Young Dracula (2006) s01e09 Episode Script

- Hey! - Go burst your boils, Renfield, I'm playing hide and seek with Vlad! Not any more! Your mum's here.
Good.
This is my kitchen, not a playground.
So get lost.
And take your bag with you.
- I do miss my Graham when he's away at plumbing conventions.
- Really? Today they're discussing some exciting innovations in Whoops! I must get this fixed.
Would you mind? Everything all right? Everything is practically perfect.
NO! Let me! Oh.
Dad's all thumbs.
Thanks, Vlad, you're a sweet boy.
Come on, Robin, we don't want to be late for dinner.
.
.
Bye.
Dinner.
- Just what - I - was thinking.
Dad! Aargh! - What's this? - Crunchy mice in cream.
But where are the cockroaches? They're the crunch! Without them, it's just small rodents in cow juice.
- A thousand apologies - Stuff your apologies! I want my cockroaches! They've gone, Master! Abandoned ship.
You're a housekeeper who can't keep house, your cooking is disgusting and a dead badger would be better company! Remind me, why do I put up with you? Because I'm cheap.
Aargh! Please, Master! If you twist any harder, my ear's going to come off! He's right! Go on, just one more turn.
I can't, I'm too weak with hunger! I mean, when am I going to get someone decent to eat? I think you mean someTHING.
I know what I mean! I can't bear this hunger! I know it's hard, but this peasant-free diet's working for you.
You've got less colour in your cheeks, - and that pasty Goth look's really in right now.
- Well, you know, I've always been a handsome rogue.
It's this classic bone structure - I can carry off any look.
You're lucky, Vlad, you've inherited it from me.
- Shame - Go lie on a sun bed! Oh, my poor stomach! I want blood, and I want it NOW! Cockroaches - the basic ingredient for so many practical jokes.
Robin, hurry up! You're going to be late! Want to know what I've got planned for this weekend? Let me guess.
We'll stake out the castle, as usual look for vampires, as usual find nothing, as usual go home and watch Dr Who DVDs, as usual.
- That's where you're wrong.
- Really? - The DVD's broken.
- I want to forget about vampires and do something other fathers and sons do, like - like fishing.
- Do you like fishing, then? I don't know! Nobody's ever taken me.
Ingrid, are you, er, going to the school disco next week? They've begged me, so I'm thinking about it.
If you do go, is there any chance you'd go with - Me! - Jog on, loser! I asked first.
- Only cos you tied me to the gate! - Boys, boys! There is no point in arguing.
I'd rather let a tarantula lay eggs in my ear than be seen in public with either of you.
Now get out of my face.
Ahhh Yes! Three more hours to go, then two whole days of no school.
I kind of miss it.
And people think I'M weird.
OK if I hang out at yours this weekend? Dad's desperate for blood, it'll be a disaster if any breathers get in his way.
What's the worst that can happen? What part of "my Dad's a blood-sucking killing machine" don't you get? Your Mum has to stay away.
Mr Count! Mr Count! Open the door! My house is infested with horrible bugs! - You've got to help me! - Of course, dear lady.
- Please come in - Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you so much Out of ten, how bad would it be if I'd just got a message saying on no account do we go home, but go straight to the castle - where Mum is waiting for us? - I love these games! If you had to, who would you kiss, a ferret or your nan? Oh, you mean Mum's really About to get her veins sucked dry! Come on.
Let's go! - Hang on! - Robin! - OK, OK, I'm coming.
- I wonder why those three are in such a hurry.
- We don't care! - We're going fishing.
- Maybe just a quick - No! Or I'll tell the headmistress that you got year eight to make slaying stakes for their woodwork project! SCREECHING SCREAM Mum! Hello! I was just showing Mr Count how I screamed when I discovered - our house was overrun with horrible cockroaches.
- Cockroaches?! I had to get out! We're not going back till Mr Renfield's got rid of them.
- Sowhere are you staying? - Your dad said we can stay here.
- He's such a wonderful neighbour.
- Yes! - No! There'sno room.
- It's a castle! - Um Will you two stop following me like a couple of lovesick puppies?! Oh, great.
The whole stinking litter's here! We're staying the night! Our house is infested with cockroaches.
I know exactly how it feels.
See what trouble you cause when you run away from Daddy, my lovelies? Hmm? I can't let the master down.
I have to find each and every one of you, then I'll be trusty old Renfield again.
I don't know why you both look so uptight.
I've been meaning to have Mrs Branagh for dinner for some time.
That's what worries me! You make my friend's mum into one of the undead, it'll seriously affect our relationship! How about a thought for the real victim? I have to put up with Dumb and Dumber worshipping the ground I glide on 24/7.
Do you have any idea how tiring it is being adored? Ingrid, I hate to see you so stressed about this when you have much more to worry about.
- Like what? - While Renfield's away, you're going to be responsible for his household chores.
I've made a list.
I don't believe you! You're evil! - It goes with the fangs.
- Ugh! Dad, listen.
If the Branaghs find out you're the "Big D", it'll be, "Hello, pitchfork-wielding mob" again, only, round here it'll probably be baseball bats.
Promise me you'll behave yourself.
Cross my heart and hope to live.
Mmm! Smells delicious(!) Eurgh, rank! There must be something round here we can eat.
DOOR OPENS - Hi, boys.
- What have we done? - Nothing.
I've just been thinking - maybe I WILL go to the disco with one of you.
- Really? - Who? Depends who wants it the most.
I've got a pile of ironing needing done.
The iron's in the kitchen! I can't believe we're gonna spend the whole weekend fishing.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Pleasure, son.
- And you're not going to mention vampires or slaying? - Slayer's I mean, Scout's honour.
- Aren't you gonna take your coat off? - In a minute.
I'm a bit chilly.
Open your coat.
- Yeah, but I'm - Now! How did that lot get there? I had no idea you'd provide me with such a satisfying feast, Mrs Branagh.
- Mmm.
- Cooking dinner was the least I could do, seeing as Mr Renfield's so busy down at ours.
Honestly, that was the best Kasha Kishka I've eaten in centuries.
Centuries? Oh, did I say that? I meant it FEELS like centuries.
- THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY - What is a Kasha Kishka? I found it in a Transylvanian cookbook in the cupboard.
It's animal intestine stuffed with buckwheat groats and pigs' blood.
Eurgh! I think I'm going to be sick.
I do love pig, it's my second-favourite blood.
I know exactly what you mean.
- You do? - Sheep's blood's got a much subtler taste.
I spent every summer on my grandmother's farm and she cooked everything in sheep's blood.
Right, who's for pudding? Cows' heart ice-cream! Is there anything you two won't eat? You're going to have to give pudding a miss.
- The crypt's not going to sweep itself out.
- I'll do it, Ingrid.
- No you won't! - I - will! I take my hat off to you.
I can't even get them to blow the skin off their rice pudding.
Ah, well, all the more for you, Mr Count.
Wonderful! This really is the most excellent meal! I take that as a great compliment coming from a sophisticated man of the world, like you.
Let me give you a hand with dessert.
See? He's not interested in feeding on Mum.
He treats her better than Dad does! If we don't do something to protect her, she's going to become a member of the living-dead club.
Tonight.
Vlad, she'll be fine.
I'm off to bed.
Sleep well.
- I'll help you, Vlad.
- Are you sure? It's going to be dangerous.
- Arr - Ssh! That's Dad.
He always does a few practice swoops before he goes out hunting.
- Where's Robin? - Asleep.
He still thinks we're panicking over nothing.
Typical! Come on.
Let's get to your mum before Dad does.
Time for dinner! Curses! It's kind of you to give me a tour of the castle, - but couldn't we do it in the morning? - Oh, no, you really get to really appreciate this place at night.
Right, Chloe? - Right, Chloe? - Stop doing that! I said, this place is at its best at night, right? Oh, yeah, it's really stimulating.
- GURGLING - Please tell me that was the water in the pipes.
Doubt it.
There's load of things lurking down here.
- You don't always have to be so honest.
- We'll be all right.
- Come on, Mum.
- What's the hurry? I'm enjoying myself.
Last time I stayed up this late was Glastonbury '87.
No-o-o! Blast those secret passages! You can come out now, Mum! You're right - they are surprisingly comfortable, aren't they? Beautifully made.
Your Dad's a real craftsman, isn't he? Come on.
Watch your step.
That's it.
- Oh, come on, Mum! - Turn right.
Hurry up! I can't wait to get to bed.
This way, Mrs Branagh.
I can just imagine myself back in the Middle Ages.
Isn't this fun? - What was that? Everything all right? - Everything's practically perfect.
- BELL RINGS - I've been ringing.
Why haven't you come running? - The battlements need cleaning.
- Give me a break.
I was up until five getting hair out of the plugholes.
OK, you rest.
As long as you don't mind Paul taking me to the disco.
He's busy alphabetising my nail varnish.
Divide and conquer - works every time.
Oooooh! Someone didn't sink their fangs last night.
I may have lost the battle, but the war isn't over.
Morning, Master! I'm back! Oh, Renfield, I can't tell you how little that means to me.
Now, fetch me some pain-killers, I've got toothache.
I've caught the cockroaches at the breathers' hovel.
- Oh, well done.
- Thank you, Master.
Now, go back and release them again.
We're staying another night?! Mr Renfield couldn't get rid of all the creepy cockroaches in one day.
I'm quite pleased - it's like a little holiday, isn't it? Morning! I haven't slept that well in ages.
- Cup of tea in the pot, love.
- Thanks! Have you heard? We're staying one more night.
Told you Mum'd be fine.
That's because we have been up all night! Stopping Dad from giving your mum a one-way ticket to eternal misery! Really? So staying another night is not a good thing, then? Depends on your point of view.
Morning, Mrs Branagh! - Morning, Mr Count.
How are you today? - Suffering with a little toothache.
I'll see if I can take your mind off it.
- What are you doing? - Ssh! Relax.
Oh, that's good, that is really rather good.
Works wonders for my Graham when his sinuses flare up.
How do you fancy black pudding for breakfast? Nice and juicy of course.
Wonderful! I really could get used to you indulging me like this.
- You won't miss me once you've got Mr Renfield back.
- That imbecile! Believe me, Mrs Branagh, he doesn't hold a candle to you.
Back! Get back! Get back! Evil Lord of the undead.
- Huh? What? - I don't believe it - you even dream about vampires! Was I?! Sorry.
- I suppose I am a bit preoccupied.
- Try "totally obsessed".
It's not easy for me, trying to be a single parent, teacher AND vamp - thingy slayer.
- Which one's more important to you, Dad? - Father, obviously.
- Doesn't feel like that sometimes.
- I can understand why Mum left you now.
- Your Mum left because of that smarmy estate agent and his convertible Mercedes! She left because you went slaying every weekend and told her to wear garlic to bed! You know, we could make this a regular thing if you like - say, once a month? Huh? And no mention of slaying.
Is my collar straight? - It can be so annoying not having a reflection.
- It's fine.
- She's like a breath of stagnant air, don't you think? - Who? Well, Mrs Branagh, of course! Are you feeling OK?! - Never been better! - Does this mean - you're going to put your fangs in neutral, and not feed on her? - Yes.
She's worth more than a one-night bite.
I'm going to marry her instead! A breather?! I'm not having a breather for a stepmother! Well, I don't remember asking for your opinion.
- You can't marry Mrs Branagh! She's already married! - Can't?! I am the Prince of Darkness, Lord of the Damned.
I do what I like! She's perfect for me.
Cooks, cleans, laughs at my jokes.
For the first time in centuries, I feel appreciated.
- She will be my wife.
- NO! Well, as you would say, my dear children, talk to the cape cos the face ain't listening! - HE LAUGHS - Right! I've just had a thought.
If we can't stop this marriage, you two'll be stepsisters.
Urgh! I'd rather be undead! According to this, to marry your mum, my Dad must get her to drink some of his blood, then she'll become his slave, never to leave his side.
That's all right then - Mum's not likely to drink his blood.
Dad will have thought of that! He's got something up his sleeve.
You have to get her out of here before it's too late! - Mum? - What do you think? I got these from an old trunk Magda left behind.
The Count has invited me for Transylvanian cocktails in his study.
See? - You can't go.
- Why ever not? Because he's a vampire! Honestly! You kids and your imaginations! I blame those computer games.
- Stupid woman! - Don't call my Mum stupid! - Ladies! So, what d'you suggest we do now? Don't worry, leave it to me.
I've got a plan.
When Dad realises that his son and heir has wrecked his chances of marriage, he'll throw a tantrum and lock me in this castle forever.
But on the other hand, I can't let him take Mrs Branagh away from her family, can I? Tough call.
Why can't I have a dad who works in IT, like everyone else? - are you going in or not? They'll be here soon.
- SLAM! Sssh! What are YOU doing here? Thought you might need a hand.
I didn't think you cared if your mum got bitten.
I do.
Tell me about this plan of yours.
- Actually, er - You haven't got a plan, have you? HOWLING That's Zoltan's signal - they're here! Hide! Come on! Welcome to my inner sanctum, Mrs Branagh.
Oh, Mr Count, I am honoured.
I thought we'd start with some of my own brew A very sophisticated Transylvanian claret.
I think you'll find it very agreeable.
Very agreeable indeed.
Cheers! To a long relationship between our houses, my dear Elizabeth.
Right, on the count of three, we jump up and scream.
One Two - Three! - Aaargh! They've followed me! Urgh! Mrs Branagh! Renfield! I never thought I'd say this, but Renfield's a genius.
- Why didn't - I - think of that? Oh, Graham, I'm so glad you're back.
Those cockroaches followed me here! Nasty little critters.
Well, I'm just glad Chloe called me.
I obviously got back just in time.
- Come on, let's go home.
- Vlad, thank your father again.
We've done everything you wanted.
Tell us who's won.
Who are you going to the disco with? OK, this hasn't been an easy decision.
I've decided to award you points.
Paulyou got six out of ten.
And Ianyou got six out of ten! - But it's a tie.
- That means neither of us wins.
Exactly! This has been great.
I haven't been this relaxed in ages.
- Has it put the vampire thing into perspective for you? - Definitely.
For the first time in years, I haven't got a stake or garlic on me and I'm not bothered! - Run for your life, Jonno! - HE SCREAMS What's up with him? We only wanted to know if this is the way to Smethwick.
Has he got something against fancy dress? MAN YELLS AND SCREAMS I wish Dad would shut the crypt door when he's punishing Renfield.
You can hear the screams all over the castle.
YOU put the cockroaches in the study! You cunning, devious I'm impressed! Needs must.
There was no way I was having a breather for a stepmother.
- Bit rough on Renfield, though, getting all the blame.
- Yeah.