Traffic Light (2011) s01e09 Episode Script
Best Man
ADAM (on phone): Wait.
Hold on.
Hold on a second.
(laughing) You gave her a key? What do you mean, you gave her a key? You mean, you gave her a key for, like, a specific purpose, right? Like, walking Carl, or something? Like a temp key? Right? No, no, there's no such thing as a temp key.
(laughs) Yeah, you're right.
No.
Guys, I wanted to give her a key.
This girl is special.
- Wow.
- Wow.
I even gave her a drawer.
- Whoa.
- A drawer? - Yeah.
ADAM: - No way.
I love my drawer.
Well, only the best for you, baby.
Think I could have another one? Two drawers?! Two drawers.
Yeah, right.
Two.
Wow.
That's almost a bureau.
(laughing) I did not think you'd fall so fast, Ethan.
You're now in the Federal Bureau of Being Whipped.
You're in the Whip-ness Protection Program.
(laughing) Hello? Hello? You guys? Hey.
Hummus.
America's favorite finger food.
(groans) Oh, I lost my Band-Aid.
Well, I guess this snack time is over.
Listen, Adam, I need you to focus.
I need you to blast out another article for me this weekend.
"The Bloke Guide to the Ultimate Bachelor Party.
" Bachelor party? We do that, like, every third issue.
Yeah, but this one, we're going to crunk it in the keister.
You're going to go all gonzo on it, okay? You're going to embed yourself.
Pick one of your dumbass, flunky friends, make him the bachelor, and then get all perverted with it.
Make sure I'm on the guest list.
Okay.
I see.
Kev, is this article inspired by the fact that you don't have weekend plans? (laughs) No! I have weekend plans.
I'm getting brain damage at your friend's bachelor party.
All right.
I'm going to be honest with you.
Kev's going through a bit of a dry spell right now.
I don't know what it is.
I got night sweats.
I can't stop crying.
My teeth are always bloody.
Look, I need you to do this for me.
Sure.
Fine.
Awesome! Whoo! Bachelor party! "B" is for "bachelor.
" What are you Oh you shouldn't WOMAN: - Ow.
- Ooh.
Sorry, Denise.
What's going on, man? Nice throw, Adam.
Lisa, Reggie, great job with this.
We're going with your idea for the account.
- Whoa! - Great.
Thank you.
That's fantastic.
Well, I got to tell you, it's always a pleasure working with Lisa.
Well, that's good 'cause I love teamwork.
You know, when we sit down, you can really you can really feel the creative juices flowing.
Right.
I mean, when we get to it, you got to watch out, (chuckles) 'cause there's an eruption, and it just keeps coming.
Whoa.
Yeah, it's good.
Well that's great.
Let's put this on the fast track.
I want to crew you up, send you down to Hondo Falls for the weekend, and shoot it.
- Get out of town! - Yeah.
- Literally.
- Wow.
- Ha.
- A weekend together.
- That's fantastic.
- That's fantastic.
A weekend.
- Lis.
- Yeah? We creamed it.
(chuckles): Yeah.
We're the cream team! Wow.
(chuckling) This is terrific.
An article about bachelor parties? Kev is totally wasting your talent.
Thank you.
Besides, you're not exactly the guy I'd call to throw a rager.
Whoa.
Whoa.
I can throw a rager.
All right? I totally rage.
I just keep my rage in the cage for professional reasons.
Adam, I heard how you killed Mike's bachelor party.
That was a special circumstance, and I'm glad you brought up Mike's bachelor party, which was a special circumstance.
Yeah, you just said that.
Because I'm going to make Mike the bachelor.
I'm going to re-do his party.
Because you ruined his last one? A special circumstance.
All right, Michael.
Here we go.
(men cheering) To the last night of freedom.
(all cheering) Are you boys ready for a dance? I'm ready, baby.
Oh, that accent.
Uh, Russian? Croatian.
Oh Were you affected by the genocide? Oh, my God.
(sobbing) MIKE: Dude.
Really? Oh, sweetie, even I know not to talk to strippers.
I had three beers.
And you're a humanitarian.
Thanks.
MIKE: Dude, you don't have to re-do my bachelor party.
Mike, come on.
I was your best man, and I let you down.
I'm going to make it up to you.
- You know, don't do that.
- Come on.
Guys, I learned my lesson.
I know the rules.
I'm going to throw you the best make-up bachelor party of all time.
Are you down with that? I said, are you down with that? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- What? Yeah.
- All right! - Yeah, all right.
It is going to be insane.
Oh, insane.
Insane.
Yeah.
Speaking of insane, I'm going to give the ladies some of these stuffed mushrooms that I created.
It's going to blow their minds.
(chuckles) Those look good.
- They look insane.
- Those are insane.
- Insane.
- Love you guys.
I knew this day would come.
I guess we've got to tell him.
No, we aren't going to tell him.
Yes.
Because, you know, now would be the time.
No, five years ago would be the time.
Right now, we just act like it's the best idea we ever heard.
Fine.
You're the bachelor again.
You're right.
You know what? I am.
Besides, look, it's Adam throwing the party.
It's not like it's going to get out of ndnd.
It's going to be the three of us.
We're just going to hang out, have some beers.
It's fine.
We're just going to have to clear it with the tower.
"Clear it with the tower.
" What do you mean? If it's a bachelor party, we have to ask for permission.
You have to ask for permission.
Oh, my God.
That's what comes with the drawer and the key, and What's wrong with you? No, I would love to shoot the campaign for you.
- Awesome.
- Thank you for thinking of me.
With you there, it will be so much easier to deal with this guy Reggie.
Everything that he says has this weird sexual undertone.
I don't know if he's hitting on me, or But you're going to be a great buffer.
Aaand a great photographer.
Oh, yeah.
Goes without saying.
Kind of did go without saying.
(Gasps) - Oh - I'm so mean.
(both laughing) Hey, sweetie.
Um, Adam has this thing Yeah, Callie told me all about it.
The bachelor party do-over? Do what you want.
I trust you completely.
Just remember, you feed Tommy on that lap.
- Yes, I do.
- Ew.
I love you, baby.
Let me get you another refill.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh.
Dude, that wasn't hard at all.
You don't get it.
That's ten years in, son.
That is some That is some serious, deep, kung fu, "use her own weight to throw her on the mat" kind of magic.
You're going to have to use a different tack.
I got one for you.
Michael, I know you think you've got this relationship stuff wired, but honestly, it's just about simple human communication.
So I told Alexa about our evening.
MIKE (on phone): And? - Little wrinkle.
ADAM: - Little wrinkle? What's the little wrinkle? I would love to come! All right.
- You're an idiot! - Idiot! Guys, I'm sorry.
- I freaked out! - Well, uninvite her.
'Cause you're going to ruin my fake bachelor party.
Yeah, which is gonna rage.
Ethan, a bachelor party is like a fort.
MIKE: Are girls allowed in the fort? No.
No, they are not.
Case study: The Little Rascals.
Boom.
The Little Rascals is essentially the greatest bachelor party ever.
ADAM: - Totally.
- What? I mean, these guys are skipping school, they're going fishing.
They're having soap box derbies.
All is good.
And then Darla shows up.
And then they lose their minds, Ethan.
Boom.
Aneurysm.
(barks) MIKE: Spanky becomes a zombie.
Buckwheat becomes a zombie.
Froggy's a zombie.
Even Petey's a zombie.
He's a dog zombie.
MIKE: There's zombies all around.
No more Little Rascals.
It's The Little Zombies now.
Exactly! Oh, my God.
That's terrible! Who are these little rascals, exactly? ADAM: Ah (Mike sighs) That whole analogy was wasted on you.
All righty.
I am off for my night of debauchery.
All right, baby.
You three gross it up real nice.
We will.
Thank you.
Actually, it's not just three of us anymore.
I'm gong to go pick up Mike's boss right now.
Great.
See? You got a posse.
Can't get crazy without the posse.
I wish I could tell you I could keep these guys under control, but once I pack them into my car, things could get out of hand.
You baby? Baby? Your- your car is the party wagon? Oh.
Good point.
Party wagon! I am the king of nasty boogaloo.
(bottle clatter) Whoa.
Adam! Hey.
How you doing? I'm okay.
Okay.
So No, I'm not.
I'm actually not.
Uh, look, I know things have been really weird between the two of us, ever since I invited myself over to your friend's "B" and "B" and "Q.
" No.
I don't think so.
You know, we haven't even seen each other since then, so it's, uh It's been tense, fractured.
Tad.
Adam.
Tadam.
It's not copasetic.
Do you know what that means? It was, uh Did you just say "Tadam"? Yeah.
Yes, I did.
That's just something I've been writing in my binder.
Let's just ring this up.
And then, uh, we are good.
Really? We're good? We're good.
(laughs) You do not know how good that makes me feel, bud.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
Tadam's back.
Hey, where the heck is this party going down? Let's get crazy.
I'll grab some cookies.
We'll do this.
Tadam! We're undeniable! That's alcohol.
Yeah, man.
Whoo! So, I'm going to go.
And you're cool with being uninvited? All right.
I was going to go for a second.
I'm going to leave.
So Alexa said she was totally cool not coming, but she didn't really seem cool.
Hmm.
That's called manipulation.
Congratulations.
You're a grown-up now.
Do you think if I text her, she'll text me right back? I shouldn't text her.
I'm gonna text her.
- What has happened to you? - What's happened to you? - You turned into like a lil schoolgirl! - You're like a schoolgirl.
Party people in da house! Whoa.
That's my boss.
Hey.
You brought the whole crew.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're referring to my posse? Because I don't go anyerere without them.
Isn't that right, posse? Hey, you know, I find that whole co-opting of gang speak - vaguely racist.
- Oh.
Oh.
No.
No, no, no.
I'm really sorry.
I'm just yanking your chain, homie.
Oh.
Yanking (laughing) Now, if you can make sure I get one of them purple drinks in this hizzie, I won't have to corpse your bitch white ass.
Oh I don't even know what I just said.
Hey! (all laughing) - You know what I'm saying? - Wow.
Here we go to Mike! - Mike.
- The big guy.
- All right.
- Cheers.
.
.
Boom goes the dynamite.
(clears throat) One more, please.
Really? Buddy, slow down there.
It's still early.
In your dreams, Miguelita.
TAD: Miguelita.
That means "little Mike," the feminine version of it.
Yes.
Who's the Spanish professor here? That's, uh, Tad from the convenience store.
- Tad? - Hey, I get it.
It's always awkward when two friends of a friend meet each other.
You know, neither's sure who's the better friend.
It's not really awkward for me.
Oh, okay, tough guy.
How about now, huh? We're playing, uh, best friend chicken.
Yep, that's a lot more awkward.
That's what I thought.
Round one goes to Tad.
(laughing) - Wow.
- Yeah, but he did win that one.
REGGIE: Mm.
Callie.
Your portfolio's incredible.
- Wow, thank you.
- Yeah.
I mean, what you're doing here with the rainy streets and the reflection in the puddles really diggin' on it.
You know, real neo-noir type stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's totally what I was doing.
I'm hard-pressed to find words.
Mmm Alright.
Got to stop and pay it up.
REGGIE: Mmm.
Yeah, oh, man.
Mmm.
This portfolio's really getting my juices flowing.
You know what? I need some beef jerky.
Beef time, right? Yeah? You guys in? - Beefy J? - I'm good.
Callie, beefy J? - No, thank you.
- No? - You guys don't want to hop on the beef train? - No.
- Thank you.
That's sweet.
- All right.
I'm gonna ride the beef train solo, then.
Choo-choo.
I'm on the beef train.
.
Seriously.
I don't know what you're talking about.
He seems fine.
Oh, come on.
Okay, I think you're just blinded by the fact that he likes your portfolio.
Maybe.
But, come on, he also - He offered us some beefy J.
- Exactly! Beefy J's? No one says that.
All right, I know what you guys said.
But sometimes no doesn't always mean no.
That's a date-rape joke.
B.
J.
time.
Ooh.
- Wow.
- I'm good, thanks.
- Come on, put it in your mouth.
- I'm really fine.
Put it in your mouth.
I-I'm a vegetarian.
Maybe, then you want to jerk my turkey.
(laughing) (fake laughing) Oh, that's teriyaki? REGGIE: There you go.
(several chanting): Inflate! Inflate! Inflate! Mike, you know what, Adam's doing a pretty good job.
- He gets an "A" for effort.
- Yeah, he is raging.
You think we, uh, made a mistake back when No, we did not.
We will not speak of that night again.
Okay.
Boom! You all ready to blow this town up, or what! (laughs) Hey! Hey, dead man walking, right, Mark? Mike.
- Whatever, jerk.
- So we're about to go to the Naughty Ladies Club after this.
Naughty Ladies Club sucks, bro.
Not enough tarts up in there.
(phone ringing) Ooh.
Stand by.
I think this is the woman I hired that we can all eat sushi off of.
Konichiwa.
It's my sitter.
Oh, I got to get some ibuprofen Tommy's teething.
Look, guys, I'm gonna have to swing by my house real quick.
Yeah, don't worry about this guy I'm gonna bird-dog him, make sure he doesn't get too tired and wuss out on this bachelor paradise.
We're gonna catch up with you, all right? Yeah, I'm gonna ride shotgun, give me a chance to get some air.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Okay, yeah, we're just gonna take this with us.
Thank you.
Uh You ever worked in sales, Tad? Why, are you a cop? Come on, Mike, let's go.
You're missing everything.
Look, they broke into a petting zoo already.
- I see.
- What we need is a mascot, like, uh, Mike's first bachelor party.
Right.
Petey, the lawn pelican.
We swiped him from his grandparents' house.
Yeah, Petey.
You know, Mike never throws anything away.
I'll bet it's in his garage somewhere.
(phone rings) Ooh.
Okay, just give him one of these if he wakes up, all right? - Mike! - Yep? I got a smiley-faced emoticon - from Alexa.
- Mm, that's not necessarily a good thing.
- But it's smiling.
- Yeah, but it could be sincere, could be ironic, but it could be a trap.
All right, that's it, I'm calling her.
You sure you want to do that? When are you gonna stop judging me? - God, you're a mess.
- You're the mess.
Ah, look what I got.
Good old Petey, the drunkest pelican in the world.
What the hell are you doing? What else is in here? Oh, look at that.
Bachelor party T-shirts, huh? I don't remember making - any of these.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- He's got my T-shirt.
- What? Oh, my ADAM: Wait a second, this is the wrong date this is the night before your wedding.
Didn't you have a quiet night with Lisa the night before? That's not my shirt.
I'm I don't really know - whose shirt that is.
- Wait a second.
Look at all these pictures of you wearing the shirts with a bunch of strippers I've never seen before.
Tell him.
I'm not gonna tell him.
Tell him.
- I am not telling him.
- Tell him.
I'm not gonna tell him.
We had a second bachelor party that you weren't invited to.
What? REGGIE: You know what I think this weekend should be about? Creativity.
Just total freedom.
Okay.
Yeah, that's fine.
REGGIE: Right? I say we get to the hotel, we leave our cells in the car, we crack open a bottle of vino, and we just let the juices begin to flow.
Just bang this thing out all night long.
Okay, watch it there.
You know? Just a real free-for-all, where my juices combine with your juices, your juices combine with my juices, each of your juices are combined together into a reservoir of juice.
- Okay, Callie, what did I tell you? - We are soaked by the end of the evening.
- You're absolutely right he is out of control.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me? - You really don't know? My juices, your juices.
- Yes? - Beefy J's? - Yes, beefy J's.
- It's inappropriate! Dude, all the juice talk.
You know, whatever little, like, sex party.
- What?! - you think is gonna happen "What?" It's not.
- Sex party? - "Sex party?" - It's not.
- No.
Oh, my God! - What? - Oh, come on, man.
Oh, don't play coy.
- It's just pathetic.
- You know what you're doing.
I-I've obviously miscommunicated in some way.
I mean, I I'm just trying to keep things young and fun here.
I mean, do you know why I was let go from Haskell and Timmons? Because they said I was too stodgy.
They said I wasn't hip enough to write copy for ladies' jeans.
That's he's right.
That's I-I heard that.
I'm sorry.
Okay, yeah, well, so I finally get the opportunity to work on, like, a hip, happening sports drink, you know, with, like, cool, creative people, and I get diminished, once again, by the mean girls.
Okay, - I'm s I'm sorry.
- Look, Reggie, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
I misunderstood.
Well, you know what you did.
You spanked me, with your words.
And you spanked me.
And the two of you bent me over each of your knees and you pulled down my pants and you just spanked me.
Okay, Reggie.
You have a problem.
It's your words.
All right, I'm unclear.
There's obviously been a misunderstanding.
Mike, just tell me the truth.
Okay.
Remember when you sort of extinguished my first bachelor party? First of all, I didn't extinguish your first bachelor party, I merely had a conveversation with a stripper about a genocide.
Go on.
Well, uh, you know, a bunch of the guys, we got together and decided to do it again.
Oh, just decided to have a secret, second bachelor party without inviting your best man.
To be fair, I wanted to tell you about it two days ago.
(doorbell rings) Oh, we're just selling each other out now, is that what we're doing? Two days ago is better than today! Oh, please, you just threw me under the bus He's in here! Hey! The bachelor left the party, so we brought the party to the bachelor, right, Mark? Mike.
Who are these people? Kev's parties are like snowballs the longer they roll, the bigger they get.
I'm gonna go and try Alexa again.
There's no party here! Come on, Adam, help me out.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mike, I thought this was, like, your thing.
So I'm gonna officially retire as your best man.
Good luck with this, buddy.
Hey! No, no, no, no! Do you even see the pain there? All that man does is give.
Mark, I'm disappointed.
How could you? Oh, this is bad.
Adam! This is so bad.
Gentlemen, those are my son's sippy cups.
Party's over.
Thanks, guys.
Adam, come on! Where are you? Wha What are you still doing here? No, no, you you should not be seeing this.
Here, just, uh, you know what, just take it all.
It's it's good.
(phone ringing) Oh! Hey, baby! Hey, honey, Reggie had some kind of breakdown.
We had nothing to do with it.
Wow.
His wife came and picked him up.
- He's gonna be fine.
- Anyway, the shoot's off, and we're gonna be home in, like, a half an hour.
Oh, maybe 45 with traffic.
Can I have this conversation, please? - Okay.
- All right.
I love you.
I love you.
(laughs) Callie.
- Oh - Mike, good news.
Alexa texted me, very brief and very cryptic, so I texted her back saying where we were and I hope we can work it out.
That's a strong move, right? I don't care.
Lisa is gonna be home in 30 minutes! She trusted me! If she sees this, - she's gonna go nuts! - Right, yeah, 'cause this has kind of spiraled out of control.
You think? It's not even the initial lie.
You know? It's the five years of cover-up that followed.
Dude, that totally sucks.
And it's something that I would never do as your best friend if I was your best friend.
(whispers): Oh, God.
- Hi.
- Hey.
What's going on? Okay, a lot of bad stuff that I wasn't a part of organizing.
I'm merely an onlooker.
I mean, in the sense that I wasn't looking at anything.
Anything else you want to say? Yes.
Lots of guys were getting lap dances, but I did not get a lap dance, because I did not feel the need, because although my lap was here, my heart was elsewhere.
Come here.
(laughing) Also, uh, I got a lap dance.
There you are.
What, are you gonna break his heart again? Look, Lisa's gonna be home any second now.
I don't got time for some big apology.
The night before my wedding, we went out and we redid my bachelor party, and I didn't invite you because some of the guys thought that you were a bit of a buzz kill.
Wow, that's a good apology.
The truth is, they're kind of right.
I mean, you can be a bit of a buzz kill.
Because you're a good guy and you care about people and you're sane and you're rational.
That's why you're my best friend, and that's why I picked you to be my best man.
Yeah, but the best man is supposed to be the guy who throws - the killer bachelor party.
- Who cares?! You you know when you were great? On my wedding day, when you had the rings and you had my vows in your pocket 'cause you knew I might forget 'em.
You weren't feeling well, you know, you had the flu and - You didn't have the flu.
- No I was hung over 'cause I was out all night at a pretty amazing party, which I unfairly excluded you from.
But look.
you were my best man then, you're my best man now.
And if you get married someday and you don't choose me to be your best man I'm gonna be really pissed.
(whispers): Go to him.
Come here.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna throw you the most incredible bachelor party you could possibly imagine.
But right now, I need you to do what you do best I need you to go out there, I need you to suck the life out of this mess, like only you know how.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna do it.
- Thank you.
(exhales) Excuse me, sweetie, can I just grab that from you here? Everybody, listen up.
(electronic feedback) Pay attention.
Hey, hey, what's going on? What accent is that? Haitian.
Jackpot.
Earthquakes, famine, cholera.
Your thoughts? Oh, Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev.
Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev.
Listen, buddy, I'm gonna be your conscience on this one, all right? I'm gonna take $200 out of your wallet, I'm gonna give it to Mark here, okay? Consider that the idiot tax.
- Who is Mark? - Exactly.
Have a good night there, idiot.
By the way, this diaper works great.
Okay.
Ooh! We got to clean this place up, like, now.
Well, we've cleaned worse faster.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah.
LISA: I just wanted, you know, to say good night.
- What is that doing there? - Oh, yeah.
He, uh, missed his mom.
MIKE: Not Adam's best idea, I got to say.
CALLIE: Well, at least our ride home rocks.
ADAM: Wait a second.
Who says we got to go home, right? I got this thing till 6:00 a.
m.
Shall we rage? Let's rage.
- Tadam! - Tadam! - We're undeniable! - Whoo!
Hold on.
Hold on a second.
(laughing) You gave her a key? What do you mean, you gave her a key? You mean, you gave her a key for, like, a specific purpose, right? Like, walking Carl, or something? Like a temp key? Right? No, no, there's no such thing as a temp key.
(laughs) Yeah, you're right.
No.
Guys, I wanted to give her a key.
This girl is special.
- Wow.
- Wow.
I even gave her a drawer.
- Whoa.
- A drawer? - Yeah.
ADAM: - No way.
I love my drawer.
Well, only the best for you, baby.
Think I could have another one? Two drawers?! Two drawers.
Yeah, right.
Two.
Wow.
That's almost a bureau.
(laughing) I did not think you'd fall so fast, Ethan.
You're now in the Federal Bureau of Being Whipped.
You're in the Whip-ness Protection Program.
(laughing) Hello? Hello? You guys? Hey.
Hummus.
America's favorite finger food.
(groans) Oh, I lost my Band-Aid.
Well, I guess this snack time is over.
Listen, Adam, I need you to focus.
I need you to blast out another article for me this weekend.
"The Bloke Guide to the Ultimate Bachelor Party.
" Bachelor party? We do that, like, every third issue.
Yeah, but this one, we're going to crunk it in the keister.
You're going to go all gonzo on it, okay? You're going to embed yourself.
Pick one of your dumbass, flunky friends, make him the bachelor, and then get all perverted with it.
Make sure I'm on the guest list.
Okay.
I see.
Kev, is this article inspired by the fact that you don't have weekend plans? (laughs) No! I have weekend plans.
I'm getting brain damage at your friend's bachelor party.
All right.
I'm going to be honest with you.
Kev's going through a bit of a dry spell right now.
I don't know what it is.
I got night sweats.
I can't stop crying.
My teeth are always bloody.
Look, I need you to do this for me.
Sure.
Fine.
Awesome! Whoo! Bachelor party! "B" is for "bachelor.
" What are you Oh you shouldn't WOMAN: - Ow.
- Ooh.
Sorry, Denise.
What's going on, man? Nice throw, Adam.
Lisa, Reggie, great job with this.
We're going with your idea for the account.
- Whoa! - Great.
Thank you.
That's fantastic.
Well, I got to tell you, it's always a pleasure working with Lisa.
Well, that's good 'cause I love teamwork.
You know, when we sit down, you can really you can really feel the creative juices flowing.
Right.
I mean, when we get to it, you got to watch out, (chuckles) 'cause there's an eruption, and it just keeps coming.
Whoa.
Yeah, it's good.
Well that's great.
Let's put this on the fast track.
I want to crew you up, send you down to Hondo Falls for the weekend, and shoot it.
- Get out of town! - Yeah.
- Literally.
- Wow.
- Ha.
- A weekend together.
- That's fantastic.
- That's fantastic.
A weekend.
- Lis.
- Yeah? We creamed it.
(chuckles): Yeah.
We're the cream team! Wow.
(chuckling) This is terrific.
An article about bachelor parties? Kev is totally wasting your talent.
Thank you.
Besides, you're not exactly the guy I'd call to throw a rager.
Whoa.
Whoa.
I can throw a rager.
All right? I totally rage.
I just keep my rage in the cage for professional reasons.
Adam, I heard how you killed Mike's bachelor party.
That was a special circumstance, and I'm glad you brought up Mike's bachelor party, which was a special circumstance.
Yeah, you just said that.
Because I'm going to make Mike the bachelor.
I'm going to re-do his party.
Because you ruined his last one? A special circumstance.
All right, Michael.
Here we go.
(men cheering) To the last night of freedom.
(all cheering) Are you boys ready for a dance? I'm ready, baby.
Oh, that accent.
Uh, Russian? Croatian.
Oh Were you affected by the genocide? Oh, my God.
(sobbing) MIKE: Dude.
Really? Oh, sweetie, even I know not to talk to strippers.
I had three beers.
And you're a humanitarian.
Thanks.
MIKE: Dude, you don't have to re-do my bachelor party.
Mike, come on.
I was your best man, and I let you down.
I'm going to make it up to you.
- You know, don't do that.
- Come on.
Guys, I learned my lesson.
I know the rules.
I'm going to throw you the best make-up bachelor party of all time.
Are you down with that? I said, are you down with that? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- What? Yeah.
- All right! - Yeah, all right.
It is going to be insane.
Oh, insane.
Insane.
Yeah.
Speaking of insane, I'm going to give the ladies some of these stuffed mushrooms that I created.
It's going to blow their minds.
(chuckles) Those look good.
- They look insane.
- Those are insane.
- Insane.
- Love you guys.
I knew this day would come.
I guess we've got to tell him.
No, we aren't going to tell him.
Yes.
Because, you know, now would be the time.
No, five years ago would be the time.
Right now, we just act like it's the best idea we ever heard.
Fine.
You're the bachelor again.
You're right.
You know what? I am.
Besides, look, it's Adam throwing the party.
It's not like it's going to get out of ndnd.
It's going to be the three of us.
We're just going to hang out, have some beers.
It's fine.
We're just going to have to clear it with the tower.
"Clear it with the tower.
" What do you mean? If it's a bachelor party, we have to ask for permission.
You have to ask for permission.
Oh, my God.
That's what comes with the drawer and the key, and What's wrong with you? No, I would love to shoot the campaign for you.
- Awesome.
- Thank you for thinking of me.
With you there, it will be so much easier to deal with this guy Reggie.
Everything that he says has this weird sexual undertone.
I don't know if he's hitting on me, or But you're going to be a great buffer.
Aaand a great photographer.
Oh, yeah.
Goes without saying.
Kind of did go without saying.
(Gasps) - Oh - I'm so mean.
(both laughing) Hey, sweetie.
Um, Adam has this thing Yeah, Callie told me all about it.
The bachelor party do-over? Do what you want.
I trust you completely.
Just remember, you feed Tommy on that lap.
- Yes, I do.
- Ew.
I love you, baby.
Let me get you another refill.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh.
Dude, that wasn't hard at all.
You don't get it.
That's ten years in, son.
That is some That is some serious, deep, kung fu, "use her own weight to throw her on the mat" kind of magic.
You're going to have to use a different tack.
I got one for you.
Michael, I know you think you've got this relationship stuff wired, but honestly, it's just about simple human communication.
So I told Alexa about our evening.
MIKE (on phone): And? - Little wrinkle.
ADAM: - Little wrinkle? What's the little wrinkle? I would love to come! All right.
- You're an idiot! - Idiot! Guys, I'm sorry.
- I freaked out! - Well, uninvite her.
'Cause you're going to ruin my fake bachelor party.
Yeah, which is gonna rage.
Ethan, a bachelor party is like a fort.
MIKE: Are girls allowed in the fort? No.
No, they are not.
Case study: The Little Rascals.
Boom.
The Little Rascals is essentially the greatest bachelor party ever.
ADAM: - Totally.
- What? I mean, these guys are skipping school, they're going fishing.
They're having soap box derbies.
All is good.
And then Darla shows up.
And then they lose their minds, Ethan.
Boom.
Aneurysm.
(barks) MIKE: Spanky becomes a zombie.
Buckwheat becomes a zombie.
Froggy's a zombie.
Even Petey's a zombie.
He's a dog zombie.
MIKE: There's zombies all around.
No more Little Rascals.
It's The Little Zombies now.
Exactly! Oh, my God.
That's terrible! Who are these little rascals, exactly? ADAM: Ah (Mike sighs) That whole analogy was wasted on you.
All righty.
I am off for my night of debauchery.
All right, baby.
You three gross it up real nice.
We will.
Thank you.
Actually, it's not just three of us anymore.
I'm gong to go pick up Mike's boss right now.
Great.
See? You got a posse.
Can't get crazy without the posse.
I wish I could tell you I could keep these guys under control, but once I pack them into my car, things could get out of hand.
You baby? Baby? Your- your car is the party wagon? Oh.
Good point.
Party wagon! I am the king of nasty boogaloo.
(bottle clatter) Whoa.
Adam! Hey.
How you doing? I'm okay.
Okay.
So No, I'm not.
I'm actually not.
Uh, look, I know things have been really weird between the two of us, ever since I invited myself over to your friend's "B" and "B" and "Q.
" No.
I don't think so.
You know, we haven't even seen each other since then, so it's, uh It's been tense, fractured.
Tad.
Adam.
Tadam.
It's not copasetic.
Do you know what that means? It was, uh Did you just say "Tadam"? Yeah.
Yes, I did.
That's just something I've been writing in my binder.
Let's just ring this up.
And then, uh, we are good.
Really? We're good? We're good.
(laughs) You do not know how good that makes me feel, bud.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
Tadam's back.
Hey, where the heck is this party going down? Let's get crazy.
I'll grab some cookies.
We'll do this.
Tadam! We're undeniable! That's alcohol.
Yeah, man.
Whoo! So, I'm going to go.
And you're cool with being uninvited? All right.
I was going to go for a second.
I'm going to leave.
So Alexa said she was totally cool not coming, but she didn't really seem cool.
Hmm.
That's called manipulation.
Congratulations.
You're a grown-up now.
Do you think if I text her, she'll text me right back? I shouldn't text her.
I'm gonna text her.
- What has happened to you? - What's happened to you? - You turned into like a lil schoolgirl! - You're like a schoolgirl.
Party people in da house! Whoa.
That's my boss.
Hey.
You brought the whole crew.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're referring to my posse? Because I don't go anyerere without them.
Isn't that right, posse? Hey, you know, I find that whole co-opting of gang speak - vaguely racist.
- Oh.
Oh.
No.
No, no, no.
I'm really sorry.
I'm just yanking your chain, homie.
Oh.
Yanking (laughing) Now, if you can make sure I get one of them purple drinks in this hizzie, I won't have to corpse your bitch white ass.
Oh I don't even know what I just said.
Hey! (all laughing) - You know what I'm saying? - Wow.
Here we go to Mike! - Mike.
- The big guy.
- All right.
- Cheers.
.
.
Boom goes the dynamite.
(clears throat) One more, please.
Really? Buddy, slow down there.
It's still early.
In your dreams, Miguelita.
TAD: Miguelita.
That means "little Mike," the feminine version of it.
Yes.
Who's the Spanish professor here? That's, uh, Tad from the convenience store.
- Tad? - Hey, I get it.
It's always awkward when two friends of a friend meet each other.
You know, neither's sure who's the better friend.
It's not really awkward for me.
Oh, okay, tough guy.
How about now, huh? We're playing, uh, best friend chicken.
Yep, that's a lot more awkward.
That's what I thought.
Round one goes to Tad.
(laughing) - Wow.
- Yeah, but he did win that one.
REGGIE: Mm.
Callie.
Your portfolio's incredible.
- Wow, thank you.
- Yeah.
I mean, what you're doing here with the rainy streets and the reflection in the puddles really diggin' on it.
You know, real neo-noir type stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's totally what I was doing.
I'm hard-pressed to find words.
Mmm Alright.
Got to stop and pay it up.
REGGIE: Mmm.
Yeah, oh, man.
Mmm.
This portfolio's really getting my juices flowing.
You know what? I need some beef jerky.
Beef time, right? Yeah? You guys in? - Beefy J? - I'm good.
Callie, beefy J? - No, thank you.
- No? - You guys don't want to hop on the beef train? - No.
- Thank you.
That's sweet.
- All right.
I'm gonna ride the beef train solo, then.
Choo-choo.
I'm on the beef train.
.
Seriously.
I don't know what you're talking about.
He seems fine.
Oh, come on.
Okay, I think you're just blinded by the fact that he likes your portfolio.
Maybe.
But, come on, he also - He offered us some beefy J.
- Exactly! Beefy J's? No one says that.
All right, I know what you guys said.
But sometimes no doesn't always mean no.
That's a date-rape joke.
B.
J.
time.
Ooh.
- Wow.
- I'm good, thanks.
- Come on, put it in your mouth.
- I'm really fine.
Put it in your mouth.
I-I'm a vegetarian.
Maybe, then you want to jerk my turkey.
(laughing) (fake laughing) Oh, that's teriyaki? REGGIE: There you go.
(several chanting): Inflate! Inflate! Inflate! Mike, you know what, Adam's doing a pretty good job.
- He gets an "A" for effort.
- Yeah, he is raging.
You think we, uh, made a mistake back when No, we did not.
We will not speak of that night again.
Okay.
Boom! You all ready to blow this town up, or what! (laughs) Hey! Hey, dead man walking, right, Mark? Mike.
- Whatever, jerk.
- So we're about to go to the Naughty Ladies Club after this.
Naughty Ladies Club sucks, bro.
Not enough tarts up in there.
(phone ringing) Ooh.
Stand by.
I think this is the woman I hired that we can all eat sushi off of.
Konichiwa.
It's my sitter.
Oh, I got to get some ibuprofen Tommy's teething.
Look, guys, I'm gonna have to swing by my house real quick.
Yeah, don't worry about this guy I'm gonna bird-dog him, make sure he doesn't get too tired and wuss out on this bachelor paradise.
We're gonna catch up with you, all right? Yeah, I'm gonna ride shotgun, give me a chance to get some air.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Okay, yeah, we're just gonna take this with us.
Thank you.
Uh You ever worked in sales, Tad? Why, are you a cop? Come on, Mike, let's go.
You're missing everything.
Look, they broke into a petting zoo already.
- I see.
- What we need is a mascot, like, uh, Mike's first bachelor party.
Right.
Petey, the lawn pelican.
We swiped him from his grandparents' house.
Yeah, Petey.
You know, Mike never throws anything away.
I'll bet it's in his garage somewhere.
(phone rings) Ooh.
Okay, just give him one of these if he wakes up, all right? - Mike! - Yep? I got a smiley-faced emoticon - from Alexa.
- Mm, that's not necessarily a good thing.
- But it's smiling.
- Yeah, but it could be sincere, could be ironic, but it could be a trap.
All right, that's it, I'm calling her.
You sure you want to do that? When are you gonna stop judging me? - God, you're a mess.
- You're the mess.
Ah, look what I got.
Good old Petey, the drunkest pelican in the world.
What the hell are you doing? What else is in here? Oh, look at that.
Bachelor party T-shirts, huh? I don't remember making - any of these.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- He's got my T-shirt.
- What? Oh, my ADAM: Wait a second, this is the wrong date this is the night before your wedding.
Didn't you have a quiet night with Lisa the night before? That's not my shirt.
I'm I don't really know - whose shirt that is.
- Wait a second.
Look at all these pictures of you wearing the shirts with a bunch of strippers I've never seen before.
Tell him.
I'm not gonna tell him.
Tell him.
- I am not telling him.
- Tell him.
I'm not gonna tell him.
We had a second bachelor party that you weren't invited to.
What? REGGIE: You know what I think this weekend should be about? Creativity.
Just total freedom.
Okay.
Yeah, that's fine.
REGGIE: Right? I say we get to the hotel, we leave our cells in the car, we crack open a bottle of vino, and we just let the juices begin to flow.
Just bang this thing out all night long.
Okay, watch it there.
You know? Just a real free-for-all, where my juices combine with your juices, your juices combine with my juices, each of your juices are combined together into a reservoir of juice.
- Okay, Callie, what did I tell you? - We are soaked by the end of the evening.
- You're absolutely right he is out of control.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me? - You really don't know? My juices, your juices.
- Yes? - Beefy J's? - Yes, beefy J's.
- It's inappropriate! Dude, all the juice talk.
You know, whatever little, like, sex party.
- What?! - you think is gonna happen "What?" It's not.
- Sex party? - "Sex party?" - It's not.
- No.
Oh, my God! - What? - Oh, come on, man.
Oh, don't play coy.
- It's just pathetic.
- You know what you're doing.
I-I've obviously miscommunicated in some way.
I mean, I I'm just trying to keep things young and fun here.
I mean, do you know why I was let go from Haskell and Timmons? Because they said I was too stodgy.
They said I wasn't hip enough to write copy for ladies' jeans.
That's he's right.
That's I-I heard that.
I'm sorry.
Okay, yeah, well, so I finally get the opportunity to work on, like, a hip, happening sports drink, you know, with, like, cool, creative people, and I get diminished, once again, by the mean girls.
Okay, - I'm s I'm sorry.
- Look, Reggie, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
I misunderstood.
Well, you know what you did.
You spanked me, with your words.
And you spanked me.
And the two of you bent me over each of your knees and you pulled down my pants and you just spanked me.
Okay, Reggie.
You have a problem.
It's your words.
All right, I'm unclear.
There's obviously been a misunderstanding.
Mike, just tell me the truth.
Okay.
Remember when you sort of extinguished my first bachelor party? First of all, I didn't extinguish your first bachelor party, I merely had a conveversation with a stripper about a genocide.
Go on.
Well, uh, you know, a bunch of the guys, we got together and decided to do it again.
Oh, just decided to have a secret, second bachelor party without inviting your best man.
To be fair, I wanted to tell you about it two days ago.
(doorbell rings) Oh, we're just selling each other out now, is that what we're doing? Two days ago is better than today! Oh, please, you just threw me under the bus He's in here! Hey! The bachelor left the party, so we brought the party to the bachelor, right, Mark? Mike.
Who are these people? Kev's parties are like snowballs the longer they roll, the bigger they get.
I'm gonna go and try Alexa again.
There's no party here! Come on, Adam, help me out.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mike, I thought this was, like, your thing.
So I'm gonna officially retire as your best man.
Good luck with this, buddy.
Hey! No, no, no, no! Do you even see the pain there? All that man does is give.
Mark, I'm disappointed.
How could you? Oh, this is bad.
Adam! This is so bad.
Gentlemen, those are my son's sippy cups.
Party's over.
Thanks, guys.
Adam, come on! Where are you? Wha What are you still doing here? No, no, you you should not be seeing this.
Here, just, uh, you know what, just take it all.
It's it's good.
(phone ringing) Oh! Hey, baby! Hey, honey, Reggie had some kind of breakdown.
We had nothing to do with it.
Wow.
His wife came and picked him up.
- He's gonna be fine.
- Anyway, the shoot's off, and we're gonna be home in, like, a half an hour.
Oh, maybe 45 with traffic.
Can I have this conversation, please? - Okay.
- All right.
I love you.
I love you.
(laughs) Callie.
- Oh - Mike, good news.
Alexa texted me, very brief and very cryptic, so I texted her back saying where we were and I hope we can work it out.
That's a strong move, right? I don't care.
Lisa is gonna be home in 30 minutes! She trusted me! If she sees this, - she's gonna go nuts! - Right, yeah, 'cause this has kind of spiraled out of control.
You think? It's not even the initial lie.
You know? It's the five years of cover-up that followed.
Dude, that totally sucks.
And it's something that I would never do as your best friend if I was your best friend.
(whispers): Oh, God.
- Hi.
- Hey.
What's going on? Okay, a lot of bad stuff that I wasn't a part of organizing.
I'm merely an onlooker.
I mean, in the sense that I wasn't looking at anything.
Anything else you want to say? Yes.
Lots of guys were getting lap dances, but I did not get a lap dance, because I did not feel the need, because although my lap was here, my heart was elsewhere.
Come here.
(laughing) Also, uh, I got a lap dance.
There you are.
What, are you gonna break his heart again? Look, Lisa's gonna be home any second now.
I don't got time for some big apology.
The night before my wedding, we went out and we redid my bachelor party, and I didn't invite you because some of the guys thought that you were a bit of a buzz kill.
Wow, that's a good apology.
The truth is, they're kind of right.
I mean, you can be a bit of a buzz kill.
Because you're a good guy and you care about people and you're sane and you're rational.
That's why you're my best friend, and that's why I picked you to be my best man.
Yeah, but the best man is supposed to be the guy who throws - the killer bachelor party.
- Who cares?! You you know when you were great? On my wedding day, when you had the rings and you had my vows in your pocket 'cause you knew I might forget 'em.
You weren't feeling well, you know, you had the flu and - You didn't have the flu.
- No I was hung over 'cause I was out all night at a pretty amazing party, which I unfairly excluded you from.
But look.
you were my best man then, you're my best man now.
And if you get married someday and you don't choose me to be your best man I'm gonna be really pissed.
(whispers): Go to him.
Come here.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna throw you the most incredible bachelor party you could possibly imagine.
But right now, I need you to do what you do best I need you to go out there, I need you to suck the life out of this mess, like only you know how.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna do it.
- Thank you.
(exhales) Excuse me, sweetie, can I just grab that from you here? Everybody, listen up.
(electronic feedback) Pay attention.
Hey, hey, what's going on? What accent is that? Haitian.
Jackpot.
Earthquakes, famine, cholera.
Your thoughts? Oh, Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev.
Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev.
Listen, buddy, I'm gonna be your conscience on this one, all right? I'm gonna take $200 out of your wallet, I'm gonna give it to Mark here, okay? Consider that the idiot tax.
- Who is Mark? - Exactly.
Have a good night there, idiot.
By the way, this diaper works great.
Okay.
Ooh! We got to clean this place up, like, now.
Well, we've cleaned worse faster.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah.
LISA: I just wanted, you know, to say good night.
- What is that doing there? - Oh, yeah.
He, uh, missed his mom.
MIKE: Not Adam's best idea, I got to say.
CALLIE: Well, at least our ride home rocks.
ADAM: Wait a second.
Who says we got to go home, right? I got this thing till 6:00 a.
m.
Shall we rage? Let's rage.
- Tadam! - Tadam! - We're undeniable! - Whoo!