Brothers (2009) s01e10 Episode Script

Mornin', fellas.
Ready for my quarterly review.
Great.
We just want to go over some things we think you can improve on.
Yeah.
For instance, customer relations.
Remember when you hit the drunk guy Rodney in the head with a wine bottle? He tried to touch the goods.
Although, in fairness, you're not the first one to point out that I have anger issues.
All I can say is, I'm working on it.
Is she She workin' on it.
All right, the next thing we want to talk to you about is hitting up the customers about your baby's junior college fund.
It takes a village.
God knows the village took me.
Huh? Which reminds me, you boys have been lagging on your donations to little Axl.
Care to give? Ok.
Sure.
Anything else? Well, we'd like to talk to you about your attitude behind the bar.
My attitude? At least I have attitude.
My bar rag has more personality than you.
You know, she's right, Mike.
I've been meaning to bring that up in your quarterly review.
I'm just focused on getting the drinks right.
Well, the customers don't care.
Make it strong, can't go wrong.
That's my motto.
And another thing Sometimes when we're busy, you get that "deer caught in the headlights" kind of look.
Which I'm familiar with from the number of deer I've run down with my pickup.
I call it truck-hunting.
Which reminds me, chill, you've got to push the venison.
It don't keep forever.
And I did pick most of the headlight out of it.
And, Mike, I'm gonna give you a "c" for effort.
I think you need to work on your people skills.
Ok, I will.
And, chill, I'm giving you a b-minus.
It was gonna be a "c" but I figure you're handicapped.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
But I know you can do better, if you apply yourself.
Let's meet back here in 3 months and see if we've made any progress.
"C" is the best grade I ever got.
And she's right.
I think I can do better if I apply myself.
I think I can get an "a.
" What just happened? Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Hey, that's right where I was sweeping, man.
I'm giving you something to sweep.
You could just say thank you.
Hey.
Great news.
My brother Maurice is coming to visit us for a few days.
Did he escape from prison? No, kenny got him released.
Did you say Maurice was coming to visit? He's coming to visit us? Yeah.
Yeah.
Was I unconscious when you consulted me about this? Yeah.
Uncle Maurice is a little scary.
He's a man of few words.
Yeah, and the 2 words he likes to use most often are "not guilty.
" If you think he's coming to stay here, you got another think coming.
Where else is he gonna go, Adele? He's my brother.
He's a criminal.
He paid his debt to society.
And the check probably bounced.
And if kenny got that thief off, now, you know there's something fishy about it.
Come on, Adele, he's only gonna be here for a couple days.
He's not staying in the guest house with me.
I don't want him around my stuff.
He sure ain't staying upstairs with me.
The man is weird, he don't speak, and he give me the heebie-jeebies.
You're all overreacting.
He's stay in coach world, he'll sleep on the couch.
You better nail it to the floor.
Is this that important, marcel? Well, yeah, it is, baby.
When I was young, he looked out for me.
Now, this is payback.
It's the Trainor way.
All right.
But if anything goes missing Don't worry.
He'll be on his best behavior.
I promise.
I'm glad you got that faith in him.
I'm gonna go hide my jewelry.
Hey, mama, here.
You can hide mine, too.
Here.
Mine, too.
Oh, hell.
Mine, too.
Excuse me, chill.
Well, hello there.
Hello.
The word albacore is spelled incorrectly on this menu.
As is the word menu.
Jolene! You are off menu duty.
I'm a lover, not a speller.
Thank you, Kathleen.
You're welcome.
Hey, man, who's she? Oh.
She's the waitress I hired yesterday.
She's studying for her ph.
D.
Which means she's too smart for you.
Oh, please, man, smart girls love me.
How do you think I got through college? I gave cramming for finals a whole new definition.
Yeah.
You only still got a 2.
0.
Ha! I bet you 10 bucks you couldn't get her.
Oh, that's too easy.
Look, I'll give you a week.
Oh, man, I'll go introduce myself right now.
Um, we haven't met.
I'm Michael Trainor.
That's me on the wall.
I know.
So I hear you're working on your ph.
D.
That's right.
What's your major? Women's studies.
Oh.
Wow, we have a lot in common.
I study women, too.
I bet you think that's charming, don't you? Damn right I do.
It's not.
Well, that's gonna be the quickest $10 I ever got from you.
Oh, please.
This is gonna be so easy.
Somebody call me? Jolene, he said easy.
He didn't say cheap and easy.
Oh.
My bad.
Check.
You in trouble, Mike.
You in trou-ble.
Ah.
Bishop to block.
Oh-oh, watch out, here it comes.
You better duck and cover, baby.
Let's try this on for size.
Chiz-eck miz-ate! And I remain undefeated, as one would expect when dealing with a superior intellect.
You just got lucky.
I got lucky enough to receive $20 and not break bread or fake dead.
There you go.
Stripper money.
Every time I see you, I lose something.
Last time it was my car.
And, oh, how sweet she rides.
Hey, kenny, let me ask you something.
How come Uncle Maurice ain't staying with you when he get home from the joint? Well, ironically, even though I'm his lawyer, we're not allowed to cohabitate, because of alleged felonious behavior in my previous life.
Have you ever heard him speak? Are you kidding? When that man got a phone to his ear behind that glass, he is a motor-mouth.
I've never heard him say any more than "mm-hmm.
" To be honest with you, I don't even know what his voice sounds like.
See, that's deliberate.
One less way to be identified.
He even shaved off his fingerprints.
Well, when is he gonna get here? Actually, I go pick him up tomorrow, in your former sweet ride.
Mm.
He's gonna be impressed with me.
See, 'cause the last time he got picked up, he was in the back of a cop car.
K-9 unit.
Kenneth Lydell Trainor.
Hello, auntie.
You look especially lovely this evening.
Don't try that sweet talk with me.
Last time you were here my earrings went missing.
And now they're found.
You know, when I seen 'em last time, I seen that they were in a state of disrepair.
So I took it upon myself to take them to my personal gemologist.
I had 'em ripped, flipped, dipped, cleaned, and remounted, for your pleasure.
Mm-hmm.
Well, if you don't mind, I'll take my leave.
Better be all you take.
Look, auntie, don't stress.
Be like me.
Be high on life.
Mm-mmm.
That don't smell like life.
Aah! Aah! Maurice? You scared the living daylights out of me! How did you get into the house? We had the alarm on.
Now, look, Maurice, since you're here, I feel the need to be candid with you.
I didn't want you staying here.
Over the years, you have betrayed our trust time and time again, and the only reason I agreed to this is because I love my husband and he has an allegiance to you.
So you're not gonna let us down, are you? So, what are your plans now that you're out? Well, have you learned a vocation? Is there something that you want to be? Is there something that you want to become? Mm-hmm.
Oh! What is it? Motivational speaker.
Really? Wouldn't that require talking a little more? Mm-hmm.
Gotcha.
He is here and I want him gone.
Who's here? The jailbird of happiness.
Yes.
Maurice? He bypassed the alarm, went straight to the kitchen and started cooking.
Oh, well, that's great, baby.
Have you tried his biscuits? MarcelFocus.
Your brother broke into our house when he didn't have to.
But he was just trying to be considerate, baby.
He didn't want to bother us.
Well, he's bothering me.
All right.
We gotta make some allowances for him, Adele.
He's spent most of his life in prison.
Ok, marcel.
But you're gonna be in solitary if he's not gone soon.
I just created a new dessert.
Tell me how much you like it.
What is it? All you need to know is that I made it.
It's fantastic.
What's in this? Apples, cinnamon, and 3 pounds of butter.
Well, that can't be good for you.
Then you'll leave a happy corpse.
Bon appetit! Why, I'd gnaw her like a piece of gristle.
Have you talked to mom today? I'm telling you, man, she's upset.
Do you blame her? There's a criminal in our house.
He's not that bad.
Dude, he had his own week on "cops.
" Maurice week.
You have to look at the upside.
Mike, what's the upside? He'll keep the other criminals out.
It's like buying a lion to get rid of a Wolverine.
Mike, when have you ever had a Wolverine problem? See you tomorrow.
Hey, why don't I see you tonight? Because I have a date.
With who? It's none of your business.
But if you must know, his name is Walter and he's a neurosurgeon.
Oh.
But can he do this? No.
He cannot make his breasts dance.
But he's a wonderful conversationalist and a fantastic pianist.
Well, I don't like to brag, but It means he plays the piano.
Hello, Kathleen.
You look lovely.
Hello, Walter.
Mwah! This is Mike Trainor, my boss.
Oh.
Nice to meet you.
Well, sort of.
I'm an eagles fan, so you've given me quite a few headaches over the years, but I've always enjoyed watching you play.
Thank you, Walter.
You're not from Texas, are you? This is my other boss, chill.
And, no, Walter's from england.
The pleasure's all mine.
Pip pip.
Gladys knight.
Well, nice to meet you, Walter.
Oh.
Oh, sorry, can't.
Surgeon's hands.
Well, how about a beer? Oh, I'd like several, but I have a rather delicate operation scheduled in the morning, and I can't have my patients going around like Blah, blah, blah.
Bad for business.
You know.
Unless you've got a pimm's cup.
They have a tendency to sharpen the senses, what? Walter, we don't have time.
We're attending the opera and we don't want to miss the opening aria.
Oh, yeah.
I hate when that happens.
Come on, hon.
Well, nice to meet you.
Ta-ta.
Blimey! That bloke is pluckin' your bird.
I don't know what everybody's so upset about! He hasn't caused one single problem.
Man, I'm afraid to go to sleep.
Last night I woke up.
He was in the backyard walking in circles.
He's just exercising in a confined space.
I caught him taking a nap in the elevator.
Oh, sure! It's the closest thing to a prison cell.
He's a strange man.
But come on.
We gotta give him the benefit of the doubt.
All right.
We're family.
The majority rules.
What do you want me to do? I think we'd all be more comfortable if he went to a hotel or something.
I don't know how to say that to my brother.
There's nothing to it, dad.
Just man up and say Hi, Uncle Maurice.
Oh, hi, Maurice.
How you doing, Maurice? Hey, bro.
Look great, man.
I liked that breakfast yesterday.
That was good! That's a bad jacket you got on! Yeah, man.
I like that cologne, man.
Love those glasses on you, Uncle Maurice.
And I'm supposed to I want him out of here Hey, hey, hey.
He might be able to still hear us.
All right.
I'll go talk to him.
I know it's hard, honey.
But I think it's for the best.
I hear you.
Coach.
What? Watch yourself! He'll steal the shine off your head.
You don't have the tv on.
Mm-hmm.
Want me to turn it on for you? Uh-uh.
Well, listen, Maurice.
I was wondering, how long are you planning on staying? Mm-hmm.
More than a day? Mm-hmm.
Less than a week? Let's be honest.
People get nervous around you.
Mm-hmm.
Adel's uncomfortable.
Mm-hmm.
You know her, man.
She likes things a certain way.
Ha! Hey, that's my wife you're talking about.
Bottom line is, I love you, man.
And if it was up to me, you can stay here forever.
But it's not, so you can't.
I'll do anything for you Money, anything at all.
Whatever you need.
I knew you'd say that.
Well, it's been really nice having this conversation with you.
Something.
I know! How'd it go? He said he understands how everyone feels.
He's sorry for the inconvenience, he didn't mean to make anybody uncomfortable.
And he loves your hair this way, adel.
He said all that? Mm-hmm.
Is he like that cartoon frog that talks when no one else is looking? Hey, coach.
If he got a gun pointed to you right now, blink once for "yes" and twice for "no.
" No.
Did he say anything about leaving? Not in so many words.
Then I will.
Either he goes or I go.
And I'm not going.
My dad called me last night.
How'd you know it was him? Man, he wouldn't shut up talking about how he enjoys staying at your place and how he just loves adel's new hairstyle.
He said the same thing to me.
Apparently he has a new lady friend.
Or 2.
I'd love to hear his pickup line.
Must be better than yours.
What? You having women problems? Not enough or too many? Not the one I want.
You can't crack that?! Are you sure we're related? I'm telling you, she's tough, man.
Slide to the side, nephew.
And let me investigate the situation.
Ahem.
Ahem.
Man, she's a lesbian.
Hey.
That's Jimmy Johnson.
You know him, don't you, Mike? Yeah.
I've hated him for years.
Hey, Jimmy! Good to see you, man! Come on over! Only if you're buying.
Oh, come on, Jimmy! Of course I'm buying.
Cheap bastard.
Hey, coach.
I'm coach.
You read the paper about that sissy quarterback? He sprained his pinky.
You know, he missed the rest of the game.
Mike, can you imagine doing anything like that? Never, coach.
Man, I once played in a game.
My helmet split in half.
I finished the game, had 3 sacks and 3 concussions.
That's football.
Football, yeah.
Hell, once I had a defensive endHis eye popped out of the socket during the play.
I stuck that sucker back in, kicked him in the ass, sent him back on the field.
Now, that's football.
Football! That ain't nothing.
I once played a game my senior year, it was raining so hard, I had to swim to the goal line.
Not only did I score a touchdown, I got bit by a shark, kicked his ass, and played the whole second half in a tourniquet.
Now, that's football.
Football! Football! I got one even better than that, man.
I once coached a bunch of juvenile delinquents that was incarcerated in a snowy game.
I'm talking about this weather was like 2 degrees below zero.
So, the quarterback, his arm got froze, it shattered.
So, I pulled him to the side.
I said come here, check this out.
You're gonna learn to throw that ball left handed.
Get your ass on the field.
Now, that's football.
Football! Whoa.
Whoa.
I can do you one better than that.
I was coaching this game once.
It was 120 degrees, so damn hot my halfback burst into flames.
What'd you do? Well, I dosed him with some ice water, pushed his ass back on the field.
He gained 400 yards and we buried him in the end zone! That's football! Coach, you lie.
You lying, man! All right, I'm lying, but to football! To football! I keep thinking he's going to pop out from behind something.
What's that? Oh, look at this.
It's an angel.
It's carved out of soap.
My $200 bar of French soap.
You better not get it wet.
Hey, I think Uncle Maurice is gone.
The sleeping bag is not in the elevator.
Well, there's a note here.
Read it.
Perfect.
What's it say? Nothing.
Go, Mike! You got him, Mike! You got him! Yeah, get him, Mike! Get him! Come on! Come on, man! Go on! Go on! Check mate! Yes! Yes! I finally win one.
Give it up, kenny.
Give it up.
I must say.
You did do that fair and square.
So, I will return your wheels.
I hope you don't mind the minor alterations I did.
Alterations? Alterations? I'm gonna get you! Ooh, 2 more hours and I win that bet.
Mike can't score with capaline.
I know how you can quadruple that money.
How? Bet him he can sleep with me.
I pay out like a slot machine.
Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching! That is disturbing.
A slot machine where you win babies.
Pull my arm down.
I'll tell you, adel, you are looking younger every day.
You look like you could be your own younger sister.
Oh, stop it, kenny! How much younger? Have you spoken to your father? Actually I did.
He's dating a woman who's had a positive effect on him.
They're not married.
They don't see each other often.
It's kind of early in the relationship.
She sounds nice.
Oh, it's serious.
Is she deaf? No, actually she's cool, auntie.
They're planning on moving to Guadalajara and starting a turquoise belt buckle gallery.
That's one of the trades pops learned in prison.
You don't say.
Oh, indeed I do.
What can I do for you? Not a thing.
I quit.
Oh, so you can spend more time with me.
No.
I found my soul mate.
Ahh.
There he is.
He's so hardcore.
Soulmate?! I think she meant cellmate.
Pay me.
See my lesson was, I was trying to snap And send her.
Yeah.
Snoop, you gotta reel 'em in.
You gotta snap, snap, and reel 'em in.
Ok.
So, snap, snap.
.
Reel 'em in! Ok.
Don't send 'em! You gotta reel 'em.
Ok.
Don't send 'em, save 'em.
Yeah.
I gotcha! I like that.
Y'all ready? On 3.
1, 2, 3.
Snap, snap.
Reel 'em in.