Workaholics s01e09 Episode Script

That's right I'm rolling with my guild three-deep You can try and creep to this wizard thug But you're gonna catch a motherfuckin' lightning slug Whoo Don't make this wizard mad Don't make this wizard pissed I can kill a hill giant with a flick of my wrist Go ahead dude, give it a try Motherfucker, wizards can't die Whoo Kind of surprised once in the eyes You're so hypnotized Said to me, I'll make you cry We wizards never die Hoo ha! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Cut! Cut! Cut, cut.
- What? Why are you ripping you shirt off? Why aren't you guys ripping you shirt off? We're trying to get people excited, right? The world needs to see the madness that is my upper torso, okay? Whatever, man.
And what is up with you, miss pouting princess in the corner? Where is your head at? I mean, come on, the ren faire is in two weeks.
And we are opening for Mike "The Throat" Davenport.
He is the premiere sword swallower in the county! I get that, but this entire thing is completely disrespectful to the rap game.
Are-- are you being for real? I'm as real as the streets, okay? And I'm not about to whore out my rap skillz, with a "Z," to some adult nerds gone wild.
Yeah, Ders, but these adult nerds have huge adult nerd boobs, dude.
Okay, remember high school drama nerds? Those girls and some big ol' boobs, right? - Yeah, yeah, they did.
- You got me back, and I'm back.
Hey! Guys! What part of irwindale renaissance pleasure faire sounds like a joke to you guys? Huh? Okay, look.
I want you guys to start acting your age! All right? Which is 4,178 years old.
If you would have even bothered to crack the players handbook open that I left on your bed, AnDers! I'm fresh you gotta, you gotta, you gotta you gotta be fresh Ah, this guy's really putting the "work" in workout, huh? Yeah.
I respect his commitment, though.
It's cool.
Did he just bring those from home? Oh, yeah.
And the wizard beats, he says they make him stronger, whichSeems they do.
- That I understand.
- Yeah.
Mind if I light up? Free country.
Ahh.
Ahh.
Whew.
Who's that lady? Why is she just standing there? That's Sharon Levano.
She owns the building.
What the [Bleep.]
Is he doing? Uh, we're on a stress break.
We had a super busy morning, so we're just cuttin' loose.
Yeah, I mean, we were really pulling our hair out.
But I'm sure he'll be done in a minute and get in here, flex that sales muscle for ya.
Do they know each other? Have they met? Oh, my-- Okay! - Jesus Christ.
- Wow.
Oh, my gosh, is that a-- over-the-pants handy? Ohh.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Yeah, Adam.
Uh, you're just--you're missing wizard rehearsal again.
So I'm just kind of worried sick about you, wondering where you are.
So--oh, here you are.
You are here.
You're-- you're here in person.
I'll talk to youNow.
Hey.
Dude, what the hell? Where have you been? It's been like three days.
Have you guys ever met someone that just gets you on all levels? Makes you feel like your souls are boning each other in the spirit world.
Are you talking about that super-old lady from the roof? Sharon is as old as my mom is.
And her and my dad have sex on the regular.
Oh, and, fwi, I'm in love.
I did it.
So I'm gonna be moving out.
Okay, it's not not "fwi.
" It's f.
Y.
I.
"For your information.
" Okay, Ders.
I know how to spell, all right? And in the 75 hours that I've known Sharon, she's done more for me and my bodybuilding career Than you guys ever have.
Dude, you can't just move out.
What about rent? Yeah, what about, uh, the wizards? Ren faire? You guys should come over sometime.
We've been thinking of doing some more entertaining.
Oh, and fwi, Ders We've got a great pool.
Huh! Wow, he's really doing this.
So what are we thinking? I'm thinking we gotta break these two up.
Lover boy is in for a rude awakening.
Rude! All right, here's the deal.
I'm gonna get in there, seduce Sharon old norse style, bed her down, and Adam will never want a piece of her again.
Wait, why do you always get to seduce the girls.
Because I have no emotions.
You'll let your heart get in the way.
You know that.
Yeah, that's true.
I can't just love 'em and leave 'em.
Never could.
Actually, I've never had the opportunity yet.
Sharon! My work friends are here! Hey, buddy.
These are for you.
Wow, lookin' good.
Thank you! Let me show ya in.
'Cause this pad is Sick! - He looks Asian.
Wow.
- He looks somethin'.
Whee! Welcome to my house! Cool pad, right? We're just thinking of knocking some walls out this bitch.
Just really making it our own, you know what I mean? It was her house.
Now it's gonna be our house.
So we kind of have to adjust to that whole sitch.
Hey, buddy, someday, I hope I have a house like this.
Keep dreamin'.
Takes a lot of hard work.
So I doubt you're ready for it, but Where's this little pond you call a pool? Pool? Right out here.
Guess what--Sharon has this dude that comes and cleans it.
Weekly.
Let's go check it out.
- Nope! Hey - Hang on.
Why don't you let Ders hit the pool? You need to show me the rest of this house, if that's okay.
Oh, you want the el touro de la grando, huh? I think so.
Spanish.
Learn Spanish.
I'm gonna check out the pool.
Spanish style.
Spanish style home.
I'll see you guys.
And this is the bedroom.
Uhh! Where the magic happens.
- Ho ho ho! - Yeah, a lot of magic.
Lots o' magic.
Careful, this door handle's a little loose.
Why? 'Cause of magic.
Magic happened on this step.
And some magic here.
So this is her son's bedroom, a.
K.
A.
Magic town.
I get up something like this And just do a lot of magic this way.
Oh, what do you think that smell is, Blake? - Magic.
- Nope, Turkey bacon.
Good guess, though.
Hey, legs, Anders Holmvik.
Junior national champion, 2005.
How's it going? OhYou work for Adam, right? "Work.
" Is that what he said? That's great.
No, I'm like a, uh Father figure to the kid.
- Hmm.
- So yard you got here.
Do you ever see any butterflies? You see that? I just flipped off that.
Whoo! You got that butterfly joke, right? Yeah, I don't swim, so Well, it's never too late to learn.
OhOkay, but I'm taking my drink with me.
Deal.
And this right here is my office.
This is where daddy comes to work! Oh ho! Yeah, it is.
Welcome to the muscle factory.
Mm-hmm.
Got your wizard beats right here.
Using them for the bodybuilding competition.
Just gettin' swoll with it, brotha.
Cool of you to disrespect the wizard beats like that.
That's not what they're for.
Yeah? Well, I'm using 'em.
Let's go to the pool and see what Ders is up to, right? No! Hey, wait.
Why don't you show me how this guy works, huh? - Ohh! Come on, dude.
- Oh, shoot.
What did I say? This is my tool shed.
These are my tools, and you throw them on the ground? I thought it was your office.
It's both, all right? Show me how these tool/office supplies work, bud.
Okay.
This is my pen.
And this is my wrench.
Uhhaah! Woof! Sometimes, I like to keep the windows open and just scream loud so, like, people think we're having sex or working out.
They're not sure--it's just real guttural noises.
Like, uhh! Uhhuhh! Ooohh! - Very cool.
- Mm-hmm.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna be gentle.
You just arch your back.
Lean back.
Take a deep breath.
Are you trying to seduce me? I'm trying to "seders" you.
Uhhaah! Oh! Hello! Legs, heh heh.
Bungee cord does the trick, I'll say that much.
They say your calves are But, uh, you know, evidently my grandpa demap was a total pussy.
The guy was not svelte.
I don't know if I should-- - so I have a lot of work to do before the competition.
I'll figure something out.
You sure about this? Yeah, make sure you get low, dude.
Get in that power squat.
Okay.
And then just stay low to the ground, work on your stems-- know what I mean? Yeah.
Ders is diggin' the pool.
Oh, no, you probably shouldn't-- - whoo! - Okay-- - what the hell? Holmvik! Adam, don't.
Ders! No, wait, hold up.
You shouldn't-- okay! God damn-- Ders! He's coming! Do her quick! Anders holmvik! Guess what, dude? We're gonna fight now.
Are you ready for that? Um, I'm kind of in the middle of a lesson right now.
Ok, well, I'm kind of in the middle of destroying your whole face.
Move your legs like an egg beater.
Are you a man, Anders? You are frickin' dead, boy! You are so dead.
Bring it.
- You are so dead, dude.
- Okay, hold the phone.
You are fully torqued, bro.
Well, yeah, I was about to bone that lady! - Ohh.
- Yeah, okay, yes.
But you're gonna have to untorque your bone before we can continue anything.
I think everybody knows that it's an unwritten rule: Warriors cannot collide while erect.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Take five.
- Crank down.
Crank it down.
I mean, it's a great backyard.
Yean, it's pretty nice.
Thinking about putting a koi pond over there.
- You got the room for it.
- Waterfall.
- Might as well.
- Yeah.
And the boner's down! Fight! Ohh! Come on! Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby, what? - Whoa! - Oh, yeah.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Choke it.
Break up! Break it up! Break it up! - What? - What? You guys both have boners now.
- What is going on? - Wow! It's contagious, dude! You're too fleshy.
Put on a shirt.
This guys smells great.
It's like a coconut oil.
What is that? Thank you.
It's my tanning cream.
Oh! Boners are down.
I'm gonna ruin you, man.
I'm gonna straight do what I came here to do.
I'm gonna straight wreck you! You're gonna die at my feet, you small-minded-- - okay, I've got a boner.
- I've got one too.
Soon as I said "my feet," it was like Yeah, all the blood just sort of-- that happened to me too.
That's what's weird about it.
- That's cool.
- This is really weird.
You know what? We're not gonna fight right now.
That's official.
I'm torqued.
You're torqued right now.
But I know you can leave.
You can leave my house and respect my woman.
That's what you can do.
Fine.
- Leave.
- Gladly.
Well, I have a little announcement for you, sir, because you broke the blood oath, and I want you to leave our wizard crew.
What? Yeah.
Like I care.
And I'm taking the beats back.
- Ah, don't take the beats.
- Yeah.
No, don't take the beats.
Ohh! Don't take the beats! I'm super-sad about the beats! I don't care, dude, because I have a bodybuilding competition on the same day.
And that's more important to me than dressing up like a fairy wizard.
- Wow.
- You know what, man? It did not have to go like this.
We're out of here.
You're such a dumb idiot! Wow, okay.
I don't care.
I hope this goes away soon.
You infected me with your boner.
We are going to be just fine.
Okay? We do not need Adam.
Oh, no.
We're great.
We're awesome, heh.
Just the two of us.
Best roommates ever.
Nothin's gonna change.
Nope.
Nothing is going to change! It's not changing, buddy.
I know, I got that.
You're in the back.
Okay.
Blake! Beer me, dude! One for big Ders, and one for little Adam.
Wait Ooh, what a friend I have in you I hope you feel the way Ohh! Suck it! A good best friend in you So Just two dudes in a jacuzzi.
Yeah.
This is not working.
No, this is not working at all.
We gotta get a new roommate.
Hey! - Karl! - How's it going, baby? How you doin'? Thanks for having me over, guys.
I'm ready to, uh, to join human society one more time.
Call this couch.
Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop! Surprise sandwich! Ha ha! Blake, I never agreed to this.
Oh, you guys, I'm so starving.
I'm so starving.
I'm so starving.
- Came here - To do what? Hey, left arm, how ya doin'? Oh, you're gettin' so much stronger.
Right arm, you're kind of looking weak over there, buddy.
My office, five minutes.
Brush your teeth, cut your fingernails, and powder your balls.
I might even floss for you.
Whaaat? Ohh! Yeah, that's it.
We're done.
Thank you.
Wow, that was-- that was exhausting.
My jaw hurts pretty bad.
It was-- ah, that was fun, though.
That was, like, intimate.
You were right up in here, so Hey, where's that going? Where's that--keep-- - I'm taking it off.
It's like it hurts pretty-- - yeah, that's okay.
You'll form a callus.
It's supposed to happen.
Keep it on.
Be tough.
Okay.
Hey, maybe next time we can use the strap-on that God gave me, my-- - pass.
Pass.
No.
My Just gonna get 'em taken up a little bit.
I appreciate all your hard Hey, guys, check out my new wizard costume.
What's up? Karl We're not barbarians.
What are you doing? You're dressed like some kind of God damn farm shaman.
No, I'm a high priest.
Whoo! And I won! Yeah, baby, I wasn't even racin' anyone, but I would have won if I were.
I'd just like you to know that you are trespassing.
All right? And we are gonna just assume that you are an intruder at this point.
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just here to get some clean shirts for work.
So if you wouldn't mind excusing me.
Hey, watch the candles.
Oh, Jesus, Karl.
That's pretty cool, right? You know what? I think it's super-cute that you guys are taking this whole wizard/caveman thing so seriously, I really do.
Yoooo! Well, we are, and guess what-- Karl is taking the wizards to a whole new level.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
Speaking of that level, guys, did I show you my crossbow? You're ruining my life.
Okay, so remember, wizards are immortal.
So they pretty much see everything they've ever loved pass away before them.
- Uh-- - All right? Sad.
But it's raw.
Use that emotion, okay? - Cool, cool.
- Thanks.
Awesome.
Karl, go ahead and hit it.
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
Ohh.
The cd is gone.
Adam.
Whoo! Let's do this, boys! Lookin' swoll, lookin' good.
Good luck out there.
I believe in all of us.
We're all gonna--we're all gonna take a trophy home.
Are you the mascot for the competition or something? Is that what you do? Are you the mascot for the competition somethin? Do we have a beef already, dude? All right, well Just be careful out there, all right? Careful? I never am.
Whoo! Aggh.
Welcome to the tri-valley amateur bodybuilders competition.
Give it up for our contenders! Hey, there's Barry.
I sold that guy a garbage bag full of growth hormones.
Hey, you're lookin' huge, Barry! Wow, this is pathetic.
Adam looks like a baby man up there.
Let's focus here.
Let's just get the beats and then get out of here.
We are like three hours away from performing in front of horses and knights.
Uh, I think we're gonna stay for the solo.
This is gonna get interesting.
Hyuaaah! He's insane, ahh Shar-bear, it's me.
I don't see you out there.
I'll smash my solo, win an awesome bodybuilding trophy.
You're gonna be so proud of me.
All right.
Thank you, Barry.
Hope you're on your way.
Miss you, see you soon.
Okay.
Please welcome to the stage our next contestant.
He's five feet eight, weighing in at 240 pounds.
Well, that can't be right.
Uh, Adam "the snake" Roberts demap! Unh! - All right.
- Here we go.
Rahr! Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm! You know what? I stand corrected.
The guy is a showman.
His body is lookin' tight.
Rooh! Okay, that'sNot good.
What are you laughing at? I'm yoked! Don't laugh at my friend.
Okay? Only i laugh at my friend.
He's got, like, ten times more of the bravery than you.
I don't--I don't see you with your shirt off.
You probably got big, dark nipples! Adam, you keep doing what you're doing, bud.
No, no, no.
They're laughing out of respect.
It's a respect laugh! Howie mandel gets them all the time! Hey, big guy.
Quit your cryin'.
We're here to make it better.
You're going back out there.
I'm so sorry I bailed on you guys.
But I can't go back out there.
They hate me.
It's okay, man.
You gotta go back out there, though.
With us.
I'm a wizard, bitch You can't defeat me 'Cause I'm predator too Like Danny Glover on the G.
T.
And when I rap, son I cast spells And when I'm bangin' yo' wench I make it rain like helts You know who it be It's that crazy-ass mage Walkin' out the goblin fortress With my loaded 12-guage I be flyin' on a dragon You be ridin' in a rental While you dance up in the club I summon blizzard elemental Straight out of mordor for more Wizards come to your door Don't step to us 'Cause we the number one sorcerers Now we coastin' Yeah Whoo! Whoo! - Whoo! - Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thanks.
I appreciate it.
Thank you very much, guys.
Whoo hoo! Ooh, I think it's safe to say you guys murdered it in there.
Yeah, I like your passion, but an overall note: Maybe just do it better for me next time, okay? - Okay.
- I'm sorry.
You know what? I've been so critical lately.
I gotta chill.
Dude, forget it.
This guy got a trophy.
We're all good.
Hey, I'm sorry all my awesome muscles got in the way of our friendship for a while.
I'm not gonna let it happen again.
Ya hear that? I'm just happy to be a part of it, finally.
No, Karl, you're out.
He's in, you're out.
Yeah, yeah.
- Thanks, guys.
- Sorry, Karl.
OhHere comes Sharon.
Hop on, monkey.
You missed the most important moment of my life.
Come on, babe.
Get on the bike.
I've got a plane waiting for us.
We're going to Iowa to [Bleep.]
In the mud.
Really? It's okay.
You want a life with Sharon? We support you.
Yeah.
Go for it, man.
She's hot.
I rked it to her last night.
You were great, by the way.
Always am.
Sharon, I'd love to go to the east coast with you.
I really would, but I'm not gonna get on that bike.
We're through.
Fine.
You're up.
Come on, dude.
- Me? - Yeah.
Whoo! Let's roll! Sayonara, boys.
Well, uh, you smell like water trash.
I've changed my mind.
Get off.
- Sorry.
- That's all right, just Makes sense.
Jesus.
Sharon, I hated chindoing you anyways! It was weird! It's chindo.
It's like a thing that you strap on to your-- - Hey, man If you don't want to tell us, you don't have to.
We'll just Google it later.
Times of friendship.
You guys are my best friends.
Forever.
Uhh! Ah, dude, Ders, you got a boner.
- Ohh! - So do I.
Sorry, guys.