American Princess (2019) s01e10 Episode Script
Faire Well
1 Previously on "American Princess" - We're engaged! - [CHEERS.]
Maybe it is time to grow up.
How much for a franchise? Five grand.
For that, you own it, operate it, and get full legal use of the name Orbs of Fury.
I could be headed home soon.
At least that's what my family thinks is happening.
Everyone seems to know what I'm doing next but me.
Uh, you have a message from the Myron J.
Shapiro Agency.
The producers want you to put a song on tape.
Can you give this to RatCat? It's a goodbye note so he knows that I'll be back.
He looked sad this morning.
Love you, Mama! I like you.
Like, like like, or like like? - Mm mm - [SMOOCHES.]
Oh! [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[DR.
DOG'S "TRUE LOVE" PLAYS.]
I can't understand this city And I don't understand true love Yeah, here I go from town to town Just getting by on old true love - Lovesick in some backwoods bayou - [LAUGHING.]
Hey! Lovesick in town Gonna need to call the CDC 'Cause it's going around [VOCALIZING.]
A step ahead of rolling thunder An army of our own true love And heavy are the open-hearted - And heavy is our own true love - [SHOUTS, LAUGHS.]
Is it any wonder, darling That I don't understand true love? - When you gonna get your own robe? - I have one.
I like yours.
It's soft and smells like - [INHALES.]
indie rock.
- [CELLPHONE DINGS.]
You know, there's volume control on those things.
I think there's something up with your router.
It only pushes texts through once there's a build-up.
It's not used to city-lady levels of texting.
It strains the system.
Joanntha strains everyone's system.
- "Water balls"? - Ah! Right.
Thank you.
Please tell me that's not a doctor's note.
Uh, it's about the Orbs of Fury.
They're like big, uh water balls.
Look, it's shorthand, okay? - I bought a franchise.
- What about mud? Oh, I'm still doing mud.
Mud and balls.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm now Mr.
Mudballs.
And just when you started talking like a grown-up.
Shart's a grown-up.
He and Lulu have a country house in the off-season.
Be nice to have an off-season house.
If a country house falls in the off-season, - does it make a sound? - [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- It feels good to take a step in the direction of something at least, you know? Good for you.
Speaking of directions Ooh! What about west, with me? What's west? Is that a position we haven't tried? Come to the next faire with me.
Think about it.
Things about the Simi Faire that are awesome include Shart bragging about a base tan, - getting fried, and us winning bets.
- [LAUGHS.]
Group trips to Disneyland and Delilah OD'ing on Dole Whips.
Bigger crowds than the Royal, bigger tips than the Royal.
- Also, me.
- Okay.
Oh! And you haven't lived until you have tasted 16th-century churros.
- I said okay! - Wait, wait, wait.
When? Just now? Yes! Except you were the one rambling, for a change, which is kind of nice.
- Mmm.
- [SMOOCHES.]
- Give me my robe back.
- Mm.
Come and get it! Lovesick in some backwards bayou Lovesick in town Gonna need to call the CDC [VOCALIZING.]
- Guess what.
- No! No goodbyes yet.
I hate goodbyes and endings and leaving things.
No, it's good news.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God! Don't worry.
We can raise it on the circuit together.
Lil Boy's always wanted a younger sibling.
What?! Delilah, no! Sorry.
I assumed.
[LAUGHS.]
You guys can't keep your stinky parts off each other.
[SCOFFS.]
I'm coming to the Simi Faire.
[GASPS.]
This makes me so happy! Last weekend coming up, everybody.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SCREAMING.]
All right! Please refrain from fully partying until the gates close on Sunday.
Also, we have Bo and Jenny's wedding coming up, so - [MURMURING.]
- all hands on deck.
Are you gonna book a stripper to officiate this wedding, too? [LAUGHTER.]
Will the rice have ants in it again? Will the doves be able to fly this time? [LAUGHTER, CHEERS.]
Ha ha.
Very funny.
Ooh! What? I can lead the charge on the wedding planning.
I love details and parties and doves.
Hired.
Which is a figure of speech.
There's no money.
So a small reception, then.
No reception.
Ceremony, souvenir mugs, over and out.
It's Bo and Jenny! They're season ticket holders.
Yeah, we are collecting the leftover booze for the end-of-faire campfire.
[GASPS.]
Oh! What if we just combine the parties? [CHATTER, CHEERS.]
It would be a great way to close out the season.
Fine! But still no money for this thing.
Check in with our resident DJs over there.
- They're probably still available.
- [CHATTER, LAUGHTER.]
Wait.
Am I DJ DabFreak, or are you DJ DabFreak? Me.
Wait.
Yeah, me.
Cool.
Then I'll be DeeJer BeeJer.
Dude, why not DJ BeeJay? - There already is one.
- Ohh.
- I've done a lot of research.
- Nice.
Did we just invite ourselves to crash someone's wedding? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah, we did! Hey! I know everyone's having their end-of-season yard sales, but I need you to stop by mine, okay? Everything's got to go even the bus.
Especially the bus.
That thing eats gas money by the hundy.
- [EXHALES.]
That's a lot.
- Thank you, Helen.
[GRUNTS.]
Cramp! Cramp, cramp! Oh! Already? Juan Andrés made us three-egg omelets, and I had two of them.
- Do the math.
- Oh, fine.
We can take it slow.
[SIGHS.]
My abdomen thanks you.
- Whew! - Ohh.
Don't let me forget the ribbon for Bo and Jenny's handfasting ceremony.
It should be in the trunk.
Speaking of shared props, I would love to not be the only one responsible for transporting all of them to Simi this year.
And I would love to drive something other than a 1999 Toyota Tercel, but God only gives us what we can handle, right? Fine.
Oh.
I've been musing on a new scenario for the next faire Elizabeth enlists Shakespeare to investigate traitors on the court.
Paranoia at Othello levels.
What do you think? Hmm? Sorry.
I've told you, you can't play Othello unless you get a black Desdemona, but even then That's not what I said.
What's going on with you? I don't usually like to talk about auditions.
Too superstitious.
You have an audition? "Hoarders the Musical" wants me to put myself on tape.
A chorus girl dropped out of a window.
She'll live, but her femur won't.
But the Simi Faire.
[LAUGHING.]
Please! The odds are completely against me.
But it is now or never.
Well, good for you, then.
I think it's terrific.
- [SCREAMS.]
- What? [SCREAMS.]
Everything in that box is a dollar.
50 cents? DELILAH: No! What's wrong? Our most beloved Didelphimorphian comrade has shed his mortal coil.
What? RatCat is dead! And RatCat is Lil Boy's armadillo? He is a possum.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Was a possum.
Lil Boy's with my parents this weekend.
What am I gonna tell him when I see him? Well, how do you know he wasn't just playing possum? Because all resuscitation attempts were unsuccessful.
I'm not stupid, Shart! [SIGHS.]
[SOBBING.]
I just I can't believe he's gone! I know the final weekend of the faire is always a little hard on you.
Is this really about RatCat? It's a lot of waterworks for a trash cat rodent? What matters is that I'm upset.
This is our last weekend at the Royal, and RatCat won't be able to experience any of it.
It's a tragedy.
Uh, can you flush a possum? He deserves a proper sendoff.
It's what Lil Boy would want.
I'd love to help you, honey, but we have so much left to pack.
We're sorry for your loss.
Okay.
Oh, you could stuff him.
- I know a guy.
- [SOBS.]
Taxidermy's an art.
[SPUTTERS, EXHALES.]
As Buddhist practitioner Jack Kornfield once said, "Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.
" RatCat did live wisely.
[SIGHS.]
It's lovely.
All good things come to an end, but that doesn't mean those ends can't be beautiful.
I'll help you lay his soul to rest The Buddhist way.
Does that mean you're gonna dress him in an orange robe - and shave his head? - No.
Well, not just that.
AMANDA: So, you guys selected the Queen's Romance Package, which includes an invocation from the queen, a 15-minute ceremony, a reading from Shakespeare, and an after-hours reception.
And the DJs won't cost extra? They're They're our gift to you.
- [GASPS.]
Aww! - Ohh! Oh, did you get the fabric from the kilt guy? I did.
Who? Oh, we want to incorporate a little of my Scottish heritage into the wedding.
- You're Scottish? - Mm-hmm 12%.
I just did my DNA.
His yarmulke's going to be the tartan of Clan MacDonald.
Also 17% Ashkenazi Jew.
- Mazel! - Mm.
Okay, let's talk decorations Overall vibe, signature color, that kind of thing.
I have this, like, mood board I don't think we'll need much more than what's already here.
Yeah.
It is lovely here.
Oh, oh! We do know what Shakespeare reading we'd like, though.
Sonnet 116.
- Nice choice.
- It's a classic.
All right, I'll get Brian right onto it.
Actually, we were thinking could you do it? You want me to read at your wedding? [LAUGHING.]
Yes! We still talk about - the night you arrived - Ohh.
taking the stage like an enchanted fairy.
- A drunk enchanted fairy.
- Very drunk.
We'd never seen anything like it.
And to have watched you, all faire season long, fall deeper and deeper in love with our world Made us remember how we fell in love with it.
'Twould be mine honor.
- Yay.
Aww.
- Ohh! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, WATER SPRAYING.]
Hey, man.
Uh, just checking in on transpo to Simi for the Orbs.
Bro, small glitch.
Simi turned down the permit.
Management thought it might be too anachronistic.
Oho! Okay, that sucks.
- It happens.
- Okay, well, then, um - So, like, my deposit - Whoa.
When you bought in, I told you two things about water balls.
Keep the pool full and that people run out of oxygen after 10 minutes? Okay, fine four things.
Those two, plus you got to run the game yourself, - and there are no refunds.
- I gave you five grand! That's that's my entire savings! Dude, don't panic, man.
Raleigh's chompin' at the bit.
- Raleigh? - Yeah, North Carolina.
I know the guy that ran their escape room last year.
He cleaned up, man.
This is a blessing.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
State-of-the-art impact-resistant material, padded back rest, carry handles, and a cup holder.
- Never been used.
- I don't know.
- I'll ship it to Raleigh for you.
- Deal.
Say the word! That hot tub is priced to move and freshly bleached like my butthole.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
- Hey.
- Hey! Mm, love that cute butt.
So tight! Very tight! Too tight.
What's up? The Orbs of Fury are a no-go.
No permits for Simi, and I'm out five grand.
- No! - Yeah, I know.
And I had such big dreams Pinball machine, island off the coast of France, some stuff in the middle.
Wait.
So, they can just take your money a-and that's it? No, they can't take it, exactly.
It's more like I go to the Raleigh Faire or I lose the deposit.
- You should go to Raleigh.
- What? You were so excited about this.
I mean, I can't leave the guys.
There's the show.
So you're gonna walk away from this investment? They're big boys.
They'll be okay.
They need me.
I'm the eye candy.
When an opportunity presents itself, shouldn't you reach out and grab it? - Oh, yeah? - [LAUGHS.]
I mean yeah? Yeah.
Yeah! David, you have to take a chance on you.
You know what? You're right.
- Of course I'm right! - Yeah.
Okay.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Okay, s Let's do it! - Yes, let's do it! - Yes? Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
- "Let's"? - Yeah, we're going to Raleigh! - Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- [MUFFLED.]
Yeah, you're welcome.
Mm-hmm.
Umm, so so just you and me? I think the Friar usually goes to the Raleigh Faire, if he can hitch a ride DUIs.
Look at me.
I'm a businessman.
We should get you on LinkedIn.
Oh, I should probably go tell the guys.
- Yeah, I should probably - Procrastinate with me? Good idea.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- Oh! Hang on.
Oh! [SIGHS.]
Oh, tell Joanntha that her new clutch is fetching.
I mean, I'm just assuming, but [BEEP.]
Mom? What time do you get in tomorrow night? Why are you calling from Mom's phone? Ugh.
'Cause Hudson's playing Crossy Road on mine.
The kids can't wait to see their Auntie Mandy.
Erin, you know how much I love the kids Wait, hold on.
What? Remi wants another yogurt.
- I told her she was getting chunky.
- I'm on with Amanda.
Erin, there's something I have to tell you.
JOANNTHA: Mandy! Oh, Mandy, my love.
I'm gonna be at a benefit when you get home, but I got you an appointment with Uncle Gary's second wife.
She's a headhunter.
I told her you have a terrible résumé but a sparkling personality.
- She suggested real estate.
- Real estate? Uncle Gary's second wife is in prison.
I meant Uncle Larry.
Also, Erin she saw Brett.
- With a date.
- No! Ugh.
Geez! I was waiting to see you in person, but he was with Evy Lipman.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
He's moving on.
It's fine.
- Really? - Evy Lipman? Please.
Forget it.
Dementia runs in that family.
He can do whatever he wants, because I'm moving on, too.
- No way.
The curved-penis guy? - Excuse me? - Mom! - What? [SIGHS.]
I'm going to another faire In North Carolina.
It's the mud guy, isn't it? The really cute one? Actually, yes.
And I know you're gonna try and talk me out of it, but I want you to know that I have th Good for you.
Wait, what? I saw you.
I saw him.
I get it.
You do? Is Remi allergic to dairy? She looks really blotchy.
She's fine! [WHISPERING.]
Save yourself, bitch.
What do you want me to tell Mom? [SIGHS.]
I guess tell her that I met a businessman and that I'm going to Raleigh.
[BEEP.]
Yeah.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
How's this? Size is good.
The color ugh.
Hot pink has no meaning in Buddhism.
So you're asking me to find a more Buddhist shoe box for your possum funeral? 'Cause I might have to call "bullshit.
" Hey, uh hey, guys.
Y-You got a sec? - Sure.
- We're kind of busy here.
Well, umm, I bought a franchise, a game uh, the Orbs of Fury.
- Ohh! The big plastic water balls? - Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Nice! Suck it, maximum weight limit! I got a man on the inside now.
[LAUGHS.]
You're gonna let me ride, right? Totally If you want to visit me in Raleigh.
Huh? What are you talking about? Simi turned it down.
Wait, so you're bailing on us? I-I would never.
I'm not bailing.
I'm I'm just diversifying.
You know, I-investing in my future.
What about our future? What about our show? - No, I know.
It's just - Oh, actually No, you don't know.
This is a three-man operation, all right? We leave on Monday, and you spring this on us now? That's messed up! And selfish, right? Good for you, man.
- What?! - Everybody know a grasshopper can jump, but a grasshopper also has wings.
What are they for, if not to one day fly? He's not a grasshopper.
He's the eye candy.
"Was.
" I thought I was the eye candy.
A condition, a disease, or is it a matter of will? - He's a freak - She's a loser Perhaps they're mentally ill One person's trash Is someone else's treasure Pieces of the past Are simply there to measure The love that they need A love that has no border There's no love like the love The love of things stacked high above There's no love like the love of stuff To a hoarderrrr - That was wow.
- [GIGGLES.]
Um, but should we do one with just the person who's auditioning? Oh, right.
Yes, of course.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! The idea of chorus girl is beginning to appeal more and more to me.
A chance to create a new persona as one of the people.
I was in the chorus of "A Chorus Line" at a dinner theater once.
The signature dish was the Singularly Sensational Salmon.
[LAUGHS.]
I need to use the little girls' room.
Oh, and while I know you don't love Alicia I don't love raisin bagels.
I despise Alicia.
She's been plotting a coup d'etat since the day she joined the court.
Well, she's put in the time, and she knows the role.
She's next in line to the throne.
I'll make it work.
I know you will.
Pieces of the past I can tell she has her hopes up.
Well, why shouldn't she? She's good.
Being good doesn't guarantee anything.
[STICK CHANTING.]
Wait, stop.
This doesn't feel right.
When I was 8 and my daddy was gonna put down my dog Hepzibah, we gave her the best last day a dog could dream of.
She went to Steak 'n Shake The drive-through And she ate a Frisco Melt, and she threw it up.
She ate another one, and then she ran around the backyard without a leash and chewed up three of Mom's favorite pillows.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
My baby's gone and RatCat's last day was just a regular one.
Nobody to bear witness.
[SIGHS.]
It's like Whitney Houston.
[SOBBING.]
Or Prince.
He deserved better.
As we knew, the close of another wonderful summer season, I feel we ought to read from a most appropriate play - "A Midsummer Night's Dream.
" - [CROWD MURMURS.]
'Twould be an honor to perform with ye, Your Majesty.
Ah, but I am feeling faint from the late summer heat on this day.
Lady Alicia, wouldst thou read the role of Helena, if it please thee? Yes, indeed, Your Majesty! Mayhap we should delay the reading until thou dost recover, my Queen.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! Nay, nay.
I wish to see how Lady Alicia doth perform in my place.
[CROWD MURMURING.]
ALICIA: [CLEARS THROAT.]
Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind.
And therefore, winged Cupid is painted blind.
[CROWD GROANS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Nor hath love's mind of any judgment taste.
- Hey! Can I grab a wine glass? - Red or white? Oh, no, it's for Bo to step on.
- He's a little Jewish.
- Ahh.
Wait a minute.
This might be the last time I see you! I'm taking off early, and I don't go to Simi, so I'm not gonna see you there.
Do you go to Raleigh? I'm going to Raleigh.
Oh, no, sorry.
I only work this faire.
The rest of the year, I teach special ed in Cooperstown.
- Oh, really? - Yep.
It gets awkward when students show up and stick ones down my cleavage.
What are you gonna do there? David has this great opportunity with the Orbs? Was that a question or a statement? Shameless millennial upspeak? [CHUCKLES.]
It's all unfolding live.
First, I thought we were gonna go to Simi, but then I also thought my family was gonna send a private security service to drag me back to the city Pretty much the only thing they haven't tried yet.
But now I'm going to Raleigh with David.
I once followed a guy who followed Springsteen.
I even got a lower-back tattoo that says "Tunnel of Love.
" Poor choice.
He lives in Ottawa now.
I'm not following a guy.
I'm following my heart to Raleigh, with David.
Yeah.
I'll find my thing.
Well, you can never have enough pub wenches, eh? Ah! - L'chaim.
- [SIGHS.]
Thank you.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yes! Yes! Yes! Dearest Shart, wouldst thou not agree that this is our bestest, most beauteous, most generous audience that we have ever had? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
And here I thought that brown stuff on your nose was mud.
Stick! But seriously, good people, this is our real job, and we would appreciate whatever coins you might have - in your pocket.
- Cough it up.
Pockets? Did someone say "pockets"? Mine are as holey as the Archbishop of Canterbury! [LAUGHTER.]
Well, if it isn't my long-lost sister Mistress Dingle O'Belly! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right, now come give your big sister a hug! Ohh! Let's go! Whew! [LAUGHTER.]
Aw! I missed you! - Aah! - [STAMMERING.]
[CROWD SCREAMS.]
Aah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What the hell was that? The woman in the front row? She threw me off, too! Zombie contacts.
[SHUDDERS.]
I'm gonna have nightmares.
I meant Natasha.
- You knew about her.
- No, I didn't.
- Should I go? - No.
You said you were gonna tell him.
No, you said you were gonna tell him.
No, you were gonna t Oh, wait! Yeah, I was gonna tell him.
- I'm gonna go.
- No! You're the one leaving us in the lurch.
You don't get to be mad when we fill the lurch.
This isn't the lurch.
- The lurch is in California.
- The lurch is you leaving.
But I haven't left yet, so there is no lurch.
We had to grab Natasha before she went to another faire.
- She's good! - She is.
You are.
- Thanks.
- Plus, she's already used to being around two guys all the time.
Fine.
Yeah.
I should have gone.
Yeah, probably.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
I've been thinking about Hepzibah.
From the Bible? [VOICE BREAKING.]
Oh, no the dog.
I think we should have the best last day at the Royal For RatCat.
We could start at the maypole, one of my personal favorite spots.
It's so colorful! [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh, and Cyril's English Toffees! Mmm! I mean, RatCat's really gonna miss that.
I've only tried Cyril's chocolate truffles.
Let's get into some toffee.
'Cause I'm having a good time, having a good time I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky like a tiger I'm gonna go, go, go There's no stopping me I'm burning through the sky, yeah, 200 degrees That's why they call me Mr.
Fahrenheit I'm traveling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic man outta you Don't stop me now If you want to have a good time Just give me a call Don't stop me now 'cause I'm having a good time Don't stop me now, yes, I'm having a good time I don't want to stop at all Feels good to say a proper goodbye.
Lil Boy would be happy.
Until next time, faire friend.
[SIGHS.]
Ahh di da, ah di dahhhh Hey! Hey, so, I've been thinking about Raleigh Me too.
You were right.
They'll never miss me.
So psyched about these orbs.
It's gonna be awesome.
It is gonna be awesome for you.
You have a thing.
I don't really have a thing.
Come on.
When you got here, you had nothing.
Now look at you.
You're running the whole show.
I guess.
Hey.
We're gonna do this together.
All right? Just we'll figure it out.
- Yeah.
- Right? - Totally, yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Come on.
- Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
Come on.
- Wedding time.
- Yeah! [FAIRE BAND PLAYING "MORE THAN WORDS".]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Yeah! Oh! Hi! [GIGGLES.]
- Love is in the air! - You like it? [SQUEALS.]
I'm so proud of you! - It's a dream.
- I love a wedding! - Why, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
The sun, whose beams most glorious are Rejecteth no beholder And your sweet beauty past compare Made my poor eyes the bolder - As the ties are joined - Where beauty moves And wit delights And signs of kindness bind me There, O there, where'er I go I leave my heart behind me And now a reading from Mistress Ophelia Feelsgood.
From Sonnet 116 by William Shakespeare.
"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds "or bends with the remover to remove.
"Oh, no.
"It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.
" - [CROWD MURMURS.]
- Mm.
Master Bo, dost thou take this woman to be thy lawfully wedded wife? I do.
And, Mistress Jenny, dost thou take this man - to be thy lawfully wedded husband? - I do.
Then I do pronounce thee husband and wife.
Thou may kiss thy bride.
[CROWD "AWWS".]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[GIGGLES.]
Yeah! Are these slacks too big? Or have I been wearing tights too long? [CHUCKLES.]
You look great, babe.
[SMOOCHES.]
Okay, which shirt? Is this a trick? I got it! [PANTING.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
What? - "Hoarders the Musical.
" I'm playing a dust bunny! Among other roles.
That's amazing, Maggie! Congratulations! What happened to the odds being against you? I guess I overcame the odds.
Ooh! That's a good memoir title.
"Maggie Chainey: Overcoming the Odds.
" [EXHALING RAPIDLY.]
- I don't know what to say.
- How about "congrats"? [LAUGHS.]
How about you're happy for me? Of course he's happy for you.
We both are, right? I'm happy for you.
Not your best work.
Your slacks are too big.
Na na na na, na na na na na na Na na na na, na na na na na na - Aah! [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! God! You scared me! This is so much better than the farewell campfire.
I don't think I've ever seen two people so in love like them.
Then you've never seen "The Notebook.
" [LAUGHING.]
I mean in real life.
Don't waste your time with the little boys Stay out at the playground You look gorgeous.
You look like a sexy Minion.
Thank you! You can borrow it when we get to Simi.
- [SIGHS.]
- Oh, it just sneaks up on me.
I keep forgetting you're not gonna be there.
I'm really gonna miss you.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
You're my family.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
All good things come to an end.
But that doesn't mean those ends can't be beautiful.
- That's lovely.
- Yeah, it's a Buddhist thing.
Gotta give me that big love - I love you.
- I love you.
Na na na na na na [MUSIC STOPS.]
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
- ["HAVA NAGILA" PLAYS.]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ah! Chair thing! [CLAPPING, CHATTER.]
Let's go! - Go ahead, man.
- Oh, no, you go ahead.
Looks like you can handle it.
I [SCOFFS.]
I can! But you got this.
I mean, you can probably do this all on your own.
I'd really prefer if no one does this all on their own.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Fine.
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ohh! Whoo! Whoo! [STRAINING.]
Hey! Sorry about earlier.
[STRAINING.]
I'm sorry, too.
One, two, three, hey! I'm excited.
We'll see.
Milady.
Thank you! Not just for this, but for everything.
For today.
You went along and didn't skip a beat.
Unlike RatCat's heart, which skipped all the beats.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I appreciate you indulging me.
I like indulging you.
You shine with true Zen spirit.
Cheers.
Can't tell you how we do it Gotta show you how we move it Just let your worries fade away, baby - Hey! - Huh? Hey, you can't touch this.
- This cake's for the bride and groom.
- Sorry! - They have not even taken a picture.
- Sorry.
Stoners! Get out of here! Cyril, you've outdone yourself.
You're the cocktail king! - Hey! - Hi.
Cheers! Yes! So, I know Bo and Jenny said no gifts, but do you think they'd want a gently used hot tub? I only made love in it four times This morning.
[GASPS.]
I'll throw in the chlorine tablets, too! Brett! What are you doing here? Okay, l-let me explain.
No! I know you're hurting, and I know you want me back, and I get it, but it's over, Brett.
- I - I'm sorry, okay? I'm just here to get back the engagement ring.
What?! Are you getting engaged to Evy Lipman? No! No, I only went over there twice.
E-Erin said you were going to some other faire or something.
I didn't know when I was gonna see you again.
It's my grandmother's ring, and my mom's been up my ass about it.
Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, I feel like a real idiot now.
Need any pointers? I'm very practiced at feeling like an idiot.
What? No snark? No.
After what you did for Delilah? - That was - Important to me.
After everything I put you through, it was the least I could do.
Keep it, keep it groovin' Keep it, keep it movin' Keep it, keep it groovin' All right, party people! It's time to slow things down.
This one's for all the lovers out there.
- Ohh, yeahhh.
- [SLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
[FEEDBACK.]
I shouldn't be surprised you're such a good dancer.
Who, me? Seven years of contemporary jazz and several high school musicals, thank you very much.
Oh I still know some of my Harold Hill soft-shoe.
Actually a-five, six, seven Oh, I'd love to see it really.
But I'm thinking maybe you should do a dance with your girl.
You and I are gonna have lots of slow dances together.
God bless your non-dysfunctional parents.
You are extraordinary.
Like, I really feel like this was, like, fate, you know? - Ohh.
- Yeah.
So, like, the kind of queen that I want to be is like - Alicia sucks.
- I know.
She's been running around yelling "God save the me" at everyone.
Well, you and I haven't always gotten along, either.
At least you've always been talented.
I really am happy for you.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss our martinis at sunset, making fun of that horrible steak-on-a-stake girl Your homemade muesli.
I'll miss you, too.
But we'll talk, we'll make plans.
It's not like we'll never see each other again.
Besides, I feel like I'm leaving you in pretty good hands.
Maggie, my Queen I'll see you on opening night.
If everything hadn't happened the way it did, who's to say we wouldn't have fallen apart eventually anyway? That's one way to look at it.
The wedding that's going on out there right now, that's what a wedding should be.
Two people who are ready to be together because they already know what they want and who they are.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm still kind of figuring that out.
Me too.
Well, I did figure one thing out I do not want to go out with Evy Lipman again.
She's unfriendly and wears too much foundation.
Wait, is that what that line under her jaw is? I couldn't figure it out.
- It's crusty.
- Extremely.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I just don't think about it that much anymore, 'cause at the end of the day, it's about how the horse feels, not me.
Yeah, that's really fascinating.
- One Bo-jito, please.
- Got it.
The Jenny-mopolitan is tasty.
Signature cocktails nice touch.
Thank you.
I hear you're planning to go to Raleigh.
- Yep.
- Why? I'm going with David.
I know you'll be devastated not to have me there at Simi.
Who are you gonna body-slam in mud? Actually, I am not going to Simi.
I booked a role in a Broadway musical.
Oh, my God! That's amazing! When opportunity arises, you have to grab it.
So I hear.
So this is goodbye, then.
Oh, I don't do goodbyes.
I prefer to disappear in the middle of the night.
- The Irish goodbye.
- The French exit.
Ghosting.
I guess every culture has a name for avoiding prolonged interaction at the end of the gathering.
Uh, Maggie? Would you like to dance? With me? I'd love to.
I'll take that bottle of Sauvignon Blanc I asked you to chill.
You were good today, reading at the wedding.
That means a lot coming from the bard himself.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Care to dance, milady? I believe I would.
So, Amanda Klein your very first Ren Faire has come to a close.
Indeed, it has.
Thoughts, comments, concerns? Notes from a city lady? Actually, no.
No changes.
It was perfect.
I'm very glad to hear that.
Don't walk away Don't walk away Don't walk away Amanda? [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[SIGHS.]
- [LAUGHTER, CHATTER.]
- MAN: Tickets! Get your tickets! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[CUP CLATTERS.]
- Stick! - [FANFARE.]
All good gentles, repeat after me! God save the queen! CROWD: God save the queen! God save the queen - Once more! - God save the queen! Again, good people of England! God save the queen! ALL: God save the queen! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! God save the queen We love our queen
Maybe it is time to grow up.
How much for a franchise? Five grand.
For that, you own it, operate it, and get full legal use of the name Orbs of Fury.
I could be headed home soon.
At least that's what my family thinks is happening.
Everyone seems to know what I'm doing next but me.
Uh, you have a message from the Myron J.
Shapiro Agency.
The producers want you to put a song on tape.
Can you give this to RatCat? It's a goodbye note so he knows that I'll be back.
He looked sad this morning.
Love you, Mama! I like you.
Like, like like, or like like? - Mm mm - [SMOOCHES.]
Oh! [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[DR.
DOG'S "TRUE LOVE" PLAYS.]
I can't understand this city And I don't understand true love Yeah, here I go from town to town Just getting by on old true love - Lovesick in some backwoods bayou - [LAUGHING.]
Hey! Lovesick in town Gonna need to call the CDC 'Cause it's going around [VOCALIZING.]
A step ahead of rolling thunder An army of our own true love And heavy are the open-hearted - And heavy is our own true love - [SHOUTS, LAUGHS.]
Is it any wonder, darling That I don't understand true love? - When you gonna get your own robe? - I have one.
I like yours.
It's soft and smells like - [INHALES.]
indie rock.
- [CELLPHONE DINGS.]
You know, there's volume control on those things.
I think there's something up with your router.
It only pushes texts through once there's a build-up.
It's not used to city-lady levels of texting.
It strains the system.
Joanntha strains everyone's system.
- "Water balls"? - Ah! Right.
Thank you.
Please tell me that's not a doctor's note.
Uh, it's about the Orbs of Fury.
They're like big, uh water balls.
Look, it's shorthand, okay? - I bought a franchise.
- What about mud? Oh, I'm still doing mud.
Mud and balls.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm now Mr.
Mudballs.
And just when you started talking like a grown-up.
Shart's a grown-up.
He and Lulu have a country house in the off-season.
Be nice to have an off-season house.
If a country house falls in the off-season, - does it make a sound? - [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- It feels good to take a step in the direction of something at least, you know? Good for you.
Speaking of directions Ooh! What about west, with me? What's west? Is that a position we haven't tried? Come to the next faire with me.
Think about it.
Things about the Simi Faire that are awesome include Shart bragging about a base tan, - getting fried, and us winning bets.
- [LAUGHS.]
Group trips to Disneyland and Delilah OD'ing on Dole Whips.
Bigger crowds than the Royal, bigger tips than the Royal.
- Also, me.
- Okay.
Oh! And you haven't lived until you have tasted 16th-century churros.
- I said okay! - Wait, wait, wait.
When? Just now? Yes! Except you were the one rambling, for a change, which is kind of nice.
- Mmm.
- [SMOOCHES.]
- Give me my robe back.
- Mm.
Come and get it! Lovesick in some backwards bayou Lovesick in town Gonna need to call the CDC [VOCALIZING.]
- Guess what.
- No! No goodbyes yet.
I hate goodbyes and endings and leaving things.
No, it's good news.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God! Don't worry.
We can raise it on the circuit together.
Lil Boy's always wanted a younger sibling.
What?! Delilah, no! Sorry.
I assumed.
[LAUGHS.]
You guys can't keep your stinky parts off each other.
[SCOFFS.]
I'm coming to the Simi Faire.
[GASPS.]
This makes me so happy! Last weekend coming up, everybody.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SCREAMING.]
All right! Please refrain from fully partying until the gates close on Sunday.
Also, we have Bo and Jenny's wedding coming up, so - [MURMURING.]
- all hands on deck.
Are you gonna book a stripper to officiate this wedding, too? [LAUGHTER.]
Will the rice have ants in it again? Will the doves be able to fly this time? [LAUGHTER, CHEERS.]
Ha ha.
Very funny.
Ooh! What? I can lead the charge on the wedding planning.
I love details and parties and doves.
Hired.
Which is a figure of speech.
There's no money.
So a small reception, then.
No reception.
Ceremony, souvenir mugs, over and out.
It's Bo and Jenny! They're season ticket holders.
Yeah, we are collecting the leftover booze for the end-of-faire campfire.
[GASPS.]
Oh! What if we just combine the parties? [CHATTER, CHEERS.]
It would be a great way to close out the season.
Fine! But still no money for this thing.
Check in with our resident DJs over there.
- They're probably still available.
- [CHATTER, LAUGHTER.]
Wait.
Am I DJ DabFreak, or are you DJ DabFreak? Me.
Wait.
Yeah, me.
Cool.
Then I'll be DeeJer BeeJer.
Dude, why not DJ BeeJay? - There already is one.
- Ohh.
- I've done a lot of research.
- Nice.
Did we just invite ourselves to crash someone's wedding? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah, we did! Hey! I know everyone's having their end-of-season yard sales, but I need you to stop by mine, okay? Everything's got to go even the bus.
Especially the bus.
That thing eats gas money by the hundy.
- [EXHALES.]
That's a lot.
- Thank you, Helen.
[GRUNTS.]
Cramp! Cramp, cramp! Oh! Already? Juan Andrés made us three-egg omelets, and I had two of them.
- Do the math.
- Oh, fine.
We can take it slow.
[SIGHS.]
My abdomen thanks you.
- Whew! - Ohh.
Don't let me forget the ribbon for Bo and Jenny's handfasting ceremony.
It should be in the trunk.
Speaking of shared props, I would love to not be the only one responsible for transporting all of them to Simi this year.
And I would love to drive something other than a 1999 Toyota Tercel, but God only gives us what we can handle, right? Fine.
Oh.
I've been musing on a new scenario for the next faire Elizabeth enlists Shakespeare to investigate traitors on the court.
Paranoia at Othello levels.
What do you think? Hmm? Sorry.
I've told you, you can't play Othello unless you get a black Desdemona, but even then That's not what I said.
What's going on with you? I don't usually like to talk about auditions.
Too superstitious.
You have an audition? "Hoarders the Musical" wants me to put myself on tape.
A chorus girl dropped out of a window.
She'll live, but her femur won't.
But the Simi Faire.
[LAUGHING.]
Please! The odds are completely against me.
But it is now or never.
Well, good for you, then.
I think it's terrific.
- [SCREAMS.]
- What? [SCREAMS.]
Everything in that box is a dollar.
50 cents? DELILAH: No! What's wrong? Our most beloved Didelphimorphian comrade has shed his mortal coil.
What? RatCat is dead! And RatCat is Lil Boy's armadillo? He is a possum.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Was a possum.
Lil Boy's with my parents this weekend.
What am I gonna tell him when I see him? Well, how do you know he wasn't just playing possum? Because all resuscitation attempts were unsuccessful.
I'm not stupid, Shart! [SIGHS.]
[SOBBING.]
I just I can't believe he's gone! I know the final weekend of the faire is always a little hard on you.
Is this really about RatCat? It's a lot of waterworks for a trash cat rodent? What matters is that I'm upset.
This is our last weekend at the Royal, and RatCat won't be able to experience any of it.
It's a tragedy.
Uh, can you flush a possum? He deserves a proper sendoff.
It's what Lil Boy would want.
I'd love to help you, honey, but we have so much left to pack.
We're sorry for your loss.
Okay.
Oh, you could stuff him.
- I know a guy.
- [SOBS.]
Taxidermy's an art.
[SPUTTERS, EXHALES.]
As Buddhist practitioner Jack Kornfield once said, "Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.
" RatCat did live wisely.
[SIGHS.]
It's lovely.
All good things come to an end, but that doesn't mean those ends can't be beautiful.
I'll help you lay his soul to rest The Buddhist way.
Does that mean you're gonna dress him in an orange robe - and shave his head? - No.
Well, not just that.
AMANDA: So, you guys selected the Queen's Romance Package, which includes an invocation from the queen, a 15-minute ceremony, a reading from Shakespeare, and an after-hours reception.
And the DJs won't cost extra? They're They're our gift to you.
- [GASPS.]
Aww! - Ohh! Oh, did you get the fabric from the kilt guy? I did.
Who? Oh, we want to incorporate a little of my Scottish heritage into the wedding.
- You're Scottish? - Mm-hmm 12%.
I just did my DNA.
His yarmulke's going to be the tartan of Clan MacDonald.
Also 17% Ashkenazi Jew.
- Mazel! - Mm.
Okay, let's talk decorations Overall vibe, signature color, that kind of thing.
I have this, like, mood board I don't think we'll need much more than what's already here.
Yeah.
It is lovely here.
Oh, oh! We do know what Shakespeare reading we'd like, though.
Sonnet 116.
- Nice choice.
- It's a classic.
All right, I'll get Brian right onto it.
Actually, we were thinking could you do it? You want me to read at your wedding? [LAUGHING.]
Yes! We still talk about - the night you arrived - Ohh.
taking the stage like an enchanted fairy.
- A drunk enchanted fairy.
- Very drunk.
We'd never seen anything like it.
And to have watched you, all faire season long, fall deeper and deeper in love with our world Made us remember how we fell in love with it.
'Twould be mine honor.
- Yay.
Aww.
- Ohh! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, WATER SPRAYING.]
Hey, man.
Uh, just checking in on transpo to Simi for the Orbs.
Bro, small glitch.
Simi turned down the permit.
Management thought it might be too anachronistic.
Oho! Okay, that sucks.
- It happens.
- Okay, well, then, um - So, like, my deposit - Whoa.
When you bought in, I told you two things about water balls.
Keep the pool full and that people run out of oxygen after 10 minutes? Okay, fine four things.
Those two, plus you got to run the game yourself, - and there are no refunds.
- I gave you five grand! That's that's my entire savings! Dude, don't panic, man.
Raleigh's chompin' at the bit.
- Raleigh? - Yeah, North Carolina.
I know the guy that ran their escape room last year.
He cleaned up, man.
This is a blessing.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
State-of-the-art impact-resistant material, padded back rest, carry handles, and a cup holder.
- Never been used.
- I don't know.
- I'll ship it to Raleigh for you.
- Deal.
Say the word! That hot tub is priced to move and freshly bleached like my butthole.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
- Hey.
- Hey! Mm, love that cute butt.
So tight! Very tight! Too tight.
What's up? The Orbs of Fury are a no-go.
No permits for Simi, and I'm out five grand.
- No! - Yeah, I know.
And I had such big dreams Pinball machine, island off the coast of France, some stuff in the middle.
Wait.
So, they can just take your money a-and that's it? No, they can't take it, exactly.
It's more like I go to the Raleigh Faire or I lose the deposit.
- You should go to Raleigh.
- What? You were so excited about this.
I mean, I can't leave the guys.
There's the show.
So you're gonna walk away from this investment? They're big boys.
They'll be okay.
They need me.
I'm the eye candy.
When an opportunity presents itself, shouldn't you reach out and grab it? - Oh, yeah? - [LAUGHS.]
I mean yeah? Yeah.
Yeah! David, you have to take a chance on you.
You know what? You're right.
- Of course I'm right! - Yeah.
Okay.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Okay, s Let's do it! - Yes, let's do it! - Yes? Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
- "Let's"? - Yeah, we're going to Raleigh! - Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- [MUFFLED.]
Yeah, you're welcome.
Mm-hmm.
Umm, so so just you and me? I think the Friar usually goes to the Raleigh Faire, if he can hitch a ride DUIs.
Look at me.
I'm a businessman.
We should get you on LinkedIn.
Oh, I should probably go tell the guys.
- Yeah, I should probably - Procrastinate with me? Good idea.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- Oh! Hang on.
Oh! [SIGHS.]
Oh, tell Joanntha that her new clutch is fetching.
I mean, I'm just assuming, but [BEEP.]
Mom? What time do you get in tomorrow night? Why are you calling from Mom's phone? Ugh.
'Cause Hudson's playing Crossy Road on mine.
The kids can't wait to see their Auntie Mandy.
Erin, you know how much I love the kids Wait, hold on.
What? Remi wants another yogurt.
- I told her she was getting chunky.
- I'm on with Amanda.
Erin, there's something I have to tell you.
JOANNTHA: Mandy! Oh, Mandy, my love.
I'm gonna be at a benefit when you get home, but I got you an appointment with Uncle Gary's second wife.
She's a headhunter.
I told her you have a terrible résumé but a sparkling personality.
- She suggested real estate.
- Real estate? Uncle Gary's second wife is in prison.
I meant Uncle Larry.
Also, Erin she saw Brett.
- With a date.
- No! Ugh.
Geez! I was waiting to see you in person, but he was with Evy Lipman.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
He's moving on.
It's fine.
- Really? - Evy Lipman? Please.
Forget it.
Dementia runs in that family.
He can do whatever he wants, because I'm moving on, too.
- No way.
The curved-penis guy? - Excuse me? - Mom! - What? [SIGHS.]
I'm going to another faire In North Carolina.
It's the mud guy, isn't it? The really cute one? Actually, yes.
And I know you're gonna try and talk me out of it, but I want you to know that I have th Good for you.
Wait, what? I saw you.
I saw him.
I get it.
You do? Is Remi allergic to dairy? She looks really blotchy.
She's fine! [WHISPERING.]
Save yourself, bitch.
What do you want me to tell Mom? [SIGHS.]
I guess tell her that I met a businessman and that I'm going to Raleigh.
[BEEP.]
Yeah.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
How's this? Size is good.
The color ugh.
Hot pink has no meaning in Buddhism.
So you're asking me to find a more Buddhist shoe box for your possum funeral? 'Cause I might have to call "bullshit.
" Hey, uh hey, guys.
Y-You got a sec? - Sure.
- We're kind of busy here.
Well, umm, I bought a franchise, a game uh, the Orbs of Fury.
- Ohh! The big plastic water balls? - Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Nice! Suck it, maximum weight limit! I got a man on the inside now.
[LAUGHS.]
You're gonna let me ride, right? Totally If you want to visit me in Raleigh.
Huh? What are you talking about? Simi turned it down.
Wait, so you're bailing on us? I-I would never.
I'm not bailing.
I'm I'm just diversifying.
You know, I-investing in my future.
What about our future? What about our show? - No, I know.
It's just - Oh, actually No, you don't know.
This is a three-man operation, all right? We leave on Monday, and you spring this on us now? That's messed up! And selfish, right? Good for you, man.
- What?! - Everybody know a grasshopper can jump, but a grasshopper also has wings.
What are they for, if not to one day fly? He's not a grasshopper.
He's the eye candy.
"Was.
" I thought I was the eye candy.
A condition, a disease, or is it a matter of will? - He's a freak - She's a loser Perhaps they're mentally ill One person's trash Is someone else's treasure Pieces of the past Are simply there to measure The love that they need A love that has no border There's no love like the love The love of things stacked high above There's no love like the love of stuff To a hoarderrrr - That was wow.
- [GIGGLES.]
Um, but should we do one with just the person who's auditioning? Oh, right.
Yes, of course.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! The idea of chorus girl is beginning to appeal more and more to me.
A chance to create a new persona as one of the people.
I was in the chorus of "A Chorus Line" at a dinner theater once.
The signature dish was the Singularly Sensational Salmon.
[LAUGHS.]
I need to use the little girls' room.
Oh, and while I know you don't love Alicia I don't love raisin bagels.
I despise Alicia.
She's been plotting a coup d'etat since the day she joined the court.
Well, she's put in the time, and she knows the role.
She's next in line to the throne.
I'll make it work.
I know you will.
Pieces of the past I can tell she has her hopes up.
Well, why shouldn't she? She's good.
Being good doesn't guarantee anything.
[STICK CHANTING.]
Wait, stop.
This doesn't feel right.
When I was 8 and my daddy was gonna put down my dog Hepzibah, we gave her the best last day a dog could dream of.
She went to Steak 'n Shake The drive-through And she ate a Frisco Melt, and she threw it up.
She ate another one, and then she ran around the backyard without a leash and chewed up three of Mom's favorite pillows.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
My baby's gone and RatCat's last day was just a regular one.
Nobody to bear witness.
[SIGHS.]
It's like Whitney Houston.
[SOBBING.]
Or Prince.
He deserved better.
As we knew, the close of another wonderful summer season, I feel we ought to read from a most appropriate play - "A Midsummer Night's Dream.
" - [CROWD MURMURS.]
'Twould be an honor to perform with ye, Your Majesty.
Ah, but I am feeling faint from the late summer heat on this day.
Lady Alicia, wouldst thou read the role of Helena, if it please thee? Yes, indeed, Your Majesty! Mayhap we should delay the reading until thou dost recover, my Queen.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! Nay, nay.
I wish to see how Lady Alicia doth perform in my place.
[CROWD MURMURING.]
ALICIA: [CLEARS THROAT.]
Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind.
And therefore, winged Cupid is painted blind.
[CROWD GROANS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Nor hath love's mind of any judgment taste.
- Hey! Can I grab a wine glass? - Red or white? Oh, no, it's for Bo to step on.
- He's a little Jewish.
- Ahh.
Wait a minute.
This might be the last time I see you! I'm taking off early, and I don't go to Simi, so I'm not gonna see you there.
Do you go to Raleigh? I'm going to Raleigh.
Oh, no, sorry.
I only work this faire.
The rest of the year, I teach special ed in Cooperstown.
- Oh, really? - Yep.
It gets awkward when students show up and stick ones down my cleavage.
What are you gonna do there? David has this great opportunity with the Orbs? Was that a question or a statement? Shameless millennial upspeak? [CHUCKLES.]
It's all unfolding live.
First, I thought we were gonna go to Simi, but then I also thought my family was gonna send a private security service to drag me back to the city Pretty much the only thing they haven't tried yet.
But now I'm going to Raleigh with David.
I once followed a guy who followed Springsteen.
I even got a lower-back tattoo that says "Tunnel of Love.
" Poor choice.
He lives in Ottawa now.
I'm not following a guy.
I'm following my heart to Raleigh, with David.
Yeah.
I'll find my thing.
Well, you can never have enough pub wenches, eh? Ah! - L'chaim.
- [SIGHS.]
Thank you.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yes! Yes! Yes! Dearest Shart, wouldst thou not agree that this is our bestest, most beauteous, most generous audience that we have ever had? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
And here I thought that brown stuff on your nose was mud.
Stick! But seriously, good people, this is our real job, and we would appreciate whatever coins you might have - in your pocket.
- Cough it up.
Pockets? Did someone say "pockets"? Mine are as holey as the Archbishop of Canterbury! [LAUGHTER.]
Well, if it isn't my long-lost sister Mistress Dingle O'Belly! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right, now come give your big sister a hug! Ohh! Let's go! Whew! [LAUGHTER.]
Aw! I missed you! - Aah! - [STAMMERING.]
[CROWD SCREAMS.]
Aah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What the hell was that? The woman in the front row? She threw me off, too! Zombie contacts.
[SHUDDERS.]
I'm gonna have nightmares.
I meant Natasha.
- You knew about her.
- No, I didn't.
- Should I go? - No.
You said you were gonna tell him.
No, you said you were gonna tell him.
No, you were gonna t Oh, wait! Yeah, I was gonna tell him.
- I'm gonna go.
- No! You're the one leaving us in the lurch.
You don't get to be mad when we fill the lurch.
This isn't the lurch.
- The lurch is in California.
- The lurch is you leaving.
But I haven't left yet, so there is no lurch.
We had to grab Natasha before she went to another faire.
- She's good! - She is.
You are.
- Thanks.
- Plus, she's already used to being around two guys all the time.
Fine.
Yeah.
I should have gone.
Yeah, probably.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
I've been thinking about Hepzibah.
From the Bible? [VOICE BREAKING.]
Oh, no the dog.
I think we should have the best last day at the Royal For RatCat.
We could start at the maypole, one of my personal favorite spots.
It's so colorful! [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh, and Cyril's English Toffees! Mmm! I mean, RatCat's really gonna miss that.
I've only tried Cyril's chocolate truffles.
Let's get into some toffee.
'Cause I'm having a good time, having a good time I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky like a tiger I'm gonna go, go, go There's no stopping me I'm burning through the sky, yeah, 200 degrees That's why they call me Mr.
Fahrenheit I'm traveling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic man outta you Don't stop me now If you want to have a good time Just give me a call Don't stop me now 'cause I'm having a good time Don't stop me now, yes, I'm having a good time I don't want to stop at all Feels good to say a proper goodbye.
Lil Boy would be happy.
Until next time, faire friend.
[SIGHS.]
Ahh di da, ah di dahhhh Hey! Hey, so, I've been thinking about Raleigh Me too.
You were right.
They'll never miss me.
So psyched about these orbs.
It's gonna be awesome.
It is gonna be awesome for you.
You have a thing.
I don't really have a thing.
Come on.
When you got here, you had nothing.
Now look at you.
You're running the whole show.
I guess.
Hey.
We're gonna do this together.
All right? Just we'll figure it out.
- Yeah.
- Right? - Totally, yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Come on.
- Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
Come on.
- Wedding time.
- Yeah! [FAIRE BAND PLAYING "MORE THAN WORDS".]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Yeah! Oh! Hi! [GIGGLES.]
- Love is in the air! - You like it? [SQUEALS.]
I'm so proud of you! - It's a dream.
- I love a wedding! - Why, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
The sun, whose beams most glorious are Rejecteth no beholder And your sweet beauty past compare Made my poor eyes the bolder - As the ties are joined - Where beauty moves And wit delights And signs of kindness bind me There, O there, where'er I go I leave my heart behind me And now a reading from Mistress Ophelia Feelsgood.
From Sonnet 116 by William Shakespeare.
"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds "or bends with the remover to remove.
"Oh, no.
"It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.
" - [CROWD MURMURS.]
- Mm.
Master Bo, dost thou take this woman to be thy lawfully wedded wife? I do.
And, Mistress Jenny, dost thou take this man - to be thy lawfully wedded husband? - I do.
Then I do pronounce thee husband and wife.
Thou may kiss thy bride.
[CROWD "AWWS".]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[GIGGLES.]
Yeah! Are these slacks too big? Or have I been wearing tights too long? [CHUCKLES.]
You look great, babe.
[SMOOCHES.]
Okay, which shirt? Is this a trick? I got it! [PANTING.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
What? - "Hoarders the Musical.
" I'm playing a dust bunny! Among other roles.
That's amazing, Maggie! Congratulations! What happened to the odds being against you? I guess I overcame the odds.
Ooh! That's a good memoir title.
"Maggie Chainey: Overcoming the Odds.
" [EXHALING RAPIDLY.]
- I don't know what to say.
- How about "congrats"? [LAUGHS.]
How about you're happy for me? Of course he's happy for you.
We both are, right? I'm happy for you.
Not your best work.
Your slacks are too big.
Na na na na, na na na na na na Na na na na, na na na na na na - Aah! [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! God! You scared me! This is so much better than the farewell campfire.
I don't think I've ever seen two people so in love like them.
Then you've never seen "The Notebook.
" [LAUGHING.]
I mean in real life.
Don't waste your time with the little boys Stay out at the playground You look gorgeous.
You look like a sexy Minion.
Thank you! You can borrow it when we get to Simi.
- [SIGHS.]
- Oh, it just sneaks up on me.
I keep forgetting you're not gonna be there.
I'm really gonna miss you.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
You're my family.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
All good things come to an end.
But that doesn't mean those ends can't be beautiful.
- That's lovely.
- Yeah, it's a Buddhist thing.
Gotta give me that big love - I love you.
- I love you.
Na na na na na na [MUSIC STOPS.]
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
- ["HAVA NAGILA" PLAYS.]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ah! Chair thing! [CLAPPING, CHATTER.]
Let's go! - Go ahead, man.
- Oh, no, you go ahead.
Looks like you can handle it.
I [SCOFFS.]
I can! But you got this.
I mean, you can probably do this all on your own.
I'd really prefer if no one does this all on their own.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Fine.
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ohh! Whoo! Whoo! [STRAINING.]
Hey! Sorry about earlier.
[STRAINING.]
I'm sorry, too.
One, two, three, hey! I'm excited.
We'll see.
Milady.
Thank you! Not just for this, but for everything.
For today.
You went along and didn't skip a beat.
Unlike RatCat's heart, which skipped all the beats.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I appreciate you indulging me.
I like indulging you.
You shine with true Zen spirit.
Cheers.
Can't tell you how we do it Gotta show you how we move it Just let your worries fade away, baby - Hey! - Huh? Hey, you can't touch this.
- This cake's for the bride and groom.
- Sorry! - They have not even taken a picture.
- Sorry.
Stoners! Get out of here! Cyril, you've outdone yourself.
You're the cocktail king! - Hey! - Hi.
Cheers! Yes! So, I know Bo and Jenny said no gifts, but do you think they'd want a gently used hot tub? I only made love in it four times This morning.
[GASPS.]
I'll throw in the chlorine tablets, too! Brett! What are you doing here? Okay, l-let me explain.
No! I know you're hurting, and I know you want me back, and I get it, but it's over, Brett.
- I - I'm sorry, okay? I'm just here to get back the engagement ring.
What?! Are you getting engaged to Evy Lipman? No! No, I only went over there twice.
E-Erin said you were going to some other faire or something.
I didn't know when I was gonna see you again.
It's my grandmother's ring, and my mom's been up my ass about it.
Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, I feel like a real idiot now.
Need any pointers? I'm very practiced at feeling like an idiot.
What? No snark? No.
After what you did for Delilah? - That was - Important to me.
After everything I put you through, it was the least I could do.
Keep it, keep it groovin' Keep it, keep it movin' Keep it, keep it groovin' All right, party people! It's time to slow things down.
This one's for all the lovers out there.
- Ohh, yeahhh.
- [SLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
[FEEDBACK.]
I shouldn't be surprised you're such a good dancer.
Who, me? Seven years of contemporary jazz and several high school musicals, thank you very much.
Oh I still know some of my Harold Hill soft-shoe.
Actually a-five, six, seven Oh, I'd love to see it really.
But I'm thinking maybe you should do a dance with your girl.
You and I are gonna have lots of slow dances together.
God bless your non-dysfunctional parents.
You are extraordinary.
Like, I really feel like this was, like, fate, you know? - Ohh.
- Yeah.
So, like, the kind of queen that I want to be is like - Alicia sucks.
- I know.
She's been running around yelling "God save the me" at everyone.
Well, you and I haven't always gotten along, either.
At least you've always been talented.
I really am happy for you.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss our martinis at sunset, making fun of that horrible steak-on-a-stake girl Your homemade muesli.
I'll miss you, too.
But we'll talk, we'll make plans.
It's not like we'll never see each other again.
Besides, I feel like I'm leaving you in pretty good hands.
Maggie, my Queen I'll see you on opening night.
If everything hadn't happened the way it did, who's to say we wouldn't have fallen apart eventually anyway? That's one way to look at it.
The wedding that's going on out there right now, that's what a wedding should be.
Two people who are ready to be together because they already know what they want and who they are.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm still kind of figuring that out.
Me too.
Well, I did figure one thing out I do not want to go out with Evy Lipman again.
She's unfriendly and wears too much foundation.
Wait, is that what that line under her jaw is? I couldn't figure it out.
- It's crusty.
- Extremely.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I just don't think about it that much anymore, 'cause at the end of the day, it's about how the horse feels, not me.
Yeah, that's really fascinating.
- One Bo-jito, please.
- Got it.
The Jenny-mopolitan is tasty.
Signature cocktails nice touch.
Thank you.
I hear you're planning to go to Raleigh.
- Yep.
- Why? I'm going with David.
I know you'll be devastated not to have me there at Simi.
Who are you gonna body-slam in mud? Actually, I am not going to Simi.
I booked a role in a Broadway musical.
Oh, my God! That's amazing! When opportunity arises, you have to grab it.
So I hear.
So this is goodbye, then.
Oh, I don't do goodbyes.
I prefer to disappear in the middle of the night.
- The Irish goodbye.
- The French exit.
Ghosting.
I guess every culture has a name for avoiding prolonged interaction at the end of the gathering.
Uh, Maggie? Would you like to dance? With me? I'd love to.
I'll take that bottle of Sauvignon Blanc I asked you to chill.
You were good today, reading at the wedding.
That means a lot coming from the bard himself.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Care to dance, milady? I believe I would.
So, Amanda Klein your very first Ren Faire has come to a close.
Indeed, it has.
Thoughts, comments, concerns? Notes from a city lady? Actually, no.
No changes.
It was perfect.
I'm very glad to hear that.
Don't walk away Don't walk away Don't walk away Amanda? [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[SIGHS.]
- [LAUGHTER, CHATTER.]
- MAN: Tickets! Get your tickets! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[CUP CLATTERS.]
- Stick! - [FANFARE.]
All good gentles, repeat after me! God save the queen! CROWD: God save the queen! God save the queen - Once more! - God save the queen! Again, good people of England! God save the queen! ALL: God save the queen! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! God save the queen We love our queen