money, after all. I don't know…
You spoiled little brat!
Hey, Tora!
You think you're better
than everybody else?
You got nothing you want to do?
Those are just lame
excuses for lazy-ass bums!
Stop spewing that crap.
Make up your mind like a proper yakuza!
Do something
that'll even take your Pops by surprise!
Go piss on the Parliament or something!
Hyuga, I'm not wrong, am I?
You're not. Well… Are you?
I'll get the NEET out of you.
Ouch!
You can't kick the NEET out of a guy.
But what's NEET?
"Well, even if you explained for years,
he wouldn't understand the concept."
Today's story is
about such a troubled young man.
Let us begin.
Tiger and Dragon.
DEKIGOKORO EPISODE
Will you do rakugo or not?
I'm not so sure myself.
-You're a NEET, too?
-Then what will you do with the shop?
You'll be here.
Just me? Alone?
Maybe we can
turn it into a celebrity shop,
like Umemiya Tatsuo's pickle shop,
selling dolls and stuff.
Hold it. I'm not even famous yet.
We can do rakugo in shifts.
I do it during the day,
and you do it only at night
so you can run the shop.
The thing is, if I become Dad's pupil,
what am I? A curtain-raiser?
No way! Not a curtain-raiser.
Of course. He almost made headliner.
Before curtain-raiser,
there's the trainee.
What?
We don't give special treatment,
not even to a son.
And those who quit once
will run away again.
We won't make it so easy for him!
That means he'll be…
Way your junior.
They said so.
No way!
-Surpass me, then!
-I will!
But you'll still be my senior.
I have to call you big brother!
You always say I'm boring as shit,
but you never saw my gigs!
-I did.
-How was it?
I just laughed because other people did.
The style was rather old.
I get it. You're the jock type I hate.
The kind that flexes his muscle!
And I think your scary face
will make kids cry.
What… Earthquake?
Damn!
Tora's face is so red,
he looks like a dick!
You should have come to see for yourself.
If you don't come this month,
I'll wreck this shop!
I've had it.
PARKING VIOLATION
-Wait up! I just parked it!
-It's been parked for two hours now!
I was keeping an eye on it.
Please, I can't get another ticket.
Like I care.
But it's my brother's car!
Kaneko?
Nakatani?
It's been ages. What were you doing?
Playing pachinko.
Can you remove it?
Can't. I'm a cop.
Your yakuza car is so cool
that I called the traffic cops.
I can't help it. It's my job.
Aren't you graduating this year?
Next year.
What are you going to do?
Will you be a yakuza?
Well, I have no other choice.
I had no idea you became
a cop after high school.
Let's go!
That's…
I bought it in Harajuku. Nice, huh?
Being a patrol cop is really boring.
All I get are people asking
for directions and drunkards.
And lost wallets are never found.
I'm going out with
the chick who found mine.
She works at Dragon Soda.
Look!
Oh.
Huh?
There's no sign of a girl around me.
Pink Lady replaced
the chief for a day. That's it.
Pink Lady, huh?
More Sergeant Pepper than Pink Lady.
Are they okay or not?
No way, they're not freaking okay!
We weren't even born then!
I was imagining something more
dramatic like Shibata Kyohei.
But real life is no fun at all.
I can even understand corrupt cops.
I should go.
What's the hurry?
It's been a while.
Does your group deal drugs or guns?
Hey!
Don't worry.
If you have police connections,
you won't get caught.
Do your people have them?
We don't. Dad doesn't like that stuff.
Really? That's wrong!
Make up your mind like a proper yakuza!
Do something that'll
even take your Pops by surprise!
So you get information about that stuff?
He takes the bait!
I'm tired of collecting debts.
Most people pay without a fuss.
I want to do something movie-like.
You're based in Shinjuku.
Have you heard of the Jinbo gang?
Yeah. They're mostly around 30 years old.
They're a bunch of piranhas
who'll do anything.
And their number is growing.
They've got over 30 people.
Why?
Nothing.
Quality over quantity!
Though we're getting fewer people.
What is that?
Sorry. I'll pay the fine today.
Okay. And what happened to… knit?
-You mean NEET?
-I know! It was a joke!
Did you get over it?
I guess.
I think I found something I want to do.
Good.
See you!
Yeah.
Get that thing off.
-I will.
-Bye.
TODAY'S LINEUP
We were waiting for you!
Thank you all for coming today.
These days, thieves are getting clever.
It's "Dekigokoro"!
They can even pick
double and triple locks
with their amazing skills.
Well, "amazing" might not be
the appropriate word here.
The thieves who appear in my story
are not ones
who will leave their names in history.
"Thieves leaving their names in history."
It doesn't sound appropriate.
Feels like déjà vu.
"How's your work going?"
"I've pulled myself together.
I'll be as wicked as I can be!"
"Good, my son.
Will you try breaking and entering?"
"Breaking and entering?"
"Sneaking inside an
empty house and taking things."
"But isn't that dishonorable?"
Moron! There's no such thing
as an honorable thief!
Find an empty house
where the husband is out working
and the wife is out
buying groceries for dinner.
Break into that house.
First, stand outside and say "Excuse me.'"
What if they're home?
Say something else
with a straight face, like…
"What's your opinion
of the current Edo shogunate?"
You can't ask them
something that difficult!
Ask them something like,
"Is there someone named
so-and-so around here?"
Whatever their answer is,
just say thank you and move on.
What if I'm caught?
If you're caught red-handed,
it's useless to run away.
In that case, cry and beg for mercy.
Cry and beg?
Leave behind everything you stole.
Cry and tell them a story.
"I'm a craftsman
who has no family but my mother.
She has been sick
for more than three years,
so I'm unable to work.
We've spent all our savings,
and I can't afford her medicine.
While I was agonizing,
I happened to pass by this house
and saw the doors were open.
On impulse, I…"
"Shed some tears
and give them this sob story.
They'll feel sorry for you
if you say you did it on impulse.
They might even give you
money for your mother."
So this is the plan.
I say "Excuse me,"
and if someone answers,
I ask for "so-and-so."
If I get caught,
I say I did it on impulse.
This is easy.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
FUNDOSHI FESTIVAL
What?
When will this house be empty?
Things are getting hot in here,
so we'll be drinking till the morning!
I'll come back then.
Hold it, punk!
Get back here! Who the heck are you?
Thank you.
What was that?
Is there a "so-and-so" in here?
What?
It's all right, thanks.
What's all right? He's not making sense!
What should we do, boss?
Kill him!
Wait, I remember!
What is it?
It's Saigobei! Do you know Saigobei?
Saigobei?
He can't possibly be in here.
He is here.
Saigobei! Someone's looking for you!
You're Saigobei?
Yes, I'm Saigobei. What's your business?
Someone told me to say hi to you.
Who?
Me.
Kill him!
I did it on impulse!
On impulse!
On impulse!
I'm so sorry!
Damn, I made a mistake.
Jinbo's place is on the second block.
They've stashed
some dangerous stuff there.
Why don't you arrest them yourself?
Idiot, it doesn't do me any good.
My superiors will take all the credit.
What, then?
Find out what they're up to
and blackmail them.
Me and you?
Kaneko and Ginjiro.
Gold and Silver?
Kane the Gold.
-Gin the Silver!
-Enough!
So?
For the Ryuseikai,
it's a great opportunity
to get rid of a rival.
If you ask me if it's okay or not…
It's okay.
SHINJUKU POLICE STATION
You actually went there? Idiot!
What?
Just kidding. Sorry.
Did you find the stuff?
No! The map is wrong!
What do you see now?
A sushi joint.
There's an apartment in the alley.
Number 101. Hurry before they come back.
If it's wrong, I'll kill you!
"Excuse me.
What a filthy, messy place!
I don't see anything worth taking.
Oh, my.
What's a fundoshi doing there?"
Take it for now.
You're way too relaxed!
Is there anything else?
Nope.
What? Porridge?
No wonder they don't have anything.
This is so good!
It might be my hunger talking,
but this is way too good.
"It's delicious!"
Damn, he's really good.
I'm getting hungry.
"Oh, no! They're back!"
He made such a crazy face back then!
Hello! Hello?
Something's off!
Where are my underpants?
Someone ate my snacks!
Dumbass! I told you to lock the door!
My snacks! My snacks are gone!
Could it be…
Is something wrong?
It's nothing!
I just got a call…
Great timing!
…loitering around here.
I didn't see anyone. Did you?
Let's go outside.
Yes.
We get these calls a lot these days.
Is anything missing?
Nothing at all!
Huh?! It's a DVD?
Oh, yes!
What is this? It's all pixelated.
Oh, yes!
What the hell?
Why "Oh, yes?"
Oh, yes.
Hey, the pixilation is gone.
This is… This is crazy!
This is totally new!
It's mind-blowing!
-It's bootleg porn!
-Adult DVDs.
I don't give a damn!
They aren't drugs or guns!
I never said they had them.
You didn't say so,
but in that context,
you would think of drugs or guns!
Idiot, everybody can hear you.
Sorry.
So basically, they import
lots of unpixellated foreign porn,
dub them, and sell them.
The first two minutes
were pixelated, right?
Yeah.
Then it became full of genitalia.
So that's how they hide it.
Anyway, we've got
the evidence against them.
Now we blackmail the Jinbo gang.
You and me? Mr. Gold and Mr. Silver?
-Right.
-Enough!
I'm not doing this petty shit!
"It's gone! My fundoshi is gone!
Doesn't a thief have better things to do
than rob a poor man like me?"
"Wait. The custodian has been
demanding that I pay my arrearage.
I can use this as an excuse.
I'll tell him the arrearage was stolen.
Then he won't make me pay!
Let's call him."
Hold it.
-"Custodian"?
-Landlord.
-Landlord! Then what's "arrearage"?
-Rent.
Then just say so!
Smart-ass!
I don't care! What's this anyway?
-What is this gathering?
-Fine, just go on!
I'm supposed to be on a date.
You don't date someone
in a shithole like this.
What's with this room?!
Even a reality TV show
wouldn't want this dump!
And three people share this place!
Isn't that funny?
For real?
We're warm now. Continue.
Why do I even have to do rakugo
for my girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend?
Ex-boyfriend? Tora-chan isn't my ex!
We only did it twice.
May I continue?
Now I know what the words mean.
Start from there.
"Custodian! A thief robbed my place!
Thief! Custodian! Thief! Custodian!"
What. A "thief custodian"?
Oh, no! I've been robbed!
Anything missing?
The thief took the arrearage!
And not just the arrearage!
Everything was stolen!
I see. Then describe everything to me.
-What?
-Everything was stolen, right?
We have to report it.
You needn't worry about that.
I can't just sit on my hands.
The authorities will issue a bulletin.
Sometimes they find the stolen goods.
And return it?
If they find it, they do.
That's great.
Then an Etchu fundoshi, please.
"I can't report that to the authorities!"
"How about a futon?"
"That's a huge thing to steal.
Describe it to me."
"What futon do you have, sir?"
"It has an arabesque pattern on it."
"Then mine has an arabesque pattern, too!"
"No need to copy me!"
"What about the back?"
"It's a dead end."
"Not the alley! The back of the futon!"
"Describe yours."
"Mine is made
of sturdy warm indigo cotton."
"Then mine is also
sturdy warm indigo cotton."
"What else is missing?"
"A hair belt."
"What's a hair belt?
You mean a Hadaka belt?"
"That's a good belt you had."
"W-What does it look like?"
"Arabesque on the front,
indigo on the back."
"Belts don't have a back!"
"It's sturdy and made of warm cotton."
"What else was taken?"
"A sword."
"A sword?"
"Yes, the back side is indigo."
Enough. Stop.
What happened, Kotora?
You're learning so fast.
Right, Donta?
I was lulled to sleep.
You've improved!
Thank you.
Who taught you?
What?
Your "Dekigokoro"
was a bit different from mine.
You stole a story about stealing.
It wasn't "on impulse"!
Don't play innocent, you thief!
Tell me the truth.
Who did you learn it from?
R-Ryuji.
What were you thinking?
Don't blame him. I made him do it.
Kotora, when you learn rakugo,
you shouldn't learn from random people.
Do you know why?
Every performer has
his own quirks and mannerisms.
Even the punchline
can be told differently.
So…
Don-chan?
Father, where are you going?
Kotora, come with me.
-Ryu-chan.
-Yeah?
Would Tora-chan have done well?
Well…
Don't worry.
I'm sure Tora-chan did a good job.
Ryu-san.
What, Ryu-chan?
Did you come from China
to stop me from having sex?
Please, don't.
-Master.
-Yeah?
Are you mad at me?
I told you, I'm not mad.
-I see.
-Yeah.
I couldn't say this
in front of the other pupils,
but it's a good thing
that you want to improve yourself.
For now, we won't discuss
Ryuji's rakugo skills.
Why a strip club?
This is a remedial class.
Actually, "Dekigokoro"
has two different punchlines.
In one, the thief
comes out of hiding and says,
"I can't believe what I've been hearing!
All the lies you're telling!
What indigo cotton?
Forget about futons.
There isn't even a coat in here!"
"Hey! You're the thief!"
"Oh, that's right. I'm the thief.
My mother has been sick
for more than three years.
I broke in on impulse.
I should cry here…"
"You must be an amateur thief.
It can't be helped if it was on impulse.
And you, Hachiko.
Why did you tell me these lies?"
"I did it on impulse, too!"
That's pattern A.
Here's pattern B.
"I broke in on impulse.
I should cry here…"
"You must be an amateur thief."
Up till here, it's the same.
"How did you break in?"
"I entered from the back."
"The back? What back?"
"The back… The back is indigo cotton!"
Like this one better?
Not particularly.
I see.
Actually, I like this punchline better,
but I don't perform it on stage.
Why not?
Because it was Ken-chan's punchline.
Ken-chan?
Your boss, Nakatani Ken.
Actually,
more than 30 years ago…
We performed together on this stage.
-What?
-Yeah.
Doing classics wasn't enough,
so I persuaded Ken-chan
to do skits with me here part-time.
What are you doing? I'm not drunk!
What are you doing?
I'm just doing my job.
Will you do it, please?
Do what?
Walk straight.
I don't walk straight! I'm a yakuza!
I've never walked straight!
Just do it!
Okay!
Watch out!
Our duo, Nakayanaka,
was quite popular back then.
Sounds like Ogihayagi.
Sorry.
If I hadn't gotten proud
and done something stupid,
Ken-chan might still be a proper comedian.
What did you do?
Although he didn't show it,
he hated to lose.
When we performed together,
I got all the laughter.
He probably hated that.
So he suddenly started to go off-script.
As you insist you're not drunk,
I have a suggestion.
What?
Do impersonations. Then I'll let you go.
Ken-chan?
A panda.
Impersonate a panda at the Ueno Zoo.
He probably wanted
to make me look stupid.
But instead, I was on fire
and made the audience roar with laughter.
I think it was the reason
why Ken-chan gave up
being a comedian.
The next time we met,
he'd already become famous in Shinjuku.
I'm so sorry for what I did.
I feel bad for him.
He convinced himself
that he had no talent.
But then, if he hadn't quit,
Ken-chan wouldn't have become a yakuza,
and you and I wouldn't have met.
I guess.
So Kotora, even if you quit yakuza life,
don't forget to be grateful to him.
You're here thanks to Ken-chan.
So when you get on stage,
you're taking his place.
You've got to keep that in mind.
Yeah.
Sorry about the gloomy story.
"Dekigokoro" reminds me
of all these things.
I guess this was an "impulse," too.
Stupid!
What?
My boss and you
were like a tiger and dragon.
Nothing so wonderful.
More like a flea and a louse.
So I can't go today.
Why? There are no customers!
I'll go tomorrow!
It's got to be today!
Donkichi is on a trip with his fiancée,
so I'll be second-to-last.
That's not all.
What?
A TV crew will tape the show.
Listen, everyone.
Just because a TV crew is coming,
don't get too excited!
-Perform as usual.
-Yes, sir.
Shall I draw your eyebrows?
Please!
Mine, too!
Rakugo's hot these days.
We haven't had a TV crew in ages!
Like I even care.
What? It's 3 p.m. Today. You better come!
What is it? Let me go!
How is Gin-gin these days?
I haven't seen him for a few days. Why?
What should I do?
Should I tell him?
What?
What's this? I can't believe it!
Watching this sort of thing!
-Calm down!
-You have a girlfriend!
Why do you watch porn?
No! It's not what you think!
This is important… It's evidence!
It's important evidence!
There's a gang called Jinbo.
They deal drugs and guns!
This is… camouflage!
They probably put drugs in these cases!
Really?
So you can't tell anyone.
Not Dad, not Brother.
It's our secret.
And that really hurt!
Gin-gin said he had the evidence,
and he was going to get
hush money from the Jinbo gang.
What was that idiot thinking?
Exactly.
Gin-gin isn't bold enough for that.
He's stupid, his hair is funny,
and I got scared.
So I called the cops.
No movement.
Got it.
What's this?
A house search.
We got an anonymous tip saying
that Jinbo stashed drugs and guns here.
For real?
What's going on?
How did they find out?
I'm so sorry!
The other day, a cop came by
saying that a suspicious guy--
-A suspicious guy?
-We didn't see him…
Hello? Oh, hey.
Shut up! Risa told me everything!
It was a lie. It's over.
She almost caught me jerking off,
so I lied to her face.
Right now? I'm having lunch.
Ginjiro?
Ginjiro!
We've been waiting for you!
Hello! I'm Jumptei-Jump,
and I love jump competitions.
What, it's Shonen Jump!
What happened to Kotora?
Doesn't your group
educate young ones properly?
Send someone
that we can talk to right now.
Ginjiro! What have you
gotten yourself into?
-Let's go, Yamazaki.
-Yes, sir.
I'll go.
They're just thugs.
They don't deserve you.
Don't be stupid!
What father doesn't care for his son?
He's my brother.
Tora.
This is Yamazaki.
Shut up! What about your performance?
I'm sorry. I'll be a little late.
What's with that deep voice?
Kotora, no one can replace you!
What is going on?
Hurry back here! Everyone is waiting!
Kotora? Hello?
What are you doing? Hello?
What?
Hello?
I think the next person is ready.
One last song.
Of course, it's "Jump" by Van Halen!
I've had enough of Jump.
Let me tell you a short story.
Kotatsu! It's been ages
since you came here!
Don't be so loud!
Where is Tora-chan?
He hasn't appeared yet.
Are you ready for this, Tora?
Yes, sir.
Jumptei-Jump is going to be done soon.
There's no choice, I guess. I'll go.
Donburi, buy me some clothespins
and some hot fish cakes.
-Maybe I should.
-Don.
You can't. If you go,
then Kotora will be the last act.
Who said I'll do rakugo?
I'll never give away the last act!
Dad?
The concert portion of the show has began!
Don-chan.
That leaves me no choice.
I sang. I sang my heart out.
The audience was moved. That felt good.
You sing, too.
No, I can't possibly do that.
How about Kotora?
Not yet.
What the hell? I'll expel him!
Where are the clothespins
and the fish cakes?
-I didn't buy them.
-Don.
-What?
-Someone's talking onstage.
What?
Flight attendants say
the same things over and over again.
"Here is your hand towel.
Here is your hand towel."
Then she sees my face, and she stutters.
"Here is your hand.
I'm terribly sorry, sir."
Ken-chan.
Who is that?
A genius from Kansai.
Listen carefully and learn.
Because I look like this,
even passersby think
I must be "from that world."
So when I pass them by,
I can sense something
going on behind my back.
So I look back, and a guy is doing this.
At that very moment, our eyes meet,
and he does this with his finger.
He's funny, but he's not for TV.
Kotora.
What happened?
I'm terribly sorry for being late.
Kotora, what happened?
Who did this to you?
Someone get me my kimono.
Get the kimono.
You're performing with that face?
Yeah, though I might not be able to kneel.
But there's a TV crew.
Shut the hell up!
Take my belt off.
Oh, this. This.
Get my shoes off.
And last time,
I took the Shinkansen train.
When you get on the Shinkansen…
This is it for me today.
I'll continue with the story next time.
Sorry. I was late.
Idiot. I've only done the introduction.
Ken-chan.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
A boss is supposed to cover for his men.
Hurry up! Come on!
Oh! There he is!
Tora-chan!
What's this? A boxer after a match?
I'm sorry, I fell.
Young people today don't talk properly.
They're always saying "okay"
or "not okay." How boring is that?
Tiger, tiger, Nemutaiga!
That missed the mark.
A yakuza's son had an ambition.
This is the main story.
He decided to join forces
with a cunning officer
and sneaked into an enemy organization.
The tragedy began because of his impulse.
It's "Dekigokoro."
Instead of some dangerous treasure,
all he found were discs.
What's this?
He decided to take a disc back anyway,
and it turned out
that this disc had images
of naked blonde babes,
or what you'd call "erotic art."
While they were illegal, too,
that alone wasn't so interesting,
so he spread juicy rumors
of drugs and guns.
The enemy got wind of it and caught him.
Why not follow tradition
and chop your finger off,
heir boy?
What are you looking at?
You're the one who started it.
R-Raise your hands!
I-I'm from the Shinjuku Police Depart…
Move!
Who the hell are you?
Two men who you can talk to.
Brother.
Hand him over to us.
I said hand him over!
I-It's just like the movies!
Twenty people versus two.
It seemed impossible,
but the two were veteran fighters.
It was as if they were
taking out their stress
by fighting.
Oh, it wasn't me.
Mostly thanks to the underboss,
they rescued the heir,
and the gang that sold
erotic art was arrested.
Are you okay?
No, I'm not, moron!
I have an important gig after this.
Real yakuza are so dope, man.
I was scared shitless.
What's your name?
Kaneko, sir.
-Kaneko.
-Yes, sir.
If you want to prove yourself,
don't use other people.
Why did you drag
our precious heir into it?
-How should I put…
-Put what?
Sorry!
It was an impulse.
I thought it might be okay.
Ginjiro.
Yes, sir.
If you don't know what you want to do,
follow me.
Don't get mixed up with drugs or guns.
You hear me, idiot?
I'm sorry.
I had this impulse, too.
I thought it would be okay.
Anyway,
is this a front copy or a backstreet?
The back is indigo cotton.
Now go see a doctor!
Sorry.
Here we go.
Here is your pizza toast.
You used it immediately,
the indigo cotton.
Well, yeah.
I heard Ryuji came to see you.
Did he say anything?
I haven't seen him yet.
This month's lesson fee.
Thank you.
An exact amount.
There it is!
What's that?
Nothing.
-Hey.
-I gave it to you.
You know it when I lie.
-I do!
-Sorry! Here is this month's payment.
By the way, the French is also fake.
I said I know!
It was fun.
It was like a circus
with singing and yakuza.
-Is that a compliment or not, punk?
-It is.
The stage has changed a lot since I left.
Or maybe you changed it.
Dad actually sang.
He would never have done that.
Maybe I can perform
if the stage has changed like that.
Although I'd hate to be your junior.
What is it?
That's…
Yasuo.