Todd & the Book of Pure Evil (2010) s01e09 Episode Script
Big Bad Baby
Eight months ago, the sisterhood of fertility made a secret pact and now the time has come to reveal the fruits of our labor.
It's baby bump time! I can't believe we're all going to be mommies at the same time! I just felt it kick! Come on, Sharon, show us yours.
No, I'm really bloated.
Share with the sisterhood, Sharon.
It's so cold and boney.
What's wrong with your baby? Is that a chicken? It's actually a Turkey.
You've brought shame to the sisterhood.
But, I tried so hard.
I did it with everybody except for that stoner and his one-armed friend.
What's the point of being the school slut if you can't get knocked up? Looks like you're barren, Sharon.
Barren Sharon! Barren Sharon! Hey, you told me that sperm sample was for a science project.
Shsharon) VulgaGravi Infintt malm!M! good morning, everyone.
Welcome to family planning.
Everybody will be paired up to become parents of their own virtual baby.
Hey, Jenny-- help me out? Be my baby mama? Are you kidding? You'd make a terrible father, Todd.
What makes you say that? You just gave your baby a joint.
Sadly this may be the closest some of you ever get to having a baby, as the hand of fate is a cruel master.
Sharon has the book.
Come on, she's probably just sick.
Ugh Okay, that was definitely book puke.
ê hey, stop her! She's got the book! Whack! Who's an awesome guidance counsellor? Holy shit! Monster fat is on the loose again! No, you idiot, she's pregnant.
Oh I told you she used the book but you all doubted me.
To be fair you also thought somebody used the book to make you fail algebra.
Sharon, we all know you used the book so don't deny it.
I don't deny it.
I totally used it and I would use it again.
Jenny, it was amazing! I wanted a baby and it came true.
Getting knocked up is what you wanted more than anything in the world? Yeah, it's like the 'in' thing to do.
Really? I thought gordian knot theory was the 'in' thing.
Okay-- where's the book, Sharon? Okay, can you give us another clue? She's going into labor! Dude, shit! Holy shit who's gonna deliver it? I have a placenta allergy.
What like I'm the second best choice? You want to be in charge, so be in charge! If I'm in charge then I order you to do it! Someone get it out of me! Okay everyone, hold her down! Todd, you spread her legs and hike up her skirt! And not in a sexual way.
Ughhhhh! That is the hugest vagina I've ever seen! More like the only vagina.
She's got you there, dude.
Ugh, I see blood and hair, and bloody hair and looks like the top of a mango! A bloody mango! That's the head! Push it back in! No no! Pull it out! Wait! Okay go! Dude, that was awesome! Splat! Oh, we gotta do that again! I wasn't filming.
Do you have another one of those inside of you? That does big gross things.
Man, I can't believe Jenny doesn't think I'd make a good father.
This totally messes with my ten year plan.
You have a ten year plan? I don't even know what I'm doing tonight.
We're going to visit Sharon at the hospital remember? So we can find the book.
Oh yeah.
So what's your ten year plan? Oh man, it's so awesome.
ê home sweet home! I missed you, my sexy wench.
How was your 3 year world tour, my darling? We're #1 in Mongolia.
You always were popular with mongaloids.
Hello, my new born son.
Your dad brought you a gift.
Like father like son.
I think I see a flaw with your plan, dude.
If you'd been on tour for 3 years, then that isn't your baby.
Well, what are you saying? I'm saying that Jenny is a two timing slut.
Who's a two timing slut? Future Jenny.
Hey, Jenny don't do anything to freak out Sharon or the baby, okay? What? I'm great with babies.
I'd make an awesome dad.
Just because you delivered a baby doesn't make you a father.
In fact, it makes you a midwife.
Cheer up, Todd.
Think of all the money we can make as midwives.
There's something wrong with that baby! Shut up shut up shut up! You stupid baby! Oh, I don't like her.
Hey, Sharon! Can you hear me? Hello? Shut up shut up shut up! Sharon? What did you do with the book? It's nothing like I thought it would be.
I wanted a cute baby, instead I got that.
I don't give a rat's ass about your miracle of motherhood.
Where's the book? I'm completely spent.
Every last drop.
See? The book's gotta be around here somewhere.
Will somebody shut that baby up? Ok, ok, ok.
It's ok, little dude.
You don't need to cry.
Uh ok, ok-- so how do you like being born and stuff? Dada? No, no I'm not-- no, I'm not your dad.
I'm just a dude who pulled you out of your mom.
Dada.
No.
My name is Todd.
Say it, Todd.
Tata.
No, um-- how do I explain this to a little dude? Your dad is a book.
And he's an evil book, too.
But that doesn't mean that you're evil.
Maybe it does.
Dada, dada! Holy shit! This book is a blanky! No no no no! It's ok, little dude.
You don't need to cry.
I'm just trying to separate you from your dad.
It's wet! Be gone foul demon! In the name of the lord , i command thee! Not him, you idiot, the baby! Get the devil out of the baby! Thou shalt not harm this-- I just need the blanket! Beautiful Child of Jesus Christ! You'd make a great father, Todd.
It wasn't my fault! How can that baby already be walking? They grow up so fast.
Dada? Hello? Is that a baby? There, there-- I'm coming! Oh, my gosh What a big baby Dada? Ahhhhhhhh! If we were lost, scared and rapidly growing where would we go? Think like a baby.
Babies can't think for themselves.
Just like those morons who thought it was a great idea to get pregnant.
I can't see myself ever getting pregnant.
I hate babies, too! Well, that's not what I mean-- why would you want to bring a kid into this fucked up world? I agree.
The earth is overpopulated as it is.
Scientists predict that by 2035 we'll-- and it totally ruins your body.
Cracked nipples.
That sounds painful.
If I wanted someone leeching off of me, I'd get a boyfriend.
Babies are kind of like parasites, aren't they? Breathing your breath, eating your food, waiting to burst out of you at any moment.
Although, I would adopt.
No, babies are trouble just like the guys that give them to you.
They're loud.
They're messy, and they just wanna snack on your boobs.
Guys give you babies so that they can control you.
You're very angry.
Thank you but I'm just a straight shooter.
Maybe if the right man came along No.
Trust me, Hannah-- guys don't care about babies.
They just care about making them.
Man, all these chicks getting pregnant, not one of them asked me to knock them up.
Hey cheer up, Todd.
It's not your fault your baby went awol.
These things happen.
My parents have been trying to get rid of me for years.
It's not my baby, Curtis.
You said it was calling you dada.
It's a baby, it calls everything dada or mama.
Also that baby is evil it was spawned by the book.
Evil or not, we gotta name it something tough.
Now we could call it punch, slap, elb ow -- naming it elbow doesn't make it tough.
Jax? No.
You know what Todd? Why don't you think of a name then? Okay, um How aboutBrunt? We better hope it's not a fat kid.
I like brunt.
Well, I like jax.
We could combine the jax and brunt.
Yeah! Jrunt! I was thinking more like brax.
Brax He sounds like a soldier from the future.
Wicked.
Oh Wow, what's going on? They're peeling miss lilly off the floor, or what's left of her.
Somebody spotted a huge baby entering the school last night.
You think it might be brax? You mean the third star in the corin minor constellation? No.
We named the baby brax.
Typical.
You guys have all the fun like naming babies, while Hannah and I do all the serious work.
What serious work? Shut up.
Judging by what just happened to miss lilly, I'd say we're not dealing with a helpless baby.
It may not even be a baby anymore.
Who knows how big it's grown by now.
Dude, I just had a horrible thought.
You might have to quit school and get a job.
You know, to support little bracks.
What the hell are you talking about, Curtis? The baby thinks Todd is his daddy.
He even stops crying when Todd's around.
And you thought Todd would make a terrible father.
In your face, Jenny! You never mentioned any of this.
'Cause it's irrelevant, it's not my baby.
Have you seen my baby? My baby! It's her baby.
Have you seen my baby? Have you seen my baby? Oh so now you wanna be mom? Make up your mind, will you? I want my baby! Will you help me find him? What? No, no, I'm terrible with kids.
You said so yourself, Jenny.
We find the baby, we find the book.
I hate it when you're right.
Okay, Sharon I'll help you find your baby, brax.
Who? We named your baby brax.
No, his name's agamemnon.
What, it's a classical Greek name.
You'll make a great mother.
Okay, can we go now? Thank you.
Hello? Atticus why have you not yet found the book? My patience is running out! It's um-- uh, I-- I do have a job, your evilness.
My apologies but, it's hard work being a guidance counsellor.
I'll call you back.
Atticus! ê dada! Sweet mother of Satan The book is a blankie? HelloMr baby.
Atticus, who is who I am, is here to help you.
Sorry, mr baby.
Smooth move, atticus.
Noooooooo! I won't lose you again, brax! Hold on! I'm coming! Have you seen my baby? Are you sure? Oh-- hi, kids.
Are you okay, mr Murphy? I'm wonderful.
Could you do me a favor? Save me from this big bad baby! Uh-- hey there, brax It's okay.
I'm here for you.
Dada? Yeah, that's right-- your uh, your dada is here No! No! Dammit, come back here! The book blanky thing! Dada! You sure have gotten gigantic, haven't you? No, Todd! Ah-ah-ah! Ughhh! Easy, easy, easy-- that wasn't so hard.
You gotta learn to chill out.
When you're old enough, I'm gonna introduce you to a beautiful thing called marijuana.
Wow, I wish I had a dad like Todd.
It's like he's some sort of baby whisperer.
See, there you go.
More like a book of pure evil whisperer.
Baby! Mommy's really sorry she yelled at you! You hear that? That's your mommy calling.
She may not be the best mom in the entire world, but you should give her a chance, okay? Okay, go to her.
For me.
ê baby! Ahhhhhhhh! Whoa! It's okay, brax! Everything's okay! Sure he just squashed his mother to death, that's all.
And miss lilly.
It's better if we just say he killed them with kindness.
Give me a break! That big bad baby is a menace to society! He's not bad, Jenny.
He's just misunderstood.
Like me.
I'm gonna miss brax.
Maybe we shouldn't have given him such an evil name.
Yeah Oh that's an interesting debate.
Were we born or were we created? Uh, I'm pretty sure we're born, Hannah.
I watched it happen like yesterday.
I mean, is it nature? Shhh Let them have this one.
Those paramedics sure got here fast.
I always see them parked up the street.
Makes sense.
Do you think it's 'cause of all the kids who like, die here? Probably.
Do we have to wait forever? When he's ready, he'll come to us.
What a loser.
Pure evil loser.
The book changes shape but only sometimes.
Why is that? Maybe it's getting bored doing the same thing all the time.
Does anyone have any real theories? Oh hey, Jenny-- so if you ever decide that you wanna have a kid You know where to go, right? Yeah.
To a sperm bank.
What? Come on.
Admit it, I'm great with kids.
Maybe-- or maybe you just have a weird connection to the book.
So what are you getting at? I dunno Todd, it's like the book treats you differently.
The big bad baby called you dad.
Bailey's monster cock spoke to you.
The homunculous looked like you-- it's a lot of little things, but I think they might add up to something Good news, kids, the baby's been destroyed.
What? Just kidding-- he's been adopted.
By who? The parents prefer to remain anonymous.
All you need to know is he's in a loving environment.
ê googoo, gaga That's a nice soother
It's baby bump time! I can't believe we're all going to be mommies at the same time! I just felt it kick! Come on, Sharon, show us yours.
No, I'm really bloated.
Share with the sisterhood, Sharon.
It's so cold and boney.
What's wrong with your baby? Is that a chicken? It's actually a Turkey.
You've brought shame to the sisterhood.
But, I tried so hard.
I did it with everybody except for that stoner and his one-armed friend.
What's the point of being the school slut if you can't get knocked up? Looks like you're barren, Sharon.
Barren Sharon! Barren Sharon! Hey, you told me that sperm sample was for a science project.
Shsharon) VulgaGravi Infintt malm!M! good morning, everyone.
Welcome to family planning.
Everybody will be paired up to become parents of their own virtual baby.
Hey, Jenny-- help me out? Be my baby mama? Are you kidding? You'd make a terrible father, Todd.
What makes you say that? You just gave your baby a joint.
Sadly this may be the closest some of you ever get to having a baby, as the hand of fate is a cruel master.
Sharon has the book.
Come on, she's probably just sick.
Ugh Okay, that was definitely book puke.
ê hey, stop her! She's got the book! Whack! Who's an awesome guidance counsellor? Holy shit! Monster fat is on the loose again! No, you idiot, she's pregnant.
Oh I told you she used the book but you all doubted me.
To be fair you also thought somebody used the book to make you fail algebra.
Sharon, we all know you used the book so don't deny it.
I don't deny it.
I totally used it and I would use it again.
Jenny, it was amazing! I wanted a baby and it came true.
Getting knocked up is what you wanted more than anything in the world? Yeah, it's like the 'in' thing to do.
Really? I thought gordian knot theory was the 'in' thing.
Okay-- where's the book, Sharon? Okay, can you give us another clue? She's going into labor! Dude, shit! Holy shit who's gonna deliver it? I have a placenta allergy.
What like I'm the second best choice? You want to be in charge, so be in charge! If I'm in charge then I order you to do it! Someone get it out of me! Okay everyone, hold her down! Todd, you spread her legs and hike up her skirt! And not in a sexual way.
Ughhhhh! That is the hugest vagina I've ever seen! More like the only vagina.
She's got you there, dude.
Ugh, I see blood and hair, and bloody hair and looks like the top of a mango! A bloody mango! That's the head! Push it back in! No no! Pull it out! Wait! Okay go! Dude, that was awesome! Splat! Oh, we gotta do that again! I wasn't filming.
Do you have another one of those inside of you? That does big gross things.
Man, I can't believe Jenny doesn't think I'd make a good father.
This totally messes with my ten year plan.
You have a ten year plan? I don't even know what I'm doing tonight.
We're going to visit Sharon at the hospital remember? So we can find the book.
Oh yeah.
So what's your ten year plan? Oh man, it's so awesome.
ê home sweet home! I missed you, my sexy wench.
How was your 3 year world tour, my darling? We're #1 in Mongolia.
You always were popular with mongaloids.
Hello, my new born son.
Your dad brought you a gift.
Like father like son.
I think I see a flaw with your plan, dude.
If you'd been on tour for 3 years, then that isn't your baby.
Well, what are you saying? I'm saying that Jenny is a two timing slut.
Who's a two timing slut? Future Jenny.
Hey, Jenny don't do anything to freak out Sharon or the baby, okay? What? I'm great with babies.
I'd make an awesome dad.
Just because you delivered a baby doesn't make you a father.
In fact, it makes you a midwife.
Cheer up, Todd.
Think of all the money we can make as midwives.
There's something wrong with that baby! Shut up shut up shut up! You stupid baby! Oh, I don't like her.
Hey, Sharon! Can you hear me? Hello? Shut up shut up shut up! Sharon? What did you do with the book? It's nothing like I thought it would be.
I wanted a cute baby, instead I got that.
I don't give a rat's ass about your miracle of motherhood.
Where's the book? I'm completely spent.
Every last drop.
See? The book's gotta be around here somewhere.
Will somebody shut that baby up? Ok, ok, ok.
It's ok, little dude.
You don't need to cry.
Uh ok, ok-- so how do you like being born and stuff? Dada? No, no I'm not-- no, I'm not your dad.
I'm just a dude who pulled you out of your mom.
Dada.
No.
My name is Todd.
Say it, Todd.
Tata.
No, um-- how do I explain this to a little dude? Your dad is a book.
And he's an evil book, too.
But that doesn't mean that you're evil.
Maybe it does.
Dada, dada! Holy shit! This book is a blanky! No no no no! It's ok, little dude.
You don't need to cry.
I'm just trying to separate you from your dad.
It's wet! Be gone foul demon! In the name of the lord , i command thee! Not him, you idiot, the baby! Get the devil out of the baby! Thou shalt not harm this-- I just need the blanket! Beautiful Child of Jesus Christ! You'd make a great father, Todd.
It wasn't my fault! How can that baby already be walking? They grow up so fast.
Dada? Hello? Is that a baby? There, there-- I'm coming! Oh, my gosh What a big baby Dada? Ahhhhhhhh! If we were lost, scared and rapidly growing where would we go? Think like a baby.
Babies can't think for themselves.
Just like those morons who thought it was a great idea to get pregnant.
I can't see myself ever getting pregnant.
I hate babies, too! Well, that's not what I mean-- why would you want to bring a kid into this fucked up world? I agree.
The earth is overpopulated as it is.
Scientists predict that by 2035 we'll-- and it totally ruins your body.
Cracked nipples.
That sounds painful.
If I wanted someone leeching off of me, I'd get a boyfriend.
Babies are kind of like parasites, aren't they? Breathing your breath, eating your food, waiting to burst out of you at any moment.
Although, I would adopt.
No, babies are trouble just like the guys that give them to you.
They're loud.
They're messy, and they just wanna snack on your boobs.
Guys give you babies so that they can control you.
You're very angry.
Thank you but I'm just a straight shooter.
Maybe if the right man came along No.
Trust me, Hannah-- guys don't care about babies.
They just care about making them.
Man, all these chicks getting pregnant, not one of them asked me to knock them up.
Hey cheer up, Todd.
It's not your fault your baby went awol.
These things happen.
My parents have been trying to get rid of me for years.
It's not my baby, Curtis.
You said it was calling you dada.
It's a baby, it calls everything dada or mama.
Also that baby is evil it was spawned by the book.
Evil or not, we gotta name it something tough.
Now we could call it punch, slap, elb ow -- naming it elbow doesn't make it tough.
Jax? No.
You know what Todd? Why don't you think of a name then? Okay, um How aboutBrunt? We better hope it's not a fat kid.
I like brunt.
Well, I like jax.
We could combine the jax and brunt.
Yeah! Jrunt! I was thinking more like brax.
Brax He sounds like a soldier from the future.
Wicked.
Oh Wow, what's going on? They're peeling miss lilly off the floor, or what's left of her.
Somebody spotted a huge baby entering the school last night.
You think it might be brax? You mean the third star in the corin minor constellation? No.
We named the baby brax.
Typical.
You guys have all the fun like naming babies, while Hannah and I do all the serious work.
What serious work? Shut up.
Judging by what just happened to miss lilly, I'd say we're not dealing with a helpless baby.
It may not even be a baby anymore.
Who knows how big it's grown by now.
Dude, I just had a horrible thought.
You might have to quit school and get a job.
You know, to support little bracks.
What the hell are you talking about, Curtis? The baby thinks Todd is his daddy.
He even stops crying when Todd's around.
And you thought Todd would make a terrible father.
In your face, Jenny! You never mentioned any of this.
'Cause it's irrelevant, it's not my baby.
Have you seen my baby? My baby! It's her baby.
Have you seen my baby? Have you seen my baby? Oh so now you wanna be mom? Make up your mind, will you? I want my baby! Will you help me find him? What? No, no, I'm terrible with kids.
You said so yourself, Jenny.
We find the baby, we find the book.
I hate it when you're right.
Okay, Sharon I'll help you find your baby, brax.
Who? We named your baby brax.
No, his name's agamemnon.
What, it's a classical Greek name.
You'll make a great mother.
Okay, can we go now? Thank you.
Hello? Atticus why have you not yet found the book? My patience is running out! It's um-- uh, I-- I do have a job, your evilness.
My apologies but, it's hard work being a guidance counsellor.
I'll call you back.
Atticus! ê dada! Sweet mother of Satan The book is a blankie? HelloMr baby.
Atticus, who is who I am, is here to help you.
Sorry, mr baby.
Smooth move, atticus.
Noooooooo! I won't lose you again, brax! Hold on! I'm coming! Have you seen my baby? Are you sure? Oh-- hi, kids.
Are you okay, mr Murphy? I'm wonderful.
Could you do me a favor? Save me from this big bad baby! Uh-- hey there, brax It's okay.
I'm here for you.
Dada? Yeah, that's right-- your uh, your dada is here No! No! Dammit, come back here! The book blanky thing! Dada! You sure have gotten gigantic, haven't you? No, Todd! Ah-ah-ah! Ughhh! Easy, easy, easy-- that wasn't so hard.
You gotta learn to chill out.
When you're old enough, I'm gonna introduce you to a beautiful thing called marijuana.
Wow, I wish I had a dad like Todd.
It's like he's some sort of baby whisperer.
See, there you go.
More like a book of pure evil whisperer.
Baby! Mommy's really sorry she yelled at you! You hear that? That's your mommy calling.
She may not be the best mom in the entire world, but you should give her a chance, okay? Okay, go to her.
For me.
ê baby! Ahhhhhhhh! Whoa! It's okay, brax! Everything's okay! Sure he just squashed his mother to death, that's all.
And miss lilly.
It's better if we just say he killed them with kindness.
Give me a break! That big bad baby is a menace to society! He's not bad, Jenny.
He's just misunderstood.
Like me.
I'm gonna miss brax.
Maybe we shouldn't have given him such an evil name.
Yeah Oh that's an interesting debate.
Were we born or were we created? Uh, I'm pretty sure we're born, Hannah.
I watched it happen like yesterday.
I mean, is it nature? Shhh Let them have this one.
Those paramedics sure got here fast.
I always see them parked up the street.
Makes sense.
Do you think it's 'cause of all the kids who like, die here? Probably.
Do we have to wait forever? When he's ready, he'll come to us.
What a loser.
Pure evil loser.
The book changes shape but only sometimes.
Why is that? Maybe it's getting bored doing the same thing all the time.
Does anyone have any real theories? Oh hey, Jenny-- so if you ever decide that you wanna have a kid You know where to go, right? Yeah.
To a sperm bank.
What? Come on.
Admit it, I'm great with kids.
Maybe-- or maybe you just have a weird connection to the book.
So what are you getting at? I dunno Todd, it's like the book treats you differently.
The big bad baby called you dad.
Bailey's monster cock spoke to you.
The homunculous looked like you-- it's a lot of little things, but I think they might add up to something Good news, kids, the baby's been destroyed.
What? Just kidding-- he's been adopted.
By who? The parents prefer to remain anonymous.
All you need to know is he's in a loving environment.
ê googoo, gaga That's a nice soother