Accidentally on Purpose s01e10 Episode Script

So, if there was, like, a beauty contest for uteruses, mine would win, right? I also think it would win Miss Congeniality.
I said your uterus was perfectly healthy.
I heard "perfect.
" Did you two sign up for that baby care class? Uh, yeah, but because of our work schedules, I can only go during the day and she can only go at night.
It's almost as if we didn't think this whole "hooking up in a bar and not using a condom" thing through.
I'm really looking forward to it.
I mean, no other guys I hang out with are having a baby, and, you know, I'm hoping to meet some other dads.
- Maybe hang out - Zack, I'm a gynecologist.
Unless this ends with something weird on somebody's vagina, I can't help you.
This doesn't look like any weed pharmacy I've been to.
It's a parenting class.
I lied to get you to come with me.
I was thinking this is the strangest selection of bongs I've ever seen in my life.
So, our mission is to find you another dad to connect with.
A compadre.
Get it? Padre.
Whatever, dude.
I thought I'd be stoned by now.
Hey, what about belted shorts guy? This is kind of like hitting on chicks at a bar.
I mean, what am I supposed to say to him? All my best pickup lines have the word "hot" in them.
Just say, "Where'd you get that hot braided belt, man?" So, when the topical hair solution didn't work, I went with the pills, but now I'm growing boobs and I can't get an erection.
At least you got that hot belt.
# I can't be anything without you.
# So, two regulars and a decaf.
Actually, mine was a regular, too.
Really? Do you know what caffeine can do to a baby in the womb? Makes them want to have a cigarette? No? Okay.
Well, thank you, Dr.
Coffee.
I didn't see your stethoscope underneath your apron there.
My doctor says I'm allowed to have one cup of coffee a day.
You know, I hate to mention it, but caffeine Nothing.
Bad for the baby.
Sorry.
All I'm saying is that it is Billie's body, and it's a shame the way people are treating her.
Hey.
Maybe a journalist who has a column in San Francisco's second most popular paper can write a searing exposé on how society imposes its beliefs upon the pregnant.
Yeah.
Oh, you mean me? Abby? You are about to be very excited.
Yay! Whoa, calm down.
What? Give yourself somewhere to go.
I signed up for baby Oh! baby care classes, and I want you to go with me.
Yay! Wait, when is it? - Tonight.
- Oh, wait a minute.
Tonight, I have my pole-dancing class.
But I can go to that another time.
Yay! No, I don't have a wife, but I got pregnant with this girl.
And we're not dating, but I want to be a good dad.
And I'm a little nervous, and I just want to make sure we're as prepared as possible.
Aw Okay, everybody, let's take a little break.
I'm gay, but you are adorable.
- I'm Toni.
- Hi.
And this is my girlfriend, Dani.
- Oh, hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi, Dani, hi.
- Hi.
So, lesbians, huh? How great are boobs? Well, her boobs are fantastic.
I mean, they're incredible.
You just want to get in there and She's talking about her boobs.
And you're interrupting her.
So, boobs.
Go on.
Did you check out the rack on the candy striper by the doughnut table? Dani, please.
You're a married woman.
You want to grab a bear claw and see if we can look down the candy striper's shirt? I would answer that, except all the blood has rushed out of my head.
Excuse me.
I like your wife.
Uh, lady-husband.
Girlfriend.
Help me.
Uh yeah, I like her, too.
So, uh, what do you think of the class? Uh, it's kind of frustrating.
You know, none of my friends are having babies.
They're all having Guitar Hero marathons, hangovers and herpes scares.
Uh I was kind of hoping to come here and find a cool dad-to-be to hang out with, but I don't think I really fit in here.
I tried to, you know, make conversation with shorts guy - Ugh, shorts guy is such a tool.
- I know.
I love your girlfriend.
She's lesbian me.
Why can't all girls be lesbians? Oh, wait a minute.
Holy crap! Is that for the exposé? Yes, I have gone undercover.
And I've got to say, I feel for you.
It is so eye-opening the way people try and stop you doing all the things that you love just because you're pregnant.
I mean, I can't even buy a pack of cigarettes without getting a dirty look.
Oh, God, I miss Europe.
James, I have not yet been reimbursed from when I went to cover the Toronto Film Festival.
And you won't be.
The newspaper business is dying, Billie.
We are all rats on a sinking ship.
Uh, soon as I get back from my vacation in Tahoe, I'll talk to someone in Accounting.
I think someone is down there still.
Hello, boss.
Wow.
You, too? I really don't pay any attention.
So, for the purposes of my article, is it okay if I come to that class with you? - Okay.
- Yay.
God, it looks so real.
I think I just felt something kick.
Oh, I had the chicken curry for lunch.
Mind your own business, fatty.
Condemning a pregnant woman for taking a wee nip to calm the baby's nerves.
Can you believe the double standard? I think that's just the standard.
Oh, my God, I am so glad that you brought me here.
This was the type of thing that I was so looking forward to ever since I found out you were pregnant.
Me, too.
It was my childhood dream.
Me, unmarried, pregnant, parked in a physician's spot, hoping I don't get towed.
But with my sister by my side making sure everything's going to be okay.
All right, everyone.
Time to pick out our babies.
Dibs! Dibs! L- l-I just mean dibs.
These cloth diapers are great.
I'm done.
Baby's down! It's not a contest.
I know, but baby's down.
Excellent job.
Yay! How's it coming? My baby will be potty-trained very early.
You've put a diaper on the baby's head.
It's a bandana.
Now he looks badass.
This is so much fun.
This is way better than pole-dancing class.
Yeah, you're doing great.
A lot better at it than I am.
Have you noticed that? Have you noticed that happening? - No.
- Could you? Could you start to? You look mad.
I'm not.
I'm just frustrated that you seem to be enjoying the fact that you're doing better than me at this.
That is not true.
I am here to support you.
Who'd like to be the first one to take a shot at swaddling? Me! You know, I was kind of hoping to bond with some of the cool guys in the class, but they totally shut me out of their chunky dad clique.
I don't think they were thrilled with how much hair I have, or the ease with which I can get an erection.
Not my favorite thing, either, dude.
Crap! I think Billie's home.
Do you think she's mad at me? Did you do anything? I've done lots of things.
I'm eating her cereal right now.
What the hell was that? I turned around, and you were gone! I almost dropped Daisy.
Sweet.
It's not you! I left, because what was the point in me being there? That class was just for you, wasn't it? What are you talking about? You were totally showing me up.
I mean, how'd you get so good at this baby stuff, anyway? What, are you hanging out at family restrooms taking notes? Diapering chimps at the zoo? What are you trying to prove? I wasn't trying to prove anything.
I was trying to help you.
You're welcome! And you were loving watching me struggle.
I have to pee.
Do it in the sink.
You just can't stand to see me be better than you at anything.
I always wondered what it would be like if I was better at something than you.
And now I know.
You're so gracious! You got the good hair, the glamorous job and the baby on the way, but do I explode in your face with resentment? No.
I keep it in.
I control it, because I love you! I love you, too! Oh, you're home.
Davis! - Oh You heard everything with Abby.
I mean, I'm right, right? I mean, did Davis go to your class and show you up? No, he was a rude, inappropriate ass-bag.
He alienated everyone.
See? That's how a friend should act.
Abby can't do that.
You know why? 'Cause she's jealous.
She's jealous of my baby and my perfect freaking uterus.
My abs, your uterus it's not our fault we're pretty people.
I love how you're on my side right now.
Well, again, she's wrong.
What'd you say? She's wrong.
I like you so much right now.
Zack, uh, where's Billie? This is an appointment for me.
Do you see anything on these posters that resembles anything that you have? Because if I examine you, basically, we'd just be fooling around.
Uh, look, I know you don't want to hear it if it's not vagina-related but you're the only experienced father I can talk to.
And I went to that class, but all the guys hated me.
And I'm freaking out, so could you be, like, my go-to guy for dad questions? Zack, um, remember that high-speed chase that went from Fresno down to Bakersfield? Yeah.
Yeah, real nasty.
Uh, they put out the spikes to flatten the tires, big explosion, then the guy ran away, and then the dogs got him? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's my son, Carl.
And my daughter doesn't talk to me because I had her fiancé deported.
So, what can I help you with? Oh, Abby's just jealous of you.
That's right.
So I'm right, right? Right, yeah, you are right.
We pregnant women have to stick together, you know.
Hey, this article's just writing itself.
Oh.
Huh.
It's James.
Hi, James.
How's Tahoe? Yeah, funny story.
Uh, I didn't go on vacation.
I lied.
Okay.
How's that going? Not well.
I had laser eye surgery.
Now it's infected, and I need you to come get me.
I'm so busy right now writing my review.
Billie, stop tapping on Olivia's cubicle and come get me.
Okay, I'll be right there, Grampa Simpson.
James didn't go to Tahoe.
He didn't? Crap! So, do I have to really write this exposé? What have you been doing this whole time? I was ordering shoes.
Great place, right? Great? This place is amazing.
Everywhere I look, it's, like, my favorite kind of porn is about to break out.
What's your un-favorite kind of porn? Well, the German stuff is a little rough.
No wonder they started two world wars.
So, Lesbian Me Yes, Straight Man Me? Which one of these ladies would be very open-minded or so drunk that they might mistake me for a woman? DANl: Well, I don't know them at all, but I heard they're into Dutch boys.
That's what we call straight men who want to hook up with a lesbian couple.
Come on, I'll be your wing-lesbo.
I once was lost, but now am found.
I was watching you in class, and you really washed that baby like a pro.
I could eat off that baby.
I work at a restaurant.
It's just like scrubbing a potato with limbs.
Okay, this is weird, 'cause you and I just met, but, uh, Dani and I just found out we're having a boy.
And I guess that's the universe's way of saying, "One way or the other, you're touching penis.
" You're a cool guy so if I need to talk to someone, if I don't know what to do with my son, can I call you? Me? Yeah.
You're a natural dad.
You really think that? Absolutely.
And I did not get good vibes from the other guys in the class.
Oh, well, I think that's probably because out of all of them, you have the hottest wife.
- Thanks.
- And of-of course you can call me.
Can I call you if I have a lesbian? That would be great.
Your friend is scoring.
Though he didn't really understand the whole Dutch boy thing.
My apartment is two blocks away.
Or, for me, two kilometers.
So you sure I can't touch you guys? Yeah, okay, that works, too.
Can you believe this is actually happening? So, what's a lesbian bar like? - I've never been in one.
- Oh, you'd do great there.
They would eat you up.
I love lesbians.
Why do you keep checking your phone? I still haven't heard from Davis.
Last time I saw him, he was headed out to have a threesome.
I mean, when I had a three Should have heard from him by now.
I'm getting worried.
Okay, it's been two hours time to put the eyedrops in again.
So keep your eyes open.
It's burning.
I haven't done anything yet.
Don't be such a baby.
Oh, my God.
- These are the wrong eyedrops.
- Those aren't the antibiotics? No, they're the anti-inflammatory.
Why is everything "anti"? Why can't we have some "pro" drugs? Come on, it's not that big a deal.
What's going on with you? I had this baby class with Abby, and she was a total superstar, and I was a total loser.
Made me think maybe I'm not gonna be so good at this mom stuff.
Oh, come on, Billie.
You can read.
They have books for that.
Books only teach you so much.
I'm not sure I have the instincts to be a mom.
I can't even keep anything alive.
I mean, I think I had a plant that committed suicide.
And you know my fish I had on my desk at the office? - No.
- That's because it only lived for two days.
In fact, I think it drowned.
I drowned a fish.
What if I'm bad with the baby? There.
What's so funny? Look what you just did here.
You took care of me, and I'm the biggest baby there is.
You don't have a mom problem; you have a sister problem.
She finally outshined you at something, and it's bugging the crap out of you.
It is! Davis! Buddy! Are you alone? Ah, screw it, I'm coming in.
Holy crap! What the? Ah, hey, Zack.
- Little late for the par-tay.
- What happened? Dude, I was in a little something called a "ménage à trois.
" And then I got a little something called "tied up and robbed.
" Why did you come here? Well, you know, I just had this feeling in my gut that something was wrong.
No, I meant, why did you come here?! I was sitting here basking in the glory of my experience.
Although, my nose was getting stopped up, and I couldn't really breathe through my mouth, so I was probably moments away from death.
Good instincts.
Uh, can you untie me, please? Yeah, in a sec.
Hmm? For the family album.
Billie! Wait, I'm mad at you.
Abby, you're about to be very excited.
Oh, really? About our fight I was feeling insecure Mm-hmm.
about becoming a mother.
Yes? And I reacted badly to how good you were at that class, and I was wrong.
Yay! However, I do think that there is a slight possibility that you were actually trying to make me look bad Well, now it is your turn to get excited, because you might be right.
Yay! The truth is, you weren't bad at the class; you just weren't as good as me.
Well, I did finally figure out that swaddling.
I used tape.
Oh.
That is clever, yeah.
And unsafe.
You're gonna be a great mom.
And trust me, you are gonna be so happy that I'm good at this stuff, because at some point, you're gonna look at that kid and say, "I can't take another minute of your fat face," just like Mom used to say to me.
I love you.
You're gonna be a great aunt.
Oh.
But why didn't you just call me and tell me? Why did you have to come here? Okay, who's up next? Oh.
Because you showed me up at my class, so I'm gonna show you up at yours.
and cross and tuck and fold and wrap and voilà! This son of a bitch isn't going anywhere.
See? You're already getting better at this.
You're gonna be a great dad.
Yeah, we're gonna be great parents.
Well, I'm late for my pole-dancing class.
I got tassels now and everything.
Cool.
I'm headed to the lesbian bar.