Back in the Game s01e10 Episode Script

1 [ "Jingle Bells" plays .]
You look great in that hat, darling.
Very festive.
[ Snickers .]
I'm sorry.
You didn't buy that, did you? [ Laughs .]
You look like you're wearing a giant, red, woolly condom.
Please do not wear that to my Christmas party.
Hey, I am adorable in this thing.
And also, I can't make it to your Christmas party.
I'm sorry.
[ Laughs .]
Terry, please tell me that this is one of your jokes I don't understand.
It's just, the last few Christmases haven't been so great for Danny.
Anyway, that is all going to change this year.
I am gonna blow Danny's Christmas mind.
We're gonna do everything the way my mom did for me Turkey, carols, Christmas movies.
Yawn! Umpire: Strike 2! So, what are you getting your mom for Christmas? Maybe bangs? Wait.
No.
That would be more a gift for me.
I want to get my mom the perfect gift.
Batter's out! That's game! - It was a foul! - Hey, dingus! How many times I got to tell ya? If ya bunt the ball with two strikes on ya and it's not in play, you're out, ya dingus! - Yay! Double dingus! - Yay! Double dingus! Hey, here's the updated Christmas tournament sched - Shorts.
- Oh, we're playing on Christmas day? - Terribly inconvenient, I know, but - No! No, this is perfect! I love Christmas games! Then our little baseball family can have a great Christmas together.
Who the heck plays baseball on Christmas? Uh, losers do In Southern California.
- They are not losers! - Yes, we are.
- We haven't scored a single run all year.
- Face it, coach We're a joke.
You guys, I used to love playing on Christmas when I was a kid.
Hey, you get up, you open presents, then you go to the field.
The Cannon would coach, my mom would make hot chocolate It's the best! Or you could just forfeit and give the rest of the league the day off.
Forfeit! [ All chanting "Forfeit!" .]
- Forfeit! - Stop yelling "Forfeit"! Come on, you guys.
We are not quitters.
What have I been saying to you all year? Don't let you forget to pay your cellphone bill on the 21st? Yes! Thank you.
Also, never give up, okay? Winning it takes hard work, grit, determination.
Now raise your hand if you're still a quitter.
Danny, don't even think about raising your hand.
Well, look at that.
Majority rules, so it is a forfeit.
[ All cheering .]
Yay! - Come on, you guys! Come on! - Good job.
Well done.
We're the Angles! We stick together! I'm back Season 1, Episode 10 "I'll Slide Home for Christmas" [ Toy Santas giggling .]
Mom, I'm sorry the team voted to forfeit on you.
Oh, that's okay, buddy.
We are still going to have an amazing Christmas.
[ "Feliz navidad" plays .]
[ Gasps .]
This is my favorite holiday jam! Feliz navidad Both: Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba Okay, let's talk Christmas morning.
So, I am thinking, uh, "It's a Wonderful Life" marathon, pajamas all day, eating cookie dough, huh? That's what I did with my mom and Cannon when I was a kid, and that is exactly what we are gonna do, buddy.
And, of course, opening presents.
Now, if you could have one gift under $37, it would be? You don't have to get me anything.
I just want us to have the perfect family Christmas.
You know, you're kind of obsessing over the holidays this year.
Hey, I obsess about things that are important to us.
Ho ho ho! [ Gasps .]
- Merry Christmas! - Lifelike Santa! - Ho ho ho! - It's the last one! Merry Christmas! What? This is important to us.
[ Indistinct P.
A.
announcement .]
[ Insects chirping .]
Lifelike Santa: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! [ Whirring .]
Ho ho ho! Happy Holidays! [ "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays .]
Ho ho ho! Merry [ Thud .]
[ Slowly .]
Ho ho ho! - [ Fading .]
Merry Christma - Dad! Stop! - Merry christma - I'm killing something! [ Gasps .]
You killed lifelike Santa! W-what are you doing creeping around the house in the middle of the night? Dad, it's 8:15.
I was out in the garage.
I found some of mom's old Christmas decorations and I wanted to put 'em up.
Put them back.
It's not happening.
My buddies and I, we, uh, we don't do decorations, okay? - Your boys? - Uh, Earl, Louie, Stinky Pete.
Oh, wow.
You still do that stupid poker game.
Hey, and Stinky Pete? The one who stole my bicycle and then used it for drug money? Hey, Christmas is about forgiveness, right? No.
No.
It is about spending time with your family.
Really? Well, then how come I haven't seen you one Christmas since the time you moved out? Dad, we invited you to spend Christmas with us every year.
Yeah, right That was with you, Donny, and that geek of a husband that you had there.
- That's an automatic "never.
" - What happened to you? You know, when mom was alive, you woke me up at 6:00 A.
M.
to open presents.
Yeah, well That was a long time ago.
Yeah, well, I want Danny to have a perfect Christmas, so just cancel your little poker night and enjoy it with your family.
I'm the only family that they have.
And they will miss this terribly.
They love it.
Well, I don't want to spend it with a bunch of strangers.
They are not strangers.
They're my friends, and are playing poker.
No, we are having Christmas.
[ Clunk .]
- Really, dad? - Yeah, really.
Wow.
This whole perfect-Christmas thing is really coming together.
Danny! Why don't you come help me decorate the tree? Or you can come over here and stick your entire face right under this cheese nozzle.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Come in! [ Door opens, closes .]
Terry Sr.
: [ Chuckling .]
Oh.
It's beginning to look a lot like not-Christmas.
Oh, Terry, this is, uh, Noel, and and this is Noel.
- Hi.
- That's That's the first Noel.
See, they're sisters.
Where should we set up our North Pole? - Really, dad? Strippers? - They are not strippers.
They dance just a little bit.
Mm.
Yeah.
Well, get them out of here, okay? This is insane.
They're going nowhere.
Where should we set up our ping-pong balls? - Oh, wow.
- I can do this all day long.
You know what, Danny? How about we get out of here for some holiday spirit, okay? And your grandfather here can just go "scrooge" himself.
Hey, ladies.
No, mom.
Wait.
No, I wasn't Ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho! Mom, I really don't need a picture with Santa, okay? I mean, look around.
I'm a dinosaur compared to these kids.
Oh, just humor me, buddy.
Santa's got to feed the reindeer, so we'll be back in a while, folks.
What? What reindeer? Nuh-uh! Elf! Elf, get back Elf! Move.
Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
Hi.
Excuse me, uh, Mr.
Claus.
Could we trouble you for just one more picture, please? [ Chuckles .]
In a little bit, hon.
I'm going on my break.
I should get something to eat.
[ Chuckles .]
So should the reindeer.
What reindeer?! [ Laughs .]
There are no reindeer.
Please? I mean, we've been waiting here for over an hour, and it would just mean the world to the That little boy right there.
[ Chuckles .]
All right.
[ Chuckles .]
- Really? - Yes.
Okay.
Okay! Danny, yeah! Come on! Ho ho ho.
Yeah.
Okay, get on up there.
So, what would you li Like f Santa's going down.
[ Groans .]
Oh.
Uh-oh.
[ Crowd murmurs .]
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What is wrong with him? He said he needed something to eat.
He's a diabetic! Way to go, mom.
You killed Santa.
- Didn't you park there? - Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no! No, no! No! No, no, no, no! That's my car! There are presents! In the trunk! [ Doorbell rings .]
Come in! Hello? [ Chuckles .]
If it ain't the three wise men Except you're all dumbasses.
That joke never gets old Unlike you, you wrinkly old bastard! Get over here! [ Laughs .]
- Where are the - Both: Hey, boys! Should we get this party started or what? In all seriousness, thank you.
You know how much we look forward to this every year.
Y Why won't my phone work? Because you forgot to pay the bill on the 21st.
Right.
Right.
So, the tow yard isn't open till the 26th.
Christmas is just delayed.
Mom, you really have to lose this idea of a perfect Christmas.
- Okay? It's obviously not gonna happen.
- Hey! It is going to happen! You are gonna have a real Christmas, even if it kills me.
- Christmas can suck it.
- Sir, mind your own business.
I'm a girl.
Cool.
Louie, ante up.
Ante up, or I'm gonna tell the girls that the stuff on your head is a preview to what's on your back.
I'm out of this one.
I'm not gonna shave.
I got nobody to impress no more.
And what about you, Cannon? You daughter still up in Michigan with that deadbeat? - Um no, she's got her own life now.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
My son's down in Florida.
We haven't talked in years.
I'll tell you, though, they shouldn't allow him to carry a gun.
Yeah, this is fun.
Seriously I got nothin'.
At least we got each other.
Yeah.
[ Bottles clink .]
Just like Christmas Oh! Terry! Terry, darling! There you are.
What took you so long? Well, you see, there were strippers at our house, mom might have killed Santa, they towed our car, and And a partridge in a pear tree.
Fabulous, darling.
Why don't you go and join Michael over by the gingerbread station with the others? - All right.
- Just 'round there.
- Oh, Lulu.
- Hmm? Your house is so Festive and - Perfect.
- Well, of course it is, darling.
It's moi.
I don't know what we would have done if you hadn't taken us in.
Oh, good God, Terry.
Are you all right? Well, this Christmas has been a disaster so far.
But here here is where it's gonna turn all around.
I really want it to.
It has to.
It better, because, Lulu, I am hanging on by a thread, and I cannot afford a therapist.
Christmas is tomorrow, and I still have no idea what to get my mom.
I'm totally screwed.
- I have three kidneys.
- Okay.
Thank you for that.
I just want to give her the perfect Christmas gift.
What? The heads are the best part.
Christ the Savior is Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o Great.
Great.
o-o-rn-uh! [ Laughs .]
[ Scattered clapping .]
- Wonderful.
Wonderful.
- Thank you all very much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, Dick! Who knew the man with the heart of a devil could sing like a.
- Angel? - Thank you.
Dick.
Who's next? Very exciting, hmm? Oh, it's Terry! [ Applause .]
Come up here, Terry.
Great.
Let's hear it for Terry, ladies and gentlemen.
- You go for it, darling.
- Thank you.
- Come on.
Off you go.
- Yep.
[ Clears throat .]
[ "Deck the Halls" plays .]
[ Sighs .]
Uh, ok Oh.
Uh Yeah, um, this isn't the right song.
I requested "Feliz Navidad.
" [ Chuckles .]
- We don't have it.
- What do you mean you don't [ Sighs .]
That's, like, the best blind Christmas song of all time.
My mom and I would crank it up on the radio and sing it at the top of our lungs.
I don't know what to tell you.
Go find your mom.
Sing it with her.
My mom is dead.
Oh, here we go.
[ Music slows, stops .]
[ Chuckles .]
Well, this is just perfect.
I have no feliz left And zero Navidad.
Oh, boy.
This has been building ever since she almost killed Santa.
I am obsessed with a holiday that hates me.
We are sworn enemies.
We're like Kirk and Khan.
- Man: Nerd! - Hey! Hey! My dad Who would rather spend Christmas with strippers than his own daughter, made me watch "Star Trek," okay? I am obsessed with having the perfect family Christmas.
I am obsessed with rebuilding a relationship with my stupid father.
I am obsessed with coaching a baseball team that doesn't want to play baseball.
You know those those kids? Do you see all those kids? Yeah, they all have the right attitude quitting! So simple.
So easy.
So what I should have been doing.
So, you know what, team? I am on board with the "I can't do" attitude.
Okay? Yeah.
There.
So let's all quit.
How's that? Let's all quit.
Let's forfeit Christmas.
Peace.
[ Microphone thuds, feedback .]
[ Claps .]
[ People murmuring .]
I-I finally know what to get my mom for Christmas.
Michael: Flawless bed head.
Danny: Mom.
Wake up.
[ Exhales sharply .]
What's going on? We're not quitters.
Okay? And neither are you.
We're gonna play today, and we're gonna win for you.
Merry Christmas.
[ Chuckles softly .]
Oh, wow.
You are the best, buddy.
I love you.
I love you, too.
But Please brush your teeth.
Oh! Sorry.
[ Muffled .]
Okay! We are gonna crush them today! I can feel it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Phone, text Mr.
The Cannon.
Raise.
Looks like somebody's hooking up with a broad of baby-making age.
Spill it, Cannon.
Who you bunking with? My daughter and her son.
They They moved in here.
So let's just play cards, all right? Why didn't you tell us? Why aren't they here? Look, for years, they wanted nothing to do with me.
I mean, now they just waltz in here and make demands.
This is our tradition right here.
We play cards, we drink a little beer, we have fun with the Noels.
That's what we do.
Because we got nothing else, you jackass! The reason our Christmas tradition was born was because everyone we were related to was either dead or didn't want us around.
The only reason we're all here is because we ain't got nobody.
You got somebody Two somebodies.
[ Cellphone vibrating .]
You know, you're the, uh, smartest dumbasses I know.
Anyway, I fold.
- Where you going? - We got a game.
Mom.
Hmm? I'm sorry this is such a crappy Christmas present.
Are you kidding? This is the best gift ever.
It's Christmas with my gang.
It doesn't matter if we win.
The most important thing is you didn't quit.
I am so proud of you, buddy.
All right, guys.
Guys! Look, we're down by 21.
We suck at this sport, all right? We're probably not gonna win this game or any game ever.
But you know what we can do? We can score a run, all right? Let's not go down in history as the worst team in this league, okay? Let's score one run this Christmas for us For my mom, all right? [ Slaps mitt .]
Now, let's do this! - Come on! - Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! All right, hands in.
"Angles" on Yeah! - "Angles" on me! - All: "Angles" on three! One, two, three, Angles! [ All cheering .]
You know, your mom I mean, she loved this holiday, uh, more than any other one.
I mean, she'd start planning Christmas in July, and it drove me up a freaking wall.
Yeah, she was always wound a little tight.
- Yeah.
Well You got that from her.
- [ Scoffing .]
Yeah.
Yeah, that's where I got it from.
See, uh The holidays They really got kind of hard for me after she passed, and even more When you left.
And, uh, these guys They, uh They helped me out, you know? So, all this time, I thought I was keeping them alive, but in fact They were keeping me alive until you showed up.
And so, uh I guess, if you take it, uh, that'd have to be your job now.
Yeah, I'll take it.
Okay, let go.
Make sure no one sees us.
Umpire: Strike two! Ya never bunt with two strikes, ya dingus.
Oh, yeah? Watch this.
[ Distorted .]
N-o-o-o-o-o! Merry Christmas, I don't wanna fight tonight Merry Christmas - [ distorted .]
Ru-u-u-n! - I don't wanna fight tonight With you Go-o-o-o! Where is Santa and his sleigh? And tell me, why is it always this way? Where is Rudolph? Where is Blitzen, baby? Merry Christmas Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas All the children are tucked in their beds Sugar plum fairies dancing in their heads Snowball fighting It's so exciting, baby Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight with Merry Christmas I don't want to fight tonight with Merry Christmas I don't want to fight tonight with you Safe! [ Cheers and applause .]
Whoo! Oh, my gosh! [ All cheering .]
Terry Sr.
: Hey, hey, hey! - Coach! We're in the middle of an inning! - Shut up All right! That's ballgame! Boy: Yeah! - Terry, Terry.
- Let it fly, Dick.
Nothing you can say could possibly ruin this moment for me.
No, look, I just wanted to tell you I think it's great, you're teaching these kids to never quit.
Oh.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
And, um, also, I-I picked up your car at the impound.
I own the lot, too, so The presents are still inside.
So Merry Christmas, Terry.
Hey, good-looking.
- Hey.
- What? This is the most imperfectly perfect Christmas ever.
[ Laughs .]
[ "Jingle Bells" plays .]
Well It looks like it's, uh, just me and you, short stuff.
I think you're bluffing.
Bluff this, pops.
I'm all-in.
And, uh, looks like you don't have the canes or the chestnuts to cover it.
Well, then And, uh, how about the dishes for a month? How about two months? Deal.
Boom! [ Gasps .]
Aces and 8s, full boat.
Send it! And to all a good night.