Undateable (2014) s01e09 Episode Script

Hey, Justin.
Hey, Sabrina.
Oh, you are not wearing pants.
Hello.
You have got to help me.
Danny has gone crazy.
Wow! There you are, woman.
Get away from that sheriff.
Hey, boy, she don't concern you.
You hear me? Shoot him, sheriff! Okay.
Are you guys using me as part of a weird cowboy sexual role play right now? In fact, yes, we are, man, and you know what? You can either get on board with being the sheriff, or after you leave, Sabrina and I can go into your bedroom and do sexual acts that your bobbleheads cannot unsee, so You on board with being the sheriff or not? We don't want no trouble from you, partner.
Yow! All right, now.
Here we go.
Come on.
Okay.
We are going.
You walk like someone who's never had sex.
There's no walk like that.
Yes, there is.
And it's your walk.
Well, I got to get to class, so Hey, babe, come on, put that away.
Uh, I don't ever have to pay for drinks at Justin's bar.
It's kind of a rule.
It's not a rule.
I didn't say it was one you knew about.
Thank you, Justin.
God, grad-school tuition is just killing me.
Remember in college how we used to stay up late dreaming about you being broke and me being divorced? We did it, Sabrina.
Dreams do come true.
Hey, if she needs cash, why doesn't she just work here till Nicki's back in town? No! No! No! No! No! No! No, no, no! All right, look, I'm trying to keep it casual with Sabrina.
All right, I can't do that if she's gonna be hanging around here all the time.
Danny, Sabrina's one of my oldest friends.
Yeah, I know, and I actually kind of wish that she was one of your youngest friends.
I like her a lot.
I'm just worried about me getting too close too fast.
That's all.
Uh-oh.
Did somebody just say "too close too fast"? 'Cause with the ladies, that's kind of my jam.
With Nicki, I can't get close enough fast enough.
Danny, I already got her a Christmas present For next year.
I gave my grandma a coupon book for 10 hugs when I was little.
I still owe that bitch nine hugs.
Look, you guys don't understand, all right? If I'm with a girl and I'm even slightly in the relationship zone, then I just I'll self sabotage, man.
I'll ignore texts, I start dropping hints that I'm sleeping with other women, and then I'll actually sleep with those women.
He's been this way his whole life.
Girl gets too close and he tosses her out like bad milk.
I like my babes like I like my expired milk spoiled and chunky.
Look, I want some sort of peaceful solution.
I've actually never been with a girl this long before.
How long has it been? One month today.
Wow, in Danny time, that's like 10 years.
Uh-oh.
Do I see a little Justin rubbing off on your face? Hey, man.
If you touch my face, I touch your face.
- I touch your face.
- No, I touch your face, then.
- Touch your face.
- I got to do it even.
It's got to be even if I do it.
Enough! Enough.
Enough.
Enough.
Enough.
Look, Sabrina's great.
I'm really proud of you, little bro.
Oh, grandma, I'm gonna give away one of your hugs.
If you're looking down, yes, it's going to a white boy.
Have any of you ever named another man's penis without asking first? I feel like this is a trap.
No, look, I went to the farmers market yesterday, and I met a guy, and we've been texting, and it's got a little bit saucy.
And he named it sight unseen, mind you and it's not great.
How bad could it be? Oh, that's not what you want.
I'm sure I'm overreacting.
It's not a big deal.
I mean, it's a big deal.
You know what I mean.
It doesn't matter.
Yeah, you know what? Don't you dare say that.
I had a friend whose fiancé named it Waldo.
Eh? You know, it's like every time they were hooking up, she was all like, "where's Waldo? Oh, my God.
"Oh, there he is.
Hey, look.
Cute hat," or whatever.
Look, you got to get your name out there first before this one sticks.
Hey, what about you, man? What's Nicki call yours? I feel like that's private, so Come on, baby bird.
Oh, is it baby bird? Oh, it is now.
Baby bird.
Baby bird.
Oh, babe.
Mm! I can't believe you sent me flowers just because we've been together for a month.
Oh.
I am gonna go put these in your room.
Oh, you rock.
You rock.
You rock.
You're like a rockette with your high kicks! What the hell?! Dude, what did you do? I just sent her flowers.
I'm helping you.
You said you didn't want to ruin things.
You've been dating her a month, and as a guy who knows how to treat a woman, this is how we do it.
Dude, I should kick you so hard where your testicles should be.
Hey.
Hey.
I didn't want to be the first one to say something, but since you seem really ready to take things to the next level, I just wanted to let you know that I am so in.
You're in.
I'm in.
You are.
You're in.
- We're in.
- We're both in.
We're both in! Ow! So, I will see you tonight.
We'll go out we and celebrate, okay? - So okay.
So okay.
- Okay.
Hey, man.
Um, so, I don't want to overstate this because I know that, like, you really mean well, but you're everything that's wrong with everything.
Listen, I know you think relationships suck, but let me ask you something, those girls before Sabrina, you know, the ones you kept at arm's length, what happened to them? Um, they all got tired of waiting around for me to be serious and they left me.
Or they moved to Spain and got gored by bulls.
I don't really care.
But you do care about Sabrina.
Yeah.
Louder, please.
- Yeah! - Thank you.
And you want to know why? It's 'cause you like her.
You actually like this girl.
You even told me yourself you've never met a girl that can understand how truly handsome you are.
I don't know.
She just she just gets it, you know? Yeah, see, you're getting it, dude.
Relationships are amazing.
It's like dating but better emotionally and physically.
In fact, there's a sexual position you can only do when you're in a relationship.
Danny Have you ever put your heart inside a woman? What? I mean, I don't know.
Oh, gosh.
I mean, even if I wanted to try and make this work, which I guess I kind of do, it's just like I'm not sure I know how.
It's simple.
Sit down.
Look, you just have to remember one thing.
Listening.
Now, I know listening isn't really your strong suit.
I don't know, man, listening really isn't my strong suit.
If you ever get lost and you're not sure what to say, you can just say the following phrase.
"It sounds like you got a lot on your plate.
" That applies to literally every conversation.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Listen, Danny, you can do this.
You got to go for it.
Doing nothing is just another form of self sabotage.
Wait a minute, are you telling me that my relationship needs to either get busy living or get busy dying, because that line is directly from "The Shawshank Redemption," and that is the best non-computer-animated movie of all time.
Yes! I want you to go full Shawshank on this relationship.
I want you to tunnel out of that emotional prison one spoonful at a time.
- Yeah.
I can imagine, like, Morgan Freeman's voice, like, "That that that's when "Danny Burton opened up his heart, and you know what?" "He opened up his eyes, too.
" Look, I get it.
I like Sabrina, and how about this, man? I can totally try and embrace being in a relationship, okay? Yes.
And I'm gonna tell you something I told every woman I've ever had sex with.
This is gonna be a lot better than you think.
All right, let's rename your penis.
Brought in a baby-naming book.
And we're off to an awful start.
I don't think this says anything about where I am in my life, but I'm 34 and I need to name something.
Come on, Brett.
The best names reflect the personality, so describe him.
I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable going through the intricate details of my So, he's handsome.
Um, he's a bit of a guy's guy.
And, uh, he's quite shy, but has also been known to rise to the occasion.
Why not Barack? He still fills me with hope.
You know, Barack actually works for mine, too, because it's gradually moving a little more to the left, and people only ask for it about once every four years.
All right.
We're not doing clever nicknames.
How about Liam? Finn? Lance? Sounds like you're putting together the world's gayest boy band.
The Buttstreet Boys.
I'm not proud, but I got more.
Be, uh, Nude Kids on the Block.
Boys do Men.
The Jonas Brothers.
That's Sometimes I feel like I'm in competition with the other people in my Master's program, but at the same time, it's like, "same team, guys.
" You know what I mean? - Yeah.
- So, I don't know.
What do you think? Um Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.
You know what? You're right.
I am trying to do too much, I think.
Thank you so much for listening.
Oh.
Thanks for constantly talking.
We should probably be getting to the restaurant, so I am just gonna go touch up real quick.
- Okay.
- Okay? Uh-huh.
See? How great is this? Are you kidding me?! This has been the longest three hours of my life.
You got here 10 minutes ago.
Oh, my God, man.
That means time has stopped.
No, you're freaking out right now, all right? Just calm down.
You sat at this exact same table with her last night.
Yeah, but last night, there were no expectations, okay? Right now, we're just like, "uh, ooh, we're having some drinks, and " Later on, dude, later on we're gonna Go out and get something to eat.
You're just saying normal things in a disgusted tone, all right? Nothing has changed.
Sabrina's not acting any different.
Yeah, I know, man.
That's man, everything's the same.
Huh? That's how smart girls play it, man, huh? Nothing changes.
Nothing at all changes up until the day you get married, and then guess what? Everything's the same.
Danny's having a panic attack! Snap out of it! Hey, man, you touch my face, I'll touch your face.
- I touch your face! - You don't do it like that! I owe you a touch if you touch me like that, man.
Hey.
Let me handle this.
I briefly went to nursing school.
Danny.
You need to do what we medical professionals call calm your ass down.
I don't think I can do this.
I'm not this guy.
Danny.
Where's Danny? Interesting story.
Did you know that Shelly briefly went to nursing school? Why did you quit, buddy? I was asked to.
I started playing God.
Of course Danny didn't ditch you at the bar.
Don't be crazy.
Danny just ran out so he could set up a special evening at the house.
Isn't that right, Danny? Uh Yeah.
Oh.
So, can I take my blindfold off? Uh, no, no, no.
Not not quite yet.
I don't want to I don't want to You're gonna really He's not done arranging things.
I mean, there's wine and rose petals.
Hey man, what the hell are you doing? I'm saving your ass! Wow, Danny, that is a lot of candles.
Start lighting some candles! This is bad! You got to get her out of here! No, this is good.
If you just open yourself up, I'm telling you.
No, man, trust me! This is really, really bad! What's going on? Who is that? Uh, that that was me.
I was doing a girly voice.
What's going on? Oh, my God! This is crazy.
I'm losing it! Okay.
This is getting seriously weird.
I'm taking this off.
No! No! Just Uh, uh, Danny is not ready yet, so you have to wait a minute, Sabrina, please.
This does not feel like a sustainable solution! Justin, get your hand off of my face.
Ow! Wow.
Sabrina, wait.
What? I don't know.
Honestly, I-I didn't expect you to really wait.
Hey, there he is.
You know what? To hell with baby bird.
I'm gonna start calling you Cilantro.
Why Cilantro? Because you ruin everything.
Why did you have to invite Sabrina over, okay? What are you gonna do now to "fix" my relationship? Have a film festival and show all my old sex tapes? Ticket for one, please.
Are you really trying to say that this is my fault? All I know is yesterday, I was happy with Sabrina, all right? And then you pushed me into a relationship, and now it's over.
Oh.
Oh, you were happy just having sex with a beautiful woman, no strings attached? Yeah, that doesn't really help my argument, but I feel like if I keep talking, that eventually, I'm gonna find it, and you're just you know what? The more I live with you, I realize you're just a selfish person who just comes and goes as you please with no responsibilities, and what's gonna end up happening is every girl you have is just gonna leave, and you're gonna spend every night alone.
There we go! Now I'm starting to get my argument! Coming in for the landing! You'll never find love! Is that how you all feel? You'd have to read it back to me.
Brett? Hey, guys, for a penis name, what do you think of Duncan? It's Scottish for "brown warrior.
" Listen, if you had any guts at all, you would try to fix this thing with Sabrina.
But guess what? You won't.
Sorry, Danny.
Justin's right, you're a coward.
Oh, is that what he was saying? 'Cause I agree with that.
Hey, Sabrina, how's it going? Guys, box her in.
Her stare's cold, Danny.
Les, could you help me out? She's your friend.
Sabrina, I warned you about Danny and you said it would never affect our friendship.
And it won't.
Did what I could.
Sabrina, w-wait, okay.
I-I-I really, actually, I have something to say this time.
I'm a coward, you know, and I know that that probably doesn't make much sense to you, because That you purposefully ruin every relationship that could be good for you because you are a sad, pathetic little child? Okay.
Okay, all right, so you get the gist of it.
Um Look, I-I just I want you to know, I-I didn't even kiss that girl, and it was because of you, and I mean, it's It was because you came in, but I don't think I would've done anything.
This is the worst apology ever.
Look, I'm new to this.
I'm new to relationships, okay? I-I'm like a baby, and and just like a baby, if you love it too much, then it could die.
Have you ever met a baby? I mean, technically, you can't ever really meet a baby 'cause a baby can't be all like, "Hi, I'm Steve the baby," or whatever.
Look, I-I don't know how to get close to people, all right? I just I get so crazy and everything gets magnified, even your breathing, it's like How do I breathe? Just in and out over and over again.
It's not your fault.
The point is all this happened because I-I was I was trying to get close to you.
I-I'm trying.
This is me trying, and that's that's that's that's new for me.
I-I Sabrina, let me keep trying.
Look, I really appreciate that, but I'm not about to be anybody's relationship training wheels, okay? You really hurt me.
So, goodbye, Danny.
Ooh.
Uh, well, that sucked.
I'm a mess, huh? No.
No, no, no.
You are not a mess, all right? You put yourself out there.
Which means the next time that you're with a great girl, whether it's Sabrina or somebody else, you'll be ready.
Danny, you're growing up.
I'm proud of you.
I mean, this is probably what Geppetto felt like when Pinocchio became a real boy.
When she when Sabrina left, why did she go in your office and not out the door? All right, don't get mad.
It's just I thought this whole Sabrina thing was gonna go a lot differently, because I'm a romantic and I like to think like that.
And you know that we needed somebody to cover Nicki's waitress shifts.
Baby bird, whoa, whoa.
What did you just do? Well, that one's on the house.
Anybody else need a beer? I'm gonna kill you.
Okay.
So, I've named my penis.
It's a mouthful.
No, it's not it's not it's not a mouthful, it's I'll ju I'll just show it to you.
I'm I'm not gonna show it to you.
Aah! Aww, you went with my suggestion.
Thank you.
Yep.
And it's already spread like wildfire.
How'd you make it happen so fast? I asked a gay man to keep a secret.
Well, now I feel responsible for him.
I-I want to know about his life.
Will you keep me updated? Will you? Will you let me know if he makes any new friends.
Yes.
Of course.
God I'm getting emotional about naming my gay friend's penis.
Maybe time to ask myself some hard questions.
Well I'll tell you what they told me my first day at nursing school.
White girls are crazy.