Captain Fall (2023) s01e10 Episode Script

1
Agent Steel. So good to see you!
Becker, you old bastard.
Come in! Come in.
- Whiskey?
- Eh Y
Yes, that is exactly what I want.
Whiskey. Perfect.
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
Good stuff. Real quenching.
It was good to hear from you.
- It must be what, 15 years?
- Twenty.
What? Time flies.
What are you up to this time?
Well, I'm on a mission.
An off-the-books kind of mission.
So secret, I'm only one
who knows about it.
Oh!
That is very secret. Come with me.
I've got some new toys
for you to play with.
So I got your list.
I think I have everything you requested
and more.
Well, good. I didn't manage
to bring any equipment,
so I'm really
counting on you here, Becker.
First I have this for you.
Forget the old typewriter.
With this beauty,
everything is powered with electricity.
Only 16 pounds,
built-in speaker, adjustable volume.
Uh Adjustable?
So you're not stuck
on real loud or real low? Uh, good.
And you want to make a call without
the hassle of finding a phone booth?
Well, watch carefully.
Practical. Also eliminates
the need for pocket change.
Exactly. Pretty neat.
Now, do pay attention please.
Want to know what this little baby can do?
Takes photos. It's a camera.
Not bad, Steel. How about this pen?
- Seems regular to you. Right?
- Sure does.
Would you say
it looks like an everyday pen?
Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
- Laser!
- Oh.
Ask me to point at something.
Anything in here. Take your pick.
- Uh The floor.
- There! Look at it go!
Pretty neat, eh?
Yeah. Very, actually. Very neat.
Now, over to the fun stuff.
Here's everything you'll ever need
for your mission.
Pick and choose.
Ah, Becker, I was countin' on you here.
I didn't bring anything on this mission.
I don't even have my iPhone.
Jesus Christ, and that suit.
I'm going to look like Sherlock Holmes.
How old are you now, Becker?
Fifteen, but I'll be 16 next month,
and on my sweet 16,
I'm going to try and steal a kiss
from Miss Adelaide Simpson.
Oh, if her mother doesn't object.
Finally, a cruise to look forward to.
Yeah, time to blow off some steam.
And by steam, I mean semen.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
I'm going to spray sperm
into female passengers,
or into the condom
that's inside the females.
- Mm.
- And touch breasts and fingerbang.
And maybe lick a little, you know?
It's going to be great.
A real fornication festival, eh?
- It will, right?
- Yeah, always is.
I got so much meat last year
in such a short amount of time,
I had to triple the dose of Plan B pills.
Really fucked up my digestion.
The last couple of days last year,
my penis was all numb and swollen,
but I just kept going and going,
never giving in.
Pushing it to the max.
Wow, that's so cool. So cool.
Okay, let's get to it.
Hey, hey, hey. Hold it, hold it, señorita.
Are you on the right cruise?
Pretty sure I am.
No, no, no, no. That can't be right.
Why on earth would a beautiful girl
like you be single? Come on.
Hold on, sir.
Are you on the right cruise?
Oui. I am.
No, that can't be right. Why on earth
would a gorgeous guy like you be single?
Are you sure you're on the right cruise?
Enjoy your beverages, ladies!
Günther! There you are.
Hallo, Captain. Can I get you anything?
I can recommend the Tequila Slammer.
Oh, uh I would No, thanks.
I wondered if you had time
to set up a candlelight
dinner for me tonight?
Oh, absolutely, sir.
I will fix that, no worries.
Oh, yes! Great.
Uh I want kind of a Lady and the Tramp
vibe to it, if that rings a bell?
Mm, of course, I love that movie.
Very romantic. Nice choice.
Oh, great. Yeah.
I was in love with, uh, Lady
for quite a few years there.
Never understood
what she saw in the Tramp.
Anyway, may I ask you
a personal question, sir?
Sure. Shoot.
Are you a man who likes humor?
Do you like to laugh, ha-ha-ha?
Oh, of course. I love to laugh, ha-ha-ha.
- Who doesn't?
- Oh, great!
Because Hans actually has
a very great stand-up routine
I've been meaning to tell you about.
He could perform it
while you have your romantic dinner.
Oh
Yeah, well, um
I think I just wanna make this
a more intimate thing.
Oh, absolutely understood. Yes, of course.
Eh Uh
But humor can actually, you know,
tie people closer together
in a romantic way
because you release endorphins
that uh relax you.
Yes, uh for sure. I Hmm.
You know, let let let's just try
to find, uh, another night for that, okay?
Of course.
You are the captain.
Yes.
Okay, thanks, Günther.
Captain? Captain? Eh, it's just that,
well, you haven't heard his material,
so it's only natural
that you are reluctant,
and I understand that 100%.
- Good!
- Um
But you But you know
when you see a great movie,
and you tell people
that they should go see it maybe,
and they're like,
"Yeah, perhaps at a later time"
Yes.
And when they do
eventually see it, they are like,
"Oh, I wish I would have listened
to the person recommending it
and seen it right away because it was
a great movie that I thoroughly enjoyed."
This is a situation just like that.
- It's identical.
- Okay.
But, um, can we just talk
about this later?
I I really wanna make this date perfect.
Sure. Yes, let's just circle back
to that later and come up with a plan
for an event
here in the restaurant or something.
Yeah, sure.
P Perfect. Thank you so much, sir.
Ja!
Uh, this is the key
to what we call the "fuckabin"
because we put the two words
"fuck" and "cabin" together.
- It's like a joke.
- Yeah, she gets it. Thanks, Nico.
- Wow, thank you.
- And bring your beautiful friend as well.
We'll be there.
Nico, you don't have to explain the joke.
It takes the coolness out of it.
Just say "fuckabin" like it is
the most natural word in the world.
- And say it with confidence.
- Oh. Oh yeah, sure. Yeah. Totally.
Sorry. So That makes total sense.
See you there, boys.
Make sure to drink some egg whites, eh?
Hydrate beforehand. Bring your A-game.
Okay. Yes. Sure. Can't wait.
Uh, can I have
everyone's attention please?
Hello. My name is Jonathan Fall,
and I am the captain of this ship,
and I would like to welcome you all
to the Singles Cruise!
Wh What is that I'm feeling in the air?
Can you Can you guys feel that?
What is that? It's so weird.
It's a romance!
It's romance is in the air,
what I'm feeling.
And, you know, it's not every day
we get to watch Cupid in action,
so that sure is exciting.
But can I have Miss Liza Barell
join me onstage, please?
- No, I I
- Liza Barell?
I would love to be on top of you.
Liza? Oh, there you are, Liza.
- Lick you up and down.
- Liza?
- Wh What?
- Come on up here, sweetheart.
I am just so happy Miss Barell and I
don't have to run around
trying to find a soulmate
because we've already found ours.
Good luck, singles! Have fun.
Thanks, guys.
Yep. Sorry, she's off the market.
Taken.
So hands off.
Okay.
- Wow, Captain. That was so romantic.
- Oh, thanks.
I'm just hoping that one day
I will experience the intense love
you guys have going.
I'm so envious of you two.
Well, don't give up, my amigo.
That special someone
is out there somewhere.
I sure hope so.
And Pedro, when you lose your virginity,
just make sure
that it's with the right girl.
Wait until you find the one.
Thanks, amigo.
That's some good advice there. Definitely.
- I will make a note of that in my journal.
- Great.
And Liza, uh,
I have another surprise in store for you.
Okay?
Are you ready for an experience
out of the ordinary?
I was. Very much. Yeah.
Oh, great. Come with me.
Guys? What the fuck?
- Captain, your beverage.
- Oh, thanks, Günther.
Looks delicious.
Mm! Ah. Ooh. That's great.
You know, nothin' beats
that sparkling feeling
you get from a quality soda.
And this is real Cola.
So no cheap imitation Cola here. No, sir.
- Good.
- Mm. It is, right?
So I'm kind of on duty.
I really have to get back to work.
Oh, well, one of the perks
of dating the captain,
I can decide to give you a night off.
- And that I have done.
- Oh.
Isn't it great to just get away
from the meat market downstairs
and just cultivate each other instead?
I bet Pedro and them are
pretty envious of us now.
Yeah, I am sure they are.
Yeah, because, you know,
when you think about it,
this is exactly what they're looking for.
You know? What we have here.
Mm!
Holy mama, that was a great can of Сola.
Even better than I expected. Hoo!
Mm-hmm.
Ooh.
- Miss Popular.
- What?
Uh N Uh, no, it's just a work thing.
Oh, well, you know,
you can forget all about work now
because I have made conversation cards,
so that we, in a natural way,
can learn everything there is
to know about each other
without it feeling forced.
Okay, I'm here.
All right. So what's your poison?
Uh Weather?
Prices of things, before and now?
Uh Cat person or dog person?
Oh, here's a great one.
Soft drinks.
We meet again, my white whale.
Tonight, we dance.
- Hey.
- Hey. Good date?
No! That little cuntblocker
blocked cunt all night and beyond, really.
- I'm a marked woman on this cruise, boys.
- I'm sorry to hear.
Yeah, that sucks
because yesterday was wild.
We were tapping asses
for like five hours straight.
- What?
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Classic tag teaming
with one of us going at it
while the other
was hydrating and encouraging.
It was awesome,
but it was way more exhausting
than I thought it would be, to be honest.
When you reach hour four and five,
you're just running on fumes.
You're hitting that poontang on pure will.
- Are you going back at it tonight?
- No, no, no.
Not a chance. Too sore.
Ah, me too. All swollen.
- Ugh.
- Ah.
My dick skin has these crazy burns.
It couldn't handle
all those hours of friction.
Greetings, Al Jamain.
Hello. Habibti Liza, my beautiful.
I wanted to make sure
everything is in place for the delivery.
Yes, sir. Have we ever let you down?
No. I can thank you
for so many of my wives.
I know.
Okay, I have looked at all the photos.
They are all so beautiful.
It's going to be very hard
to make a choice.
Just follow your heart
or sense of aesthetics.
There's no right or wrong
when it comes to collecting a harem.
Ah, Liza, are you sure
I can't tempt you to join my harem?
You'd be one
of my top-ten wives, definitely.
Sorry, Al Jamain.
It's It is very tempting, but, um
you know, my heart
is in human trafficking, so
Very well.
I will see you tonight
with a broken heart.
So time-consuming.
I don't even understand
why you would think
it is okay to fart in a little room
that is being used by multiple people.
I am sorry,
but there isn't a fart fan in there.
There is no such thing
as a fart fan, Günther.
Leave the room and fart
like a normal person.
Ja, I am actually
on Liza's side on this one.
I can only apologize,
but I know it doesn't make things right.
I let you down, but more importantly,
I let myself down.
Bingo.
The head of the snake.
It is my great honor to welcome you
to the Caribbean Queen's
mandatory foam party!
Have fun in the foam! I know I will.
Her, her, her,
and her.
Ah, Liza!
Mwah, mwah!
This is so exciting.
I I can't believe
that my future wife is lying among them.
Feel my heart.
It's racing with love!
Yes, I can tell you're all giddy.
So these are your top five.
Huh.
Uh, the devil is in the details.
Beautiful teeth.
Probably wore braces.
- A few fillings.
- You can never be too anal.
Liza, I don't want them too skinny, huh?
Wow. Ah.
This one is a keeper, huh?
Look at those hips.
She will give me many sons. Hmm.
Yeah, this is the one.
I never believed
in love at first sight, but, uh
I have found my wife!
Woman overboard.
Another tragic suicide
on the Singles Cruise.
Classic story of unbearable heartbreak.
Happens every year.
You say that
because it's not true, huh?
You sell women to me
and let the families think
they have committed suicide
or ran away, and they are devastated.
Yeah, yeah.
That was the intent of the joke,
but when you say it like that,
it doesn't sound that funny.
I'm still laughing.
Shark. Shark! This is Iron.
Can you hear me?
This is Becker!
What can I do for you,
Agent Steel from the Special Unit?
Sh!
I'm Iron. We're using code names.
- Roger that, Agent Steel!
- Iron!
Iron. Iron. Listen to me.
I am playing with fire here,
and I might not make it out alive.
Got it, Agent Steel Iron Steel.
What? What?
If anything should happen to me,
I want you to know that this sneaky
Goody Two-shoes is running this.
His name is Captain Fall. Take that down.
It's okay. I'll memorize it.
No! No. No.
Write it down, for the love of God.
- Captain Fall.
- No, no, no. I don't have to.
That name is easy to remember, you see?
Just grab a pen and paper real quick.
Real quick!
Just write it down. Captain Fall. Please.
No, no, no, no.
You can lose a piece of paper
just like that.
- I'll put that in my vault.
- No vault.
My head is my hard disk.
No, please!
This is just too important. Captain Fall.
He needs to go behind bars.
Are you writing this down?
Is that you,
Miss Adelaide Simpson?
- Mm!
- What the Jesus Christ?
Becker, it's Agent Steel.
- I love what you've done to your hair.
- Hello? Shark?
- Have you lost weight, you little minx?
- Becker?
You know, if it wasn't for social media
and Tinder and all that,
I wouldn't have to go through
all this hassle.
- No?
- Ah
Dating is like a full-time job these days.
I just don't have that time to swipe
and slide into DMs and all that.
Mm. I see your point.
Well, your new wife
is sound asleep right now,
but should wake up
in an hour or so. Enjoy!
Oh, and Liza, extend my gratitude
to Captain Fall, huh? Shukran, habibti.
Hmm.
- She might end up really happy, you know.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Sparks could go flying when she wakes up
in that submarine with him, and you know,
they could get a connection or something,
and that can evolve into true love.
I would say probably. Yeah.
Well, I'll just head down
with the diamonds.
You guys get this party started again.
I'm gonna take a little breather.
This foam is making me dizzy.
What?
I said I'm going to take a breather.
This foam is making me dizzy.
You just keep doing your music thing.
This is great!
What?
Hey, hey, hey. What the hemp?
Don't dive at night, sir. That's not safe.
Oh, there you are, Captain Fall.
Well, yes.
Rarely have I encountered such pure evil.
I must admit, I do respect
such a formidable and cunning adversary,
but it's game over for you.
See you in court, Captain.
What? Are you going to sue me
because you couldn't find
that special someone on this cruise?
What the hell are you talking about?
I've enough evidence here
to put you away for life.
To To jail? W Why would you do that?
Don't play coy with me.
You run this whole damn operation,
and I've seen the horrible things
going down in your hull.
How can you live with yourself, Fall?
We have a Code Red. I repeat, Code Red.
There's an intruder on board.
Aft on third deck.
I repeat, aft on third deck.
Okay, I am not really with you here, sir.
I'm just a faithful captain
transporting people from A to B
while trying to give them
the best time of their lives.
"I'm just a faithful captain."
No, you're not!
You are a horrible person,
you do horrible things,
and you deserve everything
that's comin' to you.
Wow, that is crazy talk.
I have never hurt anyone.
Not even emotionally.
You're doomed, Captain Fall,
and I will personally see to that.
I am? Seriously?
But I don't even know who you are.
Who I am? Well,
I'm Agent Steel,
and I am your worst nightmare.
You are?