All In The Family s01e10 Episode Script

[ Announcer .]
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days oh, Archie.
It's 2:15 in the morning.
What are you doing up ? I'm playin' musical milk bottles here, Edith.
How come you got three bottles here, and between them all, a man can't get one full glass of milk ? I-I guess it's because we don't finish one bottle all the way Before we open the next.
I guess that must be it, Edith.
You know, it's the little things that torture a person.
You haven't been to sleep yet.
Even in bed, you didn't sleep.
How did you know that ? Because when you sleep, you snore and kick, and when it's very quiet and I'm not gettin' hurt much, I know you ain't asleep.
Is there something on your mind ? Edith, I just got a little simple indigestion, that's all.
Did you eat something that didn't agree with you ? Only your dinner, Edith.
I thought I heard voices down here.
What's going on ? "What's going on ?" Your mother-in-law and me are runnin' away together.
What's bugging you ? I just never seen you up this late, that's all.
Well, it don't need no big explanation.
And shut that yap, will you ! You just woke up, and you ain't no breath of spring, you know.
What's going on ? How come everybody's up ? Now, look at this.
Will you answer me.
Can't youse two get a second pair of pajamas ? Or would that destroy something beautiful in your marriage ? I'm not even awake yet, and he's picking.
Yeah, because it ain't decent going to bed that way.
- Archie, they're married.
- So are we married.
And we go to bed fully dressed.
I told you to shut that yap.
Hey, what's buggin' him ? Somethin' bothering him ? Oh, I thought so, but he said no, but I still think so.
My sandwich ! Well, I don't want it now.
What's the matter, Archie ? There's gotta be something on your mind.
Edith, there's nothin' on my mind now, absolutely nothin'.
[ Phone ringing .]
I'll get that.
It'll get that.
I'll get that.
Stay away.
[ Ringing .]
Hello, feeney.
Huh ? Now, wait a minute.
Who's this ? No, no, no, no.
There ain't no Valerie here.
No, Mac, there ain't no Mary Lou neither.
No, you see, you got the wrong number.
Yeah, yeah.
What ? No, nobody in this house wrote this number On the wall of the toilet at the elks' club.
Dry yourself out, huh ? Archie, are you expecting a call at this late hour ? Not necessarily.
But you said something about feeney when you answered.
Did you mean Harry feeney ? What's with the third degree, huh ? I told you, I ain't expectin' no phone call.
[ Phone rings .]
I'll get that.
Keep away from there, meathead ! Feeney ? Oh, gee.
No, buddy.
This ain't Mary Lou's brother.
Wait a minute.
Listen to me.
You're drunk, see ? Your brain is soaked in booze, and you don't know what you're doing.
Don't call this number no more tonight, will ya.
Go back to the toilet wall and get yourself another number.
Why are youse all staring at me, huh ? Why don't youse go to bed ? We can't go to bed when you're troubled, daddy.
We want to help you.
You wanna help me with something that troubles me ? Would you put something on yourself and make yourself respectable.
If that thing was any shorter, it'd be a scarf.
Come on, Gloria, let's go.
We get enough of that talk during the day.
We don't have to listen to it at night too.
Good night, daddy.
[ Edith .]
Good night.
Good night, mom.
Archie.
Would you get mad at me if I was to ask you something ? Only if it was something that makes me mad, Edith.
Are you worried about your job ? That makes me mad.
You are worried.
Tell me, what is it ? Edith, it's nothing.
It's just that, uh, well, the company announced that they're having a 20 percent cutback in personnel.
That's all.
I think it's gonna hit my department pretty hard.
Oh, Archie.
Hold it, hold it, Edith.
I ain't worried about it.
Take it easy.
You know me.
I could get another job in ten minutes, if it came to that.
It's just, uh, it's just some of the other guys I work with, that's all.
I'm worried about them.
Like there's little Emanuel.
He's puerto rican.
One leg is shorter than the other.
I mean, who wants a spick with a bum leg ? And then you got elmo.
Fifty-six years of age, black as the ace of spades.
I mean, there ain't many places a guy like that can go.
Then you got stretch Cunningham.
Well, he's white, ain't he ? Yeah, but with an I.
Q.
Of about one.
These guys have been working under me for a lot of years, Edith.
It's them that I'm worried about.
Well, what does Harry feeney got to do with it ? Harry feeney's the night watchman, see.
Day after tomorrow they're gonna come out with a list of who gets the ax.
So tonight when feeney's makin' his rounds, punching his clocks, he's gonna poke around in the executive offices And try and get the scoop first.
He's supposed to call me here during the night.
And-and you're staying up all night To find out about little Emanuel and elmo ? Yes, Edith.
Stretch Cunningham too.
[ Gloria .]
Ma ? Yeah ? Stifle yourself about this to the kids.
Oh, sure.
What are youse doing up again ? We couldn't sleep.
I-I think I'd better make a pot of coffee.
I'll help you, ma.
Ma ? Michael found this newspaper clipping on the bathroom floor.
I-it must have fallen out of daddy's bathrobe.
It's about his company cutting back personnel.
That's why he can't sleep tonight, isn't it ? Oh, yeah.
But you ain't supposed to know about this.
Oh, I hope Mike don't say nothin'.
Ah, don't worry, ma.
Michael understands.
He's very tactful.
What the hell is that all about ? Nothin'.
I was just lookin' at ya, I was thinkin' about ya.
I was thinkin' about how good you look.
No, seriously.
What are you, 47, 48 years old ? You don't look a day over 40.
You know, you're lucky, Archie.
This is the prime of your life.
You are in the best years of your life.
You-- you're strong.
You've got your health.
You're in great shape.
- Edith, you told 'em ! - What ? You told 'em, and I asked you not to ! Oh, no, Archie.
Honest, nobody told me anything.
Edith.
Edith.
I'd like to look as good as you when I'm old-- older, older.
I meant older.
You see that ? You're out of my sight for one minute, and the tongue is wagging the whole dog ! Daddy, it wasn't mom.
It was this newspaper clipping.
Give me that ! Michael and I aren't fools.
We can see you're worried.
Let me tell you something for your own information.
It ain't myself that I'm worried about.
Now, tell her, Edith.
Oh, no, no, he ain't worried about himself.
He's just worried about poor little Emanuel with the short leg And stretch Cunningham and very black elmo.
That's right.
Even if I was to lose my job, which there ain't no chance of that because I'm in so solid with the bosses, I could get another one in about ten minutes.
So don't give me the cow eyes, will ya ? Just save your concern for them that needs it.
Aw, come on, daddy.
No matter what's bothering you, why can't you share it with your own family ? That's right, Archie.
Because a man don't bring his problems home, that's why.
Oh, I never heard such old-fashioned garbage.
Thank heavens that's not the way it is with my marriage.
My husband's not afraid to bring home his troubles to me, to cry in my lap if he feels like it, to weep in my arms.
Gloria.
Why, he's not ashamed to show grief if he feels it.
Gloria.
To kick his feet and bang his hands.
Gloria, shut up.
Well, it's true.
Try telling her, "stifle.
" She's heard that all her life.
It stops them cold the first time.
I didn't mean to say "shut up" to you, but you wouldn't let me get a word in.
I was goin' overboard ? Yes, I would say so.
I'm sorry, Michael.
It's all right.
Don't worry.
[ Mike .]
It's okay.
Archie.
Isn't that nice, the way they come to an understanding ? We could take a lesson from them.
You need your sleep, Edith.
[ Phone rings .]
[ Archie .]
I'll get that.
That's all right, daddy.
I'll get it.
Hello ? Who do you want ? Valerie ? [ Breathy voice .]
She's busy right now.
This is Mary Lou.
Give me that ! Very funny.
Now I'm gonna have this drunk on the phone the whole night long.
Now, listen, Mac.
Now, wait a minute.
No, I ain't gonna put Mary Lou back on the phone.
There ain't no Mary Lou here ! Will you give up-- [ doorbell ringing .]
What the hell is going on here ? Doorbell's ringing in the middle of the night, I got a dipso on my phone ! This is a nightmare.
Oh, hi, Dave.
Hi, Mrs.
bunker.
I noticed all your lights on.
Everything okay ? - Yeah, I guess so.
- Is that Dave the cop there ? Come on in, Dave.
I got something here for you.
I got a dirty caller on the line.
You take it.
Edith, come over here, will ya.
I don't like it at all that feeney ain't called.
I'm kinda worried.
Oh, Archie.
Could I get you some toast and a cup of coffee ? No, nothin' like that.
How 'bout some poached eggs ? Edith, the answer to every problem ain't somethin' to eat.
I couldn't hold nothin' on my stomach anyhow.
Oh, Archie, don't worry.
Even if worse comes to worst, remember our mothers and fathers.
They lived through the big depression, and they made it.
I'll never forget the way it hit my old man.
There he was, a breadwinner all them years, and then-- and then just like that, the paychecks, they stopped coming.
Why ? He was always asking, "why ?" And nobody could tell him.
It was awful.
Oh, yeah, sure it was, Archie, but look at you.
You came through it real good.
Edith, gee, I was only a kid.
My old man never got over it.
Took the heart right out of him.
And he wasn't all that old neither, you know.
He was just about my age now.
[ Dave hangs up phone .]
You won't have to worry about that drunk calling no more, Archie.
Thanks, Dave.
He's coming over here.
I gave him your address.
Coming over here ? Sure, when he gets here, I'll slap the cuffs on him.
Gonna be quite a night, ain't it, huh ? - You like being a cop, don't you, Dave ? - You want the truth ? I love it.
Call me the fuzz, call me pig, I really love it.
I can tell you why in two words: Job security.
Oh, jeez.
I better get the coffee.
You know, when I was a kid, my dad wanted me to go into his business.
When he heard that I was gonna become a cop, he hated my guts.
- How'd you know that ? - He told me, "Dave, I hate your guts.
" You know, I got four cousins, all my age, guys with families, all laid off in the last year.
Who knows when they'll work again ? With the economy the way it is, it could be never.
But we civil servants-- we just keep rolling we keep on rolling Dave, switch that off, huh ? You ain't exactly "jan feerce," you know.
[ Doorbell rings .]
That's him, Dave.
What do we do ? Let him in and get him started talkin', then I'll nab him.
Go on.
I'll hide back here.
Okay.
Shush.
Mrs.
weidermeyer, what are you doing up at 3:30 in the morning ? I'm a night person, Mr.
bunker.
I didn't know you were.
May I come in ? Oh, you're all night people.
Hello, Mrs.
weidermeyer.
Coffee's ready.
Oh, hello, Edith.
I didn't know you were a night person too.
Hi, Clara.
What are you doing up at this hour ? I just came back from a date.
A plumber who likes widows.
He took me to a house party in the Bronx.
Twelve people.
All the men were plumbers.
Anyway, I invited him in to my house for a cup of coffee, but I'm all out of coffee.
Your lights were on, so I thought maybe I could borrow some.
Oh, Clara, I'm sorry.
I just made a pot and I used it all up.
Why don't you ask him over here for a cup ? That'd be wonderful.
Hold it, hold it, Mrs.
weidermeyer.
I don't mind you being here because you're a friend of my wife's, but I don't want strangers running around the house this time of night.
You understand ? Oh, sure.
Clara, it's too bad you can't have a cup yourself.
- Actually, I can.
- What about the plumber ? May I use your phone ? I'll call and tell him.
Uh, the fact is, Mrs.
weidermeyer, I'm expecting a telephone call myself at almost any moment, and I'd like to keep that line free.
I know what you mean.
Hello, Harold ? Harold, this is Clara.
Thank you for answering the telephone in my house.
Listen, Harold, our date is over now.
I'm gonna stay here with the neighbors for a while, so you go home.
I know you didn't kiss me good night.
That's the way the cookie crumples.
I don't like to slur a whole race, but plumbers sure are pushy.
Sit down, Clara, and I'll pour you some coffee.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Dave, there he is.
All set, arch.
Oh, Edith, there's a cop in your living room ! Dummy up, will you ! We're trying to make a pinch.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Pizza king.
Pizza king ? That's what I said.
I've got a mozzarella, and I got a sausage-- wait a minute, kid ! We didn't order no pizza here.
I ordered it, arch.
You ordered a pizza ? Do you hear that, Edith ? This guy orders pizza at 4:00 in the morning.
You got no control over events in this house.
What is the matter with you ? Come over here.
Listen.
Feeney ain't called yet, and I'm scared that the news is gonna be bad.
Oh, Archie, they say no news is good news.
[ Doorbell rings .]
There he is.
Sit down there.
Now, don't say nothing, Mrs.
weidermeyer.
Dave, we're ready.
Dave ? Put down that pizza and come on, will ya ! All set, arch.
Get back up there in your hiding place.
Hi, fella.
Come on in.
We're waitin' for you.
[ Laughing .]
Valerie ! Oh, Archie ! Mary Lou ? He's talking dirty.
There it is, Dave ! Put them cuffs on him.
Hey, Dave.
I didn't see you standing there.
Why didn't you say hello ? I didn't want to butt in while you was talkin', sir.
- Dave, do you know this lush ? - He's my sergeant.
Your sergeant ? What's going on here ? Where's the party ? There's no party, sarge.
Just a regular family.
Oh, no.
A real family ? Oh, I feel rotten about this.
It happens every time I go out and I toast a friend or two.
But it's so self-destructive ! And I've made-- I've made such a spectacle of myself ! I don't believe this.
I'll go.
But I hope you people won't let this change your feelings about the police.
Oh, no, won't change my feelings about the police.
Good boy, son.
Come on, sergeant.
We'll get some air.
Thanks a lot, Dave.
Okay, arch.
Ohh ! I think I'll go home now.
I think that would be a very good idea.
Good night, Clara.
Good night, Edith.
You know, I didn't understand One thing that went on here.
Feeney ! I thought you was gonna call me ! What are you doing here ? Come on in, feeney.
Edith, here he is.
Say hello to Harry feeney.
We was waiting for you to call.
All right, tell us.
What do you know ? First of all, I couldn't call any earlier.
You see, as I make my rounds, I have to stick my key In all these different gizmos.
I have to get to them on time because they register when I've been there.
What about the list, feeney ? Just a minute.
If I get to one of the gizmos too late-- most people don't know this-- an alarm goes off in the police station.
It's as if the gizmo was saying, "Harry feeney's late and something is wrong.
" Feeney, what did you find out ? I'm trying to tell you.
Now, I only have a certain amount of time between gizmos.
When I'm making the rounds of the executive offices, I've got just 13 minutes.
Thirteen minutes isn't much time to look through twenty offices For one piece of paper.
The first eight times around, I never found it.
But the ninth time-- what about the ninth time ? I found it.
It was on vanderheusen's desk Under four unsigned letters and a big, brass paperweight.
Feeney, spare me the paperweight, huh ? Heart-shaped.
All right, feeney.
Who got the ax ? Well, they're cuttin' back just like they said, Archie.
And they're knockin' off three departments, including yours.
Including Archie's ? Right.
But they're keeping the three department heads.
They're keeping the three foremen.
[ Edith .]
That's you, Archie ! I knew it was gonna be all right, daddy ! You had nothing to worry about.
Daddy, I'm so happy for you.
Congratulations ! Get out of here ! What do you mean, congratulations ? Youse don't have to congratulate me for nothin'.
There's nothin' happening to me.
You'd think I was Lazarus rising from the bed.
What are you standing there for ? Go on upstairs.
Don't be bothering me.
What's the matter, Archie ? I thought you'd be happy to hear the news.
He's worried about little Emanuel and elmo.
No, Edith, I ain't worried about nothin' or nobody.
So a couple of guys get laid off.
They'll find something in a day or so.
I want to tell youse all something about this good old U.
S.
of a.
No man starves in this great country If he's willing to go out there and work.
Them that works, eats, and we're gonna eat now.
Pizza.
Go on, get out of here ! Go on up to bed.
Feeney, sit down.
Here's the pizza.
Don't stand there.
Go on in the kitchen and bring out some beers.
Dig in, feeney.
Oh-ho-ho-ho ! [ Sighs .]
Archie, here's your bicarb.
All right, Edith.
Leave it there, huh ? Why did you let that son-in-law of yours bring pizza Into this house at 4:00 in the morning ? He was hungry, Archie.
And then on top of that, you give me beer to drink.
You asked for it.
Oh, Edith, there's times I question your judgment.
Archie, it's 6:00 in the morning.
You better take a shower and get to work.
What do you mean ? I can't take this stomach to work with me, Edith.
You're gonna have to call in for me.
I ain't goin'.
Archie, you could lose your job.
Oh, Edith, as solid as I am with the bosses ? What are you talking about ? I better go to work, Edith.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape Before a live audience.