Better Off Ted (2009) s01e10 Episode Script
Trust and Consequences
Trust.
At a successful company like this, that's the glue that holds everything together.
At Veridian Dynamics, we even hold special events to build that trust.
Don't let me go! I will not let you go! Come on! It's just like the virtual climbing wall at M.
I.
T! It wasn't there when I was there! It's virtual.
Technically, it was never there.
- Now, don't look down.
- I'm falling! I'm falling! I've got you! Once you have that trust, you know someone will always have your back.
You realize if this project goes forward all the aborigines in Australia will lose their sense of smell.
Which is why I'm going to kill it.
That's just too high a price to pay for fabric softener.
If those aborigines were here, they'd smell a good man.
You ready? - Hair? - Good.
Teeth? - Clear.
Tie? - Stained.
Gotcha.
But the most important thing is the trust the public has in our products.
That's why many of our products never get past the testing phase.
Like our soldier-tracking G.
P.
S.
underwear.
Hot.
Hot.
But sometimes, in spite of our best efforts, a bad product does get through.
And for any corporation, the worst case scenario is- The company's being sued for something we made.
Is it that number the accounting guys invented for tax purposes? - No.
- Then on a scale of one to zirplex, how bad is it? It's bad.
Remember that perfume your team developed about a year ago? In three out of 5,000 women, it reacts with their body chemistry and attracts hornets who want to mate with them.
And when the hornets realize they've been deceived, do they just laugh it off? If by laugh, you mean sting over and over again in endless waves of fury, then yes.
They have a wonderful sense of humor.
- So, has the company offered to settle? - Generously.
Enough to buy each woman a new face of equal or greater value than her original.
But their lawyers are gonna try to screw us by claiming we knew the perfume had this problem but put it on the market anyway.
- What? That's ridiculous.
- Exactly.
So we're all gonna have to give depositions and say we didn't know this could happen.
But we didn't know it could happen.
Good.
That sounds very truthful.
- Because we didn't know.
- That one wasn't as good.
- But we didn't! - There you go.
That's the one.
- Veronica! - I'd leave my name out of it.
With the public's trust at stake, we all gave depositions.
Veronica had done it before and so knew just what to say- or how little to say.
Were you involved in the development of this product? Yes.
And how would you summarize the company's reaction when they found out that women who used this product were savagely attacked by insects? - Ouch.
- Will you elaborate on that, please? No.
- Can you describe your job? - Yes.
How would you describe your job? Cleverly.
My deposition also went well, although it took an odd turn.
Tell me, Mr.
Crisp, would you give this perfume to your wife? I don't have a wife.
- Girlfriend? - I don't have a girlfriend.
Huh.
- Boyfriend? - No boyfriend.
So there's nobody significant at all in your life? I mean, that you would give the perfume to.
- Nope.
Just me and my eight-year-old daughter.
- Ohh! And Phil- Well, Phil doesn't do well under pressure.
Mr.
Mymen, says here you went to M.
I.
T.
Is that correct? No.
I'm a liar.
A damn, dirty liar! Excuse me? When I took this job, I lied on my résumé.
I didn't attend M.
I.
T.
I graduated from the University of Aruba! I wanted to be a big fish in a little pond.
I played rugby.
And I am proud of my years as a Syphilitic Conquistador.
That was the team name.
They wanted something the locals found frightening.
Lem was nervous too.
So nervous, he whipped up something in the lab to keep himself calm.
He may have over-whipped.
Hello, cats and kittens.
I'm here to testify.
This is nice.
The air feels likeJell-O.
But eventually, all the depositions ended up in the same place.
Were you aware that this product was potentially dangerous? - No.
- No.
- Absolutely not.
- Negatory, Catwoman.
- Yes.
- Now, what exactly- Wait a minute.
Did you just say "yes"? Yes.
Uh-huh.
And did you notify anyone within the company about the situation? I sent an e-mail to the C.
E.
O.
And I sent another one to- Yes? Ms.
Zwordling, who else knew about this? Ted.
Our Ted? Veridian Dynamics.
Mistakes.
We all make them.
But sometimes mistakes lead to great discoveries.
Mistakes are how we learn and grow so we can do amazing things.
When you think about it, shouldn't you be thanking us for making mistakes? Veridian Dynamics.
We're sorry.
You're welcome.
You told the lawyers that you sent me an e-mail saying that the perfume attracts hornets? I was under oath.
I had to tell the truth, which I probably would've done anyway.
It's kind of a bad habit I have.
- But it wasn't the truth.
You didn't send me an e-mail.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Oh, yes, I did.
I didn't get any e-mail.
And you could've at least warned me that's what you were gonna say.
The lawyers told us not to discuss our testimony.
And I did send it to you, Ted.
I remember.
It was my first week here.
It was my very first project.
Hello.
Linda, right? Yes, Mr.
Crisp.
Linda Zwordling.
Please, call me Ted.
Oh, and- and you call me Linda.
Oh, you already did.
Then keep calling me Linda.
And you keep calling me Ted.
And together we'll call each other by our names.
It's just crazy enough to work.
Oh, God.
That's not my laugh.
I don't know where that came from.
I'm just so excited to be here working for this company that does all these great things.
You know, my cousin uses the wheelchair you guys invented- the one that climbs stairs.
It was my idea to give them brakes.
You should've seen those suckers barreling downstairs.
You're joking with me on my first day.
I love this place.
Oh, before I forget, we've been getting some unusual results on this perfume product I've been testing.
- Ted, can I speak to you a minute? - Sure.
- Have you met Linda? - Yes.
With the laugh.
Don't worry.
I'm working on a new one.
That's not it.
Well, keep us posted.
If there's something I should know about the perfume results, just send me an e-mail.
E- got it.
You know what I'm doing? I'm trying too hard.
A few minutes later, I sent you the e-mail.
Yeah.
Well, I believe that you believe you sent it but I know exactly where I was and I didn't get anything.
How can you be so sure? For me, it was memorable because it was my first week and I was field-testing my laugh.
For you, it was just another day.
Well, I- I remember because, um- Well, I just do.
If there's something I should know about the perfume results, just, uh, send me an e-mail.
E- got it.
You know what I'm doing? I'm trying too hard.
I like that hairstyle.
It's very powerful.
- Would you mind if I wore my hair like that? - Of course not.
Good.
Then you can't anymore.
The laughing girl whose hair I'm taking likes you.
So, you wanted to talk to me? Right after our teleconference, France called.
They're in.
- God, you were on your game this afternoon.
- You think? 'Cause I wasn't really feeling it.
Ted, that was an excellent presentation.
Everything you said was just so concise and exactly- I think you and I should have sex.
If you want.
How could you know where you were at that exact moment six months ago? What were you doing that was so memorable? Well, I was, uh, just lying down.
You were lying down? That's how you remember it so vividly? Yes.
Because, uh, well, the blood had rushed to my brain.
- Why are you being so weird? - I'm not being weird.
You're being weird.
Oh, my God.
You did get my e-mail and you're lying.
That's what's happening.
This is what Ted looks like when he lies.
You think I'm lying? You think I'd lie to you? I think you'd do anything to protect this company and its precious C.
E.
O.
- You're totally gay for this place.
- Well, I am not lying.
And I don't think the company did anything wrong, so if that makes me gay, then I'm gay.
Oh, settle down.
Linda's claim that she had warned me and the C.
E.
O.
about the faulty perfume made things pretty frosty between us.
Hello, person who thinks I'm incompetent.
Hello, person who thinks I'm lying.
I'm incompetent and a liar.
I don't get a hello? And Linda's statement didn'tjust affect the two of us.
It sent shock waves through the whole company.
Our legal department was working around the clock looking for a defense strategy.
And our executives were working equally hard to find a scapegoat.
But it wasn'tjust Linda's deposition that was causing fallout.
You went to the University of Aruba? Where knowledge is king and clothing is optional.
You lied to me.
You said you went to M.
I.
T.
like I did.
We even did the school beaver dance together, remember? Now it just seems stupid.
My God.
What else have you been lying to me about? How can I trust you now? I bet you weren't even rescued in Montana by Harrison Ford.
No, that is true! I swear! I woke up next to a campfire with Indiana Jones making me bacon.
Look, I'm sorry.
I should've been honest with you.
But I had just started working here and I was afraid I'd get fired if anyone found out I lied.
I know it was wrong, but it was so long ago.
Too bad your first day of work had to be during '60s week.
So I heard you went to M.
I.
T.
Me too.
Really? Guess I should've figured I'd run into another M.
I.
T.
grad out here in the world of science.
Now that we both went there, let's promise never to talk about it again.
Are you kidding? That's all we're gonna talk about.
M.
I.
T.
was the best.
The academic clubs, the dorms, the guys, the girl.
You lied, Phil.
And you know what we do with liars at M.
I.
T? No, you don't.
The company needs to protect its image and we have a very interesting offer for you.
Phil and Lem's trust had been shattered but the company hadn't given up on trying to restore the public's trust.
They want me to be the scapegoat? We can't let the C.
E.
O.
take the blame, and you're the one who blabbed.
But I'm the only one who did the right thing.
Well, you know what we call that- irony.
Now, here's how it's going to work.
You say you knew the product was faulty, but you didn't tell anyone.
And you made up that story about the e-mail because you have a drug problem.
I don't have a drug problem.
I haven't taken drugs since- Well, you don't need to know the last time I got high.
The point is, I don't have a drug problem.
But you don't need one.
That's the beauty of this plan.
Linda, why can't you ever trust the company? They know what they're doing.
They've done it before.
It is all my fault.
I knew there was a problem with the pasta sauce, but I did not notify my superiors because, well, I'm a drug addict.
My goodness, how I love the drugs.
I will take them in my house, I will take them with a mouse- With a mouse, people.
Now, that's rock bottom.
This way, the company is protected.
- And if you agree to this, you'll be handsomely rewarded.
- Didn't do it.
You'll be sent to the most beautiful rehab facility in the country.
- Didn't do it.
- You'll get to meet movie stars, rock stars and people famous just for going in and out of rehab.
- Didn't do it.
- And when you get back, your job will be waiting for you.
Because you have a disease, Linda, a disease that makes you look weak and dirty and us, compassionate and forgiving.
It's a win-win.
How is that a win for me? - Shut up, junkie.
- Oh.
It wasn't surprising the company wanted Linda to be its scapegoat.
The surprising thing was- You accepted their offer? You're gonna say it's all your fault? Yes.
I'm gonna take the fall and land in a giant pile of money.
You're not a drug addict.
I've seen what you make.
You can't afford to be a drug addict.
- Well, that's all about to change.
- Linda, why are you doing this? Look at this place, Ted.
They freeze an employee, they weaponize pumpkins.
They took an innocent panda and turned it into an assassin.
When you work at a place like this, you try to find one person you can trust.
One person who sees things the way you do and knows right from wrong.
I thought I'd found him.
But he sold his soul to the company, so why shouldn't I? I swear to God I didn't get the e-mail! The company's scheduled a press conference.
As Linda's supervisor, would you be comfortable saying you caught her trying to sell the copier? She says she's okay with it.
No.
I am not gonna say that.
Why must you always fight me? What are you doing anyway? I'm looking for a record of Linda's e-mail.
She said she sent it May 5.
May 5, May 35.
What's the difference? Let it go.
Let her take the deal and make some money.
Don't you see what's happening? We are taking the only person here who has never compromised her ideals and turning her into an ideal compromiser.
And I don't mean an ideal compromiser, one who all the other compromisers look up to.
I understand context, Ted.
She was our conscience.
So now what are we gonna do? Gosh, you're right.
How will we ever make the Fortune 500 list of the most moral companies? Oh, wait.
They don't have that.
- Morning, Lem.
- Philip.
So, I've been thinking about our past and how I chummed the waters of our friendship with fish guts of dishonesty.
And I've been thinking about how the shark of my loyalty gorged on the deceitful entrails of your bloody lies.
So we both saw that shark special last night.
Wasn't it great? I was struck by their capacity for forgiveness their cold, black eyes so full of compassion.
It's like they can feel it- What you are watching is two scientists in their natural habitat awkwardly circling each other as they attempt to repair their battered friendship.
This ritual allows Phil and Lem to confront and resolve their problems while staying within the safe confines of marine biology.
And that is why the otter will always be thejester of the sea.
Agreed.
I forgive you.
Thanks, Lem.
I just wish I could forgive myself for lying to my closest friend for the past 10 years.
Here.
Maybe these'll help.
Look through my glasses.
Look through my lying glasses.
These aren't prescription.
These are just clear glass.
When I first started working here, I thought they'd make me look smarter.
For the last 10 years, I've been lying to you too.
Wow.
I always assumed you had poor eyesight.
You know, because you wore glasses.
- I had a feeling that's what people were thinking.
- Mmm.
Just glad I don't have to wear these anymore.
I still look smart without them, right? Phil? Hmm.
Okay.
Before you sign, let me go over the conditions with you once more.
We've been through it three times, Veronica.
I'm a scapegoat, not an actual goat.
Linda, wait! I have to show you something.
Go ahead, AngelJunk.
That's the street name we're giving you in the press release.
Look.
This explains everything.
Whoa, Ted! I know how babies are made.
And I am so not in the mood for porn right now.
- Wait.
Let me zoom in.
- Yeah, that's gonna help.
Oh, my God.
Is that you and Veronica? Ew, gross.
Why are you showing me this? What the hell is wrong with you? Just look at the date.
It's May 5.
This is right after we talked about the perfume.
This is what I was doing.
I didn't want to tell you before because I didn't think it was relevant.
But keep watching.
- No! - You have new mail.
Did you say something? No.
The orientation's over.
You're on your own now.
Now look at the computer.
There's your e-mail arriving.
Veronica deleted it.
She kicked the keyboard while she was having her second- All right, Ted.
I get it.
You're a stud.
So this is why you didn't see my e-mail.
- You were telling the truth.
- We both were.
- I'm sorry I doubted you.
- Yeah.
What was with that? - Hey, you're the one that called me a liar.
- Yeah, well- I'm sure you've lied to someone about something, so I'm just gonna call it even.
Wow.
You should have a license for that thing.
That's it for me.
You taped us having sex.
You're kinkier than I thought you were.
You have no idea.
But I didn't tape us.
I confiscated this a few months ago from Dewey the security guard.
He had dozens of employee sex tapes like that.
Dewey? Damn.
That's the first person I've ever met named Dewey I thought was normal.
The quest continues.
Anyway, when you mentioned Linda sent the e-mail on May 5 there was something about that date that rang a bell.
And then I remembered that was the date on our tape, since I've watched it several times.
You've watched it several times? If you don't study your performance, how do you expect to keep your edge? Well, I don't really look at it as a competition.
But whatever gets you there.
It was nice you did this for Linda.
Well, her heart wasn't really in being the scapegoat.
It just made more sense to give it to someone who's gonna take the ball and run with it.
I, AngelJunk am responsible for the hornets the perfume, you name it.
It was the drugs again.
What can I say? I am weak.
I will do them on a train.
- I will do them in the rain.
- In the rain, people.
Now, that's messed up.
English - US - SDH
At a successful company like this, that's the glue that holds everything together.
At Veridian Dynamics, we even hold special events to build that trust.
Don't let me go! I will not let you go! Come on! It's just like the virtual climbing wall at M.
I.
T! It wasn't there when I was there! It's virtual.
Technically, it was never there.
- Now, don't look down.
- I'm falling! I'm falling! I've got you! Once you have that trust, you know someone will always have your back.
You realize if this project goes forward all the aborigines in Australia will lose their sense of smell.
Which is why I'm going to kill it.
That's just too high a price to pay for fabric softener.
If those aborigines were here, they'd smell a good man.
You ready? - Hair? - Good.
Teeth? - Clear.
Tie? - Stained.
Gotcha.
But the most important thing is the trust the public has in our products.
That's why many of our products never get past the testing phase.
Like our soldier-tracking G.
P.
S.
underwear.
Hot.
Hot.
But sometimes, in spite of our best efforts, a bad product does get through.
And for any corporation, the worst case scenario is- The company's being sued for something we made.
Is it that number the accounting guys invented for tax purposes? - No.
- Then on a scale of one to zirplex, how bad is it? It's bad.
Remember that perfume your team developed about a year ago? In three out of 5,000 women, it reacts with their body chemistry and attracts hornets who want to mate with them.
And when the hornets realize they've been deceived, do they just laugh it off? If by laugh, you mean sting over and over again in endless waves of fury, then yes.
They have a wonderful sense of humor.
- So, has the company offered to settle? - Generously.
Enough to buy each woman a new face of equal or greater value than her original.
But their lawyers are gonna try to screw us by claiming we knew the perfume had this problem but put it on the market anyway.
- What? That's ridiculous.
- Exactly.
So we're all gonna have to give depositions and say we didn't know this could happen.
But we didn't know it could happen.
Good.
That sounds very truthful.
- Because we didn't know.
- That one wasn't as good.
- But we didn't! - There you go.
That's the one.
- Veronica! - I'd leave my name out of it.
With the public's trust at stake, we all gave depositions.
Veronica had done it before and so knew just what to say- or how little to say.
Were you involved in the development of this product? Yes.
And how would you summarize the company's reaction when they found out that women who used this product were savagely attacked by insects? - Ouch.
- Will you elaborate on that, please? No.
- Can you describe your job? - Yes.
How would you describe your job? Cleverly.
My deposition also went well, although it took an odd turn.
Tell me, Mr.
Crisp, would you give this perfume to your wife? I don't have a wife.
- Girlfriend? - I don't have a girlfriend.
Huh.
- Boyfriend? - No boyfriend.
So there's nobody significant at all in your life? I mean, that you would give the perfume to.
- Nope.
Just me and my eight-year-old daughter.
- Ohh! And Phil- Well, Phil doesn't do well under pressure.
Mr.
Mymen, says here you went to M.
I.
T.
Is that correct? No.
I'm a liar.
A damn, dirty liar! Excuse me? When I took this job, I lied on my résumé.
I didn't attend M.
I.
T.
I graduated from the University of Aruba! I wanted to be a big fish in a little pond.
I played rugby.
And I am proud of my years as a Syphilitic Conquistador.
That was the team name.
They wanted something the locals found frightening.
Lem was nervous too.
So nervous, he whipped up something in the lab to keep himself calm.
He may have over-whipped.
Hello, cats and kittens.
I'm here to testify.
This is nice.
The air feels likeJell-O.
But eventually, all the depositions ended up in the same place.
Were you aware that this product was potentially dangerous? - No.
- No.
- Absolutely not.
- Negatory, Catwoman.
- Yes.
- Now, what exactly- Wait a minute.
Did you just say "yes"? Yes.
Uh-huh.
And did you notify anyone within the company about the situation? I sent an e-mail to the C.
E.
O.
And I sent another one to- Yes? Ms.
Zwordling, who else knew about this? Ted.
Our Ted? Veridian Dynamics.
Mistakes.
We all make them.
But sometimes mistakes lead to great discoveries.
Mistakes are how we learn and grow so we can do amazing things.
When you think about it, shouldn't you be thanking us for making mistakes? Veridian Dynamics.
We're sorry.
You're welcome.
You told the lawyers that you sent me an e-mail saying that the perfume attracts hornets? I was under oath.
I had to tell the truth, which I probably would've done anyway.
It's kind of a bad habit I have.
- But it wasn't the truth.
You didn't send me an e-mail.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Oh, yes, I did.
I didn't get any e-mail.
And you could've at least warned me that's what you were gonna say.
The lawyers told us not to discuss our testimony.
And I did send it to you, Ted.
I remember.
It was my first week here.
It was my very first project.
Hello.
Linda, right? Yes, Mr.
Crisp.
Linda Zwordling.
Please, call me Ted.
Oh, and- and you call me Linda.
Oh, you already did.
Then keep calling me Linda.
And you keep calling me Ted.
And together we'll call each other by our names.
It's just crazy enough to work.
Oh, God.
That's not my laugh.
I don't know where that came from.
I'm just so excited to be here working for this company that does all these great things.
You know, my cousin uses the wheelchair you guys invented- the one that climbs stairs.
It was my idea to give them brakes.
You should've seen those suckers barreling downstairs.
You're joking with me on my first day.
I love this place.
Oh, before I forget, we've been getting some unusual results on this perfume product I've been testing.
- Ted, can I speak to you a minute? - Sure.
- Have you met Linda? - Yes.
With the laugh.
Don't worry.
I'm working on a new one.
That's not it.
Well, keep us posted.
If there's something I should know about the perfume results, just send me an e-mail.
E- got it.
You know what I'm doing? I'm trying too hard.
A few minutes later, I sent you the e-mail.
Yeah.
Well, I believe that you believe you sent it but I know exactly where I was and I didn't get anything.
How can you be so sure? For me, it was memorable because it was my first week and I was field-testing my laugh.
For you, it was just another day.
Well, I- I remember because, um- Well, I just do.
If there's something I should know about the perfume results, just, uh, send me an e-mail.
E- got it.
You know what I'm doing? I'm trying too hard.
I like that hairstyle.
It's very powerful.
- Would you mind if I wore my hair like that? - Of course not.
Good.
Then you can't anymore.
The laughing girl whose hair I'm taking likes you.
So, you wanted to talk to me? Right after our teleconference, France called.
They're in.
- God, you were on your game this afternoon.
- You think? 'Cause I wasn't really feeling it.
Ted, that was an excellent presentation.
Everything you said was just so concise and exactly- I think you and I should have sex.
If you want.
How could you know where you were at that exact moment six months ago? What were you doing that was so memorable? Well, I was, uh, just lying down.
You were lying down? That's how you remember it so vividly? Yes.
Because, uh, well, the blood had rushed to my brain.
- Why are you being so weird? - I'm not being weird.
You're being weird.
Oh, my God.
You did get my e-mail and you're lying.
That's what's happening.
This is what Ted looks like when he lies.
You think I'm lying? You think I'd lie to you? I think you'd do anything to protect this company and its precious C.
E.
O.
- You're totally gay for this place.
- Well, I am not lying.
And I don't think the company did anything wrong, so if that makes me gay, then I'm gay.
Oh, settle down.
Linda's claim that she had warned me and the C.
E.
O.
about the faulty perfume made things pretty frosty between us.
Hello, person who thinks I'm incompetent.
Hello, person who thinks I'm lying.
I'm incompetent and a liar.
I don't get a hello? And Linda's statement didn'tjust affect the two of us.
It sent shock waves through the whole company.
Our legal department was working around the clock looking for a defense strategy.
And our executives were working equally hard to find a scapegoat.
But it wasn'tjust Linda's deposition that was causing fallout.
You went to the University of Aruba? Where knowledge is king and clothing is optional.
You lied to me.
You said you went to M.
I.
T.
like I did.
We even did the school beaver dance together, remember? Now it just seems stupid.
My God.
What else have you been lying to me about? How can I trust you now? I bet you weren't even rescued in Montana by Harrison Ford.
No, that is true! I swear! I woke up next to a campfire with Indiana Jones making me bacon.
Look, I'm sorry.
I should've been honest with you.
But I had just started working here and I was afraid I'd get fired if anyone found out I lied.
I know it was wrong, but it was so long ago.
Too bad your first day of work had to be during '60s week.
So I heard you went to M.
I.
T.
Me too.
Really? Guess I should've figured I'd run into another M.
I.
T.
grad out here in the world of science.
Now that we both went there, let's promise never to talk about it again.
Are you kidding? That's all we're gonna talk about.
M.
I.
T.
was the best.
The academic clubs, the dorms, the guys, the girl.
You lied, Phil.
And you know what we do with liars at M.
I.
T? No, you don't.
The company needs to protect its image and we have a very interesting offer for you.
Phil and Lem's trust had been shattered but the company hadn't given up on trying to restore the public's trust.
They want me to be the scapegoat? We can't let the C.
E.
O.
take the blame, and you're the one who blabbed.
But I'm the only one who did the right thing.
Well, you know what we call that- irony.
Now, here's how it's going to work.
You say you knew the product was faulty, but you didn't tell anyone.
And you made up that story about the e-mail because you have a drug problem.
I don't have a drug problem.
I haven't taken drugs since- Well, you don't need to know the last time I got high.
The point is, I don't have a drug problem.
But you don't need one.
That's the beauty of this plan.
Linda, why can't you ever trust the company? They know what they're doing.
They've done it before.
It is all my fault.
I knew there was a problem with the pasta sauce, but I did not notify my superiors because, well, I'm a drug addict.
My goodness, how I love the drugs.
I will take them in my house, I will take them with a mouse- With a mouse, people.
Now, that's rock bottom.
This way, the company is protected.
- And if you agree to this, you'll be handsomely rewarded.
- Didn't do it.
You'll be sent to the most beautiful rehab facility in the country.
- Didn't do it.
- You'll get to meet movie stars, rock stars and people famous just for going in and out of rehab.
- Didn't do it.
- And when you get back, your job will be waiting for you.
Because you have a disease, Linda, a disease that makes you look weak and dirty and us, compassionate and forgiving.
It's a win-win.
How is that a win for me? - Shut up, junkie.
- Oh.
It wasn't surprising the company wanted Linda to be its scapegoat.
The surprising thing was- You accepted their offer? You're gonna say it's all your fault? Yes.
I'm gonna take the fall and land in a giant pile of money.
You're not a drug addict.
I've seen what you make.
You can't afford to be a drug addict.
- Well, that's all about to change.
- Linda, why are you doing this? Look at this place, Ted.
They freeze an employee, they weaponize pumpkins.
They took an innocent panda and turned it into an assassin.
When you work at a place like this, you try to find one person you can trust.
One person who sees things the way you do and knows right from wrong.
I thought I'd found him.
But he sold his soul to the company, so why shouldn't I? I swear to God I didn't get the e-mail! The company's scheduled a press conference.
As Linda's supervisor, would you be comfortable saying you caught her trying to sell the copier? She says she's okay with it.
No.
I am not gonna say that.
Why must you always fight me? What are you doing anyway? I'm looking for a record of Linda's e-mail.
She said she sent it May 5.
May 5, May 35.
What's the difference? Let it go.
Let her take the deal and make some money.
Don't you see what's happening? We are taking the only person here who has never compromised her ideals and turning her into an ideal compromiser.
And I don't mean an ideal compromiser, one who all the other compromisers look up to.
I understand context, Ted.
She was our conscience.
So now what are we gonna do? Gosh, you're right.
How will we ever make the Fortune 500 list of the most moral companies? Oh, wait.
They don't have that.
- Morning, Lem.
- Philip.
So, I've been thinking about our past and how I chummed the waters of our friendship with fish guts of dishonesty.
And I've been thinking about how the shark of my loyalty gorged on the deceitful entrails of your bloody lies.
So we both saw that shark special last night.
Wasn't it great? I was struck by their capacity for forgiveness their cold, black eyes so full of compassion.
It's like they can feel it- What you are watching is two scientists in their natural habitat awkwardly circling each other as they attempt to repair their battered friendship.
This ritual allows Phil and Lem to confront and resolve their problems while staying within the safe confines of marine biology.
And that is why the otter will always be thejester of the sea.
Agreed.
I forgive you.
Thanks, Lem.
I just wish I could forgive myself for lying to my closest friend for the past 10 years.
Here.
Maybe these'll help.
Look through my glasses.
Look through my lying glasses.
These aren't prescription.
These are just clear glass.
When I first started working here, I thought they'd make me look smarter.
For the last 10 years, I've been lying to you too.
Wow.
I always assumed you had poor eyesight.
You know, because you wore glasses.
- I had a feeling that's what people were thinking.
- Mmm.
Just glad I don't have to wear these anymore.
I still look smart without them, right? Phil? Hmm.
Okay.
Before you sign, let me go over the conditions with you once more.
We've been through it three times, Veronica.
I'm a scapegoat, not an actual goat.
Linda, wait! I have to show you something.
Go ahead, AngelJunk.
That's the street name we're giving you in the press release.
Look.
This explains everything.
Whoa, Ted! I know how babies are made.
And I am so not in the mood for porn right now.
- Wait.
Let me zoom in.
- Yeah, that's gonna help.
Oh, my God.
Is that you and Veronica? Ew, gross.
Why are you showing me this? What the hell is wrong with you? Just look at the date.
It's May 5.
This is right after we talked about the perfume.
This is what I was doing.
I didn't want to tell you before because I didn't think it was relevant.
But keep watching.
- No! - You have new mail.
Did you say something? No.
The orientation's over.
You're on your own now.
Now look at the computer.
There's your e-mail arriving.
Veronica deleted it.
She kicked the keyboard while she was having her second- All right, Ted.
I get it.
You're a stud.
So this is why you didn't see my e-mail.
- You were telling the truth.
- We both were.
- I'm sorry I doubted you.
- Yeah.
What was with that? - Hey, you're the one that called me a liar.
- Yeah, well- I'm sure you've lied to someone about something, so I'm just gonna call it even.
Wow.
You should have a license for that thing.
That's it for me.
You taped us having sex.
You're kinkier than I thought you were.
You have no idea.
But I didn't tape us.
I confiscated this a few months ago from Dewey the security guard.
He had dozens of employee sex tapes like that.
Dewey? Damn.
That's the first person I've ever met named Dewey I thought was normal.
The quest continues.
Anyway, when you mentioned Linda sent the e-mail on May 5 there was something about that date that rang a bell.
And then I remembered that was the date on our tape, since I've watched it several times.
You've watched it several times? If you don't study your performance, how do you expect to keep your edge? Well, I don't really look at it as a competition.
But whatever gets you there.
It was nice you did this for Linda.
Well, her heart wasn't really in being the scapegoat.
It just made more sense to give it to someone who's gonna take the ball and run with it.
I, AngelJunk am responsible for the hornets the perfume, you name it.
It was the drugs again.
What can I say? I am weak.
I will do them on a train.
- I will do them in the rain.
- In the rain, people.
Now, that's messed up.
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