A.P. Bio (2017) s01e10 Episode Script

1 All right, all right, everyone start to shut up.
I have some news today that is gonna make you guys so happy.
You're gonna teach us biology? [LAUGHS.]
Nice, Sarika.
No, guys, be serious.
Come on.
Teach you biology.
I was just at the bagel shop, and I ran into my ex, Meredith.
You seem to run into her a lot.
It's kind of bordering on stalking.
Marcus, you'd be lucky to have someone stalking you.
Oh, trust me.
Being stalked is no picnic.
I'm not stalking you.
We have the same class schedule.
Interesting.
Yeah, well, anyway, Meredith mentioned that she and her boyfriend are going through a bit of a rough patch.
So I said, "Oh, my goodness.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
" Let me know if I can help.
" So basically, I'll be a shoulder to cry on for a while and then transition to full-on boning.
Huh.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, well, there should have been applause there.
Okay, guys, let's do a Miles update, shall we? No, tell me, what is the first thing that comes up when you Google "Miles Leonard"? "Miles Leonard Stanford.
" "Miles Leonard handsome genius.
" "Miles Leonard shirtless.
" Okay, all right, thank you, Heather.
"Miles Leonard great penis.
" Got it.
Got it.
We we all got it.
Okay, everybody take out your phones.
I want you to Google "Miles Leonard pedophile," and just keep typing that in until it's the first result that comes up.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to be chatting with my friend.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ohh, damn, homeboy.
[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART".]
One, two, three, four! Next time I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart So you guys watch "Wyoming" last night? - Mm-hmm.
- Best show ever.
When the rancher tells Father Tran that Sister Agnes is missing, I'm like I know.
It's, like, who kidnaps a nun? I have a theory about that.
What if the whole show is an erotic nightmare that the - Guys, guys, guys, guys.
- Security guard is having? No "Wyoming" spoilers, please.
Ralph, how behind are you? My wife won't let me watch it, says it gets me too riled up, and I yelp and gasp too much.
Well, that's how you know it's good.
As I said, the whole time I'm watching, I'm like [GASPS.]
No, him? Okay, fine.
Maybe I'll sneak watch it when she goes and visits her mom this summer, but for now, can we just change the subject, please? Remember when Sister Agnes coughed up those snakes La-la-la-la La-la-la-la - La-la-la-la - My theory - La-la-la - [TOGETHER.]
Ralph.
God.
Was he about to do the whole song? "Well, if he doesn't appreciate you, then that's his loss.
" Shoulder shrug emoji.
Hey, Jack, can I ask you something? I am all ears.
Well, there's this show, "Wyoming," that I want to watch, but my wife has asked me not to, which is pretty lame, right? - Yeah.
- I know, right? You know, but I can't just go, "Hey, Brenda, "I don't care what you say.
I'm gonna watch whatever I want.
" Whew.
Why not? Why not? Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna do this.
Okay, it's a big day.
It's a big, big day, Jack.
Yes! Thank you, Jack.
Yes! Okay.
What's all this creepy smiling you're doing? And why aren't you guys Googling? We did the math, and it would take us eight months to alter the Google search algorithm.
And frankly, that dog don't hunt.
Well, then that dog gets put down.
Did you just threaten to kill us? No, I just I got caught up in the metaphor.
We do have an idea for a different mission, one that combines revenge and learning.
If we got ahold of some of Miles' DNA, we could frame him for a crime and ruin his life.
We'd also learn a tiny bit of biology along the way.
But the important thing is, we'd destroy Miles' ass.
We'd destroy his ass, man.
Hmm.
I'm a little worried about the whole "learn biology" part, but I am intrigued by the ass destruction.
Okay, fine, you guys can do the DNA mission.
[BELL RINGS.]
Hey, guys, if I send Meredith two Apple emojis next to each other, is it clear that I'm referring to her butt? It's definitely sexual.
You know, make it all applesaucy.
Bake it, Daddy.
Okay, bob for cinnamon.
[LAUGHTER.]
Can anyone explain why everything in the nuns' convent is red? Ralph, you watched "Wyoming"? Yes.
[TOGETHER.]
Yay.
I told Brenda, "Look, I know this show riles me up", "but you're just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it, baby.
" Just like Jack told me to.
I told you what now? Yesterday in the hall you said, you know, "You've got to stand up to your wife.
" You have a wife? You know, and I can see why you guys like the show, you know? It's it's good.
It's a little gross and scary, but it's a good gross, and it's a fun scary, you know.
Anyway, Brenda kicked me out.
Yeah, so I I got to go.
I've got to gather up the rest of my stuff, so Jack, what did you do? Come on, nobody's gets kicked out of their house for watching a TV show.
That's crazy.
You meddled in a complicated marriage, and apparently, it was the straw the broke the camel's back.
Go talk to Durb immediately.
What? No.
Fine, don't.
Well, now I'm going to.
See how you can't control me.
Wow, you got me.
Oh, Ralph.
[SOBBING.]
Ahh.
We have to be there for that man, that beautiful, beautiful man.
- All right.
- Give me a hug, Jack.
Hey, you okay? [SIGHS.]
Honestly, I don't know.
- Okay, well - He's so strong.
Let us be strong for you.
- Here, come on.
Let's - Do you underst Oh, my God.
Come on! Wow.
Hey, listen, I hope I didn't screw anything up for you, man.
If there's anything I can do to help, you know, it's all good.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Oh.
- Hey-hey.
Ralph, what are you doing here? Well, you said if there was anything you could do to help, it was "all good," so Pfff, I tell ya, that does not ring a bell.
It's literally probably the most recent conversation you've had.
Look, Jack, I need a place to stay, but if you can't do it, then it's fine.
I'll just I'll just go.
Oh, good God, Ralph.
Don't be so depressing.
Look, fine.
You can crash here.
I can cr Oh, what was that? I tried to click my heels together, but I was, like, going down even before I went up.
- Oh, you coming in? - Yeah, yeah.
Jack, I really, really appreciate this.
Yeah, well Ralph, I let you in five minutes ago.
How are you already in full-flannel pajamas? Were you wearing those under your clothes? I'm pretty much always ready to hit the sack.
Is it weird if I sit on your couch? No, it's not weird to sit on the couch.
- You're sleeping on the couch.
- Okay.
Oh, and is it weird if I put my vitamins on the coffee table? You don't have to ask to do normal stuff.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm just I'm a little out of it.
Guess I'm just missing Brenda, you know? Oh, her little sneezes, the way she would print up Facebook to read at night, the way she would say, "Oh, I'm cold.
" She was always, always cold.
Listen, can we not talk about your wife? I'm navigating this sexually charged friendship with my ex, Meredith.
Need to maintain a playful, erotic mental state in order to transition from the friend zone to the sex zone.
You know, I totally get it.
I I should be turning in myself.
So how do you want to do good nights? I mean, a handshake feels so formal.
I could be talked into a hug, but I'm not married to it.
Although, really, I'm not married to much of anything anymore.
I mean, do do you want to, like, high-five or Okay, good night.
[LOUD THUMPING.]
Here.
This way.
Quickly.
Thaddeus told me you would come.
You'll be safe here till morning.
Quick, get under here.
I have bread.
At dawn, you will run north to freedom.
I need to thanks, sir.
I'm just doing my duty as a good Quaker.
Rub this deer urine on you.
It'll throw off the hounds.
[GROANS.]
Uh, Jack, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
I have a confession.
I, uh, I peed last night.
Oh, God.
Where? Oh, in the toilet, but I wasn't sure if you had an issue with it or not.
If you do, I'll go outside when it's dark.
How are things going with Meredith? Bad.
It's kind of hard to sleep with you shouting weird stuff all night.
Oh, no.
I sleepwalk when I'm stressed.
I it's what did I say? It sounded like you were working for the BOTH: Underground railroad.
Yeah, that's a recurring dream I have.
- I don't know why.
- I know why.
Where did she come from? He has that dream because this man is a saint.
Every night he risks his life to help people.
Jack, that's a white man.
He could look the other way.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Explain why you're here.
Oh, I'm making breakfast.
Come on.
Come look.
[SILENTLY.]
Hope you boys like bacon and eggs.
[WHISPERS.]
I'm here because his life is falling apart.
Not that Ralph needs any help.
[WHISPERS.]
He could snap at any minute.
You're doing great, Ralph.
[WHISPERS.]
I'm gonna take all these knives.
What? What are you doing? Hey, Jack, I want to do something to thank you.
How about I cook dinner tonight, all right? Clams Durbin.
How does that sound? Oh, Clams Durbin.
It's delicious.
You've got to try it.
So much dairy in it.
Oh, it's so good.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Well, it can be anything.
It doesn't have to be clams.
Oh, it does.
It has to be clams.
That's kind of what I'm thinking.
I don't want your clams, man.
Well, okay, I'll do all the grocery shopping.
And I'll restock the liquor cabinet.
Okay, fine.
Yes.
Oh, it's gonna make you sick, but it's worth it.
Hey, gang.
Now, where are you guys with this Miles plan, huh? You guys make any headway? Has he been arrested yet? We have been making some great strides.
So we started talking about planting Miles' DNA at a crime scene, but then we realized we weren't really positive what qualifies as a DNA sample.
You're gonna want blood, semen, hair, and saliva.
That's your bread and butter.
Oh, and feces.
And it's considered such strong evidence that it can put people away for life.
I'm liking what I'm hearing, guys.
Well, buckle up.
Tell him, bro.
If his DNA's found at a crime scene, a lab will compare it to a reference sample checking for any matching alleles.
And here's where it gets dope.
If the alleles on the chromosome are the same, they're homozygous.
As opposed to heterozygous No! [ALL GASP.]
Oh, I'm such a fool.
Foolish Jack.
I wanted so badly to believe that you were good kids.
But you're not.
You're bad kids, aren't you? We're bad kids.
Yeah.
You're doing this to learn biology.
You don't give a damn about destroying my rival.
We just thought it would help to have a basic understanding of DNA.
It's in saliva, and it makes people go to jail.
That's all you need to know.
Now, you've got one day to get somewhere with this or it's back to typing "pedophile" all day.
No [LIGHT MUSIC.]
Oh, my God.
This is wild.
You know what I mean? Brenda never let me - drink in the house.
- Uh-huh.
There's so much new stuff I can try.
I could wear a Kangol hat.
Yeah.
Oh, no way.
Hey, Ralph, why don't you go rustle up some Clams Durbin after all? Yes, you will not regret this.
Each clam is a symphony of taste pulled from the cleaner parts of Lake Erie.
Yeah, go ahead.
Well, hey there, text buddy.
Hey, Jack.
Oh, cookie dough, frozen tamales, and a gallon of ice cream.
You doing some emotional eating? What are you doing? You're doing, like, a "Leaving Las Vegas" drink yourself to death thing? [LAUGHS.]
I wish.
Hey, so how are things with the boyfriend? Ehh, well, so I took your advice.
Thank you, by the way, for letting me vent.
You've really been keeping me sane.
Oh, well, I'm glad to hear it.
- I want to help; I just - Hey, roomie.
I figured I would get the saffron first, because you cannot make Clams Durbin without the saffron.
- Right.
- Oh, hey, I'm Ralph.
Meredith.
Meredith.
This is the famous Meredith that Jack is always talking about.
- No.
- Let me tell you something.
Jack is the smartest man I've ever met.
He's a true catch.
He's a classic lover.
And I know right now he's just a shoulder to cry on, but oh, boy, he could be so much more.
- Okay.
- Right.
But technically, I still have a boyfriend, so Yes, she yeah.
Um Yep.
It was nice to see you, Jack.
- Yeah, good to see you.
Bye.
- Nice meeting you.
I'll shoot you a text or something.
Don't drink too much.
[LAUGHTER.]
- You - She said hey, I tried.
You know, I'm not I'm not very good at this.
- No.
- Next time, you've got to speak up, you know.
When I set it up like that, you boom you spike it.
All right? Hey, don't be mad.
[LOUD THUMPING.]
Here.
Freedom lies this way, I promise you.
Take this quilt.
It is a map to Ontario.
Shh, shh, wait, wait.
I hear more people.
It's more white men.
I will distract them with bird calls.
- [SIGHS.]
- Loo-da-loo-da-loo.
[BELL RINGS.]
The Lady Rams volleyball squad got annihilated last night again, but hey, sometimes you lose for 10 years, 12 if you count the time you dated, 16 if you actually are the girls' volleyball team, but point is, gals, you never know what's around the corner.
Hey, Durbin needs to crash with one of you guys.
Oh, I can't.
It's too dangerous.
Single Durbin is giving off some weird sex pheromones.
- Yes.
- [LAUGHS.]
Next season, the world is full of possibilities.
You've got to smell every flower.
- Oh, come on.
- Get sniffing, kids.
Look, look, something's got to give, all right? He's all up in my business.
I haven't slept.
He almost ruined things with Meredith.
Tough, Jack.
I don't see him getting back with Brenda any time soon.
Mm-mm.
So after Sister Agnes vanished, I noticed the Come in.
Hey, Durbin.
- I've got to talk to you, man.
- There's my guy.
Hey, how good were those clams last night? You know what the best thing about clams is? Leftovers.
Whoo.
Seriously, though, I I feel like this separation is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Hangin' with my bro.
I just feel so happy and free.
Yeah, well, you know what You know what might make you even happier? Getting back together with your precious Debra.
Brenda, but seriously, as I was saying earlier, I just feel like more and more that situation was not a good thing.
Yeah, but it was love, Ralph, right? And you didn't fight for it.
Ralph, you didn't fight for love.
But what if you did? And what if you did it with the help of a Harvard professor? I guess that sounds good.
I'd like to share a philosophy nugget with you if I may.
Yes.
Oh, I've been waiting for this.
Okay, a stoic named Epictetus said, "If a storm hits your boat, "sometimes the only option is to drown, "but do so quietly without crying, for what is born must also die.
" Holy cow.
That is rough.
But you get the point, right? - Ralph.
- Yes? It's time to go home.
Ralph, it's time to go home.
Ralph, what do you say? It's time to go home.
There it is.
My man.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you so much for sitting down and talking to us, Brenda.
The headline here is that Ralph is a good dude, and, well, he wants to apologize.
Yeah, I'm I'm sorry that I watched that show that riles me up.
Yeah, that was bad.
[HIGH-PITCHED SNEEZE.]
Oh, there's one of those little teeny-tiny sneezes you were telling me about.
Brenda, Ralph, he He misses you mad, and he wants you back, so what do you say, huh? It's more than just that show.
Well, yeah, of course, yeah, sure.
Well, talk to us, you know.
What else, you know? I bet it's all fixable.
Well, he does the blender so loud in the morning.
Okay, well, easy fix.
No blender till noon.
And most nights he sleepwalks, and he's yelling about hiding families, and I need to sleep in another room.
Yeah, well, Roger that one big time.
So if Ralph were able to make those changes, you think you guys could get back together? Mm, ow, oh.
Oh, God.
I don't know.
My back is killing me.
I I know this is silly, but you're sitting on those cushions, and I need them.
Oh, well, that's no, that's not silly.
I didn't realize I was sitting in your chair.
I'm sorry.
You want to switch chairs? Well, stop yelling at me.
Why do you want to make me feel bad? I mean, it's your chair now.
You're the guest.
I'll just endure the back pain.
Well, here's a fix.
Why don't I take the cushions off this chair and put them on that chair? No, but then your back will be hurting as much as mine is hurting, and then I am gonna feel bad about doing that to you.
I would feel bad about that.
Oh, oh, God.
Oh, my back is hurting so bad.
Oh, it's hurting.
Oh.
Oh! [HIGH-PITCHED SNEEZE.]
You've got to leave that woman.
I know.
I mean, at first, she was complaining about you, and I was like, "Whatever," and then she turned it on me, and I was like, "Pfff, that's no good.
" She's bad news, brother, and if that means you've got to stay here a couple more nights, it's all good.
Mucho mucho appreciated.
God, you and I, we are a We are a couple of pieces of work, huh? Yeah.
Whoa, how so? Well, I mean, at least my dysfunctional relationship was a relationship.
It wasn't this one-way obsession with my high school ex.
That was a massive overstep, wasn't it? No.
You know what? I like this color on you, Ralph.
I do, and you're not totally wrong about Meredith.
Hey, no kidding.
Listen, she's got a boyfriend, all right? You're deluding yourself, bro.
Okay, now it's too much.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, which one of these pills calms you down? - All uppers.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Nope, uh-uh.
Shut it down.
Shut it all down right now.
Whatever biology you're studying back there, it's done, okay? Back to the Miles missions.
As we said, this is both.
I think you'll be pleased with this.
I got a lock of Miles' hair, boss.
"And a little child shall lead them.
" How'd you do this? Remember when you had me send him that catfish message? - Mm-hmm.
- It blossomed into a very complicated online relationship.
Wow, okay.
Well, kudos.
Now I think it's probably best that you cut off all ties to this 40-year-old man forever.
Oh, it's gonna be much easier after the holidays, chief.
Looks like I underestimated you guys.
I mean, hell, if it takes five minutes of biology a day to destroy my rival, then maybe it's worth it.
All right, go ahead and take your seats, yeah.
All right, so what's the next step? We find a murdered body.
What? Damn it.
That's the next step? That is a very hard next step.
You luck into a murdered body presumably before the police have arrived? That's insane.
All right, take out your phones and start typing "Miles Leonard pedophile" into Google.
Luck into a murdered body.
What are you talking about? You want me to throw away the hair? [SIGHS.]
No, why don't you go ahead and keep the hair? You know, this is Toledo after all.
There's probably a dead body somewhere in this room.
[UPBEAT QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]