Animal Control (2023) s01e10 Episode Script

1
♪
Don't do it.
Are you guys doing hot
yoga in here afterwards?
'Cause this is ridiculous.
[EXAGGERATED TEETH CHATTERING]
I know someone just
mistakenly bumped this
'cause I know everyone
respects my directive
to keep the temperature at 76 degrees.
Emily you think that temperature
standards are sexist, right?
Just a dated bias towards
men's metabolic rates.
So, how exactly did you get to 76?
Victoria, you've got a
woman's metabolism, right?
- Yes.
- Terrific. What do you think of 76 degrees?
Honestly, the number
means nothing to me.
I don't understand Fahrenheit
and I'm not going to learn it.
Well played.
- [PIG SQUEALING]
- [SHRED] Pig!
Pig! Pig! Somebody help me cut him off.
- [VICTORIA] I'm going to go this way.
- I was trying to give her a bath
- but the tub door unlatched.
- [VICTORIA] Oh, oh, oh
[SHRED] She's going around!
Got her! No, I don't!
What did you put on her
'cause she's super slick.
It was conditioner to
get out the canola oil,
which was to get out the
gum, which was my bad.
- Here, here. Take this.
- [VICTORIA] Wait, wait, wait!
Wait, am I doing this just so
you can say pig in a blanket?
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
- [FRANK] There you go.
- [PIG SQUEALING]
There we go. Yeah, there we go.
- [PIG GRUNTING]
- What's that? Oh yeah.
She prefers 72 degrees as well.
[OPENING TITLE THEME SONG]
♪
♪
Okay. Good morning everyone.
So for today we have
Thought you could use some extra fuel
since you're down a man.
[IN UNISON] Hey Rick!
You are spoiling us.
Oh, you are the best.
Stop it, don't mind me.
Please do your boss thing.
That's very nice of you.
Um okay. So, uh
with Patel still out,
uh, I thought Victoria
and Shred could do
the presentation at
Sotomayor Elementary.
- Switching up the teams. Interesting.
- Mmhmm.
Yeah. Well, Frank can't do school
visits 'cause he's too condescending.
Yeah. If you don't know what
a mammal is by fifth grade
I'm gonna take you down.
Are you okay with some
positive energy in the truck?
It's just, I don't wanna shock you
after months of abuse and joylessness.
- Yeah.
- Maybe you could throw in a couple eye rolls
just to ease the
transition. Call me an idiot.
I can do that.
Yeah. I'd bring a phonebook
for him to sit on, maybe.
He can see over the
dash. Bring some toys.
Frank, if you need a hand today,
I'd be happy to ride along.
Huh? Just like the old days.
- Butch and Sundance?
- [CHUCKLING]
[IMITATING GUN NOISES]
Rick was the most tolerable
partner I've ever had.
- Stop it. No, it's fine.
- You know, you don't need to do that.
You know, I don't wanna
take advantage of you.
I brought coffee the past four days.
Clearly, I miss being here. Please.
[BEGGING] Please!
- Please.
- Okay.
Yay! Alright.
- That's fun.
- I'm back!
- [SHRED] Patel!
- Hey!
- [ALL] Hey!!!!
- You're back!
Oh sorry to kill the vibe.
You still have one
more day of suspension.
Yeah, totally.
I was wondering if I could
come back a day early.
All three of my kids are
home sick from school.
It is unimaginable.
Yeah, I guess you could do
your online gun safety
training from here.
- That's fine.
- [SIGHS] Oh, thank you.
- [EMILY] Yeah, that's fine.
- Oh, hey. Patel.
If you're back just a quick heads up,
you can't use the panini press.
I found a gob of gouda last time.
Come on, man. That wasn't my gouda gob.
- I told you.
- Until Patel takes responsibility
for his fromage felony
I vote that we ban him from the press.
All in favor say aye.
- [IN UNISON] Aye.
- What? All of you?
Frank, can you come see
me in my office real quick?
No problem.
Can you imagine if we had motorcycles?
[LAUGHING]
We will. Let's get them.
- Hey.
- Hey. I am just a little worried
about Rick being out in the field.
I just really don't want
him to get hurt again.
The chances of him losing a second ear
- are near mathematically impossible.
- I know. I know.
Will you just make sure
that nothing happens to him?
Well, of course, he's my partner.
Okay.
It's just a little hard to tell, uh,
when you're being sarcastic
and when you're being sincere.
Oh. This is my sarcastic look.
Mmhmm.
And this is my sincere look.
- Uh-huh-ha.
- Cool?
Err sure.
Okay. Should we open with
the turtle and talk about
how climate change is
eradicating its habitat?
Err that seems a little heavy.
Maybe we just have the
turtle eat a carrot.
Okay.
It feels weird to be
going back to school.
Right? I'm actually kinda nervous.
School was tough for me.
Really? I would've
thought teachers loved you.
No, no. I was always acting out
and I couldn't sit still in class.
I had a really bad case
of ants in the pants,
and probably dyslexia,
if I'm being honest.
I really hated my teachers
because I went to this
super strict parochial school
and they would shame me.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Do you think that's why you're so
- So what?
Like free-spirited.
- Just You know, like lifestyle wise.
- I don't
Hmm. What do you mean?
I don't know. No, it's
stupid, never mind.
I'm mess I'm totally
messing with you.
Yeah. No. That is a big reason
why I like sex and drugs
so much and hate authority.
- Yeah.
- Unless it's in the context of role-play.
- You know what I mean?
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Uh yeah. For sure. Cool.
Do you remember when we worked
that software company party
- and brought the camel?
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
And somehow you got the camel
to spit on that tech bro?
Yeah, you just tickle their tummy.
I learned it when I was with
the, uh, Peace Corps in Yemen.
- [CHUCKLING]
- God. It's good to be back in the saddle.
[DISPATCH] Truck 12.
Report of a spider loose
at Tompkins Public
Library. 1740 Denny Way.
- May I?
- But of course.
Truck 12 responding.
Truck 12. How is it going out there?
- [RICK] Fine.
- Okay. Just checking in.
Just wanna make sure everything is okay.
[DISPATCH] Please keep this
line clear for incident calls.
Yup. Just checking in.
[DISPATCH] Thank you.
Okay. But I am the boss
so I can check in whenever I want to.
[DISPATCH] Oh, thank you.
No, thank you.
You're both heard and appreciated.
Sorry.
How's the online training going?
So good. It's super informative.
Mmhmm. Mmhmm.
The dog pays out two
to one so I owe you 10.
Excuse me.
Did I just hear about some
gambling on the premises?
We got a little game of,
"what's the next animal
to walk through the door?"
Oh. And you are?
Jack, the veterinary tech assistant.
Patel.
Yeah, I know. I've been here six months.
Oh. So you take in a lot of action?
Most of the support staff plays.
What? How did I not know about this?
You guys in the field don't know
half of what we get up to in the office.
Or our names apparently.
What else am I missing?
Friday classic movie lunch.
We just wrapped up a
Preston Sturges run.
Cool. Well, I gotta get back
to this online-training course.
Hey. Quick question.
What's a rabbit pay out at?
You think VIP means us?
We're animal cops.
What's more VIP in elementary school.
Yeah, sweet.
[WHISPERING] Where have you guys been?
We got here as fast as we could.
[WHISPERING] It's been over an hour.
Storytime was a disaster.
A girl knocked over the
terrarium and the spider bolted.
What section is it in?
[WHISPERING] YA. All
the way in the back.
- This just got complicated.
- [WHISPERING] Why?
It's just that tween spiders
are particularly volatile.
[WHISPERING] Can you please
just go get the spider?
We'll start in YA and then
we'll flush it to self-improvement.
Okay.
[PHONE CHIMES]
- Yes?
- Hey Frank
[FRANK] Yes?
Hey. How is it going?
Well, same as it was five minutes ago.
It's weird that you keep checking in.
I know. I'm just, you
know, I'm a little worried.
Yeah. I got that.
Tarantula at 12 o'clock.
Uh, what? Those are super dangerous.
- I got it.
- [GRUNTS]
We did it! We got her!
[APPLAUSE]
[FRANK] Teamwork!
Shh!
Man! A tarantula call! Just awesome!
- That was fun.
- You did kinda jump in front of me there.
Sorta like you were nervous for me.
You want the truth?
Only way I take my coffee.
Emily's worried you're
gonna get hurt again
and she asked me to keep an eye on you.
Ahh.
I'm worried too.
'Cause last time it was
my fault you got hurt.
What are you talking about?
When you were getting
mauled by that mink,
I ran away.
I was terrified. I almost peed myself.
I'm sorry.
Wait, what?
I'm sorry you've had
to carry that around.
God. How evolved are you?
It was one moment, Frank.
Yeah. But, I mean, I pride myself
from being relatively brave.
But something about that mink,
it hit me in a primal place and
that one minute still haunts me.
"It is not the events that upset us,
"it is our judgments about them."
Marcus Aurelius.
When did you have time
to check out that book?
I have a one swipe express pass.
I'm a bit of a frequent
flyer in the stoic section.
- Nerd.
- You've gotta stop judging yourself.
Everything worked out the
way it was supposed to.
Great. Now I feel both absolved and,
uh, completely inferior
as a human being to you.
It reminds me of, uh,
Epictetus. He once said
Well, why don't we take
a quote break? Just
Right.
"Do not express your
philosophy, embody it."
That was another quote, wasn't it?
No.
It was.
So this guy is one of my personal faves.
He's a white New Zealand rabbit.
Sadly, a lot of these guys end
up at the precinct just after Easter.
[VOICE ON PA SYSTEM] Would
Fred Taylor and Victoria Sands
report to the Principal's office?
[CHILDREN IN UNISON] Ooh!
What? Are we in trouble?
Can we just leave these?
We're gonna leave these here.
Don't open that one.
[CHILDREN IN UNISON] Ooh!
So, I have this iguana.
My daughter went to rehab
and I can't take care of it.
You did the right thing bringing it in.
At 100 to one odds. Yeah baby!
[ALL GROANING]
So, is it okay if I leave it?
Yes. Uh, thank you for
being a responsible citizen.
Okay. I don't know what's happening
but it doesn't really
seem like your job.
No, it most certainly does
not. You have my Venmo.
Patel! Online training.
What is happening?
Can I be candid? I've
lost a little momentum.
Yeah, you're not gonna finish it
by the end of the day, are you?
No, I'm gonna get it done by tomorrow.
There is literally cheese
all over the kitchen.
If there's manchego
in there, that's on me.
Or sharp cheddar.
You know what? I'm just gonna do,
like, a general cheese clean.
That would be great.
Why do you think you're here?
[SHRED] Umm
We don't know. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Stop fidgeting.
Okay. Why don't you
tell us why we're here?
Well, it seems that some people
think that they're
very important people.
Oh, the parking spot.
She's talking about the parking spot.
Yes, the VIP parking spot,
which is reserved for
hard-working personnel
who have gone above and
beyond the call of duty.
I mean, you're teachers, so
- Señora Rosenblatt earned it this month.
- [VICTORIA] Good for her.
Okay, uh, so do you want
us to move the truck then?
What I would've liked
is if you hadn't had parked
there in the first place.
Okay. Well, we can fix that.
Why don't you just point us
towards your time machine?
[LAUGHING]
Oh. A comedienne.
So the presentation
today wasn't enough?
You need a second stage today?
Getting attention any way you can.
Any way you can get it. Yeah.
No.
Please move your
vehicle to the outer lot.
[PRINCIPAL] Now.
Okay.
That is all.
Are you kidding me?!
There's an open spot right here!
Okay. I'm not a gambler
but I'd go all in on that
being Señora Rosenblatt's car.
Wait. So she had to park right here.
What's the big whoop?
- I'm mad.
- She's wee and vindictive.
- [VICTORIA] Yeah.
- We gotta serve her back!
Okay.
- [VICTORIA] Hey.
- [SHRED] What?
Can you draw?
We shouldn't.
I know.
- It'd be hilarious though.
- It really would.
- Yeah.
- [BOTH GIGGLING]
Can you do a willy?
Oh, I can do a willy.
Oh, you're going
you're going horizontal.
Nice. Oh. Wow.
You really wanna take up the canvas.
Yeah.
Oh. Yeah. Details.
Tada!
- Perfect.
- Thank you.
- Let's get back to the kids.
- Yup.
Cat, cat, cat, cat,
cat, cat. Gimme a cat.
Any cat'll do. Come
on. Come on, come on.
[PATEL] Dog! You've gotta be kidding me!
God, I can't catch a
break! How much am I down?
- 700.
- No, that can't be right. That
I'm probably gonna need some
collateral at this point.
Is your car title handy?
Yeah. Let me just, uh
Really? I know where you work, Patel.
Your desk is right there.
Hey. What do you say we grab some ribs
to wash away any lingering
vulnerability from the confession.
You thinking Memphis or Texas style?
Oregon. They brine them in pinot noir.
- Ohhh.
- [DISPATCH] Truck 12.
Report of an aggressive mink
loose at Dunsmuir Racquet Club.
Approach with extreme caution.
Uh Truck 12. Can
can you repeat that?
[DISPATCH] Report of
an aggressive mink loose
at Dunsmuir Racquet Club.
No way.
So, in conclusion, Seattle may be a city
but it's also home to
all kinds of critters.
That's right. And remember
kids, pugs not drugs.
[APPLAUSE]
[PA] Would Fred Taylor
and Victoria Sands
please report to the Principal's office?
- [CHILDREN IN UNISON] Ooh!
- [PA] Again.
Again?
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Oh. You won't be laughing
when I call your supervisor.
Can she do that?
No gum.
Oh, good! You're
making another sandwich.
Just one last panini before
I get into the deep clean.
Mmhmm. Well, I have something for you.
Your three-animal parlay hit and
I had to Google what that meant.
Dolores told me everything.
Seriously?
You're a field guy.
You were always gonna take the fall.
Patel, you know, I am I
am extending your suspension.
No, no, no, no, no. You can't do that.
You don't want me, I'm the small fish.
You want Jack. He's the kingpin.
Yeah, well Jack has two open lawsuits
against the department right
now so he's kind of untouchable.
Listen to me, you can't
suspend me for another week.
My kids have bronchitis
for God knows how long.
Bronchitis lingers, Emily. It lingers.
How is that my problem?
I'm I'm sorry.
What? No. Hey, hey.
The punishment doesn't fit the crime.
- Sorry.
- Emily, hey!
What?
Oh this isn't about me bonding
with the support staff at all.
This is about you and some side feelings
that you're having that
you're taking out on me.
What are you talking about?
Are you worried about Rick
being out in the field again
because you're vibing with him?
Wha What?
You know, as a married guy
I have certain insights.
And you're you're vibing
and you're freaking out
because you're worried that he's
gonna get hurt again or something.
No. There is no there
is there is no vibe.
There's no vibe! There's no vibe!
Let me assure you, what happened
out there was a very rare situation.
It's not gonna happen again.
Hey! Rick's responding
to another mink call.
[BOTH] What?
If that pays out that's 50 to one!
[LAUGHING]
God, I hope Rick's okay.
Hey. We're here about the mink.
He's on court seven.
Oh, man.
This is your moment.
Our moment, yes.
Your moment.
To face your regret and rectify it
and let you be totally integrated
with the man you know you are.
Imagine the catharsis.
Absolutely. Totally.
But imagine your catharsis
at facing down arguably
your greatest enemy,
capturing it and then righting
this wrong in the universe.
I've already said that my enemy
was my archangel in disguise.
- This is all you.
- Rick
I insist.
You wanna go in together?
I just don't wanna steal your catharsis.
Okay.
[FRANK] What the?! Hey! Rick!
Rick! Come on, man!
How's it feel to be abandoned?!
Rick. Open the door!
It's in here with me!
Rick, what are you doing?
- Rick, please!
- [MINK HISSING]
- [PANTING]
- I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Oh! The latch!
The latch, latch, latch, latch, latch!!!
Oh, it's on. It's on. It's on.
Oh I'm sorry. PTSD.
That's how he got me last time.
Man, I got some stuff bubbling up, huh?
Yeah.
So, you gonna let me out?
Hmm? Yes. Yeah. Whoo!
He's in there, right?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm all good.
I didn't mean to do
that, sorry. Sorry, sorry.
It's all good, baby.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Well, that must be your supervisor.
Come in.
Oh. I was expecting someone named Emily?
You got Emily's boss. Amit Patel.
This was too important so I had
to shoot it right upstairs to me.
Sadly, I am an expert in these two.
Mmhmm. What do you
have to say for yourselves?
I guess we're sorry.
Yeah, I guess we're sorry.
Oh, you guess you're sorry?
Do apologies like that fly
at Sotomayor Elementary?
- No, they don't.
- Nor do they at Precinct 22!
So let me do it for you the right way.
I sincerely apologize.
Not only to you personally but
to the entire school district.
And it goes without saying
that we will be paying
any cost related to removing
any offending genitalia.
Yuck!
Well, I appreciate that.
[SIGHS] And we
appreciate you, Principal.
I hope to see you again. Let's go.
- Now!
- Yup.
[PATEL] And I can promise you,
this is not the end of it for them.
- Thank you.
- Did you want some gum?
No. You guys are lucky
I picked up the phone.
Yes. Thank you so much, partner.
I'm not sure you two make a good combo.
Hmm, yeah. From, like,
a work perspective
- no, probably not.
- No, but from a vandalism standpoint
I think we really complement each other.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Okay. Well, I gotta get outta here.
Let's go.
- [PATEL] Guys.
- [BOTH GIGGLING]
Rick, this is gonna sound
weird but I wanna thank you
for locking me in the octagon
with the Royce Gracie of minks.
I actually feel a sense of catharsis.
I got a good glimpse of my shadow self.
I'm so disappointed. I
can't imagine how you feel.
Dude. We're square.
It's all good, really.
Some say this is John
Huston's finest work.
That is debatable but what's not
is that this is a riveting film
and epitomizes the genre known as noir.
Ladies and gentlemen
The Maltese Falcon.
[APPLAUSE]
Black and white?
I've been texting you! We got a call.
Oh, seriously?
Yeah, seriously. We're
responders, we respond.
- That's our job. Let's go.
- Okay.
It's alright, man. You
belong in the field.
Truth is, you can't
afford to be in the office.
Hey, I'm gonna get you that 500 bucks.
And when you do, you'll
get your phone back.
Bye guys.
Did you want me to turn these off?
- Yeah.
- Yes, please.
[ALL] Come on! [BOOING]