Bojack Horseman (2014) s01e10 Episode Script

We're very different, but I think that we bring out the best in each other.
It's like you're chocolate and I'm Mr.
Peanutbutter.
Shut up and kiss me, you silly goof.
Cut! Welcome back to Excess Hollywoo.
I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type, and I'm visiting the set of Mr.
Peanutbutter's Hollywoo Heist.
I'm thrilled to be talking to the star of the film, BoJack Horseman, and his real life inspiration, Mr.
Peanutbutter.
Am I an inspiration? Well, that depends on how you define - Wait a minute.
Yes, I am.
- Ugh.
You know, I'm just over the moon to be producing this movie about my daring exploit.
- Yes, your daring exploit.
- Yes.
It's such a treat to be shooting in my very own casa.
And it's an even sweeter treat to be played by my good amigo dare I say best amigo? - You "daren't.
" - We're so in tune.
We even finish each other's sentences.
Sometimes it doesn't happen.
- It never - Happens.
Ah, see? I'm inside him.
BoJack, you haven't worked in quite some time.
In fact, I thought you were dead.
You must be so grateful to be working again and also alive, which, again, I thought you were not.
How did you get involved with this? Well You want me to play Mr.
Peanutbutter in the story he stole from me? I stole the D, and then he stole my stealing of it.
That makes him an idea thief, which is much less cool than a thief thief, which is what I am and what he also is.
You know what might help? If you think about this like a professional instead of a big titty baby.
This movie is a huge opportunity.
Quentin Tarantulino is known for revitalizing dead careers.
This could do for you what Reservoir Dogs did for Rin Tin Tin.
But isn't there any other part? I could play myself.
No, BoJack's already being played by Wallace Shawn.
What? The short guy from The Princess Bride who says "inconceivable"? - Why Wallace Shawn? - BoJack Horseman? I don't want to play that boob.
I'm trying to help you out, Wally.
You're the one who keeps buying expensive Rothkos.
I have a disease.
Would you tell an alcoholic to stop buying alcohol? You know, Black and Blue Number 7's going up for auction next week.
Fine.
I'll do the dumb movie.
Fine.
I'll do the dumb movie.
But if you find me in a bathtub with open wrists tomorrow and the words "I hate my agent" smeared across the walls in blood, you'll know why.
So obviously I'm thrilled to be here, just thrilled.
Cast and crew only.
I know you're just doing your job, but I live here, and the crew has been here since 3:00 a.
m.
, so I'm a little tired.
Cast and crew only.
Hey, stranger.
Haven't really seen you since the wedding.
Kind of feels like we're coming back to school - after summer vacation.
- Yeah.
I'll see you at the pep rally.
Hope we don't get Mrs.
Kirkman for trig this year.
Yeah, well, I hope the cheerleaders don't stuff me in a locker and write "virgin slut" on my forehead, and then when I ask how I could be both a virgin and a slut, they make me eat a lipstick.
Uh So what have you been up to these last couple months? Well, I've been pretty busy.
Met a girl at Soho House.
- Was she your waitress? - Yes.
Then I met a girl at Mastro's.
- Was she also your waitress? - Yes.
Then I met a girl at P.
F.
Chang's.
Let me guess.
She was your A hooker, yes, but what she really wants to do is wait tables.
Well, I, for one, would love to meet the aspiring food-service worker who finally gets you to settle down.
What? Why would I want to settle down? I'm 50.
- Yeah, anyway - So I'm sending the first draft of the book to Pinky this afternoon.
- What? It's done? - Not yet.
Almost.
I'm excited for you to read it, but I'm also cripplingly nervous.
I actually kind of feel like throwing up, but I can't throw up because I haven't had anything to eat because this lady won't let me in my own kitchen.
Cast and crew only.
Listen, if reading a book you wrote is anywhere near as great as it is to actually spend time with you, I'm sure it's gonna be wonderful.
Having said that, what do I know about books? I'm just a dumb actor.
I'm here with Hollywoo darling Naomi Watts.
Tell me, what attracted you to the role of Diane? I just keep getting pigeonholed as these complex characters in highly acclaimed movies.
For once, I would just love to phone it in and play a two-dimensional girl in a rom com with no inner life of her own.
That's kind of the reason I got into this business.
Ha ha! You said words.
Now, is it true you stay in character between takes? Oh, we all do.
The director insists upon it.
He even has everyone calling me Diane to help me get in the headspace.
It's been great.
Diane, looking good.
- Um, thanks.
- Ugh, not you.
I was talking to Diane.
Oh, thank you.
Now, where's my peanut butter? Right over here, Q.
No, I'm looking for peanut butter.
Oh, you mean BoJack? If I wanted BoJack, I would call BoJack.
Did someone call for BoJack? It really cuts down on confusion.
Ah, show business, the great equalizer.
Is that what it is? Todd, spritz me.
- Spritzing.
- Mm, mm, mm.
Well spritzed.
Have you ever been on a movie set before? No, sir, Mr.
Peanutbutter.
Please, Mr.
Peanutbutter was my father's name.
- Uh - And it's also my name! Ooh, speaking of Mr.
Peanutbutter, I'll be back in a jiff, skippy.
Keep that air spritzed for me.
Aloha, kemosabe.
Hey, allow me to put on my producer hat and produce you just for one second here.
I have a few notes on how you're playing me.
Let's see.
Problems, problems, problems, ah, here we go.
I find it really troubling that my movie self is wearing a crew neck T-shirt.
I only wear V-necks.
You see the problem.
- I do not.
- I just think if we're telling the story, we should tell it how it really happened.
Yeah, this whole story isn't how it really happened.
Right because of the shirts.
Because I'm the one who stole the D.
I'm the real hero here.
My life is full of exciting adventures.
I should write a book.
Oh, wait.
I did.
Suck on that, society.
Hey, you're in a mood.
Perhaps the tightness of that crew neck is cutting off circulation to the brain? Let me talk to Donna in wardrobe.
We're gonna fix this, buddy.
Donna! What are you doing? I'm just trying to get inside my character, which is you.
Is this how we move our arms? We're so weird.
Is this really necessary? Is this really necessary? That's not what I sound like.
That's not mut mi sound mike.
Hey, what's it been like since we got married? Is it everything we dreamed of since we were little? When I was little, I dreamed of getting a MacArthur grant for my 'zine about how all the girls at school were bitches.
- Oh.
- Look, the wedding was great.
But that's not real life.
I mean, I guess I got a happy ending, but every happy ending has the day after the happy ending, right? And the day after that.
So the wedding was so much fun.
It was the happiest day of my life.
But, you know, what does that say about all the days I have left? Whoa.
We're such a Zoe.
Oh, Todd, glad you're here.
Hold this.
Todd, my jacket is on the floor.
You're supposed to hold the jacket so it doesn't go on the floor.
Hey, sorry, BoJack I mean, uh, Mr.
Peanutbutter.
But I work for Mr.
Peanutbutter now.
- I mean, uh, Mr.
Peanutbutter.
- Ugh.
I can't believe I'm on a movie set, you know? I mean, this is my first chance to work on something big since my rock opera fell apart.
Man, I really messed up that huge career opportunity all on my own, didn't I? Uh Nothing sabotaged me one bit.
Yep.
You said it.
Well, see you later.
Where can I grab a nosh? Oh, craft services is in the kitchen.
Up the driveway, through the living room, make a left.
- Can't miss it.
- I'm gonna grab a quick bite.
Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone.
Okay, fellas, here's the thing about the story.
I don't buy it.
It's like something's missing, but I can't put any of my fingers on it.
Um, maybe once we add the music The music? Are you kidding me? Music? You're fired.
What dumb shit brought this dumb shit? Okay, you're fired too.
Oh, okay.
Anyone else got any bright ideas? Oh, oh, oh, oh! Hey, maybe it make it more Diane-y? - Um, excuse me? - I don't know.
This is probably stupid, but the whole story's about how this guy's in love with this lady, right? But we don't even know who she is or what she wants.
I mean, maybe give her more lines or words or, I don't know, feelings or whatever? What? He's new.
He doesn't know the rules.
Forgive him, mighty Caesar.
Yes.
Yeah.
I love you.
Who is this kid? You're a genius.
- I'm gonna kiss your face.
- What? Oh! Come back to my web.
Let's talk about Diane's feelings and make this baby sing.
Hey, Todd, talk to him about the wardrobe, specifically the top half of the wardrobe, specifically the shirt part of the top half of the wardrobe, specifically the neck part of the shirt part of the wardrobe.
Ugh.
What now? I'm sick of this dog and pony show.
The movie is dumb.
Mr.
Peanutbutter is annoying the shit out of me, and there's too much honeydew in the fruit bowl.
Blech.
Honeydew is garbage fruit.
Also, why is BoJack being played by an old, nebbishy five-foot-tall bald guy? Is that how the world sees me? Oh, I see.
So I can play Vanya on 42nd Street, but I'm not a deft-enough talent to capture the essence of the elusive BoJack Horseman.
So sorry to offend you, sir.
I'm just glad my book's coming out soon so people will get an opportunity to see the real BoJack Horseman.
Oh, are you coming out with a book? You never mentioned it.
Plus, Todd's being super weird.
I think he's onto me.
Onto you in regards to what? Oh, right, I didn't tell you.
I sabotaged his rock opera by getting him readdicted to a video game because I didn't want him to move out.
Jesus Christ, BoJack.
Anyway, I think he knows and might be plotting to sabotage me back.
Why is it that 90% of our conversations these days revolve around plotting sabotages? Are you saying I should plot a countersabotage? No, no more plotting.
Just be a good soldier and do your job.
Nobody is out to get you.
Have you seen the new draft? They took it all off you and put it on me.
What? Apparently some dickweed named Todd decided I should be three-dimensional and you should have no lines.
Ugh.
Isn't this town sick of creating three-dimensional roles for women? This happens to me all the time! A.
O.
Scott is sick of talking about how brilliant I am.
Todd.
I guess what I've been saying for the last seven uninterrupted minutes is, how can I forgive my father if I can't forgive myself? True dat.
But none of that matters, because we bring out the best in each other.
I'm the chocolate, and you're Mr.
Peanutbutter! - True dat.
- Mwah! Cut! Amazing.
This is the movie that I wanted to make.
This is gonna be great.
- Oh, my God, I'm so - Ugh, what kind of idiot puts food on top of a hill? Hey, so I guess now that the movie's all about Diane, I really need to dig deep and get to know the real you.
So let's talk and talk and talk until I am you and you are nothing but a hollowed-out husk of your former self and every thought and every feeling you ever had belongs to me and me alone.
So do we like Sprite, or are we more of a 7-Up girl? Uh, that all sounds great.
But, you know, the person you should really be talking to is that guy.
- Yeah, okay, I'm done.
- Diane loves talking to him.
They have great rapport.
In fact, Diane could spend all day talking to him and never talk to me again.
Oh, I get it, because Diane doesn't talk to Diane.
- Diane talks to - Anybody else.
Hey, Todd, remember that time when you wouldn't clean up your shit? That was hilarious.
- We've had some good times.
- Oh.
Hi.
So I was thinking, I have some pretty sloppy seconds left over from P.
F.
Chang's in the fridge, and I don't think that I want it anymore.
Maybe tonight you could eat it.
Friendly gesture because we're friends.
- Uh - Oh-oh, there's my guy.
I heard you had a few more thoughts about the script.
I do.
I was just thinking, what if we made the BoJack character into a real shithead? - Is that really necessary? - I don't think it's necessary.
Yeah, let's Let's make him be a real selfish asshole so the audience has someone to root against.
You're probably right.
Let's take another swing at the script and give BoJack more to do.
Now, when you say, "Give BoJack more to do" Not now, Mr.
Peanutbutter.
And also, now that I'm thinking about it, why does the movie have to take place on Earth? You are blowing my head.
- I hope you like Oscars.
- Honeydew? More like, "Honey, do I enjoy eating it? Yes, I do.
" Right? Not right, and I would love to go through all the reasons why, but I've got bigger concerns right now.
- Honeydew, go on.
- Did you notice that the Mr.
Peanutbutter part has been cut in half? - What is happening to our movie? - I thought you hated the movie.
Yeah, I do, but if I'm gonna be in a dumb movie I hate that makes no sense, I should at least be the star of it.
Look, I agree that this movie has really lost its way.
I mean, first of all, why would Mr.
Peanutbutter wear a crew neck T-shirt? And second of all, uh It's just the shirt, isn't it? It doesn't make sense.
I'm a V-neck man.
A V you can put your sunglasses in.
Can you do that with a crew neck? Because I'd like to see you tr Whoa.
Bagel.
Thanks so much for running this scene with me.
I have so many lines to learn.
Yeah, well, most of my lines are, "True dat," but I guess it never hurts to practice.
The citizens of Planet D want their king back.
But I'm more concerned with getting my self-esteem back after being in the shadow of powerful men for so long.
True dat.
Is it just me, or is this movie kind of flying off the rails? Well, I don't want to overuse my catchphrase here, but true dat.
This is so typical.
I just wanted to do something light and fun to distract me from the deep well of sadness that is my life.
You probably wouldn't understand.
Oh, puh-lease.
I'm so deep down a well of sadness that Baby Jessica is like, "Damn.
" Shut up and kiss me, you miserable goof.
What? Oh.
Okay.
Mwah.
Pop this in a drawer.
Huh? This is good, baby.
Oh, this is amazing.
Naomi, I haven't felt like this since No, no, shh, shh, shh! Call me Diane.
Okay, got my bagel.
Now back to work.
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys! Wow, wow.
So you guys really hit it off, huh? That's awesome.
Want to do some hand stuff in the bathroom before we go down to set? You read my mind.
Now, kiss me some sour cream.
Hey, so I finished the book and sent the draft to the publishers.
What? My book is ready? Let me read it.
Can I read it? Call Pinky.
He'll probably send you a copy as soon as he's done with it.
All right! You hang tight, baby.
I got an instant classic to read.
Keep the engine running, though, because if I know me, this book is gonna give me a pretty big erection.
Okay, enjoy! Keep an open mind.
You'll love it.
It's a work in progress.
Hello.
Penguin Publishing.
Unless this is that loan shark, in which case, Johnny's House of Noodles.
May I interest you in our bento lunch box? Pinky, it's me.
Let me read the book.
Give me, give me, give me.
Okay, okay, now, I should warn you, it's not quite what we expected, but it is good.
I'm telling you, this could really sell.
I might actually get to see my kids again.
Great.
Send it over.
I'll read it right now.
All right, I sent it, but just remember To set my expectations sky-high? Way ahead of you.
All right, book, let's see what you got.
BoJack, this is you.
One Trick Pony? "The first time I met BoJack Horseman, he was puking cotton candy off the deck of his lavish house in the Hills, the lights of the city twinkling below us.
The Make-A-Wish kids will not soon forget the time the great BoJack Horseman referred to their parents as 'a bunch of used jizz bags.
' He filled the air with words, terrified of silence, as one often is who is smart enough to recognize his many personal failings but unwilling or unable to take the steps required to fix them.
Got out of the car, stepped out toward the coast, and looked across the water, and for a moment, he said nothing.
" What the shit was that? What the shit is this? It's a phone.
Well, a tiny computer, really.
I mean, amazing what technology can You were supposed to ghostwrite my memoir, but instead you wrote a story about how you spent six months with me and saw what a big, dumb loser I am.
Well, I realized that the best way to fully capture you, warts and all This isn't warts and all.
It's just warts.
Where's the all? I come off like a total asshole.
You come off as complex and deeply troubled but ultimately sympathetic.
You might be too close to see that.
There's an entire chapter about me eating apple fritters.
You did go through that fritter phase.
Is this book how you see me? That day we ran errands together, I thought that we had a really good time, but you just wrote about how I cried because the dry cleaner took my head shot down.
You were very emotional.
They didn't even replace me with anyone.
Now it's just a faded spot where my face used to be.
This will actually do wonders for your career.
Trust me.
I mean, you're just a dumb actor who doesn't know anything about books, right? What? Remember? From before? Oh, I don't think you understand what's happening here.
This is not a casual conversation between friends.
This is your boss telling his employee that she did a bad job.
- Try again.
- What? Start over, but do it right this time.
Nobody is ever gonna see this.
Ugh! Diane? Hey, Wayne, you still work for BuzzFeed? Um, yes.
'Cause I got something that's gonna get you a shit-ton of hearts or digs or smileys or whatever the hell you measure your journalism with.
Curses! My evil plan has been defeated, but I'll be back.
You haven't heard the last of Evil Emperor BoJackitron Horsemaniac.
Oh, no! You shot a laser at me! Oh, no! I'm dying.
Oh, no, I'm dead.
And so now that we've escaped the evil clutches of the emperor, I'm free to assume my natural form, an all-knowing floating orb of light? True dat.
Cut, cut.
Come on, guys, this is ridiculous.
Is this even a movie anymore? Oh, maybe it isn't a movie.
Yeah, maybe it's an immersive smartphone app or a 21st-century approach to Yeah, or maybe it's just, like, a feeling, you know? - We've got work to do.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, my God, this is so good.
- Oh, this is gonna be awesome.
Yes! Go, Todd.
Hello? Are you just gonna leave me like this? Anyone? Ah! Oh, good.
You're here.
Oh, hi, BoJack.
This whole day's been a shit show.
The book turned out to be a total hatchet job.
The movie's a disaster.
But thank God I have one good thing in my life, and that's you.
BoJack, I Please let me say this before I lose my nerve.
I spent 50 years roaming the countryside as a wild stallion, but I am tired of the rodeo, and I'm finally ready to saddle up.
BoJack I guess what I'm trying to say is, this mustang wants to rest his head in the comforts of your spacious barn.
Uh, what? I'm in love with you, Naomi.
BoJack, they fired me and replaced me with a ball on a stick.
I'm so sorry.
But look at the bright side.
Now you and I can just hang out and talk about feelings.
No, but you're not getting it.
Boys never get it.
BoJack, I was in character as Diane, and as Diane, we had a real connection.
But now that I'm off the movie, I'm Naomi again, and Naomi is not interested in BoJack Horseman.
In fact, she thinks he's kind of gross.
So I didn't fall in love with Naomi Watts? No.
You fell in love with Diane.
Naomi what? Good-bye, BoJack.
Ugh.
See? Nothing.
What's going on? Why are they packing up? Oh, glad you're here.
This is exciting.
Since we last talked, this film has gone through - so many permutations.
- So many.
First, we reimagined the whole film as an interactive social-media experience.
Those are the dumbest words I've ever heard.
I know.
So we realized it was actually more of a floating art installation, but that didn't feel right either.
We thought, is it a high-end perfume? A series of interrelated fortune cookies? A hat that if you turn it upside down, it's a boat? - No, it's none of those things.
- Exactly.
That's why we finally settled on this.
Voilà! What am I looking at? It is a bimonthly curated box of snacks.
I don't know what that means.
I know.
It's confusing.
Not the bimonthly that means twice a month, the bimonthly that means every other month, and each time it's a different box of snacks.
This is the future of cinema.
You guys, finally, my story has been told.
Okay, that's a wrap, everyone.
Thanks for making this box of snacks a reality.
Let's go home.
What the hell happened to the movie? Shit, there were snacks here the whole time? Not bad.
- Whoa! - Look, I get it.
You destroyed my big chance at a comeback as revenge for what I did to your rock opera.
Revenge? Oh, that would have been such a good idea.
Damn it, Todd! Look, I figured out what you did, but I've been trying to put it behind me and do my job.
So cutting my part down was not about revenge? No.
And making BoJack the villain of your movie was not a coded statement of your feelings about me? No.
Oh, okay, great.
Well, I'm I'm glad we buried the hatchet and everything's cool.
Uh, actually, you know, everything is not cool.
You ruined my rock opera by using character actress Margo Martindale to trick me into playing an addictive video game.
And saying it all together like that, it all sounds kind of ludicrous.
But still, it was something I cared about, and what you did really hurt me.
Oh.
Well, this feels shitty.
You sure you don't want to just get some revenge real quick thump me once in the stones and then we'll be even? I got to go.
I've got some artisanal popcorns to gauge the mouthfeel of.
- Hey, BoJack.
- Yeah? You want an apple fritter? Uh, sure.
Yeah, I bet you would.
I bet you'd like an apple fritter.
Yeah, an apple fritter would be great.
Why? What What What's happening here? "Five Shocking Facts From New BoJack Book"? No.
No! Um, everyone, please turn off your Internet.
It has gone bad.
I repeat, the Internet has gone foul.
- What a loser.
- I'm glad I'm not that guy.
Give me your phones.
I'm a celebrity.
You have to listen to me.
Look at his deep well of sadness.
It's hilarious.
Don't look at me.
I'm well-adjusted.
You all want my life.
Uh, what the hell? I know, I know.
But if you just listen for You posted your dumb little book on the Internet.
No, I just leaked the first couple chapters, and people are already talking about it.
This is wildly unprofessional.
Who do you think you are? I know you're mad, and you have every right to be, but you got to read some of these comments.
People love you.
And they're gonna love you even more when they read the rest of my book.
- Your book? - Our book.
Nobody is gonna read that book.
How do you still not get that? It is never going to be published.
BoJack, I stand by my work.
This is a really good book.
And if you just give it time, you'll see.
Maybe you're right.
Really? No.
You're fired.
Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the horse - BoJack BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know And I'm trying to hold on to my past It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'll just try And make you understand That I'm more horse than a man Or I'm more man than a horse BoJack