Chappelle's Show (2003) s01e10 Episode Script

1
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's
Show.
Oww.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Whoo-hoo.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
(cheers and applause)
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
Oh, wow man.
Welcome, welcome to the
Chappelle Show, everybody.
Thanks for coming out, man,
I am your, um, host.
(laughs)
You know,
I gotta tell y'all,
I just bought one of
the hottest albums
I bought in
a long time, man.
That, that "Chocolate Factory",
that R. Kelly.
He put it down.
(applause)
I mean, say what you want
to say about his scandal,
but the music is scandal-proof,
you know what I'm saying?
And any real fan
of R. Kelly
wouldn't let that
scandal stop him
because if you was paying
attention to his music
all these years,
you might've seen it coming
like I did.
Go ahead,
roll that video.
Yeah it's the R.
40 ounces of
malt liquor
make me want to
tell you somethin'.
Said rollin' around
sittin' on dubs,
countin' the hours
high on shrubs.
Coolin' in my Escalade.
Man, I'm paid.
I got it made.
Take me to
your special place.
Close your eyes,
show me your face.
I'm gonna
piss on it.
Haters wanna hate,
lovers wanna love.
I don't even want
none of the above.
I want to piss on you
yes, I do.
I'll piss on you.
I'll pee on you.
Said your body,
your body
is a port-a-potty.
I'ma pee
out kick.
I can use karate,
use karate.
I'ma pee on you.
Drip, drip, drip,
pee on you.
Pour on you.
Piss on you.
Piss on you.
You'll never feel
quite the same
when you get a whiff
of my Hershey stains.
I wanna poop
on you too.
I want to
pee in your food.
Only thing to
make my life complete
is when I turn your face
into a toilet seat.
I want to pee on you.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
I'll pee on you.
I'll piss on you.
Haters wanna hate,
lovers wanna love.
I don't even want
none of the above.
I want to piss on you.
Yes, I do.
I'll piss on you.
I'll pee on you.
Won't you braid
my hair,
say, won't you
braid my hair?
Before you start
I'm gonna fart,
I'm gonna fart on you.
(applause and cheers)
Oh!
Boy, that R. Kelly
can make a love song
about anything,
can't he?
Now, a lot of you
might be wondering,
"Dave, how are you
gonna follow that?"
How else?
Make some noise,
ladies and gentlemen,
for Paul Mooney's, time for,
"Ask A Black Dude".
Are all their dicks
really big?
Or are some small,
some big?
Is it a mixed bag,
or do we just assume
they're all hung like horses?
Brothers are packing,
they seem to be packing.
I guess that's the way
of the world.
That's why you have
so many mixed couples.
White girl
ain't that crazy.
How's the old saying go?
"Once you go black,
you don't come back"?
You go white,
you go running back to black.
Ain't that the way
it goes?
It happens that way.
Wasn't Mariah Carey
married to a white man?
And then they divorced
she was humping on
black chairs,
she went crazy when she
got away from him.
Okay, I've always wondered why
black guys shave their heads.
I mean, it just seems
that they have great hair,
and I could never figure out
why so many of them
shave their heads.
It's just a fad.
Now, white folks wear
bald heads, too.
You know they ain't gonna
let a nigga have nothing.
We wore naturals,
they took that,
they take everything.
They took
Tina Turner.
They took Michael Jackson.
They took James Brown
they gave him back.
Who else they take?
Lionel Richie.
Oh, they'll
take stuff from you.
They will take, they won't
let us have too much fun.
That's what I told
some black people
the other night at my show.
I said,
"don't get too fond of me
'cause white folks'll come in
and take me."
They only want niggas
to have a little bit of fun.
I get to talking
some mess on your show,
they'll take your show,
they'll fix you, too.
Woo!
That Paul Mooney
is something!
I can't believe this is
actually happening.
R. Kelly actually sent over
the "Piss On You" remix.
(man)
What?!
I'm serious!
For real, look!
Normally
I don't do this,
but I'ma hit y'all off with
a little taste of the remix.
Y'all ready?
Here we go.
I pick you up
from the club.
Take you home
to make some love.
Got a surprise,
close your eyes.
I'm gonna
cover you with suds.
I'm gonna give you
some poo-poo.
I'm gonna give you
some pee-pee.
I'm gonna give you
some doo-doo.
Wash it down
with some wee-wee.
This is the remix edition
of the song about pissin'.
I got that peein'
leakin', reekin'
and there's juice
in the kitchen.
Yeah that's how it goes
at an T. Kelly party.
I sip Cris'
you drink piss.
"I Wanna
Piss On You" remix.
You heard?
You know, I'm serious.
I really do
want to piss on you.
(applause)
We'll take a quick
commercial break.
Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
Chappelle's Show. Ow.
Hey, gang.
Boy, so much to talk
about tonight.
I've been watching the,
the History Channel a lot.
The History Channel,
it gives you perspective
on a lot of things.
For instance,
gang violence
is something that I never
really understood.
And then I was watching
the History Channel
and they just
came with it, man.
They really
enlightened me.
(host) Welcome to "The
World's Greatest Wars".
We've reviewed
The Civil War,
World War II
and The Gulf War.
But now, we turn your
attention to a classic war
that took place right here
on American soil.
For the last 20 years,
on Chicago's South side,
a violent war has been waged
between two bitter enemies,
the 19th Street Gangsters
and the River Terrace Crew.
The war began in 1982 over
a pair of basketball shoes.
But not just
any basketball shoes.
These were Nikes.
"Ay, dog, ay,"
Earl "The Snake" White
called out
after a rival member
of the 19th Street Gangsters,
General Cornrow Wallace,
made minor contact
with his shoes.
Ay!
Ay, dog, ay.
You stepped
on my sneaker, man!
The Snake knew then that
he would have to fight him.
Aah!
Ah, aah!
What you got?
Oh! Aah!
(mocking)
Aah! Aah!
Get that shit
off my sneakers!
(clucking,
cooing)
The Snake was down,
but not out.
He returned to
the Crew's clubhouse
and rallied the troops
with a most impassioned speech.
Some mark-ass trick just
stepped on my sneakers
and poured morton salt
all over 'em.
Are y'all
ready to ride?
Robble, robble.
(all)
Robble, robble!
Let's ride on these fools
at their own barbecue.
Wasting no time,
the Crew commenced
stomping on
people's sneakers
to let them know
who ran the projects.
General Cornrow Wallace
pulled out a gun
unheard of, at that point,
in street fighting.
(gunshot)
A resident called 9-1-1
immediately.
Police showed up promptly
four hours later.
Cornrow was sentenced
to seven years in prison.
His time there would be
formative, to say the least.
(clucking,
cooing)
His roommate in jail was a man
named Tyrone Biggums,
who regaled Cornrow
with stories
of a new way
to make cocaine.
It's called crack!
It's great!
And it's so
simple to make!
All you need
is some cocaine
and some baking soda
and I think I tasted
egg and cinnamon.
Whoever sells it
is gonna be rich!
Cornrow immediately alerted
his friends on the outside
via a letter.
(man reading slowly)
"Yo.
"Y'all niggers need
to cook up cocaine
"with ba-king powder
and sell it.
"All the best, Cornrollup.
P.S. (coos)"
They immediately started
cooking the stuff up
and selling it on what little
space they still controlled.
They had made hundreds
of thousands of dollars
in mere weeks.
In no time, Snake and his crew
followed suit.
The money made fueled what
became a heated arms race
between the two groups.
(gunshots)
(explosion,
Snake laughs)
The violence escalated
every year,
finally peaking in 1989
when the 19th Street Gangsters
sustained a massive loss
at the battle of
the Kool Moe Dee concert,
which took place at
a Kool Moe Dee concert.
Newly released from prison,
revered General Cornrow Wallace
was shot dead.
The funeral was somber
and filled with Cornrow's
signature bird call.
(all cooing)
The funeral passed
without incident
but what the crew did next
appalled even
the hardest thugs.
The crew went
to the graveyard
and dug up General
Cornrow Wallace's body,
absconding with it
to their hideout.
The incident was videotaped
and sent to members of
the 19th Street Gangsters.
Hey, fool, we got
your leader.
Look at us.
High five!
High five!
Look at these
pretty clothes there.
Get his shoes,
look at them pretty shoes!
Oh, I'm steppin' on 'em.
Robble, robble
robble, robble.
Tensions between
the Gangsters
and the 19th Street Crew
rage to this day.
Most of the original members
of the gangs
are either dead
or in jail.
But we did speak to one member,
Earl "The Snake" White.
Ironically, he now works
at a friendly Shoe Source
in a strip mall on
the exact location
where the Cardinal Projects
once stood.
All right!
Snake, knowing what you do now,
was it all worth it?
Yeah, it was a tragedy!
Can you repeat
the question?
For the History Channel,
I'm Jeff Frankel.
Good night.
(applause)
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break,
but we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
So don't go anywhere.
Ha-ha, go ahead!
Hey, gang, welcome back.
Welcome back.
So here at Chappelle's Show.
we like to show people
the real versions
of movies.
Okay, so I got
another one for you.
Today we're gonna do
"Deep Impact".
I don't know
if you've seen it.
This was where Morgan Freeman
was the black President.
An asteroid was speeding
towards Earth,
and he had to
figure out a way
to solve the problem
and save humanity!
I wonder what would
really happen, hmm?
Please be seated.
Hello, America.
As you all know, there's an
asteroid the size of Maine
speeding towards Earth
as we speak.
I'd like to take a moment
out of the day to, uh,
address the allegations
that this is somehow
my fault.
Firstly I'd like to say
that these allegations are
absolutely and 100% false.
Secondly,
and most importantly,
I'd like to say that you
motherfuckers disgust me!
You're goddamn right
I said it.
If you knew just
one of the things
I was sworn
to secrecy to,
you would buckle under
the goddamn pressure.
Mr. President!
Mr. President!
Like what?
How about this.
I have here in my hand
the cure for AIDS.
We've had this
for 25 years.
Have a great weekend.
Did I shock you?
Are you crazy yet?
Well, I have somebody
I'd like you to meet.
Come on up here, Paula.
America, I'd like you to
meet my good friend Paula.
And here's Paula again.
And here's Paula
one more time.
We cloned these three bitches
in a laboratory in Seattle
some 19-odd years ago.
Not only that, we added
a pinch of black genes
so that they could
do things like this.
Hit it, girls.
Running through
the raindrops
wishing that
you won't stop
that'll be enough,
thank you very much.
All right, baby.
Oh, hold on, Paula.
It's the cure
for AIDS.
Sorry about
last night.
Freaked out yet?
Have I blown your mind?
Or you think you can
still handle my job?
Because if you're cocky and you
think you got hold of this,
I got some more
information for you.
Would you like to know
who killed Kennedy?
Yeah.
Who killed Kennedy?
You ready for
the truth, America?
Here it comes.
Oswald killed Kennedy.
That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald
killed John F. Kennedy,
alone and
by himself.
With a magic bullet.
That's right, the bullet
was actually magical,
magic does exist.
We've known about this
for some 2,000 years.
I'm not finished yet,
I have some more information
that might startle you.
The R. Kelly sex tape.
That wasn't R. Kelly,
it was me.
That's right,
I urinate on people
when I have sex with them.
I'm a disgusting human being
and I apologize
to the people who
I've hurt and peed on.
Bet I blew your mind
right there, didn't I?
I'm really on a roll
and I don't care
because the world's
going to end any day now.
So I might as well
introduce you
to a good friend
of mine, Bibble.
Bibble, come on up.
(man)
Oh my God!
Is that an alien?!
America, this is Bibble.
Bibble is a space creature
that lives very far away
in a galaxy
called Nebulon Five.
And he is solely responsible
for the wave of technology
we've seen
over the last few decades:
Cell phones, pagers,
Playstation 1 and 2.
You might think it was the
Japanese who are responsible,
but anyone in the know
knows that it was Bibble,
fo' shizzle
and all 'bout Bibble.
'Cause only Bibble
can keep it so real.
Hey, uh, Bibble, is
the spaceship ready?
(electronic voice)
Aye, aye.
I'm ready to
get out of here.
Okay, me and Bibble
are about to leave,
but before we go
I just want to say,
there's no hope for
the Planet Earth.
There's no way to
stop the asteroid
and you're all
gonna die.
Everyone except for me.
And of course, Bibble,
who's been so kind
to let me accompany him
on his spaceship.
And I'm bringing those three
cloned white women with me.
Good-bye, America.
I hope you all die
in a fiery death
when the meteor
hits next Tuesday.
Come on, Bibble,
let's get out of here.
(man)
Oh my God!
Aye, aye.
(applause)
All right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
But please,
don't go anywhere
'cause we'll be right back.
Look at that.
Turn on your TV,
what you gonna see?
I would like to thank
the studio audience.
I would like to
thank you at home.
You see, because
I keep saying
Hi.
Hey, what's up, man?
We just got a call,
looks like you're having
a lot of fun out here.
Just having
a blast, baby.
Yeah, we, uh,
we are the white guys.
And we've come
to take over your show.
What do you mean,
are you?
Well, we already
got Paul Mooney.
Now we gotta
take you.
You took Paul?
Yeah
oh, and by the way,
could you people
stack the chairs
on the way out,
please?
Thank you so much.
Hey, wait a minute,
wait.
Get a picture of me
and David before we go.
Oh, sure, sure.
Yeah, my daughter's
gonna love this.
Oh, Hannah, yeah?
My daughter thinks
you're really funny.
Okay, we got him
now, huh?
Is this still live?
Can we cut that?
Yeah, the mic's on
but, hey, hold on there
Help!
Help!
What y'all
clapping for?!
Help!
Watch your step.
This ain't no skit,
bitch, help!
I'm rich, bi-atch!
(horn honks)
Hi, thank you!
Good night,
Cornrow Wallace.
Watch out
for the wolves.
Is it mornin' yet?!
I pee on people when
I have sex with them.
(laughs)
Can I say
"pee on people"
or is standards
gonna kill me?
That's right, I spray
people with urine
during sexual encounters.
Surprise, surprise,
right in your eyes.
You're right,
that's much lighter.
(crew laughing)