Up All Night (2011) s01e09 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Hey.
How's Amy? I don't know.
Why don't you ask her? - What? - You know what? Just take her.
I just need to not be with her right now.
Okay.
But just look at her.
She's so happy.
What are you talking about? No, it's just it's all an act.
She's playing you, believe me.
Oh, Amy, boo-boo, what did you do to your papa? What did you do? She knows what she did.
Oh, honey, she's a baby.
Yeah, that's what she wants you to think.
Why don't you ask her what happened with the sweet potatoes, huh? Go ahead.
Ask her.
Classic.
Your papa's in a very delicate place right now.
I know.
Don't point and laugh.
Don't point and laugh at him.
I feel so guilty when I get irritated with Amy.
- Oh - It's just But I'm telling you, I'm I'm getting on her nerves too.
I swear that yesterday, I heard her whisper into the baby monitor, "you'll never win.
" You know what? You should take that as a challenge, honey.
I mean, you're taller.
You can walk.
But seriously, you get to be missed by Amy.
- Aw.
- All right? You come home, and her face lights up.
I'm just I'm old news.
You need to have some time off.
When was the last time you played hockey? Oh, God, I don't even remember.
We are gonna get a regular babysitter - so that you can have a break.
- Yeah, that sounds great, but regular babysitters don't exist.
- What are you talking about? - I'm telling you.
It's all weirdoes.
It's all People who get that, like, piercing thing, where they put the disc in their earlobe, and it all stretches out - So? - And that never closes up.
I mean, come on.
You know, you are just too picky.
No, I'm not.
Honey, you wouldn't hire that one woman because she didn't use a Mac.
- It's a different mindset.
- Okay.
You rejected the one guy because he was a guy.
Yeah, I don't want a dude babysitter.
I know that I'm supposed to be okay with it, but come on.
You're a dude, dude.
Oh, honey.
Beth, the story of your to provide for your six hungry children has touched us.
You're an Ava show unsung hero.
And we want to give you A special gift.
You drove our hearts to breaking, and now we want you to turn the ignition on A new life, with this Brand new car! Uh I don't Well, this is a pic Nancy.
I just oh, no.
Yes.
Oh.
I just have one thing to say to you W-t-f-w-t-c-f-t-p-l - Comma n.
- What? Where the [bleep.]
was the car for the poor lady, Nancy? Uh, well, they They dropped off the car, but, you know, you you You asked for green, and it what they dropped off was, like, this olive color, so I told these people I said that's not what we want.
I chewed 'em out.
I need that car back here by today.
Exactly.
I might have burned that bridge.
Please leave my field of vision, Nancy.
I'm so sorry, Ava.
I am so heartfully sorry.
- Really, I'm very sorry - Please.
- It was a total - Just What a ditz.
Yeah, I know, right? Do not worry.
I am going to fire Nancy.
- Yeah? - Yes, of course.
I'm a firing machine, honey.
That's why they call me the ray gun.
You're fired! You used to be the ray gun, but since you've had Amy, you have lost your edge.
Now you've been more like ray "gonna let everything slide.
" What's that supposed to mean? Gracias! For whoever brought the churros.
Ade nada, Barry! You are such a delight! See, like him.
I mean, why is Barry still here? Okay, one thing at a time.
All right? Ava, if you have a problem with Nancy, then I have a problem with Nancy.
- Yes.
- And I - Make problems a-disappear.
- Okay.
Poof, okay? Now you see her, now you don't.
I'm so sorry.
I thought you were I Got this.
Listen, uh, Nancy, I'm just gonna get right down to it, okay? This just isn't working out.
Oh, no.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, we have a very nice severance package for you Oh! Here is the number for human resources, and could you please stop making that noise? - I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
Uh, this is your new beginnings folder.
Inside of it is a glowing reference letter, also a CD of inspirational songs, just to kind of get you on your road to success.
There's some Sarah McLachlan, some feist, and Well, let's not pretend we're too cool some journey.
Okay.
Neither you nor Steve Perry should ever stop believing, Nancy.
So thank you, and I'm so sorry.
- No, don't be sorry.
- Okay.
Please, I know it it really I know I I have not been very good, and I wanted to show my daughter that I was a self-sufficient person, and Oh.
You have a daughter? Yeah, she's 11.
Bridget.
She's such a good little girl.
So I was trying to mix work and family And you make it look so easy.
- Oh, no, it's not.
- Yes, you're amazing, with your your leadership skills, and your joie de vivre - Well - And your car is so clean.
My goodness.
And your flowy hair Just a I mean, that's a leave-in conditioner.
It's a silicone-base.
It doesn't really matter, but Well, thank you for the opportunity, I So where do I turn in the parking pass that they gave me? I'll tell you where you can turn it in.
Your pocketbook, Nancy.
Because you aren't going anywhere, okay? - Really? - Yeah.
Here's my wing.
I want you to get under it.
- Oh, thank you.
- Don't tell Ava.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I'll get back to work.
Hey.
All right, I'm changing lives at work.
Now let's find ourselves a babysitter, huh? Okay.
I made a list of attributes that I want in a babysitter.
Oh.
Well, great.
Let's see.
"Responsible.
" Makes sense.
"No criminal record.
" Well, that kind of goes without saying.
"No body art.
" I wouldn't qualify.
- Ooh, tater tots.
- Hey, hey.
These are for the interview.
It's an old law firm trick.
Whenever we'd take a prospective associate out for dinner, if they salted their food before they tasted it, it meant that they were set in their ways.
I don't want an inflexible babysitter.
You made a whole frickin' bag.
I can't just have one? Um no.
Halley's comet! - Where? - Oh, my God.
It's right there.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Give me that.
- Oh, hot, hot, hot.
- Yeah.
It burns, right? It's burning? So? Hot, hot.
I'm gonna eat this later.
So welcome, Jessie.
Um Oh, I'm sorry.
Like a tater tot? Oh, no, thanks, Mr.
Brinkley.
Oh, God.
"Mr.
Brinkley.
" No, that's my dad's No, you just call me Chris brink Or just Mr.
Chri "Brinkley" is great - You can call him Chris.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Your name is, uh, Jessie.
- Yeah, we said that That's a great name.
I love that name.
Anybody ever tell you they wished they were Jessie's girl? Okay.
You know what we're gonna do? Why don't you just just tell us about your experience while Chris stops talking, okay? Okay, um, well, I was a full-time nanny for two years, and I have a degree in psychology and another in early childhood education.
- Double major, y'all! - Oh, God.
Lord.
You know what, honey? Could you excuse us for one second? We just need to Oh, yeah, go ahead.
This is very impressive, by the way.
What? Okay, she's not gonna work out.
Why? Oh, because she's a pretty girl? Is she? I didn't even notice.
Not my type.
Not really an ass guy.
You get so tongue-tied around attractive women.
What? No, I "durn't.
" Really? The first time we met, you said, "you have 'blurnd' hair.
I really like your 'blurnd' hair.
" You were wearing Jean shorts.
Cut-off Jean shorts.
You know, you have found another excuse to not hire a perfectly good candidate.
I don't understand.
She's perfect.
Look, Reagan, I'm the one who's home during the day, so I think that I should feel comfortable with the person that I'm leaving our daughter with.
Oh, damn it.
She's having a tater tot.
I didn't get a chance to see whether she salted it.
Fine.
I support your decision, okay? But may I remind you that yesterday you thought that your eight-month-old daughter was calling you a jerk.
Jury is still out on that one.
Fine, I'll give her a try.
Okay.
Thank you.
Welcome aboard, Jersey.
Jersey I just called her Oh, my God.
All right, why don't you just take your stuff over to the desk by my office? Great.
And I guess I don't need this anymore.
No, you will not be needing this folder anymore.
- Good thing.
- Yeah! Okay.
Hey! You didn't fire her? What the hell is wrong with you? I can fix her, okay? Look, all she needs to do is be able to manage her time and build a little bit more confidence.
Reagan, I demand that you fire Nancy.
No.
I see potential in that woman, okay? Look, she's going through a really tough transition in her life, she's a single mother Ah, there it is.
She's a mother.
She has a kid.
Uh, what are you getting at? I want employees who are 100% committed to their jobs, not rushing home at lunch to see children and babies.
I want people who have nowhere else to go.
Recovering drug addicts and mean gay guys.
I am giving her a chance.
She is a MILF, Reagan.
A mother I'd like to fire.
Yes, she is a MILF, Ava.
A mother I'd like to foster.
Good one.
Are you defying me? - Yes, I am.
- Well, let the games begin.
- Your funeral, honey.
- Ready, set, go.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Oh, hey, Missy.
I got to talk to you about something.
The new beginnings binder? I'm fired? - Oh, my God.
- Missy - I'm fired? - No, Missy, Missy I gave everything to this job, and all I get is a [bleep.]
dry-ass [bleep.]
.
Aah! Go to hell, you [bleep.]
witch.
I'm [bleep.]
out of here.
Wow.
All right, so, I'll just be over the rink, to play hockey for an hour.
Text if you need anything.
Or just call the rink.
A guy with a mullet will skate over and hand me a cordless phone.
Relax.
Amy and I will be fine.
Cool beans.
You, uh, listening to the grateful dead? Yeah.
They're the best.
Yeah, the dead were part of that whole, uh Whole hippy drug culture thing, huh? Lot of stuff going on there, but that's that's cool.
What are you doing? Um Oh, this is Yours? Oh, I I, um Was looking for your drugs.
- Okay.
- Oh, hey, Matt, I need those segment documents by 2:00.
Do not make me chase you.
Do you understand me? - Wow.
- Okay.
- You're like Hillary Clinton.
- Oh.
You're strong and powerful, and so commanding.
Not gonna say I have not heard that before, but Oh, Reagan, I wanted to reiterate how sorry I am.
I'm working on my victim issues.
Missy, we just need to move on from that.
Thank you.
Why don't you have a seat here? We are gonna tackle some multitasking.
- Okay? - Terrific.
All right.
Great.
Uh, first of all You are gonna answer some calls, and at the same time I want you to be filing some guest research documents on the computer, okay? So there's your mouse.
Just answer, file, answer, file.
- Filing, answering.
- Yeah.
Ooh, I have a call.
Okay.
Ava show.
Keep on watching and growing.
- Reagan Brinkley? - Just take a message.
- Yeah.
What? - Take a message.
I'm very sorry, um, Ms.
Brinkley is in a very important meeting right now.
Yes.
Can I take take a a message, please? So sorry, yeah.
Give me your what is your name? And number? Uh-huh Oh, darn it.
Can you hold on one second, please? Shoot! Oh, gosh.
Oh, no.
This is not gonna be good.
No.
No, I did not mean you.
So sorry, can you hold, please? - Nancy, he's he's not on hold.
- What happened? No, that's not I thought you were gonna pick her up.
That's the volume button.
You keep pressing the volume What? I I'm very sorry.
I thought you were still on hold.
- No, I told you - Nancy, he's not on hold.
She has karate till 3:15, remember? The person's actually still not on hold.
Uh, I I'm very sorry.
All right.
Can you give me the number again? Let's not worry about the pencils.
- Uh-huh.
- It's gonna be fine.
Everybody just needs to stop talking! Okay, just calm down.
Just put all this stuff away.
It's gonna be fine.
- How's it going? - Oh, it's great! It's going great, yeah.
This this woman over here is a p-ro, is what she is.
I'm I'm telling you.
If there is If there's something that she cannot do, I haven't seen it.
Okay.
Okay, thank you.
Somebody order a ray of sunshine? Hi.
And a baby.
I'm the ray.
I know.
Hi Hi.
So how's it Nancy.
Nancy.
Hi.
What's happening? Hey.
Shoot.
Um Bridget got stuck at karate, so I had to pick her up.
Okay.
That's all right.
Sweetheart, this is the great lady that I was telling you all about.
Your hair really is beautiful.
Oh, it's not really Thank you.
All right, let's get you set up with homework, okay? Aw.
Little girls are the best.
See, that's great, yeah.
A total stranger gets a smile out of her, but I get - Nothing but - Okay.
What's going on.
Did you go to hockey? No, it's kind of hard to skate when there's a weed epidemic going around.
Oh, Chris.
You fired the babysitter.
She was listening to the dead, babe.
So, what, she had drugs? No, not in her purse, but she's keistering it for sure.
She looks like a mule.
You went in her purse? Come on, Chris.
Fine.
You know what? Amy and I had a great day, but Except for you can't tell, 'cause she's trying to get out of my arms.
Thanks a lot.
Look at this.
This is what I'm getting all the time.
I'm doing the best I can here.
- Okay.
- Okay, so I'm just You know what? You need to blow off steam.
- Go to hockey.
Now.
- All right, but if No.
Emily here has watched Amy before.
All right, I mean, if you feel like you're I mean, I don't want to leave you in the lurch.
You are at work, but I feel bad about this, obviously.
- I'll be back so soon, honey.
- All right.
You won't even know that I'm gone.
Hey, thank you for watching the nugget.
Hi, my lovely baby.
Mwah! Have you seen Nancy? I saw her run out to the parking lot.
I think I'm sorry, are we running a nursery now? This is supposed to be a cutting-edge show.
And yet my stage is filled with Ragtags.
Nothing but a bunch of babies and Barrys.
Oh, nice shot, Ava.
- So sorry.
- Hi.
I just got a ticket for having too much stuff in my back seat.
- A big, expensive ticket.
- Oh, jeez.
Uh, Nancy, we need to redo the unsung heroes show.
When do we get that car back? Oh.
Oh, we're doing that? Oh, gosh.
Oh, um I just um eeee.
Um, can I just I'm just gonna make a quick, um, phone call, and I'll be back Okay.
Watch watch yourself.
See that? Done.
Right.
Set up interviews asap.
We're hiring a replacement for Nancy.
Okay.
Oh, but I thought Reagan was in charge - of the hiring and firing.
- Missy.
Who do you work for? Me or Reagan? Um, I kind of work for both of you.
Missy, what's the name of this show? Ava.
Whose picture is that? Mine.
Who just sent 25 women stricken with alopecia to Disney world? I did.
Who do you work for? Pick a side, Missy.
Me or Reagan.
We're looking for someone detailed worrying to the multitask.
You'd have to be good with the guests.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi.
Hi, how are you? Um, I just had a chat with Missy, and I thought I was the one who's in charge of hiring and firing.
Oh, you were.
It's just that lately your judgment seems to have been a little bit clouded, so I thought I'd lend a hand.
Oh, well, thank you, ma'am.
Always happy to have judgment advice from someone who owns Rick James' houseboat.
Mark my words, the super freak ii will prove to be a sound investment.
Hi, Michael.
I'm just gonna sit in on this interview - if you don't mind.
- Yeah.
- So why don't you tell us - Tell us about yourself.
- Where did you go to school? - Are you a fan of the show? Would you like some water? - Yes.
- Reagan, please.
I am trying to find an ideal candidate for this workplace.
So, Michael, any stories about Triumphs over past drug use? You know Heroin, meth - Cocaine.
- You cannot ask that.
You're right.
So tell me about your boyfriend.
Come on! Aah! Yeah! Yeah! Whoo! That was the most unprofessional interview that I have ever been a part of.
I am very insulted by that.
You know what? You're fired.
You know what? That would hurt, except for the fact that I am the one who is in charge of hiring and firing, and you know what? Word from upstairs, a.
K.
A my brain, says that you're fired.
Oh, no, you are fired.
Oh, no, no.
You are fired.
No one can hear you because you're fired.
- How can you fire me - Okay.
This is a funny bit.
They're just kidding.
"You're fired, you're fired.
" Everybody's fired! What? Come on, nobody is firing anybody here.
You both love each other, even though there's a lot of meowing in the cathouse, which is totally sexist, I know.
Wouldn't it be funny if I was that guy? Which I'm not.
I'm just What is this really all about? Christopher, you're wise.
You know how she's been since the baby.
- Well - You know what? The quality of my work has not changed one iota since I had Amy, and I find it beyond insulting that you would question my judgment.
Sorry.
Hi.
Ava.
I just received a telephone call from the family of the poor lady who we tried to give the car to.
Apparently she did not get off the plane, and they're wondering where she is.
Nancy, who was in charge of her travel arrangements? You? Oh, no.
Oh, shoot.
Um I'm gonna be right back.
I'm gonna Make a quick I'll be back in one second.
Wow.
I think I may have backed the wrong horse.
- She's pretty bad, right? - She's really the worst.
- Wow.
- The worst.
Okay.
You know, I like to think that I have not changed since the baby, but you know what? Maybe I do have a few blind spots.
Okay.
Are you admitting that sometimes you're wrong and you might need some help? I suppose so.
So we solved it.
Let's bring it on in here and make it official.
Happy that I was able to do this for us.
- Thank you.
- You guys, aw, you're welcome.
Sorry, I just played hockey so I'm a little musky right now.
No, it's working, Christopher.
It's working for me.
All right.
I'm gonna go fire Nancy now.
Yep.
Oh, honey, thank you so much for your help back there.
- Oh, no problem, babe.
- Aye yi yi.
It's amazing what an hour on the ice will do for me.
See? Yeah.
I feel fully awesome now.
Good.
Oh, hey, Nancy.
I'm home.
Oh, hey.
How was hockey? It was great, yeah.
I scored a hat trick.
Which is three goals.
Look, your daddy's home.
It's da-da.
Hey.
Oh, my gosh.
She just gave me that look.
Love that look.
Oh, Amy.
Oh, I really missed you.
I really, really missed you, sweet Oh, man.
Still, uh Still sweating from the hockey.
Aw, shoot.
Come on.
Dump and chase, boys.
Look, man, I feel your pain.
But when it comes to baby bottles, most important thing is nipple size.
I one time slided a size-three in the mix when Amy was only at a one, and she got a milk explosion all over her Babar onesie Oh, come on, ref! Maybe if you got Kevin's balls out of your eyes! Love and understanding.
That's the most important thing.
Just got to show a baby love, you know what I mean? Oh, no.
Let's go house these guys.
Come on, dude!