Call Your Mother (2021) s01e10 Episode Script

1
- Ooh, don't mind if I do.
- [Chuckles]
- Mm!
- Oh.
Ugh! This is just orange juice.
Why put it in a champagne flute?
That's just mean.
Don't worry.
The kids are out buying the champagne.
You're going home soon.
We have to celebrate every day.
I know. That's why
we should blow it out.
Ooh. Let's go to Vegas this weekend.
- Oh, my God. I'd kill to go to Vegas.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I've been dying
to go to M&M World.
But I can't jet off to Vegas.
I've got children to raise.
And where are those children right now?
- At the liquor store.
- Mm.
Okay. But I came out here
to take care of them.
They need me.
Well, they don't need you this weekend.
I do. I'm in my 50s!
I can't suck tequila shooters
out of a Chippendale's
belly button alone.
That would look sad.
They let you do that?
I don't know if they let me,
but I'm gonna!
[Laughs] It does sound fun.
Maybe too fun for a mom?
Oh, Jean.
This is the only time
we get to have fun.
We're done raising our kids,
our parents don't need us yet,
and we're still young enough
to get our freak on!
This is our sweet spot!
Do you have any Dr. Scholl's foot pads?
'Cause I hear there's a lot of walking.
You know what? You're right.
If not now, when?
It's off-season at work.
The kids seem stable for the moment.
My parents are on a cruise.
I think I'm in!
Oh! Can we go see Barry Manilow?
No, but we can meet up after.
[Sighs] Sorry we took so long,
but you'll never guess who we ran into.
Nick Harper, from high school.
Oh, yeah. Nick.
Isn't he the one
you had a crush on, Jackie?
What? No.
God, Mom. Way to be cool.
Yeah. Well, Freddie
has a crush on him now.
I do not.
He said hi to you, and you said,
"I miss you, too."
- Well, what's Nick up to these days?
- Oh, he's amazing.
He moved out here a few years ago.
He made it big on some app
that lets you hire celebrity
look-alikes for parties.
Oh. Twinsies.
That's how I got LL Cool J
at my birthday party.
Well, LL Cool K.
Well, some tech company
bought it, he cashed out,
and now he just spends his time
doing charity work.
And since I have nothing in my life,
I had to lie and tell him
I was on "Top Chef."
I finished third last season.
Well, if you had to lie,
why did you finish third?
I would have won. It's all political.
How about a toast?
To reconnecting with old friends,
to having friends visit,
and to me going to Vegas.
- Sharon and I are going to Vegas!
- Ooh.
No, it's okay. There's booze in it.
I wouldn't trick you
into drinking just juice.
Oh, no. I'm not really supposed
to be doing alcohol right now.
- Oh. We have coffee.
- No caffeine either.
No, I'm good. Keep brunching.
Yes, everyone. Help yourself.
Sharon, can I see you for a minute?
[Whispering] Sharon.
No alcohol?
Or caffeine?
She's wearing a flowy top.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Mm-hmm.
That they should've bought more
than one bottle of champagne.
No. I think Celia's pregnant.
♪
♪
Are you sure? She doesn't look pregnant.
Mom, I need to "Top Chef" my Instagram
so Nick doesn't know I'm a liar.
Get a quick picture of me by the oven.
Make sure you get the good side
of my butt.
Honey, that's the dishwasher.
Who cares? Take a picture of her butt.
Here you go.
- Hey, Mom?
- Yeah.
Can you hand me some
Nick Harper Butter!
Stupid.
I know your secret.
I don't have a crush on him!
[Whispering] No!
I'm talking about the baby.
[Gasps] Ooh. There's a baby?
Whose baby?
Oh, no. I spoiled the surprise.
What? What surprise?
What are you talking about?
I know Celia's pregnant!
I am?
This is what you look like pregnant?
Another win for Jackie.
Why didn't you tell me
you're having a baby?
Because I'm not.
But I noticed you not drinking
any alcohol or caffeine.
Yeah. I'm on a cleanse.
The only thing in my stomach
is lemon juice,
maple syrup, and cayenne.
I'm nauseous and lightheaded,
but look how white my eyeballs are.
I'm on a champagne cleanse.
Actually, I'm on a champagne,
muffin, and bacon cleanse.
Actually, no.
I'm just having a drunk brunch.
Honestly, you guys.
It's probably for the best.
You're too young to be having
kids right now anyway.
Oh, we're not having kids.
- Yet.
- Never.
Never until it's time.
No. Never until never.
We've talked about it.
The world has way too many
people, and kids tie you down.
One of us would have to give up
their career.
Just having kids changes
your whole life.
But having kids changes your whole life.
Yeah. That's also a good point.
You guys may think you know
what having kids is,
but until you do it
- the love you get
- Mm-hmm.
the sense of purpose you get.
What could be as fulfilling
as the moment
when you first become a parent?
- [Cellphone chimes]
- [Gasps]
Nick Harper just started following me.
My Nick Harper?
Okay. Maybe I do have a crush on him.
I need something to wear to Vegas.
All my clothes scream "Mom."
And some of them cry "widow."
Take whatever you want.
Oh, what's wrong, honey?
Freddie and Celia have everything.
They have jobs. They have each other.
They even have the option
of having kids.
They just don't want to.
Oh, don't let that upset you.
They're young.
They don't know what they want.
They'll change their minds.
I'm not worried about them.
I'm worried about me.
I have nothing,
and none of that stuff
is ever gonna happen for me.
Oh, of course it will.
Enjoy your freedom while you can, honey.
There's only a few times in life
when women get to live for themselves.
Her 20s, her 50s, and then
when all the men are dead.
What do you think?
Does that make me look like
I sleep around?
That's why I bought it.
♪
[Sighs] Celia.
May I please speak to you
at your earliest?
Why are you talking to me
like I'm about to be fired?
What's this?
Oh, my God! Where did you get that?
- From right in here.
- Freddie!
[Groans] It's no big deal!
You just You found my baby stash.
It's a thing.
Baby stash? That's not a thing.
Unless you're talking about
a super-small mustache,
in which case, those are
the perfect words for that.
No, it's just sometimes
when I see cute baby stuff,
I buy it and I save it,
because, you know,
the world of baby fashion moves fast.
I thought that we agreed
that we weren't having kids.
Are you squirreling all this away
'cause you actually want a baby?
I don't know why I'm squirreling.
I-I guess you just never know, you know?
I mean, it's impossible to say
how you'll feel in 10 years.
Okay, 10 years ago, you were 13.
Did 13-year-old you know
that you wanted a serious
live-in girlfriend?
Yeah. 13-year-old me saw
an underboob at a baseball game
and very much wanted that lady
to come live with him.
People change how they feel
about things with time.
It's normal.
And also,
we had the no-kids conversation
on our fourth date,
and I really don't think
agreements made at Buca di Beppo
should be legally binding.
We said no babies. No takebacks.
Okay. [Scoffs] You know what?
I'm sorry I even thought
it was a possibility.
Clearly, we could never have
a baby, because you are a baby.
Okay. Well, you're the one
with the baby stash.
You can't even grow a baby stash.
Hey! You know I'm sensitive
about my facial hair.
What facial hair?
[Gasps]
[Laughing]
Hey, uh, one of my clients said
that some women out here
called him "sugar buns"
and asked him to sit on her lap.
[Laughing] No. It was "sugar shorts."
And I asked to sit on his lap.
I see. Uh.
You look amazing
and slightly overdressed
for backyard day-drinking.
I'm not wearing a bra.
Ha-ho!
Lucky dress.
So, what's happening out here?
We're practicing for our trip to Vegas.
Practicing?
Yeah, Danny. Vegas is a marathon.
You don't just run a marathon.
You train for it.
Speaking of which, I need more training.
On it.
May I interest you in a Bloody Mary?
Uh, no, thanks. It's Wednesday.
I have a job.
You know, responsibilities.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot about responsibilities.
'Cause I don't have any!
[Laughs] I'm in my sweet spot!
Got to enjoy life while I can,
because it's short.
Yeah. I get it.
I'm actually feeling that myself.
I've got a birthday coming up,
so I can't say
I'm in my early 40s anymore.
- Oh, yeah. Me neither.
- [Chuckles]
High five to leaving
our early 40s for our mid-50s.
[Laughs] Well, I'm 43.
No. We're the same age.
You've got a daughter in college!
Yeah. We were pregnant when I was 25.
[Gasps]
You're really 43?
[Whispering] Oh, my God.
I'm not in my sweet spot.
- I'm old!
- You're not old, Jean.
You're drinking Bloody Marys
on a Wednesday.
Yeah. And they gave me acid reflux.
You are young. You are beautiful.
And you are definitely
in your sweet spot.
[Sighs]
Oh, good. You're here.
Guess what. I've decided
I'm gonna have a baby.
You're gonna be a grandma! [Laughs]
I need to talk to my daughter
about her baby,
but we're gonna continue
this conversation.
43! How could you do this to me?
Sharon!
I thought you were coming inside
for refills!
[Gasps] I was.
I guess I'm not used to
midweek day-drinking.
I just needed a little disco nap.
Um I'm gonna go close my eyes
for a few more minutes.
Don't let me sleep till tomorrow.
Sharon, how old do you think Danny is?
I don't know. 43?
Go to bed. You're drunk.
[Sighs] Okay.
Let's get back to you having a baby.
Everything you said at brunch
about what having kids brings you
is what I feel like I'm missing.
- I need a baby.
- Oh, honey.
I know you're gonna make
an amazing mother someday.
But once you are a mother,
you won't be in your sweet spot anymore.
You'll have huge responsibilities.
Don't you want to enjoy this time?
But I'm not enjoying this time.
Well, how are you gonna do it?
You don't even have a boyfriend.
I mean, you never even leave the house
unless it's to come to my house.
It's 2021, Mom. Men are optional.
And I have a plan.
I already know the perfect donor.
Brilliant, funny, handsome
Nick Harper.
It was fate that we ran into each other
after all these years,
because I need his brilliant,
funny, handsome sperm.
What are you gonna do, trick him?
Because that'll backfire.
Ask your Aunt Kim.
Better yet, ask your cousin Misty.
No. I'm gonna ask him.
Besides, it's really not a big deal.
I'm taking charge of my life.
I feel good for the first time
in a really long time.
I have a goal.
I have a purpose. I have a reason
SHARON: I have a headache!
Keep it down!
♪
[Sighs]
[Sighs]
Okay.
Well, if we're not gonna talk,
I'm just gonna play the new "Outriders."
Ugh.
Okay.
Hey! That was the last coconut one!
Five-second rule.
Monster.
♪
[Keys jingling]
How'd everything go with Jackie?
I don't know.
I'm not sure how I feel
about her having a baby,
but this is the first thing
Jackie's been excited about
for a while, and I want to support her.
And who am I kidding?
I'm certainly old enough
to be a grandma.
You're not still thinking about
the age thing between us, are you?
It doesn't freak you out?
Caterpillars freak me out.
Confident squirrels freak me out.
The effects of socioeconomic status
on the availability of mental
healthcare freaks me out.
But our age difference
definitely doesn't freak me out.
But then, I've known about it all along.
You have?
Is it my elbows? My neck?
The way I hold the newspaper
when I read it?
The fact that I read the newspaper?
Jean, you gave me a copy
of your driver's license
- when you rented the guesthouse.
- [Sighs]
Oh, come on, Danny.
On some level, it must bother
you that I'm so much older.
It doesn't bother me at all.
And why should it?
You're hot, and looks are the
only thing that matter, right?
You joke,
but I was married with children
before you were even born.
Jean, you are good at so many things,
but math is not one of them.
I'm trying not to care,
but so much has changed in a day.
Jean, nothing has changed
except your blood alcohol level.
Hey, Mom. Can I stay with you?
Celia's really mad at me.
Oh, of course, sweetie.
Ooh.
Why are you dressed like Aunt Kim
when she brings cookies
to the fire station?
[Exhales deeply]
I hope this doesn't cramp
your style, Mom.
Just crashing here for a few days.
Celia's really mad at me.
I thought it was best
to give her her space.
We got into it
because she changed her mind
about having a baby.
Now I talked two people
into having a baby?
I should give a TED Talk.
Okay. Well,
we're not having a baby, so
We'll discuss.
Let me just get out of this silly dress.
Oh, you wouldn't believe
how much sequins itch
when you're not wearing a bra.
- Ugh. Mom.
- Calm down.
I'm wearing underpants. Wait. No.
Mom!
Hey, Mom.
What are you doing here?
No way. [Chuckles]
Nick Harper, in my mom's house.
Hey, man. Good to see you again.
Really? You mean that?
I feel the same way, man.
Okay. Um, Mom, this is Nick.
Oh, Nick. Yeah. As in Nick.
- Nick.
- Mm.
I was worried I would forget my name,
but you guys saved the day.
- Nice to see you again, Mrs. Raines.
- Mm.
- It's been too long.
- Oh.
- Um, can I grab you for a minute?
- Oh.
Hang here with Freddie. Don't be weird.
I'm not gonna be weird.
You're the weird.
[Chuckles]
- Thought they'd never leave. [Chuckles]
- [Chuckles]
My mom's not wearing underwear.
Okay.
Stupid.
So, he looks great, right?
And all his grandparents
are still alive,
and they have low cholesterol.
One aunt did die young,
but fortunately, she was hit by a train.
Well, he is very handsome,
and he has a nice, long neck.
Your father's side of the family
has very short necks.
It'd be good to breed that out
of the line.
So are you in?
I don't know. I mean, is he in?
Right. Well, I haven't exactly
asked him yet.
We mostly talked about dead relatives.
Ah.
Oh. Hey.
I think I overdid it
in practice, so new plan
I'm gonna go to sleep till tomorrow.
[Sighs]
Can I ask you a question?
Am I gonna be able to stop you?
[Laughs] Classic Nick.
So, I heard that you followed
Jackie back right away,
but you still haven't followed me.
Are we okay?
Yeah, man. I'll follow you.
Great. Now?
[Exhales deeply]
What's your first name again?
- I just know you as Jackie's brother.
- [Door opens]
You're trying to make me
jealous, aren't you, Nick?
Oh, God. What are you doing?
W-What are you doing here?
I came to bring you home.
Does this mean that you're not mad?
Oh, I'm really mad.
Like yell-at-you-in-Spanish mad.
I'm mad because of our fight,
I'm mad because you ran to your mother,
and I'm mad at whatever
you're doing to this poor man.
I'm Nick. We met at the liquor store.
Yeah. We all know who you are, Nick.
Then why do you want me to come home?
Freddie, we're gonna have
a lot of fights.
You can't just run away.
That's not how this works.
How does it work?
You stay in it. You work it out.
You know that eventually
everything's gonna be okay
because we're in this forever.
Aww.
Unh. We're fighting. ¿Qué te pasa?
Women, right? [Chuckles]
I'm sorry.
[Door closes]
Oh. What happened to Freddie?
Celia came and got him.
- I hope he wasn't too weird.
- He was.
Um, hey, Nick, why don't you sit down?
There's something
I want to talk to you about.
Oh. It's happening now?
I don't think you should just come out
and ask somebody something like this.
Something like what?
Nick, I have a proposition for you.
I definitely don't think you
should do this in front of me.
- What's she doing?
- Okay. Settle down.
It's not like I'm asking him
to marry me.
Jackie! I have to stop you.
I want to support you,
but I think you're doing this
- for the wrong reasons.
- Doing what?
I'm looking for purpose in my life.
If I do it this way,
I have complete control
- and I can't get hurt again.
- Oh, honey.
You think a kid's not gonna hurt you?
Hi! Sorry.
I'm really trying to ride this wave,
but from what I gather,
I'm either about to get seduced
or murdered.
Nick, c-could you wait outside
for a bit?
Damn. Sounds like murder.
Honey. Your plan isn't gonna work.
You can't stop living your life
just because you got hurt.
You know, after your dad died,
I was devastated.
I stopped living my life, and I
poured everything into you kids.
I know that you've been hurt by Andy,
but I don't want you
to shut it all down, too.
But I'm not shutting it down.
I'm having a baby.
But having a baby does shut it down.
It's wonderful
because it starts a new life,
but you haven't even begun
to live the one you have now.
How about instead of asking
for Nick's
seed you ask him on a date?
Because if I ask him on a date,
he could leave me
in three years, take my car,
and I'll be right where I am now.
Or not.
Or you stay together.
Or you go on two dates and hate
the way he chews his popcorn.
Or you love the way
he chews his popcorn,
and he still leaves you.
Is this supposed to boost me up?
My point is, you can't stop it.
You can't control it.
You just have to live your life.
Yeah, but what if
Yes. Exactly, honey.
What if?
♪
You're still here.
Yeah. I wasn't really sure what to do.
I mean, I'm getting
a lot of mixed signals
and a very clear signal
from your brother.
Do you want to go out with me?
Yes.
But I thought we were already on a date.
Is this not what this was?
Oh. Yeah. Yes.
- Of course.
- You're very cute.
You know, I always had a crush
on you in high school.
I did not know that. [Chuckles]
You want to tell me
what was going on in there?
Let's just stick with you having
a crush on me in high school.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Hi. Just wanted to see you off.
And, uh, thought maybe you could
put $20 on black for me.
You know, if you're feeling lucky.
Oh. Pretty lucky. Just made 20 bucks.
[Snaps fingers] Damn.
- Uh, Danny, wait.
- That's all the cash I have, Jean.
I-I've been doing the math on us.
And you turn 44 in a couple of weeks,
and I have almost an entire year
before my next birthday,
so if you really think about it,
i-it's not that huge a gap.
It's still basically an entire decade.
You have to really think about it.
Oh, yes. I mean, yes.
Sorry. You're rationalizing.
I didn't realize that.
Now I do. Continue.
Yeah. Well, we'll chalk it up
to your youthful naiveté.
Okay. Well, I'll follow
your lead, since you're so
No, there's no sexy end
to that sentence.
- I-I'm sorry I freaked.
- Oh.
I-I can handle it.
I think it'll be kind of neat.
I haven't kissed a guy in
his 40s since I was in my 20s.
Okay. Well, have fun.
Uh, not too much fun.
I guess by that,
I just mean act your age.
Or at least act my age.
[Australian accent] Danny! Danny!
We lost our keys, mate!
[Laughs]
Oh, my God. Are you drunk?
You smelled that, huh? Yeah, she is.
No! I'm pretty.
She's been super confident
since some guy on the Strip
thought she was prostitute.
He told me I should be on a flier.
Has she been like this all weekend?
No, no. She started out like her.
She dragged us to the Neon Museum
and the Car Museum and the Wax Museum
I met Barry Manilow.
He's so quiet,
and he smells like a candle.
Oh.
Then I got her to drink
a yard of margaritas,
and, well, here we are.
She's this,
and I've been playing
panty police all weekend.
She even got us thrown out of M&M World.
Are those things related?
I asked the yellow one
to show me his nuts.
That was a security guard, Jean.
Ah. My sweet spot!
Oh, wait. This isn't my house!
Yes, it is.