Back to You (2007) s01e10 Episode Script

back to you is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Kelly's phone.
Hi.
Is my mom there? Oh, hi, gracie.
Uh, no, she's at a luncheon.
How you doing? Good.
Could you just tell her i made the honor roll? The honor roll? Boy, that's great news.
I don't know why I'm surprised.
You seem like such a smart kid.
Oh, thanks, chuck.
You know, whenever I made the honor roll my dad used to bust me out of school and take me to the track.
- In fact, I remember.
- that's awesome.
Okay, bye.
bye.
Hey, chuckles.
Just want to make sure you haven't forgotten about tonight.
Oh, come on, give me a little credit, marsh.
Peg's making dinner.
Right.
Thanks.
Okay, live promo in five, guys.
Where's kelly? She's at a luncheon.
She was named the city's "most trusted woman.
Yeah, real trustworthy.
Try leaving a tangerine on your desk.
- Hey, there she is! - HI.
Chuck, listen, do me a favor.
The next time you take a message, could you be a little more careful? Why? What's the problem? What does that say? That's a 9? - What do you think it is? - It looks like a 4.
A 9 has a loop.
Where's the loop? Uh, kelly, I think if chuck knows the difference between anything it's it's a 4 and a 9.
I'm speaking, of course, about his eye for the ladies.
Like you still get 9s.
Oh, don't worry about me - I get plenty of 9s.
Well, upside down 6's, anyway.
Right, buddy? You know, you really screwed up my afternoon.
Well, what is the big deal? The big deal is I went to 1436 wetherly street.
I go in there, shake a few hands, take my seat at the front and then realized it wasn't my luncheon.
It was a meeting.
I would tell you want kind of meeting, but it was anonymous.
You know who saw me there? Margaret from archives.
So much for the anonymous part.
Yeah.
Now everybody's going to think i have a drinking problem.
Margaret said that when she drinks, she gets really gossipy.
She can't control herself.
She shared that at the meeting.
Well, it really is a crime you didn't get to accept that most trusted**** Oh, Chuck.
I know******* oh, donna, I'd love to.
I've just got this thing with marsh.
What's the occasion? My best friend got a boob job, and we rented a hot tub to celebrate.
What can I bring? Just a big, dumb smile.
Will this one do? Hi, kelly.
Oh, hi, margaret.
I saw you at the meeting.
You know.
listen, it was, uh.
I wasn'T.
I don't have a problem.
Me, neither.
Yes, I do.
But knowing that a big star like you is going through the same struggle really helps.
Thank you, kelly.
No, seriously, I don't have a problem.
I know it's hard, but we can do it together.
And not just at work - 24/seven.
We should exchange numbers.
and house keys.
Oh, god, this feels so right.
Oh, I almost forgot - gracie called.
Yeah, okay, thanks.
She made the honor roll.
- Isn't that great? The honor roll.
- Yeah, yeah, I heard.
Will you stop talking about gracie? You know, when i did that, my dad used to.
microphone! You think anybody heard that? I'm sure it was smothered by the sounds of my ribs snapping.
Hey, guys.
Oh, say, marsh, about dinner.
don't even think of weaseling out of it, chuck.
Peg's been slow-roasting a chicken for two days and you're eating it.
tonight at 6:00, a neck-and-neck political race turns ugly.
And a neck-and-neck political race turns ugly.
All this and pirates highlights - rated "arrgh! Tonight on news 9 at 6:00.
- And.
clear.
- Nice.
I'm sorry.
I lost my focus.
It won't happen again.
- Proudly Presents Back To You Season 1 Episode 10 donna.
hi.
Yeah, listen, give me about an hour and I'll be there.
What are you guys up to? Wow.
Let me just pick up a snorkel - I'll be right there.
There he is! Come on in! - Good to see you, pal.
- Hi, marsh.
Hold on now.
Surprise! Happy birthday, buddy.
- What? - Hit him, peg.
Look at this, he's speechless.
Come on, say something.
I think I swallowed some confetti.
So were you really surprised? Completely.
For starters, it's not my birthday.
Today's not your birthday? What's today.
thursday? It's five months from now.
Are you serious? How did he get it so wrong? I have no idea, but listen, I can't stay long.
I've got something else to get to.
No, you can't leave.
This is really important to marsh.
He's been planning it for months.
All right, I'll stay for an hour.
I love this guy, but his parties are deadly dull.
In fact, I remember one time to get out of one, I actually told him it was my birth.
OH.
Hey, there they are.
How would you like a cold, crisp schwatz beer? Make it two, debbie.
Coming up.
Well, I'd like a scotch, if you don't mind.
You know what, I'm going to get a martini.
Are you sure you wouldn't prefer a schwatz? They're terrific.
I sort of insist.
Let me guess - they're sponsoring this thing.
No, no, but if they happen to catch a picture of you drinking a beer I get a free pinball machine.
Now, marsh, now, marsh, I am a newsman.
Walter cronkite didn't shill for beer and neither will I.
Hear, hear, I can respect that.
I'll go get you a scotch.
Hold this.
Whoa, the man said no pictures.
You get it? Sorry, chuck.
Get lost! I think what i respond to most is the subtlety.
Makes no sense.
They've got marsh wearing a second century roman toga, yet his weapon is totally I mean, come on, perceval called - he wants his sword back, huh? Well, hello, boys.
- Hey.
- You having fun? Oh, great party, mrs.
Mcginley.
Oh, please call me peg.
We were just admiring the mural.
We have the best mural guy.
Seven feet tall, deaf.
gay.
troubled.
He goes by the name silence.
He's done pieces for us all over the house.
I mean oops.
How long was that open for business? I didn't see anything.
Yeah, I did.
So, you didn't tell me how excited gracie was about getting on the honor roll.
- Stop saying her name.
- Okay, fine.
From now on I'll call her "that girl we made.
What? All right, fine.
Look, I got to go.
You can't leave.
You just got here six minutes ago.
Well, I have something very important to get to.
What? All right, look, if you must know, a friend of a friend.
adopted twins.
And they're being baptized tonight.
Oh, my god.
What, what, they don't baptize on friday nights? That picture.
Look.
Behind marsh.
Oh, gosh, is that the two of us making out? Is that the night of my farewell party? You mean the only night we ever made out in the history of time? Yes, I think that's when it was taken.
Oh, my gosh, we've got to get this out of here before anybody sees it.
- No, we don'T.
- Yes, we do.
Look, it's on a tiny picture in the background.
No one's going to even notice it.
What do you mean? We're in a room full of reporters.
It takes one person to do the math on gracie, and everybody knows.
Look, if they're going to notice anything, its' going to be the picture of marsh being spanked by the san diego chicken.
Here, have a schwatz and calm down.
Thanks.
Hi, kelly.
Hi, margaret.
What have you got there? I'm just holding this for someone else.
Your demons? Whoo, I almost didn't make it.
This schwatz shoots right through you.
That's their slogan.
Man, I have to go again.
I can't believe this.
Oh, great, look at this line.
You know, just use the bathroom upstairs.
No, you're not supposed to go upstairs.
There's a little ribbon across the stair case with a sad face taped to it.
Oh, hey, check out those old pictures of marsh.
Why.
why would you want to check them out? Marsh doesn't want you rifling through his stuff.
I wasn't rifling.
I thought you had to go to the bathroom.
Or was that a lie, too? Lie? No.
Just go to the bathroom, ryan.
I'll hold your schwatz.
Did you hear what you just said? Knock, knock.
oh, my god.
what are you doing? What? It's a piano.
I took piano.
To be honest.
what you're doing is very antisocial.
In fact, it's downright rude.
Oh, my god, look at the time.
I've got to shove off.
Peg, it's been a great party, but I didn't realize how late it was getting.
You're not going anywhere, you goose.
So how does it feel? What? Your birthday.
tell you what, if there's going to be cake i really shouldn't fill up on confetti.
Hey, did I tell you about our son ted? He got into law school, penn state.
Good for you.
Congratulations.
He was always such a smart kid.
He gets it from his mom.
So do you.
You know who else's kid is really smart? Kelly's daughter gracie.
She made the honor roll.
I'm not surprised.
Last year she won the big national essay contest.
- She did? - Yeah.
Yeah, she had her picture taken with the governor.
Yeah, I told gracie to say,: "Good mornin',guvnor.
But she didn'T.
I always felt that was a missed opportunity for humor.
Sweetie, you got to let that go.
what's with you? I saw something.
a mural of marsh and peg naked, doing things, naked things.
Really? That sounds disgu.
I got to see this.
No! that's what it wants you to do.
Don'T.
Because once you see it, you will never be able to un-see it.
I think i can handle it.
Mother of all that is unholy.
I think my face is gonna melt.
like at the end of raiders.
Why would you want to see yourself doing that? okay, or that? Well, it looks like I have two naughty nelsons in my bedroom.
I just had to use the.
I didn'T.
oh, don't be embarrassed, boys.
It's delicious, isn't it? Take it in, taste it.
We posed for that mural.
Taking breaks only to eat and make love.
- It's late.
- Well.
he's an incredible lover, you know.
Wild like a mad rabbit.
I once had to hit him with a shovel to get him to calm down.
It only enraged him.
Got his blood boiling.
He tore my housecoat off right there on the lawn.
- Well.
- it's late.
did you see the ceiling? No.
- I really don't think i should be looking.
- Look.
look.
I have no idea what I'm looking at.
It's me and marsh in a polynesian pleasure basket.
Pure sensual terror.
- Did you know my marsh is tantric? - No.
Oh, our record is four hours and 37 minutes.
We both cried afterwards.
We cried like wolves.
- Oh, now I'm sharing too much.
- Now? Did you see the towel rack? It's shaped like.
well, I don't want to spoil the surprise.
So, when were you going to tell me about the essay contest? What? The one that gracie won.
Shh! Who told you that? It doesn't matter who told me.
I understand she met the guvnor! Marsh.
Could we just talk about this another time? What, do you have to get back to your post in case a where's waldo? Expert spots us in the picture? You can stop worrying about that.
I hid the picture.
Oh, there they are.
where were you guys? - You know, around, just enjoying the party.
- Hanging out.
For a minute, I thought you were somewhere you weren't supposed to be.
I just heard footsteps upstairs.
That's weird.
Oh, I didn't even know you had an upstairs, marsh.
Why can't you look me in my eyes? - I am.
- I'm totally looking in your eyes right now.
Ah, I don't care about upstairs.
Just, uh, stay out of the basement.
I don't want to.
But we have to.
I know.
Hey, everybody, gather around.
My sexy man's gonna fill your ears with magic.
No, no, this is chuck's night.
Nobody wants to hear.
it's in the piano, isn't it? what the hell is that? That's just my favorite song is all that is.
I shouldn't be hogging the spotlight.
It should be on chuck.
I'm sure somebody has some words to say about the man of the hour.
Go on, marsh, say something.
Oh, kelly, I really can'T.
Webster defines friendship.
get a little closer to chuck.
Come on, everybody.
Let's gather around chuck.
I really love this guy because he'll never change.
He'll be 80 years old, no wife or kids to tell him what he'll do.
But he'll still be chasing the young girls.
Am I right, buddy? Living in some hotel.
Young chippy scurrying out of his room early in the morning, her face masked in shame.
What a life! Everyone hoist your schwatz in the air.
To chuck! How about a few words, pal? Well, uh, on an occasion like this, a man has a chance to reflect on his life look back and realize that I'm a rich man indeed.
I - I've got so many things that I've accomplished, a - and yet so many things to be ashamed of.
What are you most proud of? Well, it's, uh, it's kinda hard to put my finger on.
I bet I can.
That's something I won't have to get checked this year, huh? well, don't go to bed too late, josie.
I don't want you sleepy at the carnival.
Okay.
I love you, too.
Is that your daughter? Yeah.
I have a daughter.
How old is she? She's ten.
And she made the honor roll this week.
You must be very proud of her.
I am.
Hey, where the hell is my picture? Well, good night.
Chuck, get back in here.
You, too, beer girl.
Somebody just swiped a picture off my wall look, marsh, I'm sure it'll turn up.
It better.
I hid 6,000 bucks in the back of it.
Why would you do that? I got all caught up in this y2k scare.
I also got a gizmo in the garage that turns urine into drinking water.
kelly, it's chuck.
You got to get the picture back here right now.
Because he hid $6,000 in it.
Where is it? Oh, for god's sake.
All right, look, I-I will meet you there.
By the way, did you think the ice cubes tasted a little funny tonight at the party? Kelly? I'm over here.
Where? Over here.
You find it yet? Oh, yeah, I found it ten minutes ago.
I was just looking for the slipper that goes with this one.
No, I didn't find it! Get in here and help me.
Fine, fine.
All right.
why didn't you just take it home? Because I didn't want gracie to find it.
Oh, yeah, god forbid gracie should learn the truth.
You know what? I think we need to have a little talk about the whole gracie situation.
- Right now? - Yes, now! Why not? Because that's just crazy.
Listen, I'm gonna take this pole and lift up that sofa cushion.
If you'll just scoop the spaghetti out.
and I'm the crazy one? Kelly, would you look at yourself? You are standing knee-deep in garbage trying to retrieve something you've stolen out of a friend's house! And why? All to protect some, some insane secret.
A secret that we agreed we were not ready to talk ab.
I'm ready! I want gracie to know.
Keep your voice down.
I will not keep my voice down! I have a daughter named gracie! I'm sick of this.
Sick of the lying and the secrets! I have a little girl who made the honor roll.
I'd like to give her a hug, tell her how proud I am of her and take her to the track! You know what, chuck? This has been a very long day for me.
A very long day.
I feel like I'm sinking.
It's not as bad as you think it is.
No, I'm actually sinking.
Could you help me? Kelly.
I want this.
What about what I want? What do you want? I want what's best for gracie.
And I am sorry, but you know, you with the women and the hotel and you want to take your daughter to the track? What kind of father does that? My father did.
He was flawed and self - he did his best.
And I miss him.
Kelly, it's time.
Really? It's time.
if you leave.
I will hunt you down and kill you.
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, wait a minute.
Is this it? Yeah.
I'll give you six grand if you don't tell gracie.
Tomorrow.
Okay, okay.
That is the last thing i thought I would agree to when I woke up this morning.
What the hell got into you today? I don't know.
Something about a man's fake birthday that makes him take stock.
We're gonna be fine.
then why am I terrified? That's moving.
Well, it's very emotional for me.
No, no, that carton of chinese is moving.
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