Blockbuster (2022) s01e10 Episode Script

1
You can't. There's no room.
No, come on, I can get one more.
Ooh!
Wow, you're a genius.
Just looking out for you and the business.
You spent all this money on everything,
might as well display it.
You gotta spend money to make money.
Plus it's not every day you get to put up
an elf peeing on the naughty list.
Reporting for Channel 12,
this is Remington Alexander
- back from vacation.
- Finally.
Today's top story
is the impending solar storm
threatening to knock out the Internet,
cell phone service,
and possibly the power grid.
It incited panic
and caused a rush on essential items
So much fear mongering.
Maybe, but the solar storm is real.
It's why China built a second sun.
Between the solar storm and the metaverse,
I feel like it's coming out of both ends.
If I'm being totally honest,
I did buy 10 pounds
of loose seeds just in case.
I heard the Internet might go down.
You aren't you worried about your Bitcoin?
I already converted it to Kohl's cash.
Stop. This is Y2K all over again.
They said computers would shut down,
my dad panicked
and printed out all his porn.
Nothing happened except
I had to use the other side of that porn
to print my essay on Gatsby.
The search for local
Sandwich Hell employee,
Garrett Pennock, has taken a sexy turn
All right, let's just focus
on the event. Okay?
Someone who survived
the Gumdrop Avalanche once said,
"You must shine on,"
and that someone is Lil' Stevie.
I am confused.
I've explained it so many times.
People aren't renting enough DVDs
to keep the lights on,
so we're pivoting to more special events.
You trick nerds into paying
to meet a washed-up actor.
No, I understand that.
I'm confused about Patrice.
I called her
and she hasn't gotten back to me.
It's been two days,
and now I'm worried that she's mad at me.
She's been like this all morning.
Worried my new best friend is mad?
Yeah, I'm a real monster. Oh, Patrice!
Just me. Found a Christmas bow.
Sorry. You have terrible posture
just like Patrice.
I have never seen
so many people here before.
Except for that one time
someone claimed they saw Bono.
That was me.
Somebody left a pair of tinted sunglasses
on a pumpkin.
I think I finally figured out
how to run this business.
The pre-sales from this event alone
will pay my rent for the next two months,
and a new spatula for the bathroom key.
Never underestimate nostalgia.
Nothing thrills people more
than knowing their memory still works.
So, Lena, I was wondering
Well, you like me, and I like you
I know labels are for losers
Oh, no. My mom thinks she saw a shoplifter
and she's going to handle things her way.
Sorry, I better get there.
Of course. Right.
Did I tell you that my community
college offers classes at night?
What? Everything's coming up Hannah.
- The world is your oyster.
- I could even major in oysters.
So I have a little secret.
Okay.
Eliza's husband Aaron
is going to re-propose to her
in here tonight.
Really? I thought that marriage
was a little rocky.
Well, that's why I told him
he needs a grand gesture.
Things might be more complicated
than you think.
Trust me, people always come to me
about matters of the heart.
Fine. Aaron came in
to get Eliza's schedule,
and then I think he just told me
because he's bad at small talk.
I might also have news pretty soon
that's gonna blow your mind.
Ooh! Please will you film
the proposal for us.
Ideally, it would be as cinematic as
Pitch Perfect 2.
Come on. Please.
Eh, might as well have me pitch in
while you can still afford me, Toots.
What? I can't pay.
- No, I know. I was gonna do it for free.
- Okay.
Wow! Oh, my God.
Look at all these weirdos.
It's definitely more Garfield sweatshirts
- than I'm used to in a day.
- All these lives going sideways.
Standing in the cold
for a 25-year-old Christmas movie.
No, I take that back.
They're not weirdos. They're geekers.
- I heard that. You laughed.
- Barely.
- You think I'm funny, don't you?
- Funny adjacent. Okay?
Wow, looks like the North Pole in here.
Except less elf scat.
Huge problem up there.
Oh.
Mistletoe. Could you imagine us kissing?
Like, how weird would that be?
Like, there's you and there's me
and our lips,
and did you know that lips are technically
a mucous membrane and not skin?
Huh, I did not know that or want to.
He's here! Lil' Stevie's here.
- Hey.
- Sorry I'm late.
This dang solar storm stuff
has me screwed up.
Also, I'm an adult now
so you can call me just Stevie.
Just Stevie gets it.
But, guess what else! We sold out.
- Really?
- Wait. You sold out the event?
It's just that I retired from acting.
I haven't been in front of a crowd
in over a decade.
- What if they're here to make fun of me?
- What? No. People love you.
Just do what Lil' Stevie did in the movie
when he danced
in front of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
Just give yourself a big hug
for confidence.
Okay, sure.
We'll go warm up the crowd
while you give yourself that hug.
- I can't wait.
- It'll be awesome.
- Okay.
- I'm so excited.
- It's gonna be so cool.
- Sold out!
Oh, a hug.
Mm!
All right. Who wants to meet Lil' Stevie?
You don't sound that excited.
That's more like it. Okay.
How about we start
with a little movie trivia contest.
- Winner gets this Truman Show key chain.
- Uh-oh!
Ooh!
All right, first question.
Besides But I'm Too Young to be Santa,
name another movie
directed by Roman Polanski.
Oh!
Whoa!
Hi.
Yeah!
You were supposed to go around.
Not through.
Football!
Uh Hey, Stevie.
Why don't you say your catchphrase?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, hey, hey.
Did I do that?
- I pity the fool!
- Okay. Stop it.
You're almost pathologically
doing catchphrases of Black characters.
It's "But I'm too young to be Santa."
That's right. Thank you.
But I'm too young to be Santa!
- He's drunk.
- Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Okay.
Dude, you gotta pull it together.
Hey, no more drinking, okay?
Be normal, and stop telling people
why you were banned from Cameo.
Never.
Ho-ho-ho!
Happy Hanukkah to a child.
What can I do for you?
How are you? Is this your wife?
- I'm messing. I'm busting your balls, kid.
- Okay.
You look like my favorite actress,
Angela Racks.
Whoa, buddy.
Santa just complimented your mom.
- Pretty cool.
- Yeah, he did.
Angela Racks was a porn star in the '70s.
She invented the modern-day gangbang.
She was a true pioneer.
You forgot your DVD. Ah!
- Okay, no.
- Damn it!
He meant "corn" star. She did commercials
- for the Iowa Department of Agriculture.
- Goodbye.
Who doesn't call shucking corn
with your friends a gangbang?
Me, Santa doesn't.
We reduced the signed DVDs to 20 bucks.
You can't leave empty-handed.
That's not the Lil' Stevie I remember.
That man wouldn't race around the globe
to find the cure
for Rudolph's testicular cancer.
I meant pornography,
I don't know what he's talking about.
- Take it.
- Ouch.
It's room temperature.
Oh, wow. Congrats, kid.
You're about to witness
the launch of my Hollywood career.
"The Emerging Filmmakers Fellow"
I didn't get in.
I can't believe I didn't get in.
That was mine.
Hey, how many refunds have you processed?
Do you want to know the exact number?
Because it might give you a heart attack.
Where'd everybody go?
Everybody left because of you.
Event's canceled.
Please, get the hell out of here.
Well, I would, but I'm pretty drunk.
It's not a moral thing.
It's just, my car has a little tube
you gotta blow into
Stop talking!
Stop talking.
Uh, hey, you can all still buy food
and rent videos if you want.
No sense coming all this way and
What the hell is going on?
- Wow.
- Great. The solar storm.
Told you there would be one.
No one ever believes Hannah.
I need a drink.
The solar storm caused Internet
and cell service to crash indefinitely.
Tensions mount as incidents of looting
have been reported
all across Menominee County
We're the Jingle Bills.
Okay.
Hannah said we could wait in here.
Oh, for Aaron's proposal, right.
Because nothing says "romance"
like a band of lonely stepdads.
Stepdad? I wish.
Are you going to film it?
Hannah says you're the next Nancy Meyers.
That is not a compliment
and I'm not a filmmaker, apparently.
Maybe Hannah should film it herself.
Here's my camera.
Tell her to read the instructions.
It's easy. She got into community college.
That's amazing.
Everyone gets into community college.
Everyone.
The Wi-Fi went out right
as I crossed a river in Oregon Trail
Bup-bup-bup! Let me introduce you
to the currency of our new world.
- I didn't stock up.
- Of course you didn't.
- That'll be $5 a roll.
- Kayla will you call Patrice for me?
Call her yourself, or better yet,
walk next door and talk to her.
Oh, no. I don't want to seem pushy.
You know how relationships are.
One false move,
this is Sylvia all over again.
I can't lose Patrice.
Can I use your landline?
Cells aren't working.
Can you look up my mom's number?
I don't know it.
Oh, my God. All of you shut up.
- What did I do?
- Will you call Patrice?
- What's a Patrice?
- Have you seen Timmy?
He's probably taking a victory lap,
like at the Daytona 500.
When a car crashes and burns,
it takes a victory lap in flames.
This is serious.
When Timmy gets down on himself,
he really needs someone, usually me,
to bring his spirits up
or he starts spiraling
I've got toilet paper to sell.
Timmy fails again.
Who am I kidding? I suck at business.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
- And drinking apparently.
- Aw.
You know, when I was a kid,
my mom never put out a ton
of Christmas decorations,
but we did have this one reindeer,
and every year she would put it out
and every year neighborhood kids stole it.
I'd always convince her to buy a new one,
but eventually
she just stopped putting anything out.
Well, those kids sound like assholes.
They were.
But at what point do you just give up?
I kept the last Blockbuster open
after corporate folded.
This store is my reindeer.
Maybe it is.
But what I like most about you
is that you're the type of person
who will never stop
buying another reindeer.
Mm. You mean an idiot?
No, an optimist.
Watch it, nobody calls
my boyfriend an idiot.
Oh, great.
The girl that I like has a boy
- Are you talking about me?
- Yes, you are my boyfriend.
Hey. Do you remember when you were little
and had colic, we would stay up
and watch Celebrity Grappling
until you fell asleep?
Do I remember being an infant?
So, no.
Anyway, Lil' Stevie was on it.
I didn't recognize him
with the Santa beard,
but he tried to poke Cheech Marin
in the eye with a stick.
How cool is that?
The guy from our show.
It's not our show.
You're just as lame
as the other dorks
that came for Lil' Stevie.
What's up with you?
I thought we were
kind of, sort of getting along again.
Yeah, well. Swing and a miss.
The legend.
The manhole cover himself.
This proposal is going to be so good.
Sure is.
Wait, so you're all actually named Bill?
Yeah, we have to be named Bill to join.
It's tradition.
- My name used to be Tracy.
- I did it.
Hmm.
I think I just designed my first shot.
Thank God I found you.
Oh, hey.
Hey, I know today's been kind of a lot,
and I figured you probably
needed somebody to
Two tequila and Sprites.
Oh, Lena.
- Hey.
- Hey!
Great.
I was worried that you were here
drinking yourself to death alone.
I fully expected to have to
pick you up off the floor.
But I guess this is a whole new Timmy,
and that's
that's great.
Eliza, your hair looks fantastic.
Thank you. Yours is hair too.
Yeah! Move forward!
What the hell is going on?
Hey, Blockbuster
carries kids videos, right?
I'm desperate.
Yeah, of course, games too.
Oh, my God!
Streaming services are down.
The solar storm knocked out the Internet,
without it, people are gonna need
DVDs.
Blockbuster's the only game in town.
You're sitting on a goldmine, Timmy.
Lena, you're right.
I was just saying that.
What if we triple the prices of sequels?
These nerds will pay anything
to see if Iron Man dies.
Whoa. Success really changes you.
I told you buying another reindeer
was a good idea.
I'm a reindeer man.
I don't get the joke.
Yay!
You're gonna want the sequel to that.
Not sure you're old enough to rent that.
It's rated F for fantastic.
Oh, Shaq is great in that.
Timmy, you are cleaning up.
I just saw someone rent
a Jimmy Fallon movie. On purpose.
I knew one day
people would abandon streaming
and return to the superior format of DVD.
Sure, it was by force, but I'll take it.
Didn't think people
were still doing public tongue action.
Yep. It's pretty gross.
Oh, Eliza, I need your help
in the break room to
- Great. Happy to get away from this.
- Oh, good.
I forgot to invent a reason why.
We're only accepting cash.
- Credit cards will be rejected.
- Here you go.
Rejected.
Like how Patrice rejected me.
Le sigh. That's what she always said.
Can you pull yourself together?
We have customers.
I mean, I don't care.
- Patrice.
- You know what, Connie?
If you were so mad at me,
you could've just told me
instead of never calling me back.
And to think I planned
this huge surprise for us.
What? But I was the last one to call you.
Were you?
Was I?
I thought you died, or worse, hated me.
That sounds crazy,
but I value our friendship that much.
Me too.
Wait. What surprise did you plan?
Mon amie
I'm taking you to Paris
Hotel in Las Vegas.
Please tell me they have a buffet.
They have deux.
I know we have The Jungle Cruise.
There's copies in the back. Give me a sec.
Anything with The Rock in it.
Something for the kids,
and for Mommy when she's in the tub later.
You might want to skip
the Paul Giamatti scenes, tub wise.
Or I might not.
Here we are. Bills, go.
Can somebody tell me
How to get things back ♪
The way they used to be? ♪
Oh, God, give me a reason ♪
I'm down on bended knee ♪
Oh, my God.
Goose I know I've made mistakes.
But I love you more
than anything on this Earth,
and I want to prove it to you.
So
Um
What do you say
we put our past behind us for good?
Will you make me the happiest man
in the world, and remarry me?
No.
I'm sorry?
Should we still do
"I'll Make Love To You"?
What? No, Jungle Cruise?
Oh, no. We're out.
Um, I'll see you later.
Looking forward to our date, boyfriend.
Me too, Eliza.
Um, not Eliza. I meant Lena. Lena.
Yeah, Lena.
I think I'm getting the full picture here.
- Just Wait, I
- Maybe we should cancel tonight.
No, come on. Lena.
This seems like a bad time,
I know, but I'm looking for a movie
about a pig, but not Babe.
It's too big a city.
- I
- Okay.
Dude, you can't smoke in here.
What are you doing?
Come on. Be cool, man.
Whatever, do what you want. I don't care.
Oh, man, was it a mistake
for me to come here.
I'm a joke.
People just came here to make fun of me.
They're all, "Let's all laugh
at the sad guy with rosacea
who once got escorted
off the Nash Bridges set by cop extras."
I know what you mean.
I mean, not specifically that but
I just found out
I didn't get into this film program
which had been my lifelong dream.
Didn't even consider I could get rejected.
You want to know something, kid?
Hollywood is filled with rejection.
Even Speven Stielberg
got rejected from USC.
You think I got
But I'm Too Young to be Santa
on the first try?
No. Their first choice
died in a grape juice commercial.
Hollywood crushes dreams. Okay?
Welcome to the club, kid.
You're a Hollywood filmmaker now.
Huh.
- Thanks, man.
- You're welcome.
Okay, good night.
Hannah, can we get some water?
It's really a no?
Can the Jingle Ballers
not be here for this?
Jingle Bills.
You still owe us the other half.
Can we settle this later, Bill?
I gotta be honest,
I did not see this coming.
I thought I've been
doing everything right.
You have been.
But doing a bunch of little things right
doesn't cancel out
the big thing you did wrong.
That's what this is about.
No.
Not entirely, I don't think.
It's not like we didn't have
problems before you cheated,
that was probably why you cheated.
I don't know how to respond to that.
This, us
it just doesn't feel right anymore.
It was one thing
when we were giving it a go for Ali,
but she's an adult now with her own life.
And we owe it to her
and to ourselves to
try to be happy.
But what if being with you makes me happy?
I have feelings for someone else.
What?
Since when?
I don't know.
Maybe a few weeks, maybe
Timmy?
I'm sorry.
I have to go.
- What are you doing?
- Give me that.
Get your hands off my Snow Buddies.
We have a long drive home.
That is the only thing keeping my kids
from chewing through their seat belts.
Hey, there's plenty other movies
that kids love, like Unfaithful.
Diane Lane is electric in this.
I need Snow Buddies for my kids.
They're "snow" cool.
Hey, we need to talk.
- Now's not the best time.
- I know.
But what you saw back there
made me realize something,
and it's really important
I say it out loud.
Hey, man.
You probably get this a whole lot
but I'm a big fan.
Celebrity Grappling
got me through some tough times.
Would you mind signing this?
And what was it like
to scissor kick Emmanuel Lewis?
Hilarious. That's not a chapter
of my life I'm proud of.
I only did it because I was low on cash
and me and Emmanuel have beef. Excuse me.
- Thank you. Okay.
- Hey. Hey.
- Excuse me, man.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- I will give you $100 for this DVD.
- I'll give you the contents of my purse.
Could be nothing of value
or several things of value.
Storage Wars style.
- Yeah, no thank you.
- Come on.
Don't be like that.
You can't be embarrassed.
You are the man who grappled
the hell out of Tonya Harding.
And she deserved that.
I get it. This is a roast.
You're roasting me.
Timmy. We've known each other so long,
and I want to end the pattern
I'm tired of having doubts.
- No need for violence.
- Let me have it!
I don't want to talk about
Celebrity Grappling, okay?
If you want to talk about one of my films
in the Lil' Stevie Cinematic Universe,
I would love that.
Hey, I'm not one of those inbred dogs
from earlier, I'm a real fan.
You are making fun of me!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's happening?
Hey, come on, no. Guys.
Not Buscemi.
Stop, please.
Where's Thimble?
Come on, please stop.
Hey, that's my whole week
you got in your hands, man.
Not cool, bro.
I can't die a virgin.
Who are all these people?
I'm Tad from Ohio. I'm a Scorpio.
To hell with Blockbuster!
So, on the bright side,
you got pretty riled up
when Lil' Stevie sucker punched me,
almost as if you kind of cared
about your old dad.
Of course I do.
Why did you get so pissed earlier?
Out of nowhere.
When I thought things were good for us.
Because I care about this stupid place
for some reason,
and I was mad
when Stevie was ruining everything and
I took it out on you
'cause they say you take things out
on those closest to you.
And I guess that's you or whatever.
Or whatever.
You know something?
That right there
was the best part of my year.
I feel like this is a bad one
Racked up too many mistakes ♪
It's gonna be okay. We can clean up.
Get everyone to pitch in and we'll keep
What's the point?
I put everything I had
into this cursed monkey paw of a store
because it's the only place
that's ever felt like home.
The only place
I ever felt like I belonged,
and it's not either
of those things anymore.
There's a reason
over 9,000 Blockbusters have closed.
I was an idiot to think
this would be different.
I'm done.
Done caring about anything.
I'm not buying another reindeer.
I still don't know what that means.
Timmy?
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
Had my heart for over three years
Don't think you understand ♪
Probably take double that to see clear
Keeping up, being part of my plan ♪
Oh, you don't know ♪
How this goes ♪
If I'm being honest, yeah ♪
It might take a little longer
For us to be cool again ♪
It might take a little longer
For us to be cool again ♪
I know I said
We'll be fine ♪
But that was then
And it's a lie ♪
It might take a little longer
For us to be cool, cool, again ♪