Animaniacs (2020) s01e10 Episode Script


[THEME SONG PLAYING]
It's time for Animaniacs ! ♪
And we're zany to the max ♪
So just sit back and relax ♪
You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
- Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
- And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
Our careers have made comebacks ♪
We're Animaniacs! ♪
Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪
A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪
Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪
And ethnically diverse ♪
The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪
We're Animaniacs ♪
You should see our new contracts ♪
We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪
May cause eye strain-y ♪
Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[ZAPPING]
[DING]
And you think that microwaving
the remote will give it magical powers,
allowing you to travel
back and forth through time
with the forward and rewind buttons?
Uh-huh!
- Well, works for me!
- Let's see it!
[ZAPS]
[GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
You did something to the TV!
WAKKO: What is this?
YAKKO: Either Drew Carey's lost weight again,
or this is overseas TV.
Sebastian, your bid for
this kilogram of maize is
317 million Venezuelan bolivars.
Retail price
400 million Venezuelan bolivars!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [DING]
New retail price
10 billion bolivars?!
[CROWD YELLING]
DOT: We're getting Futbol Mundial.
ANNOUNCER: Goal!
DOT: Cricket Mundial.
ANNOUNCER: Goal!
[CROWD CHEERING]
DOT: Space Spheres Mundial?
ANNOUNCER: Goal!
[RUSSIAN-STYLE MUSIC PLAYING]
It's time for Anima-nyet ♪
Comply or face max punishment ♪
So take seat and stay alert ♪
We'll give you reasonable smirk ♪
We're Anima-nyet ♪
[♪♪♪]
RUSSIAN ANNOUNCER: And now,
"Territories of Russian Federation."
Brother Wakov, sing song about
territories of Russian Federation
because I am ignorant plebeian.
YAKKO: Hey!
I am not an ignorant plebeian!
I don't even know what that means!
Sh! Quiet! Russian me is singing!
[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]
Georgia is Russian, so is Ukraine ♪
Kosovo, Armenia ♪
Still have Lithua nia ♪
Crimean Peninsula is
Russian all the way! ♪
And our global sphere of
influence extends to USA ♪
Hey! ♪
He was flat for that entire chorus.
DOT: What's the matter, boys?
Can't take a little Russian razzing?
- Nyet , idiot brothers!
- Wait
Nyet, nyet, nyet.
You shame our leader by
underestimating reach
of mighty Russian Federation.
That's supposed to be me?!
I do not look, sound,
or probably smell like that!
Oh, that's what everybody says
when they see themselves on camera.
Is punishment time.
Follow sister Dotski.
ALL: Forgive us, Mr. Putin,
president for life.
We deserve kick in buttskis
for not mention Damascus in song.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Sibs, we gotta do something
about these Russians.
We are in agreement to act about USA.
We could write them
a strongly worded email?
We could hack weakly secured email?
We could launch
a land invasion in the winter!
Third time's the charm!
We could have another world war.
Third time is charm.
Can they hear us?
[WHISTLING]
- Ah-choo!
- Gesundheit.
[SCREAMING]
[BEEPING]
We've been compromised!
- But how?
- [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Hello, Warners! Is me!
USA intern Bradimir!
I'm here for take coffee order,
and also for fix broken television.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Is shiny as new!
See you round, like dome of Kremlin!
[THUD]
Does anyone else think
there's something
odd about that new intern?
- Yeah.
He didn't take our coffee orders.
[FLY BUZZING]
Maybe he is taking coffee orders.
Nah, it's 2:00 PM.
The writers went home hours ago.
[WHISTLING]
Hidden cameras, stolen scripts
[GASP]
The Russians have been spying on us!
Hey! This is America!
Only the NSA is allowed to do that!
[DISAPPOINTED GROANING]
We've gotta stop 'em!
[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]
[EAGLE SCREECHING]
[WIND WHISTLING]
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]
Wow. Russia is exactly like the movies.
It is so exciting to have visit
from USA Warnerovs.
As you will see,
Russian television is equal
[DONKEY BRAYING]
at anything made in imperialist West.
This is where is filmed popular
Russian inquisitive program,
"Who Wants To Be Oligarch?"
[GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Who is greatest leader in world?
Uh C?
- [AIRHORN BLOWING]
- [CROWD CHEERING]
And here, we have most
popular cooking show,
"Master Beet Chef."
I like extensive use of beet.
And if you watch
channel backwards three,
you must know next show,
"Moron Mouse and Ratsputin!"
What do we accomplish
tomorrow evening, Ratsputin?
Same thing we accomplish
all evening, Moron Mouse.
Support current leader
and ask no question.
And here we are!
Least but not last.
Anima-nyet!
Finally, it is time
to put an end to this!
[CREAKING]
Maybe it'll die peacefully, on its own.
Get to places, or 10 years gulag!
[FEEDBACK SQUEALS]
[GRUNTING, PANTING]
And actionski!
[GRUNTS]
Whoa!
I am Ivan the Terrible!
Zany depiction of
beloved historical figure!
Mr. The Terrible,
I am torment you for funny effect.
I, too, am torment you for humor!
Nyet, nyet, nyet.
Ivan is first-ever Russian strongman.
Always, we bow down to strongman.
[SOKOLOV MOUTHING WORDS]
This is outrageous!
For starters, my slacks are smokey topaz,
not tan!
[SOKOLOV GROWLS]
[PLEASED GRUMBLE]
DOT: Is that supposed to be Hello Nurse?
Hello
Female Medical Professional.
No, no, no, cutski!
You deliver all wrong!
Hello, Female Medical Professional.
I don't understand why is funny.
- [WOMAN SHRIEKS]
- [YAKOV GASPS]
Is funny because female not smart enough
to be medical professional! [LAUGHS]
DOT: That's it!
We order you to stop this sexist,
stupid, sad-sack, meta-satire at once!
Ha! I am big-shot Sergei Sokolov!
I director of famous Russian movie films:
"Pole Fiction,"
"The Devil Reads Pravda,"
And "ET: Elect Trump!"
I cannot be stopped!
Don't say we didn't warn you.
[SMASH]
Music!
- Huh?
Original Animaniacs composer
Randy Rogel?
[WHISPERING] Help me.
[CHAIN RATTLING]
After the song.
[LIVELY PIANO MELODY]
To be like me ♪
All you gotta be ♪
Is perfect, funny, cute,
and smart and strong ♪
And if time permits ♪
Find your Slavic counterfeits ♪
And kick their ample
buttski from this song ♪
- [SAWING]
- [PLAYING OUT OF TUNE]
To be like me,
eat everything you see ♪
[BELCH]
And always stand up for your mates ♪
[SMASH]
And if some big brawny czar ♪
Is acting real bizarre ♪
Just pop his muscle suit,
and watch him deflate ♪
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
And to be like me, well,
buddy, here's the key ♪
Use the pen and not the sword
when you're in a fight ♪
You can write a clever rhyme ♪
Turn your foes into a mime ♪
And then sign off by wishing
everyone good night! ♪
Let me out, or I call police!
Yeah, I don't think they'll care.
It's a victim-less mime.
[♪♪♪]
So, to be like us,
it doesn't take much fuss ♪
And just like us,
it's really all black and white ♪
You just gotta be yourself ♪
Don't copy someone else ♪
'Cause being you is a singular delight ♪
[SONG ENDS]
[SCREAMING]
Happy-go-lucky tinkle-dee-doo-dah song?
Nyet on my watch.
[BUZZ]
[BLAST]
Who is director of this disgrace?
You are under arrest
for make subversive content song
in Putin wonderland of tolerance.
[GROWLING, ROARING]
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
I apologize for my countryman.
Russians are good people.
We just have egotistical idiot in power.
We know the feeling, comrade.
(PLANE FLYING)
Bye-bye, Warners!
Safe travels to land of heated dog beds
and battery-powered greeting cards!
How'd she find us a flight so fast?
Apparently, this plane flies
Moscow to Washington daily.
[HAIL TO THE CHIEF PLAYING]
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
Pinky and the Brain
theme song playing ♪
Gee, Brain, what do you
wanna do tonight?
BRAIN: The same thing
we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world!
[THUNDER CLAP]
[♪♪♪]
They're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪
One is a genius ♪
The other's insane ♪
They're laboratory mice ♪
Their genes have been spliced ♪
They're dinky,
they're Pinky and the Brain ♪
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪
[♪♪♪]
[SLAM]
[LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Twinkle, twinkle ♪
Little friends ♪
Groggles' magic never ends ♪
Reach up high ♪
Touch your toes ♪
Autoplay our videos ♪
We're the Groggles, we love you ♪
We get three cents for every view ♪
Yay!
Pinky, if you don't reduce the volume
of that aural spackling compound,
I will defenestrate you.
No thanks, Brain.
I've already had a bath. Say,
what are you doing
behind that giant napkin?
Behold.
I have created the world's
most powerful tractor beam.
Tractors? Egad!
That reminds me of another Groggle song!
ALL: Old Monsanto had a farm ♪
G-M-G-M-O! ♪
- [GRUNT]
- [SMASHES, WOMAN SCREAMS]
Well, once this satellite is in orbit,
it shall emit a highly concentrated
de Broglie wave
of non-relativistic matter particles.
Anyone in the path of the matter wave
will experience a countervailing
quantum mechanical force,
suspending them in the air,
until they swear fealty to me.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[SNORING]
Oh! Uh, brilliant, Brain!
Brilliant! [LAUGH]
Yesterday, I felt like
you were phoning it in,
but today's plan? Woo! Real doozy.
Ah!
[SMASHES, WOMAN SCREAMS]
The only thing I need now
is a reliable power source.
Yet the only substance capable of
generating the necessary energy
is the rarest element in the universe.
- Love.
- Quantium.
No, that's not it.
- Oh, sorry. What did you say?
Because I said love.
- Quantium.
Okay, maybe just say it
on the count of three.
One, two, three--
- Quantium.
Oops. I missed it again
'cause I was saying
three.
- Quantium!
[GRUNTS]
Whee! Oh, isn't this fun, Brain?
Whee indeed.
According to my extensive
studies of near-Earth objects,
a meteor with a quantium core
is due to land here any minute now.
[BEEPING]
PINKY: Ah!
Now, to retrieve the quantium core
PINKY: Ah!
before some crack team
of NASA scientists does.
[BEEPING]
[EXPLOSION]
[PANTING, GRUNTING]
Yes. Yes!
Oh!
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]
[OAFISH GIGGLING]
Nya--
WOMAN: Time to go, sweetie.
[GIGGLING]
[BABBLING]
We must not let this Riley get away.
[♪♪♪]
That was a close call,
but we can still salvage our plan!
Pinky
Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
I think so, Brain,
but do you really think we could
train bees to make mustard?
[SMACK]
Ow!
[GIGGLING]
Be good, Riley. Love you.
[KISS]
[CHILDISH SHRIEKING]
- [SIPPING]
- [RUMBLING]
Quickly, Pinky.
Initiate camouflage protocol.
- [POP]
- [BAG ZIPPING]
Ugh! My sister really
needs to stop buying Riley
all these weird toys from old TV shows.
- [FARTING, SQUEAKING]
- [BIRDS CHIRPING]
She thinks she's the "fun" aunt
just because she lives
near the Hollywood sign.
[CRYING, SHRIEKING]
PINKY: Oh dear.
How do we know which one is Riley, Brain?
By matching that hat
with its proper owner.
Once we identify Riley,
we'll have to abscond
with him back to the lab.
You take the offense by
creating a misdirection.
Then, I'll run a reverse sweep
so we can escape
without detection. Got it?
- Got it!
- Are you sure?
Repeat it back to me.
- Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
I kiss you over here,
then you hug me,
and then--
[GRUNT]
Just keep the children
occupied while I search!
Well, it's not this one.
Its cranium is far too large.
Hm. Perhaps an early sign of intelligence.
You and I should speak
later about joining forces.
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]
Funny doll!
[GIGGLE]
Speak!
[SQUEAKING]
- Narf! Narf! Narf!
[GIGGLING]
My turn!
TODDLER: No, mine!
- My turn!
- Mine!
[GRUNT]
[BOTH SHRIEKING]
- Now, now.
There's enough Pinky to go around!
[LAUGH]
This old Brain, I did what he said ♪
But he still bopped me on my head ♪
With a knick-knack paddy-whack,
gee, I'd like a scone ♪
[LAUGHING]
[MUFFLED STRUGGLING]
- [BRAIN GASPS]
- [GIGGLING]
Bop-bop, bop your head ♪
While Brain does his plan! ♪
Boppity, boppity, boppity-- ♪
Ah!
Huh?
[PINKY SCREAMING]
Mine!
[GIGGLING]
BRAIN: Ah-ha.
It appears we have
finally found our Riley.
According to my calculations,
Riley has gained telekinetic abilities,
which will only grow stronger
over the next six hours.
PINKY: Very interesting, Brain.
According to my calculations,
I'm a truck!
Beep beep beep! Zort. Ow!
Ow!
[RILEY GIGGLING]
Now, now, Riley.
Far be it from me
to suggest that grinding Pinky
into dust isn't tempting.
But, it's important to
be gentle with your toys.
May I have Pinky back, please?
Come now, Riley! Stop messing about!
It's time to share!
CHILD: My turn!
CHILDREN: Yeah! Share!
- Gimme a turn!
- It's my turn!
[WHIMPERING]
- [SCREAMING]
- [ZAP]
Ooh.
I bet Dr. Spock never
had to deal with this.
- [ZAP]
- [LAUGH]
[SCREAMING, GRUNTS]
[THUD]
[BANGING]
[CREAKING]
[MOO, CHIRP]
Oh dear.
[ROYAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[ZAP]
[ZAP]
[SIP]
Pinky feels like falling down, ooh ♪
Please help me ♪
I must save Pinky before
his spirit is completely broken.
Although
No. I should probably rescue him.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I must commandeer your vehicle.
Official mouse business.
[ENGINE REVVING, TIRES SQUEAL]
[ACTION MUSIC PLAYING]
Ah!
[GRUNT]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Egad, Brain!
You saved my life!
Don't thank me yet, my friend.
I'm detecting some seismic activity.
Playtime not over!
[RUMBLING]
Why must this child be so difficult?
I'm simply trying to kidnap him!
Kidnap?
Well, that's it!
I think Riley's cranky
because it's past his nap time!
Whoa!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[CRYING]
[ALL CRYING]
Brain!
Sing! Him! A! Lullaby!
That's preposterous! I'm not a singer!
But you're very good
at putting me to sleep!
Make it boring with lots of science words!
[SOBBING]
Brownian motion, too small to see ♪
The changing momentum equals just 2MV ♪
For uniform particles
suspended in a gas ♪
V is velocity and M is their mass ♪
[HICCUP]
[SIGH]
It's working!
I'm very bored.
- Now's our chance, Pinky!
I am loving "long lunch" Wednesdays.
[SCREAMING]
Yes!
WOMAN #2: Ugh! They must've escaped
from the middle school next door!
[♪♪♪]
[SIGH] Well Brain,
at least we've graduated to junior high.
Farewell.
If we get out of this alive, Pinky,
we must prepare for tomorrow night.
Why, Brain?
What are we going to do tomorrow night?
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Uh-oh.
Whoa!
Try to take over the world!
Oh!
[CONTINUED GRUNTING]
[♪♪♪]
[GIGGLE, CHOMP]
[ZAPPING]
WOMAN #1: O-M-G!
Did you see Cheryl's post?
She got bangs!
[♪♪♪]
ANNOUNCER: We now go live
to the post-episode press conference
with the Warner Brothers
and the Warner Sister.
Henry O'Henry from the Edgar Tribune.
How about that ending?
Did you guys see that coming?
Yeah. I mean, look, that's just Pinky
being Pinky, right? Sure,
they encountered a setback tonight
with those toddlers, but you know what?
They'll be back out there
tomorrow doing the same thing
they do every night,
and you gotta respect that, man.
Next question.
FEMALE REPORTER: Wakko,
you seem pretty sweaty for doing
one sketch 15 minutes ago.
Oh, these are unrelated meat sweats.
[GROWL, CHOMP]
Now, I'll answer some questions.
Yes. Sometimes. Not since '96.
And Chris Pine shirtless on a catamaran.
Hi. Sheila Lickspittle
from the Butkiss Bugle.
Love what you did out there.
Thank you. [LAUGH]
- Did you have a question?
- Uh
really enjoyed what you
did to those Russians.
So, thanks.
[LAUGH]
Not at all. Thank you, Shelia.
You know, I'd like to think
we gave our nation's children
a better understanding of Russian culture,
but I know that's not true.
I thought the references to Putin were
a little ham-fisted in the beginning,
but hey, there's no "I" in team!
But, there are two "I's" in Chris Pine.
Any other questions?
Yeah. Princeton Russell
of the Highfalutin Herald.
Anima-nyet was real cerebral tonight.
Didn't have all the
physical comedy we've come to expect
from a Warners segment.
[♪♪♪]
- Is that better?
- Yes. Thank you.
[STRAINING]
Are there any other questions?
Nullity Pritchard from
the Burbank Oblivion.
What kind of athletes are you exactly?
[ALL GASP]
- I'll take this one.
Nullity, when I go out there,
I go out there.
Not to be the best one,
but to be out there.
Doing it the best!
Um, okay
Why don't I work harder
than anybody else?
Because my heart is working
smarter than anybody else.
- That's--
- What drives me to be driven?
To work it out while being
driven to either play the games
or do the sports!
So, you're not actually an athlete,
you know nothing about sports.
That's correct. You there,
with the spinach in your teeth.
[SLURP, GULP]
Yes, uh, Brilly Brumley
of the Daily Science Weekly.
What do you, uh, say
to charges that quantium does not exist,
and that Pinky and the Brain
is full of fake science
and intellectually bankrupt?
Good question, Brilly!
What do you say to charges of room service
on the credit card
Daily Science Weekly gave you
only for emergencies?
[REPORTERS GASP]
I I just love eating pancakes in bed!
Next question!
Anything you can tell us about season 2?
Oh, sure! We got a lot
of good stuff coming up.
We drink too much coffee,
we ruin a sweet 16,
there's an Oliver Twist parody,
and I'm gonna sing a song about--
Wait! That's not for publication.
That doesn't count.
That information is classified,
the property of Warner Brothers.
- [BUZZ]
- [CLANG]
I will now take questions about
your illegal incarceration.
When is our next meal?
And, follow-up question,
will it be pancakes?
Can we sell each other out
for better treatment?
Do you think the show's
audience will respond
to this dark portrayal of
the current state of journalism?
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
Are we still doing sports?
ANNOUNCER: This has been the post-episode
press conference
with the Warner Brothers
and the Warner Sister.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]