Corporate (2017) s01e10 Episode Script
Remember Day
1 [CHEERY MUSIC.]
Don't you just love the holidays? The only holiday I respect is Mother's Day, 'cause I feel directly responsible - for my mother's pain.
- You do have a huge head.
I'll bet your birthday causes your mom PTSD.
Maybe I'll just get Kate and John gift cards.
You're asking for a promotion.
You gotta get 'em something better than a gift card.
No way.
Gift cards are the perfect way to show someone you don't care about that you really care about them.
Wait, you're getting reimbursed for the decorations for the office party, right? No, but it's fine.
Okay, that'll be $837.
98.
Jesus! Fucking.
Fuck you.
What! Whoa! - Okay.
- [ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS.]
Sir, if you're not gonna buy that, please put it down.
Wow, just some more casual anti-Semitism thrown in my face.
I don't like him, either.
Holiday gift giving is bullshit forced generosity.
If I get gifts for people, I'm just doing what I'm supposed to.
If I don't get gifts for people, I'm an asshole for not participating in a made-up corporate holiday.
It's a trap, and I'm a victim.
No, holidays are good.
They're your one chance to make up for being a huge disappointment the rest of the year.
Make this a September to remember by getting twin touch screen Obelisks for the price of one.
The Obelisk 5.
0.
On sale this Remember Day.
I don't know.
Something about Remember Day just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
Yesterday will always be remembered as a somber day in American history.
Now more than ever, Americans need to shop at Hampton Deville affiliated stores.
We have a moral duty as a company to monetize this tragedy, because if we don't, the terrorists win.
Excuse me, Christian? We have an idea.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Why do people celebrate Christmas? Trauma.
Americans fight through hell all year, and to reward themselves at the end of it, they buy gifts.
Hallmark invented Valentine's Day; Walmart invented the Fourth of July; and Harbor Day, as we all know, - was invented by Carl's Jr.
- Carl's Jr.
So we think it's time for Hampton DeVille to create its own holiday.
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
What are your names? - Kate.
- Shawn.
Kate and John Oh That's an excellent idea.
[BOTH EXHALE EXCITEDLY.]
2000 years ago, Jesus Christ was crucified, and now every Easter, people buy millions of dollars worth of chocolate bunnies.
Starting today, we are going to plant the seeds for a new holiday.
We just have to wait until the time is right.
This can't feel opportunistic.
It has to come straight from the heart.
I'm thinking 20 years seems appropriate.
[DRAMATIC DRUM BEAT.]
BOTH: It's Remember Day! [GEESE SQUAWKING.]
In studio with us today, we have Hampton DeVille CEO, Christian DeVille.
- BOTH: Hey, Christian.
- It's great to be here.
You know, I'm a big fan of the show.
- Ooh! - Cheers.
- Ch-ching, ch-ching.
- Yay.
Fun fact: Hampton DeVille actually coined the phrase, "Remember Day," so I guess that kinda makes you the Santa Clause of this holiday.
- [LAUGHS.]
I like that.
- So Hampton DeVille cares about all Americans, and wants to give back.
That's why you'll find great deals on all Hampton DeVille products today.
And with every purchase, you'll receive a red Remember Day string, and we suggest you tie it around your finger to help you to remember.
If I have any more white wine, I won't remember anything.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I might black out.
Okay, let's go a pinch more to the right.
No, to the right.
- And - Whoops.
- Grace - Matt, chill out.
This is an office holiday party for a bunch of bosses and employees who make fun of you in email threads behind your back.
My coworkers are my family.
I know that, because they constantly mistreat me, and I desperately need their approval.
Hey, so what's the deal with the elephant? It's the Remember Day Memory Elephant.
It helps you never forget.
But wait, it's supposed to be red, white, and blue.
Uh, the store only had grey elephants, because that's the color that elephants are.
Okay, well, I don't have time for your excuses.
The party starts in two hours, so I need you to go get some art supplies and paint that elephant American.
Jeez, why is this so important to you? Why is this so important to you? Because, Roger, you forgot to buy the Christmas ham.
That was our Christmas dinner.
Without it, we don't have Christmas, so good job! Oh, don't go blaming this on me.
Would you keep your voice down? I don't want Matt to hear you.
I want him to hear us.
Ever since he's moved back in here, our marriage has been falling apart! Well, you know what I want for Christmas? A divorce! Well, ho, ho, ho, and call me Santa Clause, because I'm giving you your wish.
Matt? What were you just thinking about? Nothing.
All I know is that holidays hold the potential to ruin lives, and I won't let that happen today.
Okay, whatever, I'll go paint the elephant.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Thank you, Paige.
[CHEERY MUSIC.]
Grace, higher.
Matt, I'm short, you tall monster.
Okay, I'll do it then.
Coming up after the break, we've got a celebrity chef, Theresa Marticinni.
She's gonna be making us traditional Remember Day goose.
[GEESE SQUAWKING.]
- Thank you, Christian! - Toodles.
My pleasure.
Let me just get this mic off of you real quick.
And while I got you here, I just want you know, I think you're a sick piece of shit.
Excuse me? Do you know who you're speaking to? Yeah, a sick piece of shit, who's totally comfortable exploiting emotionally vulnerable people to get a quick buck.
Fuck you, Santa Clause.
How do you live with yourself? [SOLEMN MUSIC.]
[WHISPERS.]
Kate - Hey, Kate.
- I'm right here.
[CHEERY MUSIC.]
Did you get your Remember Day bonus yet? No.
Did you? You don't think he's forgotten that this holiday was our idea, do you? - On Remember Day? - [SHARP EXHALES.]
Okay, Jake, you're gonna go in there, and be confident and direct, and exude raw sexual energy, which nobody can deny.
Let's go.
Oh, my God, perfect.
You're both here.
First of all, Happy Remember Day.
- Aww, thank you, Jake.
- Aww.
I'll get straight to the point.
Listen, I've been a Junior Executive in Training for about five years now, and it's technically a one-year program, so wow.
Anyway, I am all trained up, and I'm ready to be a Junior Executive.
As my mentors, promoting me would be a huge win for both of you.
I'm your Shamu, you're my SeaWorld, and let's just pretend Blackfish never happened.
Who cares about whales? I don't.
First of all, Jake, we're surprised it took you this long to ask.
Unfortunately, the answer is no.
[ECHOES.]
Jake, here are the reasons you will not be getting this promotion.
You come into work with cat hair on your suit.
So much cat hair that I'm sometimes like, - "What's going on here?" - What's going on? What's happening? [INDISTINCT.]
Unfortunately, the answer is no.
We're not gonna sign you to our record label.
And can I give you some advice? No.
I'm here to rock.
The music industry has gone corporate.
Fuck corporate America.
Two, three, four.
America is a corporation And I hate my supportive parents North Korea is better than America And I can't pay my student loans And Baron showed us a video of your rap rock band, - so there's that.
- Yikes.
Quite frankly, you're lucky to even have a job.
- [GASPS.]
Gift card - Wow.
How much is on it? All right, just wanna double-check we have everything.
We've got Remember Nog; Paige painted the elephant; - and you got the Remember - Grace, I got it, okay? - I'm not gonna screw this up.
- I'm gonna screw you up! I hate this bullshit holiday [CROONS NERVOUSLY.]
Be careful up there.
Hi, Dad I mean, Mr.
DeVille.
- Happy Remember Day.
- Thank you.
Can I ask you a question, uh - Matt.
- Pat what do you think about this holiday? I love it.
Christmas kinda got ruined for me, so this holiday means a lot to me.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean, I went into a $1,000 credit card debt, buying all the decorations for this party, but that's what it's all about, right? Honestly, Pat, I don't know what it's all about anymore.
This morning, someone made me think about this holiday a little differently, and now [EXHALES SLOWLY.]
Quite frankly I'm spinning out of control emotionally.
Oh, well, you should come to the party later.
I planned the whole thing.
We're gonna have Remember Nog.
Maybe I'll stop by.
[CHEERY MUSIC.]
Oh, and we're cooking a traditional Remember Day goose, so Goose [TENSE STRING MUSIC BUILDS.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, holy Christ in heaven, I forgot the goose.
[PHONES RINGING DISTANTLY.]
So I asked for that promotion, and guess what? Jake, I don't have time for you right now, okay? I have to redeem my father I mean, Christian.
Listen, stop questioning me right now, okay? All I know is I need to get a goose.
[SLOW STRING MUSIC.]
This Remember Day, show her you really care by giving her the gift she'll always remember and never forget, because she won't be able to stop remembering.
Here you go.
Next! Listen, I know it's last minute, but I need a goose.
You gotta be a real fucking idiot not to order a goose before Remember Day.
[IMITATES TRUMPET.]
What are you? A grade-A bozo? You got spaghetti and meatballs for brains? Did you get dropped as a child? Or did God just think it would be funny to put mashed fucking potatoes in your skull? - What's happening right now? - Doesn't matter.
That old lady got the last goose.
You fucking idiot! - Get a life, you fucking moron! - Excuse me Excuse me, miss, I'm sorry to bother you, and this is gonna sound crazy, but I need that goose.
I've got a Taser.
Okay, uh, well, uh, listen, I'll I'll buy it off you.
I'll I'll give you $200.
Fuck you.
Go to rehab.
Okay, hey hey, excuse me.
Listen to me.
Listen to me, I'm sorry, but this is really important to me.
It's Remember Day, and as Americans, we need to learn to come together more - Hey! Hey! Hey! - And just really hey! Hold on! Ow! [GROANS.]
God, you didn't have to do - [TASER BUZZING.]
- [YELLING.]
I'll never forget where I was when I found out.
I was eating a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant in my car.
I was so upset, I couldn't even finish it.
Hm.
I lied.
I totally finished it.
But I felt bad.
I think the mayo was expired.
I was actually, like, dead in the middle of losing my virginity when it all happened.
Yeah, the news came on the TV, and, well, long story short, uh, I've had a lot of sexual problems ever since - Hm.
- So What about you, Paige? Oh, I actually can't remember where I was that day.
- How's that possible? - I was six years old.
- Fuck you.
- Hm.
[PIANO KEY PLAYS.]
Hey, Jake, what's wrong? Besides everything that's happening around us.
Oh, I don't know, let's see.
I've worked here for five years, can't get a promotion.
- [PIANO KEY PLAYS.]
- Nobody here cares about me, - not even Matt.
- [PIANO KEY PLAYS.]
My cat stopped sleeping in bed with me, and I can't figure out why, and it's destroying me! [PIANO KEYS PLAY.]
So in summary, I think I'm gonna quit.
[LOUNGING PIANO MUSIC.]
Whoops.
Totally should've said something there.
["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PIANO COVER PLAYS.]
You forgot to buy the Christmas ham.
Oh, don't go blaming this on me.
You know what I want for Christmas? A divorce! Well, ho, ho, ho, and call me Santa Clause, because I'm giving you your wish.
[GEESE SQUAWKING CHAOTICALLY.]
[JAUNTY BRASS MUSIC.]
BOTH: Happy Remember Day! Well, it's taken 16 years, but I think our little holiday is finally taking off.
Interest on store-bought credit cards is through the roof.
Next year, I think we can go ahead with the parade.
- That's great news.
- Quick side note-slash- awkwardly straightforward question, John and I were wondering when we can expect our Remember Day bonuses.
Is money all you can think about? It's fucking Remember Day.
[SCOFFS.]
I got the goose.
[ALL GASP, GROAN.]
- [GROANS.]
- I brought the goose, okay? I didn't forget.
There it is.
So now we can all have fun and enjoy ourselves.
Remember Day isn't ruined.
- That's a swan.
- Did you kill that swan? Oh, don't go blaming this on me! I did unforgivable things to bring you people this goose, so somebody's gonna cook it, and we're gonna eat it, because Hampton DeVille is a family, God damn it.
[TENSE STRING MUSIC.]
My parents got divorced on Christmas last year.
Nobody touch the dead swan.
It looks diseased.
I think what I learned is that I have some repressed trauma, and I really tapped into that today.
Matt, I want you to know that there is nothing you can do to make this right, and you will go to your grave a swan murderer.
That's fair.
But there's someone who needs you right now.
Jake didn't get the promotion, and he's thinking about leaving the company.
Oh, no, he tried to talk to me earlier, but I was Premeditating a swan murder.
But let's not retread the past.
Jake needs you, and I can't help him, because I just don't feel like it.
[CHEERY STRING MUSIC.]
[TENSE STRING MUSIC BUILDS.]
You're in my chair.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I-I will leave.
Sit back down.
[RELIEVED EXHALE.]
[GROANS.]
- What's your name again? - Jake.
- Cake.
- Um You wanna sit at the big table, don't you, Cake? More than I've ever wanted anything.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you think Santa Clause is happy? I'm pretty Jewish, so I don't think Santa's happy.
I mean, maybe he started out happy, but he wanted to bring joy to the world, so he created Christmas.
But after he went down enough chimneys, he found out not everyone likes Christmas, that some people are Jewish or Democrats, or they think Christmas shouldn't be about gifts.
So now Santa lives all alone at the North Pole, surrounded by elves and reindeer he underpays and doesn't trust, and he can't tell anymore if Christmas is good or bad.
[SIGHS.]
Trust me, Santa Clause isn't happy.
You're better off being a dirty fucking elf.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
Is that cat hair on your suit? - Yes.
- I love cats.
Me, too.
- Now I'd like you to leave.
- Got it.
Jesus! Fuck! Sorry.
Uh, I've had a bit of an emotional day.
Oh, well, I understand.
Say, what have you got there? Oh, well, there's one person in this office who had a worst day than me, and I thought this would cheer him up.
You you mean me? [GASPS.]
A guitar.
- But I don't play.
- Oh.
Why would you do such a nice thing for me? Because it's Remember Day? - Thank you, Pat.
- Yeah, okay.
[CHEERY MUSIC.]
- No, you you are such - Shawn, the way you fired that guy - a good - that one time was so Hey, hey.
Christian [CLEARS THROAT.]
- We have something to say to you.
- Yeah.
And what she says may or may not reflect my own viewpoint.
Wait, before you do, I have something to say.
Up until a few moments ago, I had forgotten the true meaning of Remember Day.
- Huh? - Hm? Appreciating the people in your life by giving them what they care about most.
- [GASPS.]
- [BOTH LAUGH EXCITEDLY.]
I will never forget that Remember Day was your idea.
- Yeah? - Yes.
- Yeah? - Aw! [LAUGHTER.]
- This feels good, doesn't it? - BOTH: Yeah.
[SLOW PIANO MUSIC.]
Hey, Jake.
Hey, Matt.
Grace told me you didn't get the promotion.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you earlier, but you're my best friend, or best work friend, - and I'm here for you now.
- Honestly, man, I know I'm kind of a nightmare to be around in general, so don't worry about it.
- So you're gonna quit? - [SIGHS.]
I was thinking about it, but I kinda realized that I'd rather be miserable at my job and be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment than follow my dreams and live in a studio apartment.
Capitalism is a prison.
So should we hug now? I would like to hug.
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
Why do you feel wet and smell like death? I don't wanna talk about it.
I am so glad that I will spend this night with the people I care about the most.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I have to go meet them in a minute, but first, I wanna play something.
["TRY TO REMEMBER" PLAYS ON THE PIANO.]
Try to remember the kind of September When life was slow and oh, so mellow Try to remember the kind of September When grass was green and grain was yellow - I'm never gonna forget this.
- Try to remember Well, Harold, today I beat up a drug addict who tried to steal our dinner.
Try to remember and if you remember Then follow BOTH: Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow BOTH: Follow, follow [TOGETHER.]
And that's what Remember Day's all about.
Broke into Kate and John's offices, stole my gift cards back.
Oh, well, I mean, this is an utterly meaningless gesture, but I appreciate that it comes from you.
Hypothetical question, you get invited to Osama Bin Laden's birthday party, what do you get the guy? - Gift card.
- Absolutely.
Okay, hypothetical question, Osama Bin Laden is alive, and he wants to have sex with you.
- What do you do? - I don't know, he's gotta woo me first.
I'm not just gonna open up for him just 'cause it's Osama, but You wanna be taken out to dinner.
Yeah, I wanna be taken out to dinner - [SWAN SQUAWKING.]
- [GRUNTING.]
Mommy, why is that man doing that? Because 16 years ago, terrorists attacked our nation.
- [SWAN SQUAWKING.]
- [GRUNTING.]
Mm, mm, mm.
Don't you just love the holidays? The only holiday I respect is Mother's Day, 'cause I feel directly responsible - for my mother's pain.
- You do have a huge head.
I'll bet your birthday causes your mom PTSD.
Maybe I'll just get Kate and John gift cards.
You're asking for a promotion.
You gotta get 'em something better than a gift card.
No way.
Gift cards are the perfect way to show someone you don't care about that you really care about them.
Wait, you're getting reimbursed for the decorations for the office party, right? No, but it's fine.
Okay, that'll be $837.
98.
Jesus! Fucking.
Fuck you.
What! Whoa! - Okay.
- [ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS.]
Sir, if you're not gonna buy that, please put it down.
Wow, just some more casual anti-Semitism thrown in my face.
I don't like him, either.
Holiday gift giving is bullshit forced generosity.
If I get gifts for people, I'm just doing what I'm supposed to.
If I don't get gifts for people, I'm an asshole for not participating in a made-up corporate holiday.
It's a trap, and I'm a victim.
No, holidays are good.
They're your one chance to make up for being a huge disappointment the rest of the year.
Make this a September to remember by getting twin touch screen Obelisks for the price of one.
The Obelisk 5.
0.
On sale this Remember Day.
I don't know.
Something about Remember Day just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
Yesterday will always be remembered as a somber day in American history.
Now more than ever, Americans need to shop at Hampton Deville affiliated stores.
We have a moral duty as a company to monetize this tragedy, because if we don't, the terrorists win.
Excuse me, Christian? We have an idea.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Why do people celebrate Christmas? Trauma.
Americans fight through hell all year, and to reward themselves at the end of it, they buy gifts.
Hallmark invented Valentine's Day; Walmart invented the Fourth of July; and Harbor Day, as we all know, - was invented by Carl's Jr.
- Carl's Jr.
So we think it's time for Hampton DeVille to create its own holiday.
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
What are your names? - Kate.
- Shawn.
Kate and John Oh That's an excellent idea.
[BOTH EXHALE EXCITEDLY.]
2000 years ago, Jesus Christ was crucified, and now every Easter, people buy millions of dollars worth of chocolate bunnies.
Starting today, we are going to plant the seeds for a new holiday.
We just have to wait until the time is right.
This can't feel opportunistic.
It has to come straight from the heart.
I'm thinking 20 years seems appropriate.
[DRAMATIC DRUM BEAT.]
BOTH: It's Remember Day! [GEESE SQUAWKING.]
In studio with us today, we have Hampton DeVille CEO, Christian DeVille.
- BOTH: Hey, Christian.
- It's great to be here.
You know, I'm a big fan of the show.
- Ooh! - Cheers.
- Ch-ching, ch-ching.
- Yay.
Fun fact: Hampton DeVille actually coined the phrase, "Remember Day," so I guess that kinda makes you the Santa Clause of this holiday.
- [LAUGHS.]
I like that.
- So Hampton DeVille cares about all Americans, and wants to give back.
That's why you'll find great deals on all Hampton DeVille products today.
And with every purchase, you'll receive a red Remember Day string, and we suggest you tie it around your finger to help you to remember.
If I have any more white wine, I won't remember anything.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I might black out.
Okay, let's go a pinch more to the right.
No, to the right.
- And - Whoops.
- Grace - Matt, chill out.
This is an office holiday party for a bunch of bosses and employees who make fun of you in email threads behind your back.
My coworkers are my family.
I know that, because they constantly mistreat me, and I desperately need their approval.
Hey, so what's the deal with the elephant? It's the Remember Day Memory Elephant.
It helps you never forget.
But wait, it's supposed to be red, white, and blue.
Uh, the store only had grey elephants, because that's the color that elephants are.
Okay, well, I don't have time for your excuses.
The party starts in two hours, so I need you to go get some art supplies and paint that elephant American.
Jeez, why is this so important to you? Why is this so important to you? Because, Roger, you forgot to buy the Christmas ham.
That was our Christmas dinner.
Without it, we don't have Christmas, so good job! Oh, don't go blaming this on me.
Would you keep your voice down? I don't want Matt to hear you.
I want him to hear us.
Ever since he's moved back in here, our marriage has been falling apart! Well, you know what I want for Christmas? A divorce! Well, ho, ho, ho, and call me Santa Clause, because I'm giving you your wish.
Matt? What were you just thinking about? Nothing.
All I know is that holidays hold the potential to ruin lives, and I won't let that happen today.
Okay, whatever, I'll go paint the elephant.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Thank you, Paige.
[CHEERY MUSIC.]
Grace, higher.
Matt, I'm short, you tall monster.
Okay, I'll do it then.
Coming up after the break, we've got a celebrity chef, Theresa Marticinni.
She's gonna be making us traditional Remember Day goose.
[GEESE SQUAWKING.]
- Thank you, Christian! - Toodles.
My pleasure.
Let me just get this mic off of you real quick.
And while I got you here, I just want you know, I think you're a sick piece of shit.
Excuse me? Do you know who you're speaking to? Yeah, a sick piece of shit, who's totally comfortable exploiting emotionally vulnerable people to get a quick buck.
Fuck you, Santa Clause.
How do you live with yourself? [SOLEMN MUSIC.]
[WHISPERS.]
Kate - Hey, Kate.
- I'm right here.
[CHEERY MUSIC.]
Did you get your Remember Day bonus yet? No.
Did you? You don't think he's forgotten that this holiday was our idea, do you? - On Remember Day? - [SHARP EXHALES.]
Okay, Jake, you're gonna go in there, and be confident and direct, and exude raw sexual energy, which nobody can deny.
Let's go.
Oh, my God, perfect.
You're both here.
First of all, Happy Remember Day.
- Aww, thank you, Jake.
- Aww.
I'll get straight to the point.
Listen, I've been a Junior Executive in Training for about five years now, and it's technically a one-year program, so wow.
Anyway, I am all trained up, and I'm ready to be a Junior Executive.
As my mentors, promoting me would be a huge win for both of you.
I'm your Shamu, you're my SeaWorld, and let's just pretend Blackfish never happened.
Who cares about whales? I don't.
First of all, Jake, we're surprised it took you this long to ask.
Unfortunately, the answer is no.
[ECHOES.]
Jake, here are the reasons you will not be getting this promotion.
You come into work with cat hair on your suit.
So much cat hair that I'm sometimes like, - "What's going on here?" - What's going on? What's happening? [INDISTINCT.]
Unfortunately, the answer is no.
We're not gonna sign you to our record label.
And can I give you some advice? No.
I'm here to rock.
The music industry has gone corporate.
Fuck corporate America.
Two, three, four.
America is a corporation And I hate my supportive parents North Korea is better than America And I can't pay my student loans And Baron showed us a video of your rap rock band, - so there's that.
- Yikes.
Quite frankly, you're lucky to even have a job.
- [GASPS.]
Gift card - Wow.
How much is on it? All right, just wanna double-check we have everything.
We've got Remember Nog; Paige painted the elephant; - and you got the Remember - Grace, I got it, okay? - I'm not gonna screw this up.
- I'm gonna screw you up! I hate this bullshit holiday [CROONS NERVOUSLY.]
Be careful up there.
Hi, Dad I mean, Mr.
DeVille.
- Happy Remember Day.
- Thank you.
Can I ask you a question, uh - Matt.
- Pat what do you think about this holiday? I love it.
Christmas kinda got ruined for me, so this holiday means a lot to me.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean, I went into a $1,000 credit card debt, buying all the decorations for this party, but that's what it's all about, right? Honestly, Pat, I don't know what it's all about anymore.
This morning, someone made me think about this holiday a little differently, and now [EXHALES SLOWLY.]
Quite frankly I'm spinning out of control emotionally.
Oh, well, you should come to the party later.
I planned the whole thing.
We're gonna have Remember Nog.
Maybe I'll stop by.
[CHEERY MUSIC.]
Oh, and we're cooking a traditional Remember Day goose, so Goose [TENSE STRING MUSIC BUILDS.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, holy Christ in heaven, I forgot the goose.
[PHONES RINGING DISTANTLY.]
So I asked for that promotion, and guess what? Jake, I don't have time for you right now, okay? I have to redeem my father I mean, Christian.
Listen, stop questioning me right now, okay? All I know is I need to get a goose.
[SLOW STRING MUSIC.]
This Remember Day, show her you really care by giving her the gift she'll always remember and never forget, because she won't be able to stop remembering.
Here you go.
Next! Listen, I know it's last minute, but I need a goose.
You gotta be a real fucking idiot not to order a goose before Remember Day.
[IMITATES TRUMPET.]
What are you? A grade-A bozo? You got spaghetti and meatballs for brains? Did you get dropped as a child? Or did God just think it would be funny to put mashed fucking potatoes in your skull? - What's happening right now? - Doesn't matter.
That old lady got the last goose.
You fucking idiot! - Get a life, you fucking moron! - Excuse me Excuse me, miss, I'm sorry to bother you, and this is gonna sound crazy, but I need that goose.
I've got a Taser.
Okay, uh, well, uh, listen, I'll I'll buy it off you.
I'll I'll give you $200.
Fuck you.
Go to rehab.
Okay, hey hey, excuse me.
Listen to me.
Listen to me, I'm sorry, but this is really important to me.
It's Remember Day, and as Americans, we need to learn to come together more - Hey! Hey! Hey! - And just really hey! Hold on! Ow! [GROANS.]
God, you didn't have to do - [TASER BUZZING.]
- [YELLING.]
I'll never forget where I was when I found out.
I was eating a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant in my car.
I was so upset, I couldn't even finish it.
Hm.
I lied.
I totally finished it.
But I felt bad.
I think the mayo was expired.
I was actually, like, dead in the middle of losing my virginity when it all happened.
Yeah, the news came on the TV, and, well, long story short, uh, I've had a lot of sexual problems ever since - Hm.
- So What about you, Paige? Oh, I actually can't remember where I was that day.
- How's that possible? - I was six years old.
- Fuck you.
- Hm.
[PIANO KEY PLAYS.]
Hey, Jake, what's wrong? Besides everything that's happening around us.
Oh, I don't know, let's see.
I've worked here for five years, can't get a promotion.
- [PIANO KEY PLAYS.]
- Nobody here cares about me, - not even Matt.
- [PIANO KEY PLAYS.]
My cat stopped sleeping in bed with me, and I can't figure out why, and it's destroying me! [PIANO KEYS PLAY.]
So in summary, I think I'm gonna quit.
[LOUNGING PIANO MUSIC.]
Whoops.
Totally should've said something there.
["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PIANO COVER PLAYS.]
You forgot to buy the Christmas ham.
Oh, don't go blaming this on me.
You know what I want for Christmas? A divorce! Well, ho, ho, ho, and call me Santa Clause, because I'm giving you your wish.
[GEESE SQUAWKING CHAOTICALLY.]
[JAUNTY BRASS MUSIC.]
BOTH: Happy Remember Day! Well, it's taken 16 years, but I think our little holiday is finally taking off.
Interest on store-bought credit cards is through the roof.
Next year, I think we can go ahead with the parade.
- That's great news.
- Quick side note-slash- awkwardly straightforward question, John and I were wondering when we can expect our Remember Day bonuses.
Is money all you can think about? It's fucking Remember Day.
[SCOFFS.]
I got the goose.
[ALL GASP, GROAN.]
- [GROANS.]
- I brought the goose, okay? I didn't forget.
There it is.
So now we can all have fun and enjoy ourselves.
Remember Day isn't ruined.
- That's a swan.
- Did you kill that swan? Oh, don't go blaming this on me! I did unforgivable things to bring you people this goose, so somebody's gonna cook it, and we're gonna eat it, because Hampton DeVille is a family, God damn it.
[TENSE STRING MUSIC.]
My parents got divorced on Christmas last year.
Nobody touch the dead swan.
It looks diseased.
I think what I learned is that I have some repressed trauma, and I really tapped into that today.
Matt, I want you to know that there is nothing you can do to make this right, and you will go to your grave a swan murderer.
That's fair.
But there's someone who needs you right now.
Jake didn't get the promotion, and he's thinking about leaving the company.
Oh, no, he tried to talk to me earlier, but I was Premeditating a swan murder.
But let's not retread the past.
Jake needs you, and I can't help him, because I just don't feel like it.
[CHEERY STRING MUSIC.]
[TENSE STRING MUSIC BUILDS.]
You're in my chair.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I-I will leave.
Sit back down.
[RELIEVED EXHALE.]
[GROANS.]
- What's your name again? - Jake.
- Cake.
- Um You wanna sit at the big table, don't you, Cake? More than I've ever wanted anything.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you think Santa Clause is happy? I'm pretty Jewish, so I don't think Santa's happy.
I mean, maybe he started out happy, but he wanted to bring joy to the world, so he created Christmas.
But after he went down enough chimneys, he found out not everyone likes Christmas, that some people are Jewish or Democrats, or they think Christmas shouldn't be about gifts.
So now Santa lives all alone at the North Pole, surrounded by elves and reindeer he underpays and doesn't trust, and he can't tell anymore if Christmas is good or bad.
[SIGHS.]
Trust me, Santa Clause isn't happy.
You're better off being a dirty fucking elf.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
Is that cat hair on your suit? - Yes.
- I love cats.
Me, too.
- Now I'd like you to leave.
- Got it.
Jesus! Fuck! Sorry.
Uh, I've had a bit of an emotional day.
Oh, well, I understand.
Say, what have you got there? Oh, well, there's one person in this office who had a worst day than me, and I thought this would cheer him up.
You you mean me? [GASPS.]
A guitar.
- But I don't play.
- Oh.
Why would you do such a nice thing for me? Because it's Remember Day? - Thank you, Pat.
- Yeah, okay.
[CHEERY MUSIC.]
- No, you you are such - Shawn, the way you fired that guy - a good - that one time was so Hey, hey.
Christian [CLEARS THROAT.]
- We have something to say to you.
- Yeah.
And what she says may or may not reflect my own viewpoint.
Wait, before you do, I have something to say.
Up until a few moments ago, I had forgotten the true meaning of Remember Day.
- Huh? - Hm? Appreciating the people in your life by giving them what they care about most.
- [GASPS.]
- [BOTH LAUGH EXCITEDLY.]
I will never forget that Remember Day was your idea.
- Yeah? - Yes.
- Yeah? - Aw! [LAUGHTER.]
- This feels good, doesn't it? - BOTH: Yeah.
[SLOW PIANO MUSIC.]
Hey, Jake.
Hey, Matt.
Grace told me you didn't get the promotion.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you earlier, but you're my best friend, or best work friend, - and I'm here for you now.
- Honestly, man, I know I'm kind of a nightmare to be around in general, so don't worry about it.
- So you're gonna quit? - [SIGHS.]
I was thinking about it, but I kinda realized that I'd rather be miserable at my job and be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment than follow my dreams and live in a studio apartment.
Capitalism is a prison.
So should we hug now? I would like to hug.
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
Why do you feel wet and smell like death? I don't wanna talk about it.
I am so glad that I will spend this night with the people I care about the most.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I have to go meet them in a minute, but first, I wanna play something.
["TRY TO REMEMBER" PLAYS ON THE PIANO.]
Try to remember the kind of September When life was slow and oh, so mellow Try to remember the kind of September When grass was green and grain was yellow - I'm never gonna forget this.
- Try to remember Well, Harold, today I beat up a drug addict who tried to steal our dinner.
Try to remember and if you remember Then follow BOTH: Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow BOTH: Follow, follow [TOGETHER.]
And that's what Remember Day's all about.
Broke into Kate and John's offices, stole my gift cards back.
Oh, well, I mean, this is an utterly meaningless gesture, but I appreciate that it comes from you.
Hypothetical question, you get invited to Osama Bin Laden's birthday party, what do you get the guy? - Gift card.
- Absolutely.
Okay, hypothetical question, Osama Bin Laden is alive, and he wants to have sex with you.
- What do you do? - I don't know, he's gotta woo me first.
I'm not just gonna open up for him just 'cause it's Osama, but You wanna be taken out to dinner.
Yeah, I wanna be taken out to dinner - [SWAN SQUAWKING.]
- [GRUNTING.]
Mommy, why is that man doing that? Because 16 years ago, terrorists attacked our nation.
- [SWAN SQUAWKING.]
- [GRUNTING.]
Mm, mm, mm.