Wedding Band (2012) s01e09 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to health and happiness! Prost! - To our first "rock-toberfest.
" - That we've played.
Yeah, well, correction paid to play.
I do not miss clubs and the struggle at all.
- Amen to that, man.
- Hey, whoa, whoa.
- What do you mean, "pay to play"? - Well, Stevie, see, "paid" No, I know what it means.
We're not playing this gig for free? No, no, no, we're getting paid, sort of.
We're getting 25 large.
- In frequent-flyer Miles.
- Yes.
25,000 Miles? That's not enough for round trip to Portland.
- I need a beer.
- Here.
I can't believe roxie penciled me in to work this event.
Is Rutherford really paying us in Miles? Yes.
She charges all of her event expenses to her corporate cards.
She's got like a million Miles racked up on those things.
Problem is, they expire at the end of the month.
Oh, great.
So, now we're being paid in expiring frequent-flyer Miles.
That's Hey, hey, lots of bands want to play oktoberfest for free.
We would have been here anyway, man.
At least this way we get bottomless steins on the house.
- Amen to that.
- Amen.
- Fair enough.
Fair enough.
- It's not bad.
Hey.
- What? - It's Declan Horn.
- Who? - Declan Horn.
- What's he doing here? - Watching us.
Come on.
Let's give him a show.
Yeah! Yeah.
We love you! Danke schoen! S01E09 Personal Universe We got to do something.
I mean, how often does this happen? In the same place as your rock idol? We got to introduce ourselves.
Barry, no.
What are we gonna say? "We love your music"? "'Bankers and wankers' changed my life"? Probably gets that 100 times a day.
- I'm sure he's getting it now.
- You know what? I'm gonna ask him what's up with "Roll up the sky.
" I've been waiting 10 years for that album.
- I pre-ordered it.
- All right, all right, I got it.
I got it.
We'll do the classy thing send him a pitcher of Hefeweizen.
Uh, Fraulein? Ich werden ein Stein Hefeweizen for diesenRockstar.
Jawohl.
- Nice.
- When'd you learn how to speak german? - I always knew how to speak german.
- What? It's a good idea, too, 'cause you want to keep your distance from these people.
"These people"? What does that mean? Yeah, I've known a lot of rock stars.
Trust me.
You put them on a pedestal, they use you, trash the pedestal, and throw it right out the hotel window.
Declan Horn he's one of the greats.
He wouldn't do that.
It's from those guys.
Here you go.
Yeah.
- He just waved us over.
- Maybe it's a fly SWAT, phantom arm.
He doesn't have a phantom arm, Barry.
He just waved us over.
Oh, really? You're just gonna let's follow the rock star.
To Saint Arnold, the patron Saint of beer.
- There's a patron Saint of beer? - Oh, yeah.
Legend goes, after he died, his pallbearers stopped at a tavern on the way to the graveyard.
But there was only one mug of beer left inside, so they had to share.
That mug, no matter how much they drank, never emptied.
Lasted eight days.
Wow, the magical mug of eternal beer.
Irish hanukkah.
Hey, digits, lads.
Come on.
I'm s you want my number? No, no, I want to breed you with Italian supermodels and sell your babies on the black market.
Might as well start with your contact information.
I pay my sonic debts.
You entertain me, I entertain you.
Got to go.
Four ladies, three parties.
Did that just happen? "Sonic debts"? - Come on.
Don't fall for that.
- What? Guys, the notebook.
So what? What? Declan Horn writes all of his songs in notebooks just like that.
"Roll up the sky" might have been in there.
Ugh! We were this close.
What if he calls? That was crazy.
I feel like the getaway car outside of a bank.
I've been idling in the bedroom for 45 minutes.
I'm sorry.
I just listening to this Declan Horn album, "Junkie radio.
" God, I must have listened to this 50 times, wore out the vinyl, just can't even believe that Hon, maybe you'd like to put the iPod in the dock in the bedroom.
But it sounds so good on the vinyl.
I wish you could hear it, but we sold the record player at the garage sale, so that's Honey, we're in a rut.
You know who's in a rut? Declan Horn.
He's in a rut.
- He's been working on this album for 10 years.
- Wow.
And who knows how genius it could be? It's a kind of rut you don't even know you're in.
If it's that kind of rut, then how do you know you're even in it? Eddie, when was the last time we had sex? Oh, my God, we're in a rut.
Remember when we moved in to this house? Remember how we said we were gonna make love in every room? How many rooms have we actually christened? Does that thing you did to me in the car does that count? All right, fine, I'm gonna give you the garage.
I'll give you the garage, the bedroom, and the backyard, - but that's it.
- Okay, is the living room still in play? - Because - Oh, mm-hmm.
Oh, it's in play.
Daddy! - Wow.
- See? That yeah.
See, I am not rut-responsible here.
That is the rut.
Me? Rut-free.
Okay.
Don't worry about it.
I'll just be here, listening to Declan Horn, alone, amusing myself.
It's quite good, actually.
- Hey, Rachel.
- Hey.
Uh, what's with all the boxes? Did roxie win "The price is right"? No, she is trying to spend her Miles before they expire.
You guys need a microwave? - Nice dress.
- I could use a coffee pot, actually.
Is that an espresso 3000? Oh, yeah, and then we can discuss the details.
Oh, here they are! - Hi.
Hello.
- Hey.
Please meet Randy and Linda Lee.
- Hi, there.
- Hi, Randy, Linda.
- And Catherine.
- Hi, Catherine.
Don't forget my sister.
Oh, like that would ever happen.
This is Precious, everybody.
- Say, "hello," Precious.
- Say, "hi," Precious.
- "Hello.
" - Yep.
"Hello.
" Precious.
- Hi, Precious.
- Say, "hello.
" Look at these faces.
Well, why don't we all sit down, and we can get this party started? Wow, "Precious" most overrated movie ever.
That was in Ingrid's top 10bthe year it came out.
It was pretty good.
Yeah, I'm with Barry.
I don't know why any reporter, even one played by John Travolta, would do a story about an aerobics club.
No, no, man, that's "Perfect.
" That's not "Precious.
" - You sure? - John Travolta was not in "Precious.
" - They're nothing the same.
- No, no, that's "Precious.
" Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Um, all right, so, here's the thing uh, the building not me, because I love them it doesn't allow dogs.
- Oh, Precious isn't a dog.
- No, she's not.
Precious is a Real girl, and apparently an only child.
I'm the rescue.
Cat.
Don't be a negative Nancy.
Oh, you want me to be negative? Okay, well, why don't you Linda and Randy are throwing a sweet 16, everybody.
Mm.
For? - Catherine.
- Catherine.
Why don't we start talking about the set list? That is a great idea, Rachel.
I have trained you well.
Yeah.
You guys thinking classic sweet-16 theme? "You're sixteen," Ringo Starr? "Always sixteen," Billy Ray Cyrus? Little edgier? Uh, Billy Idol, maybe, "Sweet sixteen"? Yeah, or full-on statutory "Deflower power," Declan Horn.
No, no, not that one.
Precious doesn't like loud music or rap.
That's weird.
You looked right at me when when you said that.
Right on.
What makes you think she doesn't like loud music? She's just very particular.
So, she has her own taste in music.
Very specific.
And the amazing thing is She has the exact same taste as us.
Same as us.
- That is funny.
It is.
- Why did God give me ears? Hey, you know what? It's, uh, Catherine's sweet 16.
Why don't we ask Catherine what she wants to hear? Come on, Precious.
Come on, Precious.
Come on.
Here we go.
Declan.
Hey, man.
What's going on? I wasn't expecting you to call.
Be cool, nothing too needy.
Uh, of course.
- Of course we want to hang out tonight.
- I can't.
I got to take the kids to the o garden.
- Like hell you do.
- Stop it.
Shut up.
I cannot believe you guys are falling for this.
Come What time? Right on.
Cool.
Okay.
Midnight.
We are partying with Declan.
- Yes! - Awesome.
Sorry, cats.
- No way this doesn't end badly.
- Stop it.
- 8 out of 10 people who party with him die.
- I know.
It's gonna be awesome.
It's like someone gave you a roofie or something.
Okay, here we go.
All right, so, there I am, running down the halls of the west wing at 4:00 in the morning, and Erin Andrews is doing cartwheels! Yeah.
And she's very acrobatic.
And she's she's everything.
Yeah, she's smart.
She's sexy.
She's beautiful.
She knows your football, too.
- Put your hands out, facedown on the bar.
- Okay.
All right.
And then we place a beer on the top of each hand for you to balance.
Nice.
Got it? - Now what do I do? - Tommy: Good man.
Hey, guys? Guys? I am going to study you like an anthropologist.
I'm gonna view you in your natural habitat.
Why are you gonna do that? Why? Because you guys you play like you know a secret, and I'm gonna find it, I'm gonna steal it, and I'm gonna murder you in your sleep.
You can.
You're allowed to.
- Show of hands! - Guys.
- Historically best guitar solo? - Hey, guys? - "Stairway to heaven," Jimmy Page.
- Kirk Hammett, Metallica, "one.
" "Shock me," Ace Frehley, Kiss.
And the Lincoln bedroom is right 'round the corner.
That's when the leader of the free world shows up to give us this great big, "what the hell?" My first and last white house correspondents' dinner.
- Cheers.
- Unbelievable.
- Cheers.
- Yes.
Wait.
Wait.
I heard one.
I heard you burned down a hotel in Rio just 'cause they didn't have the wine you wanted.
No, that's false.
Okay, I got one.
I got one.
I got one.
I heard you bought Michael Jackson's hyperbaric chamber for your cat.
I didn't.
I hate cats.
I hate them.
I heard you have 50 guitars.
- That's true.
- Really? 58.
I can't help myself.
I'm addictive personality.
Ah! I'm so jealous.
I heard you four-wayed the Dixie chicks - What?! - in a hotel made of ice in Sweden.
Bollocks.
- That's what I thought.
- It was Norway! I heard it's taken you 10 years to write "roll up the sky" in 6 different studios.
You can just ignore him.
- That's it's none of our business.
- I'm not even sure we know - it's none of our business.
- I might not even know this dude.
I don't it's true.
Oi! More champagne.
More champagne! More champagne! - Hey! - Hey! - Declan wants us to swing by his place tonight.
- Ugh.
Aw, you club kids never enough sleep, huh? - I do not feel good.
- It's rough.
Who is that? They are the Brads.
They're new.
They sure look like it.
Deke Brad is an extreme photographer high-risk underwater shark work, morrissey album covers.
Elvira is a performance artist body piercings and body art.
- Piercings ar - Yeah.
Yeah, they are not in a rut.
No, that looks like the opposite of a rut to me.
Hello.
- That is some kind - That is a lot of tongue.
I bet it's true.
And no Declan.
Typical.
Well, he said we'd find him around here somewhere.
Search party.
This is it.
This is it.
"Roll up the sky," 10 years.
This is insane.
Check out those guitars.
It's like sitting in Captain Kirk's chair.
Hold on.
What happened to keeping your distance from famous people? Right.
Right.
I said that, but It's Kirk's chair! It's Kirk's chair.
Shh.
We're on the bridge, Scotty.
We're on the bridge.
Look, Stevie.
Look at these.
Notebooks.
That's not just notebooks.
This is full of lyrics, man.
These are songs.
Well! It's about time! Hey.
- You guys are hiding from the party.
- Here you go.
Right, man.
- That is for you.
It's a party favor.
- Oh, I This one's mine.
I'm just the first person to hear them.
And the reason I can't finish "Roll up the sky" there's one song missing.
So, I sit here Wait But nothing comes.
The antidote for silence is noise.
Hey.
Why are Declan Horn's notebooks in my jacket? You sure it's not his jacket? Yeah, it's my jacket.
I'm pretty sure about that.
Oh, then then maybe you should give him his notebooks back.
He has lyrics written on everything.
- He's got receipts and napkins.
- Maybe you should maybe you should give him his notebooks back, right? What if the song, the missing song that he was talking about what if it's in these? Do not mess with Declan Horn.
I saw him choke out Jack White.
I'm not talking about messing with him, man.
I'm talking about helping him.
I'm talking about the two of us - The two of us? - together, helping the man to find the last song - on "Roll up the sky.
" - You sure about that? Yeah.
You don't sound sure.
I'm wasted, but I'm sure.
So I like to welcome you all to the official run-through of Catherine's sweet 16.
This is gonna be great.
You can just think of this as Sorry I'm late.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Excuse me.
Who are you? I'm with the band.
You're with the Yeah, and you're the one that pays them with the frequent-flyer Miles.
That's genius.
Where where where where where was I? This is the perfect opportunity to experience Experience the party before it happens.
Right, to experience That's not an actual dog, is it? Looks like a sad, anemic wookiee.
How dare you? Precious is very sensitive.
Precious is a scorpio, just like Catherine.
Precious doesn't have an astrological sign.
Precious is a dumb dog.
As I said, an opportunity to experience roll a ball into one of two boxes, and then you hide it.
Most intelligent animals will find the ball - by watching where the ball rolls.
- Right.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I love this story.
Every time I hear it, it gets better.
- But not dogs.
- No.
Precious can solve the problem by watching where her owner is looking.
That's me.
- That's not dumb.
- No, that's not dumb.
- That's love.
- Yes, it's love.
That's love, lovey-love, love, love.
- Love, love.
- Love, love.
Yes.
- What? What is it? - What are you doing? I'm solving the problem by watching your faces.
Got it.
Maybe this would be a good time to discuss the birthday surprise.
- Yes, the birthday surprise.
- Yeah, that's - which is Ah! - A Toyota Camry! Da da da! Featuring entune, a multimedia audio system with voice-activated features and technology designed with the 21st-century driver in mind.
- I hate them.
- Yeah, I saw that.
Yeah, I'm not precious.
They can't make me sit and stay.
Obedience it's overrated.
Yeah, and sometimes you just got to bail.
Totally.
Bad movie bail.
Mani-pedi with mom bail.
Waiting 13 minutes for a hidden track bail.
You're the drummer.
How'd you know that? 'Cause the drummer's always the rebel in the band, and you got the swagger.
I do? I mean, yeah, I do.
It's kind of my role.
It's my dynamic.
I like swagger.
Thanks.
I got to own it.
Could you get Declan Horn to come to my birthday party? - Declan? - Yeah.
Yeah, of course I can, 'cause I'm cool.
I got swagger.
Awesome.
He's like third on my fast dial.
First is Robert Plant.
Who? So, moving on, we will move to the Cake.
Declan Horn.
A very sweet 16 - If you point it behind you, it works better.
- Special birthday cake What? - I thought we were gonna meet up after this.
- Oh, I couldn't wait.
- Really? Why? - So, moving on, we will just, uh Stevie stole my notebooks.
Um - Declan Horn.
- The screen button.
- What is it? - Do you want me to do that for you? Yeah.
Okay, Rachel's gonna do this 'cause she's my assistant, - and she's great at these kinds of things.
- Take a bow, Roxie.
Okay.
Thank you.
Never trust a bass player.
Bill Wyman, Flea, Les Claypool that's not a musician.
- That's a criminal enterprise.
- Flea? That guy does a lot of charity work.
I hadn't looked at those notebooks for a solid year, but lately, hanging out with you lads maybe there's something in there that I missed.
It's a new cake to us, but it's no stranger to fun.
- I'm gonna choke Stevie out like Jack White.
- I no no, you're not.
You know what? I've worked with a lot of bass players.
I have, and they're all stand-up guys.
- They're good.
- Yeah? Yeah, they're good.
They're good people.
Yeah, you're right.
There's no bigger git than a guitar player.
- Ah.
- It's Eddie.
No.
Yeah.
- Look at him.
- Oh, I'm looking.
it's really cool to hang and everything, Declan, but there's, you know, not a whole lot to see here.
You know, the first day when I saw you lads play at Oktoberfest, it was the strangest thing.
I remembered how much bloody fun music could be.
And me I'm an expert in fun.
Don't know how I forgot it.
Yeah.
Did Tommy mention anything to you about my notebooks? Notebooks? No.
You mean "the notebook"? Oh, my God.
Ingrid crazy about Ryan Gosling, like ugh.
Excuse me.
Hey, excuse me.
- Sorry.
- You're Declan Horn.
I am.
He is.
And this is my good friend Eddie.
- Hi.
I'm Elvira.
- Elvira.
Hey.
- I'm Deke.
Nice to meet you, Eddie.
- Deke.
What's up? Declan, mate, it goes without saying we are massive fans.
West country? Yeah.
Wow.
What are you, Merseyside? Ah! Got it in one.
How did you Oh, any proper englishman can identify a regional accent within a 10-mile radius of its origin.
Well, 5, usually.
- It's Eddie, right? - Yeah, Eddie.
Look, we're having a party at our place tomorrow night, uh, just a few friends no kids, just adults.
You'll come, meet the gang? Yeah.
Yeah, I'll come and meet the gang, yes.
All right.
And, uh, Declan, I don't want to exclude you.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
I love a good party.
He does.
Do you remember the first time you really listened to Declan's music? He's the reason that I wanted to be a rock star.
Hilary Duff she did it for me.
- Really? - Yeah.
You're a jackass.
You know what? Maybe there's nothing here, man.
No.
That's ridiculous.
You don't just stop hearing the music.
But he said he did.
If that ever happened to me, I'd go crazy.
You know that? Listen, dude, best-case scenario, right? We find a song, right, give it to him, and never hear from Declan again.
Famous people suck at gratitude.
Worst-case scenario you drive yourself completely "beautiful mind" trying to piece together something that never existed in the first place.
You keep chasing it, and all you'll do is drive yourself crazy.
Crazy, right? That was crazy.
Okay, all right, hold on.
- Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Okay, wait.
Wait.
- ™º Ba dun dun dun ♺ with - With that? - No.
- No, no, no, this, this, this, this, this, this.
- Where is it? Okay.
Rachel, what is he doing here? Oh, you're very naughty, aren't you Oh, that's Declan horn.
Catherine invited him.
I know who he is.
Well, you need to keep an eye on him - because Declan Horn is a walking - Hiya.
advertisement for fun.
Is the camry ready? Well, Rachel is our automotive docent, so she will pick the optimal moment to reveal the car.
It's just after the band's first set.
Okay.
Cat, come here.
I want you to meet some of mine and precious' friends.
- I don't think that - Come on.
Let's go.
- No, I don't I'm not really - Come on.
It's your party.
Let's go.
But Cat.
Time for cake and candles.
All right, sounds good.
We'll meet you right over there.
Faux-jito, easy on the mint.
Sure.
- Kiddie cosmo - Shaken, not stirred.
Here I am, on the verge of adulthood, and I am jealous of a yorkie.
Did you ever wish you were an only child? Oh, yeah.
Ooh! I was once.
Got sent home early from camp.
Eddie stayed behind.
Best two days of my life.
You know, you seem like the kind of guy that could make problems disappear.
Oh, yeah.
I'm like a problem wizard.
"Poh.
" So, you can make my little problem disappear? Mm, sure.
Thanks, Barry.
Pleasure doing business with you.
And a pleasure doing business with you.
So, what kind of business are we talking about? Le Patomane was the greatest flatulist of all time.
He headlined at the Moulin Rouge.
Dude could fart "O sole mio," "La marseillaise," and his impression of the San Francisco earthquake, which I believe went something like this Ugh! Ew, no.
Disgusting.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, you'd be surprised by the size and quality of the lees' wine cellar.
It's very impressive.
It was you? I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to take them.
I did I didn't I didn't mean to keep them.
Uh, yeah, but you did.
I hope you enjoyed yourself, poring through my failures.
Did you find that funny? It wasn't like that.
Listen, that song that you were talking about Keep it.
Yeah.
Means more to you than it ever did to me.
Hold on a second.
"Personal universe" That is a desert-island song.
Let me guess changed your life.
Yeah.
Now you sound like a fan.
Autograph? - You're supposed to be on - Supposedly.
You guys know "personal universe," right? Yeah.
Of course we do.
It's Declan's first number one.
Let's see if he remembers it.
Uh, if you know the words to this song, feel free to sing along.
Everybody, sing it! Hey.
Where's Declan? - She's gone! - Someone stole our Precious! The Toyota someone stole the Toyota.
Looks like he left.
Declan, darling, hello! Oh, hi! How are you doing, love? Hey, man! - What's with the - Oh, Deke! So glad you could make it.
- Brother.
- Good to see you, man.
- Uh, booze is that way.
- Oh, Precious' very first.
Oh.
Couldn't get a sitter? Stole it.
Here you go, love.
I'm Ingrid.
- Declan.
- Hi.
- Um, I know who you are.
- Yeah.
I think you know my husband Eddie? Hello, Ingrid.
What's your story? Oh, um - Precious? - Precious? - Precious? - Precious? Precious, here! Thank you for the birthday gift.
But, uh, I didn't get you anything.
Oh, yeah, I know.
You didn't "get me" anything.
Wait.
I'm confused.
Did I or did I not get you something? You know what? We should probably get our stories straight.
Okay, where were you when Precious first went missing? Oh, you think I took the No, no, I didn't take I'm not that much of a rebel.
I'm pretty sure it was Declan Horn.
No, no, that's a good idea pin it on him.
Rock star, shady past no one will suspect us.
- Okay, now we need to figure out an alibi.
- We don't.
- You know what? We should run away together.
- No, no, no, we're not Honey, we're gonna send everyone home.
We've got to find Precious.
Everybody go home! - Party's over! I'm sorry! - Please just leave! Please leave! Everybody has to go home! - Go home! Everybody - Mom, dad, this is my party.
Yeah.
Nobody go home.
You can't cancel her party.
It's a big day.
How can you think about yourself at a time like this? - Why are you speaking to our daughter? - Okay, Randy - She pulled me aside.
- Randy and Linda, we have not lost hope, okay? We are absolutely gonna find Precious.
All we need is a picture, preferably something smaller than the oil paintings, - and if she had her tags on, that would - Oh, my God.
- Oh, find my pet! Find my pet! - Yes! You didn't have to say that twice.
No, no, it's an app.
We got a chip implanted in Precious.
- Ow.
- It's like a lojack for pets.
- You just open up the app.
- There she is! A blue dot! Precious is in Bellevue! She's safe.
She's fine.
She's fine.
Why isn't the blue dot moving? She's maybe maybe she's off radar.
- Let's go get her.
- Honey, it's not moving.
- She's there.
It's fine.
- Honey That's our Toyota.
1028? - This is the Brads' house.
- Who? Declan must have gone to Deke and Elvira's party.
Right.
All right.
That means that we're finding Precious.
Come on, Rachel.
Eddie turned down sex with you to listen to my album? Yup.
That actually happened.
Eddie played my very first hit at the sweet 16 today.
Really? How did it sound? - Good.
- Good.
Hi.
Cellphones in the bowl, please.
- That's a first.
- Well, no, it makes sense No cellphones, no unnecessary interruptions.
That's right.
Precious! Where is she? Precious! Precious! Where is my Precious? Precious? Where are you? Precious! - What are you doing with my - Sorry for the confusion.
Precious and I took a little walk together.
- I hope I didn't cause any trouble.
- Is she okay? - Look at her.
Look at her.
- I don't know.
She looks weird.
- No, her eyes look fuzzy.
- Look at her ey What did you do to her? No, I combed her and everything.
I didn't have a c with the fingers and everything.
How is this okay? How is this okay? Did you feed her rock-'n'- roll drugs or something? - This is - No, beef jerky, only beef jerky.
She's not supposed to eat for another three hours We don't know what's inside of her.
She tells you with her eyes.
We thought she was in a well.
We didn't know what I thought a hawk had taken her.
Just calm down.
- Don't.
Don't touch us with your filthy hands.
- You know what? Well, they're only dirty because your dog - She's bathed.
Believe me, we bathe her - She's it's oil.
- It's special canine oil.
- twice a week.
- Okay.
- I would spit on you, but there's food, and I don't want to spread germs.
- Oh, do it, baby.
- Spit on his food, Randy.
I don't care.
This is a party.
And I think your music is old and has-been-ish.
You're a has-been.
- Oh, good, you found Precious! - Yes, we did.
- We are not happy.
Who is charge of you? - What is his name? - Who can I write to? - Who can we write to? I have two flat-screen, 50" television sets - back in my office.
- You know what? That's not gonna do it.
Okay.
I will take the flat-screen tvs.
- I will not.
- I would like the flat-screen tvs.
- Okay.
Call me.
- Welcome.
Hello.
- I'm so sorry.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Do you have alcohol at this party? - Hi.
Welcome.
Come on in.
When you have decor like this, it's important to balance things.
- Yeah, I agree.
- If I you have - Ingrid.
Ingrid.
Hey.
- Oh! - Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
- Hi.
- It's a long story and longer day.
- Oh.
Eddie, Ingrid and I have been discussing your love life.
What? Hi, guys.
Please take a cellphone.
Uh, everybody, quiet, please.
One cellphone per customer.
No cheating.
I stood in line for two hours for my phone.
I better get it back intact.
Now, I think, uh, most of you are familiar with our little parlor game.
However, we do have one or two first-timers here this evening, so let's try and ease them in gently.
Uh, you there, darling, excuse me.
Sorry.
I don't know your name.
I'm Rachel.
I'm not supposed to be here.
Rachel, come on up, please.
Everybody, this is Rachel.
Hi, Rachel.
Hello again.
We've met.
- Rachel - At your office.
- thanks for playing our little game.
- Before that.
Um, I'll explain it in just a moment.
Rachel will dial her number into the house phone.
Of course, her cellphone will ring.
The lucky man or woman holding the ringing phone will be Rachel's first partner of the evening.
When you say "partner" My, my, my.
My first key party since millennium night in Spokane.
- Key party? - Key party? Key party! Dial the number and find a bedroom.
And please remember, everyone the reason we practice safe sex is because Practice makes perfect.
practice makes perfect! Come on, everyone.
Let's give our first-timer a big hand.
Yeah! Dial that phone! Hey! Hey! I'll take it.
Thank you.
I'll take that.
- This is really weird now.
- Interesting.
What a week.
Yeah.
What a week.
Bet you didn't think iend up with your phone.
- No! - Neither did I.
- But then it was you, and I was like, "whew.
" - Yeah, it's like, "oh, hey, whoo.
" - How's Adam doing? - He's super good, super good.
Is he good? That's good.
Tell him I said hey.
Super.
Wow.
That was nice work.
- Yeah.
- Very Alpha male.
- Yes, yes, well, uh, - Yeah.
I'd recognize that ringtone anywhere.
Aww.
Though you may have broken his arm.
Well, he had it coming.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, I guess the, uh the rut ends here.
Well, we are swinging at a key party.
Bye! You are probably wondering why I threw elvira out of here.
Yeah, seemed a bit rude.
Lovely young woman piercings, I assume, in all the right places, and our hostess.
You are a train wreck.
It's been said.
A mistake in tight pants.
Yeah, my trousers are a bit snug, aren't they? You pulled me up onstage in 1992 and kissed me at the kingdome.
They put it all over the jumbotron.
I did? The crowd went wild.
Did you? It wasn't bad.
I mean, I'd never kissed a rock star before.
Would you like to kiss a rock star again? Well, you're not really a rock star anymore, are you? Oh, no, it's a lifetime appointment, like, um, supreme court justices and kings.
Well, that's good to know.
I'm not gonna kiss you, though.
Really? You sure pick an interesting time to exhibit impulse control.
Oh, no, I'm gonna write my name all over your body.
Is that a promise? It's better than a promise.
It's a song.
- You ever been to one of these things before, - No.
- these key-party things? - No.
- Have you? - No.
It's strange.
It's like I don't know musical chairs of sex, right? But without music or chairs.
- A lot of sex, though I mean - Yeah.
- Weird stuff.
- I mean, you swap the phone and then another Geez.
Well, um Let's go home.
But we didn't swing yet.
No, no, no, I mean the house is empty all of those rooms.
Oh, the rooms, yeah.
We can make love in every one.
- In the study - Mm, yeah.
- the, uh, kitchen - Yeah.
the guest bedroom maybe the playroom.
Would that be weird, the playroom? I mean, is Oh, there's only one way to find out.
- Oh, little disclaimer, though - Right.
Three times is the maximum, and I need some recovery time, because kind of a long day.
Yeah, no problem.
We can just pick up where we left off in the morning.
Waffles, waffles, waffles.
Yeah? You gonna scramble my eggs? I'm gonna waffle your waffle.
This would be any man's dream key party, sitting in a bedroom with a beautiful girl.
Oh, come on.
You're just being sweet.
- So, you want to have sex with me? - Sure.
What? What did you - I asked you to - You tricked me.
Why did you say that? - Why would you say that? - Tricked? What am I, a jedi? - Why did I say that? - I don't even know why you said that.
I don't know why you - You made me say yeah.
- 'Cause I'm at a key party.
I've never been at one of these things before.
- I don't know why I said that.
Oh, my God.
- I don't know the protocol.
- I don't it's - Ask me again.
No.
Just ask me again so I can do it right.
Do you want to have sex with me? No.
Tommy, I don't.
Oh, no.
You know, it's not even my real birthday.
No? No.
That was last Saturday.
Mom and dad had a dog show.
When I was 16, I stayed in bed for two weeks, pretended to have cushing's disease.
The symptoms were really specific.
Why did you do that? I don't know.
I was tired of living in my big brother's shadow.
You know, I thought everything sucked.
But then I solved my problems.
How? How I solve all my problems pixies' "Doolittle," Pavement, "Crooked rain," Pearl Jam, "Ten," Declan Horn's "Junkie radio.
" Music? Oh, yeah, that was my soundtrack, man.
Every rebel needs a soundtrack.
You got the rockin' camry.
You just need to fill that thing with a playlist.
- At least my parents know their cars.
- Yeah.
Do you think they're gonna be this psychotic - for the rest of my life? - Probably.
But, hey, look on the bright side you'll outlive that dog.
Swagger and wisdom.
My friends are gonna be so jealous I'm dating a drummer.
Ooh, no, no, no, no.
Can't do that.
We can't I mean, for one, it's illegal.
It's not even like a May-September.
- Not even a December, really.
- Wait.
You don't like me? No.
I think you're a total bad-ass, you know.
It's just, you know, call me in a few years when there's less of an age difference.
Oh, well, I don't I don't call.
I text.
WellDeal.
Yeah, that's the problem, isn't it? It's the touring.
The Miles just add up, and then next thing you know I've got 11 toasters and 3 convection ovens.
Yeah, I gave my mom a table saw for Christmas.
The heckler 10"? You pay your sonic debts.
I pay mine, too.
The missing song is not missing anymore.
It's right in here.
All you got to do is play it.
Thank you.
I could come back if this is a bad time.
Thank you.
What was that all about? I was lost.
And they found me.
- You heard from Declan? - Not a word.
You? Nah.
I didn't expect to.
I hear him everywhere.
I can't get away from that song you helped him write.
It's all over that camry ad.
Wait.
What? The "Live in the moment" is a Toyota ad? How could you not know that? How could I not know it's nice to know I inspired him.
Oh, please.
When's the last time a man inspired another man? Come on.
It was me.
I wrote it with him.
Oh, well, I slept with him.
What is that saying "sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll"? Sex comes first and then rock 'n' roll Oh, it doesn't even come in second.
- It's just dead last.
- Mm-hmm.
- Stevie was right.
- Mm.
You know, you put them on a pedestal, they break that pedestal, and they throw it out the window.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- I'd do it again.
- I'd do him again.
Really? Yep.