Wilfred s01e09 Episode Script

Mr.
Newman, this is Dr.
Cahill.
Please call me as soon as possible or better yet, maybe you should drive up here so we can speak In person.
It's, uh, about your mother.
Hey, Jenna.
Hey.
Just to warn you What's with the cone? Sorry.
Wilfred's got a hot spot and he won't stop chewing on it.
So the vet said he has to wearthis for a few days.
Days? It's coming off one second after you leave.
He seems kind of grumpy.
Sometimes he gets like this when his mommy's going out of town.
"When his mommy's going out of town.
" Like I give a shit.
Thanks for watching him this weekend.
Drew and I need some time to work on our relationship without any distractions.
Plus Drew really loves Vegas.
Why are you still here? So, what are you and Wilfred gonna do today? Uh, we might have to go see my mother.
Your mother? You have a mother? Yeah.
She lives at a retreat in Ojai for artists, because she's an artist.
Well, I hope I get to meet her someday.
I'd love that.
Well, I should get going.
Mommy's gonna miss you.
An artist, huh? So, what got your mom locked up in the nut hut? Well, started with a bunch of little things like refusing to eat anything except avocado.
When she'd show up at my school dressed for Halloween three or four times a year.
Then Catherine had a complete breakdown.
My father wanted to impress his partners by having a formal dinner at our house.
She couldn't handle the pressure.
She was looking for a place to hide and crawled up the chimney.
The fire department had to pry her out.
I had a similar situation with my penis and a vacuum hose.
I had to cut the tube just to break free.
I still jizzed, but out of spite, not pleasure.
The point is, it was in front of my father's whole firm and all his clients.
He had no choice.
He brought her here for a psych evaluation.
She could have left after 72 hours but she chose to stay for 20 years.
What kind of mother abandons her family like that? I'll tell you what kind.
The kind who doesn't give a shit about your feelings.
The kind who leaves you while you cry your eyes out, missing her every night and you did nothing wrong, but Jenna left, anyway.
Jenna? Your mother's fine.
In fact, she feels, and we agree that she's ready to venture back out into the world.
What world? The world? Your world.
When patients leave our care the most successful transitions are facilitated by theirfamily members.
You want me to No.
I barely know her.
I only see her a couple times a year, and Why now? Well, this isn't some sort of whim, Mr.
Newman.
Your mother has wanted to do this for a very long time.
She's done a lot of really good work to get to this point.
Is this wise? It's been 20 years.
The world has changed.
High-def TV and Other things.
Well, she hasn't been in a coma.
We have cable.
Fellas, come here.
I just wanna talk to you.
I'm not gonna hurt youse.
I'm not gonna hurt youse! I'll kill you! Wilfred! Oh, hey, Ryan.
What's up, mate? Later, boys.
The doctorwants my mom to come stay with me.
And I assume you told him to blow you.
We don't need that crazy old broad cramping our style.
How can I say no? She is my mother.
Ryan, you don't owe her anything.
She left you.
She left her little boy.
Ryan! Oh! That's my baby! My gorgeous boy! Pried from my womb.
Heh.
I had planned a vaginal birth but Mr.
Breach Bottom here had other plans and so the doctor cut me open and pulled this beautiful miracle from my uterus like a rabbit from a hat.
Ha, ha! Oh, I missed you so much! Oh.
And who's your little doggy friend? This is Wilfred.
I'm watching him for my neighbor.
Be nice, Mittens.
Mittens? Seriously? Yeah, keep walking, Mittens.
You look like yourfather minus the thin lips and the soulless eyes.
Mom.
Sorry, sorry.
I should not have said that.
I don't hold any animosity toward yourfather.
It has taken me years of therapy but now I can actually appreciate yourfatherfor what he is the man who pays the bills.
I just met with Dr.
Cahill I just couldn't be the kind of wife that he wanted.
I'm too free-spirited, too outspoken, too human.
Heh.
Whoops.
Ha, ha! Indian chief.
Ha, ha.
That was a little racist, but it was fun.
How is that racist? Indians do that all the time.
Oh, let me just I'll get that.
So Dr.
Cahill told me about your progress, and Oh, oh, poor baby.
Ooh.
Oh.
Ryan, what's she doing? You know how creepy I find menopausal women.
Stop.
No, no, stop.
Ah, ah, ah! Yeah.
Isn't that better? It is.
But why would you? Mommy's here now, Wilfred.
So, anyway, um I have a lot going on right now so maybe it's best if you just stay here.
I understand.
It was a lot to ask.
No biggie.
What kind of animal are you? You would leave your own mum in here? You said She let a doctor stick his hands inside her uterus so you could live.
So, what, I should forgive herfor everything? You know, Ryan, for a guy who once tried to kill himself you don't have a whole lot of compassion.
Ryan Just so you know I would turn back time if I could.
For God's sake, man! This is your mother.
I guess I could reschedule a few things.
Oh, good! Mmm! Good morning.
What happened to my kitchen? Ryan, don't be such a grouch.
I know how to turn that frown upside down.
Fish sticks and peanut butter tacos, your favorite breakfast.
Thanks.
But these days, I eat breakfast for breakfast.
Can I help you find something? Uh, let's see, pork rinds, Funyuns and a 12-pack of Visine.
I was looking for a glass, but now I'm looking for your weed.
What? I don't Oh, relax, honey, I'm no narc.
Truth be told, I've been known to partake in a little of the funny tea myself.
I am dying to catch up on the family gossip.
Is Kristen still into black guys? No.
Mom, she's been married to Leo for six years.
Oh, that's right.
Well, it's been harderfor me to stay in touch with your sister.
Sad to say, she and I were never as close as you and me.
Even when you were a little boy, people always said that you were gonna grow up to be just like me.
And then, I go into the backyard and see that my mother has hung all her bras and panties out to dry on a tree.
What if Jenna had seen that? Jenna wouldn't have seen that.
Because Jenna's always out of town.
At least Catherine is here.
She is now, but when I was a kid Wah, wah, wah! You know what this is? Let me guess.
The length of my dick? No, it's the amount of compassion you've shown towards your mum.
And the length of your dick.
They happen to be equal in this case.
Doesn't happen often, but it's cool when this shit lines up.
Like an eclipse.
Just because she's had problems doesn't mean it's okay for her to embarrass me.
What? What are you afraid of? Afraid? When you talk about your mum, I hear anger, but I smell fear.
Only thing I'm afraid of is what embarrassing thing my mother's gonna do next.
Our mum is the furthest thing from embarrassing.
Our? Oh, my God! What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing, silly? I'm making a statement about corporate greed and the depth of selflessness through interpretive movement painting.
This is already online, isn't it? Come, join me, my child.
I thought you'd never ask.
Wilfred! I don't understand why you're so angry.
Rolling around in paint, in my front yard, in front of all my neighbors? You don't see how that might be a problem for me? Well, afterthe hissy fit you threw about a few dirty dishes in the kitchen this morning I didn't wanna get paint in the house.
Did Mum complain to you when you made a mess of her lady parts during childbirth? Okay, you know what? Go get dressed in some normal clothes.
We're going apartment hunting, right now.
Surprise! Oh! Hey, I thought you weren't back until Sunday.
Change of plans.
Is this a bad time? Well, actually Um, I think Wilfred needs to go out.
Oh, there's my little man! Ryan, who's the blond? She looks vaguely familiar.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Jenna.
I'm Ryan's mom.
Oh, it's so nice to finally meet you, Mrs.
Newman.
Mrs.
Newman is my slave name.
You can call me Catherine.
Oh, okay.
Ha, ha.
Oh! Ha, ha.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
Um, let go.
Let go.
Oh, Wilfie, did you miss your mommy? Sorry, I have a new mommy now.
Oh, oh! I think someone likes me.
Mmm! Wilfred, your nose tickles.
Ha-ha-ha! Mmm.
And then when Ryan was 8 I walked in and found him with his little penis pressed up against the TV screen.
Ha, ha! More rice? No, thank you, sweetheart.
Turns out, he was trying to wanky-wanky to Mona from Who's the Boss? Ha-ha-ha! Adorable.
Oh, that's so You just cut Mom off in the middle of a story! Settle down, Wilfred.
Settle down! Sorry, Mom.
Please continue.
Mom, can we maybe stop with the stories? Oh, gosh, he's upset because I told the Who's the Boss? Story.
Don't be so uptight.
Everybody masturbates.
Right, Jenna? Uh, I have a boyfriend.
She totally masturbates.
Okay, this isn't appropriate dinner conversation.
Now, where did all this embarrassment come from? You were such an open-minded little boy.
I used to take him with me to belly-dancing class.
Who takes a 9-year-old boy belly dancing? I wanted you to be connected to your body.
It was something you and I did together, and you loved it.
Come on, Ryan, come on.
Dance the Chicot with me again.
It's so freeing, Ryan.
Enough! Why can't you just act normal? I have to pee.
Does she really have to pee? I wonder.
You know, you sound just like your father.
Well, I'd rather be like Dad than like you.
When I was a little kid, I used to pray that you'd come home.
And now I'm glad that you stayed away.
You're crazy! Well, if that's the way you truly feel then I guess I should go back to the nut house in the morning.
What? No, I want to keep her.
Ryan, apologize.
I wish I could put into words how I feel about this visit.
I can't, but I will leave you with this.
Jenna, it was truly lovely meeting you.
It was nice seeing you.
I'll just I'll clear the plates.
You insensitive prick.
Mommy needs our love.
She's not your mommy.
She's barely mine.
I am nothing like her.
Tell me something, Ryan how old was Mum when she lost it? Twenty years ago, that makes her Well just a bit older than you are now.
So maybe you are like her.
That's the fear I'm smelling, isn't it? I'm not crazy.
Said the man to the dog.
I'm warning you, Ryan she's the best mum I've ever had and I'm not gonna let you take her away from me.
She's going back to the wellness centertomorrow and that's that.
Ugh! Ugh! God! Dr.
Cahill.
Thanks for meeting us.
Um, I'm sorry things didn't work out as expected.
Hmm.
No one's to blame.
It's difficult functioning in the world, my mom We're not here to talk about your mother.
What's going on with Ryan? This belong to you? Where'd you get this? I found Wilfred chewing on it last night.
You son of a bitch! How is that an insult? I've never understood that.
Why would you write a suicide note? Were you really thinking of killing yourself? Ryan, we're here to help you.
Yourthoughts of suicide are concerning.
But your eight-page diatribe in which you accuse the post office of, uh, secretly monitoring the population for the purposes of mind control, that's disturbing.
Sometimes the truth is disturbing.
Take off the blinders, Dr.
Cahill.
I did not write that.
This isn't happening.
Just wait till Jenna finds out.
Jenna.
Jenna? Jenna lives next door to Ryan.
She claims she doesn't masturbate.
Do you think that's relevant? My sense is that Jenna masturbation and the post office are all crucial pieces to this puzzle.
I don't have a problem with the post office.
Wilfred does.
He's setting me up! He's manipulating all of you because he's trying to steal my mother.
Whoa.
He's a dog.
L I know that.
I was just kidding.
Well, then you won't mind me putting you on an involuntary psychiatric hold until I can determine that for myself.
What? Of course I mind.
The law says if I determine you're a danger to yourself orto others, I can hold you for 72 hours.
I know it sounds scary, but it'll help you just like it helped me.
I am not like you, okay? You can't do this to me! There, there.
This is all your fault! You backstabber! Eat shit! Eat shit! Again, your tone says insult but what I'm hearing is a tempting offer.
Ryan, how are we feeling today? Aside from the fact that I started smoking, I feel pretty good.
You've made a lot of progress overthe last three days and based on years of experience, and your lack of health insurance it's my opinion that you're not a danger to yourself or to others, and I'm releasing you.
So I'm not nuts? Look, everybody's a little cuckoo, Ryan.
The people who hide it well those are the people I worry about.
Oh, Ryan, one last thing.
Find someone you can talk to.
Thanks, doc.
Can you ever forgive me? Can you forgive me for calling you crazy? Oh, it's okay.
I am, you know, a little.
Mom, if you'd stayed with Dad, that would have been crazy.
Heh.
Listen, Ryan, hope you don't mind but I think I'd like to stay here.
I like being somewhere where I don't have to apologize for being me.
I am what I am.
Me too.
Maybe you could come visit more often.
Maybe you can come visit me.
Boy, you really are the spitting image of your father.
It's kind of hard to look at you.
Oh, that's better.
So I guess you're pretty pissed at me for getting you locked up, huh? I was.
But now I'm kind of glad.
I think I finally understand my mother.
So, Mittens, did you miss me? Bitch, please.
I knew you'd be back.
Okay, now I want you to think of a card.
Got one.
Good.
Now forget it.
Okay.
Think of another card.
Okay.
Perfect.
Now forget that one too.
I want you to think of one more card.
Fine.
What card were you thinking of? Four of clubs.
Turn over the top card.
Ten of hearts.
Keep going until you hit the four of clubs.
Hey, come back.
I'll show you how it's done.