Code Monkeys (2007) s01e10 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Dave: Hey, man. Dude.
Jerry. Jerry!
Jerry: Aah! What the hell??
Why would you do that?
Voice on tape: 'Cause you inhale
red and exhale blue
The rhythm of your breathing
Dave: Whoa.
What the gay are you
listening to?
Jerry: Dave. It's a relaxation
tape, you a-hole.
Dave: No offense, dude, but
I don't think it's working.
Anyway, you can't relax now.
We have got
a workplace emergency.
[Siren blaring]
Mary: So, what's this alleged
workplace emergency, Dave?
Dave: Larrity. He's only
approving really crappy games.
Mary: What else is new?
Dave: Yeah, but it's
gotten worse
ever since he actually sold
that idiotic Snackman game.
Todd: I bear your insults
in dignified silence.
Jerry: You know Larrity
doesn't actually
care about games, only money,
and crappy games make money.
Dave: Yeah, it's like
in his head, there's
a cartoon of money
and it's
screwing other money
on a big money bed
and they're making
adorable money children.
Hmm. I'd actually like
to see that if
money had big-ass boobs.
That game would be awesome.
Jerry: Dave, what's your point?
Dave: My point is
he needs a wake-up call.
We need to get him to approve
a game so horrible
that it'll make him
lose his fortune.
Mary: A game like what?
[Dave whispering]
Mary: Aah!
You wouldn't.
Dave: Oh, wouldn't I?
Jerry: Wouldn't what?
Dave, what are you gonna do?
Dave: Dude, relax.
Pretend you're the ocean.
[Waves crashing on tape]
Mary: There's no way
he's approving that game.
Dave: Bet you he will,
and if he does, you have
to go out with Jerry.
Mary: Fine, but if he doesn't,
you have to shave Larrity's back
for the next month.
Mary: So, as you can see,
Little Suzie Sweetcakes
collects the cakes,
then throws them up.
When she loses enough weight,
she gets a new bikini,
and that's how you win
the level.
I'd like the record to show
that the company who designed
the Little Suzie Sweetcakes
dolls
is a cesspool of disgusting
male chauvinism.
Larrity: Uhh.
Is not a man done yet?
Mary: I hate my life.
Dave: Hey, thanks, Mary.
I am so proud to show you guys
my latest creation.
I really think
you're gonna dig it
and dig it deep.
Clare: Oh, that's horrible!
Make it stop!
Todd: Wow.
I just threw up in my mouth.
Mm. Nachos.
The cheese
is the exact same consistency
as when it went down.
Clarence: Even I'm offended ♪
And I just spent all weekend ♪
Watching 3 men [beep] ♪
Dave: See, the point of the game
is that you are Hitler,
and what you're doing--
Larrity: I see the point!
What in the hell, son,
do you think you're doing?
Dave: Oh, man.
Larrity: Dave,
you're gonna make the rest
of these cow turds
look like donkey turds
if you keep
pitching these brilliant ideas.
Dave: I'm sorry, I was high.
Wait, what?
Larrity: Hitler. Child slavery.
Chili doggin'.
It's got everything I like
except for a comically
large check
with my name on it.
And, of course,
a normal-sized check
with your name on it.
Dave: Well, thank you, sire,
for your support.
Larrity: Thank you, Dave.
Anybody else want
to try to top that?
Yes, new guy,
take your best shot.
Man: Hi. My name's
Lorne Lanning.
It's my first day here, but I--
Black Steve: Get to
the mother[beep] point.
Lorne: Oh, right.
So, my game,
it's about this place
called Oddworld,
and we follow Abe,
and there's all sorts of these
great characters/creatures
like, you know,
Mudockins and Gabits,
Eloms, and Meeches.
Larrity: Meechees?
Dean, sizzle him.
Dump his body back in
the old wishing well
[Lorne screaming indistinctly]
Larrity: with Mrs. Larrity
number 7.
As soon as you're done,
report directly to Dave.
You're gonna be his personal
slave till his game's done.
Does that work for you, Davy?
Dave: Yeah, I think I can find
something for Dean to do.
Dean, you are my bitch.
[Splash]
Dave: So, in this sequence,
Hitler confronts his archenemy,
an adorable kitten,
and beats the crap out of it.
Ready, Dean?
Action and scene.
Show me it.
Yeah, yeah, you hate that
kitten, don't you, Hitler? Oh.
Dean: I hate you!
I hate you, kitten!
Larrity: Looking good
in here, fellas?
Dave: Looking great,
Mr. Larrity.
Dean: I hate you.
I hate you so much!
Dave: All right, Dean.
Take a break.
Dean: I hate you, Daddy!
[Crying]
Kitten: Aah!
Jerry: Inhale red, exhale blue.
Inhale red.
Dave: You went to
a really honest
place there, Dean,
and I thank you for your honesty
as the director of
this video game.
Hey, now run across the street
and get me an Orange Julius.
Dean: Whatever you say, chief.
Jerry: How long are you planning
to let this go on, Dave?
Dave: Just remember, man,
it's all for the greater good.
Once Larrity loses
his shirt on this game,
he'll realize the error
of his ways
and he'll start taking
a closer look at
our real works of art.
Like "Space Unicycles"
and "Lunch Lady Zombies."
[Sniffles] I love those
lunch ladies, man.
Mary: Well, Larrity's
been pulling marketing dollars
from other projects
left and right,
sinking them all into
this heinous Hitler game.
He's even selling everything
in the break room.
Clarence: It hurts my soul ♪
Todd: Well, there's nothing
we can do about it
until, of course, I unveil
"Valley of the Mermen III"
and show 'em what a real
hit game looks like.
Mary: So, what's the real hit
game you're going to show him
after you unveil
"Valley of the Mermen III"?
Computer voice: Todd refuses to
dignify that with a response.
Clare: You may all think
this is a laughing matter,
but I don't.
Especially in that one sequence
where he takes all those
innocent, little kittens
and puts them--
Mary: We know!
Clare: I just think
we should be making games
about things people love,
like spaghetti and unicorns.
Larrity: Pulling cash out
Dean's trust! Come on!
I need to get them
Hitler t-shirts made pronto!
Dean can always turn
tricks to survive,
just like his mammy did.
Clare: Sir.
Larrity: Well, well, well,
if it isn't the other one
with the boobies.
Ha ha! What can I do
for you today, missy?
Clare: Sir, I feel kind of weird
bringing this up, but--
Larrity: Say no more.
Let me get a good look at it.
Clare: Ew, gross.
Larrity: Hmm, let me see here.
Uh, yeah, sturdy hips.
Not much in the ol'
face department.
And the calves are a little
thick for my taste.
Yeah, don't get me wrong,
sweetcakes.
Auditions for Mrs. Larrity
number 9 are definitely ongoing.
I just don't think you're ready
for the rodeo. [Clicks tongue]
Clare: Sir--
Larrity: Now, if you lay off
the pot pies
and buy a bottle of peroxide,
and maybe get yourself
some new melons,
we might be in business.
Whoo! And put on some weight,
then lose it real fast.
I love stretch marks
something fierce.
Clare: Sir, that's not
why I'm here.
[Sighs] You can't release
that Hitler game,
not just because it's Hitler
but because it's wrong
to encourage kids to shoot
harmless creatures.
Larrity: Ha ha ha ha!
This little filly's got
a sense of humor!
But jokes don't fill out
a bikini top,
and neither do you.
You know what I'm saying?
Clare: Ow!
Larrity: Come back and see me
in 20 pounds, sweetie.
Clare: But what about Hitler?
Larrity: Wait, hey.
Clare: Don't you think
people will be offended?
Larrity: No, no, no,
that's old news.
He's nostalgic now,
like Sinatra,
or what's his name--Buddha.
Heh. People love nostalgia.
When I'm done, every kid
in America's
gonna have themselves
a plushie Hitler doll.
Now get gettin', skinny. Hyah!
Clare: Oh!
Dean: Hey there.
What's up? Hey.
What's up?
All right, man.
What's up?
What's up?
Don't stare at the guns
too hard, honey.
You might pull
an eyeball muscle.
Woman: You bastard.
Dean: Uh, I need
two Orange Juliuses
and one Pineapple Juliuses.
Man: Hey, hey, hey,
how dare you?
Dean: Ah, come on, bro.
Don't walk away from me.
Man [German accent]:
Excuse, please--
Dean: Sorry, bro.
I don't need
an invisible dog fence
or a massage chair today.
Man 2 [German accent]:
You like the Hitler?
Dean: What? No!
I work for GameaVision.
It's a company my dad owns.
He's gonna give it to me
when he dies, you know.
Anyway, we're doing
a game about Hitler
and I'm just modeling for it,
'cause I'm a male model.
Man 1: Ah! You're making
a video game about Hitler?
Dean: Yeah, you play as Hitler
and you gotta do
all this stuff, like,
first you walk out
and then you, uh,
you do this other thing,
uhwhere
Gunter [German accent]:
You are certain he said
GameaVision, yes?
[Voice on box mumbling]
Gunter: Very well.
We will take it from here.
And Fritz, keep pushing
those miniature bonsai sets.
Our relationship with
the Japanese is soon to become,
how do you say,
increasingly important.
Mathilda [German accent]:
Now we have a problem.
Gunter: Not for long.
Larrity: What in the hell?
Dean, you idiot.
I got half a mind
to fire you right now.
Dean: Dude, what's up, Dad?
Larrity: Don't you "Dad" me,
you moron!
Those two Krauts
you met at the mall
ratted us out to
the Hitler family.
They're issuin' an injunction
to stop the release of the game!
Dean: Sorry, Dad.
Larrity: Sorry ain't gonna
cut it, Dean.
Sizzle yourself.
[Electronic buzzing]
Jerry: Wait.
There's still Hitlers out there?
Larrity: You bet your
sweet ass there is, Jerry.
The Hitler family's
cornered the market
on executive toys and gifts.
You know, space pens
and neck pillows
and inspirational posters
and such.
It's all part of
a long-term plan
to reduce America's
economic power
and take revenge
for the ass-whoopin'
my daddy gave them in WWII,
but I didn't leverage
everything I own,
plus most of the stuff
you guys own,
to let them drive me out of
this business
like they drove me out of
my novelty business.
By selling all this
wonderful Hitlerdise,
I'm gonna build me
one of the biggest
Hitler-themed empires
since, uh
Dave: Hitler?
Larrity: Exactly!
But without that
game at the center,
this whole thing collapses,
and so does this company.
So, we gots to tread
lightly, fellas.
I'm gonna go do something now
to show them we mean no harm
to Das Fuhrer.
Dave: Oh, man, he's gonna
kill us in sacrifices.
That is no bueno.
Larrity: I got it.
We'll all go down the coast
to Hitler Castle.
Maybe a little sweet talk
can solve this problem
before people have to
start dying.
Pack your bags, everybody.
We going to Hitler Castle.
Yee-ha!
Jerry: Sir, as a half-Jew,
I just can't spend 4 days
kissing up to the Hitler family.
Larrity: All right, Jerry,
I understand.
Since you're only half a Jew,
you'll just come for
the first two days.
Let's go.
Jerry: But, sir, I--
Larrity: Look, boy.
It's important that
every member of our staff
show their support.
They already got the guest list
so they'll know if
anybody's missing.
And trust me--these people are
very good at keeping records.
Jerry: I don't know
if I can do this, man.
Dave: Dude, just use
your relaxation tapes.
Jerry: I tried that,
but for some reason,
they just keep making me
more angry.
Dave: Look, man,
think of it this way.
You probably don't want
to be judged
for the things your
great-grandfather did, right?
Jerry: Well, my
great-grandfather was a dentist.
Dave: See? Exactly my point.
Hmm. Dentist.
Gunter: Aloha!
Dave: Sweet, Jerry.
We're getting lei'd.
Get it? We're getting lei'd.
In Hitler Town.
This is awesome.
Jerry: Maybe these Hitlers
aren't that bad after all.
[Organ music playing]
Gunter: He's very talented,
Mr. Larrity.
Larrity: Yeah,
you're right, Whitey.
This little [beep] is
really good at testing games
and sneaking around and--what,
now I guess playing organs.
Who knew?
Benny: I get more
snack cakes now?
Mathilda: We've prepared
a little presentation
on our foundation so that
you can come to
understand us a little better.
You don't mind, do you?
Larrity: Of course not!
Gunter: Then let us retire
to the inner chamber.
Larrity: Everybody smile.
Let's just appease
these nazzies
and they'll give us
what we want.
[Bats screeching]
Jerry: Aah!
Gunter: Welcome to the Hitler
Memorial Private Screening Room.
Film narrator: When you hear
the name "Hitler,"
you probably don't think
of direct marketing
of high-quality consumer goods,
the world's largest producer
of inspirational literature,
or a foundation that helps
children around the world
to get in touch
with their inner ballerina,
but today, Hitler Industries is
all these things and much more,
as you'll learn over
the next 4 1/2 hours.
Dave: 4 1/2 hours? Really?
[Beep]
Film narrator: Hitler Industries
is on the march,
occupying over 350 offices
around the world,
from Poland to Norway
to Belgium to France,
and with plans to open
a Russian front.
Dave: Jerry, do you think
Gunter and Mathilda
are brother and sister
or are they just doing it?
[Gasp] Or both?
Jerry: Uhh. Gross.
Clarence: This is gay ♪
I'm outta here ♪
[Jiggles door handle]
It's locked ♪
Dave: Wish I was gay.
Black Steve: [Beep] that.
Let's roll.
Film narrator: 95% of all
relaxation tapes
come from Hitler Industries.
Not only do they help people
lead better lives,
but we insert
subliminal messages of healing
to help change the way
people think about Hitler.
Jerry: I've been listening to
subliminal Nazi messages?
Oh, God!
Todd: That explains so much.
Dave: Oh, man, I am so glad
we busted out of there.
Hey, what's that?
Black Steve: Probably a safe
full of
Nazi gold, yo.
We're gonna be rich!
Dave: Hell yeah! Now,
if I was Hitler,
what would be my code?
[Beeping]
Black Steve: Cool.
Mathilda: Now that you
understand a little bit more
about our vision for
the Hitler name
in the 21st century,
I'm sure you'll understand why
we cannot possibly allow you
to proceed with your own
video game.
Todd: Does this shirt
make me look fat?
Clare: No. Vision
makes you look fat, Todd.
Mathilda: However, we have
our own proposal
that we think you'll quite like.
We've developed our own
video game
which is called
"Everyone Is a Person."
As you can see, this game will
convey a positive message
that everyone is a person,
even Der Fuhrer.
We shall now sign the deal, yes?
Dave: Holy [beep].
Is that what I think it is?
Black Steve: It's Hitler
frozen in carbonite.
Dave: I knew it!
Dude, what should we do?
Black Steve: Let's smoke this
guy like a two-dollar cigar.
Dave: No, dude.
Let's unfreeze him.
Then we can make him pay for
all the [beep]-up
stuff he did to people.
Black Steve: Cool.
Larrity: Ah, well, yeah,
certainly, ah, sure.
Uh, you want me
to sign the deal.
I get it. OK.
Uh, well, let me think, uh--
Jerry: That game sucks.
Dean: Whoa, what's up?
Jerry: I'm sorry.
It's true.
And Dave's game, even if
it was a joke,
is kind of awesome.
Mary: Jerry's sort of right.
Jerry: What's not awesome
is people who can't take a joke.
Your great-grandfather
was Hitler.
That must be tough to live down.
But you can't expect people
not to make video games
about him ass-blasting animals,
because most people think
he was a real twisted bastard.
And also the devil on Earth.
If you're gonna sue us,
then you're going to sue us,
but Mr. Larrity isn't gonna
compromise his vision
of giant piles of money
just to spare your feelings.
Larrity: I gotta tell you,
the half-Jew is right.
That game just ain't gonna
work for us, fellas.
So, thanks for the dinner
and the movie, sweetie,
but we should probably
get to gettin'.
Mathilda: You're not
going anywhere.
[People screaming indistinctly]
Larrity: Evil bears?
These Hitlers thought
of everything.
It's an ambush! Run!
[Hissing]
Hitler: Freedom!
The time has come, Gunter.
I will--aah!
I am so cold
from the carbonite.
Dave: Don't worry, buddy.
I'll warm you up.
Ahh. There you go.
Hitler: Ohh. Feels so good
and warm.
Smells like--aah!
Black Steve: Whoa.
Larrity: OK, they may
catch one of us,
but not all.
Lorne: Hey, guys.
It's me, remember? Lorne.
Hey, I got out of that pit
and I tracked y'all down
through the--
[Bear growing]
[Grunting, screaming
indistinctly]
Larrity: While the bear
eats Lorne,
pair up in threes and skedaddle!
Mary: Really?
Pair up in threes?
Yes, sir.
Dave: OK, now, it's very
important, Hitler,
you pay attention to me.
On the count of 3,
open your eyes,
and you do a sit-up.
You do a sit-up
as fast as you can.
Ready? 1, 2, 3.
Hitler: Aah!
The dreaded atomic sit-up!
Larrity: It's a giant
executive desk toy!
Dean: I got this one. Oh!
Larrity: Gah darn, Benny.
[Benny shouting indistinctly]
Larrity: Gosh darn it,
I love that kid.
Hitler: Oh!
My lip!
Black Steve: Nah, you gotta
hit like this.
Use your abs.
Dave: Like this? Mm!
[Hitler shouting indistinctly]
Black Steve: Yeah, that's it.
Dave: But what if I use
a bat, like this?
[Hitler shouting indistinctly]
Black Steve: Yeah, that works.
Jerry: Black Steve, Dave,
where the hell have you been?
Dave: Not unfreezing
Adolf Hitler.
Jerry: What?
Oh, my God.
Dave: Crap!
Dude, Hitler bolted.
Black Steve: That can't be good.
Jerry: Let's get out of here
before it's too late.
Todd: [Indistinct].
I fear I won't make it.
Dave: Come on, lard-ass, move.
Todd: Words hurt, Dave.
Ohh! Side cramp!
Jerry: It's OK.
I think we're
safe to take a breather.
[Bear growling]
Clare: Aah! Aah!
Dave: That's not gonna end well.
Wait, did she say
she liked bears?
Jerry: Not exactly.
She said
she likes unicorns, Dave.
Dave: Oh. Bummer.
[Men screaming indistinctly]
Jerry: They've
got us surrounded.
Larrity: Thanks for ruining
our hiding place.
Dean: I can't believe it.
We're gonna get killed
by Nazis.
Larrity: Just like your
granddaddy did, boy.
He took their bayonets
with a smile on his face.
Dean: I thought he got
stabbed in a brothel.
Larrity: Yeah, a nazzie brothel.
Hitler: Hands.
Let me see the hands.
Jerry: Any more
bright ideas, Dave?
Dave: Look, we both
made mistakes.
I unfroze Hitler andI guess
I was the one who made
more mistakes.
Whatever. The important
thing is
we're about to die, so,
this is probably
your final chance to put
the old salami in Mary's roll.
Jerry: What?
Dave: Yeah.
I did this all for you, dude,
so, technically,
it's your fault.
Mary agreed to go out
on a date with you
if Larrity approved the game.
Mary: He's right.
Stick it in me.
Jerry: Really?
Mary: No.
Jerry: Aah! What the hell?
Dave: Who are you guys?
Man: Don't y'all worry
about that now.
Just get yourselves safe
and let us take care of
them crazy Krauts, yee-ha.
Clarence: Rustle me up
some cowboys ♪
[Bears growling]
Hitler: How humiliating!
I have been defeated again!
Man: Our patrols have
to rescue folks from
them nutjobs all the time.
Larrity: Shoot,
we sure are grateful
to you old cowpokes.
Man: It's our pleasure, sir.
Just make sure
to tell the folks
back in the big city
that cowboys do exist,
and some of us are
right honorable fellers.
[Hocks]
[Splat]
Dave: Jerry, relax.
Jerry: I won't relax
because relaxation
is Nazi bull[bleep].
Man: I just can't imagine
what a nice bunch of fellas
like yourselves are
doing up in that
loony bin anyhow.
Dave: We're video game
programmers and, well,
to make a long story short,
we had this
awesome video game that
I invented, of course,
about Hitler.
You want to see it?
Man: Uh, that ain't good.
Dave: I know.
It started as a joke
to see if Mr. Larrity
would approve anything, but--
Larrity: What?
Man: No, man, I mean
them graphics is terrible.
Man 2: And that game play seems
mighty primitivo.
Man 1: Hey, man, them blobs
supposed to be something?
Dave: Those blobs
are little kids
and that other blob
is a threshing machine and--
you know what?
Never mind.
Man 2: I'm just saying,
Bellecovision's Hitler game
is way better than this 'un.
Larrity: Bellecovision? Dave!
Mary: This is so satisfying.
Dave: Ugh. How many more times
do I have to do this?
Larrity: Given the turd
your Hitler game laid
in the marketplace,
why don't you just
make this party a daily regimen?
Thank Golly Almighty,
Todd's brilliant
cowboy versus nazzie game
saved the company.
Todd: It was my pleasure.
Larrity: Well, at least this
little incident has finally
rid the world
of that bastard Hitler.
Woman: What the hell is that?
Larrity: Oh. Heh. Aah!
Aw, shoot, don't worry.
That's not the real Hitler.
That's just one of
his clones on ice.
Just a little
insurance policy, if you will.
Dave: Against what?
Larrity: Hey!
More shavin', less yappin'.
[Elephant trumpets]
Hitler: Aah!
The dreaded atomic sit-up!