United States of Al (2021) s01e09 Episode Script

1 Uncle Al, do you know how many days until my birthday? Eight.
You didn't even let me answer.
Do you know how many hours until my birthday? 195.
Why are you asking if you answer so fast? I was born at 3:00 a.
m.
, so that's when I wake up and celebrate.
- You know the hour you were born? - Of course.
I also know I was 19 inches and had an enormous head.
- Hmm.
- You looked like a watermelon with feet.
It's genetic.
Check out this cannonball.
Did you want a piñata this year? Yeah, I want a piñata.
What's a piñata? Uh, it's like a papier-mâché thing you hang in a tree, hit with a bat.
Yes, yes.
And then you set it on fire.
No, that's an effigy.
- Huh.
- A piñata breaks open, and candy comes out.
Ooh, after the candy comes out, can we set it on fire? No.
Mm, you don't have to decide now.
I was thinking it'd be cool if we had a magician.
Sure.
You got one in mind? Freddy does tricks.
Your mother's boyfriend? Yes, he is a trickster who stole her affection.
- I meant magic tricks.
- Hazel, are you sure you want him at your party? Mm.
Never mind.
It was a bad idea.
No.
Hey, it's not a bad idea, baby.
Hey.
I'll be your magician.
- Really? - Mm.
I'm doubtful.
He can make a six-pack disappear.
One time, he vanished from school, then reappeared in a police station.
I'm looking forward to attending.
I've never been to a birthday party.
Oh, you were that kid.
What do you mean, "that kid"? He was that kid.
In Afghanistan, we didn't celebrate birthdays.
In fact, I don't even know when my birthday is.
- What? - What?! My mother said I was born at the beginning of the Civil War.
Well, if that were true, you'd be, like, 150 years old.
Not our Civil War.
Oh.
Well, then, they should call it something else.
So, how old are you? I am 28.
Or 29.
Definitely under 30.
No way.
You don't know how old you are? Yeah.
Most Afghans don't know their exact age.
How do you know when you can buy booze? Oh.
Right, sorry.
So, it's a whole nation of people who can't consult their horoscope? Yeah, that's definitely their biggest problem.
Okay, we can figure this out.
Can we call the hospital you were born in? I was not born in a hospital.
I was born in my grandmother's house.
Home birth.
- Very trendy.
- How about this? I am two years younger than my brother Wahid.
Oh.
Well, how old is he? I don't know.
You have to know your birthday.
- Why? - 'Cause it's important.
- Why? - Stop doing that "why" thing.
You're too old to be doing that "why" thing.
Hazel jaan, I don't understand what the big deal is.
The big deal is birthdays are great.
They make you feel great.
Then every day's my birthday.
You're impossible.
How about this? You can share my birthday.
We'll have a party together.
Thank you.
But I am too old to have a birthday party.
Well, how do you know when you don't know how old you are? I don't know when I was born, but I know it wasn't yesterday.
Hi.
Hey, amigo.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, baby.
Sorry to bother you.
- She forgot her math book.
- Ah.
Oh, good.
Now I can do my homework.
I tagged along because I wanted to meet the Afghan guy.
Ah.
Al, come meet Freddy.
Freddy, Al.
Hello, Fred.
Please, Fred is my father.
Call me Freddy.
I prefer to keep it formal.
Can I talk to you outside for a minute? - Sure.
- Okay.
So, I understand you're something of a trickster.
What's up? I don't appreciate you trying to jam your boyfriend into my daughter's birthday party.
What are you talking about? The magic thing.
That was Hazel's idea.
She asked him.
Yeah, right.
She hates that guy.
No, she doesn't.
She only acts that way when you're around.
Excuse me, but I think I know my own kid.
Excuse me, but I don't think you know your ass from your elbow.
Is this your card? - No.
- It's mine.
Now it's mine.
Amazing! What's going on? Ah, Freddy is just showing us his wonderful magic.
- Mm.
- Ah.
I know a trick I'd like him to do.
Come on, Freddy.
We got to go.
That's the one.
It was really great meeting you.
It was great meeting you, too.
Riley, did you know that Freddy is an immigrant, also? Guilty.
Canada.
- Bye, sweetie.
- Bye, Mom.
Hazel, could you give Uncle Al and me a minute? Sure.
Pick a side, dude.
Riley, of course I'm on your side.
I'm just getting to know the enemy.
Mm.
What is this? "Nice to meet you, Al.
Your amigo, Freddy.
" Oh, my God.
Hazel, check your pockets! Oh! How about a mermaid theme? Don't you think 11's too old for mermaids? Well, my birthday's coming up.
- Uncle Al? - Hmm? It's your birthday, too.
What theme do you want? Uh Ah.
These are on sale.
What about these? "It's a girl"? It's a plate.
You don't understand.
The theme has to tell the people at your party what you're into.
I'm frugal.
That's what I'm into.
Frugal? Really? It's better than mermaids.
Well, you just got uninvited to my party.
- What is this? - Oh.
That's a noisemaker.
You spin it.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Imagine living in a country so peaceful, you purchase a toy to make noise.
You're what's called a party pooper.
Sorry, Hazel! I can't hear you! I'm at a party! I'm at a party, too! - Well, I'm having more fun! - No, - I'm having more fun! - Okay, you two, put those down.
Ah, ah! I mean it.
Can we please go? Not yet.
We have to reserve a bounce house.
What is that? You know what? Instead of explaining, I'm gonna ask you to wait in the car.
Behold, a perfectly normal handkerchief.
It seems very small.
It isn't.
I put it into my hand, and Ta-da! It's gone.
It's in that fake thumb, right? Yeah.
The guy at the store was so convincing.
I was like, "What?!" Don't worry, Riley jaan.
You have skills Freddy could only dream of.
Yeah, like what? You are brave.
You are a leader of men.
You look good with and without hair.
Vanessa said that Hazel invited him to the party.
I don't believe it.
What? Mm.
It is not my place.
Just tell me.
I think she wants him at the party.
No, she doesn't.
She told me.
Riley jaan, sometimes we only hear what we want to hear.
Why would she lie to me? She doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
But I've been so nice to the jerk.
I gave him a fist bump.
I didn't have to, but I did.
And while that was very charitable of you, I don't think you quite sold it.
What am I supposed to do? I hate the guy.
And now Hazel's a fan, and you're a fan.
In my defense, his magic is just enchanting.
He's not coming to the party.
All right.
- You know best.
- I do.
You don't.
I'm sorry? You don't.
I should not have said it quietly.
You need to get it through your head.
Hazel, would you like to play Twelve Goats? I'm gonna need a little more information.
It's what you call checkers.
Oh.
Then no.
Hey, since you're here, let's figure out what kind of cake you guys want for your birthday.
Uh, you choose.
I don't come from a pastry culture.
Then how do you deal with all your feelings? Well, it's your first birthday.
You should have a cake you want.
Hmm.
Um How about one with raisins? That's not a cake.
That's a muffin.
Oh, it's the most wonderful cake.
Sometimes they add pine nuts and cardamom and rosewater.
I'm not hearing the word "chocolate.
" I don't like chocolate.
It is too sweet.
Well, I don't like raisins.
They're too gross.
I thought you wanted me to pick.
I want you to pick something I like, too.
That sounds like you picking.
Do you like vanilla? I like it more than this conversation.
Fine.
- Vanilla cake.
- Deal.
But we add cardamom, pine nuts, rosewater and raisins.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, we're gonna need two cakes.
Hey, don't lift like that.
You'll hurt your back.
Joke's on you.
My back always hurts.
Hey, can I ask you a question? Shoot.
You think Hazel likes Freddy? Let me ask you a question.
Do you think Freddy's going anywhere? - I don't know.
- 'Cause if he's not, you better hope she likes Freddy.
Well, I don't like him.
All right, well, I know you're not gonna want to hear this, but maybe you should try.
Yeah, give me one reason.
'Cause it'll make everyone's life a lot easier, including yours.
Raising a kid can be like a war.
You need all the allies you can get.
When the U.
S.
was ready to get into World War II, Great Britain didn't say "We got this.
" United States wasn't sleeping with Great Britain's wife.
Well, maybe if Great Britain had a hot sister I'm losing the thread here, but the point is, none of this is Freddy's fault, and it's definitely not Hazel's fault.
Well, it totally blows.
Listen to you.
Sound just like Winston Churchill.
How many of these do we need? The tank says it can do 200.
Don't do that.
It's not good for you.
Okay, Mom.
Geez.
200 balloons? This birthday will be like the last scene in a Bollywood movie.
Uh, it's pronounced "Hollywood.
" I know about a billion people who would disagree with you.
So, have you decided who to invite to our party? Hazel, I am a 28 or 29-year-old man.
I would be embarrassed to invite people to a party in honor of myself.
He doesn't have any friends.
Hazel jaan, I am touched that you want to do something special for me.
And I am looking forward to taking part in your big day.
Why can't that be enough? You know what? I have some extra friends.
You could borrow a few.
You want to talk about it? Hey, uh, could we go talk somewhere? I'm working.
If you need to say something, say it in front of Donna.
I'm gonna hear about it when you leave anyway.
Fine.
It's okay with me if Freddy comes to the party.
I'm sorry.
What? He said Freddy can come to the party.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I mean, he's not going anywhere.
Right? He's not.
So what I'm hearing is, nobody knows the future.
Thanks for stopping by.
Sure.
Hey, wait.
One more thing.
I would like him to not call me "amigo.
" I will tell him.
Yeah.
And no military jargon, no fist bumping, definitely no exploding it.
Okay, what else? He can ease up on that whole happy-go-lucky guy routine.
That's who he is, Riley.
He is a happy-go-lucky guy.
Really? Okay, well, tell him to dial it down.
Goodbye, Riley.
Divorce is tough.
Yeah.
But so worth it.
Wow.
What do you think? Not all the letters are colored in, but it looks very nice.
No, it's an "A" and an "L".
Two signs for the price of one.
Well, that's frugal.
I like that.
Happy birthday! Mrs.
Foster, Shawn! Welcome to the party.
Come on in.
Oh, uh, hey, don't tag me in any pictures.
My boss thinks I'm at the orthodontist.
I got you a present.
It's socks.
Thank you, Mrs.
Foster.
Okay, where's the punch for people who aren't driving? - Kitchen.
- Come on, Skippy.
Did you invite them? If you're happy, I invited them to your party.
If you're mad, I invited them to my party.
Very clever.
Have you ever thought about becoming a lawyer? - No.
- Think about it.
Wow! For my next trick, I will need a volunteer.
Ooh, ooh, ooh! I see a young man from Afghanistan! That's me! - What's your name, fella? - Awalmir, but my friends call me "Al.
" All right, Al, I'm gonna draw you something, and you have to guess what it is.
Does that sound like fun? - It could be fun.
- Great.
Okay, what does this look like? - A circle.
- Excellent! But what kind of circle? One drawn on a large piece of paper.
Let me give you a little hint.
Now do you know? A circle with three smaller circles.
Hazel, why don't you tell him what it is? It's a bowling ball! I think she's right! How the hell did that just happen? You are a national treasure.
The bowling ball is yours to keep.
Happy birthday, amigo.
- Let me see it.
- Hmm? For my next trick, I will need a beautiful princess.
There's one.
- Freddy, we talked about this.
- For my next trick, I will need a badass birthday girl.
You doing okay? It's taking every ounce of self-control I have not to stuff him in that hat.
Wow.
Everybody gather 'round.
I would like to read a poem - I wrote for my Uncle Al.
- Oh.
Wait.
Oh.
Okay.
"A man without a birthday is like a man with no name.
"No friends to come over and play, "every day of the year just the same.
"Never a party, a toy, not even a cake.
Just a very sad boy who might be 28.
" "But you no longer have to mourn "Because today you have come to be.
"It's your birthday, you've been born! And your name is Awalmir Karimi.
" Thank you, Hazel.
Happy birthday, Uncle Al.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Hazel and Al Happy birthday to you.
Thank you for doing this.
You're welcome.
Make a wish.
- No, I don't have to.
It is already - No, no, no, no, no.
Don't say it's already come true because you didn't want a party.
Okay.
Hurry up! The candles are melting! I'm thinking! I'm thinking! Okay, got it.
One, two, three.
Did you have that when you got here? Hazel, my mother says when you cut a cake, you should feed the first bite to the person you love most.
Oh, it's full of raisins.
Thanks to you.
- Come on, let's eat.
- Who wants cake? - I would.
- I do.
This is so much fun! I know.
- Hazel? - Yeah.
Shawn told me there are bounce houses with slides.
Can we get one of those next year? I'll be 12.
That's a little old for a bounce house.
Oh, come on.
I'll be 29 or 30.
One of those is a milestone.
I'll think about it.
Hey.
Oh.
You should have told me to bounce before the pizza and birthday cake.