Velma (2023) s01e09 Episode Script

Brains, where's my mom?
Indian woman. Lots of opinions
on weight and personal hygiene.
The only person we've seen
is that freak in the welder's mask.
Leave the brains.
They wouldn't save you. Trust me!
The police found my mom's car
abandoned and empty,
except for her glasses,
and a single wrapped gift for me.
In that case, I will happily
go with you, Fred.
- Yes!
- But, Daphne!
Are Fred and Daphne
back together?
Maybe it's time
we tried being girlfriends.
Girlfriends? Seriously?
Mom, you still haven't
told me who did this.
Who took you?
I can't remember.
My butt looks amazing.
Hopefully, this time,
nothing causes my implants
to come out.
So, after two years
of searching,
I had finally found my mom.
They didn't come out. Nice!
There was just one tiny problem.
Mom, you don't remember
who took you and the hot girls
because you have amnesia?
Is that what the doctor said?
Kidding.
Amnesia joke, which I can make
because I have it.
But amnesia's curable,
right, Doc?
All we need is a ladder
and a coconut.
99% of the time, yes.
Hey, no offense, but can we just let
the actual doctor explain?
Just being a white guy with a clipboard
doesn't cut it anymore.
Sorry, your insurance
only covered the diagnosis
and the applesauce.
Now, according to
your mother's chart,
she's constructed
a sort of mental wall
to block out the past two years.
If Diya's memories do return,
it will be within 72 hours.
After that,
they're gone forever.
Gone forever?
Sorry.
Can we try that again?
Now, the good news is,
if you can keep Diya happy,
her memory should come back
within that time frame.
So my mom can't get upset
for the next 72 hours?
That's a lot of lying, but thankfully,
I'm damn good at it.
Great. Now, have there been
any changes at home
your mother might
find upsetting?
Changes at home?
Nah, their marriage
is strong as ever.
Aman, why is
the Spooner's waitress,
who used to
flirt with you, here?
You didn't tell her?
We just found
someone no one likes
in case you needed an organ.
But you don't, so bye.
Okay.
My mom has 71 hours
to restore her memory
and identify the serial killer.
So we need to turn this spotless
and well-loved dream home
back into the normal person
dump she remembers ASAP.
Fine. Thank God, I have
my inspirational pillows
to keep me sane
during all of this.
"Breathe. Keep calm and carry wine."
"You're not an alcoholic.
You're a mom."
There's no time for this.
My mom is almost home.
You're taking too long!
So long, stupid child proofing.
Perfect.
Daphne, what are you doing?
You have to
put your back into it,
if we're gonna make this place
smell like my mom.
I know now is not about me,
but it's just been
hard to concentrate
since you said we should try
being girlfriends in the caves.
- Were you serious?
- Yes!
Unless you don't want to.
No, I do!
In fact, the Brains
are throwing themselves
a welcome home party
this weekend,
and I was thinking
we could dramatically upstage them
by going as a couple.
That sounds amazing,
but will I even be invited?
Since being rescued
from the caves,
the Brains are more popular than ever.
Okay, fam.
Today's Steal Her Style
is Brenda, Krista and Lola.
So, for this,
you're gonna need a jar,
some goo, and a saw.
Velma, it's fine. I'm popular enough
for both of us.
You just relax and heavily
medicated trophy-wife it.
My mom is home!
It's so weird, you remember Sophie,
the flirty Spooner's waitress,
but not who kidnapped you.
As weird as
you remembering her name,
but not where you put
your wedding ring?
- Welcome home, Mom.
- I'm home.
What's the matter?
Did you forget we're poor?
No, I can't really
see anything.
Of course,
because I have your glasses.
They fell off in your car
the night you were taken.
Here are your old ones to wear.
I thought I'd keep the nice ones.
Kind of my thing now.
I just remembered something!
It was while I was deciding
to buy these frames
that I first learned
about Dr. Edna Perdue.
Oh, my God, it's working.
Your memory is coming back.
Does that mean
you remember this too?
Yes.
That's the present you forced me to buy
you because you ruined Christmas,
solving one of your mysteries, right?
Wait. Were you annoying
back then?
No, false memory.
Still, I swore I wouldn't open it
until I found you.
Please don't be a puppy.
Red Mary Janes. Perfect.
I'm glad I waited this long
and put so much expectation on it.
Stop. You were a little girl
when I bought those.
You grew up while I was kidnapped,
and I missed it all.
Everything has changed.
Wait, why did I buy
those glasses again?
Velma! She's getting upset,
and losing her memories.
Quick! Make her feel good
by telling her she's more attractive
than her sister.
Mom, it's okay.
I may be older,
but I'm still the same old Velma.
I didn't offer to load the dishwasher
once while you were gone.
So I haven't ruined your life?
Your grades didn't suffer?
You're still valedictorian?
- Yep.
- Good.
Bring me your report cards.
I'm sure the happiness I feel
will help me remember everything,
and we'll finally
catch the serial killer.
Hey, is anyone else gonna contour
their cerebellum for our party?
Hey, girlies.
I'm excited for the party.
What's going on?
Why are you icing me out?
Because you tried
to leave us for dead in the mines.
Your popularity is
officially revoked, Daphne.
Please update your status to "loser"
across all social platforms.
What? You can't be serious.
Update your status to "loser"
across all social platforms.
This is so stupid.
Oh, my God. Daphne's out.
Welcome to exile.
I'm out for two timing
the Brains in the caves.
Even the girl who pretends to be a cat
won't talk to me anymore.
Please. Those girls
don't decide if I'm popular.
Society's obsession
with looks does.
Not cool, Muffin.
Norville! I need your help.
Not now, Velma!
This is for the state championship.
Really? It's not the entertainment
at a Virgin Convention?
That's tomorrow.
Just tell me what you need.
I'm running out of time for my mom
to remember who the serial killer is.
So I need you to break in
to your mom's office,
change my grades
and print me a new report card.
Wait, what?
So, are you done now?
Can you do it?
They saved me my seat.
I knew those bitches needed me.
Keep walking.
Whatever. Watch this.
Oh, God! But the only seat is
at the table by the garbage.
Daphne, stop!
Any movement will
upset the garbage bees.
My only hope is
to be accepted as their queen.
But the only other place to sit
is out in the sun! I'll freckle!
- The Brains can't do this to us!
- They already have.
Incoming, losers.
Here's your fake report card.
I can't believe I'm defying
my parents like this.
Norville, thank you. Sincerely.
You're an incredible friend.
Oh, no! The serial killer
is here to finish the job!
And it's all your fault because
you took too long
to get me my new report card!
Sophie? What are
you doing here?
In your rush to throw us out,
Amanda's blanket got left behind
and she can't sleep without it.
Throw you out?
Wait, you lived here?
Aman, did you have an affair
what happened to me again?
She's freaking out
and forgetting everything.
Like when Al Pacino
tries to return to the stage.
Mom, it's okay. Dad,
didn't have an affair and a baby.
Then whose baby is that?
And why is she here?
The baby is mine. He's mine.
- She.
- She's mine.
Yours? What? Who's the father?
And the only acceptable answer
is you sat on a public toilet seat,
which we've talked about.
I didn't. But you'll like the father.
It's a tale
as old as time, really.
See, the Archangel Gabriel appeared
Norville!
The father is Norville.
Why would you tell your mom
the baby is yours?
She's already had
an unwanted baby in her life.
Because we have to
protect her memory,
and anything's better than learning
your husband cheated on you
the instant you were kidnapped.
It wasn't the instant
she was kidnapped.
It was six weeks.
But why would you say
I'm the father?
Or am I just having
my favorite recurring dream?
No, it's because moms love you.
You're like if Michael B. Jordan
had a baby with leggings.
- Velma?
- She's waking up.
Mom, what's my name?
How old are you?
And how old do you
tell people you are?
Velma, I'm okay.
And we're gonna talk
about your baby in a second,
but that's not
why I passed out.
It's because I was overcome
by another huge memory.
Was it where you put the TV remote?
It's been two years of living hell.
No. I was in the basement
of Fred's house before they moved in.
But the lab entrance
was bricked up.
Fortunately, Dr. Perdue's journals
showed a secret way in.
So I tore its wings off with my teeth
as a warning to the other bats.
And that's all I remember.
But still, you had a memory.
Which means I'm right.
You like that I had a baby,
and that Norville's the father.
I don't like
that you had a baby.
But, even though Aman
and I had our problems,
it's better than him
having cheated on me.
And Norville does seem
like a great father.
I'm a teddy bear.
I'm named after Theodore Roosevelt,
a wealthy demagogue
who massacred indigenous people
in the name of imperialism.
But if Amanda is my gorgeous
granddaughter,
then why is that waitress
in my house?
Sophie's my boss at Spooner's.
So we asked her to watch Amanda
while you recovered your memory.
And I said, "Hell, no!
This is insane!"
"Are you people
out of your goddamn minds?"
- So, Dad offered her money.
- So much money.
Thank you. But now
that the truth is out,
Velma and Norville can look after
their daughter themselves.
Like hell we can.
I mean, of course. How hard can
watching it be? Right, Norville?
Norville?
Hey! You said
this was your dream!
Will you at least
chip in for college?
I was also offered
a vacation to Bali.
Well, Sophie's got this.
Wanna see my report card?
I know I should be more upset
about this, but I'm not.
Well, there is a lot of opportunity
for fugly babies these days.
Amanda could grow up
to be a meme.
No, it's just, there's nothing better
than having a daughter.
You never stopped
looking for me.
I'm only alive because of you.
I love you, Mom.
I love you so much,
I'm gonna let Amanda
sleep in your room.
Nice try.
Just make sure Amanda
doesn't fall off the bed
the way you always did
at that age.
- What?
- Nothing. Good night, girls.
Okay. This isn't that bad.
Oh, God!
Norville! Where did you go?
You know I legally can't be alone
with a child
after I ate my health class egg baby.
Sorry. Had to go tell my parents
what we're doing.
My dad is very excited.
My mom, however, wants me to transfer
schools and find better friends.
Can you believe that? Velma?
- Velma, she's hungry.
- She's not hungry.
When I showed her my boobs,
she fainted.
She's just being a pill.
Daphne?
Hey. I might be on the outs
with the Brains,
so I don't think
we can go to that party.
I don't care about that.
I just wanna be with you.
Same. Though in the ideal world
I'd have both popularity and you.
Daphne! Velma told me
you're Amanda's godmother.
And to think, I always assumed
you'd be the one to get
knocked up first.
What?
Save those judgment nuggets
for your grandbaby.
Now give me a second.
Norville and I are pretending
to be Amanda's parents
for the next 32 hours,
to help my mom remember
who took her and the Brains,
before he strikes again.
You're pretending
to be in a relationship?
Wait! That's it! That's how I can
be popular again!
Freddie? Sweetie!
Daphne, that poor girl
you used to date, is here to see you.
Oh, no! Fred!
What happened?
Don't tell me your father's
kinks are genetic.
No, I was practicing
getting swirlied,
and I must have passed out.
I don't know how much longer
I can take being unpopular.
How do network sitcoms
handle it?
By maintaining an undying faith
in looking backwards,
which is exactly
what we're gonna do.
I was thinking, we always got
more attention as a couple
than as individuals. Like J.Lo and Ben,
or avocado and toast.
Or drinking and boats.
Exactly. So, I'm thinking that if
we faked a dramatic public reunion,
we could capture the hearts and minds
of the student body
and be popular again.
That is a very good idea, Daphne.
I wish Fred were
a little more like you.
You mean poor? Gross.
Did Fred drive Daphne
to school?
I know they're social pariahs
right now, but this is huge.
Aw, she's so happy
with you guys.
And like they say, leave a baby
with whoever makes her smile. Bye.
I love their love.
- Where's Amanda?
- Who?
Pack it up. Tables are done.
Velma, I'm sorry, but this video
of your talent show
isn't making me happy enough
to remember anything else.
Sorry, Howie Mandel.
But don't worry.
I'm working on something
that will definitely do the trick.
Velma, I changed your grades.
I agreed to be the fake father
of your fake baby.
But I will not compromise
my journalistic integrity for you.
I refuse to print this headline.
But my mom is so close
to remembering
who the serial killer is and only has
six hours left to regain her memory.
Too bad. My best reporter,
Woo Jin,
just accidentally named a source
in his life story,
and I fired his ass
with the harshest words I know.
Best of luck
with all your future endeavors.
Damn. From you, that's no joke.
But this headline could
be the difference
between making my mom
happy enough to remember
and the serial killer
taking a million more girls.
Me upstaging my cousins
is an intergenerational slap in the face
to my mom's sisters, and that's
her number one dream.
Fine, I'll do it.
But could you at least
change Amanda's diaper?
Way to take advantage
of someone at a low moment.
Classy.
Hello? Lamont?
Someone wants you
to change their diaper.
A welder's mask?
Hello, Velma.
Has your mother
regained her memory yet?
Norville, what are you doing?
Your mother's about
to steal all of your green.
And if I do, will this stupid land
finally be settled?
Please say it will be settled.
Sorry. I'm worried about Velma.
I haven't heard from her
since this afternoon.
I wonder where she could be.
- Freeze, Lamont!
- Dad, what's going on?
Wait. Is this a prank?
Like when the seniors beat me up?
I wish, but no.
Care to explain what this was doing
in your desk?
- My welder's mask.
- Dad, you didn't.
I did, son.
Guilty as charged.
I handcrafted you
a sword for your birthday.
Case closed. Wait, what?
Today's your birthday?
Yes. And my dad
isn't the serial killer.
He only has a welder's mask
because he made me a sword
like I've been begging him to.
Oh, please.
That could just be a cover story.
Oh, yeah.
No, he definitely made that.
Okay, well, this is starting
to look like a false alarm.
Thankfully, the damage
isn't too bad.
Wow, Daphne.
Disembodied brains are
attending your high school,
and the serial killer
is still out there,
but hashtag Fraphne
is the top trending story.
And listen to this text
I just got from Brenda.
"Hey, girlie."
"Hope you and Fred can make it
to our party tonight."
"No hard feelings. Remember,
I'm literally heartless."
It worked.
We're officially popular again.
I can't ever repay you, so I won't.
That's fine.
It'll be repayment enough
to see Brenda's amygdala shake
when Velma and I steal the show
by arriving as a couple.
What? You and Velma?
But everyone is expecting us
to go together.
But we can't pretend
to date forever.
I'm already one conversation about
affirmative action away
from killing you.
I'm just saying, if white people are now
Daphne, as much as it shocks me
to say this, Fred is right.
People expect you to go together,
and it's not forever.
Just until you're popular enough
to do whatever you want,
like a homophobic
chicken sandwich chain.
Smart girl.
Which reminds me,
would you ever consider
interning for me at
Jones Gentlemen's Accessories?
If you can make Fred popular,
I'd love to see what you could do
with a 90 dollar headband.
Really? Oh, my God, yes.
And call me crazy,
but make the headband tiny.
Now it's for dogs.
You're welcome.
Brilliant. But keep this
between us for now.
Not everyone in the company is
as receptive to outside ideas as I am.
I am so sorry about your house.
And you should absolutely place
the blame where it's due. The police.
I don't care
about my house, Velma!
I care that you accused my dad
of being a serial killer
without even telling me.
I know, but I saw the welder's mask
and freaked out.
And I wanted you to finish the headline
about me for the paper.
Which, did you?
'Cause I couldn't help but notice
you had time for a board game.
This is unbelievable.
I put you above
everything in my life.
But I draw the line
at my family.
If our situations
were reversed,
you'd have left me for dead
after my first hallucination.
But I was worried my mom
wouldn't recover her memory.
Yeah, I don't care!
You're a bad friend.
And you look terrible in orange.
Norville, please. You say that every
time I mistake dwarves and elves.
An elf is a luminous spirit,
and a dwarf is a hairy oaf.
But most importantly,
they are not friends.
And neither are we.
Best of luck in all
your future endeavors, Wilhelmina.
Amanda, I don't think
he's kidding.
Amanda? Oh, God!
Amanda! Come back!
Seriously! Stop, Amanda.
Watch out!
Hey, that's how
I got my baby to nap, too.
Amanda, please!
If you stop rolling,
I'll stop trying to sell you
on the dark web.
Look at the happy couple.
- Happy.
Exactly. Happy.
Or are you just faking it
to be popular?
- Wait, what?
- What?
No. We're a happy couple.
- Tell 'em, Daph.
- Yeah, we love each other.
Great. Then prove it.
Kiss.
Kiss?
Or all your popularity
goes away forever.
Yeah, sure. Easy.
What the actual hell?
Velma? What are you doing here?
Amanda rolled here
to find her mom.
Her mom?
Velma, what are
you talking about?
Mom? What are you doing here?
The Brains invited us when they learned
your mom was in the caves with them.
And T-B-H, we thought she'd be cool
and order us alcohol.
Velma, what's going on?
Nothing. I just thought
taking a little spin on the dance floor
with your granddaughter, might give
Sophie, what the hell?
Velma,
the 72 hours are up.
She didn't remember
who took her and the Brains.
We have to tell her the truth.
No need. I think
I figured it out.
You did have an affair, Aman,
while I was kidnapped.
- And a child.
- Yes.
But for what it's worth,
both of those things
only happened after
Sophie and I fell in love.
I'll stop talking.
Mom, I'm sorry we lied,
but we had to try
to help you remember.
But I do.
Oh, my God, I do remember
who the serial killer is.
What? How?
I don't know. Maybe I'm relieved
to finally be freed
from my loveless and sexually
unfulfilling marriage.
- Rude.
- Stop!
I wasn't asking
for an actual explanation.
Just say who the serial killer is.
It's me.
Okay, you are so ordering us
alcohol now.