Ally Mcbeal s01e10 Episode Script

I love Christmas.
Things that bug me during the year don't bug me now.
People smiling.
Me smiling.
The star's the best part.
Dad said, "As you reach to put the star up you're really reaching for your own star in life.
" Maybe she won't notice.
It's come to this.
You're humping the tree.
Damn it, Renee.
Just help me down.
Just help me down.
Wait, wait.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Oh.
You put this tree up too early.
It's gonna dry out.
I like to enjoy Christmas for a month.
And if you wait too long, no good trees.
It's the loneliest time of the year.
I've booked myself solid.
I've got Dip-Chin tomorrow night.
I'm already getting the "ick" on him.
- Already? - Yeah.
He's too white-bread.
- I've got an idea.
Come with me.
- On your date? I'll rub your feet after.
- You, me and Thousand-Island-Face? - It'll help if I get the "ick.
" You can help take the pressure off.
Bring that little Biscuit along, and I'll go.
- John Cage? - He's cute.
You and John Cage? Well, you never know.
A little Yuletide catnip might be fun.
- Oh, Renee.
He's a little weird.
- You forget I like weird.
How has it come to this? - We're smart.
We're fairly attractive.
- I'm even hot.
Yes.
You're even hot.
So why aren't we with hot men? Here they are! Christmas tears Will decorate my tree There'll be no shiny tinsel Excuse us one second.
- Is this a setup? - I was about to ask the same thing.
Icicles Within my heart will form 'Cause your arms aren't around me To make my Christmas warm Are we in for a whole month of this holiday crap? I've been down this road Boy to the World Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah Last up, client Christmas parties.
We've been invited to several.
We're going to split them up.
We cherish our clients.
It wouldn't be the holidays without them.
Be sincere.
- My uncle Kevin Hanson died yesterday.
- I'm sorry, Richard.
No biggie.
He'd been ill.
It was a blessing.
Bygones.
We're having difficulty regarding the service.
- What difficulty? - He was a bit of an eccentric Excuse me.
I'd first like to give pause to absorb his passing.
May we all take a moment? Many things marked his life.
One was his distaste for short people.
The minister won't memorialize that part of him.
- My aunt and I feel it should be.
- He didn't like short people? At six, he was bitten by one.
It resonated.
Eh - What? - I'm troubled.
Just another moment.
- What's the matter? - Richard's uncle died.
He didn't like short people.
John's troubled.
Billy, can you meet with the minister? Talk to him.
I tried.
- It'd be important to my uncle.
- I'll talk to him but Thanks.
Adjourned, done, let's go.
Oh, Ms.
McBeal? Will you step up here, please? Oh, God.
Now what have I done? Sometimes you can obligate yourself by just being here.
I'm out of public defenders for my last defendant.
- The Commonwealth thanks you.
- Your Honor, I'm afraid of criminals.
Suck it up.
Stephanie Grant, solicitation.
I'm granting personal.
Check with probation to set up a conference.
Thank you.
Case number 52714.
Breech vs.
Fitzsimmons.
Child custody modification case.
Our client moves for a continuance They're gonna take you back to lockup for a bit while I meet with probation.
- Don't talk to anybody there, okay? - Okay.
Daniel Corbett's the D.
A.
It's his third offense.
- He's gonna ask that he do some time.
- He? He who? She's a boy.
Stephanie is Steven.
Oh.
I don't typically edit eulogies.
But I can't let you unload on small people.
- I won't unload.
- I knew your uncle.
Mr.
Hanson's life was eccentric.
We should be able to talk about that.
There must be limits.
I won't allow this church to My uncle helped build half this church.
Be reasonable.
I have many short-statured congregants.
- Remember when my uncle came here? - Yes.
Switched from Lutheran to Baptist, just to come to this church.
- Why? - He didn't like the other minister.
- What did he object to? - He was tiny.
As a result, your church received a lot of money.
I know.
Believe me, my board knows the money at stake.
They about ordered me to wear lifts.
But I won't allow you to get up and talk about your uncle hating little people.
It's bigotry.
We have two ways to go, both with negative sides.
- So you'll have to think about it.
- Okay.
Pleading is your best chance at a reduced sentence.
But it still would mean jail time.
Prison? I could ask for county, but with your two previous convictions we are looking at some time.
Well, what's the other way to go? Well, we could plead not guilty and try to win on the elements and The problem there is that you solicited an undercover cop.
And with the two priors, I really don't think we could win.
If we lost once we were in trial we'd be looking at more jail time than we would on a plea.
- Lose the file? - I don't ask for much.
Why can't? You want me to steal the file, lose it - If you could've seen his face.
- I have.
He's gorgeous.
- I'm not gonna lose the file.
- Just this once? - I'll tell another joke.
- It won't be as funny.
- Renee? - Ally? - Renee? - Ally? This boy needs help.
He's He is the most fragile person living in the harshest of worlds.
He's obviously not well.
He Excuse me, I - Who is it? - It's Ally.
- Can you wait one second? - Sure.
- I'm sorry to intrude.
- It's okay.
I have an idea.
I've been doing research for the last hour - And these are beautiful.
- I made them.
You - You made this? - Oh, yeah.
Won't I be a beautiful bride? - You should do this.
- Lf I could only catch a husband.
If you go to prison, you'll have time to be a wife! Oh, my God.
No, I have a way with Freudian slips.
So do I.
I'm wearing one.
Well, I think there might be a way for us to avoid jail.
How? It's a long shot, but I think we can make it out that Well, it's gonna have to be an insanity defense.
Insanity? Yeah, it's You have to understand that this is a legal strategy.
I am not here suggesting that you are insane.
Well, what's the insanity? Well, there's a fetish.
Transvestite fetishism.
I think that we can categorize it as a mental disorder.
You mean, like I'm sick? I don't want to say I'm sick.
I know.
But the judge is going to need something legal or The reason I left home is because everybody called me sick.
That's why I left Ohio.
The goal here has to be avoiding jail.
Isn't that what you want? And you think they'll let me go? It's a long shot.
But there's a chance, yes.
Could you at least think it over? It's all we have.
Sure.
I'm open-minded.
I'm a judge who appreciates anything original.
This takes it to a next level.
Mr.
Hanson's life was marked by experiences with short people people and events who affected his life and influenced who he became.
- A bigot.
- In part, a bigot.
It's who he was.
My client needn't give him the pulpit to celebrate it.
Mr.
Fish won't endorse his uncle's bigotry.
- He just wants to offer perspective - Look, I'm all for free speech.
But why should I force the church to be a forum for it? Because this was his church.
But we tend towards restricting against bigotry.
Have you noticed the rash of civil rights laws? Those laws identify suspect classes.
First it was race, then came religion, next it was gender.
Now we're at sexual orientation.
There's no special protection for short people.
If there was, so what? Kevin Hanson was a good man in some ways, a not-so-good man in others.
Why can't his nephew say that at his funeral? - What if he hated blacks? - What if? This political-correctness thing is out of control.
First we say you can't act with prejudice.
That's fine.
Then we say you can't have prejudices.
Now we're saying you can't even talk about another's prejudices.
This isn't civil rights, Your Honor.
It's censorship.
Ally.
- Is there no respect for privacy? - You've been here for 20 minutes.
I suspected it was about solitude, not use of the facility.
- Is everything okay? - Well, I don't know.
Not to dig into your past with call girls but did you ever defend a sex offender? Uh, uh I'll pretend I didn't hear you.
My prostitute client, she's really a he.
I'm thinking of raising gender identity as a form of insanity.
His arrests go to sexual conduct, not to wardrobe.
But I found this fetishism thing.
Part of it is the compulsion to attract men.
This kid doesn't know what or who he is.
He's alone in a new city.
And he's out on the streets at night to make his rent.
Get him to a psychologist.
If you walk into court with any diagnosis of mental dysfunction, you got a chance.
Okay.
- Ten pages, black letter - I'm not filing a legal brief.
- We've carried this far enough.
- I'm senior partner here.
- We made the argument, the judge - May rule in our favor if we support - I thought you loved your uncle.
- What? This isn't a tribute, you saying he hated short people.
- I think you want to trash him.
- Don't tell me what I You shut up! This is what he wanted, Billy.
And don't ever accuse him of not wanting it.
You'll die this way.
- So how did you know I'd be here? - You weren't at your apartment and the combat zone isn't so big.
- I still need to eat.
We gotta see a psychologist and get a medical opinion before going to court.
- I got a doctor coming to the house.
- Why are you doing this? The last two lawyers spent 10 minutes on me.
Honest? I want that wedding dress.
- What about you and the doughboy? - Me and John Cage? When you think about it, you both circle the Earth in similar orbits.
- Oh, hey, Steph, are you done? - I guess.
- You want to talk for a second? - Sure.
I'll be right back.
The good news is you got something to take to court.
The bad news is he's a pretty messed up kid.
- Tell me.
- I can support the fetishism.
And I think he may also suffer from gender dysphoria.
I'd need more time with him to state anything conclusive.
What's gender dysphoria? Psychologically and emotionally, he's more like a woman although he doesn't say that.
The one sure diagnosis I can give you is that he is hugely confused.
- Will you go into court with me? - Of course.
I can't say that there's any legal insanity.
He knows what he was doing on the streets.
With you, it's cheeks and eyes.
Bring out those eyes, girl.
You don't have to touch your lips.
Look at these bones.
- How did you learn so much about this? - Oh, please.
People wear clean underwear in case they're hit by a car.
They don't want to be seen as dirty.
With me, all I cared about was my face.
I used to pray, "If I get hit by a bus, don't let it be without makeup.
" I gotta go to my grave pretty.
Let me see your teeth.
Coffee drinker.
I can bleach them.
Too much green.
Christmas is green, Elaine.
I'd think it'd be your favorite color.
Meaning what? As in envy? Our office is dominated by blue, and it goes poorly with green.
Good morning.
I love your tie.
- Well, how would you rule? - It's a fuzzy line.
You say acknowledging a prejudice isn't the same as endorsing it.
I'm not so sure.
You'd be acknowledging it in a forum celebrating his life.
- That rings of endorsement.
- He ate caterpillars.
He dyed his ear hair.
He disliked short people.
He was a kook! It should be said.
He wanted it said.
Why are you obsessing on this funeral thing? - Is it easier than grieving for him? - I beg your pardon? You were closer to him than your dad.
- Well, what's the point? - The point? - There is none.
- He was ill for so long.
It's a blessing that he finally died.
Yeah.
- I've changed my mind.
- You're not You can't tell me what to do.
I won't say I'm a freak! - The objective is for you to walk out.
- I'm not sick.
This doesn't make me sick! This doesn't make me a freak! You asked me last night why I was doing this.
I'm doing this because when I look at you, I see a great kid.
But I see a kid who needs help.
Look at me.
Look at me.
You need to let people help you.
Start with me.
Trust me, Stephanie, and I will keep you out of jail.
But you have to trust me.
Transvestite fetishism.
He has the symptoms.
Intense sexual urges involving cross-dressing.
It started early.
Read Dr.
Harper's report.
That doesn't make legal insanity.
We can mitigate the intent.
We don't want a trial.
- What are you looking for? - Time suspended.
We'll plead so long as he doesn't go to jail.
Miss Grant, will you excuse us for a second? Is this in his best interest? He'll go back to the streets.
- Jail may be safer.
- We know what happens in jail.
We know what happens if he gets free.
This is his third time.
He doesn't want to turn tricks.
He needs a job.
He needs a fresh start.
- Who's gonna hire him? - Well, me.
- You? - Yeah, me.
My firm.
I know.
But this kid needs a break.
One of my fears This is not somebody who's joined another world.
Nobody's welcomed him in.
He's just looking to survive.
He's not part of any society at the moment.
- He needs counseling and - Let's give him a chance and see.
I just Jail cannot be the answer.
I'll continue this for a year.
No finding.
Conditioned on him being employed, starting today.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I thought about this a long time.
I never got a basketball scholarship, so I'm salty assisting anybody taking a smack at the vertically challenged.
We call short people vertically challenged.
That's politically correct, isn't it? Part of living in a free country people should be free.
Though laws should exist to prevent discrimination and prevent people from acting on prejudice nevertheless, people are entitled to their bigotries.
And if somebody is stupid or believes stupid things it must be permissible at that person's funeral for someone to say: "He believed these stupid things.
" This totem-pole political-correctness thing that's stupid.
And at my funeral, you can say that I said that.
Go ahead, Mr.
Fish.
Get up at that podium and take your uncle's shot.
I won't shrink from it.
Adjourned.
Oh, yeah Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Jingle bell chime and jingle bell time Dancing and prancing in jingle bell square In the frosty air What a bright time It's the right time To rock the night away Must be thrilling to win on an issue so far-reaching.
- Goose bumps.
How are you? - Fine.
Who's the guy? - What guy? - With Ally.
Who is he? Her client.
She's a guy? - With those legs? - Guy.
- How can you? - I know every neck at a glance.
- That beautiful girl? - She's coming.
Hey, guys.
This is Stephanie Grant.
This is Georgia, Richard and Billy.
- Have a seat.
- Hi.
Please sit.
Richard I need you on the dance floor, please.
- No alcohol.
She's underage.
- She's no she, either.
Richard - I hired him.
- Excuse me? I know I had no right, but employment saved him from jail and he's great.
Word Processing needs help.
We're not hiring.
Defending ourselves, it's been a lousy fourth quarter.
- Deduct his wages from my salary.
- I won't do that.
- But he can work for us? - Yeah.
He wants to be a she as far as the rest of the personnel goes.
Fine.
Want a plane that loops-the-loop I still want a hula hoop We can hardly stand the wait This Christmas, don't be late John? John? - How long have you been there? - I'm almost done.
Just gathering thoughts.
Okay.
Umm - Do you find me short? - What? Umm No.
Because I'm troubled by Richard's motion.
Oh Well, that went to people who are like 5'2"or 5'3".
You're not tall, but I wouldn't consider you short.
Mm-hmm.
Umm Because there is an unconscious discrimination you know, against smaller people.
Many women Most women wouldn't consider dating a man who isn't taller than But a lot of women would.
Would you? I mean, consider me? Well I probably wouldn't consider dating you because you're my boss.
But otherwise yeah, I would consider it.
I'm sure I would.
Otherwise.
"Would" is a subjunctive word, contrary to fact.
- Sorry? - Nothing.
Well I'm almost done.
If you could excuse me.
Of course.
If you need anything Though, you already have what women want.
- I beg your pardon? - That was a pun.
I'm sort of a wordsmith-slash-office administrator.
Anyway All of your office needs, I'll take care of them.
For insurance purposes, I had to list you as male.
It's not a slight.
I just don't want them denying coverage.
- Well, you officially start tomorrow.
- Thank you.
- How much do you want for it? - It's a gift for somebody.
Oh.
I'd just like to thank you all for coming.
My uncle said he knew his memorial would be filled.
If for no other reason, people would want to make sure he's dead.
In addition to being like a father figure to me he was a very special man.
Impulsive.
Hated diplomacy.
And for his funeral, it was important to him that people just tip their hat and remember him.
Remember how he was.
He didn't want tears.
But two days before his death he squeezed my hand and said: "Don't let them cry.
Don't paint me a saint and don't let them cry.
" So I won't.
He was good, bad caring, insensitive.
He was loud, charitable.
Liked some people for silly reasons.
Disliked others for sillier reasons.
He said, "Life's a stupid game.
It doesn't matter what you do or have.
If you're loved in the end, then you win.
" He wins.
Short people got no reason Short people got no reason Short people got no reason to live They got little hands and little eyes They walk around Telling great big lies They got little noses And tiny little teeth They wear platform shoes On their nasty little feet Well, I don't want no short people I don't want no short people I don't want no short people Around here The only thing you need to know is the men will stare.
We've had sexual harassments.
Pretty girls are targets.
- I see.
- They mentally undress us constantly.
Their imaginations will stay clear of your parts.
This place is pretty pig-infested but otherwise, it's a great place to work.
You'll love it.
They got little baby legs And they stand so low You've got to pick them up Just to say hello They got little cars That go beep, beep, beep They got little voices Going peep, peep, peep They got grubby little fingers And dirty little minds Well, they're gonna get you every time Well, I don't want no short people I don't want no short people I don't want no short people Around here Well, I Don't want no short people Don't want no short people I don't want no short people No, no, no, no Don't want no short people Don't want no short people Don't want no short people Don't want no short people Hallelujah! Don't want no short people Don't want no short people Yeah, yeah, yeah - That was original.
- Thanks for coming.
Hi, Steph.
- I made this last night.
- For me? Very simple.
Wear it with a jacket or alone.
Oh, my God.
I love it.
I'm gonna try it on right now.
- It should fit.
- Where did he get those legs? It gets more interesting around here.
Richard.
"Don't let them cry?" Don't let yourself cry.
That's what it is.
I'm not sure I follow.
I'm sorry.
For your loss.
It's so beautiful and it even fits.
We might want to take it in at the waist.
I can eat a doughnut.
It'll be perfect.
Stephanie.
How can I ever thank you? How can you thank me? Ally.
You saved my life.
Ladies.
- Stephanie made this dress for me.
- Oh, that's quite fetching.
Have a good afternoon.
- Welcome, Stephanie.
- Thank you.
- Will you excuse me for a minute? - Sure.
Uh John? Uh I was thinking last night and I'm still not sure about the work thing I really would enjoy going out to dinner with you.
Oh.
Umm Well, I know you're not predisposed to evening outings but I think that when our orbits cross I think we have a lot in common.
- Shall we think about it? - We shall.
Mistletoe.
Well Yes, indeed.
You kissed him? It was a little peck on the cheek.
There was mistletoe.
It was legitimate.
Can I ask you something? Have you kissed the rabbi? Why? Because I'm the hot one here, and it's your lips getting all the Chap Stick.
That's because demure is in, and you scare men.
Scare men? Yeah.
I scare them stiff.
That's what I do.
Hello? Excuse me? Okay.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
Watch your head.
- District Attorney.
- Okay.
I didn't know who to call.
The suspect's in custody.
What happened? The john went crazy when he found the jane was a guy.
Cause of death looks like a head trauma.
We called the parents in Ohio.
They won't come to make an I.
D.
Take him to the morgue.
We'll I.
D.
Him there.
I'm sorry.
She can't be touching the scene.
- They look done.
- But she can't Leave her be.
- She can't contaminate the scene.
- I'm pulling rank.
Leave her alone! Why did he have to go back out there? I mean He had a job.
Why? We can't answer that.
His parents didn't even come.
He wasn't alone at the end.
Ally He had you.
He didn't die alone.
Is it poss Is it possible to love somebody in only two days? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.